- go to the Pheniox zoo (it’s hot, expensive and full of desert animals)
- go to the Grand Canyon, take a couple photos and leave before you get sunburnt
- go salt river tubing, try not to drown and try not to get sunburnt (difficulty: hard)
- go to the lake and try not to get sunburnt (difficultly: hard)
- go golfing and try not to get sunburnt (difficultly: easy)
- do pickleball once and never again
- go to the Tempe mall
- go to the chandler mall and wish you were at the Tempe mall
- go to the aquarium (it’s expensive and it’s full of fish)
- go to the butterfly exhibit (it’s expensive and full of bugs)
- go to magic mountain (it’s in California but shhhhh it’s fun) try not to get sunburnt: level medium
- go bowling
- go mini golfing (try not to get sunburnt: level easy)
-go to the baseball game because the diamondbacks rule
- feel shame about the Arizona cardinals (football)
- watch funding be taken out of the coyotes hockey team
- watch the Pheniox suns basketball team they’re pretty good I think
-go ice skating
-go roller blading
- get snow cones
- get ice cream
-get Italian ice
- get dippin dots
- get milk shakes
- get icees from gas station
- I can keep going we really value our cold stuff
- throw up because it’s so freaking hot out side
- walk to the library and do absolutely nothing (with friends)
- drink.
- trampoline park
- go to the wave pool
- leave the wave pool that smells like piss
- go to Waffle House at 3am
- go to Dutch bros at 3am (in Pheniox)
- go through the Filiberto’s drive through at 3am
- shooting range (RAHH free country)
- legalized marijuana is here (Poggers) (stay hydrated it’s hot as hell here)
- did I mention it’s freaking hot here?
- achievement unlocked: monsoon season (aka 1 inch of rain)
- achievement unlocked: snowbird season (aka a bunch of old people live here now)
- almost die on the 101 freeway
- sit in 101 freeway traffic for half an hour going 20 mph
- eat everything but especially carne asada street tacos and reexperince joy
- have an Arizona iced tea in Arizona
- see prickly pear versions of everything
- did I mention it’s hot as balls? Don’t die. Don’t die of dehydration. It’s so hot. Everyone carry’s around hydroflasks and Stanley’s or whatever is trendy but just drink water. Drink it out of a BORG for all I care. Drink water PLEASE.
- watch your pretty little city be ruined my capitalism and urbanization.
-cry.
- apply sunscreen again.
- eat pizza
- go to back east bagels in Tempe just trust me bro
- hold your breath driving through the tunnel (if you know you know)
- watch out for the people who work labor jobs outside, your mailmen and your mechanics
-don’t get stung by a scorpion
-its hot
SEASONAL ELLISODES:
- carve a Halloween pumpkin, havelina (desert pig) eats it on your front doorstep
- have a warm Christmas every Christmas, there’s no white or green, just brown and rocks and Christmas lights cover our palm trees
- spring is just yellow pollen everywhere
This was a funny tangent because I realize the girls live in eternal nuclear winter
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
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