Living in golus clearly isn’t great. No one in 2020 needs to hear that from me. That in mind, many a tisha b’av themed drasha has been rooted in mussar and all the good stuff that hopes to inspire people to look internally and figure out how they personally contributed to the fact we still don’t have a beis hamikdash. Wellllllll, here’s the thing...though I don’t quite have the perspective of the doe-eyed semgirl from the height of this tumblr, I have a bit of something left to say that makes me grateful to be here, now, in this nine days.
This is the first Tisha B’av I will iyh have the privilege of fasting after a two year hiatus(I write this before the actually day of course which I imagine I won’t be so gung-ho about it). “Privilege, did she say?” Yes, it is my privilege that my health KH is in a place where I have no reason to fear fasting. The past two years due to a number of factor(including nidche), I was told not to fast. This past Tisha B’av I actually spent in the hospital.
This time last year I was about 6 months pregnant with the twins and all was going okay besides constant nausea. I started to have a bit of trouble walking, some headaches, pains but that’s twins right? Well not exactly.
Making a looong story short on Tisha B’av last year I sat in a strange hospital in Yahupitz-ville. I was transferred out of my pretty city hospital to this hospital out in the ‘burbs where this expert doctor(for my condition) was located. On Tisha B’av this doctor had to do a procedure which would save the lives of my twins.
I was in this hospital which seemed the have no religious Jews, something that bothered me in contrast to my ’usual’ hospital experience. Chances are in the city, your roommate, the nurse and my OB would all be frum Jews. Golus makes itself known in strange ways... A deeply Catholic doctor from South America, hands obviously guided by Hashem, allowed the twins to recover in utero.
I vividly remember sitting there in my hospital bed, flipping through the Mishpacha my husband had picked up at the other hospital’s bikor cholim room, thinking “This is the year I don’t need to read anything sad or meaningful about Tisha B’av. I got this in the bag. I don’t need anything to make me cry today.” So I skipped anything that would make me too upset. At that point, I didn’t know if my twins were going to make it, or if one would pass and the other would make it, or if they would both be deeply disabled. This is what occupied my mind last Tisha B’av. I can only begin to describe what that was like. But I am so incredibly grateful to Hashem, look back a year, that isn’t my struggle anymore. I've got plenty but that isn’t it. Bchasdei Hashem my girls are alive and well.
Lets be real life with (kh)three under two isn’t easy. This year has been one of the most trying of my life. As they all grow and change, I appreciate more and more how this is only the beginning. Pandemic or not, parenting is not for the weak. Yet, it is important to recognize that while we are constantly in golus until iyh soon moshiach should come... there are ups and downs.
There are times when it is so painful to wake up in the morning, and there are times when you are so completely genuinely happy. Yes, Tisha b'av is a dark day and we all suffer through praying it will end. The next day, we get up again and rebuild.
andulkaphoto
romaincrisis
snowghoul
discoholicmusic
janainaart