Gnome Facts!

Facts about everyone's favorite creatures, gnomes!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes can only keep you captive for so long before they leave some opening!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes may be trapped in the Gay Void.

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes cannot float!

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Gnome Fact!

Goblins aren’t real. Not anymore.

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Gnome Fact!

As we stumble into a New Year, we, like gnomes, are forced to consider the paths we have trod, the turns we have taken, and the way, far off in the forest, that we will go. For some, this can be a time of sorrow, as we look back into a year - or years - where things did not go our way, whether by our own choices or caused by the idleness of an uncaring universe. We may have lost people, pets, friends, and, worst of all, pathways - possibilities that are no longer ours to take. 2021 was a cruel year, in many ways, and the years before that were cruel, too.

Many people say that this year, like the last year, is set, that it will be just as dismal and dark as the last few.

They are wrong.

The past is writ in iron, cold and frozen, but as we step out into this new year, I urge you to remember that tomorrow is yours. The future is malleable. The steps you make are yours.

There will be bad times. Grief, sadness, loss - all those things will still be there, but there is possibility before you. There always is. It can be better, even if just a bit. It will be better - all you have to do is make it so. I ask you, today, as you step out into the world, take a breath. Take a step you want to take. Try to make things just a little bit better.

And, of course, do not get murdered by gnomes.

Happy New Year.

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes are violent!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes snore while they’re awake, because their snouts were bred away by generations of targeted inbreeding!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes have three eyes! The third’s location is a secret, and an oath.

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Gnome Fact!

All I know is fear.

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Gnome Fact!

The gnomish illiteracy rate is 74.3%!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes have only so many kidneys!

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Gnome Fact!

The bones of a gnome are hollow!

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Gnome Fact!

The number one cause of gnome death is vending machine accidents!

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Gnome Addenda!

Gnome vending machine deaths account for around twenty-thousand deaths per year. Usually, the first gnome attempts to purchase something from the machine, fails, and then proceeds to get angry and try to steal from the machine, which is a gnomish pastime.

It traditionally goes about this by shoving itself into the vending machine hole, a practice referred to as “shove-holing” by gnomes, and trying to get past the inward-opening flap. Usually, the gnome manages to get past the flap, but this is one of the first places where a gnome can get stuck and die, so around twenty percent of the time while attempting this, a gnome will just get stuck and quite often die.

The gnome, having completed getting inside the vending machine and managing to climb up to get whatever snack they were trying to get, is satisfied. However, this was the entirety of the gnome’s plan. The trapped gnome will usually panic upon realizing they are trapped, and begin to eat all the food in the vending machine, followed by slamming itself against the glass, This is universal gnomish behavior. Either this leads to the gnome managing to shatter the glass or managing to bludgeon themselves to death, either way ending the problem.

This would be deadly enough for a singular gnome, but vending machine accidents in gnomish culture tend to spiral out, as one gnome sees a gnome corpse and, tempted by its natural tendency for grave-robbing, attempts to break into the vending machine itself, going down the same path that led to the previous gnome’s death. This will repeat, over and over again, either until one gnome manages to headbutt through the glass or until a wayward vending machine technician lets them out.

Really gnarly stuff.

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes attract lice!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes sleep for sixteen hours of the day!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes fear science!

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Gnome Fact!

Gnomes have no belly buttons, as they are birthed through vomit!