interesting...

internet idea compost

[glassbeetle]

worked 6 hours after waking up to calls throughout the night thinking i needed to send my boy to the hospital ive just been holding my breath all day so i dont have a panic attack 

[glassbeetle]

ive been working out too much and not taking care of myself after, and i know logically that i can only get stronger/ feel better about myself if i take rest days but every day i wake up and want to do something to change myself so i keep pushing too much 

[glassbeetle]

i need to cut down drastically on drinking but the thing that makes me the most motivated is how jazz only wants to drink when he sees me drinking, and im rly worried about his drinking.. its just easier to watch out for him and care about him and then let that help me too bc then its almost a secret that im helping myself, like i trick my brain into doing good things for myself

[glassbeetle]

that being said im having a lot of fun being here bc i can do whatever i want and i clean the house a lot so theyre rly nice to me and my mom bought me socks and i get to eat spices and quinn lets me use his weed vape

[glassbeetle]

90% of the atmosphere/ casual conversation in my family makes me wildly anxious and for absolutely no reason. like my family is just so loud and my sibs are both a taurus to the extreme, and when i bring up how certain situations were really tense theyre all like ‘oh rly? thats just how it is we never even notice’ like.. fuck lmao i know why i never left my room when i lived here

[glassbeetle]

ok im so fuckinnnng relieved that i never have to talk to the scary ‘friend’ i made on study abroad! i often get mad at myslf for not standing up to the shit she did/ said to me but honestly its not my problem that she is absolutely insane and does not want to deal with herself

[glassbeetle]

being in this house was such a weird experience. my anxiety was through the rood and i never wanted to be around anyone but at the same time i felt like they actually cared about me, just not in a way i felt comfortable engaging in/ reacting to.

[glassbeetle]

i dont care anymore abt anyone at soka hearing my loud sex.. i used to b shy abt it but who gives a fuck! im gonna scream im gonna get my ass slapped im gonna laugh and slam the bed against the wall and after all that i wont feel worried

[glassbeetle]

 i feel so weird right now, i stayed up really late texting my mom bc a family friend that ive known since i was 4 just had a psychotic break and got 5250d and my mom said the family is having a really hard time dealing with it. she doesnt understand what psychosis or schizophrenia is so i had to explain what happens and how scary it is for the person dealing with it, how this age is when its usually triggered. i guess the guy had been having a lot of problems so the mom brought him home to try and care for him but he stole her car and drive to the other side of cali bc he thought the cia and kkk were after him, and the cop found him wandering naked on the beach. 

i know hes had problems with drugs for a while but the last few times ive seen/ spoken to him it seemed like he was getting back on track with music and work and i just wish he had felt safe to talk to someone about what was going on with him before any of this happened. i know he was working hard to get better and its so fucked up that his brain had to break just when he was starting to move forward. 

[glassbeetle]

another ed tw but in hs my eating disorder/ bdd was so different than it is now so its just rly interesting to look at myself from the outside and see how ive changed. when i was going thru puberty everything i did was fueled by being out of control and not having a safe place to land, but now i feel like ive become some sort of hard beetle and this is just how i pass my winters

[flowerinaflame]

[glassbeetle]

@anhtraam @tuffassputa im lawful good and neutral good tag urself

[glassbeetle]

ed tw but ive been restricting a lot this past month esp and it makes me feel so good! this is one of the only ways i can control my life right now and the satisfaction i feel when i can calculate all the calories i had and all the physical activity and still have gone to class is so exhilarating. i know its not good for me but most of what ive done in chile isnt good for me and im really excited to go home and eat right and not drink all day every day jesus

[glassbeetle]

jazz doesnt like me to tell him he needs to take care of himself but im right and we both know it! i know its not helpful to do all the time but im not just gonna sit around hearing abt how fucked things are in his life without saying something and trying to give him advice

[glassbeetle]

i got into my classes! im gonna apply to be a behavioral therapist part time next semester! i rly hope i get in, they say u dont need experience just a related major and they will train u heheheeeeee

[paper-mario-wiki]

Visit Original Link

just so you know, X Gon’ Give It To Ya’ and A Thousand Miles have the same BPM

they didnt match up perfectly but I did some editing.

[anhbonjovi]

wtf this bumps @tuffassputa @glassbeetle

[glassbeetle]

@anhtraam this is lesley as a musical child birthed by me and u 

[glassbeetle]

i have never been supported financially and only moderately supported emotionally but im still fucking killing it and i havent let my mental illness get the best of me so fuck every thought i have saying im not gonna make it to a comfortable place bc im on the way 

[glassbeetle]

i feel so weird bc my whole life i havent felt safe talking about any personal relationships with my parents, ive always hidden dating ppl for as long as i could, and i was so scared of what they would think when me and jazz got married. and now theyre getting all excited about our anniversaries and telling me about their very short courtship sitch and i wish i could just let myself know what i wanted and follow that choice without worrying about my parents being ashamed of me