Retrospective
11 years and change.
It's surreal to look back through 11 years worth of posts and messages, tracing all the changes from the beginning to the present.
I had intended to write something like this last year, to mark the 10th anniversary of when I joined tumblr. However, it didn't feel right to wax philosophical over how much I'd grown as a person when, at the time, I was struggling with my mental health and feeling particularly down. Needless to say, 2020 was a shit show.
I have since rebounded and have a little more perspective looking back on the past 11 years. It's easier to reflect on what this blog means to me. It started out as a way for me to escape the desolation and loneliness of my isolated existence in a Florida suburban nightmare. I was fresh off a failed attempt at making it on my own in Seattle. Looking back at those earlier posts, there's a ton of cringe and fragility. I was blogging in a way that I was probably (almost definitely) too old for. My voice lacked wisdom. There was an idea of life, without any true experience of having lived.
That would change when I moved to Chicago. There was a flux of ups and downs, successes and failures, but I was living. I was learning. I was growing.
Tumblr's true utility came from the friends I made along the way. One friend in particular, Louise, has been a constant in my life since 2010. We kept in touch over the years and in 2017 she finally made the journey from the UK to Chicago. It's one of my favorite memories and the sort of trip that you keep in your pocket til the day you die. We fell in love over the course of those 2 weeks but it was the kind of short term love you know has an expiration date. After she left, our love became the platonic kind, and we're still close friends to this day.
I used to think I'd look back on this blog and want to burn it with fire. The majority of the time I came across like an ass, an angsty emo teenager. Not that there's anything wrong with that. When you're a teenager. But I remember how hopeless I felt in those days, and knowing how hopeful and accomplished I feel now, it's pretty revelatory charting my own growth on here.
Somewhere around 2016 or 2017 I really came into my own and pretty much abandoned this blog. This is not an attempt at reviving it--I'd actually be amazed if anyone even read this since this place seems to be a ghost town. Though, looking back at my list of followers and saved inbox messages, I can't help but wonder what happened to a lot of you. Some I still talk to but most I haven't heard from in years. I really cherished some of the friendships formed on here.
I don't know where you all are, but I hope you're doing well. I hope you've achieved your dreams, or at least tried; I hope you're sober now; I hope you got help if you needed it; I hope you're surviving, whole, happy, and content. I hope you've grown as I did. And if you ever see this, feel free to say hi.
PS - since the majority of my posts were about how lonely I was, I thought it worth mentioning that I'm happily in a relationship with a wonderful woman going on 3 years. I love her dearly and she has helped me become the best version of myself.
