It's funny to think I've spent a lot of New Years celebrations with complete strangers. Unfortunately that was always something that made me upset because I assumed I should be with everyone I love. Although that would be ideal, I've learned this year that it doesn't have to be about that. I've never been the type to even mention anything about some "new year, new me" bullshit, let alone set some New Years resolutions and stick with them. However this year was probably one of the biggest changes in myself due to the fact the past 2 and half years were the worst and lowest moments of my short life. In the blink of an eye I fell far away from the happiness that once consumed me, which is something I used to blame on growing up. At 18 I unfortunately went threw my first heart break and lost not only the girl I had strong feelings for but also my best friend who I can never look at the same again. I also lost the big heart I once had for my family and friends. Due to anger, rage, and life issues, my addictions grew a bit stronger so I packed up my stuff and moved to San Francisco thinking I can start a new life. I did for a short period of time. I was healthy, happy, and sane. But because of finances that only lasted 3 months and I sadly had to make the call and move back to my dysfunctional home. I've never noticed a change in myself and the way I lived until then. From being the happy boy I once was, I truly never even fathomed I would be the one to have felt the emotions I did at that time in my life. I witnessed what it was like to hate uncontrollably and be hated. I saw a big change in each one of my friends and family members and I've never felt such pain. Although my substance and alcohol abuse had been with me since I was a teenager, for the next 2 years I truly understood that addiction is a very real disease. To top it off I got my first taste of depression and never saw my future looking bright. I lost more than I gained and wanted nothing more than the shit to stop. But what hurt the most was knowing that I was once the kid who said "If I die right now, I would be okay because I love my life." The past 2 and half years are something I find hard to talk about and never want to relive. Its sickening to know self harm, sleeping on the streets, and getting doped up with complete strangers was the only way to knock some sense into me and seek help. But Im happy to say that putting my self in a psychiatric home and through rehab helped me grow so much more than I thought. From losing my well paying job to even losing a growing piece of life that would have been calling me "daddy" by now, I am somehow still standing. And although I still get angry at the fact I could be well off right now if I hadn't fucked up as much as I did, I'm relieved to say in the midst of my struggles I managed to dodge a jail sentence and even death. This experience has helped me learn that even if it's hard, we can teach ourselves to live life the proper way. It has taught me that depression is deep down in all of us and can arise at the most random moments, but that doesn't make us crazy. That addiction is a struggle many people go through and it can be shaken as easily as it is consumed as long at you push yourself hard enough. That life can give us lessons more than we feel it gives us punishments. I learned that I'm not alone and a lot of people have felt the same way that I do. But best of all I learned that self harm and drug abuse it not the only way to cope. For the first time in as long as I can remember I'm happy again and I plan to stay that way ringing in the new year. I have set goals I feel I'm strongly going to follow and I've never looked forward to anything as much as this. Am I saint now? Absolutely not, but I know I am strong enough to fight my addictions and depression if they uprise again. I have found a new job that I'm extremely good at. I have started writing again. I have been more involved with making my music. Even though I've lost friends, I have gained new and better ones. I have learned that if people don't love me as much as I love them, than they don't deserve to have me in their lives and I'm okay with it. And I'm most of all happy to say I'm slowly becoming the man I was meant to be. My check off list may be extremely long for this year, from getting back into school to getting back into shape, but I want nothing more than to achieve my goals and follow my dreams. No matter how hard it seems, I finally believe I can do it, and that's something i can't remember feeling. Happy new year everyone.
tangentwithtanner
jacobvanloon
andulkaphoto
2087
pixelskylines
origamiaround
