You might wonder where i’ve been, and why i don’t post to this blog anymore. The cut and dry of it is that i just don’t like the feelings that come with it. It’s complicated. Most people see this as a positive thing. It’s hard to get the few i’ve hurt out of my head. I will always hurt at least someone and that hurts me too, or at least, my feelings. Everyone i have ever hurt with this blog has also been trans, that is the OPPOSITE of what i wanted. I don’t want to be the big bad cis person saying that trans issues hurt my feelings when i am not trans myself, but please, pleasepleasePLEASE, try to look at it empathetically even if i am cis.
It does hurt my feelings to be automatically assumed a creep, or perverted, or gross. when people say i can’t love someone due to the overwhelmingly negative actions of other stupid cis women just like me it does hurt, even if it's only my emotions. I understand it’s reasonable to be skeptical of a cis woman being interested in trans women, it’s literally a common joke that being abused by a cis woman is a canon event for trans people. I do not want to defend abusers. It just makes me feel awful being treated as a potential threat.
That is a PAINFULLY easy question to answer. Because i have a very low self esteem and it hurts my feelings, thus validating my own self hatred. i cope with humor because it's a way to wrap that self hatred back around into being charismatic. because people don't like self deprecating humor, you need to dance around the self hatred. you can't speak a word of it or else you come off as an edgy cunt and lose any respect you might have had before opening your mouth.
When i first heard the word “chaser,” i had NO IDEA it wasn’t the proper term, back then i used it completely innocently. It was first said to me because i described my sexuality as being into trans women and i was like, okay, cool, there’s a word for me, that’s awesome. I felt seen. When i started using tumblr, i didn’t even know any sexuality terms beyond your usual and a few other less common ones like pansexual because sometimes those terms are used in official documents like the paper the doctor hands you before you go in. Since starting to use tumblr, i’ve learned a lot, but i still don’t know one that describes myself. I am not well versed in LGBT vocabulary enough to create a term of my own in good consciousness because i am about the farthest from an expert as one can get. You don’t tend to hear these terms that much offline and i live under a rock.
I don’t use the social aspects of the internet much. Isolation is a hallmark of schizophrenia. My sister told me to use tumblr. It’s in my first post i ever made, “i heard a lot of tgirls use tumblr.” my sister told me, she’s trans, she uses tumblr herself so i considered her an expert on the matter. She knows i like trans girls, but also that i’m deeply lonely. I cannot escape my head, nor can i fix it either.
this being said, i recognize that chaser is something i cannot reclaim, because it is not a slur. It is an uncomfortable truth for those that hurt others. i have hurt others.
I can’t keep defending my sexuality if it’ll always be treated like a fetish. there will always be people that i care about that are hurt by the thought of me liking them. It’s okay, it’s understandable. whenever i post i worry about coming off as a creep too, just like any other c4t poster coming from a cis person.
Sexuality is a very nebulous thing. if you ask a lesbian why she likes girls, it’s gonna be hard to pinpoint a specific reason as to why. Why do i like trans girls? Good question. Why does anyone find anything attractive? The cut and dry of it is that I just think they’re cute and nice and it makes me happy to imagine being wives in a happy, loving relationship that comes with everything about one half of that being a trans girl.
I just don’t like posting here. It’s common knowledge that i don’t respond to my dm’s often, the reason why is because people ask a lot of questions. They’re mean to me. They assume i’m a creep. Maybe i am. I don’t know. Anyone who likes anyone is capable of being a creep. to some i am creepy. This blog is dead, let it die
