About 7 years ago, during my sophomore year of high school, I could have died. I was depressed, suicidal, and felt as thought I was abandoned by the world. I hated myself, my appearance, me existence. I wouldn't eat because I thought “If only I could look like that...someone would love me.” I didn’t believe there was such a thing as love even though my parents kept telling me God loves me and they love me.
About 7 years ago I saw an opportunity to die. I was at Westmore High School in SF, sitting at the top of bleachers without railings (btw hecka dumb that they didn’t have any). I was high enough above some vertical poles where if I jumped there was the possibility of impaling myself, or at least injuring myself pretty badly. But I didn’t. Someone shocked me back to reality and I cried. But still I depression hung close. I thought about pain killers, hanging myself, cutting, stabbing myself, jumping, electrocuting myself...you name it, I thought about it. There were times I would get close, but would be interrupted by someone coming home, the phone ringing, a text from a friend. By God's grace and his (at the time) annoying way of interfering with my life, I didn’t kill myself.
Senior year finally ended and I said enough. I’m tired of the numbness, the pain, the sorrow. I need something else to relieve this pain. Going into college I committed to understanding who God is. I grew up with God, but lost sight of him when I sought after the world. It was almost 5 years ago that I found my relationship with God for myself. Not because of my parents or friends or pressure. I finally wanted to find God and He found me. He wrapped his arms around me and told my heart it is loved unconditionally. My failures, my short comings, my weaknesses, my past, present, and future...He loved them all.
Through all of the pain and sadness that have almost consumed me countless times, I'm still standing strong. Through fighting with a close friend, to my first true heartbreak, to the death of my best friend, to the pressures of school, God pulled me through. So if God is a crutch then hecks yeh I need him. A broken person like me cannot walk without him. He’s fixing my slowly, revealing himself unrelentingly, loving me unconditionally. The journey has been tough and filled with memories that still haunt me to this day, but I wouldn't trade any of it for any other life.
Praise God for the life he has given me! Praise God for getting in the way! Praise God for every breath I have breathed since the day he saved me. Praise God for 7 more years to smile, laugh, love, and learn. I don’t know how many more years I have to go or how painful it will be, but I’ll love every moment till the day I see my Father in Heaven!
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