glimpseofwonder / Edward :
Her words were like a dagger to his heart; sharp, cuts leaving him bleeding. But Edward fought to hold it back. He couldn’t let it show. Not when he had these two wonderful young women looking up to him for strength and guidance, counting on him for safety. Not when he knew it wasn’t personal. Christine was suffering, greatly so. And she didn’t mean to wound, just explain and get support.
Still…. Like often, Edward was reminded of Belle’s words the one time she’d caught him weeping in the orchard. ‘You care so much for others,’ she’d told him. ‘Carry their burdens and fears. You do everything to look out for others, Edward, but who looks after you?’
He’d never told his sister’s best friend just how much those words hurt. How the realization that she was right was worse than almost everything else. He’d been forced to adulthood far too soon, and had to become a man, a parent, when he himself had needed a parent most… He didn’t say, but he knew that Belle had known.
Biting down hard on his lip, Edward turned away from her gaze. Would it be wrong to relate his own story? Would it diminish Christine’s pain, or would it validate it?
“My mother died when I was 12, Ovarian cancer. Ella was only 8, she was too young to really understand, and we did all we could to shelter her. She knew Mama was sick, but not how bad. It was practically too late when we found out, and she died not too long after getting diagnosed. My father had to do everything he could to try and help her, so I was looking after Ella a lot.” He explained slowly.
“When she died, she made me promise to take care of my sister. To do whatever it took to protect her and keep her safe and happy. Or father wasn’t the same after. He was still here, but at the same time, he wasn’t. He stopped working, he never smiled again. Not his real smile. So I had to take care of him too. Things got a little better over the years. He went back to work and talked a little more, tried to smile. Then… When we were 15 and 11… He married her. Debts he had to pay, a lifestyle he felt he had to keep them at. We told him to stop. I told him he had to put his foot down. Ella told him he had to look after himself.”
Edward shook his head, an almost bitter look filling his face. “He didn’t listen. It felt like he was choosing them over us. Like he cared for them more. He never saw how they were, or what they did. And when I tried to tell him, he didn’t believe me. He died a year later. Worked himself to death. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a hand in it. And you’ve seen how it’s been for us since. Nearly 12 years… I’ve practically been my sister’s father for nearly half my life… Everything I do, I do for her. And I can’t let her see. Heh, I’ve never told this to anyone…”
He swallowed thickly and wiped at his eyes. “I don’t blame Ella. Never. Someone’s got to do it, and I’m glad to step up for her. But I… I can’t help resenting that I had to. How it’s all broken us both. Ella can cry. She can get it out. But I can’t. I have to be strong. I have to stand up for and defend her. I lost track of how many times I’ve taken the brunt of their shit to protect her. But why did I have to? Why couldn’t my father have protected us? Why couldn’t my mother have lived?”
Glancing up at her, he gave a small, teary, ghost of a smile. “We’re all broken, Christine. Some of us more than others. Let me tell you, I haven’t felt like I belonged somewhere in years. And I wish I could say it gets easier. But it hasn’t yet for me. If it weren’t for Ella, I don’t know where or what I’d be right now… I wish I had some magic words to say that would make all your pain go away. But I can only tell you the truth I’ve experienced. And the pain, the anger, it still festers. It still threatens to drag me under. But I see her smile, or hear her laugh, and sometimes, it feels almost worth it. Even feeling like a failure because I can’t protect her and knowing that I let down my mother. My life has revolved around Ella for so long, I probably rely on her more than I should. But between her and you, I found a reason to go on. To try. And you have to find a reason. No matter what it is, or how small, you need to find it. Or else, all this pain and regret will destroy you. And that’s not somewhere you want to go.”
Christine didn’t know how to respond at first when he mentioned his mother. Perhaps she hadn’t expected the honesty, or that he would open up to her. Perhaps she was just impressed that he had such courage to tell her all that, when she had found it so hard to open up to him and Ella, even after all they have done for her these past few weeks. Perhaps she just need someone else to vulnerable in order for her to truly open up to him.
Christine allowed a few tears to fall down her check, before taking Edwards hand in her own, deciding that if he could do such a kindness to show her how he was broken, so could tell her story too.
