glimpseofwonderâ / Edward :
Her words were like a dagger to his heart; sharp, cuts leaving him bleeding. But Edward fought to hold it back. He couldnât let it show. Not when he had these two wonderful young women looking up to him for strength and guidance, counting on him for safety. Not when he knew it wasnât personal. Christine was suffering, greatly so. And she didnât mean to wound, just explain and get support.
StillâŠ. Like often, Edward was reminded of Belleâs words the one time sheâd caught him weeping in the orchard. âYou care so much for others,â sheâd told him. âCarry their burdens and fears. You do everything to look out for others, Edward, but who looks after you?â
Heâd never told his sisterâs best friend just how much those words hurt. How the realization that she was right was worse than almost everything else. Heâd been forced to adulthood far too soon, and had to become a man, a parent, when he himself had needed a parent most⊠He didnât say, but he knew that Belle had known.
Biting down hard on his lip, Edward turned away from her gaze. Would it be wrong to relate his own story? Would it diminish Christineâs pain, or would it validate it?
âMy mother died when I was 12, Ovarian cancer. Ella was only 8, she was too young to really understand, and we did all we could to shelter her. She knew Mama was sick, but not how bad. It was practically too late when we found out, and she died not too long after getting diagnosed. My father had to do everything he could to try and help her, so I was looking after Ella a lot.â He explained slowly.
âWhen she died, she made me promise to take care of my sister. To do whatever it took to protect her and keep her safe and happy. Or father wasnât the same after. He was still here, but at the same time, he wasnât. He stopped working, he never smiled again. Not his real smile. So I had to take care of him too. Things got a little better over the years. He went back to work and talked a little more, tried to smile. Then⊠When we were 15 and 11⊠He married her. Debts he had to pay, a lifestyle he felt he had to keep them at. We told him to stop. I told him he had to put his foot down. Ella told him he had to look after himself.â
Edward shook his head, an almost bitter look filling his face. âHe didnât listen. It felt like he was choosing them over us. Like he cared for them more. He never saw how they were, or what they did. And when I tried to tell him, he didnât believe me. He died a year later. Worked himself to death. I wouldnât be surprised if she had a hand in it. And youâve seen how itâs been for us since. Nearly 12 years⊠Iâve practically been my sisterâs father for nearly half my life⊠Everything I do, I do for her. And I canât let her see. Heh, Iâve never told this to anyoneâŠâ
He swallowed thickly and wiped at his eyes. âI donât blame Ella. Never. Someoneâs got to do it, and Iâm glad to step up for her. But I⊠I canât help resenting that I had to. How itâs all broken us both. Ella can cry. She can get it out. But I canât. I have to be strong. I have to stand up for and defend her. I lost track of how many times Iâve taken the brunt of their shit to protect her. But why did I have to? Why couldnât my father have protected us? Why couldnât my mother have lived?â
Glancing up at her, he gave a small, teary, ghost of a smile. âWeâre all broken, Christine. Some of us more than others. Let me tell you, I havenât felt like I belonged somewhere in years. And I wish I could say it gets easier. But it hasnât yet for me. If it werenât for Ella, I donât know where or what Iâd be right now⊠I wish I had some magic words to say that would make all your pain go away. But I can only tell you the truth Iâve experienced. And the pain, the anger, it still festers. It still threatens to drag me under. But I see her smile, or hear her laugh, and sometimes, it feels almost worth it. Even feeling like a failure because I canât protect her and knowing that I let down my mother. My life has revolved around Ella for so long, I probably rely on her more than I should. But between her and you, I found a reason to go on. To try. And you have to find a reason. No matter what it is, or how small, you need to find it. Or else, all this pain and regret will destroy you. And thatâs not somewhere you want to go.â
Christine didnât know how to respond at first when he mentioned his mother. Perhaps she hadnât expected the honesty, or that he would open up to her. Perhaps she was just impressed that he had such courage to tell her all that, when she had found it so hard to open up to him and Ella, even after all they have done for her these past few weeks. Perhaps she just need someone else to vulnerable in order for her to truly open up to him.
Christine allowed a few tears to fall down her check, before taking Edwards hand in her own, deciding that if he could do such a kindness to show her how he was broken, so could tell her story too.
