it’s almost 3 am but i can’t fall asleep. not that i don’t want to but i chose not to and besides, there’s a lot of things going through my head. i am thinking about what the future holds. future, it’s hard thinking about it. but as i think about it, i ask what am i doing with my life and i think i’m honestly wasting my time. i’m 16 and i’m not getting younger as seconds pass and to think time is so precious, i’m wasting my life even if i only have one chance. i’m afraid to think that one day i’m dead and i’d start regretting things because when i am still alive i didn’t do this and that but what can i do? it’s not that you want this then you can do this and all, after all, this world is not about what things do you want to do but what things can you do. it’s sad. this world is unfair but fair as well because it’s unfair to all. i thought a lot of times that i was born to get hurt but i felt foolish, i thought that i’m the only one hurting when i was still 5 but then when i grew up, i realized that everyone is having a hard time but some of them tends to hide it through their happy masks and their positiveness. i got jealous because they are strong to do that but in time, i learned that it’s not a choice to do that but it’s a way to survive this cruel world. i open the television and see things that hurt my heart, seeing the world suffer while i sat there just watching, i want to do something but i can’t. i’m just a normal teenager, born poor but is now living the average state of life with an abnormal type of brain and a brave heart. if i was born in a much better life condition then i can better help people but with my kind of life now, i only help them in such a simple way but when their thank yous is heard, my heart flutters in sincere happiness. when i was young, i loved watching the moon and the stars with pure happiness and time hasn’t cooled down the happiness that i always feel when i look up and see those heavenly bodies that i dreamed of being an astronaut but i grew up and realize that i can’t reach that dream so i need to find another path. i hate growing up and maturing because it hurts though i stay as a child in front of others because of my childish antics, they never knew the real me because i trust no one but myself. they met the sentimental part of me at certain times but they take it as a joke and they laugh at me, telling me it’s okay when it’s not so i stopped trying to show them the real me because it’s tiring. they don’t get my trust and i don’t think anyone will fully have it when i can’t even fully trust myself because i made too many damned mistakes. my trust issues started when i was young, my parents would beat me up specially my mother, the physical torture would even went as far as bruising me but it doesn’t matter now because i can’t feel the physical pain but the lingering hurt is still there inside me, i’m bitter. my mother made me feel like i’m worth nothing. she told me i’m useless along with other people, she told me i’m ugly along with other people and they laughed at me while they humiliate me but i’m fine. when people drop painful words at me, i can handle it, i put on an expressionless facade and act like it’s nothing but when i’m inside my comfort zone which is my room, i cry. i don’t if anyone judges me, i don’t care about their words because by the end of the day, they will remain as words but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt because they kept reminding me of pain and it keeps on re-opening wounds that never heal. but even throughout my swollen eyes, hurting heart, ragged breaths, i hug my pillow that had been there for me to hug for years when i’m cold then smile bitterly but sincerely thinking that tomorrow will be different. i thought of killing myself a lot of times but i can’t because even if it’s painful, like really painful, it’s still beautiful and the future is mysterious. there are times when i’d wish that i died when i was almost dead at grade three due to dengue but sometimes, i’m also thankful that i didn’t because i learned a lot through the years. i thank Him for my life. I believe Him even though i’m rebellious, i knew He had always been there for me. ’m writing this so i don’t forget because my brain processes thoughts and then threw it to my subconscious which is inaccessible.
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