i just want to be pampered. i want just a day where i donāt have to do anything for myself or anyone.
changing $, ordering my own dinner, etc
i just want to be a princess for 1 day

if i look back, i am lost
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@go-negirl
i just want to be pampered. i want just a day where i donāt have to do anything for myself or anyone.
changing $, ordering my own dinner, etc
i just want to be a princess for 1 day
stuck in a loop of negativity
itās back. iām constantly frustrating, infuriating and angering.
trying to recall what changed in the past 2 weeks, had a good few months and i could not keep it that way
iām losing my memory- it always feels as if i understood something wrongly, or that the decisions were jointly made (to which iāve been told that it only seems that way but someone had to compromise. which i donāt deny but i thought it was understood but i donāt think i make people feel secure)
i feel blessed because this would have been a lot different if we werenāt together. so thank you for making this logical decision for my mom. and iām sorry that i didnāt sit down, talk to you, made sure you were really okay before everything moved too quickly.
itās a lot of pressure. and to be honest, i keep thinking that itād be a lot easier if iām not around. i donāt feel a strong desire to hurt myself, but i do wish iām not alive.
i understand, iām revolting
hurtful
My new favorite thing is the moon in the morning.Ā
my headspace is a bad place to be in. but i think itās finally time i start working on me. on us.
i think i did a good job redirecting my self-depreciating thoughts today. instead of constantly asking myself āwhy nothing changed after the conversation yesterday?ā or justifying the reasons that you still let it happen. or questioning if itās even happening.
i told myself that i have to fix me to fix us and let nature run its course. if iāve learned a thing (oops, two things! about being controlling is that itāll only get worse so fix the root problem that is me.
sigh i hope iām not gaslighting myself.
itās okay - i took the step. iām working on fixing myself.
do you ever regret choosing me?
itās my fault
it all points back to my changing. iāve been told iāve changed so much since the chase. i know. iām aware.
i try, or think to be lovey. but so many times the day ends in an argument/silent war/frustration. i feel like iāve done nothing right. but i can only blame myself, because iāve changed too much.
stuck in a chicken-and-egg situation. iām trying to resolve one thing but i canāt get over the emotional barrier.
oh no. i need to salvage this.
/// // sigh
tfw youāve planted a full garden but you missed out a couple of seeds. and all they noticed is the flaws but donāt appreciate you for the glory.
tired.
thoughts
iām thinking of reviving and revamping my Tumblr
we donāt live for ourselves.
thereās really no point being alive - if not for family, for people you love, for a child or pet in the future.
my life is a service unto others and iāll be forever enslaved to the social constructs of life.
iām tired and i want to //