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worth

someone asked me a few days back. 0lshe asked me, what i’ve been through these last half year. and one chain of questions did make me think.

“is he really worth your time? for almost 6 months, you’ve made yourself looked like a fool who still hanging onto him. what is it in him that makes you still fighting? do you realized that he moved on, he doesn’t think about you?”

the answer is yes, i do know i made myself look like a moron. yes, i fully realized that he moved on, another yes on he doesnt think about me. another nod of agreement from me that i am a fool. but..

he was the boy i dreamed of since forever. he was the one who open my eyes about the whole new universe of God. he was the one who understand my stupidest jokes, when everyone thinks it wasnt even funny. he was the one who tried so hard to make me happy. he was the one who shared the same philosophies of life, the way i see the world. he was the one who taught me the importance of life and family. he was the one who got my whole idea of things. he understood me. he was the one i really willing to sacrifice all of my time for. he was the one who made me understand the sacrifices, the hurt, the pain of love. he was the one who made me thanking God for someone who once in my life, i have fear to lose. he was the one who gave me the real meaning of love.

if you asked me a hundred time, does he worth all my pain? i will answer you a hundred and one time, he does worth all of it, and everything beyond it.

why? because you, m, was my dream, is my dream, and always will be my dream.

happiest birthday. i love you, still, and always.

the first

do you remember that day when i was sleeping, and when i suddenly awoke. you were staring at me? i always loved your eye stare. there is this certain depth on it, its like i can see your love. you moved your head closer to mine. and you smiled. that coy-half-smile of yours. your right dimple appeared. and again i was lost in it. your hands reached out to mine. and ours entwined. you held it like your life depends on it.

that was the first time i ever feel scared of losing you. the person i really really love for the first time in my life. i drawn myself to the feeling of being loved by you is all the things i ever wanted. and you were. you were all of the sweet dreams of mine. you were the boy i always wanted to have. you were the one i always thank God for at the end of each day. you are, and always have been.. my bittersweet reality, the beautiful harmony in my synchronization, the missing piece puzzle in me, the love of my life, but one and foremost all.

my dream. from the first time we met.

31. Blue moon. Lovebirds.

so 5 things remind me of you today.

#1 its 31.. happy failed 7th monthsary, m :”) even when you are no longer with me, i still love you. so much. i know this doesnt mean anything and you dont want to hear it, but i just... i couldnt let this day passing by without remember how it was 7 months ago when you tell me iloveyou directly to me for the first time :”)

#2 but its also very hurt for me to remember that it has been 2 months since we broke up. and it has been 2 months since my last attempt to see you. it only has been 2 months, and i feel like im dying. i just really want the suffer to stop..

#3 it has been 1 year since you first said that i was the girl you would like to date, and this was the day you told me i’m beautiful for the first time.

#4 its the blue moon, the one that appears only every 3 years. it reminisced me to the conversations about how we liked the full moon, because it made us slightly nearer. its the full moon that we awaited every month.

#5 its the lovebirds photos you took. i remember that day your dad bought them and you were so happy. i remember i didnt know what kind of bird they are, then you insisted me to google it. i remember you snapchatted me those birds, the ones that you call.. medi retta ;’)

huft. so i love you med. still and always :”( 2.47 AM.

m; 3.26am.

so i just accidentally tap on your voicenote. and it just punched me. i cant resist my own tears, they’re falling down just like that.

i miss you… so much. i miss your eyes and the stare. i miss your skin. i miss your one dimple. i miss the crinkle under your nose. i miss your tight handhold. i miss your funny giggles. i miss your scent. i miss you asking me about everything that comes up in your mind. i miss your tender loving voice. i miss your carefree laughs. i miss your scar that placed just above your eyebrow. i miss touching your hair. i miss your coy awkward gestures. i miss telling you i love you. i miss tickling your stomach. i miss exchanging good songs that we just discovered. i miss how you always remind me to pray, study, and go to church. i miss your daily bible verse given to me before you go off. i miss your tight hugs. i miss rubbing your hand and all those veining. i miss singing songs with you. i miss your scolds. i miss wearing your Galilee necklace. i miss your unstable connection line calls. i miss you being spoiled. i miss wearing your bracelet. i miss how you always worried about me. i miss you asking about that day’s devotion. i miss your hellos, your goodnight, your good mornings. i miss your piano and guitar voice notes. i miss you telling me what 365-notes you got that day. i miss you telling me what’s right and what’s wrong. i miss you tidying up my hair. i miss you holding on my shoulder when i was in front of you. i miss you wrapping my face with your hands. i miss wearing your shoes. i miss those deep conversations. i miss those funny jokes. i miss your orchids, rabbits, birds, and fishes. i miss you messing up with my bangs and hair. i miss you telling me how much you love me. i miss sleeping and leaning on your shoulder. i miss how you hug my waist and pull me closer to you. i miss those coy smile of mine whenever i’m with you. i miss you telling me about how your day went by, i miss your snapchats. i miss your rushed live videos. i miss your wise advices. i miss those nights we shared. i miss those hours-counted meetings. i miss those fast heartbeat when i saw you.

and even worse, i miss your silence while we’re not talking.. just sharing a stare. i love you m, even after 3 months. i miss your love, so badly…. oh, how i can tell my endless list on what i’ve been missing from you :(( and i know you were sleeping so tight, and here I am just trying to let go the best best best memories of you. just trying not to feel anything, trying to be numb. trying to stop this tears.. and i failed. because i found... myself even more missing and loving you, med... :”( so goodnight, sleep well, and iloveyou. always.. {} :”( *cony and brown hug stickers* :”(

it seems so easy for you to dump, delete, and forget all the things we used to share. congratulations, you managed to completely erased me from your life. and I cant even move on or stop these tears from falling.

those nights.

remember that night we were on call? you were singing and playing guitar because i insisted you to do so and i fell asleep. you were so annoyed, you asked elsa to wake me up. twice.

remember that night we were chatting and then you went missing for 5 hours? i was so angry, i thought you fell asleep without telling me. and it turns out that your phone broke down.

remember that night, a year ago, we were having barbecue at my house? you sat next to me, and we both were teasing raymond because he couldnt make it to the gath. you were wearing your green t-shirt, i remember how we accidentally switched our glasses, we were laughing when we found out.

remember that night, when we were talking? we were talking about everything that were crossing our minds. our hands and legs are intertwined. i remember how warm yours are, i dont wanna let them go ever.

remember that night, when i suddenly awoke in a middle of the night. and you were there. i could went back to sleep just like that. how comfortable it was to be next to you.

remember that night, when i looked away and when i stared at you, you were already staring at me? you smiled. that smile i never forget. the smile that vibrates my whole heart. it warms out my heart. it really does.

remember that night you made me fall on purpose? you were laughing so hard, i even forget how hurt it was. and in that moment, just like that. i realized. i love your laughs. they are just… carefree, and insanely contagious. i always loved your laughs.

remember that night we were fighting when i was in palembang? i tried to push you away, but you hold on. that was the first time i cried with you. you said. “is this all? just like this and you give up?” we reconciled that day. honestly, i didnt want to let you go.. i just want you to fight for me. and you did. that day, you did. it made me realized, how much i really am love you.

remember that night we were on video call? i remembered how you hugged your pillow. how you said you loved me. and you would never leave me. that stare in your eyes… was the most beautiful thing. the stares i never got from anyone. they were beyond special..

remember that night, we were talking for 4 hours thru midnight? you said. “i deliberately didnt say much. just to see, if you’d ask and keep me in the conversations. and you did.” it made me so happy.

remember that night i said you being different? that night we didnt solve our problem. i laid awake and cried. and the next morning, you apologized. for being selfish. you asked for another chance. to fix all of this. you didnt want to give up. you loved me so much, you didnt want to let me go. and i did give you another shot. but did you give me when i too asked for a second chance? you didnt......

remember that night, i was so hungry just before we were about to call? i made myself a portion of indomie and you scolded me why it took me so long, because you were being impatient about the call. and i said.. i made myself the jumbo size. and you replied: gendut km, neng. i was laughing so hard when i typed back: ah, akang juga mau kan sama eneng ;;)

remember those nights i had nightmares. and i woke in dawn everyday. you were so worried.

remember that night we were fighting? it was a day before my birthday. and you said. can we pause? can we not fight just for tomorrow? i remember i cried in starbucks that night. i couldnt hold back my tears. that was me being selfish as hell.

remember that night we were fighting, and being selfish? we realized that we both grown apart. we fought. but we wanted to be together. we wanted to try and give us another shot. we didnt give up on us.

remember that new year eve? when we watched the fireworks went off beautifully… and when it came to midnight, you hugged me. so tightly. you said. iloveyou ret. it was… amazing.

remember that night when we were talking about our dreams and hopes? you would like to build this outstanding building. and i would like to teach ballet and have my own eo. remember that conversations we had about the dream houses? the roofless, the piano, the paintings, the mirrors, the big backyard, the rooms, the plants, the orchids you and i both liked the best, the fishes you always liked, all those little details.

remember that night, when you went missing for hours? you chatted me back, crying. you had this big problem, and you were angry, scared, and sad. that day was the day you opened up to me, the day when i saw the deepest side of yours. but i love them, i encourage them, i am brave enough to embrace them. you promised me you wouldnt be that kind of guy. you promised me you will be a good man. that was the promise i hold onto until today.

but. remember this night. when i was once again crying over you. remembering all these moments. these little details. they arent little. they arent details. and you might forget them all. but they never left mine. remember this night. when i was once again remembered your broken promises. when you were even laughing and having fun with other people. here i am laying awake, wishing how we could once more… reconciled. remember this night, when my tears were once again flowing down my cheeks. reminiscing all your giggles, your scent, your laughs, your smile, your body, your piano-songs, your voice, your chats, your stares, your iloveyou, your favorites of everything, your love and all. remember this night, when i couldnt even remember your bads. what i remember is all the loves, your imperfections that somehow makes you look even more astonishing.

remember that night when you said. love cant turn into hatred as fast as we fell in love. but now you hate me. you hatred all the things about me. you despise me, the way you once told me about this one person. and i cant live with all these. i tried to numb everything but i cant. everytime i saw your name, or catch a glimpse of you in anyone’s snapchats, it broke my heart all over again. it never heals. it never mends.

remember this night. when i have my heart once more ache. broken. lost. crumble to pieces. and you wont even care, wont even a bit.

why - ?

because i dont know what to feel.

angry? sad? disappointed? afraid? hopeless?

i’m angry because i realized that they dont need me. because all of the hardwork, sacrifices, and dedication i put for the last 4 years was nothing in their eyes. i’m angry because i am unappreciated. i’m angry because i’m missing out opportunities. also because i cant do anything.

i’m sad, because i was forgotten. because they dont want me. i made a mistake, and just like that it seems like i dont deserve a second chance. i’m sad because i’m missing the biggest part of me. i’m missing out a family.

i’m sad because you turned out to be the person you promised you wouldnt be. terribly sad because you forgot your promises. you forgot about all the things we once shared. you remembered about my anger, my faults, my mistakes, all the bad things in me, our fights, our issues. but you neglected our love, the hugs, the presents, the sweet words, the late calls, the beautiful days, the hours-counted meetings, the missing days. you remembered all the bads and you dont care about whats good in us. i’m irretrievably sad because you said things to me, things you promised you wouldnt say to anyone. you changed. you became a person i hardly know. i cant recognize. and you left.. you once promised me that you wont leave. that you will fight for us. that you will try. if i ask now, if i ask you to proof it... you will be angrier. and i cant take it anymore.

i’m afraid to accept the changes. to realize that i must move on. i’m afraid to open my eyes and to embrace a whole new things. i’m afraid to lose my comfort zones. to regain the new things. i’m afraid of everything.

i’m hopeless. dont you see? dont you all see? i’m only an ordinary person. who still learn to control myself, to take charge. and all of you dont even giving me a chance to mend it all. to make it all fixed.

i dont know what to feel. i really dont. i just really want to end it.

can i?

just-call-me-ella

A post about romantic relationships

so I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years now. And I see a lot of posts about how people think relationships mean having butterflies forever, your heart beating faster when they walk into a room, about cuddling together every night, legs intertwined, that you’d be so happy to live together you’d sleep on a double bed with each other every night.

And its not really like that, at least not to me.

You stop getting the butterflies when you live together. Your heart no longer speeds up when you see them, but instead, everything calms down. When you’re in the room with them, you feel calm, and secure. When you cuddle them you feel your heart beat slow, and the sound of their breathing carry you towards comfort. It doesn’t feel like a roller coaster anymore, it feels like home.

You don’t sleep curled up with each other every night, legs twisted between theirs so tight its hard to tell where yours begin and theirs end.

Instead, you sleep comfortably, side by side, sometimes facing different directions. But every night, you find yourself scooting backwards on the bed so you bump into them. You snuggle against their arm, or stroke their hair as they fall asleep. There are nights when my boyfriend, in his sleep, reaches around me and pulls me to him, like a child with his teddybear, like I am his comfort.

In the wee hours of the morning before the dawn breaks, when the world is blue and you see through cracked eyes, you curl into their chest and inhale their scent before drifting back to sleep.

Kisses aren’t always romantic and firey anymore. But there are so much more of them now. There are cold kisses when you’re eating ice cream in the summer, and sticky kisses over breakfast pancakes. There’s “I’m leaving now” kisses, and “one more kiss before you go” kisses. There’s sleepy morning kisses before work, when you don’t remember the alarm going off but instead the press of their lips against yours is what brings you into the day.

There’s kisses before sleep, and, you are so sweet with the things you do kisses. There’s kisses because you treat animals so tenderly, and I’m so glad i’m with you and not someone else kisses. There’s quick kisses in the aisles of the grocery store, when its loud and you gravitate together, when instead of having your own personal space and their own personal space, its both of yours together, and you step into their chest to take up less area together.

You don’t always text each other with confessions of love and care like you used to, because that’s a given now, and you’ve moved on to quirky inside jokes about the life you’ve built together. You share looks of exasperation and amusement in public, your own little world against the outside one.

Relationships aren’t always a fairy tale. They’re not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start.

But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It’s not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drowsily drift into sleep.

And I love that.

chazzfox

*SLAMS REBLOG BUTTON!!!*

theworrierqueen

THISSSSSS

healthy-warriors-deactivated201

This is everything and more

laschatzi

oh God. This post nails it. I’m in a 20 years’ relationship now, and I can confirm it. EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

afraid. scared.

after all these months.

im scared. im afraid. to start new. to move on. to not remember. to walk away like you did.

im afraid. if one day, i lose my hope in you. i let go my promises. i accept that you and i are over. i wait for your messages. i lose my love for you.

im scared. if one day, i can look you in the eye without feeling the butterflies all over my stomach. if one day i can hear your laughter without my burdens being lifted away. if one day i can go to our place without seeing you all over the place. if one day i can listen to our songs without feeling broken. if one day i can hear your name without feeling hurt.

im afraid. if i forget. how you run your days. how you laugh so loud. how your cheeks blushed whenever i tease you. how your schedule went. your scent, your all.

but most of all. im afraid being used to your absence. being able to walk thru a day without you popping out in my mind. forget how it feels to be loved by you. being just okay without you. im afraid to survive without you.

i dont want to lose them all. but its starting. im starting to forget how you used to be. how you used to be here all the time. im afraid of being mend. of being healed.

to just say i love you, and i miss you. its too scary for me. im afraid you will walk further. and its funny... how i used to say those lines everyday. and you will reply the same exact lines. sometimes... i dont want things to be better. because that means.. i still love you, the old you. because somehow that means... i still have you in my heart. because i’m comfortable. i used to be loved. and i dont want to lose you. not at all.

but its so scary. i dont want to think about it. im afraid. but what can i do?

after 2.5 months. i still love you. and im afraid. that i need you.. more than you need me. more than anything.

sleepwalking and reminiscing.

days passing by.. and I just faced them. without really giving them meanings. days become weeks. and weeks become months.

time goes by, but no.. have i moved on? no. i was sleepwalking. sliding thru the days. and i hate being like this.

“tell me if you suddenly awake, tell me if you had nightmares.” you said. and i have them. every night. i found myself reminiscing about how you used to hug me so tightly.. all of my stress just melt away.. all of my broken pieces just mend. all those tears i always hold back just flowing down my eyes. i laid awake every single night. thinking about what we did wrong. about how we failed to love. how we used to be such in sweetness. we were madly in love, we once.

“sleep tight. dont awake in middle of the night again, okay? you’ve met me today. you should not missing me already. sweet dreams {} iloveyou, so much♥” i was sleeping so tightly. because i know, i will awake with your good morning texts. your i-miss-you texts. your you-buffalo!-what-time-is-it?! texts. your i-love-you texts. because i know, i will awake with you waiting with your love and all.

“before you say something like you are not my type and i know you will say so, i just want to say... i love you ret, i love you so much. ♥ ♥ ♥ ” ”if i forget, if i want to leave, please remind me that i have you ret, dont let me leave you, remind me that i always love you. always.” you know how i felt when you say so? i thought.. i finally have someone who really accepts me, for my goods and bads. i finally can love someone without have to worry that he will leave. finally... someone who doesnt want to leave my side.

“i will always love you. and i know you love me too ret. i can see it in your eyes.” i used not to believe in this. how you could see it? but its true... i love you, in the way i never love anyone. in the way i think i will never love anything.

“thank you. for being my biggest motivation, my supporter, my love, my everything. love without sacrifices is nothing.” “please be patient with me. please wait for me.” “thank you for appreciating my feelings. accepting me for who i am, for being honest and make new commitments.” “i laid awake. i cannot sleep. thinking of you, and us. of what we could be, of what we all are.” “i ask you to... be royal, dont get bored with me, but please stay concentrate with your studies, i want you to get closer to God, i want you to be able to wait for me.” “you make me feel secure, genuinely happy, fun. this is the feelings that i have not feel in a long time. you always be there for me, i dont know if its not you. i dont know who will cheer me up like you do, you are the one who always push me to be better, you give me so many lessons for life. and i always love you ret.”

but if i say these things. if i remind you of them.. will you care? because, all of these things you once said has been replaced with “dont send me any of those screenshots anymore. it meant nothing. it will not change anything.”

and when I heard it the first time. i feel like my heart just broke to pieces. i feel the hurt, the ache that i never had before. devastated. sad. broken down. even crying could not help.

it has been months... and i still remember those words. i remember words to words. lines to lines. and i still love you. hopelessly, irretrievably in love with you.

happy 30 med. both you and i know what today meant 6 months ago. i miss you, so badly it hurts.

“And every time I close my eyes. I thank the Lord that I've got you, and you've got me too. And every time I think of it, I pinch myself 'cause I don't believe it's true. That someone like you, loves me too.” :)

the hour after midnight.

its over midnight. and I found myself lost. no. I found myself reminiscing, remembering, recalling, triggering, crying, sobbing. and most importantly.

i found myself. missing and loving you.

even after all these months. after all that happened. i still am. very much. very dearly. deeply. terribly.

always.

6months.ago.

Half a year ago... I woke up next to you. you wore your blue jersey I always liked. your hands on your shoulder, your eyes closed. you slept so tight.. and I couldnt resist myself to smile looking at you. we went to the pool. you were thrown to the pool and so did I. you asked me to teach you how to swim. and we laughed. cause you were so scared. even for holding your breathe underwater, or even to just float... we raced to the opposite side of the pool. i won in swimming. you won in just running in the pool. and we did had fun. we had our breakfast together.. you had rice and meat. i had my cereal and eggs. i gave you my christmas present. unwrapped, but you looked so excited. remember that moment? i gave you a tutorial book on how to draw humans. cause you said you cant draw me... and even when you tried... you said that i looked weird ;') you snapchatted my face. my candid face, saying... "how happy she is to hijacked my phone" do you remember? Remember this day... 6 months ago.. you broke your glasses? you literally go half blind that day :'p 6 months ago.. I was sitting alone in the bus. when you decided to sit next to me. i was cheering inside. i remember paying attention to your brown coconut island shirt. and i remember you wore your white pants i mocked. i remember you switched on and off your phone. cause you said. I need nothing from it when you got me next to you. but remember how i insisted on checking your phone? checking your old photos, your messages, your everything. remember when your head leaned to me while you were sleeping? and you awoke, just when we reached the mall. do you remember passing through the street with me? remember how you put yourself on the out side of the street, while your eyes cant even see things clearly? :'p remember when we were in calais? remember how you always walked next to me? remember how happy you were to see the rabbits? or how nervous you were to see that we planned on ice skate? you looked so funny then... remember how you got sick? you felt dizzy... I shared my fried rice with you. while you ordered some kind of ice.. i remember forcing you to eat, you looked so pale :( I remember i was worried about you. But you were still your cheerful self. remember we hijacked dudu's phone? :') that afternoon.. when we visited Kartika Sari.. do you remember when you came along with me? In a middle of drizzle, you still tried to protect me in the street. you were sick, and you cant see things. but you insisted to accompany me.. remember when we waited inside? we were sitting on a bench, side to side... you told me... do i have enough space for your gift? and i asked.. why dont you give me now? You answered.. later is better. do you remember that night on the bus? i was about to fall asleep when you suddenly held my hand.. i smiled. but i couldnt look at you. i was too shy. i let go your hand.. just to make sure.. and you caught it again. you held it.. tightly. and we fell asleep. holding hands. your head leaned to my head. and i leaned to your shoulder. i was really happy... time flew. A part of me does not want to let go. ever. but we did. after we took our luggage.. you took something from your bag. my christmas present.. we said goodbye. shared the last hug. I remembered seeing you off. walking away, dragging your luggage. i missed you already back then. and remember how i didnt get taxi to get home? you were so worried. you tried to make sure I get home safely. remember tonight. 6 months ago. you called me as soon as i reached home. its 11.58 PM. we spent 1.5 hours on call. i opened your christmas gifts while on the phone with you. and i wowed. you remembered.. what i said about paris.. you remembered... what i lack of.. you said you were sorry... because you didnt have time to write anything on the card.. Do you remember it? As clearly as i am now? I didnt forget.. anything.. everything was recorded. so firmly on my mind. i can recall it... i can still sense all of it.. the love, the hugs, the tight handholds, the worry, the happiness, everything... i remember every last detail on today, 6 months ago. 11.58 PM. 24th June 2015. 6 months after. I reminisced. I remembered. and the same goes back to 6 months ago.. I love you. and i miss you. we laughed. we threw our heads on our feet because of love. we shared goodnight for the first time. the first sweet dreams. and the first hug sticker. the different thing is. you did not. not anymore. you moved on. we never said goodnight anymore. no more sweet dreams, cause I laid awake every night thinking of you. i jumped awoke in the middle of the night dreaming about you. no more sticker. no more chat. no more of your sweet tender loving voice. no more of your giggle, your laugh i always loved. no more of your snapchats. no more of your call. no more of the sweet iloveyou and i miss you. no more. and im dying inside. my heart tore apart. happy failed half a year, m. happy failed 6th monthsary. i miss you more than anything. iloveyou. still. and always.

21 June. 2014. 2015.

2014. we were together. laughed at the same joke. sang the same song. played the same game. cried over the happiness. proud of the mochi accomplishment. took the same photos. shared a long hug. a thank you. you made me fall on purpose. we laughed till our stomach hurt. we played the cards. we listened to the songs on your phone and stopped only because it ran out of battery. we got annoyed by the same reason. i poked your nose with a pig doll while you were sleeping. 2015. we act like a stranger. only we're not. we're victims. of broken love. of failed relationship. i cried. you did not. i unable to sleep, thinking of you and us. On how we fail to love. Of regrets. you unable to sleep, talking with other guys. Having fun. Laughing. i stand alone. you were with another girl. i am tortured with the presence of your memories. you enjoyed your day without me. no chat. no phonecall. no hi. and I found myself.. throwing back to what we were doing at this moment a year back. it hurts.. the tears dropping without I can resist. One thing did not change. my feeling. Towards you. it only grow stronger over the time. last year, I was hopeless. I never thought that you might be mine. that you might like me. this year, I was hopeless too. but of what we have become. i was hopeless... of what we are now. i was hopeless... for your forgiveness, your love. no, my feelings does not change. only memories.

us in a year.

A year ago… June 2014. we were friends who brought together by coincidence and faith. you had your own things, and I had mine. you were with your ex, and I was with mine. we shared laughs, similar songs, days at the camp, and hugs.. and that was it. or I thought that was it.

but then July came along. you were the messages I waited the whole day to get. you were the laughter I had. you were the thing I grateful to have. you were the faster heartbeat. you were all the texts I waited. we became closer… and I cant help myself but wonder, where this will take us.

December 2014. I learnt to bake your favorite cake. I looked forward to the day I could see your face. to hear your laugh in person. to see your eyes. and then.. I was doomed. you were there to hug me tight. you were the shoulder I leaned when I cried. you were the smile and laughter I ever needed. you were the spirit. you were the one I truly cared. you were the 2 hours midnight phone call. you were the 2AM thoughts. the presents we promised to build together..

New year. the happy days. the days you held my hands tight. the nights you tried to make me laugh. all the good things you did. you shared. the tight hug while watching the fireworks. the iloveyou for the first time.

January 2015. the missing-you days. the days full of love and hope. the calls I expected, the live videos I waited. you were the diary. you told me your problems and deepest insecurities. and I told mine. the promises to never let go. the thank-God-I-have-you.. to never stop loving and caring. the promises to never give up... the promises to be patient.

February-April 2015 were the days I bloomed out of love. the dreamy beautiful days... fulfilled, flattered with endless love. you were... the sacrifices I happily made. the snapchats days.. the piano recordings... the never ending chats. the 4 hours line call... the guitar, piano, and singing... the tight hand holds that I miss. the love look on your face when you stared at me. the jealous days. the sweet goodnight, the rushed good morning, the continuously iloveyou texts.

April 2015. Were also the days we fought. the days we broke down. the misunderstanding, the difficulty to listen, the selfish manners. And we survived. or at least I thought.

May 2015 were the days I got angry. were the days you got angry. our selfishness took over. then you gave up. and I begged. and I hoped we could redone everything. the hope for second chances. but no. we were too damaged. we werent bent. We were broken. the end of the may was the start of my gloomy days. the crying, the sleepless nights, the heartache.

June 2015. exactly a year. You were… the unfulfilled promises. the cancelled plans. the awkward conversations. the unwanted chats. the lost. the heartache. the reminiscing memories. the thing that made sleeps unease. the wide awake 2AM thoughts the what ifs wonders. the useless sacrifices. the unending tears. the endless heartache. the hugs I missed. the emptiness. the trauma. the touches I still feel everywhere. and the time you moved on. and here I am. Still waiting for you. even when its hurt. so badly.

how a year could turn up so different. you were the friend became boyfriend. the boyfriend became stranger. the stranger who knows my secrets, my deepest insecurities, my concerns, my deepest thoughts. you were the sweetest dream. the prayer that finally has been answered. the everything I could ever asked. the breath, the love, the life. and i lost you. In a year, yes I did.

2.17AM. beneath everything.. and against the odds... my mind wouldnt think of anything else except you. and the fact that iloveyou. and i miss you. still. And always.

once.

Once you told me.. "Dont leave me." "This is always in my mind. This concerns me. Please dont leave." "I accept you the way you are. Your bads and goods." "If one day I got mad, tell me how much you love me, how much you need me, make me calm. Okay?" "You are always the best of me." "I only love you." "I thank God I met you, and I have you ret." "I never love someone this much." "Please be patient with me, wait for me." "I'll never let you go. Never." "I'll be by your side. Even when distance set us apart. I will always be there for you." "I miss you ret. Always missing you." "Your smile is everything that means for me" "Your love means so much ret." "I dont wanna lose you. Ever" "You make me better. I dont know what to do without you." "You light up my spirit." "I just love you ret. So much." "Please wait. Dont go." But where are you now? when I needed you the most... When I am at the lowest point of my life.. You left. you ignored me.. when i needed something to hold on. After losing everything.. You left me in the dark. And I dont know how to bring myself to light. i dont even know what is light anymore.. you broke me. Crushed me to pieces. To dust. And i dont know what to do.. because i lose my hope. and you put yourself away from me. your put further distance... i want to take a long sleep. But sleeping is not the same anymore without you. i want to forget. But everything reminding me of you. it leads my life to nothing but emptiness.. i'm missing you. i love you. all of your little imperfections. i miss them all. i love them all. but its too late. it was once upon a time. because love has turned to disgust and dislikes. because love has turned to endless cries, and heartache. But once upon a time, life was perfect. Life was in harmony. With you. Only you. and now it was only darkness. And cry. And hopeless. And lost. i miss you, 25.. i love you, 31.. always. "Every time I close my eyes. I thank the Lord I got you x you got me too" -31January 2015, m.

Storm.

This past month has been.... very hard on me. it looks like I cant do anything right. or I'm losing everything. And everyone. This month I deal with rejection, being hopeless, loveless, unbearable hurts, and to be more devastating... they come from my comfort zones, leaving me alone. It is so hard... to see that you used to be meaningful for this person, this community, this place I proudly called home. Its so hard to see that you've been outcasted. To see that you actually means nothing at all. To see your efforts after so long being unrewarded and unappreciated. To see you being left outside, feeling like you dont belong. Like you never have been a part of them. To see you being used. And just thrown away after all of your essence being used. To lose the only person that means the world. To see that people only take advantages of you, without any means to care for you. To see, disgust, and loveless look in the person who you love very dearly. To be so worried after your loved ones, being so scared anything bad could ever happen to them. To be a stranger to the one who you love, you care. To feel your love is not matter anymore, to feel your love means nothing at all. To be heartbroken, lost, devastated, angry, disappointed at the same time. To see all of your efforts.. the ones you never willingly do... is completely hopeless. It is really hard to lose everything... I dont even know what I want, I have, I desire, I worth. I dont know what can I expect, I'm afraid if I try, if I find my new comfort zone.. i'm afraid they will be gone too. i'm scared of reality. I'm truly aware that everybody is replaceable, that there must have been a person that is better than you. And thats when the reality kicked me in the ass. This is not a bad life. I have my peaks, now its time for my lows. I shed bunch of tears, and I cant feel the happiness. Now, it maybe storm that is happening in my life. I'm broken, heartache 24/7. But someday, someone will brings out the new page of life and the sun will shine through. And I'll be okay.

Good-bye?

I thought we were alike. I thought we shared feelings and thoughts. I thought we love each other.

you promised. the promises you never fulfill. the promises you never intend to keep. the promises that only break heart, whose eager to be fulfilled.

I thought you would sacrifice for me. I thought you would fight for us. But they were only in my thoughts. What if “we” is not a good idea? Or never been a good idea?

I thought the rule is people spare time for the ones they love. Or it is not applied for you?

What is a relationship when there is only one of the people trying? and sacrificing? and sparing time?

What is it other than selfish manner? It takes two people in a relationship and now, it is clearly that you’re not trying.

It is definitely wrong when you spend more time crying than laughing in a relationship. And to be honest, I’ve been crying like crazy for the last couple of weeks.

Right now, I know and fully realized that I’m not giving up. But I had enough. I fully aware that I will also cry like baby for the next God-knows-how-long, I know I can’t afford to delete all those earlier screenshots and snapchats. I know I will eventually read them all over again. But I also know, that this is actually my first heartache. but I will survive. HARD.

#elv #el #el's

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