𝐅𝐓. 𝐀𝐒𝐇 !
“it is idiotic to care about people because people fucking SUCK,” she corrects, a frown on her face. a million familiar lines, a petulant persistent dismay at everything the world has to offer her. people were boring, people wasted their time pretending they were better than reality and in the end… ash knew better than anyone that people ALWAYS let you down. she should know, she was able to let down literally everyone in her life. everyone except for isaac. she was a catalyst and whatever she did she seemed to trigger a set of reactions that went like dominoes until her mother was crying about her reputation like one of those housewives who thought sadness was an illness and having a baby as a teenager was enough to make the planet combust. “you’re just too delusional to know that yet, maybe it’s the power of christ,” she dismisses him with an eye roll.
it’s not that she isn’t listening and doesn’t think it’s relevant that eddie isn’t the arsonist, she may be a bad person, a selfish person and someone entirely absorbed by her own narration but she does know right from wrong. maybe reggie thinks that she’s so horrible that she doesn’t understand his point but it’s him who doesn’t understand hers. what was the point of him going around telling everyone eddie wasn’t the arsonist when he didn’t do one useful thing about his suspicions?
“yeah, i get it, i’m a TERRIBLE person and you, kind little reggie, take time out of your precious day saving the world to TOLERATE me. thanks so much,” the words dripping with sarcasm, her eyes narrowed. she had always known that was how he truly felt about her and now all the things she had been thinking earlier were diminished, dismissed, the strange unsettling connection she thought they were building DESTROYED. “all i’m trying to say is that you didn’t actually do anything useful. you just ran your mouth. you didn’t open your door, you didn’t let poor little foster kid eddie crash at your place or convince the parishioners of darkwood to give him a second chance. if you thought he was innocent then you could of done something other than incite some psychotic person to start burning down the rest of the town, reggie.”
defences are up, walls rebuilt to the very top. irrationality, “no. she doesn’t know anything about this and she doesn’t have to. not her and not chance. okay?”
𝙷𝙴 𝙷𝙰𝙳 𝙳𝙴𝙰𝙻𝚃 𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙷 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙼𝙾𝚂𝚃 𝙼𝙴𝚁𝙲𝚄𝚁𝙸𝙰𝙻 , 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙼𝙾𝚂𝚃 𝚂𝚃𝚄𝙱𝙱𝙾𝚁𝙽 , 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙼𝙾𝚂𝚃 𝙸𝙽𝙲𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚂𝙲𝙴𝙽𝚃 𝙾𝙵 𝙿𝙴𝙾𝙿𝙻𝙴 , but she had always been another on another playing field — always presenting a new challenge , always pulling him back down to the ground whenever he would get too quixotic for anyone’s good . his patience never seemed to ran thin with her , their lives too intertwined and reggie knew he couldn’t live without her at this point . and maybe , he didn’t know whether that was a good thing . maybe , he was DELUSIONAL in thinking that he could soften her hardened heart , in thinking that she could see anything other than how she wanted to see them . they were both stubborn , PRIDEFUL , but maybe , it was time for one of them to lose — and he would rather it be him .
he was also EXHAUSTED , FRIGHTENED , CONFUSED , LOST , the mask he wore — that everlasting smile , meant to provide comfort and security — finally WAVERING at every word that spilled from her lips . he had always tried his best to care for people , always put his own problems on the back burner while everyone else’s piled up on him because he couldn’t stop himself from getting involved . and maybe ash was right , that he didn’t do enough to help eddie and that he only made things worse . he didn’t speak until she was done , only recited a prayer in his head as she continued to spew dismissals and blame — god , grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change , courage to change the things i can , and wisdom to know the difference . what was there to say out loud ? too many things . he could argue , defend himself , list all the good he had done but none of it would make a difference because it was ash .
❛ YEAH , OKAY , ❜ he spoke timidly , resigned . ❛ i don’t know how much longer i can do this — you only hearing what you want to hear , only seeing what you want to see ... ❜ his words were low , LIFELESS , uncertain whether they would matter at all , and maybe he was only rambling at this point because it was easier to deal with than silence and the inevitability of one of them walking away . ❛ you can be terrible . intolerable . SELFISH , all of those are true . but how is it hard to understand that despite all of that , you make me feel ALIVE ? that maybe i don’t just tolerate you , that maybe i actually LIKE being around you ? ❜ his expression subtly shifted from one of defeat to devastation , as if hearing his own words out loud led him to a realization . ❛ and i don’t think it’s right because all you’ve done is make me feel TERRIBLE . you’re right that i should have done more about eddie’s situation , but i’m not going to take BLAME for an arsonist’s action . that’s on them . and i’m not going to take some masochistic delight in you telling me that i’m to blame for something i did NOT know would happen . i’m DONE with that . ❜
never had he felt more uncomfortable in his life , unfamiliar with how to navigate his emotions after an outburst that might just ruin his relationship with ash , whatever that was . ❛ so , what now ? you clearly don’t need me since i just make things worse and you don’t want pari’s help . in fact , you don’t want anyone’s help . it’s always YOUR WAY OR NO WAY , isn’t it ? ❜
