may

who i am comes in waves.

[glib-ly]

i want to know who your first best friend was. did you guys become friends on the playground at school? did your parents get along? what was your favorite game to play at recess? who was the first girl you remember ever having a crush on? my first crush was a boy named christopher (we never called him chris), whose parents dressed in a dapper dress shirt and pants every day. he gave me yellow flowers and for a five year old, i may as well have been married. the next day though i found out he gave daisies to my best friend. i cried walking home from school that day. 

what are your parents like? what do you guys talk about at the dinner table every night? they must be so proud of you. and your siblings - how are you guys alike? how are you different? what inspires you about each of them? do they get under your skin ever? it feels like my sister and i clash daily when we’re living under the same roof, but we usually get by. is that what it’s like for you guys too? 

what’s your favorite movie? is there a movie that’s ever made you cry? pre-pandemic, what are the things you’d do that brought you joy? what are your friends like? what do you guys talk about? i mean, i know you’re playing video games with them every other day, but when it comes to the real shit, who do you turn to for advice? 

sometimes i feel overwhelmed by my curiosity and eagerness to know you. most of the time, i feel a little sad that it feels like that isn’t reciprocated. you don’t ask me questions. you don’t even spend time with me on the phone to ask. when you say you miss me, i fight the urge to ask who you could miss. who do you know? 

[glib-ly]

one thing i like about ‘i miss you’ in korean is that it actually quite literally translates to, ‘i want to see you’ 

[glib-ly]

we've seen firsthand the primal instincts people have, exercising survival of the fittest without regard of the neighbors next to them. this music is donald's best. i wonder what the man illustrated in the middle, by the edge of panel 2, is praying about. i think he's praying. he appears to be holding his hands close together. he's focused. he's looking down. i'd like to think i'm that man, but i haven't prayed in a long time. what happens if i run out of time to? i think about death more as a buzzer - like the final sound you hear before the end of a basketball game. the clock just runs out and then that's it. you don't get to play anymore. no more opportunities to score, no more teamwork. you walk off the court and it's just you. what if i run out of time to pray?

[glib-ly]

2019 lessons

corporate america can SMD.

fuck viacom.

knowing how to fill up your tires at a gas station is vital.

instead of seeking reciprocation in relationships, seek joy. focusing on the former inevitably leads to disappointment.

pride is a dangerous, dangerous thing. don’t let it control your decisions or impact your dignity. 

i’m convinced every executive/person who’s climbed the corporate ladder got there by faking it. i don’t think any of them know what they’re actually doing. 

people and relationships evolve with time. acknowledging friendships aren’t the same or growing further apart don’t have to be a sad occurrences.

when i’m having a rough day, the person i want to spend the most time with is me. 

life is about taste. 

white men will see themselves in everything. 

syracuse university is a place i loved filled with peers of mine who never quite loved me or others that looked like me. it continues to be that place today. 

insecurity is an individualistic problem. it has nothing to do with you or me. you cannot help an insecure person see what you see in them. don’t attempt to… that’s their own journey. 

every man - and i cannot stress this enough - is a fuck boy at heart. 

i am more los angeles than i would ever like to admit. oat milk’s hella good. 

i like roller coasters more than i knew i did.

i’m bad at flirting. 

so much of what we do for others is really actually for ourselves... to make ourselves feel better, to pat ourselves on the back for that great thing we did. joey was right, there’s no such thing as a fully selfless act. 

my parents were not born to be my parents. they are full human beings before they are my parents. 

four gin & tonics is all i need to get drunk. or a full bottle of wine. or about three cocktails. tbd on beers. 

i don’t like beer if it’s not a hot summer day. 

confrontation is necessary. i wish we weren’t so afraid of it. 

[glib-ly]

life is about taste

[glib-ly]

i’m 25 today. these are the years i used to dream about.

[glib-ly]

also i was into some wack ass outfits when i had this tumblr, wtf lemme scrub this basic shit 

[glib-ly]

i’ve been wandering around wondering if maybe i should start praying again.  the sun is too bright,  my skin is too young, my reality is flowing too well for no one up there to be looking out for me.

i’m basquiat and diaz,  SAMO IS DEAD.  death to the same old mindset, the same old routine, the same old hustle, the same old prayer.

amen...

[glib-ly]

words were never necessarily easy to find, but i remember it being easier than this. you used to be the scapegoat, and it’s easy to write about a villain. three years and some odd months later, i don’t have anyone to blame anymore. 

it’s funny -- even when i read some of my happy thoughts about us, it just reads as a girl who’s trying to convince herself over and over again of her happiness. like, i am happy, i am happy, i am happy. 

but i still went to bed every night a little sadder, a little more disappointed than the night before. 

being in los angeles is exactly what i made it out to be. covered in all of its smog and pollution is a city that is home to over four million people... and then me. and yeah, i’m doing okay. and yes, i am lucky and beyond grateful. 

but i’m still going to bed every night a little sadder and a little more disappointed than the night before.

[rhade-zapan]

Illustration | Kenneth Price

Follow Rhade-Zapan for more visual treats

[glib-ly]

i wanted to buy a cactus today. it was 7.99 and the sales associate gave me a look, it isn’t worth it. so i turned my back and i didn’t buy it. i walked during a thunderstorm last night. it was the first time in what feels like a long time that i felt happy. my clothes were dripping in the elevator and a guy asked where i walked from. i told him i was just walking. i think i’ve been searching for something these past few days, though i can’t quite figure out what it is. i’m not sure that the answer is here, but i’m trying. a collection of questions. and then me, just standing outside waiting for it to rain.

[glib-ly]

i hope i find the inspiration to write again.

[glib-ly]

i’ve never fallen out of love before -- i’ve never been in love, period -- but i imagine that if i had, it would feel a lot like the way ‘blonde’ sounds. 

[afadthatlastsforever]

It’s a sad, unfortunate fact of life that what people look for in each other does not always align. The miserable heart of the matter is, when we met eyes, I saw potential and you saw a pastime.

Beau Taplin • U n a l i g n e d  (via afadthatlastsforever)

[bart0sz-xx]

[frankocean]

self portrait (2015)

[yesdarlingido]

In an affair, you see the other person in a very different dynamic than you do your spouse–you see them on your terms when you want an escape from the challenges of commitment. Instead of pressing into the complexity and challenging nature of what it means to love—to not withdraw, but to lean in, to care, to stay, and to try–you turn to the easiest alternative that gives an outlet of escape, to enter another world that is, for a time, void of the messiness of intimacy. So, by definition, an affair is not intimacy, because that’s the exact thing you’re running away from. And this is nothing to scoff at—we are all wanting an escape from the pressure of life in some way or another, and this is no different in relationships. We are all prone to wander into a false sense of idealism that caters to the unmet needs of a relationship. Every affair requires some level of delusion. The key is to know that when love is hard—when you wish there was a way out—that is the exact moment to stop looking for an exit and to cultivate reasons to stay. You don’t want another partner—you want connection without the cost, and that’s neither sustainable nor realistic. Connection always comes with a cost, and an affair is bidding on something you can’t afford because when you’re way behind on your payments on a previous purchase. Weird analogy, but you see how nonsensical affairs are? You’re not chasing real connection–you’re actually running away from it. 

-L, thoughts of a therapist

[glib-ly]