hi
first of all, wishing y'all a very happy new year. i do so almost every year but this time it literally just slipped from my mind. the year's new but everything is still the same. i stopped posting a while ago and dropped lookism (for the time being ofc, i wanna pick it up again but i just don't know how) there's been a lot on my plate recently. actually a lot for me to handle. ik i always say that but it just keeps getting worse. a lot happened in '24 that i must say that it has been a long year. i started at a new place, met a lot of people, made so many memories, good and bad. I've never been very outgoing but this year i tried to be something different and it sure did cost me a lot. i now have this weird anxiety and have no clue about it. it just... happens. one moment I'm fine and chilling and the other I'm not able to breath at all. this is very weird and i still don't know what causes it. and the worst part is that it takes so much time to get back to normal. i don't have any energy or will left afterwards. i just feel so suffocated. its been like this for a while now. i feel so overwhelmed at times. i do have people, i have my Tumblr i have everything but i still feel that this burden is all mine to bear. I'm always keeping things from people and from myself and i don't know how to get better or deal with it at all. I'm so sorry but today as well, at this very moment, I'm feeling the same way. this overwhelming feeling takes over me and i don't know what to do at all. i don't even know why I'm writing it all here instead of my notes app. maybe cuz i desperately need help but at the same time i refuse to ask for it. i wish to be understood but i don't wanna explain myself. i need to be heard without speaking at all. I'm honestly so sick of myself and tbh anyone who's reading it would be sick of me too. i ask for help, i get it but i still refuse to accept it. it's all so paradoxical and confusing. i really want things but i still refuse to accept when it comes to me. or maybe i realise that I didn't want anything to begin with. but at the same time i feel that i never really get anything that i truly want. see, confusing. i don't what's happening anymore. i just wish that time stop for a while. i want to catch a breath. i need a break honestly and due to this I've been shutting myself for a while now. i don't have the energy to deal with things at all. I'm honestly so tired. but i just can't catch a break.
I'm so sorry to rant once again while not posting anything at all but i swear I'll start posting once it's all over. please bear with me T-T also, thanks a lot if someone read it all, i really appreciate your patience haha. thank y'all for always being there for me. i always feel at home here. Tumblr has always been my safe place and it's all thanks to you guys :)))
oh and btw please let me know your opinions on friends with benefits and the whole concept of casual sex. very random ik but I'd love to hear about it.
thank you so much <3 Happy New year
