Senior
To anyone who is in school, I have a simple thing to share with you. Don’t let yourself give up. It’s the hardest thing to do as a student. You think how meaningless all this paperwork is, and how annoying the instructors sound. I was a learning support student. If you don’t know what that is, it means I have trouble learning at the same pace as an average student. I was given modifications to fit with what I was able to do. Every week, I had to read a short passage in a tiny room with this lady who I didn’t get along with. I didn’t understand, but I never asked questions about it. It became normal. The weekly pull from my class was nothing. I would forget about it, and go on with my day. This was only my elementary school years that I first experienced what being a learning support student was like. The term IEP didn’t make sense until middle school. I spent study hall, lunch, and extra time after school doing work in a less confined room. I sat in that room with a group of people that I would be spending every year with until graduation. I wasn’t aware that these students, loud and disrespectful, were just like me. I didn’t get along with them. My parents were strict with me. If I did something rude, they punished me right then and there. These kids shouted and ran around like they were wild animals. I would feel sorry for the teacher who had to look after us, but I learned soon enough, she didn’t want to deal with anyone in her room. That included me. I was the quiet, well behaved girl who despite not getting work done quickly, had manners and respect for others. Before the year was over, this teacher had the idea to fix my organization problems by making me hand over any non-school items I kept in my bag or locker. I can recall being separated from drawings, stories I wrote, trinkets, and manga books. As my grades slipped, she made a threat to me that I wouldn’t get these things back until I was passing. This conversation marks the moment that being pulled from classes, wasn’t normal to me anymore. Instead of me going to get help, people created “help” that forced itself on me, even if I didn’t want or need it. I became isolated, believing that I was too dumb to be in classes with on-level students. While honors students were praised for being different, I was on the low side. Nobody would praise a kid who struggles to keep her grades up. Around this time, I became emotionally distressed. I fought with myself in my head constantly. Before middle school, I attended intermediate school. The words “Kill yourself” were thrown to me during my time there, and I began to question reality. “Did they really mean it?” “Was it serious?” “Are you trying to get help when you don’t need it?” I refused to let myself reach for assistance when I needed it. That was a lesson which learning support never taught us. Instead, they made us learn “Help will come to you.” And I was patient. I waited for it. It didn’t come. The longer I waited, the more misery I felt. Self harm was what I used to cope. Lunches didn’t interest me. I would skip them. I went from that year, up until my senior year without eating lunch. People complain about it, but I wouldn’t have any room to talk. My parents and grandparents were beginning to notice a change in my behavior. I lied many times. I regret it. I want to skip my suicidal thoughts. I had them, and I wanted to do things but I was too afraid. I never went through with my thoughts. If you have suicidal thoughts, please get help. People do love you. High school was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome. I had crappy learning support teachers who treated me badly, my friends were moving on from me, and I felt anxious every day upon walking through the door. I skipped classes, lied to teachers that I was sick. I spent so much time in the nurses office, they had to ask me to stop going. I was also kicked out of the counseling office because of how often I skipped class to go there. I didn’t feel safe anywhere else. I got into three emotionally abusive relationships in high school. After the most recent one, I came out as asexual. I’m in my last year of high school, attending a technical school full time. I made friends with so many people. I see them every day, eat at lunch with them. I actually eat the food they serve. I’ve made a plan for my future this year to travel and see the beauty of the world. I’m happier. I never thought I would make it this far. It’s a miracle. And you have a miracle waiting. Don’t let it die.