Aim for my heart

I'm awkward but friendly(kinda) Not my main blog, for my main blog,check out @barney-stinson-deserved-better

[go-for-blood]

WHAT A TIME

I'm lying in my bed wide awake, replaying our conversation over and over and I can't seem to figure out what I want.You always said I was the most indecisive person you've ever met and I used to always think that was something good since it meant that we balanced each other.But now you're gone and I can still hear your voice in my head and i cant help but notice how unbalanced I feel without you here with me. And because I just can't seem to stop torturing myself, I'm listening to your favourite songs and wondering whether you're doing the same and if the lyrics remind you of me.

I gave you everything I had and I thought you were doing the same. Turns out you were.

Just not with me.

I don't hate you (I dont think I could even if I tried).But I can't bring myself to love you now either.And it doesn't help that I can still feel the ghost of your fingertips on my skin.It doesn't help that I can still feel the imprint of your hands on mine.It doesn't help that I can still feel the cold metal of your necklace on my neck; something which used to seem like an innocent gift but now seems like a noose just waiting to be tied around my throat. It seems like only yesterday that our lives were filled with uncontrollable laughter and giggles. And yes,the fights were getting worse and more often but anything is better then this.

Anything is better then you pretending not to know me when we pass each other in the hallway. Anything is better then seeing you stone faced and refusing to talk to me no matter how hard I try to get you to.Anything is better than seeing the red rims around your eyes and knowing that you haven't slept a wink either but not being able to say anything about it. Anything is better than wanting nothing more than to close the unmeasurable distance between us. Anything is better than the deafening sound of the realisation that this silence is so much more than just a one day thing.

[go-for-blood]

Purple and green hues snake and curl around my wrists preparing to end the abomination that dared to escape Her notice.The sentinels squint at me as they shackle my ankles and I watch as they tie the snipped end of the flaming red thread around my throat like a noose as they march me towards my inevitable execution.

It's no longer a closet, it's a closed casket and I've spent months begging for my body to be skinned alive and turned into ash and brimstone.

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I'm stuck in a never ending maze of faking emotions I'm afraid I'll never get to feel.

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Because he may have made my heart beat faster but you make mine stop altogether.

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I built myself up brick by brick.

But what's a little mud in the face of a raging storm?

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Promise me you won't fall in love with someone else.Promise me that our conversations won't be filled with mentions about another random girl who I've never heard of before but now can't seem to turn around without you mentioning her in everything you do.Promise me that you won't leave me here,lonely and terrified with no one to talk to.Promise me that even if we won't end up together at least you won't fall in love with someone else because that's the only thing I can't handle.

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I'll live vicariously through portraits and poems about girls who were foolish enough to give their hearts to men who wouldn't give them their time.

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I've been saying it in different ways.In the way I lend you my jacket (despite the fact that you complain about me wearing it any chance I get) when it gets cold outside.In the way I listen to a joke and remember it so I can tell it to you later because I know it'll make you laugh.In the way I always tell you to go to sleep when it gets too late because I know you need it.In the way I hear a song and immediately tell you to listen to it because it reminds me of us.In the way I always check up on you when you're sick even when you insist that you're fine.In the way I always tell you when I'm heading to the bookstore because I know you have a never ending list of books that you want me to get.In the way that I always laugh and tell you that there's no way in hell I'm going to be getting you any of them only for me to return with twice the amount of books that you asked for.In the way that I know exactly what you're trying to say when you can't seem to find the words.In the way I scoff whenever you try to do something even remotely romantic but then smile when I think you're not looking.

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Click for better quality

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...And I swore to myself that I would do everything in my power to make you smile like that once more.

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Right now I feel like a broken string of a guitar being ruthlessly torn apart against my will and I have a list of songs that I can't listen to because of you.

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You're the only one I want when everything feels like it's going to collapse.

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You said that you couldn't handle it anymore.You said that you couldn't handle my need for constant reassurance that you still wanted something to do with me.You said that you couldn't handle being with someone who was so needy all the time.You said that you couldn't handle me anymore.

I think what you really meant to say was that you didn't want to handle me anymore.

But I never asked you to.I never asked you to handle me.I never asked you to fix me.I never asked you to hold the weight of my issues on your bare shoulders.All I asked was for you to hold my hand through it all.But now you're gone and everything feels like it's going to collapse.

Because I'm weak.

Becasue I can't do this alone no matter how much I want to.

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I've read every single part of our conversations to the point where I've memorised every syllable,every word,every reply in my head and I wonder if you do the same too?

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I hate that I can fill an entire book about you whereas you probably wouldn't be able to get an entire sentence out about me.

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L(over)

We're yelling until our voices are hoarse and at this point I'm not even sure what we're arguing about.

And then you whisper ever so silently that I'm almost sure that I've imagined it (except of course I haven't because I've conditioned myself to observing your every move by this point.),'Don’t you love me anymore?' and a little part of me just breaks inside.

[go-for-blood]

Love isn't about finding that one person who's the reason for your existence .It's about finding that one person who's the reason for your living.