Give Me Your Lust For Life.

[givemelust-for-life]

Lost in Lima no.4

The longer you travel and live abroad, the more warped your sense of time becomes. Not so much the hours and minutes...It’s the larger amounts of time that become tricky. You can feel like you have left the last city eons ago, yet you don’t feel like you have been in your current location for very long either. How can these two perceptions co-exist?

I left Detroit in December of 2017 and for the rest of the year, a small part of my mind believed that it was always winter there. I would catch myself saying things like, “Oh, the snow is gone?”, in May while talking with family and friends. I forgot that time moves without me or my consent. In my mind Detroit stayed as this distant snowglobe where everything would be just as I left it, once I returned. My friends’ relationships wouldn’t progress. People wouldn’t get married. My younger cousins would just stay in their last year of university forever. My younger sister wouldn’t get older than 23. Right?

It gets even weirder when you cross hemispheres. When I went to Peru in June, it was winter. Colombia had made it easy to forget about seasons, it has pretty similar weather all year around. But Peru has a way of reminding you just what time of year it is. In the minds of my family and friends it was summer. In the minds of the Peruanos it was invierno. In my mind it was truly both.

[givemelust-for-life]

Breaking Up With Someone You Love <3

That’s what I just did. I had been thinking about doing it for a while. Actually..let me fix that; basically did it...Got back together...And did it again. It feels horrible. I feel horrible. But it’s what I needed to do.

The last few days I scoured the internet googling things like what it’s like to break up with someone you love, and all I got were a bunch of dumb 10 ways to blabla articles written by dumbasses, squeezed in between advertisements. So now that I’ve done it I’ll just write about it here in case anyone wants to read anything real.

It’s like every time we were together I’d leave thinking, “ok somehow I have to break up with him”. But then he would be so generous, so loving and supportive.

He’s the best cuddle buddy. He’s the person I am closest to while living in a foreign country. But then he wanted to hang out 7 days a week and would sometimes get offended when I made other plans. I felt like I couldn’t dedicate the time necessary to my art when I had to be so committed to him. I couldn't dedicate the time to practice Spanish. I’m living in Mexico but spending over half my time in someone’s house...speaking English with them. I could have just stayed in Michigan for that!

He would get upset if I didn’t respond to his texts within an hour. If I didn’t answer his call because I was in the shower I would find my phone with 3 missed calls in a row, and that irritated the shit out of me. But it’s not because he was being possessive. It’s because he was being needy. Needy of my love and support because he doesn’t love himself. He needs my love to feel good and I feel so bad that I just can’t do that anymore. I can’t be his sole support system while I discover myself and figure out what I’m doing with my life.

But he would prioritize me above all else. Anything in his house was mine to use, borrow, eat. I would get up to get something and he’d say, “here let me get it for you”. He treated me like a princess...and I just called him on the phone and said “I’m not happy being in a relationship anymore”.

He didn’t even take it that poorly. I was the one crying. He sounded upset but told me not to worry. He told ME not to worry. Just hearing his voice made me want to hug him. I want to be there to make him feel better. But I’m the reason he feels bad.

Does anyone else feel like this right now?

[givemelust-for-life]

Josh’s Girlfriend

One of the few places to anchor me in Lima was my Spanish class. The people I met in this class kept me going in a way. They were the closest things I had to real friends that month. I would have been lost without them.

The class included quiet a few cool characters. There was a very young guy...I think from Taiwan....Who was crossing South America via skateboard. Then there was a middle-aged gay guy who came to Peru for business but stayed for love. He had the most gringo accent of all and we laughed every time he read anything out-loud in Spanish. There was a Thai guy in his early 30′s who worked at the embassy, who was surprisingly friendly. I jokingly asked him if he was required to be at asshole at work like every other person that I’ve interacted with while at an embassy. It’s just that in the past, no matter if I was at a U.S. embassy or a Korean embassy, every person I dealt with basically looked at me like, “How dare you apply for a work visa!”. There was another guy who’s probably too boring to include in this story, and then there was Josh.

Josh was almost 40, dressed like he was from an older time, (Newsies cap and all), and acted like he was about 25. I think I heard him even before entering the classroom on my first day. He was always excited to answer or make a joke about the answer and we became quick Spanish class friends.

One day when our teacher asked us to describe our day, in Spanish, I told the class about my experience drawing the crazy old man in the park. Josh turned to me and asked, “Would you consider drawing my girlfriend?”. I accepted the challenge because it felt nice to be steered in a direction at a time when I felt pretty directionless in art and life in general. He gave me kind of a funny look and said something like, “I wanna ask you something, but I feel weird”. It was pretty easy to guess that he had a nude photo in mind.

[givemelust-for-life]

Another Evening in Parque Kennedy; Park of the Cats

While living on the edge of Miraflores, a bit past the Metropolitano, I normally passed through this park at least a couple times a day. I had just left a house in Colombia where three cats lived...and not to sound like a crazy cat lady but...to have free, daily access to cats felt kinda like a godsend. I’m pretty sure the cats didn’t feel the same about me, but if I was patient enough I could usually find the ones who wanted to be pet or even sit in my lap. This must have been what I was doing when I first sat down on the park bench because it was definitely too dark to be drawing.  

An older middle-aged man trying to sell woven bracelets was walking down the park’s center path when he stopped at my bench. He was a dark-skinned Cusqueño, short and round. He didn’t know how to keep a full set of teeth, but he sure knew how to sell.

He began offering me his fine two-dollar bracelets and as the words, “No Gracias”, rolled out of my mouth he was already working on tying one around my wrist. I sighed and figured I might as well buy it, I’m sure it will come in handy as a souvenir for someone back home. I ended up wearing it on my wrist throughout the rest of my time in Peru. The bright, hot pink string just felt like a ray of hope in that gray and lonely period of my life. When I looked at it, I felt 5% happier.

He sat down next to me on the bench and started talking. People will try to sell you things you don’t need about every 5 minutes in Peru, but they will try to be your friend at the same time which is actually kind of cool. He told me about where he was from and about his brothers and sisters. He asked me about my country and about my travel plans in Peru too. It was times like these that allowed me to practice Spanish more than anything else. After talking for 10 minutes or so I had used up all my free talking time and it was time for another pitch. He started suggesting I buy another bracelet and I basically hid my wrists behind my back and told him that I really had too many things and didn’t need another. He put away the bracelets but defeated he was not. He pulled out a bag of hierba...and I’m not talking about hierbabuena. He saw the look on my face and could tell I was thinking about it. I mean, maybe it would be fun to take a couple tokes and draw at the beach, right? This wasn’t the type of thing I cared enough to go look for, so I figured I might as well buy a little while it had found me. Next came coke.

The Cusqueño was very happy to have made his first two sales and figured he would try a third. He pulled out another bag and proudly announced, “Cocaina, cheapy cheapy”. I bursted out laughing and then rejected his offer. He interjected excitedly telling me that it was really good and so “cheapy cheapy”, but that just wasn’t quite enough to sway me. Luckily I didn’t have much money on me to begin with and the last couple sales he made with me actually took all the money I had. I took out my wallet and turned it inside out and only then was he truly satisfied with my decision not to buy cocaine. (I actually ended up having to pay 4 soles less than I owed him overall, which he was okay with, likely because he had already overcharged me with the gringa price anyway.)

[givemelust-for-life]

Unlikely Friends in Lima

I arrived at Parque Kennedy hoping to come across or tune into some inspiration. Hope hard enough and sometimes the universe provides.

I found a nice bench, in the middle of the park, away from too much commotion. I got comfy, put my feet up and rested my sketchbook on my knees and began aimlessly working on the same palm tree that was no longer in front of me. I really couldn’t think of what to draw. Within about 5 minutes an older man approached me, for a change, one who was trying to sell me anything.

He came over and scolded me, in Spanish of course. He said something like, “How is an old man supposed to sit down on a bench when your feet are making it filthy?! I’m old, I need to sit!”. Never mind the fact that there were other benches and all these benches were far from spotless to begin with, I apologized and put my feet down. Then he sat down. He started talking to me a little bit. Told me how his father was French...or maybe half French...so he was really a foreigner just like me. He went on to complain about how Peruvians were too fat. (I wouldn’t say that he was all that slim, but whatever.)

He glanced down at my sketchbook and saw that I was drawing a tree. He said something along the lines of, “Why not draw me instead, I have a pretty face”. So I agreed to. He was a pretty good model, posed carefully and made sure not too move too much as he was talking to me. I ended up making him look a little younger and slimmer because it’s kind of awkward to draw someone’s wrinkles to their full extent...It was probably my first time drawing an older person’s portrait.

This old man was quite the extroverted social butterfly. He would try to say something to just about everyone who passed. At one point a Venezuelan woman and her teenage son stopped to admire the drawing session and he got to talking to them. He asked, “How long have you been dating?” They started cracking up and the woman replied, “He’s my son”. The old man laughed too and continued to talk their ears off. But about every 5 minutes after that, he would make another reference to them being romantically involved. He’d say, “You guys really are a beautiful couple”, and then the boy would die laughing and say, “Noooo, she’s my mom!” and then he’s be like, “But how long have you been together??” and we’d all laugh and give each other a look basically acknowledging that this wasn’t going to sink in for the old man.

Then a surfing instructor was riding by on his bike and noticed the gathering of laughing people so he figured he better stop by and offer his services. He Introduced himself and told us we could take his surfing class on this wonderfully grey, 60F degree day! As he introduced himself he shook each of our hands and when he shook the old man’s hand, the old man was not willing to let go. The surfing instructor was still straddling his bike and trying to jerk his hand free but the old man just kept holding on and laughing. Eventually though, he got his hand back.

[givemelust-for-life]

Lost in Lima no.2

I was walking to the coast, one grey Lima afternoon. I can’t remember if my plan was to check out the Parque del Amor, the beach or just views of the coast from the high cliffs that are Mira Flores.

As I neared the coast, some man selling trinkets started talking at me. I think I may have kind of brushed him off at first but then he switched to English and I couldn’t pretend I didn’t understand him anymore. He started asking where I was from and how long I was visiting Lima and I replied to his questions in Spanish. What the hell, it was good Spanish practice right?

He started trying to sell me his stuff…I wasn’t very interested but I ended up buying a bottle opener with a llama on it. When you come to Peru you will realize that half the friends you make end up trying to sell you shit…weather it be a bracelet or cocaine, “cheapy cheapy”…well I’ll get back to that in another story.

After I made my purchase I kinda thought I would be on my way but to my surprise he was not done talking to me and ended up just kind following me and we continued on with our Spanglish conversation. I was mildly annoyed because I really had planned on drawing in my sketchbook somewhere but I figured I would go with the flow and let Lima push me where it wanted me to go. We ended up in the Parque del Amor, famous for its ocean views and romantic sculptures. We sat down and I focused half on drawing, half listening to him talk. He asked me how old I was and when I said 26 he exclaimed; “Oh, I’m only 10 years older than you!”. He was clearly in his 50s.

Every time other people passed by, or even got near enough, he would interrupt our conversation and yell out to them. He would usually break the ice by trying to guess their nationality, pretty consistently failing. “Argentino?? Alamania?!” Every time someone said they were from the U.S. He would point at me excitedly and say; “So is my friend!”. Then they would give me kind of a weird look as if to say…”You guys are friends?” and then we’d all kind of awkwardly laugh. I would end up asking them where they were from in the States and he would interject with offers of bottle openers. We probably looked like some rare tag team. It was slightly embarrassing but kind of funny.

I was mindlessly working on depicting a palm tree in front of me as I had no real inspiration at the time. After a while he got bored and said he needed to continue on and make some more sales. At this point I decided to get up too and see if I could find any more inspiration at Parque Kennedy; park of the cats. I would have never been able to predict the inspiration I was about to find.

[givemelust-for-life]

Lost In Lima

Last summer I lived in Lima, Peru, for 5 weeks. It was a lonely and empty-feeling time in my life. I had just left a boy I loved in Colombia. It was Lima’s winter, meaning grey, cold and humid. It was like Seattle but with amazing empanadas everywhere. I think I saw the sun  twice the whole time I was there. When you looked up at the sky you were met with one of two options; white or grey. I guess it wasn’t too much like Seattle though, It never really rained hardcore. It was more like a constant light mist almost always filtered down from the sky. Living in a house without a dryer had never been so fun.

Walking around Lima everyday was like walking around with glasses that had a prescription slightly too weak for your eyes. Or like using a computer with the brightness turned down. But walking, often aimlessly, was what I did most days. I didn’t really know any people in Peru. I didn’t have any affiliation with anything or anyone. Other than working a few hours a day online just to support myself, and then going to a Spanish class twice a week, there was nothing anchoring me there. The only small motivation I felt was to walk around with my sketchbook, make conversation with the random people I met and then try to draw.

My time in Lima was like some cold, dark incubation period meant to get me over my Colombian boyfriend and force me become ready to thrive single in Mexico. The drastic harshness of Peru almost prepared me for a bright 180 when I arrived in Guadalajara, Mexico a couple months later. The dark, grey, cold had dimmed my lust for life down but when I arrived in Guadalajara, the warm, sunny weather and tree filled streets raised my spirits up to even higher than they were before in Colombia. I was finally ready. Just ready for life. Ready to explore, discover myself, ready to live life to the fullest. Which I hadn’t really been doing before, even while living out my dream of traveling and living abroad. I was ready to be happy.

Here I am again at a lonely, empty state of being newly single. But this time really only half empty. This time is a lot different. This time I chose to be single even though I still love the person I was with and am not even leaving the Guadalajara yet. I chose to be single because for the first time I feel the need to focus on myself, my art, my path, and even a little bit on my Spanish, more then I felt the need to be loved by someone else. The last week of my new singledom has been incredibly hard, harder than I thought it would be. It’s like I’m trying to walk forward through quicksand when I had only planned to be walking through water. I’m trying to trust that I am doing what I need for myself, but at the same time it’s hard not to wonder what the hell I’m doing. Sometimes it’s hard to remember why I felt the need to be so  fiercely individual a couple weeks ago. But at least it’s a little easier now than it was in Lima. I have a few friends here. I live in a beautiful neighborhood littered with plants and cute cafes. I’ve just started getting my foot into the local art community too. But most of all I’m stronger this time.

But I don’t really want to talk about now...right now. Let’s escape now, and reflect on the past. I’m going to post my drawings made in and or about Lima. Feeling Lost in Lima. floating in a weird limbo state. And with each picture I’m going to share a story about a random, day/walk/adventure I had or person I met in Lima.

I set out to write a story after a journal prompt...prompted me, but this really turned into more of a long rambling reflection. Hell, I kind of doubt anyone will read this. But...Maybe you are also a traveler, expat or nomad who is feeling alone in a new place...and or going through a breakup with someone you still honestly love...and or are trying to pursue art but really don’t even know what you are doing or what direction to go on. I guess if you can relate to any of these things, tell me your experience. It would be cool just to know other people are going through the same shit...and in this life of constant movement sometimes we gotta rely on our internet friends, right?

[givemelust-for-life]

Cactus cat knows where it's at. #cats #cactus #plants #Ibiza #daltvila #spain #animals

[givemelust-for-life]

Part two; piercing eyes

[givemelust-for-life]

Last ever Ibiza cat spotting, taken yesterday while saying goodbye to Dalt Vila. Can't believe I'm at the airport right now 😭 #goodbye #ibiza #cats #travel

[givemelust-for-life]

You shall not pass! #cats #ibiza #stores

[givemelust-for-life]

Artists block iz REAL, yo. I don't know where to go from here... #help #painting #mixedmedia #collage #art

[givemelust-for-life]

One of the many funky tracks off of the Hip Hop Evolution series on Netflix...which I completely finished in one day.

[givemelust-for-life]

Natural Vignette. #ibiza #tunnel #vignette #reflection #puddles

[givemelust-for-life]

Video is kinda weird...but I think this song would be eternally lovely on acid.

[givemelust-for-life]

You can't see what's in front of you, if you're looking behind yourself. #Ibiza #sessalines #winter #seascape #horizon #blackandwhite #wanderlust

[givemelust-for-life]

Trying to learn Spanish and of course the coolest Spanish band I’ve found so far sings in English, agh! Que lástima!