I’m still hurting and I think I will be for the rest of my life.
On Monday February 27th 2017 at 10.55am I lost my Grandma to Cancer.
I was there when she passed and I still wouldn’t have had it any other way. She was surrounded by family and love, she was comfortable and at peace and we couldn’t have given her a nicer passing (if you can say that).
On Monday 30th January she made her decision to not longer undertake chemotherapy due to the fact that it would have only given her a few more months and chemo would have probably knocked her off her feet. She was given anything from 2 weeks - 3 months to live. At this stage walking was starting to get uncomfortable so my mum and auntie introduced a wheelchair when going out. 3 weeks passed and she was slowly deteriorating. Her final week week came and within the space of 5 days she went from walking with support, to being bed bound, unable to breathe comfortably without oxygen and being unable to talk.
Whilst all of this was happening at home I was in rehearsals for my second term show of third year at East15 Acting School, not fully aware of how critical she had suddenly got. On Saturday 25th my mum and my best friend came to see my show. My best friend stayed and my mum got collected by my Auntie and was taken back to my Grandma (my mum and other family members were basically my Grandma’s carers weeks before and up until she passed).
On Sunday I woke up and asked my best friend if she would drive me home with her. When I got to my Grandma’s I really hadn’t prepared myself for what I was about to walk into. Grandma’s was always such a warm, welcoming and cheery place. It was still warm and somewhat welcoming, but as I walked into her living room to her see her helplessly lying in her bed unable to talk to us was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. I can’t tell you how much I wanted her to be able to talk to us, I had spoken to her on the phone only a few days before.
For the remainder of that Sunday I just sat next to her, held her hand, spoke to her, stayed with her. My instinct was to not leave her, I didn’t want to.
Monday morning came and her breathing had gotten even shallower. We all knew the time was coming. She was slowly starting to go cold from her feet/hands upwards as well as that horrible blue colour starting to flood into her skin. The carers came and mum told them that she didn’t think we’d be needing them that morning.
Abit of lightness to the situation was auntie making a funky cup of tea consisting of a peppermint teabag with milk instead a normal pg tips.
The inevitable time was thundering closer, everyone was sat around her. I was sat behind mum who was at Grandma’s head. I was looking out of the window and the weather decided to rain, just as mum had said she’d passed the skies cleared and birds sang.
Its only been 2 months and I am still hurting as if it were yesterday. It still hasn’t sunk in that she isn’t actually here anymore and I can’t go round for a cuppa anymore or ring her up about a baking or sewing inquiry. She is the first person I have witnessed losing and I can honestly say its the hardest thing I have ever done. I know we all lose loved ones and everyone grieves differently. I had no idea how i’d react and I feel like as time goes on i’m grieving harder. People say you will never truly get over it, but surely it should get easier? Don’t get me wrong I don’t sit here crying 24/7 as for one I know she’d hate that and secondly it achieves nothing.
All that’s left to say is, if you’ve actually bothered to read this then thank you, I mainly splurged all of this out for my own benefit as needed a release and Grandma, I love and miss you so much, hope we’re making you proud, keep shining bright down there <3 xxxx
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