I have to rant. I am just so mad and sad right now that I need to find somewhere to express it. And why not here?
I have moved on to the part of my life where everyone says, "This is the best moment of your life." I have entered college, and like many others I am dorming. At first I was so set on this idea that dorming will be the greatest thing that I could possibly do. That it would help shape me to be the woman that I will become one day. That dorming will help me grow and become less shy. That my friends was complete and utter bull shit. Dorming does not help you in any of those ways. Dorming makes you realize that living at home wasnt so bad, that having your mom nag at you was better than having loud teenage girls who are experiencing freedom for the first time, yell down the hallways.
Okay. Maybe I am a little bias right now. Dorming is amazing for those of you that like that sort of thing. But its not for everyone, meaning its not for me. If you like your privacy, dont dorm. If you like being home because you've grown up constantly being around family, then dont dorm. If you are socially awkward, then dont dorm if you dont want to. basically, you dont have to dorm unless your dumb ass school makes you. Now here is my personal story, I hope you are prepared for this-
I wanted to dorm so bad. SO BAD to the point that I didnt think about it anymore. I didnt think of it in a logical sense, instead I just thought I could do it- like on tv. But boy did I fool myself. I only dormed to prove a lesson, to prove that my brother wasnt the only one who could go off on his own. You see I always had this thing to pick with my father, he believed my brother could do no wrong, and that he could do anything. Thus I forced my opinions and made them let me dorm. But during that whole time I never once thought of what I MAY be doing to myself. (I may be dramatic but hey thats me.) I am the person who likes my personal space, I dont love being around people constantly... it just drains me. Especially since I know no one here, it makes it worse. My roommate? Shes so nice to me, but even that doesnt make me like it here. She has her own friends, which she should, and I have none. And I hate that my parents constantly say that I'm not trying... sorry if I dont randomly go up to people and be like, "Hi, im ____" Thats not me. I answer when people talk to me, If I have something to say I will, but its the hardest for me to just go up and talk to people here.
Now heres the depression part. I lost who I am. How? Well for starters, I am naturally a loud person who is always, laughing, and just enjoying myself type of person. BUT LATELY, I enjoy nothing. Anything that used to make me happy before just annoys me now. I physically cant eat, and I try, trust me. I LOVE FOOD- but right now in my state its like impossible. Food brings no joy to me, I could go the whole day with having ONE FUCKING MEAL. Honestly, thats not healthy, but I cant help it. And im to the point where I cant even go in the cafe area because i start to get antsy. Wanna know something? I lost weight, and normally I would be screaming on top of mountains happy, (because I just need to lose a couple of pounds) BUT this is not the way to do it. And I hate it.
Now to my parents. They can take me out. Next semster I wont have to dorm unless they pay for it. They think they are doing me a favor, they think that this will help me grow and be better. BUT NO. It wont. Yes I may make a friend here, yes I might enjoy it a little bit but NO I do not want to spend the countless number of nights that I have to here. Dorming is not for me, and I am honestly wasting my parents money. They paid for me to use up my slides and go into the cafe, but I CANT, so that money is wasted. I told them this, but they think they know whats best. They are not listening.
Normally, I would be like okay, I can do this. I would force myself to do something, to change but this time I cant. I can feel my body breaking apart. I fucking cry so easily now, (I mean I am emotional but damn not like this) & Nothing makes me laugh.
You think this smile plastered to my face or this moment of laughter I have is of me being happy? NO. Have you ever seen someone force emotions because they know deep down they cant genuinely showcase them? Well thats me.
My reason for feeling so depressed isnt half as bad as many others around me. Others probably have it much worse than me! And I am sorry for that, but for me right now, life sucks.
& I dont think I could go back to being myself unless I get to live back home. btw if anyone thinks its because I miss my parents or family or whatever, sorrry to burst your bubble but no. What I miss? Is fucking being myself, the normal happy person that I love being. Not person who I am right now- the one who has to force myself to do work, to get up, to try to eat, to do anything.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted.
& just more reminder for everyone. Dorming isnt for everyone, and in my case right now, it was the worst mistake I ever made. But too bad no one cares, they all just dont understand. But I'm curious if anyone here does understand, or they think like the others- that it will get better eventually & that im just dramatic.
Either way, I know myself better than anyone else. So I know what I say is true.
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