interests ; the passenger, american horror story, ethel cain, nicole dollanganger, hozier , literature , themes of perversion and sado-masochism . the grotesque . boys .
this is just a sideblog for me to repost things i am interested in and perhaps interact with some people . very new to tumblr, be gentle with me .
another thing . . how come no one ever talks about the scene where randy starts talking about his trauma . he begins by talking about mrs beard, how great she is , how much he loved her — and even if Benson is out of frame , you can tell he is tense .
'cause he thinks he's about to hear something that'll make him sick to his stomach all over again, that he'll have to accept that randy is more like him that he'd ever want him to be or admit he is .
and i do think that benson's outburst of a laugh is partly just relief && a sort of ingrained reaction to every single time anything reminds him of his own abuse . he can't handle it, so he emotes excessively — whether that is with a violent outburst or laughter .
there isn't enough talk about the burger scene and the possibilities of it .
after the shooting, the entire place smells like iron , the air is thick with the heat expelling from bodies . it's pressing — no air conditioner in sight , the grills already turned on to preheat, friers already making the oil gurgle .
randy feels sick from that already , but the taste of rot lingers in his mouth and clings to the backs of his teeth like a velvety, fuzzy blanket . no matter how often his tongue dances across the same spots, it always feels like there is something stuck there, still .
the sickness builds slow , and before he knows it — before Benson even gets to raise his hand to count up to ten — he can feel himself gagging, wretching . an instant burn at the back of his throat, a wash of acid , but nothing wants to come out .
when randy does move, it's not towards benson but rather the bathroom . he's stumbling like an ill deer , swaying on his feet , trembling hand with the crescent shaped marks of his nails clutched across his mouth .
benson understands the sickness , understands what randy just saw — but he's pumped up on adrenaline and the high of a predator so when randy seemingly runs , he follows. slots himself into that small employee's bathroom with him . watches him gag three , four times and get out nothing but spit and snot and salty tears . randy is white knuckling the toilet like his life depends on it, forehead shiny with sweat.
there is no hair to hold back, but benson fits his palm against that patch of skin and brushes back those mousy blond strands , tries to soothe him with the repetitive circling of his thumb .
after the tenth gag and nothing coming out, randy not moving but only whimpering like an abused thing , he finally cups him underneath his jaw . pries his mouth wide open with the other hand — feeling his teeth first, the wet wriggle of his tongue — before he plunges digits further inside . the boy writhes like an eel, claws those nails into his wrist and benson thinks the next thing he's gotta do is declaw him .
first, though . . he is pumping those fingers into his mouth in terribly slow strokes , pressing against the back of his throat until the wretching becomes more violent , full body ripples that make randy curl together and over the bowl .
good boy, good boy ,
when he finally manages to get it out , bent over like a devotee and still connected to benson's fingertips with a string of spit .
ftm benson with a sizeable tdick because he's been on it for lonng and just got lucky . hair all down his thighs and up his belly, so clearly visible when his shirt rides up a little . every time he gets his shot he gets unbearbly turned on , makes randy suck on his dick real slow until he's throbbing against his tongue and leaking all over his mouth .
tdick big enough to press up against randy's hole and rub the tip against it, maybe even press in jussst a little . tboy benson that always gets worked up after showers and has to rut against something for a little while . tboy benson that gets so wet that the first time randy peels his sticky boxers away from his dick his eyes almost fall out of his head. tboy benson that love, love loves frotting their cocks together and getting them all sticky wet .
some people will disagree with this most likely, but i also write benson as someone with alcohol problems . as someone that's seen the movie 16 times and studied his living space over and over, the beer bottles might just be THERE but i would like to believe that nothing in movies means nothing .
im not saying benson drinks himself black out drunk, but i'm saying that 3-4 beers a day still count as alcoholism and that he struggles with it . brushes it off as work stress, as something to help him relax, help him sleep .
i'm not romanticizing it, i'm stating this as something that is a fact for how I, myself, portray him when writing him . :)
you will find that i am a great supporter of realism and realistic coping in my writings and that i have a knack for the gross and grotesque . yes , benson is hot, but i refuse to portray him as flawless or uncomplicated . he isn't .
he's a grown man with suicidal ideation, clear problems with alcohol and temper, low libido and most likely an ED from both the trauma and the alcohol, eats like shit and most of the time he's just a weird little bitch . and i love him! but i don't have to make him easily digestable to love him .
some people will disagree with this most likely, but i also write benson as someone with alcohol problems . as someone that's seen the movie 16 times and studied his living space over and over, the beer bottles might just be THERE but i would like to believe that nothing in movies means nothing .
im not saying benson drinks himself black out drunk, but i'm saying that 3-4 beers a day still count as alcoholism and that he struggles with it . brushes it off as work stress, as something to help him relax, help him sleep .
i'm not romanticizing it, i'm stating this as something that is a fact for how I, myself, portray him when writing him . :)
what other ethel cain lyrics do you associate with ranson ? i'm not talking generic thoroughfare , but standalone lines or tiny little snippets that always make you think of them . :)
okay sooooo i tried to not pick ones that are obv (western nights, thoroughfare, waco texas, etc) so a lot of these r from unreleased if thats okay 😭
(also theres so many im sorry theres so many more too)
I'm not like you are, but I wish I could be, you say, "Listen to me, just be mean, mean"
Thinking you're next, but America beat you in line. Scared you'll end up like your daddy, high strung from his neck, begging his reflection for more time
i was wrong, when i met you, about who i thought would save who
hid your face, said "idon't wanna play" but you were born game
When you hold it, if it cries, you should let it go I'm trying hard, so baby, please don't sink in me with your dog teeth. don't be naive to the one good thing you know
You're too young, and you cry 'til you're soaking wet, you're not your father, but you wear his clothes to bed, goin over something he said
Fire in my eyes, i just stand here and bleed, crying in your arms, baby, can't we just leave? Everyone's watching us and I can't breathe
its almost sick the way you snuck your way inside me, spreading like a fever till u take over everything i am, but let the fever burn my healths been fading anyways, right from the day i met u babe
ill find everyone who hurt you bad, and cave their fucking brains with a baseball bat. Just do it, 'cause know you'd never ask
l'd tell you if you promise you won't get mad. when mothers shake their babies, so their babies will sleep, is that what's to become of you and me? Is that who we're becoming in this heat?
You don't know the things I've seen, So let go of the woe and hand it back over to me, You missed the heart and you just hit all the meat, And the bite back's twice as mean
I'm gonna regret you, until the day that I die. Givin' me something to lose, into the life in your eyes
And you hide the nails in all the love that we make, you suffocate me, baby, and can't bear the weight. are you gonna make me dig my own grave?
i wonder why I'm alone, you say it's something wrong with me. i get so sick from the touch What'd ever do to make him that fucking angry? i care, but never enough. How much is enough? How much do you want?
randy's in the passenger seat and trying hard to seem cool, 'cause this is the first time his coworkers asked him to do anything with him that isn't drive around and grab food . the air in the car is thick with smoke , even if the window is rolled down . benson still smells like hot grease and sweat, arms bare with his tank and his eyes occupied with the screen .
randy's eyes keep flickering down to those arms and the bit of pit hair he can see , the sliver of skin leading down to his ribs and feels his throat clog up .
there's some slasher flick playing and randy can't stand to look at it, really, or maybe he uses that as an excuse to keep looking at benson .
at some point the older one turns to him, cocks his brows and asks if he's scared . randy says no,no i'm not .
benson doesn't believe him one bit, reaches his arm out and curls it around his shoulders . pulls him close against his side , and randy stiffens up for a second before he relaxes into the hold of it .
he keeps watching the movie , at least for a little . at least until benson says your starin' ain't subtle, by the way . randy goes as red as a tomato and tries to stutter his way out of it immediately, but benson just turns to face him and offers a grin thats some sort of mean and a little sharp and he knows he can't possibly talk his way out of it .
ya, but i don't want to see any booty shorts and striped thigh highs . randy might be a loser, but not that much.
i want him in flowy skirts and embroidered blouses, converse with long laces tied up his legs . flannels and jean shorts, cute print tees . i want him in bloomers and white ruffly tube tops to show off the freckles on his shoulders . i want him in nothing but bensons shirts, thighs smooth to to the touch and undies just barely peaking out underneath .
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