I Lost a Dear Friend.
Two days ago, I decided that I deserved more than to be ignored by a “friend”. That I shouldn’t have to beg someone to hang out with me, and that we just weren’t compatible as friends. I deserved more than I was getting. A friendship cannot thrive if you do not communicate. I was not faultless AT ALL. Like I said, we weren’t compatible.. I wished them well, and after posting something on social media that they both assumed was about them (it wasn’t) one of them posted a status about me where their family decided to make homophobic remarks, make up blatant lies about me, and even came clean about my so called “friend” taking pictures of my home that I PAID her to clean, that she then went around and showed to her family and made fun of me. I was in a deep depression, and I couldn’t bring myself to clean. It was 4 months after a failed suicide attempt, and I still wasn’t fully out of it. I paid this “friend” 400$ to clean my 900 sq ft apartment. I over paid her because I knew at the time, that she wasn’t working and needed the money. We decided on a day I would pay her and she was paid a week after the settled upon date because I was in the hospital with megalocardia (an enlarged heart). I got shit for that too, because I couldn’t get them the money while I was admitted in the hospital. Their justification? “My phone bill is due”. This friendship ended because I had discussed with my friend that when she ignores my messages for days on end, it triggers my anxiety because I think I did something wrong. I made a status on Facebook stating that “being ignored is my biggest pet peeve because my anxiety goes crazy”.
That status was enough to get her to finally message me back after nine messages and one and a half days later, just to tell me how mad she was that I said that. I told her that we had talked so much about it before and the mental effect it has on me, and we both apologized and that same night she went right back to it. This time making sure to read every message I sent, and just not replying. The next day is when all of that happened. I found out the person I trusted, confided in, and felt like I could be myself 10000% with was telling lies behind my back, and sharing pictures of my home that showed me at my most vulnerable. I found out that I was actually being judged by someone who promised to never judge me. I was the one person in her life that tried to push her to be better, and was there a million percent. Yet, she called me an abuser because I asked to not be ignored. I was called toxic because I tried to tell her that I deserved to know if she was going to stand up the plans we made a week in advance. I was called manipulative because I thought I deserved what any human deserves, and that is respect. Her sister was messaging people RANDOMLY on my Facebook friends list that she knew I was close with, literally telling them how I am “manipulative” and “toxic” and that she just wanted to let them know, and that they didn’t do anything wrong at all. All unprovoked. I got 9 messages from people telling me that she randomly messaged them out of no where. Their responses were all the same “yes, because that makes you look so innocent. Randomly messaging people trying to convince them that someone else is the toxic one.” In all of this there were three very hard things that I had to accept. One, this person I trusted to come into my home at my most vulnerable, snuck pictures behind my back maliciously to show people. Two, these are not the people I thought I knew for ten plus years. Three, all that matters to these people is how they look to their social media friends. She lied to her family and told them it took me 6 months to pay her for my apartment. Never happened. She told people I would belittle and berate her. Never happened. She told people I took advantage of her. Never happened. How can you take advantage of someone who has nothing? I paid for every meal we had when she would come over. I would give her whatever she needed, IE laptop for school. She wanted a smart watch, I gave her one. She needed a new phone, I gave her my old pixel.
Out of all of this, how am I the one who took advantage, belittled, or whatever else? At the beginning of this I said I was not without fault. I stand by that. When she would tell me she was busy dealing with something I would ask her “is everything okay?” Or I would get concerned instead of leaving her alone. I am wrong in that. It all came from a place of concern though. I worried about my friend who struggled with the same demons I did. I worried about my friend who also struggles with suicidal thoughts, and who lives in a very toxic home environment (her words). The friendship ending was both of our faults, but during the process I learned what a monster this “friend” actually was. Cold, calculated, and wicked. Taking snapshots of my vulnerability, and dragging the one person who pushed her to be the person she wanted to be through the dirt to anyone who would listen.
My lesson is learned, and I will never allow this to happen to me again. I was the part of the reason the friendship ended, she was the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Before anyone says anything, this friend knows I am diagnosed DID, PTSD, Severe manic depressive, and have childhood trauma. This wasn’t a simple “please respect my anxiety” she knew what she was doing was playing into these ailments, and she just didn’t care.
