Hello and welcome to goldentargs' masterlist! But you can call me SJ
At the minute I mostly write for A knight of the seven kingdoms - however that might change in the future!
Disclaimer : I do not use AI. What I write might be garbage but it is MY garbage. I do not want my works put into any form of AI bot.
Baelor Targaryen
Act and Affections (on-going series, romance, angst)
I. Something
II. The future
III. A good knight
IV. Haunted
V. Nothing
VI. Rest
V.II No easy solution
VIII. Wait
Trying new things (smut) [modern!baelor] [18+]
On paper (smut) [modern!baelor] [18+]
Aerion Targaryen
A study of understanding (series, romance, fluff, angst):
I. Dragons and Ambitions
II. Gardens and Dungeons
III. Combat and Wine
IV. Companions and Understandings
V.Long awaited words
VI. Moments and Tenderness
VII. Mothers and Fathers
VIII. Too low
IX. Punishments and Mercy
X.Broken deals and New promises
Summary: After meeting each other again, what was supposed to be a one night stand becomes much more. Their connection leaving both of them obsessed with the other. However, when the Targaryen corporation holds a gala - real life starts to seep in to their perfect bubble. Making them wonder if it matters that they do not quite make sense on paper.
Warnings: 18+, MDNI, SMUT, oral (m!receiving),fingering (with rings ON), biting, unprotected p in v, creampie, possessiveness, jealousy, some insecurity, quickie, office sex, no descriptions of reader except that she has female anatomy, no use of y/n, praise kink, age gap relationship (reader! is in her mid-twenties, Baelor in his mid-forties), porn WITH plot (let me know if I need to add something)
Word count: 7 k
Notes: This is a part 2 to this story: Trying new things . It could be read as a stand-alone if you do not mind getting a little confused during some parts. These two are absolutely obsessed with each other which makes me obsessed with them. Once again, apologies beforehand if the smut scenes are completely unreadable - this is only my second time diving into writing smut. English is not my first language. I do not own any characters or pictures - SJ
As we enter my apartment I try to ignore my heart pounding in my chest and the way my fingers tremble as I turn the key. It is strange how I was this nervous. I had already been with Baelor. Him simply stepping into my apartment was not a big step. But it felt like it was. Besides, it was not just that. It was not just him stepping into my small apartment clustered with books and trinkets. It was knowing who he was. The picture of him had become more clear. And unfortunately it was a picture that I liked. I liked it a lot.
“I’ll put the kettle on” I say and move to the kitchen, which to be fair is only separated from the living room and hallway with a kitchen island.
“So, this is your apartment," Baelor says, his voice smooth and low. When I glance his way I can see him looking at my bookshelf - and I curse at myself because I realize it had been ages since I had dusted it.
“Yes, this is my apartment” and then my thoughts drift back to his so-called apartment. “Although compared to yours, this is more of a storage closet” He laughs at that and walks up to me, standing by my side at the kitchen counter while still keeping a small distance from me.
“It is more than that. It is very you” This makes me turn to him with an eyebrow raised.
“Dusty shelves and a kitchen in need of a renovation?”
“No. It is warm and honest.” He flashes his smile at me and my breath hitches slightly in my throat.
“Is that what I am?”
“Yes. I think so”
Then silence falls between us. The only sound coming from the electric kettle as I pull out my box of assorted teas. The silence with Baelor was just as easy and comfortable as conversation with him. Other people’s silence made me overthink and nervously blurt out something to fill the quiet. His silence did not.
“So, I gather that you did not tell Kiera my name?” He says and breaks the silence.
“No,” I say and take out two mugs, trying to see if I had any that even slightly matched each other - I did not. All of my mugs were different and came from various thrift shops as well as museum gift shops. “I didn’t tell her much of that night.”
In the corner of my eye I see his grin widen across his face. “You obviously told her something.” My face flushes red at that.
“I will kill Kiera”
“You keep saying that and I might have to tip off the police” That pulls out an unexpectedly loud laugh from me.
While I wait for the water to boil I inch myself closer to him. My gaze being on his hand that he had placed on the kitchen counter. “For what it's worth,” my voice coming out quiet. “I did mean what I told her”
He does not respond at once and despite my nerves screaming at me to blurt out an excuse, I do not. Instead I look up at him, his smile is gone and instead his eyes are looking at me with a darker gaze than he had earlier during the night.
“Is that so?” he asks, his voice matching my quiet one. I only nod at first. Then the drinks from earlier during the night causes me to be bold.
“That night is all I’ve been able to think about these past weeks” I hear him do a sharp inhale at my words. My eyes meet his as I let my hand come up next to his hand, waiting to see if he will breach the distance.
He does. He puts his hand over mine, letting his thumb start moving in small circles on the back of my hand. “Then I am glad that I am not the only one haunted by that night”
“Haunted is it?” My voice comes out smooth as I step even closer, smelling his cologne and smelling him again - sweet yet earthy. I already felt how wetness started to pool between my legs.
“Yes.” He lets his free hand come up and tuck a strand of loose hair away from my face, then he lets his hand stay on my cheek. “I kept thinking of how I let something - someone - so wonderful slip through my fingers. Kept thinking that I’d never see you again. Kept thinking about what I’d do if I did.”
I feel his breath on me, yet neither of us leans in the last few centimeters. Instead we stay there, the warmth of our bodies meeting between us and only adding to the thick and heavy tension.
“And what would you do then” the whisper lands in the space between us - and then he removes it. He crashes his lips on mine, the hand that was on my cheek is now in my hair, the hand on the counter goes to my waist - pulling me flush against him. The moan that falls against his lips is not something I can control. Not after two months of wanting. Not after two months of trying to forget him. Not after two months of touching myself at the mere thought of him.
After minutes, or hours for I could not tell you, we break the kiss with both of us breathing desperate breaths. He leans his forehead against mine and laughs. “I think the kettle was ready minutes ago.”
“I do not care” I say and crash my lips to his again, letting my hands travel over the body that I thought I’d never get to caress again. Then my lips travel to his jawline covered in his grey beard, then his neck all while my hands went up to unbutton his shirt. A teasing smirk takes place on my lips as I leave kisses on his neck that he stretches out for me to give me more room. “Unless you’d rather drink tea?”
“Absolutely not” His voice comes out low and gruff while his hands squeezes my hips. “You look stunning in this skirt and blouse” He says breathless while I undo the last button on his shirt.
“Kiera said I looked like someone’s mom” I say while recalling my best friend’s brutal honesty when it came to fashion.
“A gorgeous mom then, and-” I interrupt his sentence by licking at his pulse point and then biting down on it, causing him to whimper. My hands move on his now bare chest. Feeling the toned muscles underneath. Then I let my lips travel down from his pulse point to his chest and down to his stomach while dropping on my knees. When I reach his waistband I see his dark happy trail and I almost moan at the sight. I let my tongue slide along the dark hairs causing him to grip my hair while groaning my name. My eyes go up to him while my fingers toy with his belt. The question in them being clear - may I?
“You do not have to” he stutters out before closing his eyes. “But if you want to then, …please” I smile while unbuckling his belt and pulling down his pants. He helps me to free his length from his boxer briefs and when I see it again I feel like I am soaking through, not only my underwear, but also my skirt. I might actually be dripping right there on the floor of my kitchen.
He takes my awe as hesitation and he adds: “I am clean. Regularly tested” Which causes me to laugh before biting my lip and looking up at him.
“Good. Me too. IUD too, if you wanted to know.” He goes to say something in response but before he can I let my tongue go across his length causing him to moan. Then I put my mouth on him, slowly taking each and every part of him until I feel him in the back of my throat. Tears are welling in my eyes and I could not care. Instead I move my mouth on him while letting my tongue work him, and gently putting my hands on his balls.
I focus on the taste of him, salty but pure. I had never enjoyed going down on a man. But I quite enjoyed going down on Baelor, especially when it made him groan and let praises fall from his lips while holding my hair. You’re extraordinary. You undo me. You are so good for me. So so so good.
His praise only furthers the wetness pooling and I clench my thighs together to try to calm myself - it does not work. So instead I only moan in frustration against his length - causing him to twitch against my tongue. Then his hands in my hair yank me away.
“I do not wish to be done yet, my sweet girl” The nickname could’ve made me finish right and there. I had dreamed of hearing him say it again.
His hands go from my hair to my hands and he helps me to my feet before kissing me again - unbothered by the taste of himself on my lips.
Without breaking the kiss I guide us into my bedroom and I push him onto the bed. He lays there, his shirt undone and length waiting for me hard and ready. “Take off the rest of your clothes” I say, not quite sure what came over me. I guess months of wanting the same man made me more demanding than I had ever been. He does not seem to mind this, instead he complies.
I take off my skirt first, and then my blouse. As I stand there in the lace lingerie that I had worn in hopes that Kiera and Valarr actually would succeed in finding me a guy. I was very happy that they had not.
Baelor looks at me where he now lays naked on the bed, as he looks over my body he gulps before speaking. “Take it all of. I cannot wait anymore for you, sweet girl.” I listen to his words, but I do not rush
Instead as I reach for one of the straps of my bra I speak. “I tried to go on dates these weeks without you.” I say, my eyes never leaving his. “Each time was more horrible than next.” The strap falls and I move to the other. “All I could do was compare them to you.” Letting my fingers move slowly before dropping the next one as well. “Every time i came home all alone and all I could do was think of the night with you.” Unclasping my bra and letting it fall. Then my hand goes to the waistband of my lace panties that were completely fucking soaked. “And each night I would have to settle with my fingers instead of you.” He groans at my words while my panties drop to the floor and I go to settle in his lap.
I lean down to kiss him and his hands go up to my hips, holding them with a grip that is sure to leave a mark. He pulls away from the kiss and lets his lips travel down to my now naked breast. His lips go to suck on one of my nipples while the other got the attention from one of his hands.
“Baelor-” I moan while grinding my hips down on his thighs, making him leave a delighted sound against my nipple before pulling away from it with a wet sound.
“You are soaked my sweet girl.” His hands move to my hips and guides me as I rut against his thigh. “Here you took your sweet time teasing me, all the while you were desperate.”
“Please Baelor I-”
“You were clean?” he interrupts me by asking and I nod while telling him of the last time I was tested. “IUD?” I nod at that while still rutting at his thigh, leaving a wet mess. “Do you still want to use a condom?” His voice falling into a more soft tone.
“Fuck no” I say before crashing my lips against his. While his tongue enters my mouth, I feel how he guides his tip against my entrance and when he is positioned I slowly inch down. I take all of him, and then sit to slowly adjust to his size.
“You are doing so well for me, my love” he says while rubbing circles on both of my hips. “I didn’t use my fingers or mouth and you are still taking me so well” I cannot answer him, the only sounds from my mouth are small whimpers at feeling him filling me completely. One of his hands goes up to my clit and starts moving in the pattern he had learned worked on me the last time. “Move when you feel ready, sweet girl”
I do. I move up and down, finding a pace that makes my name slip from his lips. My hands go up to his dark chest hair, gripping onto them while riding him. My eyes are on his face, seeing his eyes watching me on top of him. But then, my eyes drift downward to his arms. The bicep on the arm whose hand is on my clit, is slightly flexed - showcasing just how strong it is. The thought is barely formed when I lean down, my lips kissing the skin of his bicep before sucking on it. He moans at the contact and his circles on my clit go a little faster while I am still grinding on his length.
I let my tongue drag on his bicep where small beads of sweat had started to form. Then I let my teeth come out and bite the muscles causing him to twitch inside of me while a groan leaves his mouth.
“You sure do love biting, sweet girl”
“Only you” I say against his skin, causing him to stir under me. He sits up and pulls me closer in his lap.
“Is that so?” He says while I move against him and drop my forehead against his - our eyes meeting.
“Yes” The word comes out somewhere between a breath and a moan. The new angle makes him hit the soft spot inside of me and I feel how a tight coil is already forming in my belly. “Gods, Baelor I am close”
He does not respond with words. Instead he drops his head and he goes to suck on my breasts while still moving his hand in circles on my clit.
“Baelor I-”
“I know my love, let go” He says against my nipple and then bites down on it. The sting of it causes the feeling in my belly to burst and I finish right then and there. He helps me through it by meeting my pace with upward thrusts.
When my trembles still he goes up from my breasts and kisses me, deep and thorough. Then his hands go to my waist and lift me slightly to then guide me to lay down on the mattress. He turns me so I lay on my side and then he lays behind me.
“Lift your leg, sweet girl” I obey, and feel his chest against my back as his length pushes at my entrance again. “I have missed you so much” he murmurs against my neck as he pushes in his length. The feeling of him being inside of me again causes me to let out a sound that is as much of a sob as it is a moan.
“I’ve missed you too,” I say while he starts to rock into me while his hands caress my body. “Every day”
My words make him pick up his pace, his hips slamming into my backside while his length repeatedly touches the spot inside me that makes me insane. His hand goes to my front to rub circles on my sensitive bud again.
“I want you to cum again before I finish” he says while moving against me. “ You can do it, sweet girl. I know you can”
My head falls back against him as I feel the familiar coil in my stomach already forming. The sounds of our moans and our skin slapping together echoes against my bedroom walls and the sounds alone make the coil tighter and tighter. He moans my name against my neck before sucking down on it and that is what makes me fall apart again.
“There we go, so good for me” He says while continuing to slam into me - his thrusts picking up speed. “Where do you want it?”
“My mouth” My words surprised me as I said it. ” Please, Baelor” My begging is what makes him pull out and I move quickly to make my mouth ready for him. He pulls at his length in fast strokes and then he cums and my mouth is on him right away. I swallow every drop of it. The salty taste being addictive.
He puts his hands on the sides of my face and kisses me softly, while gently dragging his thumb across my flushed cheeks. “I am so glad I got stood up that night” he whispers against my lips.
“I am so glad Valarr got you to pick us up tonight” I whisper back and he laughs against my lips before bumping his nose with mine.
…
When the sun cascades on me through the window I feel Baelors breath on my neck, his arm slung across my waist. We had stayed tangled all night and although I had appreciated his breakfast last time, I much preferred to wake up next to him.
I turn in his arm so that my face meets his. I look at how soft his face looks while sleeping next to me. Besides his grey hair, he looked younger like this. One could hardly believe that this man sleeping on my flower-pillowcase was a CEO of a tech company. I let my lips meet his cheeks, in a soft and gentle kiss. Then I move them across his face causing him to stir underneath my lips.
“This is the best wake up I have gotten in years” his voice being gruff and low. I only hum in response while continuing to kiss down his neck before laying my head down on his chest. One of his hands goes to stroke my head while his arm around my waist pulls me closer. “I guess you have to uncross that item on your list.” I lift my head and look at him. “It’s not a one night stand anymore” he says wearing a crooked smile.
“I do not care” I say laying down on his chest, right above his beating heart. “ I’ll take it off the list. I don’t really feel the need to have one any more”
This makes his arm pull me tighter while kissing my hair. “Good” he mumbles against my head. We lay there together, the quiet taking over us as we simply enjoyed each other’s presence. That is, until both of our phones started buzzing with text, after text, after text.
We look at each other and we both reach the same conclusion. “They were fine when we dropped them off” I say while trying to ignore the continuous buzzing of text messages rolling in.
“Well, things turn quickly for them” he says and kisses my head before we both move toward our phones.
Our suspicions had been correct. Kiera was now bombarding me with messages about a fight she was having with Valarr. I sighed as I put on my underwear, as well as Baelors shirt before moving out into the living room and calling her.
As soon as she picks up she starts ranting about what Valarr had done. All I could do was hum and listen to her - for she did not waste a single breath. This was how it always was when the two of them fought. She called angry, ranting about how wrong he was. Then her rants started to get slower and slower and suddenly she is crying about how wrong she is and how much she loves him. Then she hangs up saying an “I love you girl” and I respond saying the same thing.
I walk into the bedroom where Baelor still has the phone against his ear and I hear him say a quick goodbye to Valarr on the other end. He hangs up and puts it on the bedside table. We look at each other and smile as I climb onto his lap.
“They really love each other” I say while settling on his thighs, his hands coming up to my hips.
“In a very intense way, yes” he say while laughing before pressing a kiss to my lips.
My hands go up to his hair - disheveled from the night before. “Have you ever had a love like that?” I say quietly while scratching his head, causing him to hum in satisfaction.
“In the beginning with Jena we were like that. We were teenagers so it was hard not to be all intense emotions and passion” He says while letting his hands move from my hips to my thighs and giving them a squeeze. “Then we had Valarr and Matarys and when you have kids you can’t live your life that way anymore. It’s not sustainable in the long run.” He moves his head slightly to kiss one of my wrists while I am still scratching his head. “And you? Have you had a love like that?”
“Yes.” I say my hands dropping from his head and moving down to his shoulders, resting them there. “It was the longest relationship I had. It was intense and as we got older I realized that we couldn’t keep doing it. So, I tried to talk to him instead. Have discussions instead of arguments.” I swallow as a lump forms in my throat when I think back to the relationship. “He was not ready for that. So, each time we had an argument he responded with the opposite to my approach - he gave me the silent treatment.” My eyes drop to my hands on Baelor’s shoulders. His thumbs move in circles on my thighs as I continue to speak. “It started with a few minutes, then hours and then finally days. The longest was 10 days. And each time he came back he said the same thing. Did you think about what you did?”I shake my head at the memory. “He said that every time and I just accepted it because the silence made me believe that I was the only one that was guilty. Overthinking everything I had ever done until I convinced myself I was horrible.” A tear escapes me and one of his hands goes up to gently brush it away. “Kiera helped me realize that it was not a healthy relationship. She helped me leave.”
“Thank you for trusting me with that” he said, his voice quiet between us, while his hand still caressed my cheek and I leaned into it. “You deserved better than that” I kiss his hand while smiling down at him.
“Thank you”
We sat there for a while until we both agreed that we should get some breakfast. He makes a french omelette while I make coffee that he said was “dangerously strong”. Before he left we exchanged numbers. This goodbye was different than the last time. Now there was a promise of more. A promise that we would see each other again. Although, we did agree not to tell anyone yet. Baelor had never introduced another woman to his sons after their mother’s passing. Even though they were both grown up now he still did not want to rush things. Especially when the thing between us was still unnamed. I had no issue with the secrecy, if anything I did not mind keeping him and the memory of the night to myself.
…
The following weeks Baelor was on several business trips. They were introducing new tech which Baelor had explained to me while on facetime but I had gotten distracted cause he was wearing his glasses which made him - somehow- even sexier. He was constantly in different time zones meaning that calls would always be in the middle of the night for one of us - causing them to be way too short since we both had work in the morning.
Texting made it all easier. Telling each other about our days and what we wanted to do when he got back. My favourite thing was whenever Baelor sent pictures because they were so quintessentially him. He would send a picture of a park in the city he was in and simply write: Very good morning stroll. Wish you were here. The fact that he used periods in his sentences should cause me to overthink - it did whenever someone else used them. But not with Baelor. Because I knew that he did not even think twice about being grammatically correct and it made my chest warm at the thought.
There would also be other pictures: of coffee that he said was almost as strong as mine, of book stores where they had a ‘very good selection’ and anything else that he said made him think of me. I would also send pictures to him. Small things in my everyday life - like the book I had finished that I wanted to lend him, or the dinner I had made off the recipe he had sent me. The only thing was that there was something lacking in our texts - we never sent selfies. Not a single photo of ourselves could be found in the conversations. I planned to change that.
That night Kiera was coming over to have a girl’s night. Our girl’s night always meant the same thing: wine, old rom-com’s, gossip and wearing pajamas. Usually I wore my old set of pajamas that I’d had for way too long. Now, I had bought a new one. A night gown in silk that was still appropriate to only wear as pyjamas but still could have other purposes. I stand in front of the mirror and take a selfie and send it to him, adding the text: Ready for girl’s night. His response comes almost immediately: You look beautiful, my sweet girl. Then a few minutes pass before he sends a picture - this time a selfie of him. He is wearing his work clothes, his hair is fixed and he is smiling at the camera. The text reads : Ready for yet another meeting where I will be thinking of you.
It made me smile and I heart the message going to respond something else when I hear Kiera knocking profusely at the door.
…
“I am not saying you are a bad friend if you don’t come, I am just saying I would be severely disappointed in you” Kiera says while painting her toe-nails.
“Yeah, but you also made it clear that since I do not have an invite that I’d have to be someone’s date”
Kiera wanted me to come to a charity fundraiser thrown by the Targaryen corporation. She said that each time they were at one of these events that Valarr would be pulled into different business conversations, leaving her alone and bored. However, you could not just simply arrive at one of these things. There had to be an official invite - or you’d have to be a plus-one.
“Not someone’s date, Valarr’s cousin Daeron’s date.” She said as if that was somehow supposed to persuade me. “He won’t try anything. He won’t be rude. If anything he will just be grateful that his father won’t berate him for bringing along someone the family deeply disapproves of.”
I simply sigh before taking a sip of wine. I did want to go. To find an excuse to be near Baelor - since the fundraiser was held the night after he came back. But I did not want to go as his nephew’s date. I wanted to go as his. But I knew I couldn’t
The phone call happened the day after. It was late and I had already tucked myself in when he called me - his voice smooth on the other end. The conversation is no different than our usual conversation. Everything flows effortlessly and a smile is on my face the entire time. That is until he clears his throat and his tone changes.
“I need to tell you something” he said and my heart drops. “There is a charity fundraiser when I come back”
“I know, Kiera told me” I thought that was it, but I heard in the exhale he did that there was more. My heart started beating faster in my chest.
“My father is making me attend it with Margot Lannister.” I go still. Everyone knew of the Lannister family. Rich and gorgeous and always in the tabloids. “But I just hope you know that it is completely professional. I have no desire to actually be with her. I hope you know that.”
I listen to his words. I knew that being in his position there were certain politics and games involved. This was one of them that I wish were not included - but alas, it was. When I do not say anything he says my name.
“I’m here, I hear you” Because I knew he did not want her. If he did he would not bother calling me. “Kiera wants me to go as Daeron’s date”
Silence and then, “You should.”
“You think so?”
“Yes, then I get to see you that night.” His tone getting warmer on the other end. “Besides, I think my brother will be ecstatic that his son brings a young woman like yourself as a date.” His words make me blush and I hesitate at first before responding.
“You know what? I’ll go.”
“Good.” he responds.
The next day I called Kiera and she screamed for several minutes before stating that she was going to become my personal shopper since I could not wear my “teacher clothes” to an event like this. She was not wrong. If Baelor was going to stand next to a Lannister I wanted to wear something that would make his eyes only be on me.
…
The woman looking back at me in the mirror did not look like me. Or she did but if my life did not consist of grading papers where students had completely ignored the instructions and then wondered why their grade was not higher.
Kiera had done my hair and makeup, but what really made me look elevated was the dress. A long satin emerald dress that was backless. Kiera claimed that this dress was like me - business in the front and party in the back.
“So I am a mullet?” I ask her as I put my heels on.
“No” she says while fixing her dress in the mirror. “You are all professional and good girl when someone first meets you. Then with time you start showing your lil freaky side” She say smiling at me.
A knock is heard and Valarr steps in wearing a tailored tuxedo. “Look at you ladies” he says with a smile before walking up and kissing Kiera. Then when they break away he looks at me. “Daeron is gonna be one happy guy” Causing Kiera to slap his chest.
“Don’t say that! She might back out.”
I did not back out. Instead we meet up with Daeron who looked me up and down with an already drunken haze. He did not give me a compliment, instead he simply gave me a thumbs up and then let his hand go to my lower back. To anyone else it looked like a gentleman guiding his lady into the fundraiser. But in reality it was him leaning his body weight against me so he would not fall on his ass.
When we enter the gala it does not take long until I see Baelor with his date. Margot Lannister was close to his age - only two years younger. She used to be a model in her twenties and now she worked at one of the more prestigious fashion catalogues.
I knew that they were only together here as a professional agreement. Yet I could not help but feel a sting as I saw him standing next to her. Because they made sense. They were the same age. They both had been married before. They were both incredibly successful. On paper she was a better choice than me - a fact that made a pit in my stomach grow larger and larger.
Then his eyes meet mine. He gives me a small smile, so small that no one else would catch it. But I do. Then his eyes travel down to where Daeron’s hand is - on my lower back that was exposed by the cut of the dress. His eyes do not go up to meet mine after that, instead they turn to whatever man stood in front of him now.
Time passed as I stood with Kiera and Daeron, drinking champagne while I tried to understand what charity this event was even for. Then my phone buzzes in my purse. I take it up and see that it is from Baelor: Take the elevator to the 11th floor. My office is in the end of the hallway - you cannot miss it.
I manage to slip away and find the elevator, pressing the button and feeling how my pulse quickens. I had not seen him in so long.
He was right about not being able to miss his office. It was at the end of the hallway and when I entered he was standing with his back to the door - looking out through the panoramic windows at the city below.
“Hi” I say and he turns, as soon as he sees me he smiles his toothy big smile - the one that made his fangs show at the corner of his mouth.
“Hi” We meet each other halfway and his hands go up to grab my waist. “You look absolutely beautiful, my sweet girl”
“You don’t look so bad yourself” Because gods know he did not. Wearing a suit that looked like it was made for him especially - probably because it was.
His hands move toward my back and as he slides his fingers across my exposed back I shiver from his cold rings.
”This dress…” he says while his eyes go over me.
”Kiera’s work” I say while letting my lips form into a smirk.
”I must thank her then” he says while his hands squeeze me and then his lips to go my neck, causing my breath to hitch.
”You didn’t seem to be pleased about it downstairs” the words coming out of me before I can think them over. He lifts his head from my neck and my eyes meet his mismatched ones.
”I was pleased about the dress” his voice is low as he says it. ”Just not about where my nephew had his hand on you”
”Is the great Baelor Targaryen jealous?” I say, a grin taking place on my face.
”Yes” he answers and then his lips go up to the shell of my ear. ”And were you not jealous of Margot Lannister?”
The grin falls from my face. ”I wasn’t jealous” He raised his eyebrows at that” Okay perhaps a little jealous but mostly I was just…” my eyes fall to the floor while my fingers go to play with the fabric of my dress. ”She makes more sense than me” I whisper.
”What do you mean, darling?” He whispers, one of his hands going up to my cheek and lifts my head up so our eyes meet again.
”She is stunning, and rich and… your age” I say and bite my lip after the confession is out of me.
”Listen to me, my sweet girl” he says while letting his thumb stroke my cheek. ” She may be all those things. But she does not talk to me the way you do. She does not care to listen to my talks of pottery. She made fun of my puzzles. She could not carry an intelligent conversation nor make me laugh.” He drops his hand and puts it back around my waist while his lips go to my neck. ”She does not make me feel intoxicated as soon as I touch her” Kiss. ”She has not kept me awake” Kiss. ”You do all these things to me, my sweet girl” Kiss. ”You are beautiful, and smart and you undo me each and every time we meet” Kiss.
I pull his face up from my neck and kiss him, moaning against his lips while tasting him again after all this time apart. His hands travel on my naked back and occasionally drops to squeeze the curve of my ass. As his tongue enters my mouth I can feel his length pressing against my thigh through his trousers.
”Please tell me that there is no one else on this floor” I whisper against his lips and he smiles.
”No, but we will have to be quick, my love” he says, as one of his hands comes up to touch my nipple through the sheer fabric of my gown. ”Keep our clothes on, simply pushing them aside - okay?” I nod before pulling him down in another kiss.
One of his hands travels up my dress while he guides me to his desk. His long and slender fingers find my slick folds - bare. He pulls back, his eyes dark. ”No underwear?”
”They were too visible in the dress” Which was only a half-truth. For I had wanted the night to end with Baelor. I only did not expect all of this to happen while the event was still on-going.
He smirks at my words before kissing me - deep and hungry. His thumb goes to my clit while one of his fingers pushes in and when he presses I feel the cold metal of his ring against my sensitive folds - causing me to gasp against his lips.
He pulls out his finger quickly. ”Sorry I forgot the rings I can-”
”No, Baelor” I say and grip at his arm,”Keep the rings on” I say before kissing his Adam's apple. He groans before letting his digit enter me again, stretching and making me ready for another. I can feel the coldness of the metal and I feel with each thrust how more and more of my juices cover them. ”Gods, Baelor”
He works his fingers up to a speed, his thumb circling my clit. Then he moves his lips to my ear, nibbling at my earlobe before whispering. ”You are the only one I want, my sweet girl. The only one I wish to touch like this”
His words, his fingers, his rings. All of it becomes too much and I finish - loudly. The sounds echoing in his office. He does not stop moving his fingers in me until I catch my breath. He kisses me and against my lips he whispers. ”Turn around, my love”
I turn around and I feel him lift my dress, then I hear his belt being unbuckled. He puts the tip of his length against my sore and aching entrance. Both of his hands go to my lowerback, he grips at it - surely leaving a bruise. ”I will have to teach my nephew not to touch you like that again”
I go to respond but then he pushes in and all that can leave my lips are moans while I lean across his desk.
He waits a few seconds for me to adjust and then he starts slamming me into the desk. His length hitting parts of me I was not even sure existed. While he moves at a fast pace he keeps his strong grip on my lower back.
”You are mine, my sweet girl” he says. It is not said as ownership, but reassurance. Reassurance that although we do not make sense on paper. Although our dates tonight both seemed like more appropriate matches - we belonged to each other.
”I am yours” I moan, while my face is pressed against some papers on the desk. ”And you are mine”
”Yes I am” he says, twitching inside of me. ”Can I please finish inside of you, my love”
”Yes” I groan. The thought of it making my second orgasm approach faster. ”Please, Baelor”
That is when he spits down on my lower back, pressing his spit on my skin while simultaneously picking up his pace. The sensations of it all bringing me closer and closer.
”Baelor I-”
”Cum my sweet girl, you can do it. I got you” And I cum once again on his hard length. ”So good my girl, so so good for me” he says while still pumping inside of me. It does not take long until I feel him twitch and then spill all of his seed inside me as he buries himself completely while saying my name over and over again.
He stays inside of me for a while, leaning over and kissing the back of my neck. When he pulls out I whimper at how empty I feel, then I feel how our mixed juices start running down my thighs.
”Please come over tonight” he says while we both fix our clothes before heading downstairs. ”I want to talk to you and be next to you” He kisses my cheek and I smile.
”Of course I’m coming over Baelor”
”Good” he removes a smudge of mascara from underneath my eye before kissing me again.
The rest of the gala was spent apart but at the end of the night I got a cab to his apartment. We fell asleep together that night, after starting to do one of the puzzles he had bought while he was away. Perhaps we did not make sense on paper, but the best things in life rarely were.
Notes: English is not my first language. Constructive criticism is always welcome! I do not own any pictures or characters. Guys these two are slowly but surely finding their way back to each other. But this part is very much building up to the next one ( which will be the wedding and things getting even better between them) - SJ
Warnings: Age gap relationship. Unspecified house. The readers dad is an asshole and verbally abusive. Only slight angst (things are getting better - slowly), Jealousy, Baelor gets protective( let me know if I missed any)
Word count: 4.5k
Masterlist (with previous parts)
Part 8 - Wait
It was during a gown-fitting the next day that I received the invitation to meet up Baelor later in his study. It felt like an odd place to start our courtship. My first thought was that he simply tried to fit me in his busy schedule. That his words the day before had been empty and meant nothing to him.
Therefore, when I arrive at the study I am cautious and suspicious of the whole ordeal. I had already decided in my mind that if this was how he intended to court me - then he did not need to do it.
When I enter I know that I have a sour look on my face. He, on the other hand, sits writing on parchment and when he sees me in the doorway he smiles a crooked smile and says my name - soft and gentle.
“Come in, close the door behind you” I do, and then I clasp my hands in front of me - wearing courtly politeness as a shield.
“A study is quite an unusual place to meet one's betrothed, my prince” I say, letting him meet my neutral tone. I expect his smile to falter at it - it does not. Instead he only lets out a small laugh while moving towards a cupboard.
“Yes it is, but there are two reasons for meeting you here instead of say - the gardens.” He opens the cupboard and pulls out two goblets and a bottle of wine. “The first is that this is, mayhaps, the only place in the Red keep where we can have a conversation without being surveilled ” He puts down the goblets and pours wine in each of them. “The second reason is that this is the only place the maesters would let me have this.” He says and puts down the bottle of wine to pat a dusty book that sat upon his table.
“And what is that?” I ask him while taking one of the goblets and letting myself taste the wine he had poured for me.
“This is a tale written by the same author who wrote the tale you loved as a young girl” He smiles at me while sitting back in his chair.
“That man did not write any more tales” I say this with certainty. For I had searched for many years to find any more books written by that author. Everytime we visited some lord my father wanted to impress I snuck into their library to search for the same author - and every time I was unsuccessful. “Trust me, your grace. I know”
“You may think you know” he sips the wine. “But that is because this one never got printed into more copies. It is one of a kind.” His eyes soften as they look at me.
I take a seat on the other side of the table, put down my goblet and reach for the book. There on the first page I see it - the name I had searched for in many castles. “How?” It is all I can think of to ask.
“There are a few scenes as well as themes in it that many believed were far too… improper to distribute.”
I look down at the book in front of me and then back up at him. “And what is your plan? That you drink wine and watch me read this in silence?”
“Yes and no” he gives me a crooked smile while placing his hands in his lap. “I have already read the book. Written down some notes I have on it. Which means that if you wish to discuss it - we can. Otherwise, you read it in silence while we both enjoy the wine.”
“And if I do not wish to discuss it? Will you just sit there? Drinking wine while going through trade routes or tax records? All while I read this book in complete silence?”
“Yes” He says while smiling even bigger at me. I let out a breathless laugh and picked up the book.
“Is this how princes usually court ladies?” I say while raising my eyebrow at him, all the while letting my fingers find the first chapter.
“No,” he says and shrugs while picking up his goblet. “It is how I court you.” He takes a sip and I catch the glint in both of his eyes.
I started reading. The cadence of the writing reminds me of the book I had loved in my youth - the one who still had a place in my heart. However, there were some clear differences in the themes it discussed. It critiqued both the old gods and the new. It showed the rough life of the smallfolk who worked all their life - getting calloused hands and sunburnt faces - all for the nobles and royals to take advantage of them. Then there was the discussion of female pleasure.
I wish that I was able to read it all in silence. That I did not wish to discuss it. It felt like a childish show of power. That he would only speak if I spoke. But this tale was no ordinary tale. This tale burned its words in my mind and its markings spread to my tongue.
Therefore, it was on page 73 that I finally could not resist and I looked up with my mouth agape. To which Baelor only smiled and picked up the parchment where he had written down his notes. After that page the wall was down, the power play of silence was gone. Instead the study was now filled with more discussions rather than reading. The wine flowed along with the words and opinions we shared.
The tale was almost finished when a knock was heard and Baelor needed to be elsewhere.
It had not been terrible, this courting in the study. It was a start. Yet I yearned for something more. I had been locked up behind these stone walls for far too long. I missed the woods and meadows of my childhood. The new tale had helped to still the itch but it did not kill it.
So, when Baelor said that we would meet at the same time tomorrow to finish the book, I agreed - at first. Then I turn around and look at him, he looks at me with his eyebrows raised and a stance that shows that even though he has matters to attend to - he will wait for me and my words
”After we’ve finished the book tomorrow. Is there any way we could go horse riding?”
I see something flicker behind his eyes - surprise or simply just wonder. It is then I realize, by seeing his stance and his hands moving at his sides that when I had turned around he had expected me to reject his plan. Say that I did not wish to see him again tomorrow. Say that I did not wish to see him at all.
”I am afraid that cannot be arranged. Sadly, the city does not offer the routes or milieu that suits horse riding.” When he notices how my face falls at his words, he continues. “Mayhaps we could at least visit the gardens? ”
“That sounds fine, my prince” The words coming out from my lips without making them anything more than they are - indifferent. It was better than to be cooped up in the castle all day long. It was not better than actually being out and feeling the wind in my hair while riding through meadows and in between trees. It was better than nothing, but it was not what I needed.
…
The next day is much like the day before. Wedding plans that still need to fall into place. Gown-fittings where I had started to suspect that the seamstresses simply enjoyed poking me with pins and needles. How much more fitted could this gown be? How many more adjustments would they think were necessary? Then, I arrived to the study once more. We drank the same wine and read and discussed.
I would not be truthful if I said I did not enjoy the reading. If I said it did not quench the thirst for freedom. Reading has always been my aid. It had started before I even had learned to read - I would simply admire the illustrations, the bindings and how the letters were etched onto the parchment in ink. No matter where I was, no matter how misplaced or how many whispers surrounded me - books could always spare me. They would sit there on dusty bookshelves and wait for me with their new ideas, new thoughts and new worlds - and I would always find them.
Then we reached the final chapter, the final page, the final words and our discussion came to an end. As we stood up to leave for the gardens, I thanked Baelor. For finding it and for letting me read it. I did not, however, voice all of my gratitude. That I was grateful that he let me sit there and read in silence. Sometimes I would read several chapters before wishing to discuss it - and he did not object. He did not push me to speak. He didn't rush me. He sat there and let me take my time. Each time I spoke he would simply smile and bring out his notes, as if he had not waited for me at all - but he had.
When I come out to the gardens I try to remember the gratefulness. I tried to force the feeling to dwell inside of me. Yet, my attempts were futile. The itch of running on the lands where Roman and I had spent our days of youth together, took over. To feel like one could run without having eyes and ears on oneself. To not have manmade enclosures making me feel like I was simply a weed in this garden - and one look from the gardener would meant hat I would be gone. I wished to be someplace that felt larger than manmade cities. To stand under trees that seemed to never stop growing. Who reached the top of this world. Not to stand next to a hedge that was routinely trimmed.
“How are things going with the wedding plans, my lady?” His question pulls me from the spiral being constructed in my mind.
“Smooth. Although, I never did think that I had to put so much thought into the colour of drapes.” This pulls out a laugh from him. It was not the laugh that most people heard from the prince. It was the one that I had heard that first meeting underneath the oak tree. The sound of it awoke a warm feeling in my chest. A fondness for the slight off-beat sound that was proof that he was not always practiced and composed. A fondness and warmth that was short-lived. I was reminded me of all that had transpired since that first laugh. The warmth in my chest was replaced with a sharp and cool sting - one that spread itself all over me.
“I do not envy you. For my first wedding I rememb-” He stops himself, in his words and his steps. Then his posture gets straighter, while clasping his hands behind his back. He continues to walk and begins to speak of something pointless. Something polite and something that is a perfectly decent conversation topic.
I do not follow him.
“Your grace.” I say while he stops a few steps from me. He turns to see me standing still on the path. “You can speak of Lady Jena. You and I have spoken of her before. I did not mind it then and I do not mind it now.”
One of his hands goes to scratch at the back of his neck while he looks down on the gravel beneath our feet. His hand then falls to his side as he looks up at me. “I do not wish to cause you any discomfort”
“You will not” I say and step closer to him while shrugging. “I knew of your previous marriage since before we had even met. I know you care for her. She gave you two wonderful sons.” I am standing in front of him now. His eyes are looking at me before shooting down quickly at the small distance between our feet. “ I do not wish for her name and memory to become something forbidden or hidden. She deserves to be spoken of and remembered”
At my last words he exhales a deep breath before nodding. Then we fall into our steps as he starts to speak of her and their wedding. Of how she would see something small – a bird, a stone or simply the shape of the clouds - and somehow this would give her an idea for the cake, or her hair or the seating arrangement. How Baelor had tried to help but each time she would simply raise her eyebrows and he would fall silent. He told me that even during the wedding she made last minute adjustments - but that she seemed more happy doing that than anything else. As if planning the wedding was more enjoyable than the actual wedding itself.
Our conversation gets interrupted by a familiar voice calling my name. Lyonel walks up wearing his usual care-free smile.
“Do my eyes deceive me or are you actually walking around looking happy?” He comes up to us and places a hand on my shoulder. He gives it a squeeze and then he leaves it there. It was nothing new. We had been friends for years, and the occasional touch was not something either of us thought twice about. However, I noticed how Baelor’s eyes dropped to Lyonel’s hand still on my shoulder.
“Lord Baratheon” he said, his court-tight smile making an appearance.
“Prince Baelor” Lyonel says and then flashes a wide grin. “Has her sharp tongue picked you apart yet, your grace?”
“Lyonel.” My voice matching his teasing tone. “It is odd to see you outside before midnight. Have you already emptied the wine cellar of your generous host?”
He gasps my name while moving his hand from my shoulder to his chest. “You wound me. Since when do you take any issue with my intake of wine?”
“Since I am marrying into the family whose wine cellar you are emptying, you drunkard” This pulls a laugh out of Lyonel making him give Baelor - who stood stiff and still - a pat on his back. I saw how Baelor only looked at Lyonel, his eyes clouded by something I had not seen before.
“You are marrying a good woman, your grace” And then, since Lyonel lacked the ability to read the room, he adds. “To believe in another life she could’ve been my wife” After that he bids us farewell before leaving us standing there. Unaware of how his interruption had affected Baelor.
I look at where he stands. Fingers twirling his rings, jaw clenched and eyes glued to the ground.
“My prince.” My voice comes out firm yet calm, hoping that would make him look at me - but his gaze remains on the ground. “Are you alright?” He lets out a breathless laugh while shaking his head.
“He said you could’ve been his wife”
“It was a jest.”
“His hand was on your shoulder”
“He patted you on your back” I say while shrugging
“He called you by your name - not your title”
“We are friends. I am of the opinion that one can use names instead of titles then, do you not agree?” He does not answer my question, instead he speaks with an even quieter tone.
“You called him by his name.” I am about to once again stress the fact that we are friends when he adds, in an even lower voice. “Yet you insist on titles with me”
I try to fight back the teasing smile that takes form on my lips. Yet the grin still widens over my face.
“Do not tell me you are jealous, my prince?”
A muscle in his jaw ticks at my words, he goes to say something but he remains silent and turns away from me.
“Lyonel is a good friend of mine.” My voice is still firm but carrying more softness, while I approach him.”He was…more than that to Roman.” The grin on my face is now gone entirely as I see him taking in my words. I do not wish to tell him of the nature of Roman and Lyonel’s relationship - for it is not for me to tell. “Lyonel is fond of jesting. Of provoking people. He does not actually wish that I would be his wife.
“I am aware of Lyonel Baratheon's fondness for provocation.” His eyes finally look up to meet mine. “I simply do not care for him using you as one.”
“Well, I do not care for you getting jealous of one of my few friends in the seven kingdoms, my prince.”
“I am not jealous” His voice is firm but he has stopped moving his fingers along his rings, his jaw is unclenched.
“Whatever you say, your grace ” I say, while my grin returns on my face. The moments has become far warmer now, the effect of Lyonel’s words being erased. In fact it is easier than any conversation we’ve had in weeks. Not carrying any of the weight of all that has happened. Baelor senses this too and doing so he gets carried away. His hand goes up and tucks away a stray hair from my face, his fingers carefully brushing my cheek.
I freeze at the touch. Although, it is barely even a touch. Still, my entire body goes stiff. It feels too much, too soon. He notices this too, quickly retrieving his hand. I know Baelor well enough to see that he is about to apologize. I see the words starting to form on his lips, but I do not let him say it.
“I believe it is time for me to return to the wedding plans, your grace” I say while taking a step back from him.
“I-” he says while one of his hands goes out to me, but he takes it back and puts both hands behind his back. “Will I see you at supper, my lady?” ‘
“Yes, your grace” I say and curtsy. The warmth of the moments is gone, leaving only a coldness against my cheek where his fingers had touched me.
...
Supper that evening was held with my family as well as Baelors - with exception for the king and queen. This was an exception that my father did not like – causing him to be in a sour mood. Through my childhood I had become an expert at my father’s mood and more importantly - how these moods would affect me and my siblings. Whenever he barely touched his wine but still laughed, it was one of the rare moments where he was happy and therefore he would praise Miria - calling her lovely and beautiful. Whenever he was silent and mostly poked at his food, he was tired. This had been when he would look at Romans plate and wave at the servants to give him more -”You’re too thin for a knight” he would mutter. Whenever his frown was more pronounced and he leaned back in his chair - he felt slighted. This was when he decided that the disappointment in his life had to be pointed out - me. This was the mood he was currently in, meaning I knew what I was in for before I had even taken my first bite.
“Sit up straight, daughter, only truly beautiful ladies can be afforded bad posture” He spits the words across to me. To me it is nothing new as I have heard them before, truth be told I had heard far worse before. Yet I see how the princes react, Maekar letting out a soft grunt, Valarr's shoulders becoming tense and Baelor’s eyes shooting toward me.
“Yes, father” I say, trying to sound polite in a way to still his annoyance toward me. It works, for a few minutes. Valarr and Miria falling into some conversation that I cannot listen to because I am trying to keep the situation from becoming worse - my efforts are, however, futile.
My father says my name, and as usual he spits it out as if it is venom on his tongue. “I have heard you’ve been spending some time with Lord Baratheon.”
“He is a friend, father. He was a friend of Roman and he-”
“I do not care what he is” he says while slamming his goblet of wine down on the table, red wine splashing on the dark wood. “He has a reputation, one that you cannot afford to be associated with.” I go to answer, but he is not finished. “I already have to suffer with hearing whispers of how you have gone fucking mad and are as ladylike as a limp horse” He stops only to drink wine. My gaze is on my plate, refusing to see how the Targaryens react. I was just grateful that Matarys had taken his supper earlier and was now in bed - far away from my father’s words. “ I cannot stand to also have you be viewed as a useless whore”
This causes a clatter of cutlery. Maekar is now standing up, Valarr is throwing daggers with his eyes at my father and Baelor sits with his hands in his lap.
“That is enough” He says in a stern voice, causing even me to shrink a little bit in my chair. “ You are speaking to my betrothed, my lord.” He tilts his head slightly. “Speak to her in that manner again, and I will have you thrown out of this keep and make sure no Lord or Lady ever associates with you again.”
My father goes to respond but Maekar interrupts him. “And I shall cut out your tongue and feed it to the hounds.”
This causes my father to stutter out some unintelligible apology before nodding and then looking down at his plate.
…
Supper is finished and I am standing up, about to retire to my chambers, when the servant comes in. Matarys had asked for me. Not for a maid. Not for his brother. Not for his father. He had asked for me.
“I’ll come with you” Baelor said and I looked at him, about to argue. “ I am his father” I nodded, because I had no argument against that. Matarys was his son, not mine. We fell into step next to each other as we walked the hallways toward the nursery. Silent at first but then he stopped, and I did as well.
“Your father had no right to speak to you that way, my lady” He said while his eyes travel across my face, never stopping too long in one spot.
“I am used to it, your grace.” I shrug, because to me this had not been the worse my father had been. He had said and done far more hurtful things in the past.
“I am sorry” He says and his voice cracks on the last word.
“It is not your fault, my prince, my fath-”
“Not for what he said” he says and walks closer to me before he steps back again. Not wanting to get carried away the way he did in the gardens. “For what I said. All those weeks ago. I had no right.” He shakes his head and drags a hand through his beard. “ I let my fear speak for me and I hurt you. Badly. You do not deserve that. You deserve so much more.”
“I do” I whisper and look at him where he is standing in front of me with glassy eyes and a trembling breath. “I also told you I am giving you time, Baelor” His name slips past my name without thinking about it. But I notice how it affects him, how his breath hitches as I say it.
“I know” he says. “I know, and I am sorry for the gardens. I -” He looks at me where I stand. His lips trembling while he speaks“I will not push again. I will not let myself get carried away. I will wait.” Despite his efforts to hide it, a tear slips from one of his eyes.
“That is good, my prince” I whisper while letting a hand go up to his cheek, my thumb brushing away the tear that had slipped past his composure. He leans into the touch and I let my hand linger before pulling it away. “Matarys is waiting for us”
When we arrive at the nursery, Matarys is sitting up in his bed holding a pillow close to his chest while tears stream down his face. When I step through the door he releases the pillow and holds out his arms for me. I embrace him at once and let my hand run through his auburn locks.
“What’s wrong, little prince?” I whisper against his head of hair. He sniffles against my chest before turning and looking at his father standing in the doorway. Baelor walks up and sits next to us on the bed.
“Are you alright?” he asks while letting his hand go to his son’s back.
“I had a dream” he mumbles against my collarbone.
“A bad one?” Both me and Baelor ask in unison.
“Yes or no. I-” He sniffles and then he speaks. “ You and father had a baby” His words land like a stone in the silent nursery. Me and Baelor’s eyes meet. Neither of us know what to say. Then Matarys speaks again. “You held the baby and talked to it and sang to it and when I talked to you… the both of you just…ignored me.”
“Dreams are just that, little prince, dreams” I put my hands on his cheeks and lift his face up to look in his eyes. “Neither me nor your father would ever ever ignore you”
“Even if you had a baby?” he says, his eyes big as they search mine for any hesitation in my answer.
“Even if we had a baby.” says Baelor and Matarys looks at his father before embracing him instead.
The three of us stayed up and talked until Matarys stopped crying and then finally fell asleep. Me and Baelor left the nursery and outside in the hallway it was quiet - in the way the castle only was in the deep hours of the night. We stood next to each other and for a fraction of a second I let my fingers brush against his. At the contact he says my name. I look up at him and he clears his throat.
“Good night” he says letting the corner of his mouth twirl upwards and I smile at him.
“Good night, Baelor” and then I walked toward my chamber.
The wounds his words had afflicted on me were not gone, they might never be and it would take more time before they even healed. But each meeting with Baelor made something clear for me - he would wait. Whether we were betrothed or married, he would not push or rush me. He would wait for my forgiveness. He would wait for me, and that made the wounds sting a little less.
hoved your recent chapter of your Baelor story. And this is nbd but i just wanted to mention from what we can infer in the books + show septa's generally don't teach or care for boys. they're cared for by maesters and masters at arms so martyrs being called off to his septa for history threw me off a bit. not a criticism or anything still love your writing!
omg honestly thank you for saying this! Your girl does not keep track of all the facts. And any comment that helps my writing to improve is greatly appreciated❣️( You are looking at the girl who got mad at university when her peers gave short feedback)
Summary: A young woman decides that she will no longer let overthinking control what she does. She makes a list of new things to try, one of these things is drinking alone. She did not know that she would meet a man who, by the end of the night, makes her cross of another item - one night stand. The only problem is that the connection they struck up is too good to only be one night. Yet they both believe that they will never see each other. But what they do not know is that their lives are already linked together.
Warnings: 18+, MDNI, SMUT, one-night stand, slight angst (?), drinking, oral (f!receiving), no descriptions of reader except that she has female anatomy, no use of y/n, praise kink, age gap relationship (reader! is in her mid-twenties, Baelor in his mid-forties), porn WITH plot (let me know if I need to add something)
Word count: 7.8k
Notes: So, this is my first story with smut in it. However, this story kept taking place in my head and it needed to come out. But apologies beforehand if the smut scene is completely unreadable. English is not my first language. I do not own any characters or pictures - SJ
I let my fingers rest on the stem of the wine glass, trying to keep myself grounded and convince myself that I could do this. I lift the glass to my lips and let the fine red wine slip down my throat - trying to ignore the fact that this glass cost more than all the lunches I ate that week combined.
This restaurant and bar was not the place for a single woman in her mid-twenties. I knew this when I had searched for a place to do this. I needed a place where my solitude could feel sophisticated and not come off as sad while being surrounded by people my age - and people in my tax bracket.
The list sat on my phone. It had come to be when my favorite colleague - and mentor - had retired. It made it clear how much in this life I had not done, simply because I let my overthinking and nerves control me. That time would pass and much of life would slip through my fingers if I did not make changes to my life. I had already crossed off a few things on it, tonight I would cross off another - Drinking alone at a bar.
It was a small thing, but it felt big as I sat there by the bar drinking my glass of wine. I did not rely on my more socially equipped friends, or some guy who would talk about himself for the whole time and then stare at the bartender's chest. I did not even sit there, single and alone, hoping to meet someone. I was simply enjoying a delicious red wine from 78’ while slowly swaying my feet to the music that played from the speakers.
The doors opened frequently with new people walking into the restaurant. However, it was hard not to see how he stood out. He was in his 40’s, dark features with grey hair and a prominent nose. His suit looked tailored to him and he had a watch that was able to catch every light that was available in the room. All of these things were not the reason why he stood out. In fact, they just showed that he belonged to the rest of the restaurant’s demographic. What made him stand out was how polite he had been to the hostess that showed him his table. How he did not walk with arrogance and showcasing the things he had bought with money that could easily erase my student debt. No, he walked with a sense of gratitude. That is the only way I can describe it. Like he was thankful for getting a table and for having a nice hostess to help him.
When he passes by me to get to his table I see him smile at the hostess and I am able to see two slight fangs on otherwise perfectly white teeth. A small quirk that made him stand out even more. Then there was the matter of his fragrance. It was no doubt a cologne with hints of firewood, musk and perhaps a little tobacco. Yet there was something else, something earthier and also a hint of a certain sweetness.
I could not help but to look over at him when he sat down at his table where there were two sets of tableware waiting for him. He sits down and when he does he looks up and his eyes catch mine. I turn back to look at my glass of red - hoping that the flush in my cheeks was covered in the dim light.
…
I let the last of the wine slide down my throat and set down the glass, about to pull out my wallet from my handbag when I see him approaching in the corner of my eye. I stop my movement ever so slightly.
He does not go up to me, however, instead he turns to the bartender, holding two glasses that had red wine in them.
“I am so sorry to bother you, but it seems that I will not be needing one of these so you can have it back.” He puts down the glass and when he does he seems to feel the weight of my eyes on him. He turns to look at me. It is then that I see that his eyes were mismatched. One brown and one eye that is blue. No, not blue. Violet. Violet like the sky in the last few minutes of the day. His eyes traveled from me down to my now empty glass that still carried the red residue that my wine had left behind.
“Pardon me, I know this is forward, but would you like one of these glasses?” He takes one of them and slowly slides it over to me on the counter.
“Yes.” My answer comes too quickly. I am aware of this. I do not know if it is the wine that already flooded my blood, the rush from crossing off my list of things to try or this incredibly gorgeous man that made me do it. But I said yes and he smiled. “What wine is it?”
The bartender answered that for me - it is the same one I had already had a glass of. This makes the man smile, showing once again the fangs that sat on the corners of it.
“Then I can sleep more soundly tonight that I did not let good wine go to waste” He takes the other glass and raises it in a cheer before taking a seat further down at the bar. Far away that if I wanted to, I could ignore him. Yet not far away enough that it was possible for me to.
I take a sip of the wine before turning to him. “Pardon me, it is my turn to be forward.” I offer him a small smile. “Why did you order two glasses instead of just one?”
“I had not intended to be here alone” he says while twirling the stem of his glass, his eyes are not on me when he continues. “It seems I have gotten ‘ghosted’ or ‘stood up’ or whatever it is that they call it nowadays.”
His words are soft, and when he looks up at me there is a tint of shame in his eyes. As if it was his fault for taking the chance at meeting someone.
“I am sorry” It is all I can think of to say. For a beat I consider trying to make the conversation lighter. If it had been anyone else sitting next to me, I believe I would have. But this man, this man whose name I had not yet learned, made me feel like the weight of the words could be there. That a conversation could exist without it being easy.
“I will survive it. I did not even know who she was.” He smiles at me and then looks at me, eyes slightly narrowing. “Might I ask what you were doing drinking alone? Business trip?”
His question drags out a laugh from me which makes his eyebrows shoot up. “I apologize, it is just that I am an english teacher. Not a lot of business trips”
“I suppose not”
“But to answer your question,” I take a breath, before admitting to the reason for why I had gotten dressed up – simply to drink alone. “I am on a mission to try new things. A sort of bucket list, I guess you could call it. And one of the items on that list is to drink alone at a bar.”
“Then I guess I should be apologizing,” he says and I take note of how he shifts closer to me. “It seems I have ruined your mission.”
I shake my head and let out a little laugh before taking another sip of wine. “ Do not apologize, I drank an entire glass all on my own. That counts in my book.”
He nods while swirling his glass in his hand.
“What else is on that list?”
…
It is the occurrence of things that one cannot quite explain afterward. I tell him my name, I know this. I know he gives me his name – Baelor. I do not know when we moved closer until our shoulders brushed. I do not know whose idea it was to have another glass of wine - I only know he insisted on paying for it. I only know that while we went over each item on my bucket list that the conversation flowed carelessly between us. I told him how ziplining had gone (surprisingly well). He told me of the time he had adjusted his will before going to an amusement park with his two sons. I told him about my job as an english teacher. He told me that although he loved his job - that he did not quite specify what it was - he loved his hobbies more. These hobbies included reading, puzzles and as of late - pottery.
The conversation did not steer away from the heavier topics when we arrived there. He told me briefly of losing his wife. I told him some of the parts of my childhood that made me think that I needed others to be enough. Obviously, we did not cover all the grounds on these topics. There would be far more wine needed for that to be achievable. However, we both were able to mention it. Discuss it in any way that felt comfortable while the other met it with kindness, and an appreciation of the trust that we had already given each other.
“Now now,” Baelor says while letting the last of his wine disappear down his throat. “What is next on the list?”
I smile and scroll down on my notes, but the smile falls while I read the item. “It’s…” I do not quite know how to say it. Instead I angle the phone so he can read the words. Have a one-night stand.
He nods, I can see him bite his lip for a fraction of a second before speaking. “You’ve never had one?”
“No.” I shake my head. “It seems that…intimacy is better when you have a connection with a person. And to me it seems strange that if you were to strike up a connection with someone, why not see them again?”
“I could not agree more” His voice is slightly lowered when he says the words to me. Then he clears his voice. “ I have not had one either. With me being married young and then becoming a widower. Not really the thing that you can bring up to a stranger.”
“Oh it isn’t?” I say and he catches my smirk and the corners of his lips curl up slightly.
“Usually not.” Then I see his eyes travel over me, his gaze becoming more intense. “But you do not feel like a stranger”
I do not know if it is him that leans in first or if it’s me. I only know that my wine stained lips meet his. That his beard slightly scratches my chin. That his hand goes up to my cheek - not rough or demanding but soft and appreciating. That his lips were smooth as they moved on mine. That I let out a small gasp when his tongue entered my mouth and that made him smile while still not breaking the kiss.
In my head I was silently thanking myself for making that silly list. For choosing this place instead of a dive bar. And I was, selfishly, thanking whatever stupid woman it had been that stood Baelor up. I was also thanking Kiera, she was the one who had told me to bring a condom tonight - because as she had put it “you never know what happens”.
…
He leads me through the hallways of his apartment building with his hand resting at my lower back - steady and guiding. He had not kissed me in the car. In fact after we had both agreed where the night was heading, he had not kissed me since. Which made me feel increasingly greedy and needy for each passing second.
It turns out I was not alone in this feeling. For as soon as we enter his apartment he presses me up against the door and crashes his lips on mine again. This kiss was different from the first one at the bar. That one had been curious and gentle. This one was hungry and thorough. Not rough nor soft - but taking time with each press on the lips. Making sure that nothing is missed due to lack of patience.
He lets his hand go to my waist at first. Then his hand travels upward to the swell of my breast through the blouse I wore. When he reaches it, he only lets it rest there at first. Giving me space to pull away. To move his hand. I even feel it in his kiss - how he is seeking permission. I give it. When he squeezes my breast I let out a moan - causing my lips to part. He uses this to let his tongue enter and dance with mine.
One of my hands is on the door to make sure I do not fall on my knees. The other is on the nape of his neck - pulling slightly on the grey hairs there. I let myself pull at it with a bit more force - making him groan and then pull back from the kiss.
“I need you to know, that if you wish to stop at any point” he swallows while breathing warm heavy breaths that I feel on my lips “You just need to say the word and I’ll stop. Okay?”
“Okay” I nod and let both of my hands go up to the sides of his face to pull his lips to mine again.
He kisses me back while letting his hands go the curve of my ass, then they go to the back of my thighs. He gives them a slight pat and I immediately catch on to the meaning of it - I jump up slightly and his hands grab my thighs and wrap them around his waist. He moves us through the apartment - never letting my lips leave his - leading us to the bedroom where a king size bed waits for us.
He lays me down gently while letting his lips go from mine to my cheek. Then my jawline and then his kisses travel all the way from my neck down along the neckline of my blouse. His long fingers go up to the hem of it, his eyes look up to meet mine - once again asking me. I nod and he pulls it off my body - leaving me in my lace bra. His eyes darken when he looks at me and I see him flexing his jaw.
“Gods, you are bewitching.” Then his mouth is on me again before I even have time to digest his words. He lets go of my lips and starts a path all the way down to my collarbones while his hand caresses one of my breasts through the bra.
I sit up slightly and then my hand reaches to the back and unclasps it, grabbing and throwing it into the dark room. At the sight of my naked breasts he did not say anything. Instead he just made a low sound from his throat before letting one of his hands go up to one of my already perked nipples.
When he touches it I arch into his touch. “Baelor –” His name falls easily from my lips. As if he is not a stranger to me.
Then his mouth goes to it and an embarrassing loud sound leaves my lips, which makes him groan against my nipple. My hand goes to his suit jacket trying to pull it off him.
“You are wearing far too many clothes” I mutter and he smiles down at me, before letting go of my nipple and sitting up. He discards his suit jacket and my hand goes to the buttons of his shirt. As the last button is done and his chest is now bare to me I feel how the heat between my legs grows stronger. Beneath his calm composure, beneath the shirt of the man who had talked about his sons and how he had spent three hours researching the right clay for his pottery - he was ripped. I let my hands go up to it. Covered in dark hair that covers the toned muscles underneath it.
“Is this what puzzles do to a man?” I say which makes a laugh rumble in his chest and I feel it against my palm.
“No. But the gym does.” He takes my hand from his chest and kisses the knuckles. “Now lay back down, darling. I am far from done with you.”
I do what he says with his hands guiding me down back on the mattress. His lips went to my breast who had not yet received the attention of him. He listens to me moan as he swirls his tongue on the sensitive bud. Then he lets it go with a pop and lets his lip trail down all the way to my jeans. He puts his hand on the button but goes still - waiting to see if I will object. Instead, I put my hand on his and help him unbutton them. I lift my hips and he pulls the jeans off. When he sees me in the sheer fabric of my panties, where I had undoubtedly left a spot where I was soaked, he let out a raspy sound before kissing my thighs.
“Please sweet girl, please let me taste you” he whispered against the skin of my thighs.
“Yes.” The word coming through a breath and bucking my hip toward his face. “Please, Baelor I- ”
Before I finish my pleas he puts his teeth on the waistband of my panties, his fangs that sit in the corner of his mouth catches them and pulls them off my legs in a swift move. Once they’re off he does not waste a second before his mouth is on me. Letting his tongue explore the wetness that had been there since the bar and had gotten more of a problem each minute since then.
He lets his tongue and lips work my folds and my clit, he uses every sound I make as a guide to where I most need him. Occasionally I feel him whisper, without letting his mouth move away from me, words like Delicious, Fucking perfect, My sweet sweet girl, spilling out of him as he takes me apart.
Then he pushes a finger in, stretching me while his mouth’s sole focus is now on my clit. I pull on the grey hairs on his head. While moans and praises fall from my lips - there was no use of holding them back. When he adds a second finger there is a tightening coil in my stomach, that only gets tighter and tighter as his fingers move fast and he sucks harder down on me.
“I-I-m close” My words come out between my moans. He does not answer me with words. Instead he keeps his pace and I come undone on his face and fingers.
While I try to catch my breath he kisses up my body until he reaches my neck where he buries his face. He leans over me and against my thigh I can feel him - hard and ready.
“I need you” I whisper into his hair. He pulls back his face from my neck - searches in my eyes for any hint of doubt, he finds none. He pulls back and works his belt and I help him with more eagerness than precision.
When his pants and boxers are gone I can see him fully, dark trimmed hair around his thick length with precum already leaking from the red tip. My breath hitches slightly at the sight. When I look up at him, he is already staring at me.
“Do you see what you do to me?” he asks while one of his hands goes to my hair, stroking it back from my face. Then he closes his eyes and lets out something between a laugh and a breath. “ Please tell me that you have condoms because it’s been so long I do not -”
“My purse.” I say, because seeing how ready he was for me made me not want to waste another second of him not being inside of me.
He rushes to get my purse and holds it out for me, I dig the small foil packet out of it and rip it open. Instead of giving it to him, I am the one who rolls it on - an action that makes the muscle in his abdomen tense.
When he enters me he does it slowly, while keeping his eyes on mine. He pushes in until he is buried inside of me. The tip presses exactly at the spot where I need him the most. The feeling of him becomes so overwhelming that I close my eyes shut. Which makes him place one of his hands on my jaw.
“No, no, sweet girl look at me” When my eyes open I see his darkened ones and he groans at the eye contact. “There we are, you’re doing so good. Taking me so well” He says, while starting to move inside of me.
One of my hands goes down to his lower back, pressing him in even deeper while also lifting my hips to meet his thrusts. The other hand has found its place on his chest hair, fingers pulling on the dark strands.
He takes hold of the hand that is placed on his chest and puts it instead next to my head on the mattress - lacing my fingers with his while letting his hips meet mine at a quickened pace.I look at him, eyes still staring at me and then I pull him down for a kiss, capturing his lips in mine and then he hits hard at just the right spot - causing me to bite his lower lip. He groans as soon as my teeth make contact with it. Making an idea form in my head.
I let my lips travel from his, down his jaw and neck all the way to the pulse point on his throat. I kiss it, then drag my tongue and then suck on it - all while feeling him twitch inside of me. Then I bite him. He lets out a whimper - honest and raw- followed by him pulling me back up to kiss me and slamming his hips with a force that caused the mattresses to sink so deep I could feel the bed frame underneath my back.
Everything he does, each movement, each look and each sound that escapes him along with the sound of our bodies meeting is all too much. I know that I won't be able to last long, and Baelor can feel it.
“Let go darling, I have you.” He whispers in my ear while one of his hands goes down to where our bodies are joined, rubbing it in the exact pattern he had taken note that my body enjoyed, making me reach my second peak. It is harder than the first and as I am clenching around him - he can no longer hold on. He buries himself to the hilt while dropping his face to my neck and groaning my name while spilling into the condom.
We lay like that, catching our breaths together. Me running a finger along his spine, and him giving small kisses to my neck. Then he lifts up his head and kisses me again, softer than the ones before, before pulling out slowly.
“Stay there, love” he says and goes away from the bed. I close my eyes and hear him moving his feet across the apartment.
“Here” I look up and in his hands are a damp cloth and a t-shirt. I take the t-shirt he is offering while he tenderly cleans me using the cloth. When he is done he throws the cloth in the laundry bin, while also walking to the drawer to pick out a new pair of underwear for himself. The t-shirt he picked out for me is soft when I put it on my body, it smells like laundry detergent but also of him. After putting it on, I look up and see him staring at me from across the room.
“You okay there?”Raising my eyebrows at him while letting my lips form into a smirk.
“Please stay the night.” The words escape him it seems because then he shakes his head and a blush creeps up on his cheeks. “I only mean - I know it is not - I know this is a one time thing but I - I want you to stay. I want to make you breakfast in the morning.” He looks at me like I am about to reject him. Say that this was just something to cross off my list and then leave in the middle of the night. He could not be more wrong.
“I’d love to stay” I whisper while reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze.
“Good. That is good” He squeezes my hand back.
That night I fell asleep in a stranger’s arms. But it does not feel that way. There is a pain in my chest when I think that this is all it is. Tomorrow we will say goodbye and all I have will be the memory of this night. But then, if this was all I was getting - I had to cherish every second I got with him.
…
When I wake I cannot help but notice how the other side of the bed is cold. I am still wearing his t-shirt that smells like him, but out from the hallway I can smell something else - bacon frying.
I let myself slowly walk out into the apartment. In the daylight I could now see more clearly that this was no ordinary apartment. This was an apartment that I had only seen on those trash reality real estate shows where they did drone shots of every property.
Baelor is stood wearing only a pair of dark grey sweatpants by the stove. On the kitchen table he has already placed plates, glasses and what seems to be a hotel breakfast buffet. There is a fruit platter, a stack of pancakes, some greek yoghurt, eggs and three loaves of bread.
“Good morning” I say while stopping a few metres away from him. He turns and looks at me, his eyes travel down to where his shirt stops at my thighs, then back up at me.
“Good morning. That looks better on you than me” Then he turns back to the bacon on the stove.
“You do know it is only you and me that are eating breakfast, right?”
He puts the last strip of bacon on the plate after patting some grease away from them. When he turns back to me his cheeks are flushed and his eyes refuse to meet mine.
“I didn’t know what you liked,” he shrugs. I walk closer to him. It felt more intimate to do it in the daylight. Like standing close was somehow bigger of a step than anything that transpired the night before.
When I am standing close to him I lean up and press a kiss to his cheek and then give his arm a squeeze. “Thank you, Baelor. This is one of the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, I think” He looks at me then, while letting one of his hands tuck a piece of my hair away from my face.
“Of course.” he whispers before taking a breath and stepping back. “Coffee? Tea? Or I have an espresso machine so maybe a cappuccino?Latte? " He goes back to the kitchen counter while opening cabinets.
“Regular coffee is fine Baelor” I smile while taking a seat at the table, looking at the spread he has put out. From the round fluffy pancakes to the freshly cut fruit. “How long did all of this take?”
“Not that long” he said while handing my cup of coffee and then sitting down in the seat across from me. “Besides, I do not mind it” Then he smiles at me, his eyes creasing and I swear I wished I could kiss every crease and wrinkle on his face.
When we both start to eat the beyond delicious breakfast he had prepared, my eyes go around his apartment. It was truly remarkable, designer furniture filling the space. Yet on the desk and the fridge there were photos, postcards and small stoneware things he had properly made himself.
“I’m sorry, we have to talk about it” I say and put down my coffee cup. He looks up with me, a piece of bacon in his mouth that he swallows and then he nods. “What is this apartment? I mean what - how - can this even be real?”
My question catches him off guard causing him to laugh while dabbing with a napkin at his mouth. He shifts in the seat, putting one leg over the other and putting his hands in his lap. “It is real. I assure you that.”
“Yeah but…what do you do for work? Are you like some fancy drug dealer? ”
His smile falters for a minute, his eyes going from me down to the table where he slightly adjusts his plate. “I am a CEO of a tech company.”
My eyebrows shoot up, usually that was something someone would mention rather early upon meeting someone. I want to comment on the fact that he had not told me about it. That he had sat all last night while I spoke of grading papers and about how AI had completely stumped the students' learning - all while he was the CEO of a tech company. But the way he had said it, as if it was a confession, showed me that there was something delicate in the matter for him. That perhaps it was not something that I could joke or tease about.
“How did you get into that?” Is the question that falls from my lips instead. “I mean was it the leadership or the tech part of it that got you there?”
“Well,” he says taking a sip of his coffee. “It was the family business part, along with it basically being written on my birth certificate that got me into it.”
“I see” I pick up a strawberry and take a bite of it. “Do you like it?”
“It is all I have ever known. But I do quite like it. Being able to make a difference of sorts. Being a good leader.” Then he claps his hand together and looks at me with that crooked teeth smile. “And what got you into teaching? You never told me”
“Not a family business” earning a laugh from him as I placed my hand on my coffee cup, focusing on my fingers against the ceramic instead of him. “There are two answers really, one that I usually give and then the real one” I let my eyes travel up to him where he is sitting. The morning light cascading on his face, highlighting his mismatching eyes as they gazed upon me - soft and waiting without any pressure. I clear my throat. “I usually tell people that it’s because I did some tutoring when I was younger and enjoyed seeing things fall into place for the student. It's true, but it is not why I chose teaching as a career. The real answer-” I hesitate. I never told anyone this because it felt embarrassing. Because often when they asked it was to mingle, and they simply wanted a short answer and then move on. Baelor did not seem like that is what he wanted, he seemed like he genuinely was curious for my answer.
“The real answer is that I heard another student tell a teacher that he should have chosen a different job with higher pay. That he should have become a doctor, a lawyer, a politician or any other high paying job. The teacher turned around, he was not upset or hurt by the words. He simply asked the boy who had said it ‘ And who was it that taught the doctor about biology? Who was it that taught the lawyer how laws were made? Who taught the politician about economy and geography? Was it not a teacher?’” As I recall the memory, the feeling of pride of my profession settled in my chest. I remembered it all clearly. On the days where the students did not listen. When it felt like most of my job was to tell things to people who did not care, all while getting paid too little - I had to think back to that moment.
I cleared my throat, while my eyes are on my fingers who are now tapping slightly against the coffee cup. “I think it made me realize that as a teacher I could truly make a difference in the world. I could be a part of something bigger …if that makes sense”
The words are followed by silence, then his hand comes from across the table. His fingers touching mine, I look up at him where he is sitting across from me.
“It makes sense,” he says in his low and smooth voice.
I let my fingers caress his. Wanting to stay in this moment. Wanting to talk more. Wanting to eat the breakfast he had prepared for me. Then my stupid phone rings from the bedroom.
The two of us look up, knowing I should go answer it, knowing we should let go. Still, I wait a few seconds before finally removing my fingers from his and running to answer it, closing the bedroom door behind me.
It’s Kiera. She does not sound like her usually happy and bubbly self - that is when I realize.
“Shit I was supposed to have brunch with you” I say as I realize that before I went out and took my glass of wine, me and Kiera had made brunch reservations.
“Yeah, you were. Where the fuck are you? I’m outside your door and my knocking seems to not do anything?”
“Oh. That might be because I did not sleep at home last night. And I am still not home.”
I have to remove the phone from my ear when she lets out a high pitched scream. I sighed while already picturing my neighbour Margaret giving me a lecture about respect and neighbourly consideration.
“Are you kidding me? Did my brave sweet girl have a cheeky little one night stand?” My cheeks go red at her words, but I cannot help but smile despite it.
“Fuck off.”
“Well, my dearest, you are forgiven. Go get some morning dick and call me later with the deets okay?”
After we hang up, I take a moment to breathe before going back out to Baelor. When I come back out he is still sitting at the table. However, now he has his phone in his hands and a pair of glasses on the tip of his nose as he is reading something on the screen. When he hears me coming, he moves the glasses to his head and puts down the phone.
“Everything alright?”
“Yeah, just my friend.” Then I look at his phone. “And you?”
“Yes. Or no…it is my youngest. He is -” He lets a hand drag through his beard. “He is a first year at uni and he apparently had a bit too much to drink last night. Had a fight with his friend.” He shakes his head and then looks down at his laps, where his fingers twirled with the rings he wore even this early in the morning.
“Is he alright?” Something about my question makes him snap his head up to me, then the edges of his mouth curls up just a little bit.
“Yes. Just a bit…shaken up.”
I know what I have to say after that. I know what conclusion we have both already reached now that breakfast was finished and our real lives started seeping into our morning. I know what was going to happen - but that did not mean I liked it.
“You should call him” I say and let my eyes fall to the floor when I continue. “And I should probably head out.”
“Yes,” his voice was low and deep when he said it. “I-” He starts but he does not finish. Instead he starts clearing the table and I head to the bedroom to change and gather my things.
When I stand in his door, there is a silence between us that carries a weight I wish would disappear. Last night and even this morning neither of us felt the need to fill the quiet. We could be silent and comfortable. This was not that. There was nothing comfortable about the silence that took place in the distance between us.
“Thank you” I say and give him a smile - although it feels wrong on my lips. “For last night and breakfast. I had a really nice time.”
“Me too” He says, and I see how his throat bobs while he is standing in front of me. “I’ll call -” He stops himself and we both let out shallow laughs. “I guess I won’t”
“Yeah,” I say, hoping my voice did not showcase how illogical the pit in my stomach felt at his words. “It was nice meeting you. I hope your son is gonna be okay.”
“Thank you.”
My hand goes to the door handle and I turn it but then his hand is on mine. We both look at each other and then his lips are on mine again. He tastes of coffee and strawberries - sweet and bitter. Everything we cannot say. As our lips press together, I let myself get caught in the intoxication that is him.
When we pull apart, he leans his forehead against mine. “Goodbye, sweet girl” he whispers.
“Goodbye”
That night when I sat at home alone in my apartment I pulled up my notes app and crossed off the two items on the bucket list. When I crossed off Have a one night stand I hated myself for getting teary eyed while doing it. I hated myself even more when I talked to Kiera about it. I told her everything, except his name and his work and the fact that he had sons - some things I wanted to keep to myself. When I had told her everything she simply gasped and then she uttered a sentence that broke me.
“You had the best night and sex of your life and now you’ll never see him again - how crazy is that?”
And I responded with some empty white lie, while feeling completely wrecked and devastated - and Gods how I hated myself for being so pathetic.
…
2 months later
I did try to go on dates after that night. But each date always ended up with me back in my apartment, calling Kiera and giving both her and Valarr a debrief on one of the worst moments of my life. If one sought after a humiliation ritual, one only needed to be in the modern dating market.
Due to my date life being a train wreck it led to me always ending up alone in bed. Some nights, far too often then I would like to admit, there would be a heat between my legs. Those nights were spent with my fingers working myself while thinking back to that night with Baelor - remembering each sound and sight I had experienced.
Kiera thought I was hopeless, which I was truth be told. Her idea to cure my hopelessness had been a night out with me, her and her boyfriend Valarr. The premise of the night had been that they would be my wingmen, and that I would totally not be a third wheel. I was stupid enough to believe that premise.
It is well past midnight when I realize that the love birds are far too drunk to continue this nightout. Besides, I had grown tired of sitting next to them while they made out sloppily on the seat next to me.
We stand outside the club, them swaying together and me with my arms crossed to keep the cold from completely killing me. Valarr had called his dad who had promised him that he could give us all a ride home.
“Are you sure he is on his way, Valarr?” I say while looking out on the street - besides having no clue what Mr. Targaryens car looked like.
“I’m sure. My dad is just a very law-following driver. He is coming.” He says this before peppering kissed down Kiera’s neck.
“And then we will drop you off first” Kiera says while giggling at her boyfriends affection.
A few minutes later the car pulls up and I look up at the sky to do a silent prayer in my head. However, it seems that whatever listened has a weird sense of humour.
He stands there, frozen, while Valarr stands next to us - introducing us. Luckily, both him and Kiera get into the car and do not notice how the two of us are staring.
“Hi” I let out while still trying to puzzle the pieces together.
“Hi” Baelors voice is rougher than I remembered it ever being that night. “I-”
“Dad! Come on! Kiera is not doing well” Baelor is about to protest when Valarr interrupts him. “Unless you want your leather seats to be covered in throw up”
At that we are both moving toward the car - he jumps into the driver’s seat and I jump into the passenger seat.
“Where to?” Baelor says while pulling out into the street. I am about to give him my address when Valarr tells him to drop them off first at his place. When I turn to throw him a look he shrugs at me.
“Kiera is not doing well.” His hand dragging a hand over her head while she slept against his shoulder. “Besides, I think the two of you would get along. You’re both some of the smartest people I know. A car ride together won't be that bad.”
After that the conversation dies, the only sound coming from the radio. Valarr has no idea of the tension in the front - completely occupied by his drunken girlfriend. I let my feet tap along to the music that is playing, and in the corner of my eye I see Baelor tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.
“It’s a good song” I say, quiet so that only he can hear.
“Yes. A very good song.” He says and keeps his eyes on the road
Then the conversation dies again as we pass a few streets. Then suddenly Kiera makes a sound that is somewhere between a screech and yawn, causing Baekor to swear under his breath. She puts either hand on both of the front seats.
“Are you two getting along?” she asked in her sugar sweet tone. Then she decided to completely destroy me. “Just be careful, Mr Targaryen, my best friend here recently had a one night stand with a man your age.” After sticking a dagger in me without knowing it, she settles back into Valarrs shoulder.
“No shit, really?” Valarr asks.
“Yep,” Kieara answers, and then she decides to twist the dagger. “Was apparently the best sex she ever had.”
In that moment I wish that we would crash or that the leather seats would just swallow me whole. Instead my cheeks flush red and in the corner of my eye I see Baelor smiling - but staying silent.
For the rest of the car ride to Valarr’s place, I looked out the window and tried very much not to think about what had been said. Although it was impossible because every now and then Valarr would bring it up and would even want details. Thankfully, Baelor always stopped him. “Do not make your friend uncomfortable” he would say. It was nice that he shut it down. Reasonably, that is all I should feel about it. That it was nice. I should not feel a pang of sadness that he referred to me as his son’s friend. I should not feel that. Yet I did.
When we drop off the drunk love birds, it is only me and Baelor left in the car. He does not pull out into the street at once. Instead he drums against the steering wheel.
“So,”
“Shut up.” I say, which brings out a laugh from him. “I am going to kill Kiera.” Then I look at him where he sits, a street lamp shining through the dark night making his eyes look darker. “ I did not know that you were –” I trail off.
“Valarrs father?” He finishes for me and I nod. “ I did not know Kiera was your best friend.” He adds, then he clears his throat. “ Type your address into the GPS. It’s getting late.”
I type it into the car’s built-in GPS-system. When he pulls out into the street, I wonder if this is it. If we simply endure this car ride and then nothing more will come of it. Then he speaks again.
“How is the list going?” He asks while still keeping his eyes on the road. “Cross off any other items?” In his question I hear genuine wonder.
“Yeah, you are looking at someone who went to her very first salsa class”
“Salsa? And how did that go?”
“Terrible. But I did it.”
The conversation quickly falls into the same flow we had on that night. Him discussing how he had almost lost his mind doing a jigsaw puzzle - and then it turned out the manufacturer had not included one of the pieces. I tell him about having started writing again - small scribbles, but a start. It was easy. Not like with the guys I had gone on dates with. I did not need to think about each word I said. I did not need to analyze every word he said. We could just be.
When we arrive outside my apartment, the only voice comes from the GPS - a digital tone letting us know we have arrived.
“So this is me” I say it but I do not move out from my seat.
“Yes. It is” He says, his hands dropping from the steering wheel. One landing close to me, not so close that we touch but close enough that I can reach him if I want to.
“You know,” my voice comes out smaller than I intended while I let my pinky touch his hand. Then I put down my hand with the palm up - an invitation for him. “You could always come up for tea.”
He places his hand in my palm, squeezes it. His mismatched eyes meet mine while his voice comes out smooth and deep.
Notes: English is not my first language. Constructive criticism is always welcome! I do not own any pictures or characters - SJ
Warnings: Age gap relationship. Unspecified house. Disordered eating. Grief. Mentions of suicide attempt. ANGST (let me know if I missed any)
Word count: 4.8k
Masterlist (with previous parts)
Part 7 - No easy solution
Days pass and I spend them asleep, dreaming of running across meadows with Roman and swimming in lakes. When I wake - if one could even call it that - it is only for a few seconds and my eyes can barely open. The only thing I am aware of is the warmth of the broth they give me, as well as the coolness of the milk of the poppy.
I can hear voices. Mostly what I believe are the Maesters, but sometimes there are others. Due to my state I cannot quite make out them. But I hear words being read to me. Old histories. Once I do not believe I have read before, but once I wish that I can read when I am out of this dizzy haze.
Sometimes, I can feel someone gently caressing my hand. I try to feel who it is. Try to move my fingers but I cannot. After each attempt I fall back into the dreams with Roman. Back to the memories before I went to that dreadful tourney.
The first thing I am aware of is that the ceiling is bright. But it is clear, not blurry, and it is not a dream or memory - it is real. Then, I feel it. My body is not aching. It does not feel weighed down. I try to lift up one of my fingers. When I see it lift, a small smile takes place on my lips. A breath escapes me and the sound is raspy and it scratches my throat.
My eyes scan the room, the morning light cascading in through the window. Then I see him. I see him sitting there , sleeping upright with a book in his hand. I can barely register the fact of him sitting there next to me before the door opens and one of the Maesters steps in and sees me awake.
He walks with heavy steps to my side to check on me. His steps echoing off the walls, thus waking Baelor up. He shifts to sit upright and then our eyes meet. His gaze is wide but then softens - the way eyes can only do when one exhales a breath they have been holding for a long time.
The Maester continues his check up and speaks about my health. The thing he underlines and insists on is me needing to eat more. I only nod at everything he tells me. Behind him I see Baelor, listening to everything the Maester is saying. Each time the Maester mentions how frail my body had become I could see his jaw clench ever so slightly.
The Maester leaves and assures me that he will be back shortly to make sure I am stable - and to give me some actual food along with the broth.
As the door closes behind him, the room falls silent. My eyes fall to my hands in my lap. Still feeling an unreasonable amount of pride each time I was able to move my fingers.
“You worried me.” His words are careful, his voice strained as if it pained him to hold them on his lips. “For a moment there when you collapsed I- I thought that the worse had happened.” The words land in my chest. Something between shame, guilt and yet somehow also frustration.
“I did not think you would care” The words make him let out a small gasp - as if I had struck him.
“How could you think that?” His words make me let out a rough laugh. Not one born out of joy, but one born out of pain and resentment.
“How could I think that? Because you made it clear that you only saw me as a young girl tricking you. Because you said I was, how did you put it, a woman with no prospects of a betrothal. Because you and everyone else made plans for my betrothal ceremony and my future without ever checking to see if I had an opinion. I am not wanted here. At least not by you. So don’t you dare stand there acting surprised when I tell you I did not think you cared for me. Not when you have made it perfectly clear that you do not.”
My lips tremble around the last words. Behind my eyes I feel tears begging to fall. I do not let them. I do not wish to cry in front of him.
“I have been a fool” His voice cracks and he shakes his head. “I should have talked with you after that evening in the rain. I should have talked with you when I noticed you were not well.” He pauses to look at me and it is then I see the deep and dark bags under his eyes. “There are many things I wish that I could have handled differently when it comes to you. But the one thing I desperately wish that I could change - the thing I regret with each passing breath- is making you feel unwanted.”
I let out a sound and I do not know if it is a sob, a laugh or a breath. I just shake my head as I try to make sense of his words. Before either of us can speak again a knock is heard.
Of all the people I expected to see in the doorway, Prince Maekar was not one of them. He looks between me and Baelor. He clears his voice and adjusts his stance, an uncomfortable shift one only does when having interrupted an emotionally charged conversation.
“I am sorry, my lady. He was already bothering the maester and then he heard the other maesters discussing you being awake. Which made him insufferable and I thought it would not hurt to bring him here.”
Before either me or Baelor can ask whom it is Maekar is referring to, Matarys comes into the room. He stops when he sees me sitting up, awake. He does not speak, he only stares at me. He stares as if he stops looking - I will vanish.
“I am alright” I reassure him. He takes a few steps closer, still not speaking. It is only when he has reached the side of the bed that he lets out a small whisper.
“I missed you” As soon as his words land in the space between us, I open my arms.
“Come here, little prince” He wastes no time before letting me embrace him. “I missed you too” I say into his hair.
I look up from his locks and see how Maekar and Baelor are looking at each other. Speaking in a silent language that develops when you grow up beside one another, learning what each glance means.
“I was really scared” Matarys voice, barely even that of a whisper. The weight of his words break something in me.
“I know. I am sorry. But I am alright now” It is not entirely true, yet not entirely false. My body did not feel the same exhaustion it had before. Most likely to them feeding me while I was sedated.
He is the one to break away from the hug, he sniffles while wiping his nose.
“They said you need to eat more.”
“Yes.”
“I will make the kitchens bake honeycakes, or lemon tarts or anything else you wish.” His solution was naive - it was after all, a child’s solution to an adult issue. In his world if one needed to eat more, one could simply indulge in sweet treats and good food. The real issues were far more complicated than that. However, I would not be the one to teach him that. Not yet. The world would teach its cruelty and complexity to him soon enough, it did not need me to further hurry along the process.
“That sounds good.”
“Matarys.” Baelor’s voice makes the two of us look up at him. “The maester will be waiting. Your history lesson cannot be delayed even more than it already has been.”
A frown forms between Matarys’ brow. Before he voices his protest I speak.
“You should go, Matarys.” While gently fixing his auburn locks into place. “History is one of the more interesting subjects. Besides, I will still be here after your lesson. I am not leaving.”
As the last four words are said, his frown disappears. He agrees to go and Baelor follows him out. Baelor, however, stops before closing the door. He turns toward me and as he does I turn my gaze away. I did not wish to see him any more.
The door closes behind them. But I am not left alone, Prince Maekar is standing by one of the windows and looking out at the grounds beneath us. He is watching it while letting one of his hands drag back and forth through his silver beard.
“My prince?” He turns away from the window and instead looks at me while pursing his lips - words trying to form on them.
“I wanted to apologize” He sighs after he says them. It is clear that those words were not often used by the prince. Which is why I felt slightly ashamed when I did not know why he apologized to me.
“For what?” I ask him and my question makes him sigh once again while closing his eyes.
“For…” he inhales a long breath. “For giving the deadly blow to your brother. However I assure you, it was in the name of the trial. At that moment we were not men - we were knights fighting on a battlefield.”
Oh.
I had blamed my father, myself, the Gods and plenty of others for Roman’s death. Yet, I had never even thought of blaming Maekar. It seemed unreasonable. Prince Maekar did what he did to support his son. He and Roman were knights on the battlefield - pawns on the board, not the makers of the games.
“I accept your apology” I had never spoken quite so stiff and plainly when apologized to. Yet, Prince Maekar seemed like a man that would appreciate the practicality of it - that the whole matter would be approached in a more tactical sense than that of an emotional one.
“Good.” He says and nods. I expect him to leave after that, but he stays. Eyes wandering around the entire room - except for me.
“Was there anything else you wished to discuss, your grace?”
He looks at me again, violet eyes seemingly assessing the moment. He waves one hand toward the door.
“The boy - Matarys - he cares for you.”
“I care for him too. He’s a good boy.”
“Valarr cares for you as well” He states.
“I care for him as well” A smile graces my lips for i had never seen Prince Maekar -The Anvil- Targaryen look quite so stiff and unsure.
“My brother cares for you.”
The smile falls and along with it my gaze. His words leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
“He has a peculiar way of showing it” The words, said through gritted teeth for I did not have the energy - or the motivation - to hide my irritation.
“Pec-” He interrupts himself and pinches the bridge of his nose while taking a deep breath. “My brother - your betrothed - spent every day at your side while you recovered from - “He does not finish his sentence. “You made them all worried, my lady, and I need to know you will not make them worry again.”
His face is stern as he makes his statement. Beneath his frowns and continuous insistence of being a cold and firm man - Prince Maekar cared deeply for his family.
“I did not mean to worry them.”
“And yet you did”
His words make me feel younger than I am. Like I was not a woman sitting in that bed, but a child that had been caught misbehaving and was now being scolded for it.
I had not meant for my own suffering to cause anyone else pain. Let alone the people I cared for - not even those where I believed my care was unrequited.
“I will try not to make them worry like that again, my prince.” Soft yet certain words. Seeing Matarys that evening by the pond, terrified as I stood in the water, was enough to make me want to try and keep that promise.
“And you will consider speaking with my brother?”
That made me scoff at him. “What business is that of yours?”
The words seem to completely erase the cautious man that had stood before me mere minutes ago. The one who had carefully picked out the words for an apology to his brother's betrothed. Instead, his usual frown came back as he rolled his eyes at me.
“Oh fuck me, you’re just as stubborn as he is.”
With that he shakes his head and mutters out a goodbye as he leaves the room.
…
There are no quick-fixes in life. That was something that became increasingly clear the next few days that came. There is no easy solution to settle the pain that does not come from a skin deep wound. No, when the pain is from somewhere deeper it does not simply go away.
I still felt exhausted at times. Sleeping far more than I had ever done. Sometimes when Matarys or Valarr visited me and I laughed, it was later followed by a pang of guilt. Because I realized I had forgotten that Roman was gone - all while I was laughing and feeling joy.
Food and eating was harder and more frightening than I would ever admit to anyone. However, Lyonel - who was still here until the wedding - often came to eat with me. He never made any comments about the food - his or mine. If I ate less or more than the day before. He simply sat next to me, discussing things as if nothing had changed. Each time we ate together there was a gratefulness I felt that made me sure I would always make space for him in my life.
There was also a noticeable difference when it came to planning my future. The betrothal ceremony had been entirely done without my insight. Now, I had people asking for my opinion on flowers, food and seating arrangements - everything and anything that involved the day of mine and Baelors wedding. Sometimes it all felt too much, but then I simply had to ask someone else to take over and they handled it. It made the wedding seem less daunting and caging than the betrothal ceremony. It made the future feel less like something happening to me and more like something I had a part in.
Then there were the things that I tried to ignore. It started small. The wine I had once complimented was now the only wine I was served - without even having to ask for it. The maids no longer drew me warm baths - only cold, just the way I liked it.
One day I walked into my chambers and found that on the small writing table there was now a pile of books. I did not recognize some of them but there was one I was all too familiar with - the one with the shepherd prince. At first I did not read any of them. I had planned to let them collect dust. Then curiosity won and I read them all - devoured them, actually. They were brilliant books. Some tales, some histories. All enchanting me completely - in the way that only books handpicked for you could.
Then came the day when I was in the gardens again. Walking around aimlessly when Matarys came running out. At first he discussed all of his insects again, the one he cared most for at the minute was a caterpillar he claimed could understand him. Then in the middle of discussing his profound bond with said caterpillar his face lit up.
“You have not seen it!” He then took my hand and I followed, a caterpillar that had bonded with a prince must be something to see.
When I felt the scent of citrus, I wanted to turn around. But then I felt the other smell that accompanied it - one far more floral and familiar. Next to the lemon tree, which I had avoided ever since arriving at King's landing, was a cherry tree.
Matarys did not seem to notice that I dropped his hand. That I stood there silently watching the tree that was far more than a tree. He simply went up to it and on one of the blossoms he took down the caterpillar to show me.
“When did they put this here?” I ask him.
“The tree?” He shrugs his shoulders. “A day or two after you woke up.” Then he went into explaining his bond with this caterpillar - whom he had named Vhagar since ‘ that is the name she responded the most to’.
It was a silly thing to become so affected by a mere tree. But it was not just a tree. I knew that. Baelor knew that - despite me not wanting to reckon with that fact.
…
After a night of dreaming of cherries and lemon tarts I head toward the trees again - this time alone, with a book in my hand. When I arrive I stop in my tracks, as the bench is already occupied. Not by any prince but by Miria, my sister whom I had almost forgotten was here along with my parents.
“Sister” I say and sit on the far end of the bench. She greets me by my name, her eyes looking at the tree in front of us.
“It reminds me of the cherry tree back home.” She says, her voice not carrying its usual sharpness whenever she spoke to me.
“You remember it?” The tree and its fruit had always been mine and Romans - at least that is how I remembered it.
“Remember it? I was the one who showed it to you and Roman” she rolled her eyes at me before turning back toward the tree. “I simply obeyed father when he told me not to go back to it - unlike the two of you.”
I do not know how to respond to that. Her words did rekindle the memory of her showing me the tree. Of her later refusing to join us since father had told us not to go to it. Still, I did not know how to answer her. To be quite frank I never did know how to speak with my sister unless we threw sharp comments toward one another. So, I let silence speak for me.
The silence settles between us, as the breeze runs through the trees’ branches carrying with it the fragrance of its fruits and blossoms. We sat like that for a while, me reading my book and her simply enjoying the garden. It dawned on me then that I had not seen her in the garden before this.
“What brought you out here then, sister?” I ask her while gently closing the book, but not without letting a finger lay on the page I was on.
“Mother is tired.” She always was. “Father is busy.” He always was. “And since my own betrothal arrangements are put on hold since you are getting married to Prince Baelor. I am left to fend for myself”
“I am sorry” At my apology she turns her head sharply toward me and narrows her eyes - seeing if I am joking or not. I wasn’t. I knew that she had dreamed of getting betrothed and married ever since we were little girls. At the tourney it was close to happening. Then I kissed a prince by a lake in my shift and her life had to be put on hold.
“Well,” she rolls her eyes, and turns her head away from me. “It does not help that you also tried to drown yourself. A real inconvenience for the rest of us.” Her voice carries that of her usual judgemental tone. However, I see her jaw clenched and her eyes blinking away tears that seemed to form in them.
“I apologize for that” , my voice being soft and gentle. “Although I think I have been an inconvenience for you since the day I was born” This makes her laugh. It is short and shallow, but it is there.
In another life we would be able to sit there and speak plainly about the care we felt for each other. We would embrace and call each other “dear sister” without a sliver of irony. We would know how to speak to each other without thinking twice about it. But that was not the sisters we were. That is not the relationship we had. I was not the sister she wanted - she had made it clear many years ago. We were different. If we were not sisters we would most likely never speak to each other. But, with being born into the same family. Having to grow up next to each other and growing familiar with the same surroundings. It creates something there that cannot be denied. Even when you do not get along. Even if you would never be friends or even allies, you would be sisters - in this life and beyond it.
“I have not seen you and the prince together since you woke. I thought a betrothal meant courting each other.” Underneath her tone I could hear the curiosity.
“It does mean that.” That is all I say. Hoping she can hear the things I do not say. That it was complicated. That I had put my entire heart in his hands and he had let it fall from his fingers easily.
She looks at me for a few seconds before speaking. “I heard that he was the one who proposed the cherry tree to the gardener.” I stay silent. This was not news to me. I was too smart for it to be. “A prince does not plant the tree for just anyone, sister.” She says while sighing and standing up. “But if you’d rather believe that he would do just that. I cannot stop you from doing so” She says and leaves me alone with my book and the trees.
She was stating something I had already known. It started to become clear with the wine, the books, the sudden interest of my involvement in wedding plans and at last with the tree that now spread its branches in the gardens. However, I did not know what I wanted to do with it all. Or rather, I did not know what he wanted me to do with it all.
…
I did not seek him out. I did not ask for anyone to tell him that I now spend at least an hour each day sitting by the two fruit trees with a book. I did not wish to force his hand yet again. If he wished to come, to seek me out, I wanted him to do so on his own accord. It would not be difficult for him to find me. The fruit trees were not hidden. Besides, word traveled fast in the keep. If one sought after someone it was not difficult to follow the whispers straight to them.
So I am not surprised when on the third day, while I am reading about the Riverlands, he approaches me. Somehow, without looking up from my page I know it is him. He does not need to say anything or even come closer because I feel the shift around me. The light changing into a warmer shade and the breeze turning calmer around me.
“That is an excellent book, my lady” He says while clearing his throat. “It gets a bit slow in the middle, but then it finds its way back and it is all worth it.”
I close the book and look at him. Standing with his hands at his sides. They are not still - because his hands rarely were. He let his fingers move against his own palms in a repeating pattern, although he was most likely not conscious of this fact.
“You have not spoken to me in a fortnight, and that is what you lead with, your grace?” I surprise myself with the calm manner of which I speak the words. Not letting the nerves of seeing him again affect me.
“It was worth a shot” He says and offers me a small smile. “And it has been longer than a fortnight. Sixteen days and four hours I believe.” That makes my brows shoot up while I feel my pulse quicken.
“You have counted?”
“Yes.” His answer is quick, bearing no shame at all that he had counted - not only the days but the hours - since he last spoke to me.
“Why?” My voice is quiet, no longer carrying the calmness that it did mere seconds ago.
“Because I love you” He looks at me then, his mismatching eyes softened as they gaze upon me. “Because I cannot pretend any longer that I do not.” He falls silent before stepping closer to me, but stopping himself when he is still a few metres away.
“I thought it was a passing infatuation, something that would keep me warm for a day or two, and then disappear. I thought that nothing would come of it. But the more I know of you, the more I learn about you - the stronger my affection toward you has become.” He shakes his head as his voice cracks on the last syllable that passes his lips.
“I love you and I cannot deny it any longer. I cannot deny that you have occupied every thought and dream that takes place in my mind.” I see him try to move closer, but he does not. He looks at me, seeking permission to be nearer. I do not give it to him. Not when my eyes are stinging and a lump forms in my throat. Not yet.
“I know what I said. I know that I hurt you. I know that no words can mend that wound. I only wish for you to know that I do want you here - that I want more than that. However, if you do not love me back, or if you cannot forgive me…” He trails off slightly and shakes his head before continuing. “If you cannot be with me in the manner that I dream of…I will love you from a distance. If that is what you wish, my lady.”
Tears are running slowly down my cheeks, and my fingers are desperately holding on to the book in my lap - as if pressing onto it will give me the words to say to him. Like it would be able to guide me in what to do.
“I love you, Baelor.” I say and I can see him try to step forward but I put my hand up, stopping him. “ But love is not enough. Not anymore. Not after everything you said to me. ” When I look at him now, my vision is blurred. I can feel the weight of everything I have carried since Ashford come rushing back as I sat there on the bench.
“You reduced me and the moments we shared to nothing. The consequences of your words are not erased simply because you loved me while uttering them”
“I know” he closes his eyes while he says it in an exhale.
My eyes traveled from him to the tree that stood before me. Blossoms dancing in the wind while small red berries had started to grow.
I will love you from a distance
His words echo in my head. While I still feel the sting of the words he had said to me in the rain all those evening ago. How he had shattered me while I stood there soaking and shivering in the rain. A tree and piles of books does not dull the pain that I still feel from that day. But I would be lying to myself and the gods if I claimed it did not help.
“We cannot change the past, what has transpired is now written in the histories. Still,” I turn back to look at him while standing up from the bench. “We do have a hand in how the future plays out. Which means I am giving you a chance to make it right.” He lets out a sound, and I see his crooked teeth slightly before he quickly tries to regain his composure when he sees I am not finished. “ I am not saying I forgive you. I am not promising you that the wound can heal and that I can ever love you fully again.” I inhale deeply before continuing. “I am simply giving you a chance and, mayhaps more importantly, time.”
He mumbles my name and smiles at me while a tear escapes his brown eye. “It is all I ask for.”
Part 8
Taglist (let me know if you want to be added): @thorins-queen-of-erebor @qardasngan @thenafilms @shaaaemond @0lder-bro @straightstormylair @0-lavenderskies-0@leolionsthings @rosey1981 @depressedpolishgirl @asahinasstuff @kyvillasstuff @xkatherinexo @h-kitty-world @mylovejacaerys @noisybutterfly @ferchu1990 @xglittergoddess @reanimatedinsanity @ivynotreally @white-olive @arkadiaphilosopher @beggarsnotchoosey @luvweezer @mimisa2000 @slutforkaz @vuvuvuzvi
Notes: English is not my first language. Constructive criticism is always welcome! I do not own any pictures or characters. I really do not know how I feel about this part.
Warnings: Age gap relationship. Unspecified house. Disordered eating. Depression. Grief. Self-harm. Suicide attempt. ANGST. You are responsible for the content you consume.
Word count: 5.9k
Masterlist (with previous parts)
Part 6 - Rest
The rest of the journey passes in a grey blur. Servants kept coming up to me with things and remedies that were ‘requested by the prince’, each time I turned them down. This meant getting a sore back and throwing up on every bump in the road. However, that was nothing to the feeling the crown prince had made me feel on that rainy evening.
When we finally arrive in King’s landing it is a cloudy day. The sun barely able to cast its rays down on the city. It made the castle look even more daunting and cold when we arrived. This would be my home. Cold, intimidating and with a smell coming in that reminded me of rotten fish guts.
Waiting for us by the castle doors there are two figures that significantly stand out. The first is a young woman - slightly younger than me. Her hair pink and done up in delicate braids. Her skin dark and glowing as if she did not have to be forced to endure the clouds like the rest of us - as if the sun spared a few rays only for her. It was Lady Kiera, Valarrs wife. Her eyes were focused on only one of us arriving - her husband. She ran up to him, crying and kissed him right there. He kisses her back - feverishly. As if he was a drowned man and her lips had the only oxygen left.
“They do that a lot.” says the second figure. A young boy with auburn locks of hair and a posture of a man, even though he could not be more than ten years old.
“Do they not tire of it?” I ask him as Valarr and Kiera is still kissing - refusing to come up for air.
“Sadly, no” The boy said in a serious tone before turning to look at me - up and down. “You are the lady marrying my father, are you not?”
I introduce myself properly and he does the same - Prince Matarys. This boy was the one nicknamed “The even younger prince”. Just like his brother and father there was no doubt that this boy had royal blood. His face was not that of a naive child but instead that of a composed and polite prince who had already learned the role he must play in politics and strategies. What a burden for such a young child, I think to myself.
“Can you and father please not kiss in front of me like that?”
The question is innocent. He is a child that has seen what marriage means, he knows what it entails and he simply thinks that me and his father shall behave that way as well. Why would he not? The marriage between his brother and his wife was arranged yet they were behaving like lovestruck fools. Despite all the tutoring to become a prince he had not yet learned that not all marriages looked like kisses and affection. Some were as cold as the castle that this prince was raised in.
“I will make sure we don’t, your grace.” It is the only thing I can think of to say. A promise that would be easy to keep as long as his fathers opinion of me did not change.
He gives me a firm nod before his eyes go behind me and it is then that his polite royal mask slips and instead reveals the young child underneath. He lights up and gives a big toothy grin. I do not need to turn to see who it is - Matarys’ smile is enough. A lump forms in my throat and I ask a servant to guide me to my chambers with the excuse of needing rest.
The excuse was not entirely false. My body felt frail the last couple of days. My appetite had worsened and whatever food I could get myself to eat usually did not stay down due to my motion sickness. My gowns hung more loose on my body than they had when we left Ashford, and I was tired. There was no sleep that could cure me of this exhaustion - not really. It was the kind of tiredness that rested in my bones as well as in my soul. It left me numb and still.
The chambers I was given were twice as large as the one I had back home. It was too big. Somehow it made me feel trapped. As the space around me became suffocating. As if the space shrunk me down and suffocated me.
I did not care to regard and study the details of the room. To be impressed by the imported sheets and furniture. Instead I simply laid down on the bed. Not being bothered to change into a shift or to pull out the pins in my hair. As my appointed chambermaids tried to help me I simply thanked them and asked to be left alone.
…
Hours passed as I laid and slept and woke in intervals. I did not dream. I did not think. For I was not really there. In reality I do not think I even left Ashford - not really. Mayhaps I drowned that morrow in the lake. Mayhaps all of this was my personal purgatory the Gods created to mock me.
“M’lady?” A young maid walked carefully into my chamber. “Dinner will be carried here to your room. The king has been notified by the prince of the strain the journey had on you.”
I only hummed and waved her away. Strain? Is that what the journey’s events had caused me? Nevertheless, I was relieved that I did not have to face them all tonight. Knowing what Prince Baelor’s thoughts of me were I did not wish to see in which light the rest of the royal house viewed me in.
Dinner arrives and I mostly poke at it all. But a cup of broth slides down easily, as well as a few bites of the lemon tart they had brought along. It was not a lot - but it was something.
Despite my tired bones, an urge to leave my chamber rose within me. As soon as I stood up however, I remembered that I did not know the way through this castle. Which meant walking around lost could very well mean that I would end up meeting someone I did not wish to.
So, I waited until the possibility of stumbling into someone unwanted decreased. I looked out of my window and saw how the night came alive in the city. Outside of my door the sounds of the castle became quieter as the night fell darker and in the hour of the wolf I left my chambers.
To learn your way through a castle is never easy. To do it in the dark with only a few candles in your hand was even harder. As I find myself wandering the hallways I realize that I do not even know the way back to my chambers. That was a problem I would have to deal with later.
I let my feet wander, while trying to make sense of the layout of my new home. In my head I try to count doors, keep track of rooms I passed and what the windows showed outside. Lost in my mental mapping I do not acknowledge the light that is coming from another candlestick.
Wide doe eyes meet mine. Prince Matarys is not a little prince at that moment. He is simply a young boy who should be in bed and is not - and is now afraid to be scolded.
“I see I am not the only one who could not sleep, you grace” A gentle smile while the white lie slips past my lips. I was not wandering due to insomnia. I did not even give sleep a chance to find me on this night.
He does not answer me, instead he simply relaxes and turns his gaze toward the portrait hung on the wall in front of him. I look at the portrait. It is a woman with hair like Matarys and the same smile as Valarr. I know who she is before he speaks.
“It is my mother,” he says in a soft and quiet voice. It is more of an affirmation to himself than an explanation to me. “Her name was Lady Jena Dondarrion.”
“She is beautiful.” Because she was. My eyes go to the young boy by my side. “And now I see where you got your hair from.” That makes his lips turn upward.
“Everyone says that. That I have her hair and laugh.” Then his smile disappears and he goes quiet for a few seconds before continuing. “I cannot remember her laugh.”
The words carry a weight that should not be on a child’s shoulder. There is shame in them. As if it is his fault that he does not remember. As if he is to blame for her not being there.
“That is understandable. You must have been very little when she passed.”
“I was. They say she used to sing me lullabies when I couldn’t sleep.” Then he looks at me, big eyes that now were slightly red and glassy. A lip trembling. “I do not remember that either.”
“Maybe you do” the words are whispered but they startle him as if I had shouted them. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand while his brows knit together. “I think, my prince, that some memories are not so easy to reach. Maybe one day something reminds your mind of those melodies and you will remember.”
The brows remained furrowed and his eyes narrowed. “Do you really believe that?” The words come from a boy surrounded by people who were eager to please the crown. People agreeing and saying anything to please the young prince. Authenticity and true words were the one thing that royal children lacked in their lavish lives.
“Yes, my prince, I do.” I clear my throat. “Once I forgot the name of a lord. I spent the entire night trying to remember his name - I could not for the life of me, and my brother made sure no one told me. Then, I drank a wine that had gone bad. It was awful, but the taste reminded me of a previous feast where the same thing had happened. The feast was held by Lord Waynwoods. That is when I recalled that the lord was Lord Waynwoods! “ The memory made me laugh as I recalled how Roman had made sure that no one even gave me the slightest hint of who he could be. “Some memories are dormant. We only need to wake them up, I think.”
He looks at me for a few seconds and then his brows stop being furrowed and he gives me a firm nod. “Okay.” Then as he turns back to the portrait a yawn escapes him.
“Should you not be back in your bed now? I am sure we can call some maids who ca-”
“No.” He interrupts me quickly. “They will only tell me the same boring stories I have heard all of my life and give me tea that tastes like dirt.” He then looks at me with big eyes. “Do you know any stories?”
“A few-” before I have the chance to answer him fully he has grabbed my hand and is pulling me toward the nursery.
“You must tell me!” He turns around, and stands still while his voice goes quieter and in the candlelight I can see how his eyelids are heavy “Please. It will help me sleep.”
“Alright, my prince” Because I could not say no to a child desperate for sleep and stories.
We arrive at the nursery - although he is adamant that it should not be called that anymore since he deemed he was far too old to still sleep in one. He points toward a chair in the corner where I can sit while he settles into his bed. He puts his hands clasped together in his lap and turns his head toward me - waiting.
“Well, what would you like to hear, your grace?” I ask him while settling into the chair.
“Something real.” Then he ponders for a moment before adding. “No kisses. No oceans.”
“No oceans?”
“I do not trust water. Too unpredictable” He says, speaking like a true Targaryen prince born out of fire.
I decided to tell him stories from my childhood. I tell him of the time that Roman tried to live in a tree - stubborn and certain that he could make it on his own. That he gave up on his life in the tree when an ant got into his hair about an hour in. I told him of when I snuck into the kitchen to bake a pie - succeeded only to leave a fire burning and causing the entire kitchen to go into flames. The stories I told him kept pouring out of me. Matarays was quiet but sat wide eyed and let out the occasional laugh. After a few stories I noticed that he was laying heavier against his pillow, and that by the end of one of them his eyes were closed and his breathing heavy.
“Good night, your grace”I say while carefully walking towards the door.
“Matarys.” he mumbles into the pillow. “Call me Matarys, my lady.”
“Good night, Matarys.” I correct myself and walk out of the nursery. As I close the door there is a smile on my lips. The smile then falters when I realize that I am not standing alone in the hallway.
“I came to check on him. He has trouble sleeping. Been that way since he was born.” Prince Baelor says, while doing the motion I had become familiar with - twirling his rings. “My lady I-”
“You spoke to me of remembering your late wife Lady Jena in fragments” My interruptions startles him, but he quickly regains his composure and nod. “Tell him of those fragments. He does not remember her. He needs you to help him. The good, the bad and the quirks you spoke of.”
With that I walk past him and intend to not turn back when he speaks.
“I believe your chambers are the other way, my lady” It makes me stop in my tracks. Then I straightened my posture before turning around walking past him again, as if he had not been the one guiding me the right way.
…
The next day the same young maid woke me up with a tray filled with food to break my fast. Looking at it made me nauseous. I only forced down some wine and some crumbs of bread.
After much insistence from the maid - Alya I learned - I let her draw me a bath and help me wash my hair.
“I can take care of myself, you know” I say to her, my knees pulled up under my chin in the bath.
“I have no doubt of tha, m’lady” She said while washing my scalp. “But even the strong ones need a helpin’ hand sometimes.”
She falls silent after that. Or she speaks and I simply cannot hear her. The water was warm. Too warm. I did not have the heart to tell her that I preferred it cold. Instead I let the warmth engulf me and hoped it would remove the exhaustion from me. It did not.
“Exploring the castle today, m’lady?”
“No.” My answer is direct and quite rude. I should feel ashamed. Yet I cannot feel it. I can not feel anything besides how my body just wants to rest and how the water is too hot.
“The gardens are lovely.” She says and then she adds. “Especially during the day when all the princes and lords are busy and cannot be there” She was an observant girl. I reckon you have to be to survive as a servant to the royal house.
“Then I shall explore the gardens. Thank you.”
…
The gardens were lovely. On the surface. It was better than the castle, but it was nothing like the gardens I knew back home. Everything was trimmed and tended to in a way that felt just as cold and still as the stones that made up the walls surrounding it.
I let myself drift and wander around on the pathway in the gardens. It did not take long before I felt the need to sit - my body already using as much energy it had to move me around. I see a bench and head toward it.
I smell it before I see it. The lemon tree. The reading spot he had mentioned all those days ago. I search for another bench with a pit in my stomach.
The other bench is near a pond - large enough that it could almost be considered a small lake. I sit down and let the wind breeze against my hair. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as my body sighs of relief to finally be anle to sit down. Then, footsteps can be heard on the gravel and I open my eyes to see Prince Valarr walking. Eyes on the ground, lips moving around whispered words to himself and his hair disheveled. When he comes closer, he looks up and his eyes widen as he sees me watching him.
“Oh. Hello” It is not the voice or manner with which I had come to associate Valarr with. He very often wore the mask of “The young prince”, and he wore it well. He was polite, calm, collected and always said and did what was expected of him.This Valarr seemed to be lost. I stand up and greet him properly.
“I am sorry if I bothered you, my lady” he says and makes a move to leave before snapping back to look at me while pointing. “Lady! You are a lady! A woman!”
“Yes. Quite perceptive of you” The words fall out without thinking too much. It was truly a humorous thing to see Valarr this way. The ever so polite Valarr was not practically yelling while pointing at a noble lady that she was: a lady.
He does not even seem to have heard my words. Instead he is simply pacing while chewing slightly on his fingernails. Then he stops and looks at me.
“I need help. And I do not know who to talk to about this, but you are a lady which means you might be able to assist or at least -” he is spiraling. He is pacing again and his words come out rushed and they all bleed together in the end.
I clasp my hands in front of me and give him a gentle smile.
“This is about Lady Kiera, I presume?” This made him stop his rambling and pacing. He nods at me.
I sit down on the bench again and with a pat on the seat next to me I urge him to sit down. He does and takes a deep breath before speaking.
“She says that I do not listen to her…But I do! I just do not agree with her. I mean this has happened before and she always -”
“What were you discussing when she said you did not listen?” I interrupt him before his rambling takes over.
He closes his eyes and puts his hands on his knees. “We discussed the seating for you and fathers betrothal ceremony. She mentioned the houses she deemed should sit close to the crown - I did not agree. That is when she said I did not listen to what she said. But I did.”
“I see.” I shift on the bench to look at him properly. “Might I ask, how did you answer her when she brought up her idea for the seating? Your exact use of words - if you can.”
“I said: That does not work. And then I said how it should be.”
“Did you explain why hers did not work?” He shakes his head. “I understand. This is quite a common miscommunication between men and women, in my experience.” This makes him light up - hope glimmering in his eyes. “Women are often dismissed, your grace. As soon as we offer an opinion it gets shut down and put aside without men even listening or considering it. Which means when you very quickly just simply said it did not work she-”
“She thought I was just another man dismissing her.” He looks at me and I nod. “What can I do to not give her that impression?”
“Can you see where she is coming from?” He says yes - and his voice cracks slightly on the word. “Then tell her that and then you can explain why it does not work.” He nods profusely and stands up.
“Thank you. This was most enlightening, my lady” And with that he leaves me on the bench.
…
After the garden I went back to my chambers to rest - a rest that was disturbed way too soon. That evening I was to meet the King and the queen. A supper with the royal house and mine. Which meant that I was to be fixed to seem proper in front of the royal eyes. The maids did what they could with the bags under my eyes and my complexion which was anything but glowing.
Arriving in the dining hall it did not take long until Lady Kiera approached me and embraced me in her arms. She thanked me for speaking with Valarr. When she broke from the embrace her gratefulness looked like it could explode out of her. She then went quickly to join Valarr by his side - but not without first leaving a kiss on his cheek.
In the periphery of my eye I see how a pair of mismatched eyes are watching me. Had been watching me since Lady Kiera approached me. I do not turn to meet them. Instead I simply await being greeted by the King and Queen.
The King is cautious with me, for there is no other way to explain the demeanor of this king who did not know what to make of this young woman in front of him. He had sent two of his sons to a tourney to gain political points and his heir brings back a young woman and a scandal. Despite this he asks me about my books, about my latest reads. I answer him, as truthfully as one can be to the ruler of the realm. His words in response are polite and quite surface level yet he smiles at me and does a slight bow of the head before he retreats.
Queen Myriah is not cautious. She looks at me with narrow eyes - now and again her eyes shoot toward Baelor before returning back at me. She puts two fingers under my chin and looks at my face. Her jaw is tense as her eyes shoot back and forth between my face and her son’s. Then a figure appears at her side.
“She is kind, grandmother,” Matarys says. This makes the Queen's eye soften as she hears her grandson's voice. “She told me stories when I could not sleep” At that she releases my chin and gently strokes the boy's auburn head of hair.
“That is good, my boy.” She says and then goes to her husband's side.
The rest of the supper feels like torture. My father answers every question directed toward me. They all plan my betrothal ceremony and do not wait for a second to hear my opinion. Yet the worst of it is the feeling of Baelor watching me. At one point our eyes meet, I see how they travel down upon my gown - once fitted perfectly against me - hanging loosely against my body. It only made me dig my fingernails into my hands. I simply picked at the food, only taking some crumbs of the bread. For the thought of eating in front of these people made me feel queasy.
For the rest of the few days before the ceremony I am thrown into preparations. Gowns fitted to me, traditions taught to me and their expectations explained to me.
To me. To me. To me.
Everything was done to me. Not with me or for me.
The only thing I had any control over was what I ate. Which by each passing day became less and less.
However, not everything about my days was excruciating. For an hour or two I would spend time in the gardens. Either alone or accompanied by Matarys who would spend the whole time catching various insects and then explain to me every single fact he had learned about them. Some of these facts did not sound like they were based on actual evidence or research - but he told everything with such excitement that I could not help but listen to it all. His unbridled joy and curiosity was the only thing that did not feel heavy during these days.
Then the betrothal ceremony came. When I stood there in front of the crowd in a dress that did not reflect me or my taste, everything was too much. The gown felt too tight. It was too hot. There were too many people. My eyes were on the hard stones when his hand brushed mine slightly while he gently whispered to me.
“I am here. You are okay.” I look up to his eyes, and he offers me a kind smile. It calms me, but not fully. Because underneath the calm I feel when I look into those deep contrasting eyes, I also know that he does not want this. He does not want me. Those eyes when they are looking at me see a performer.
I might admire how the light shines in his eyes, but those eyes hold no admiration for me.
…
The feast was alive with drinking, music and a menu with an amount of courses that I believe would’ve ended Flea bottom’s hunger. I ate none of it. I participated in none of it. I sat in my chair, smiled when I had to and dug my nails into my own palms to feel something other than the agony of being there.
Then the dancing began and I could no longer sit in the sidelines. It was expected that the two betrothed were to dance together for a song. Baelor stands up and offers his hand to me, I take it. It is warm and steady, and I feel how his fingers graze over the marks I have left with my own nails. He does not acknowledge it with words, instead he simply takes a proper hold of my hand and squeezes it.
When we dance I do not look at his face, I simply look sideways to the floor. Ignoring him even when his hands are on me.
“Matarys told me about how you helped him fall asleep with your stories the other night” he says as we sway along to the rhythm. “Valarr also told me that you gave advice to him regarding Lady Kiera. That you were most helpful.” He falls silent then, in a way someone only does when they expect an answer - he will not get one. When he realizes this, he clears his throat before speaking again. “They are very fond of you ”
“They are good boys.” My words are short but they need to be said. Despite my insistence of not speaking to Baelor, I held no hard feelings for his sons.
“They get that from their mother” He says the words in an attempt to be humorous but underneath it I hear the self-deprecation.
“They get a lot of good from you too” The sweet words taste bitter on my tongue. It was truly strange to still care for the feelings of a man who clearly did not care for me. Despite this strange feeling I continue to speak, while still not looking at him. “ Matarys wants to hear people’s true opinion. Not what they think he wants to hear, but what they truly think - just like you. Valarr may, just like you, use his politeness as a shield but that shield also protects those around him. He holds such care for each person that comes into his life, that one would think there is no space left - but it is like his heart grows. I believe he gets that from you as well.”
He does not answer me at first, instead I only feel how his body tenses slightly against me. Despite feeling like I may collapse if I turn to face him, I need to see if I have overstepped. So, I direct my eyes to him. His mouth is slightly agape and his eyes are wide as he looks at me.
“You have observed this in them, and in me, in such a short time, my lady?”
“I pay attention when I care for something, or someone” As the words leave my lips, the music comes to a halt. I curtsy and do not wait for him to react, not even to give me a bow. Instead I head for the terrace, while trying to breathe even though the neckline of my dress is sitting on my throat in a way that makes it suffocate me.
As I come out I walk straight up to the railing to put my hands on it while trying to ease down the air in my lungs. I do not know if someone else is out there. I do not know if someone saw me leave. I do not know what Baelor would have said if I had only stayed a few more seconds before running.
...
“You look like shit” His voice makes me turn around. Lyonel stands there with his signature goblet of wine in hand and mischievous smile. “This is why I do not stay too long in King’s landing, because one ends up looking like that”
His words are teasing but instead of answering back with a sly remark I simply stare at him and hum a response, before turning back to look out at the grounds beneath us.
“Seven hells, if I wanted a conversation like this I would have stayed inside and talked to your mother” I do not need to look at him to know his smile.
When I do not answer him he steps closer cautiously. Like I am a scared wild creature he does not dare to push too far away. He does not say anything else. He simply stands beside me.
“It should have been me.” I say after his silence had lulled me. “ It should have been me that died and Roman left in this world. He had more to live for. He had more life in him.”
Lyonel shrugs and in the corner of my eye I can see him flash me a small smile. “Yet the Gods favored you.”
“Fuck your Gods.” The words are accompanied by hot and angry tears. “If this is their favor, I do not want it.” Usually words like this would send Lyonel into religious lessons and accuse me of being a heretic. It seemed that he knew that this was not the time. Lyonel was, despite the face he often put on, not an insensitive man. In fact, he held many emotions and depths that he did not show the masses. It was why Roman had loved him. It was why he was my friend. One of the few that I let my own mask slip in front of.
“No matter how much you curse the Gods. No matter how much you try to shrink yourself. Roman is gone. You are here. You are marrying Prince Baelor. Those facts do not change.” He puts his hand on my shoulder but removes it when he sees me tense at his touch and words. “I do not say this to wound you any further. I only say it because acceptance is the only way forward.”
When he notices that I have decided to fall silent yet again he sighs and moves away from me. “There is a feast inside, my lady. You can join it or you can call it a night. Mayhaps ask a maiden to draw a bath for you. I only ask that you do not stay here, for I do not think it is aiding you in any way”
He leaves me standing there. A bath sounded nice. But not in a bathtub drawn by the maids, they would make it too hot - almost boiling my skin. No, my tired bones needed coldness that one could only find in a lake. My eyes fall down upon the garden and the glistening water of the pond. My feet are moving before I know it.
I only need a swim. I only need to freshen up. I only need some cold water.
I try to convince myself of these things as I am walking to the pond. Even though there is a feeling inside of me, a voice that is not totally mine telling me that those things are lies. Comfortable lies that hide the truth of why I am walking towards the water.
Roman is gone.
You are here.
Lyonel’s words echo as I move closer to the pond. Who decided these things? Who decided that Roman was gone? Who decided that I would have to accept a life without him? Accept a life being married to someone who saw me as a wretched whore? Accept that they all simply saw me as someone in the way of their politics? A young woman who tricked the prince and forced his hand?
As I step into the pond I do not remove my gown. I do not try to avoid the mud at the bottom of it, even though it makes my feet sink further down. Instead I welcome it. My bones are tired and need rest. Mayhaps at the bottom of this pond they would find it. Mayhaps I could change the reality that Lyonel said I had to accept.
I continue moving forward toward the centre of the pond, my feet sinking lower and the water rising higher. Then I hear it. The voice of a terrified boy screaming my name
Roman? Could it be?
I move further and as I come to the center the water embraces me completely. But before my eyes go down beneath the surface, the voice calls my name again. I catch the source of the voice. It is not Roman.
It is Matarys.
The sight of him sent a bolt of energy through me. It makes me realize what I am doing. I wake up from the desperate haze I was in. I push myself up. The mud holding my feet, the gown, now wet, heavy against my exhausted body. I push through it and run up to him where he stands at the edge of the pond with a red face and teary eyes. He is screaming my name in a wretched and raw tone of voice that no child should ever have to come to.
When I reach him I do not waste a second before embracing him, he clutches onto my gown and breaks down.
“I am sorry; I am so sorry; I am so sorry, little one” I do not stop saying it. I cannot stop saying it. The words leave my lips as he cries against my chest and his hands grip my soaked and muddied gown.
While my apology still runs from my lips I look up and see three figures looking at me -Prince Maekar, Prince Valarr and Baelor. They are walking toward us slowly, where I am sitting holding the little prince who is crying desperately against me.
Then suddenly my stream of apologies are interrupted as my breath hitches slightly and then I feel numb in my legs and arms while my vision becomes blurry.
Everything goes dark while my ears are ringing and my tired body collapses onto the ground.
…
All I can feel is two strongs arms lifting me up while my eyelids are trying to open - but they cannot. I try to move - but cannot.
”Rest. Rest now” his voice urges me, and I do.
I rest.
Part 7
Taglist (let me know if you want to be added): @thorins-queen-of-erebor @qardasngan @thenafilms @shaaaemond @0lder-bro @straightstormylair @0-lavenderskies-0@leolionsthings @rosey1981 @depressedpolishgirl @asahinasstuff @kyvillasstuff @xkatherinexo @h-kitty-world @mylovejacaerys @noisybutterfly @ferchu1990 @xglittergoddess @reanimatedinsanity
Notes: English is not my first language. Constructive criticism is always welcome! I do not own any pictures or characters.
Warnings: Age gap relationship. Unspecified house. Unhealthy consumption of alcohol. Grief. Baelor has feelings and do not know how to act. ANGST
Word count: 4.7 k
Previous parts: Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4
Part 5 - Nothing
As the servants scurry to pack my things before the journey I hide in Roman’s chambers. I ask that they do not disturb me unless it is an emergency. Which is why I am surprised and irritated when a knock is heard.
“I asked to be left alone” I say through the door. It creaks open and I turn, brows furrowed and a shout ready at my lips. Only to be met with Lyonel and his humoured smile.
“So this is where the future princess is hiding?” he tuts at me. “Not very princess-like, my lady”
I roll my eyes before turning my back to him and sitting down against the bed again. “ I am not in the mood, Lyonel.”
“So I have heard” He sits down next to me and pulls out a flask from which he takes a sip. “He would not have wanted this you know”
“Me marrying a prince?” I look down at my hands. I do not need to ask whom it is he is referring to. His presence followed me around wherever I went and did not need to be mentioned by name to be acknowledged.
“No. The hiding away. The not eating enough. The…nothing.” He says and bumps his shoulder with mine. “The dragon-marrying is what I take issue with. But since your brother was…” He trails off and instead of finishing his sentence he simply takes another drink from his flask. “I will be both at your betrothal ceremony - nice of Lord Ashford to pressure your father and the crown to arrange one - and your wedding.”
“Both? Have you gone mad? Lyonel Baratheon would willingly be in King’s landing for weeks to attend two royal festivities?”
A wicked smile comes across his face before he speaks.
“You accuse me of madness when it is you who kissed a prince in only your shift”
“That is not fair” I push him hard and he laughs despite the fact that he almost falls off the bed.
“I am not known for my fairness” he takes another drink while winking at me. “I am going to both because of you. Because of Roman. He would have wanted me to. I think”
The words land with a weight, silencing both of us. It acknowledges the following third presence in the room. The ghost who most likely also followed Lyonel wherever he went. The ghost that would follow us both for the rest of our lives. But our grief is different. Mine is open to the world - a sister grieving her younger brother. Lyonel’s grief is closed, private. The world does not understand how deep his wound is. They could not understand.
He drinks more and then clears his throat. “He had a grand plan, you know. He talked about it the night before…before the trial. He wanted me to marry you”
My head snaps to look at him at a speed I did not know was possible without breaking one’s neck. “Why?”
“Not like that. Although you would count yourself lucky” He winks at me before continuing. “You could avoid marrying either someone dull or cruel. You could marry me - a friend who would not cage you or make you into something you are not. While Roman then had a reason to be close to me. Which would allow for him and me to…we could be…we could be.” He lets out an attempt at a laugh to cover the crack in his voice and the way his eyes were now watering. “In another life, mayhaps”
I place my hand on his knee. “In another life you would not need to marry me. You and Roman could simply be together - as man and man in front of the realm and the Gods.”
He places a hand over mine while giving me a small smile. He stands up after a few seconds of sitting silently together.
“I only ask that you do not bury yourself with him. My wine cellar would be grateful but the conversations would be dreadfully predictable without you”
When he leaves I look at the grey chamber I had locked myself in. He was right. I could not dwell in my despair.
…
Lady Gwins septa forbid me to see Gwin. It seemed the septa saw me just like my father - a tempteress who had led the prince astray, She stood in front of me with the posture of an old woman who had faced storms, giants and rebellions and still prevailed. I was not stupid enough to cross her. So, instead of trying to speak with Gwin, the only person I thought would even care to see me in this castle, I went to the library.
When I enter I see a figure behind one of the shelves. My breath hitches for a fraction of a second. Fixing my posture and preparing what I could say to him. When I walk toward the figure I see behind the shelves of books that the dark hair was not streaked with grey. That the shoulders were more narrow. I could not help the disappointment that settled in my chest.
“Prince Valarr” I greet him and he turns to greet me back, a slight surprise in his eyes. “How is your wife, Lady Kiera? She is back in King’s Landing, is she not?”
At the mention of his wife he blushes and flashes me a smile. Unlike his father his teeth were completely straight and pearly white.
“She is well, judging by the letters she sent. Thank you for asking.” He looks at me and at once his smile leaves his lips. “I am sorry for your loss, my lady. Your brother seemed like a good man.”
A lump formed in my throat but I tried to give a small polite smile. The type of smile my father and septa had forced me to practice when I was younger.
“He was. Thank you, my prince.” I clear my throat before deflecting. “Are you looking for any book in particular?”
“I do not really know.” He laughs and I see how something flickers in his eyes. “Although I have heard that you are the person to ask for guidance in this library.”
“Has the young Lady Gwin been telling stories of me again?”
“No, actually it was my father that mentioned it.”
The words slip out easily from him but it feels as though they strike me. He had spoken about me. A fact that had an indisputable effect on me. It made me want to smile before a more sickening feeling came. He did not wish to see or speak to me. He had made that very clear last night.
“I see.” It is the only words I can force myself to speak before turning so that my gaze is on the books instead of the young prince.
“He also spoke of the fact that you urged him not to join the trial.” At those words my eyes wander to his. His eyes, mismatching like his father but missing the contrasting depth I had come to adore. “Thank you”
“He still joined” I huffed and went back to look at the spines of history in front of me.
“When my father has decided what he believes is the right thing to do he does not waver.”
“He is quite stubborn isn’t he?” the words leave my lips before I can give them a second thought. I turn to him, wide eyed and mouth agape. I had just spoken of the crown prince, his father, in a way no one should dare speak of a prince. Yet Valarr is only smiling at me and there is a glint in his eye.
“Only in matters in which he knows what he believes to be good. In matters of what would only be good for him - I believe him to be the opposite”
Afraid of speaking out of turn again I focus on the books on the shelves. I know the order of the titles well and I let my fingers trace along the spines. When suddenly there is a gap on the shelf, there is a book missing. Not only just a book, but my book. The one with the shepherd-prince. No one else in all my years at Ashford had ever picked it up. In fact, between our visits it would always collect a layer of dust that would display the time between my last readings.
“My lady?” I snapped to Valarr and realized that he had said something to me but I had not heard it.
“Pardon me, my prince, what did you say?”
“I said that I look forward to getting to know you more when we are back in King’s landing.”
“Thank you. I look forward to it too”
Because I did. To know that I could have someone that treated me with kindness despite not owing it to me was more than I could hope for. To know that if Baelor would continue his silence toward me, that there was someone who did not treat me like I was nothing.
…
At supper, the last supper before we all took off to King’s landing, there was an empty chair between Prince Maekar and Lord Ashford. No one pointed it out, although I could see my father’s jaw tense a bit. He took this as a personal insult. That the crown prince could dare avoid supper when the arrangement had just been done. I knew, however, that Baelor did not avoid supper because of my father - he did it because of me.
The decision was not thought through but was also not careless. It seemed like it sat in my bones, like a path forged decades before my time and that my feet simply followed it. There was no certainty that he would even be in his study, yet somehow I did not let that uncertainty stop me.
As I knock I feel it in my chest. The certain courage that had taken me to the study dissolved for every breath that I did not hear a response from the other side of the door. As a dull “ come in” is heard, I have to brace myself before going in.
He is sitting with a quill, his eyes focused solely on the parchment in front of him. I stand there for a minute or two, waiting for him to look up. When he does, his eyebrows shoot up but he remains quiet. His face is still, expressionless but I see his throat bob. It seems I have to speak first.
“You missed supper, my prince” At that he simply waves his hand toward the corner of the room. A tray with an empty plate and a goblet. He had food sent for him.
“I have eaten, my lady.”
“Oh, I see” I clear my throat and put my hands behind my back. My fingers are twirling around each other, grasping at even the smallest callous they could pick at. “I came to apologize.”
I leave a moment of silence to see if he wishes to say something. He does not. Instead he looks at me and then returns his focus on the parchment and quill. He is sending me away without words. Something that makes a stubborn spirit arise in me. I would say what I wanted to say. I did not care if he would do all of the realm’s tax records while I did it, he would not dismiss me like my apology was a buzz of a fly.
“It was reckless of me. To be in that lake in the first place but certainly to only do it in my shift. And it was foolish of me to kiss you.” The words of my choosing makes me wince slightly. “I only mean that I let my feelings take over. That I did not mean for things to be this way. I did not intend for my father to force your hand into a betrothal - a marriage with me.”
I look at him as he is still carrying on with his work, as if my words are falling on deaf ears. I continue nevertheless.
“I just wanted you to know that I did not mean to be yet another person deciding your future for you. And I am sorry that, despite my intentions, with my kiss I became that.”The stubborn spirit in me is dull as he is still acting as if I am not standing in front of him, shaking with nerves and baring my heart. “I have come to enjoy your company., my Prince. For what it’s worth.” My voice cracks on the last few words. This, if anything, seems to at least break his composure. A careless movement on his hand making the quill spill more ink on the parchment than intended. This makes him put away the quill and lean back in the chair and let his eyes come up to me. Still, he did not say anything. He only looked at me with a clenched jaw and focused eyes.
As he is still quiet, I turn to leave but as I shift slightly my gaze catches something familiar on his desk. It is the cover that I had hidden beneath my pillow as a young girl when my nursemaids came to check if I was sleeping. He had the book. The book I had told him about and that he had teased me for. I let my eyes go back to him, he is also looking at the book and then looks back at me.
I considered mentioning it, but decided against it. Instead I only feel how the corners of my lips curl upwards. “Goodnight, my prince” I make my way to the door and it is only when I am halfway through the doorway that he speaks.
“Goodnight, my lady”
…
The morning of our departure to King’s Landing I am standing outside of the castle on the morning grass - the dew seeping through my shoes. It was not my home I was leaving, but it was something close to it. The young woman I had been when I arrived in Ashford for the tourney was not the same one that stood here departing for a betrothal ceremony between herself and the crown prince.
The thoughts of what had changed made me unaware of my surroundings which allowed me to be tackled into the ground by one young girl.
“I ran away from the septa to talk to you!” she said, easing herself up onto one of her elbows. Her hair disheveled and cheeks rosy. She was grinning like one can only do as a child - naive and completely unaware of what smiling can cost you.
“Did you have to give me broken ribs while doing so?” I say with a breathless laugh as I laid in the grass holding the side that had taken the blow.
“You are marrying a prince! I cannot believe it. You must be overjoyed!” she says, ignoring my comment completely.
“Yes, that is one way to put it.” It is the only thing I can think of to say. When I saw her eagerness, her face that only thought that kissing and marrying a prince meant romance and happiness. She did not know of the politics, strategies or how whispers of being a tempteress would follow me for the rest of my life. She only thought of love in the pure way that we as humans perhaps should love. Open, honest and without care what the court will say.
“Can you write to me? Describe the city to me, and the court, and the gowns, and the-”
“Gwin,” I take her hands while I sit up and look at her. “ I will write to you and tell you everything. I would be a terrible friend if I did not”
At that she throws her arms around me. Our embrace is interrupted when a very disturbed and shrill voice from her septa rings through the keep. She pulls away and looks at me with wide eyes. Then she stumbles onto her feet, says a quick bye.
A laugh escapes me as I stand up from the grass. As I rise so do my eyes and they land on three figures watching me - Prince Maekar, Prince Valarr and Prince Baelor. I do not know how long they had been watching, but when my eyes caught them they all turned away.
The wheelhouses and horses arrived shortly after. My mother sits down in the wheelhouse at once along with Miria. My father, as always, finds something unsatisfactory with something unimportant and he must complain about this before he mounts his horse. As I go to settle into the wheelhouse a hand finds mine. I look to the side and find Baelor standing there. He does not look at me, instead he looks ahead at the wheelhouse while still holding my hand. He guides me into the wheelhouse and then I see his gaze go toward my hair.
“Sit still, my lady” he takes his hand and from my hair he gently pulls out a leaf that must have gotten caught in it when I laid in the grass. When he has the leaf in between his fingers, he does not pull away at once. Instead I feel his fingertips graze my hair just ever so slightly. It is a small, barely noticeable gesture. It can be dismissed as innocent. I try to dismiss it as innocent. Then our eyes meet. The brown one catches the sun in it, while the violet one is caught in the shadow. It is then I realize how close he is - I can feel his warmth breath on me. Then I hear him slightly whisper my name, before clearing his throat and taking a step back. His eyes are now on the ground, hands behind his back and his jaw clenched as he bows to me.
“Safe travels, my lady”
…
The rest of the travels were just as confounding as that moment. He would still not talk to me, he would not even look at me. One would think that the prince did not even know I existed. Yet when I complained about the seat in the wheelhouse digging into my back to my mother- servants would bring me cushions at once ‘requested by the prince’ they would say. When I felt a sudden urge of motion sickness and asked for a moment to stop it was not long until a master brought me a vial to cure it - ‘ requested by the prince’. That same sentence was heard as more acts of service and kindness was handed to me, while he was still treating me like I was nothing.
Somehow, this was much worse than if he had treated me with complete negligence. Then at least I would know what he thought of me. I would know if he had believed me in that study in Ashford or if he still saw me as someone who had forced his hand into something. Now it seemed he could not stand me, but could also not stand me being unhappy or uncomfortable.
The whole thing left me frustrated. Which is why when a kind Lord acted as our host on the journey - whose name I did not care to learn because he stared at my breasts for most of the time - I found myself searching for the bottom of every bottle of wine I found.
The wine was sweet and left me feeling like the lord and his wife were not as dull as they actually were. In fact at each one of the lord’s jokes I laughed so loud that Baelor actually looked at me for the first time in days. His eyes focused solely on me for a few minutes while his fingers grabbed his goblet just a little too hard. It made my frustration come back. However, I was saved by the lord announcing that the dancing was to begin.
I flew up quickly and went to the dance floor as fast as the wine in my blood would let me. Letting the music and the dance steps let my mind and body carry me away from my frustration. It works for a few minutes. Getting carried away in it all. Until a voice is heard from behind me - and my frustration creeps back on me.
“I thought you were not one for dancing, my lady” I turn to meet his face. Calm, court-fitting and hands behind his back.
“Can a woman not change her mind?” I ask him, while continuing to dance.
He goes to say something, but before he gets the chance to speak someone calls for him and he is pulled into a conversation. It is not his fault that he gets pulled away. However, in my drunken state it felt like him yet again showing me kindness only to give me nothing in the next breath.
I leave the dance floor and after me I hear Valarr call my name - I continue walking. However, I underestimate him and he catches up to me easily. He grabs my elbow, gently.
“My lady, I do not think my father would be pleased if I let you walk alone in your state” A rough and hollow laugh leaves me while removing his grip from me.
“Your father is never pleased when it comes to me, Prince Valarr.” I turn to look at him and my anger leaves me slightly. He only meant well. “I only need air, my prince.”
Then I turn and continue to go to the doors of the castle. When they open I am met with what seemed to be a rain storm - one that had gone unnoticed in the dining hall with all the commotion of music and laughter. This should have discouraged me and made me reconsider - it did not.
I step out and smile as the cold rain touches my skin. It does not take long until I feel my hair being soaked and my gown ruined.
“My lady, please, you will grow ill” Valarr pleaded from the door. I simply ignored it. I stood there in the rain, letting it wash away the wine, frustrations and everything that had happened since I arrived in Ashford for what felt like a lifetime ago.
Roman had always loved rain but hated thunder storms. Which meant that as soon as it rained I was by his side, ready to hold him if the sky came crashing down. He had dragged me out in the storm. Made me dance and sing while our hair and clothes clung to us - soaked and ruined. It was one of the many ways that Roman made life more vibrant. Even though he was aware that thunder and lightning could strike any time, that did not stop him from enjoying the rain he loved.
I am pulled from my thoughts by footsteps approaching me where I stand, now with my eyes closed.
“I assure you, Prince Valarr. I will survive a little bit of rain.”
“You will catch a cold.” The voice was stern and calm, it made me open my eyes. Valarr had fetched his father.
“I assure you, I will not.”
“Come, let us fetch you some blankets and some-”
“No.” I interrupt him and start to walk on ahead to the gardens I had passed when we arrived. “I need air and a walk and I do not need company”
Behind me his sigh can be heard over the pebbles of the rain falling harshly on the ground. He calls for me by my name, that does not stop me from walking with large steps. I hear him following me and still calling for me - each time he does I only quicken my pace.
“By the seven above, must you be so stubborn?!” He exclaims. His voice shakes and I turn to look at him where he stands a few metres away from me.
“Oh I despise that!” My hands turned into fists at my side. “At least I can actually stand by what I am doing instead of changing my manner in every breath I take.” At that his brows knit together in confusion.
“What is that supposed to mean?” His voice being nothing like he ever shows the court. This one is more rough, the words less enunciated.
“Do not play the fool. One moment you will show me kindness and in the next you avoid me like I was the Stranger himself.” I shake my head. “I apologized to you in Ashford. I told you that I enjoyed your company.”
I let out something between a laugh and a breath before I continue.
“If you do not feel the same, that is fine. But if you are to neglect me - do it fully, my prince. Do not keep dangling your kindness in front of my face just to later punish me with carelessness”
He lets a hand drag across his head of hair and then his beard before he speaks.
“How could - can - I know that anything you said was genuine? That it was not just another part of your act?”
His words cut through the rain. The cold on my skin. It cuts through the wine in my bloodstream and the frustration I feel. His words strike me at my very core.
“Act? What act?”
He shakes his head and lets out a laugh while looking at his hands.
“ The reading under an oak tree? The speaking with me as if I was just a man and not a prince? The kissing me in just your shift and then just so happen to be caught by your father and another lord? All of it? Making the old prince fall for a young, beautiful and smart woman? A woman whose house is not of a large size? A woman who has had no prospects for a betrothal?” He lets out a laugh - it is not joyous. It is hollow and sounds more like a sob caught in his throat. Then he continues. “I was only foolish to leave behind my rationality and logic to fall for it all.”
For a while I only stand there. Letting the rain be the only sound between us. Before me stood the man I had grown to care for, the man who had brought me laughter on the day the Seven took my joy from me. The man who made me let down my guard. The man I would marry. That man just took me apart and ruined me.
“Is that how low you think of me?” The words come out soft and quiet, barely being carried over the sounds of the rain cascading down on us. “That I am just some whore trapping you into a marriage?” He flinches noticeably at my words, I continue despite it. “ My brother died to protect you. Not because of honor or duty, but because he knew I cared for you.”
I let myself close the distance between the prince and I. Making sure that no words get lost in the rain or distance.
“Do not let your fear of what you deem irrational feelings for me become my pitfall” The words are said through my teeth. “ I cared for the man, not the prince.” I take a step back away from him and look up at him where he stands, “ It seems that man is gone now, your grace”
If he answers me, I do not know for I am gone before I let him see me fall apart. There are a great many in this realm that did not care for me. They thought my tongue was too sharp. They thought my ideas were too progressive. They thought I was too unladylike. I had always let their opinions wash off of me - for I had never cared for them, for I had never let them see me completely and truly. But Baelor had seen me. He had seen more of me than I had planned. Yet the prince had just used that vulnerability to strike me down and leave me with nothing.
Nothing.
Part 6
Taglist (let me know if you want to be added): @thorins-queen-of-erebor @qardasngan @thenafilms @shaaaemond @0lder-bro @straightstormylair @0-lavenderskies-0 @leolionsthings @rosey1981 @depressedpolishgirl @asahinasstuff @kyvillasstuff @xkatherinexo
Felt stuck in writing part 5 for "Acts and affections" but then I listened to "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver on repeat and now I broke my own heart while writing
Girl, did you have to make me cry first thing in the morning with your absolute masterpiece “Acts and affections - Baelor x f!reader”. I can’t stop the tears… Poor Roman😭😭😭 Now father ruined one good thing in her life… Baelor probably thinks she did all of that purpose…
Please add me to the taglist🫶
This is making me all emotional! Thank you for the kind words and for reading🥹❣️ And yeah I already miss my boy Roman and her father is a piece of shit! Adding you to the tag list💗
Notes: English is not my first language. Constructive criticism is always welcome! I do not own any pictures or characters.
Warnings: Age gap relationship. Unspecified house. Grief. Cursing. Slight violence.
Word count: 3.3k
Previous parts: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Part 4 - Haunted
It seemed unfair how the rest of the day and the rest of the world could go on. How the masters could tend to the other men's wounds. How the merchants kept selling in their stands. How people could smile and laugh and live.
My entire life I had been preached to that the Gods were just. What Gods are there that take a man's life, leaving me utterly numb and then they let everyone else continue like nothing happened? It did not make sense in my mind. How a young man can die and just a few hours later there are parties on the same meadow where he took his last breath.
I could not stand to be among it all. The talks and practicalities of the funeral that was to be held in the morrow. The drinking and eating made me sick to my stomach. Everything was too much yet too little. It felt like my body was no longer mine. Like I had died with Roman and that I was merely a ghost haunting this castle.
I sat beneath the oak tree. Staring up into the sky, watching it change colours. It had grown dark when I heard footsteps approach me. I did not care to look.
“You have missed supper, my lady” It is him. Of course it is him. His voice echoing in the gardens against the barks of the trees. The voice that only a few hours ago would have made me blush and tear my gaze from the sky to him. Now, I simply kept on staring at the sky. Feeling nothing.
He clears his throat and I hear him moving closer to me. “ Your family was worried about where you were.”
“Do not lie to me” My voice is hoarse yet firm when I speak. “My entire life my vacancies have gone unnoticed. That has not changed now, your grace.”
“Mayhaps not” he winces slightly as he kneels down to sit in the grass beside me. “However, there are other people here that are worried about you”
This made me look at him. There were new scars that adorned his face and his eyes looked at me as if I would break if he looked too long. I do not say anything. I simply turn my gaze toward the grass beneath me and let my fingers graze it.
“It is strange how it all continues is it not?” His voice is lower than it was just a second ago. “When my wife Jena died I remember being mad because the sky turned the same shade pink as it had the day before. I thought the world should have known that things needed to change now that she wasn’t here.”
“When did you stop being mad at it?” In the corner of my eye I see how he is surprised to hear my voice. He lets out something that is between a laugh and a sigh.
“It never goes away completely. However, seeing Valarr and Matarys - our sons - grow up. They have some of her quirks - like biting their nails when they are nervous and laughing when they are actually mad. That helped. To see proof of her existing, seeing her in our boys. Instead of anger it made me grateful. She is not really gone. There are fragments of her in everything. Remembering that has helped me. Immensely.”
The words have a weight to them. One I am not fully open to yet - I am aware. I store them away, knowing that when the wound is slightly more healed they will help. When time has done its job, that is when his words will help.
“Did you love her?” Turning to look at him. The question is one that I have no right to ask. Still, I ask.
“Not in the way the shepherd loved the princess” he gives me a smile. He is trying to add a lightness to the conversation. It does not work but I am still grateful for the attempt. “But we were friends. She was the mother of my children. I cared for her. But both me and Jena knew since we were young that our futures were not for us to decide. Not really.”
“Were there a time when you dreamed of a future you could decide?”
“I was very young, but yes.” A beat of silence before he speaks. “I wanted to be a baker”
“A baker?” A laugh escapes past the gates of numbness and it makes him jump a bit next to me. He blushes and smiles while looking down to the ground.
“I suggested to the castle’s baker to add blueberries to one of the loaves of bread. They did it. It was delicious. I thought ‘ This is what I was really meant for’” He looks at me where I am smiling so hard that my cheeks hurt “You are making me regret saying this to you”
“No, I am sorry, my prince” I look down at my fingers and rip off a blade of grass that I twirl in between my fingers. “Do you even know how to bake?” His silence answers me - he has never baked in his life. It makes me laugh. A laugh that somehow turns into sadness and guilt. Here I was laughing and smiling while Roman was gone.
Baelor notices. He is not a man that is ignorant of a shift in a person. He places a hand on my shoulder. He does not say anything and for that I am grateful. I take a deep breath before words are spilling out faster than I can even keep up with.
“He made my life more vibrant. In every aspect of the word” A smile comes through as my eyes now turn watery and my voice slightly wavers. “ When we were children we would climb this large cherry tree to get the berries. Our father was furious. He thought it was irresponsible of us and embarrassing. He said it made it look like he was not feeding us enough.” The memory of my father makes me roll my eyes. “ We kept on doing it. Going home and swearing we had not done it while having cherry stained lips and cheeks” I drag the back of my hand across my now tear stained cheek. “The thing is, in the beginning I did not even like cherries. Roman did. But with time. With each day where we would climb and and eat them while the sun shone - I came to love them.”
My eyes close as the last syllable is uttered into the space between us. He does not answer me with words, which I am grateful for. Instead, he simply puts his hand over mine and then gives it a gentle squeeze. It sends calm waves over me. He had listened. He was here. He did not put pressure on me.
I squeeze his hand back - hoping he feels the ‘thank you’ that I cannot say while I press my fingers into his palms.
“You should go inside. Eat something. Even if it is small. It does not get easier on an empty stomach.” He removes his hand when he says it.
“Nothing is, I believe” I smile at him and give a small sniffle. I stand up and he follows. The words that I want to say do not seem to be able to leave me. It is as if my body and I are not connected. So, instead I only gave him a small smile and nod before curtsying and heading in.
…
Breakfast the following morning was held privately for each family residing in Ashford castle after the funeral. Meaning I was forced to break my fast with my family - my family where there would always be an empty seat at every table from now on.
At first it seemed my family were completely clueless that we had lost Roman. That we had just buried him. The conversation was like any other morrow, father discussed taxes, grains and other lord’s scandals. Miria agreed with everything father said and spoke of how the gardens were tended. Mother was quiet as usual. Then father brought it up. The practicalities that needed to be discussed with the situation of his only male heir now being gone. I become frozen in my seat. My hands grab onto the table cloth while I am trying to remind myself to breathe. His words are covered by a low humming noise that dulls everything around me. It is a minute of that still, debilitating numbness until Miria speaks.
“I do not understand why he joined at all. Then again, he was always foolish”
My head lifts up and my eyes narrow as I look at her sipping her tea as if she had not just uttered that blow to her dead brother.
“What did you just say?”
She stops in her tracks and rolls her eyes before answering me.
“You heard me, sister” she tilts her head before continuing. “He was foolish and reckless. Always bringing shame upon our family.”
I can barely register my own movements as I fly up from my seat and my hand goes to slap her across the face.
“You do not speak of him.” I point my finger at her as my nostrils flare. “You possess no right to mention him ever again.”
I turn to look at my father who has stood up in his chair. He starts to speak but I turn my finger at him to silence him before I speak.
“And you. You pathetic coward. He died because of you. Because you could never grant him any form of credit that he deserved. His blood is on your hands, father”
My hands fall down to my sides as my head turns to my mother. She is seated and silent. Eyes hollow as usual as she looks at me.
“And you? Nothing to say?” I ask her. “Even when he is dead you won’t defend your son? Your own flesh and blood?”
I shake my head and head for the door. My hand grabs the handle but before I leave I turn to look at them all.
“He was better than all of you. You never deserved him. Never”
My feet carry me out of there and through the castle quickly. The anger in my body is my guide. Taking me towards the one thing that might calm the storm within me.
The grass outside is still covered in morning dew as I run across the meadow toward the glistening lake. Before I have even made it to the water my hands go to unlace my gown. Underneath it I wore a shift in a sheer light fabric. When I dressed myself I had had no intention of going swimming - leaving me in a highly inappropriate garment for the occasion. This, however, did not stop me. I throw my gown off my body and drop it at the edge of the lake and then I jump in.
As the cold engulfs me it makes my mind leave its angry haze. My body and mind were only capable of screaming at me that it was too cold. But when my head went above the surface and I adjusted to the temperature it stopped the screaming. When it left me I did not turn back to anger instead I turned to pure and utter desperation. I went underneath the surface with closed eyes. Images of Roman and I playing in the lake of our childhood flashed across the back of my eyelids. I went up for a second - hit with the reality that I was alone. I went down and again the images were swirling in front of me until my lungs ached and I had to go back up. I kept repeating the movement until at one point underneath the surface I ignored the ache in my lungs. I stayed. As if staying would take me back to those lake days. As if staying would take him back.
Someone else’s arms grab me and pull me up and as soon as my nose is above the water my lungs take in as much oxygen as they can. I am left with desperate breaths as my eyes land on Baelor in front of me with his arms holding me tight.
“What in the seven hells are you doing?” His voice is nothing like I have heard from him before. He is angry - furious even. His eyes are wide and his breath matches my own short and desperate ones. He is standing in the water with me, making his clothes absolutely drenched.
I should feel ashamed. Ashamed that he had to drag me up. Ashamed that I proved him right by acting like some young girl. Ashamed that my shift clung to my body and had turned completely see-through by the water. I was not ashamed. Instead as I felt his hand on me. As I saw his eyes. As I smelled the calm and rich smell I had come to know as his. All I felt in that moment was a wall coming crashing down.
“It is my fault” A sob broke out of me. My body is far too tired to constrain it. “He would not have protected you from the mace if it was not for me.” Tears are running down my already wet cheeks and I close my eyes while the truth pours out of me, unforgiving and unconcealed. “He told me he would not let you get hurt if you joined. Because of me. He is dead because of me” I put my forehead against his chest as the sobs break through my body.
He does not say anything, he only puts his arms around me and lets one hand stroke my hair making the sobs less rough, less prominent. It makes my breathing less shallow and less desperate. It is only when my sobs have turned into sniffles that he speaks.
“You did not kill him” His voice is calm yet stern. Leaving no room for argument. “It is not your fault.”
I lift my head from his chest and look at him. His eyes glanced down on me. There was no anger left in them, only a silent question ‘ Are you alright?’. My eyes travel over the rest of his face. His nose, large and somehow stoic. I did not know before I had met him that noses could be stoic - but his was. His cheeks that I could see were roughened with years yet obviously had the luxury of the best oils and creams the realm could offer. Then my eyes came to his lips. His lips that could give me that crooked smile and also utter me words of comfort or wisdom. His lips that seemed to have their own gravitational pull on me.
The decision is not thought through, in fact it is barely consciously made. I simply follow the overpowering urge and do it. I put one hand on the back of his head as I lift myself on my toes and crash my lips on his.
His lips are soft and warm. He tastes like honey yet there is also a bitter taste underneath it. That of a fine ale that would only be brought out during a feast of notoriety. The taste of him is intoxicating and it makes me not even aware if he is kissing me back or not. Then I feel it. I feel his large calloused hands grab my waist and pull me closer to him and it makes me gasp into his mouth.
When we break apart he bumps his nose gently with mine and I catch him smiling. The moment is ruined as quickly as it happened. A twig snaps and a huff of breath is heard. We both turn our heads and there at the edge of the lake stands Lord Ashford and my father. My father does not have that of a worried father who sees his young unmarried daughter kiss a much older man in only her shift. No, my father is wearing a smile. It is not a gentle one. It is a conniving one. It is a planning one. I had just given something to my father without knowing it. Power and leverage.
…
It felt like a lifetime when I paced outside of the study where my father, Lord Ashford, Prince Maekar and Prince Baelor had their discussions of the arrangement of a betrothal. I knew my father enough to know that he would not give up easily. He had made his point clear at once - the prince sullied me and had to marry me. Lord Ashford had agreed with him. That not only mine but Prince Baelor’s reputation - the crown’s reputation - would be in jeopardy if we did not.
I did not know what to feel. My lips still tingled from his kiss. My mind was flooded with memories of our quiet meetings and interactions. I enjoyed his company. He made me laugh. He made me feel seen. To imagine a life with him left me curious and excited. Until other memories came to me. The ones of him calling me some young girl. Reminding me that perhaps this was but a young girl’s unrequited crush.
Then to really make my stomach turn there was the image of my father smiling. It infected every thought of Baelor. Even if Baelor even felt a sliver of what I felt it did not matter. This betrothal and marriage would always be stained by my father’s hand. It would be remembered as a match that he secured, not one that me and Baelor came to on our own accord.
When the door opens it is my father and Lord Ashford who steps out first. They are smiling at each other. My father sees me stand and his smile falters while biding adieu to Lord Ashford.
“What in the Seven are you doing here?” He steps in front of me but then he shakes his head and smiles at me. “No matter why, you have proven yourself today my girl. I speak of losing an heir and you seek a solution right away. Securing an alliance with the crown by tempting an old prince? Your cleverness served you well this time.” He pats me on the cheek before walking away down the hallway.
I stand there frozen. My father, for the first time in my entire life, was proud of me. Not because of an accomplishment. Not because I had found joy. Not because he saw me for who I was. No, he thought I was a power seeking tempteress - a pawn that had moved in his favour.
Prince Maekar is the next man who steps outside, he mutters something under his breath when he steps out. When he notices me stand there his eyes widen for a small second before turning back to his usual disgruntled face. He gives me a small nod and mutters a greeting. Then he continues walking down the hallway.
I fix my hair and try to straighten my posture when I hear footsteps approach the doorway again. Baelor steps out and his eyes catch mine.
“My Prince I-”
I am interrupted not by his words but by him leaving. He simply walks away. As if I had not been standing there. As if I was a ghost who haunted this castle. Perhaps that was what I was to him now. No longer some young girl but instead an insufferable haunting presence that he did not deem worthy of words or acknowledgement. A problem best ignored. A problem that would haunt him all the way to kings landing where our betrothal would be formalized.
When I go to bed it is not in my own chambers - it is in Roman’s. Even though it was only his for a few nights it was the closest I could be to him. I looked up at the ceiling and found some comfort in that he too had stared at it only a few nights ago - he did rarely sleep, that dear brother of mine.
“I told you I could not do this without you” I whisper before sleep takes me and I dream of lakes, laughter and my father’s conniving smile.
Part 5
Taglist (let me know if you want to be added): @thorins-queen-of-erebor @qardasngan @thenafilms @shaaaemond @0lder-bro @straightstormylair @0-lavenderskies-0
Notes: English is not my first language. Constructive criticism is always welcome! I do not own any pictures or characters.
Warnings: Age gap relationship. Unspecified house. Non-canon (Baelor lives y’all). Death. Battle wounds.
Word count: 3.7 k
Previous parts: Part 1 Part 2
Part 3 - A good knight
Sleep did not find me - no matter how hard I tried. The chamber felt too small and too stiff. I needed air. I put on a simple gown and decided to walk to the gardens. While walking through the castle I notice how the hallways were filled with far more servants running around than what is normal at this hour. I stop one of them and ask what is happening.
“Have you not heard? A hedge knight struck prince Aerion. The same hedge knight is believed to have kidnapped Prince Aegon - one of Prince Maekar’s missing sons.”
As he tells me, more servants add to the story. About how Prince Aeiron had broken a girls finger. About the Hedge knight being kept in the dungeons before speaking with Baelor. How, as we are standing whispering, there is a trial. The servants had all laid bets on whether or not he would lose a hand or if there would be a trial by combat.
Listening to all of this it became clear that I was not the only one who would not be able to sleep tonight. I thanked the servants and continued through the castle. Knocking on Romans door left me standing for several minutes with no response. Finally I simply stepped in and found it empty. I knew where he was, or rather with whom he was with. So, I continued walking through the castle without really knowing where to go but I knew I was not tired and that the gardens were no longer an option since the sounds of pouring rain could be heard against the castle's windows.
My feet took me to the library. The place in Ashford where I had always taken off to whenever I grew tired of my parents and sister. This time though, I did not go for any books. Instead I simply sat down in one of the oriel windows to look out at the grounds. Ashford looked like a small city now with all the tents and stands on its fields.
I pulled my feet under me and placed my chin on my knees as I looked out. I had not wanted to come to this tourney. When I found out Gwin had asked for me I was not happy - even though it pains me to admit it. Thinking of walking around giving a perfect performance and still be given notes from my parents on how to improve everything sounded like torture. I could have never guessed that this tourney would be different from all the others. I could have never guessed that I would meet a man who did not make me roll my eyes at everything he said. I could have never guessed that I would meet a man who I wanted to dance with. But alas, here I was, sitting in a window looking out as the rain cascaded over Ashford meadow while my head spun with thoughts of mismatched eyes and dark hair streaked with grey.
“The hour is late, my lady” My head spun around quickly when I hear his voice. At first I believed that he was only a figment of my imagination. That I had fallen asleep and that my thoughts of him turned into dreams. But the way my heart beats faster assures me that this is in fact real.
“Your grace” I jump down from the window and land on the cold floor to curtsy. “I could not sleep. Especially not when I found out what happened” It was not entirely true. I could not sleep because my mind swirled with images of him and I needed to go out in the open air but the rain did not permit it. This, I could not say so I settled with a lie.
“Yes, it seems word has already spread” Baelor sighs as he says it while starting to look at shelfs. “I do not blame them, there has not been one in centuries”
“What do you mean, your grace? Centuries?” My curiosity peaked not only by his words but also how his eyes scan the titles kept in this small library.
“I guess you have not heard it all” for a moment his eyes shift to me, and he goes quiet for a few seconds. He looks me up and down, weighing whether or not I should hear this, before he scans the titles again. “Aerion demands a trial of seven.”
“A trial of seven?!” The volume of my own voice makes me clasp a hand up before continuing. “ That is ancient and seldom -”
"Invoked, yes.” He stands up with his hands behind his back and looks at me. “My nephew is a lover of history and dramatics.”
I realize now why Baelor came to the library. He is a man that does not act on feelings, he acts on facts. To his luck, he happened to make acquaintance with the one person who knows this library better than anyone.
“Lord Ashford does not have many books that will guide you when it comes to a trial of seven, your grace.” I start walking past him to a shelf that is further down. “But there are a few over here that could mayhaps give you some sliver of guidance.”
His footsteps echo behind me as I am already picking up titles that are relevant. He takes them from my hands while I mumble on about where he could possibly find anything of value. After I have given him an armful I turn around to see him looking at me with the pile of books in his arms.
“Do you know every piece of literature here by heart, my lady?” His voice is quiet and I can see the corner of his mouth twist upward.
“Only the ones that mention sheep less than 10 times” I smile and turn around attempting to make it look like I am searching for another book when in reality I am hiding my now rosy cheeks. “Except for one of them that I actually do like”
“And which one is that? It must be quite a tale if it caught your attention”
I look at him where he stands with a pile of books I picked out in his arms. He does not quite have that crooked and open smile on, but in his eyes there are glimpses of something. Something that turns the violet one sharp and the brown one soft.
“It is about a shepherd who is madly in love with a princess. He makes clothes for her made out of wool. He writes poems for her while he sleeps under the stars with his sheep. He dreams of her and swears he will protect her. She is to be married to an evil old king who treats her terribly. She runs away with the shepherd to a far away city. When they arrive they find out that the shepherd is no shepherd at all - he is a prince that the evil old king had kidnapped as a babe. So, the evil king is exiled while the shepherd -prince and his princess marry and live happily ever after”
“That was quite a tale” his voice is not that of courtly politness, instead there was a smugness to it.
“It is nice!” I say and he chuckles at me. He actually chuckles and the pile of books scurry a bit as he does. “It was my favorite as a girl. I read it so many times that I could recite it perfectly” I look down on the stone beneath my feet. “So it still holds a place in my heart even though I know it is quite…silly”
“It is not silly,” he lets out a last chuckle before straightening. “I must read it. ”
“You should read it” the words are quiet when I say them. Still slightly ashamed that I had spoken of a love story meant for little girls to a man who had battle scars and was the Hand of the king. I clear my throat before speaking again. “Come on, I believe you have every book that might be of guidance”
He goes with the books to a nearby table and starts going through them. I walk over and tell him once again where he can find mentions of trials of seven. He does not tell me to leave him alone in his research. Instead, he flips to the pages I say and simply sits down to read it all.
“I must say,” I say after some minutes have passed with us going through the books. “I believe you know the most important details of what the trial entails. These books are likely not filling any knowledge gap.” At that he nods while his eyes are glued to the page he is currently on.
“He must have six other champions. Otherwise he will be found guilty”
“Yes. But surely you knew that already” Anyone in the realm could easily see that Baelor was a man that did not sleep through his lessons. Instead he gave the impression of someone that as a young prince most likely corrected his septas about facts and information.
“Yes.” He sighs and I can see how his eyes wander to the windows, seeing the rain still pouring down on the meadows below. It is then that I realize that Baelor did not come here as a man seeking guidance. He came here as someone that needed reassurance for a choice he already made his mind up about. A choice that made the air feel heavier around us.
“I am sure he will find six other men to fight for him, your grace” The words are soft and quiet as they leave my lips.
“I do not agree, my lady” He looks at me with his mismatching eyes. They look darker in this light, but still the difference in them was clear and contrasting. “And it is not because he is guilty. He did what every true knight must - protect the innocent”
“You cannot be saying what I think you are saying” It feels like there is less air in the library now. My chest is heavy as it takes in every breath. My fingers find a loose thread on my gown and start to twist it “He will find other men”
“And if he does not?” He plays with his rings and looks down at them. “How can any ruler of the realm stand idly by while a man is found guilty for doing what he took a vow to do?”
“Do you even have armor with you?”
“I can borrow my son’s. He will not protest against it.”
“He should.” This makes him look at me where I am standing with a thread in between my fingers and my chest heaving. “An armor that is not fitted for you could be what makes the Stranger come for you”
“Mayhaps. However, I am a capable knight.” He folds his hands in his lap before he speaks again. “ If he does not find six other men, I will take his side.”
“Don’t.” It is all I can say. It is childish. It is futile. I know this. I know that he has to do it. That if he did not do it he would not be the man whose company I had come to enjoy. But there is something in me that is telling me that it is too big of a risk. That a trial of seven does not truly leave any winners - only survivors with great wounds.
Baelor smiles at me before he speaks.
“I cannot make my decision because some young girl is worried for me”
Some young girl.
It feels like lightning strikes me. Sets me on fire. Shatters me like a lonesome tree and splits me in half.
“I see” My voice shakes as it leaves. My eyes are focused on the floor as I take a step back. “The hour is late. Goodnight, your grace”
My name leaves his lips, but my feet are already carrying me out of there. It seems that I had been a foolish young girl. The prince had not seen me as just another young girl like Gwin. I was just another girl to charm to make their fathers more pleased with the crown. Still when sleep finally finds me the only face I see in my dreams is the one of the prince that spoke to me underneath the oak tree. Surely, he would not speak to me like that if I was in fact just some young girl.
…
It is still dark when I wake again and it seems all of Ashford is preparing for what is to come. My parents have sent for me, saying that our family must go to the stands together to sit in the royal box and show our support for the crown. I do not want to go. I do not wish to see the debacle. But I know better than to question my father.
“Where the fuck is your brother?” is how my father greets me when I meet up with them outside in the cold and muddy courtyard to head toward the royal box.
“I do not know, father.”
“I thought you two were attached to the hip” he grunts before walking and urging us to follow him. My mother does so without missing a beat, being silent as she had been all my life. Barely uttering a word if it was not absolutely necessary. My sister falls behind gracefully and I walk beside her.
“Have you seen him, Miria?” She looks at me, then father, before turning her eyes toward me again and whispering an answer.
“No. But I did hear the servants saying that he never came to his chambers last night.”
I stop in my tracks. Miria and my parents do not notice, they keep walking. Never came to his chambers. If Roman had not come back to sleep in the castle, there was only one place that he could be - there was only one person he could be with. A person who had come to like the hedge knight whose trial would put fourteen men on a battlefield.
He could not be doing this. He could not be doing this. He could not be doing this.
It is all that runs through my mind while running through the mud to where I hoped I would see strangers in armour and not one familiar face. Yet as my feet carry me closer I see the helmet and the armour that I have seen so many years. Being in our luggage for tourney after tourney. Seeing it prepared for early mornings in the training yard where he would train endlessly until our father is at least indifferent to the result and not disappointed.
“What in the seven above is wrong with you” A breathless scream as I shove him in the back. Roman turns around with a half smile.
“That is quite a way to say ‘Good luck’, my dear sister”
“Do not ‘dear sister’ me” I point at him and as my eyes start to prickle with tears, Romans smiles falter and he takes a deep breath. He goes to say something but I do not let him. “Why are you doing this? Is this Lyonels idea? Because if so I will kill him if you go through with this,I am serious I will -”
He says my name and puts his hands on my shoulders. “This is not Lyonels idea. Yes, he will fight too but I am not doing it because of him. I am doing it because I want to. Because I want to stand beside other knights who believe in protecting the innocent and to prove I am good at this.”
The last words reveal much more than my brother realizes. My brother is an honorable and good man, he really is. However, the only thing that has steered him in this direction is one thing - winning the approval of our father. To be a part of a historical event and look up and see my father actually looking somewhat content with his son. The realization makes me close my eyes. For I know in that moment that I will not be able to stop my brother. No matter what I say his pursuit of paternal approval is stronger than any words I have in my vocabulary.
“Please be careful” whispered words, while a tear escaped and ran down my cheek. “The ride home will be dreadful without you”
He laughs before embracing me, his armour digging slightly into my sides but I do not care. When we part I look at the other men standing close to us. Counting heads. There are only six men.
“He does not have enough men” The color in my face drains - I feel it. I feel the coldness in my cheeks and lips.
“Do not worry, Ser Steffon Fossoway is to join us too. He only seems to be running a bit late”
A breath of relief escapes me and an involuntary smile takes form on my lips. This does not go unnoticed by Roman. That is the issue of having a close ally for all of your life. Someone who you tell every thought and secret to. They notice everything. He leans in close to whisper.
“What are you not telling me?”
“The crown prince was intending to join if Ser Duncan the Tall could not find six other men.” The words are carefully picked out before I utter them. Even though they are whispered to my closest confidant, it feels as if the knights can hear us. It feels like the entire realm can hear me as I stand there in the stoned archway. Therefore I say that he intended to join if six other men could not be found - not that he believed what Ser Duncan the Tall did was right and that his nephew was wrong. Therefore I say the crown prince and not prince Baelor - his name feeling too intimate, too sacred.
Roman only smiles at me. “Your prince is quite something”
“He is not my prince!” My brows furrow and he laughs before putting a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
“If that would have happened, I would have made sure he was okay.” I roll his eyes at him and go to say something else when Lyonel comes to us. It is time. I give Roman a last hug. We do not speak. Only embrace each other before I go to the royal box and he enters the field.
…
When Ser Steffon breaks his promise to Ser Duncan. When Ser Duncan lacks one more knight. When he asks if there are any true knights among them. I know what will happen. I do not even look when Baelor rides in wearing his son’s armour. I do not share the crowd's surprise when he takes off the helm and declares whose side he will fight alongside. I do not rise when the rest of the crowds do. I am numb.
“What is he doing?” Miria snarls in a whisper. For the first time in my life I could not help but think that my sister's cruel judgment was justified.
The battle commences and my eye focuses on two people among the fourteen - Roman and Baelor. In one of the beginning strikes Prince Aerion throws a dagger meant for Ser Duncan but Roman covers him and the dagger lands on the side of his neck. He pulls it out and continues the battle.
Both of them - Roman and Baelor - are good. It is clear that Baelor has more experience, he is more sure in his strikes and showcases a strength that one can only get through years of hard work. However, there is a spiky energy that Baelor lacks and that my brother possesses. It seems he is moving across the field like the wind - one moment he is fighting Ser Steffon, then Prince Maekar and then the kingsguard.
I see it when it happens. Prince Maekar swings his mace toward Baelor but Roman steps in. The mace hits him on the side of the neck - the same place he had received Prince Aerions dagger. He stumbles but is quick on his feet and keeps on fighting.
A few minutes later Ser Duncan holds up Prince Aerion who withdraws his accusation and just like that - it is over. I stand up before anyone else does. I do not care that I hear my father call for me as I run past the crowd, past servants and past curious eyes. They had both survived. They were both standing when it had ended. They were both fools, but they were alright.
When I reach them the men are tending to Ser Duncans wounds. My eyes meet Baelors, he has taken off the helm. He looks tired but despite it he gives me a small nod and smile. Then Roman enters and I smile until he takes off his helm and I see how pale his face is.
“Roman?” I go to him and he stumbles toward me. I smell it on him. Blood and something that smells foul. Then I see it. On the side of his neck is a huge wound that is gushing blood. It is where the dagger had cut him. Where the mace later had struck him as well, only making the wound wider and more gruesome.
He mutters something unintelligible. He falls in my arms and I fall with him to the ground. The other men are trying to talk to me , or perhaps each other, but I cannot hear them. My ears are ringing.
“Roman? Roman this is not funny come on. Look at me. You will be okay” I place my hand on the side of his face and try to see the glint in his eye that always lives there - it is gone. His eyes are hollow and his breath is shallow and then it stops.
“No no no” is all that leaves my lips as tears start streaming down my cheeks. “You will not leave me. You cannot go.” I press my hand against his wound, denying the truth to make it self known to me. “I cannot do this without you”
It is Lyonel that takes hold of me and pulls me away from Roman when the maester arrives. The only thing they do is close his eyes and that is what makes me scream. It does not feel like it comes from me. It is foreign and hollow as it echoes against the stones in the archway. Later the ground would be filled with whispers of the trial, of the young knigt who had died and his sister who seemed to have gone mad with grief.
Part 4
Taglist (let me know if you want to be added): @thorins-queen-of-erebor
pairing(s): baelor "breakspear" targaryen x fem!reader
summary: When Prince Daeron Targaryen refuses your hand in marriage, it puts you between a rock and a hard place. The rock being a deadly sex potion, and the hard place being the heir to the Iron Throne.
words: 21.1k (ahaha. wtf)
cw: explicit, smut, sex pollen, fuck or die, piv sex, unprotected sex, fingering, oral sex (f receiving), virginity loss, hand kink, fluids, belly bulge, mild exhibitionism, implied voyeurism at the end, somewhat forced proximity, brat taming, soft dom!baelor, big dick baelor, baelor is a munch, older man/younger woman, age difference, discussions of pregnancy, breeding kink, mild coercion, this is all very gratuitous, marriage, possessive behavior, noble!reader, reader called 'lady' and 'girl', yearning, poisoning, magic potions, suicidal ideation, sickbed, canon typical sexism, i love you daeron baby but you very much caused this to happen, mildly edited, not beta read
a/n: i made the executive decision to use american english for this instead of the canonical british english of the books. found very little information on the dragon's breath flower as it appears in canon, so i made some bullshit up and based it on devil's trumpet. don't ask me about the capitalization of nothin. Mircalla is named for Mircalla Karnstein from Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu. Maester Florin named bc I couldn't just call the fucker Thorin Oakenshield. whatever
thank you again to my babes @urhoneycombwitch and @runawaywerewolf for being so nice to me while i lost my mind about this <3
ALL MY WORKS ARE 18+ MINORS DNI
The Targaryens believe that they have the fire of dragons coursing through their veins, but you aren't certain that it's true. If they did, you don't see how they could get anything done, at all. Because right now you do, and it's agony.
Everything hurts. From your head to your toes it feels like your body is filled with venom, burning beneath your skin, your muscles all convulsing in waves of destruction that leave you all but incapacitated. Milk of the poppy does not help, and nor does wine. If you were delirious it would probably be more bearable, but unfortunately your mind is devastatingly sharp. It feels like you have even more awareness of everything than you normally do— your skin is so hypersensitive that you can feel every fibre of your sweat-drenched chemise, and you can feel the temperature of every breath you take as it fills your lungs. The lights are too bright, sounds are louder, flavors more vibrant on your tongue. Every little thing that is happening around you gets filed into your mind so that you feel, in no uncertain terms, like you could fight an entire army yourself and survive. If you were able to move beyond the pain.
You've really done it this time. You didn't believe that the potion was anything dangerous; otherwise you wouldn't have put it in your wine. You were under the impression that it was just a little charm, something cooked up by a wise woman to make lovesick people sleep better at night. You expected it to put a gleam in your eye and a skip in your step, but not this.
"Put this in your wine and watch your love blossom like a rose in bloom," the old lady had told you as she pressed the vial into your outstretched hand. She had taken your coin readily enough and ignored the skeptical look that your lady's maid, Mircalla, had given her. "Drink deep. Enjoy the fortune of love."
Fortune of love, indeed. You're dying. You can tell just by the look on Maester Florin's face as he tests the remnants of the bottle in the corner with some convoluted apothecary setup he's constructed on your vanity table. You feel as though you have one eye on the bubbling beakers, and another eye on Mircalla as she sits by your bedside and dabs a damp cloth over your forehead.
"Is there anything I can get for you?" she asks quietly, and you know that she means well, but you have to physically stop yourself from smacking her hand away. The cloth is too rough on your forehead, scratching and squelching in your ears with the sound of the water, which smells of ale and sour fruit. Perhaps the bucket she used to bring the water in previously had been used to brew cider, but now it just makes the water stink.
"Nothing else, please," you croak at her with as much grace as you can muster. You lightly grab her wrist, squeeze it. "Thank you, Mircalla. Your services won't be needed anymore today, I think. I would not want you to see this any further."
"I am not certain that I should—"
"No. Go, please—" You just barely manage to turn your head away before a spasm of white-hot pain rips through your body, and you scream as you plant your face into your pillow. Both Mircalla and the maester jump at the shrillness of it.
"They're happening more frequently," you hear her mutter to him as she carries the bucket toward the door. "Shall I send for someone? A septon, perhaps?"
"Not yet, thank you. I must discuss the lady's affliction with her privately."
You close your eyes as if to block out the rush of sound that comes from the hall upon Mircalla opening your chamber door. You know that most— if not all— of your own family members, have retreated to other areas of the Red Keep. You assume that it's because you've been screaming loud enough to wake the dead, but perhaps there are other things happening in the castle that are more important than you managing to poison yourself.
"Maester," you grumble out dryly, your voice crackling in your throat. Now that the water is gone you aren't being assaulted by the smell of old cider, but the air still reeks of incense and acrid fumes from whatever his alchemy wrought. "I know I am dying. Just tell me why."
Maester Florin clears his throat and shifts on his feet, holding the little glass vial in his fingers. "My lady. You say that you bought this from a market stall?"
"Yes."
"And… did the seller tell you precisely what it was?"
"She said it was a potion," you tell him, tensing as a wave of pain swells up but then recedes before it can hit its peak, "to bring fortune in love. Nothing more."
There is a long silence, and you wonder if the maester has gone back to his work. You open your eyes a crack to look at him, but he is still standing in the same spot, seemingly deep in thought. Finally, he chances, "It is… not for me to ask what use you have of this potion…"
You groan, and it has nothing to do with the pain coursing through your body. You can't even gather the strength to cover your face in embarrassment, so you simply close your eyes.
It is common knowledge within the castle walls that Prince Daeron refused your hand in marriage after you were presented to him. He cited 'conflicting personalities' as the reason for his refusal— however, you had never had a complete conversation with Prince Daeron. There was no possible way that your personalities could be in conflict; you'd barely met him. Which meant that there was another reason for his refusal.
You knew that neither the King, nor the Crown Prince or his brother were pleased about it. It caused immense trouble for House Targaryen; your own family is one of the Targaryens' greatest allies, so it would only cause a rift between the two households if you were to be turned away with no good reason. House Targaryen could not afford to lose your family's alliance, and so you were asked to remain in King's Landing for another two weeks— or, to put it more plainly, until Prince Maekar or another of the Targaryens could convince Daeron to change his mind.
All of the muscles in your abdomen lock up, and what feels like a roaring hot fire rushes through your body all at once. You scream again, your back threatening to arch off the bed with your convulsing. It hurts so much. How could it possibly hurt so much? How could this little vial of fluid be enough to make you feel like you're burning alive from the inside out? You can hear your own scream ringing around the stone walls of the chamber, loud enough to startle a couple crows off of the eaves outside the open window.
While you're still curled into a ball on the bed, catching your breath, you hear a swift knock on the chamber door before it creaks open. There, you catch a whiff of spice and musk, rich and full. Your eyes fly open in horror as the source of the scent steps into the room with all the lordly grace of the seven kingdoms.
"Maester Florin," comes Prince Baelor Breakspear's voice, usually grounding and calming, but right now it hits you like a lightning bolt in the chest, knocking the very wind out of your lungs. "There seems to be much commotion. May I inquire as to how the lady is faring?"
Maester Florin bows. "Your Grace, I—"
"No."
The word tumbles out of your mouth before you can even stop it. Everything was manageable, more or less, until the Crown Prince entered the room, but now… now, his scent fills your lungs, his words are in your ears, you can practically taste him on the air, like peppercorn and sweet juniper. Your heart pounds in your ribcage like it's trying to escape, your blood singing with fire and your skin prickling with sweat.
You don't want to think about Prince Baelor right now. Each time he comes to mind, it's with an enormous wave of pain ripping through your entire body, as though the very thought of him causes the affliction to double its efforts to end you. Even so, in your mind you see the image of the Prince's concerned face when he stepped into your sick room one day ago, to make the same inquiry and send for a maester to attend you.
You have to get out. You have to leave before the next wave of pain kills you.
You're so tense that when you try to flop over on the bed, you look like a cockroach trying to right itself. "No. No no no no—" In spite of the pain in your muscles, you grab the corner of the goose down mattress and pull yourself toward the edge of the bed, until your upper body hangs off the side, limp as a wet rag.
"My lady, that is inadvisable—" Maester Florin rushes towards you as soon as your fingers meet the stone floor. "You will hurt yourself without assistance."
"Has she been like this the entire time?" Baelor's voice remains steady, but there is a newer, sharper quality to it: he's displeased. If you were to chance a look at him, you would see the carefully concealed worry beneath his practiced diplomacy, but you cannot bring yourself to look his way for fear that it might end you.
Instead, you continue trying to throw yourself from the bed, while Maester Florin actively tries to put you back in it. "No, Your Grace. Aside from the— the screaming—"
Florin's hand connects with your shoulder, and you just about punch him, the pain is so excruciating. Instead, you whack your hand against the front of his robes and bunch them in your fist to pull him close to your face.
"I asked you a question, Maester," you growl at him with a livid expression, watching his eyes widen at your sudden outburst. "Why is this happening?"
"You consumed a powerful aphrodisiac." He swallows, his eyes nervously flitting in Baelor's direction.
You make the grave mistake of following Florin's gaze, and you look at Baelor. The Hand of the King stands at the foot of your sickbed, his eyes focused on you, and only you. His face remains impassive, yet his fingers twitch as though he is contemplating what he can do to intervene.
You push Maester Florin away and begin frantically clawing your way back up the bed towards the headboard. You can feel it: the next wave of heat and pain, building in your toes and hands, inching down your limbs. "Nonono— Maid and Mother's fucking tits."
You manage to plant your face in the pillow before you let out another scream, but this time it seems worse, like you might actually split in half from the pain. You don't know how much more of it you can take. You've drenched your threadbare chemise in sweat, to the point that it doesn't really preserve your modesty anymore. All it does is stick to your damp, oversensitive skin, irritating you and making the sensory overload that much worse.
Once the pain subsides, you begin to rip at the offending garment in an attempt to draw it over your head. You're babbling nonsense, fragments of sentences and profanities that you don't even remember having in your repertoire, but you can still hear Maester Florin as he rattles off technical explanations to his Prince.
"—was purchased from a market stall— seems to be a tincture of moonbloom and gilliflower— another ingredient I have not yet identified—"
Before you can manage to muscle the useless chemise over your head, a hand settles on your back directly between your shoulder blades.
"Don't do that, my lady."
Baelor's voice is directly over your shoulder, gentle but stern. His hand presses solidly between your shoulders, holding the fabric of your chemise against your overheated flesh. You blink, seeing nothing but the headboard of the bed and cream colored linen, but feeling surrounded by him. His scent, his touch, his voice, so close and so strong, should hurt. It should hurt, because until now the barest touch has been agony, exacerbating the pain and torment.
But Baelor's touch does nothing. It's the oddest thing, enough to make you stop moving and tensing up for just a moment. You are still too hot, your skin is still too sensitive, but the only warmth and sensation that Baelor's hand brings is… comforting. Relief emanates from the single point of contact, bleeding through your body in tangible ripples that seem to stretch out down your spine and along your limbs.
That is, until the relief settles low. And then it becomes something else, something arguably worse than the pain. Your core muscles draw up tight and aching, and the heat and agony is replaced with devastating, almost crippling arousal.
You gasp, your back arching dramatically like that of a frightened cat, and you practically throw yourself away from Baelor with all the grace of a scared animal. Or, at least, you try to leap from the bed, but your body is sluggish, and Baelor Breakspear is nothing if not a quick combatant.
As soon as you try to take off, bouncing up like one of the crows into the air, Baelor's arm comes around your waist and drags you back down to the mattress. Try as you might to wriggle free and fling yourself to the floor, Baelor is strong, a force to be reckoned with.
"Stop this at once." Baelor's voice is still just as firm, but the gentility with which he orders you is… it's awful. He commands you with kindness and patience. "I will not abide you hurting yourself."
"Already hurts," you argue, although it's more of a lie the longer Baelor holds you.
It's as though he has the cure to your ailment within his very palms. But, while he holds you down, cradling you with your back to his chest, your arousal grows to a horrifying degree. You can feel your core muscles contract and release, the wetness between your legs smearing your thighs. There is a very likely chance that you may cum without any other form of stimulation, and you will not be able to survive that amount of humiliation. Perhaps he cannot abide you hurting yourself, but you cannot abide acting like a whore in the Prince of Dragonstone's arms.
You make a small, frantic noise in the back of your throat, and whimper, "I have to go. Let me go. Please. Please— Please. My lord, let me go. I have to go."
The small skirmish nears its end as you plant your hands on his forearm and try to push it away, but your hands are too weak and his arm is like a steel belt holding you down.
"Go where?" His voice is too close to your ear. You shiver in his arms, clamping your thighs together to stave off the new waves of heat coalescing between them. Goosebumps break out across your skin, and you feel your eyes widen. He sounds so fucking calm when he says, "There are several flights of stairs to descend before you reach the ground floor. Your only other option is the window, and you will break every bone in your body no matter which way you decide to go, unless you can walk. Can you walk?"
Only if you're touching me. You grit your teeth. "I have to try."
"No." It's Baelor who says it this time, and in spite of all your fighting, you can't seem to drum up any more of it.
You have to admit that it's a relief to not be in pain anymore, even if you have an entirely different set of problems to contend with, now. You slump forward in his arms, hanging your head as you dumbly squeeze at the fabric of his sleeve. "It is not proper for you to be holding me this way, Your Grace."
"I fear that it would be less proper of me to allow you to throw yourself from the window," Baelor explains rationally. Still, he releases his arm from around your waist, only bringing a hand up to move your hair away from your face. You have to physically fight not to press your overheated cheek into the cradle of his hand, like a cat seeking out affection. He pauses, and then says, "Maester, you said that you had not identified an ingredient of the tincture. Could it be dragon's breath?"
"No, Your Grace." Maester Florin speaks from across the room, where he retreated back to his apothecary setup. "With respect, I am familiar with dragon's breath. I would have been able to identify its presence with relative ease."
"She smells of it." Baelor does not say it unkindly.
"It is possible that while the tincture is in her system, the aphrodisiac effects may occur outwardly as well." Florin pauses, then clarifies, "That is, it will cause her to look, smell, or sound in ways that… some may consider… attractive, Your Grace."
Baelor remains silent. The implication hangs solidly in the air. You notice almost immediately that the maester did not include taste in that assessment, although it lingers in the subtext. The Prince is being effected by your presence, even if it is not to the same degree that you are being effected by his.
"You never answered my question, Maester," you finally interject. "Why is it killing me?"
You feel Baelor's fingers tense on your shoulder just slightly at the question, but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he waits while Florin seems to flounder for a moment, and then gently supplements, "Please answer the lady's question."
Florin looks deeply uncomfortable. "Your Grace, it's… of quite a delicate subject matter. I hesitate to cause yourself or the lady any offense—"
"Seven above, just spit it out, already!" You swipe your arm across your sweaty forehead, desperate to put an end to the hedging about. "I've been laying here dying for ages! What is it, what?"
"That's enough, now." Baelor holds a hand up to silence you, and you almost think you might bite it, except that he has such beautiful hands. You wouldn't want to mar them. You stare unabashedly at his silver ring and the lines on his palm, and you start… salivating.
Gods be good. You're going to eat him.
Florin hesitates only a second more. "This aphrodisiac… although the recipes differ across various regions, it is normally intended as a… a temporary cure for impotence and infertility. It is… I believe it is primarily used in brothels, to make— er… intercourse more— ehm. Pleasurable?"
You blink. "If it's meant to be pleasurable, then why does it hurt so much?" You still refuse to admit that you're already experiencing the so-called pleasurable function— that is, you're soaking the mattress with it the longer Baelor keeps his hand on your shoulder.
"Well, it is usually taken with the intention of… ehm. Using it for its innate purpose, you see. The aphrodisiac will remain in one's system until it has been expelled during copulation."
Baelor drops his hand from your shoulder and takes a step back. You feel the loss like a punch in the gut— quite literally, all of your muscles tighten at once, and you double over in pain.
Through clenched teeth, you say, "So, you mean I have to… to have sex?" The look on the maester's face says everything you need to know. "Or what? What if I don't? I'm— it hurts so much, I can't— I wouldn't be able to do anything… not on my own."
Your face burns at the admission. The humiliation— the irony of it all is unbelievable. The little lady took a love potion and now can't fuck herself properly enough to get it out of her system. The only hand she reacts to is the one she can't have, because it belongs to the Realm.
Florin chews on his lip while he thinks, and then explains, "This particular recipe seems more aggressive than most. That is likely due to the unidentifiable ingredient. The potion is, essentially, a slow acting poison. If it is not used for its intended purpose… I suppose, generally, there will be immense pain and fits for… three days after ingestion. Delirium sets in after about two days. And then—" His eyes flit from you, to Baelor, and back. "Then, my lady, I'm afraid you will die."
One Week Earlier
Admittedly, you knew it wouldn't work the minute you saw Daeron. He looked green about the face, his eyes so red and bleary that you thought he would keel over at any moment. If you hadn't heard him called 'Daeron the Drunken' behind closed doors, you would have tried to somehow politely ask if he was ill. Instead, you just assumed he'd had one too many before showing up to your presentation in court.
No, you aren't surprised that he turned down the offer of marriage. You were, however, surprised that he did not deliver the news himself. Instead, he sent a servant with a note while you were eating breakfast, and left you to bring it before the King. The entire meeting went over about the way you expected. Prince Maekar went to find Daeron, Prince Baelor apologized for his nephew's rudeness and the inconvenience, and the King assured you that all would be made well.
The truth of the matter is that you have no interest in Daeron, anyway. You do not want a husband who refuses to talk to you, even if his drunkenness was not an issue. Daeron has given you no reason to desire him— at this point, the prospect of the marriage would be a matter of your family's social and financial standing, and your own status as a Princess.
Now that the castle is sufficiently in an uproar about Daeron's refusal, you have made your gracious retreat to the gardens. You don't want to be in the castle any longer than you have to. Your family has already suggested leaving King's Landing in two days' time, and even so, it feels like too long to wait.
From the gardens, you look out over Blackwater Bay, watching ships disappear one by one over the horizon. You have no idea how long you sit there, but the sun slowly creeps lower and lower in the sky, until golden light filters through the leaves of the trees.
"My lady." For how large of a man Baelor is, he is light on his feet. You hadn't heard him approach, and so you jump when he addresses you, spinning around to find him standing a respectable distance away from your bench. When you stand to curtsy, he gives you an indulgent smile. "It appears that you've been out here for some time. I only wanted to ensure all was well."
You fight not to raise an eyebrow at the Prince. "You must have been watching me closely, then, Your Grace."
He squints, then pivots to peer up at the Tower of the Hand, looming over the Red Keep. "Not so close, I should think."
You snicker at that, casting your eyes away from him. Baelor is a handsome man, and kind. You find your awareness lingering on him above all others, and you're beginning to fear that your crush is becoming obvious. You feel nervous in his presence in only the best way, as though you may trip over your own tongue and say something entirely unbecoming just as soon as you open your mouth. That feeling is… refreshing, in the right company. But Baelor is heir apparent to the Iron Throne, Protector of the Realm, and you are simply a noble lady much younger than him, with the prospect of marrying his nephew. Any fantasies you indulge can only be that.
"May I join you a moment?" Baelor asks, and despite your internal angst, you cannot bring yourself to refuse him.
Perhaps it would be more proper to have your lady's maid here with you, but Mircalla has other things to be doing now, and so you sit a respectable distance away from Baelor on the bench while staring out to sea and wishing it was not respectable at all.
"In my week at court, I've discovered that I quite like this view," you say after a beat, to puncture the tight shroud of silence that settles between the two of you. "I enjoy watching the waves. I wonder what it's like to be one of them, sometimes. Rolling always towards the shore."
"Or dashing upon the rocks?"
You hum. "At least they know where they're going, rocks or no."
You retreat back into silence with him, and watch him out of the corner of your eye as he twirls his silver ring around his finger idly. He seems to be thinking hard about something, eyes fixed on the horizon with a purpose. It gives you just a moment to admire his profile— his strong, twice-broken nose, his furrowed brow, the touches of silvery gray in his close-cropped dark hair. The small freckle on his cheekbone. The stretch of his neck from beneath his collar, begging for a pair of lips or a tongue to lavish it.
"My lady, allow me to extend my apologies once more for my nephew's behavior," Baelor says finally, and you turn your eyes quickly back out to sea. "It is not the first time Daeron has been irresponsible with delicate matters. Although, it is also the fault of we who expect responsibility from him, that there must be an apology."
"I don't think it's unreasonable to expect responsibility from a prince," you answer without thinking, and then suddenly remember who you are speaking to. "…Your Grace."
"No. On that, we agree." There is a light chuckle in his voice, a slight humor that you imagine is meant to make you feel more at ease. "I do not imagine that Daeron will take long to rectify his behavior, however."
You feel a girlish temper flare within you at the idea that Daeron could rectify anything. You take a long, sobering breath, smelling sea salt and garden flowers on the air.
"You were married, Your Grace. You know quite well how to approach a—" Woman. You want to say it, but you feel it would be too forward. You reconsider, and continue instead with, "a betrothal. Do you believe that anything Daeron has done makes for a… a loving marriage?"
Baelor considers your question with the attention you would expect from the King's Hand. Then, he answers, "I would not hazard a guess as to the sincerity of Daeron's feelings toward you, my lady. Only he can truly know the answer to that. Though, it may bring you some comfort to know that…" He pauses thoughtfully. "My own marriage was not for love. It was arranged, as duty demanded. But, in time, I do believe Jena and I came to love one another, as well as a match made in service to the Crown would allow. Perhaps your marriage to Daeron would be the same."
You sit with his words. Enter into a loveless marriage, having already been besmirched by the man who you would bind yourself to, and hope that love will come in spite of it all. It sounds like a fool's errand.
"Be that as it may, I believe Daeron has already done some irreparable damage to my reputation." When you see Baelor turn his head just barely toward you, you supplement, "My lady's maid, Mircalla, shares with me the gossip I would otherwise be protected from. Sometimes, it can be… harsh. She is honest with me, which is a quality I admire most, you understand." You look down at your hands to find yourself tearing at your own cuticles in your nervousness. "She told me some hours ago that there are rumors floating about as to why— why Daeron would refuse me. Some speculated that we fought upon first meeting. Others suggest that I am pregnant with another man's bastard. Or— Or that we have already slept together, and that Daeron was not pleased with me. Can you imagine…?"
Your voice fades out on a horrified whisper. Although none of these rumors are true, each of them deal a blow to your reputation in turn. Your eyes sting with tears the longer you think of the different stories concocted about you.
"Although it may satisfy me to have Daeron grovel and beg forgiveness, it makes no difference. From now on I will be known as the whore that Daeron refused."
Out of the corner of your eye, you catch Baelor pressing his lips together tightly, raising his chin just a tick. The Prince is quiet for a moment, while you bite back your tears and turn your face away from him.
"You say that honesty is a trait that you value," Baelor remarks, and waits until you nod at him in response. "Then please trust me to be honest. I cannot imagine that anyone would truly believe that of you, my lady. You see, I have had the privilege of knowing you during your time at the Red Keep, and I find you to be exceptional in every way. I can't imagine it, because I cannot fathom anyone viewing you as anything else."
You finally turn to fix him with a watery stare, and find him looking back at you with such solitary focus that you practically wither beneath his gaze. For the first time, you notice that Baelor's eyes are two different colors. The castle is not brightly lit inside, and you have never been close enough to him to notice it, until now. One brown, one violet, they lend even more of a sense of mystery to his handsome features. You have a mind to mention it— you open your mouth to tell him that they're beautiful, but then you think better of it.
He's the Prince of Dragonstone. The Hand of the King. There is nothing that could bring you together.
Baelor holds a hand out to you, his palm facing upward. You peer down at it for a moment before placing your hand delicately in his. Baelor's thumb gently brushes your knuckles, his hand practically dwarfing your own. His palm is so warm, and when he places his other hand atop yours, your skin feels engulfed in flames.
"However," Baelor says, and locks you in his stare, "I can believe that rumors abound. It is an unfortunate effect of being highborn that many will speak on what they know nothing about. But rumors seldom bear any truth. They reflect nothing of your true nature. I assure you that House Targaryen, Daeron included, will understand that."
You blink down at your hand, enveloped in both of his. Daeron. Of course, all of this is to convince you not to lose hope, that Daeron will change his mind, that Daeron will decide to marry you.
"I… thank you for your kindness, Your Grace," you respond, for lack of anything else to say. You know that he's being as fair in his judgment as possible, but he has a duty to the King and to House Targaryen. Gently, you withdraw your hand from his as you add, "Unfortunately, I regret that my family are displeased with Daeron's refusal. I understand that they have designs on leaving King's Landing in two days' time. While I know that both you and Prince Maekar are quite persuasive, I doubt that it provides ample time for Daeron to change his mind. I imagine he wanted to refuse me the moment he saw me."
"Why do you imagine that?"
You look out across Blackwater Bay, thinking back to your first meeting with Daeron. When you curtsyed, the princeling looked as though he was going to either throw up or faint, or both. At the time, you blamed it on the drink. Now, you're not entirely sure.
"I believe he finds me ugly."
Baelor huffs a short laugh through his nose, so quiet and subtle that you would not have caught it if you weren't sitting so close to him. You turn to look at him, appalled, and find him with a soft, reserved smile on his face.
"Well, don't laugh."
"Apologies, my lady." Still, Baelor's mouth curves up at the edges as though he just can't help himself. You watch him tongue the inside of his cheek, half-amused. "I mean no jest. I just find it rather unlikely, to be frank."
"I can't think of another reason why," you explain, finally letting your true emotions ring through. You're hurt. You had given Daeron no reason to dislike you; you had been agreeable and good-natured whenever you spoke to him. "He sent his refusal via courier. He wanted not to speak to me, and he has been quite avoidant throughout my entire visit."
"It's true," Baelor replies smoothly. "Daeron has behaved abominably. But I do know him to be kind, and mannerly when given the opportunity."
You had given Daeron plenty of opportunities. You don't want to argue with Baelor, but you think that he is viewing your situation only from the position of a Prince of the Realm.
"How many hours in the day are there? How many days in a week? Daeron could have come to me during any of them, and I would have recieved him. Kind and mannerly though he may be, Your Grace," you say, looking over at Baelor Breakspear with a challenging fire in your eyes, "no one can force a man to want, any more than they can force a horse to drink."
Baelor's expression remains frustratingly unreadable. You gaze into his mismatched eyes as though they will tell you something, anything about what he's thinking, but there is nothing there to betray him.
"Daeron would be a fool not to want you," Baelor tells you, his voice low and edged with a finality that makes you want to take it for fact. "Whether he is or is not, I cannot say. Only time will tell."
"Do you say that as a man? Or as the Hand of the King?" you ask him more pointedly than you should.
"Both."
You gaze at each other for a long time, long enough that the breeze picks up and sweeps your hair up in its gust. You watch Baelor's jaw work— as small of a gesture though it is, it is the only thing about him that tells you he's contemplating something. He is no open book, your Prince, and it frustrates you as much as it seduces you. It sets you daydreaming, watching him openly in the cool evening air as his mouth curves vaguely toward a frown. Down by his knee, he worries the silver ring on his finger.
Then, Baelor lifts his hand, and with a touch so featherlight it's almost inconsequential, he brushes your hair away from your brow and tucks it behind your ear. His skin barely even meets yours— you can explain it away as him just being chivalrous, just keeping your hair from flying into your eyes. But it's enough to make your heart lurch up into your throat, nonetheless.
"It's late," you mutter, now that the sun has dipped below the horizon and the garden is bathed in shadow. You swallow the lump in your throat, trying to regain your composure as you drop your gaze.
"It is."
"It's getting dark."
"Yes," Baelor agrees, then finally looks away from you. He squints out across the bay, staring into the distance at the absence of sun. "The dragon's breath will be blooming, now."
"Dragon's breath?" You shake your head. "I'm sorry, Your Grace, I have not heard of it."
"I'm not surprised. It's a night-blooming flower, native to Dorne. There is a crop of them not far off, if I recall. Come, I can show it to you." Baelor stands and offers you his hand once again, and this time, you do not hesitate to take it.
He leads you, arm-in-arm, down the garden path toward the godswood. Just as the treeline begins to thicken in the gloaming, Baelor brings you to a stop.
"Just there," he murmurs, guiding you to investigate a shrub low to the ground, littered with trumpet-shaped red blooms. As he stoops to pluck one from the shrub, he says, "Dragon's breath. They are sweetly fragranced, but do not be mistaken. They can be quite deadly if eaten."
"I'll make sure not to put them in my tea, then," you tell him as you take the flower he extends to you. It smells slightly of jasmine and woodsmoke when you hold it beneath your nose, careful not to let it touch your lips. "It's lovely."
"Yes," Baelor says, watching you closely. His eyes linger on yours for an extended moment, a gentle smile curving his mouth. Then, a serene look crosses his face. "It is said that the First Men would ingest it to convene with the old gods. Whether or not this is true remains to be seen, but I would not advise it, at any rate."
"No, I'd imagine not." You spend a second twirling the little red blossom, the same shade as the red thread in his doublet, the colors of House Targaryen. Quite suddenly, you observe, "They're your favorite."
Baelor is quiet for a moment. "What makes you so certain?"
"You thought of them first. You could have shown me anything in the entire Keep, but you showed me these. Obviously, they're important to you." You peer up at him, and you can't bite back your smirk. "I'm right, aren't I?"
Baelor huffs a small laugh, the second one you've managed from him. The sound of it warms the pit of your stomach. "You're rather sure of yourself."
"That isn't a 'no.'"
"Mm. It's not a 'yes,' either."
You crack a grin. "Okay. Don't tell me, then. But I'm right."
This time, when Baelor tilts his head downward, you catch him smiling, a flash of teeth and a dimple indenting his bearded cheek. It is imperfect, crooked and so very human. He hides it well, but you're able to see it before he gentles his face into a careful mask once again.
He doesn't know that you see it. It will remain your secret, a fascination to look back on when you're in need of comfort. You made the Prince of Dragonstone smile. A real smile.
"Thank you, Your Grace," you tell him quietly, still pinching the blossom in your fingers. "For your company. And your hospitality."
"The pleasure is mine." Baelor looks as though he may leave the conversation there, but then he adds, "One more word before we part, my lady, if you please?"
"Certainly." You step a touch closer to him. A cricket sounds somewhere in the brush. The night is beginning to wake around you, the longer you linger with the Prince. You wonder if you could draw the moment out long enough to see the dawn.
Baelor does not seem overly concerned about it. "I should like to extend an invitation to your family, if you believe they would be willing. Perhaps, rather than departing King's Landing in two days' time, they would agree to remain another fortnight?"
You blink at him. Another two weeks? For what, exactly?
Baelor answers your unasked question, as though he can see directly into your mind. "So that we may have ample time for Daeron to correct his mistake. Of course."
"Of course," you echo. You feel clean out of air in your lungs, stunned for something to say. "Your Grace, I— I would say that my family would have to answer that invitation for themselves. I cannot speak for the lot."
He affords you the most patient of smiles. "I would like to hear your answer before all, if you don't mind."
"Oh."
Another two weeks at the Red Keep. Two weeks for the rumors to spread, to converge and morph into even worse ones. Two weeks for Daeron to insult you by ignoring you, tarnish your reputation by refusing you a second time. Conversely, two weeks for Daeron to decide that he may tolerate your company and accept you.
You look down at the flower in your fingers. Two weeks to search for the sight of Baelor in the halls and in the councils. Two weeks to speak to him again. Two weeks to indulge in that wickedest of fantasies: that you might fall in love with Baelor Breakspear.
"Yes," you tell Baelor, quiet enough that it threatens to be spirited away on the breeze. "Yes, if my family is willing. I would be glad to stay another fortnight, at Your Grace's pleasure."
Baelor nods at you graciously. "Then I will see to your family's response in the morning. Thank you for your acceptance, my lady."
"Thank you for your invitation." You tilt your face towards the sky. "It is quite dark. I fear that I will have trouble on my way back, should I remain any longer."
"Indeed. The fault is mine, entirely. Allow me to walk you to the holdfast."
You make the journey back to the holdfast in comfortable silence. You find that you do not feel even remotely unsafe as long as Baelor is near; otherwise, you would never chance to linger outside the holdfast, even within the castle walls, after dark. But Baelor's presence is a relief. You would trust him with your life. You would probably trust him with even more than that, given the chance.
"My Prince."
You pause in the golden torchlight, only bright enough to illuminate the bridge over the dry moat. Down in the pit there is nothing but blackness, and a sense that if you stepped too close it would suck you in. Turning to Baelor, you have the dragon's breath blossom still in your fingers, and lift it to your face to take in its scent again— sweet, smoky, like a garden aflame. You can understand why he is taken with this particular flower.
Baelor watches you expectantly, a respectable distance away again, as though every part of your conversation this evening had been a diplomatic mission. Cleaning up his nephew's mess. Doing what is right for the Realm.
The idea rattles you. It cuts you deep and hits something within that you thought you'd left in your girlhood— covetousness. The desire to be shown favoritism, attention. To be wanted, not simply tolerated. You are not a girl anymore, but the King's Hand seems to bring her out of you as though it were second nature. You feel the urge to try to bring the boy out of him, which may be an insurmountable task. He is a prince, a warrior and a lord of refined poise and sophistication. But you have never been one to shy away from a challenge.
You step closer to him. Baelor does not move away, but follows you with his eyes, a reserved expression on his face. Perhaps he is trying to anticipate what you may do, but he does not show any signs of backing down. You imagine that he wouldn't, even if you threw yourself at him unceremoniously. If you kissed him like you desperately want to, open-mouthed and wet.
But you are not improper, or desperate. You are a lady, and well-versed in flattery and elegant flirtation. You take the dragon's breath, and you tuck the green stem into the gap between the silk fabric of his doublet and the Hand of the King pin that adorns his chest. It flares up from the pin, as though the fingers of the hand were holding it tight to his heart.
"Keep this safe," you say, your smile hiding your desirous stare. Your fingers rest against his chest for just a second longer than is proper, but you pull them away quickly enough, you think. "I would hate for it to go to waste."
Baelor's eyes soften. "Certainly, my lady."
"You are quite a wonderful man, my Prince." Your innermost thoughts become physical things, they turn balmy on your tongue. "If you may pardon my saying so. I have wanted to for some time, but… the opportunity did not present itself."
Baelor's brows raise just the slightest, but he does not admonish you. "I thank you for the compliment, my lady. You are very kind, indeed." A pause, a breath on the wind. "Lovely."
You stay there, held captive in his gaze. One violet, one brown. Finally, in spite of your sense of self preservation, you tell him, "Your eyes… They really are very beautiful, you know."
You do not wait for his answer or reaction before you bid him goodnight, and all but flee into the holdfast. And so, you are not able to see the way he watches after you with a lingering smile, and a longing gaze in those very eyes.
Present
Baelor sends Maester Florin away with an order to return on the morrow, and to alert the servants that you should not be disturbed. It is not without your notice that after he ushers the maester out the chamber door, he bolts it with a final clang that reverberates in your oversensitive ears.
You lay on the mussed bedsheets, curled into a ball. You are sideways in the bed; there is no point in putting yourself to rights, because the moment the next wave of pain hits you will become a writhing animal once again, a slave to the torrents of agony. Through the stringy, damp strands of your loose hair, you watch Baelor's back.
He leans against the door with both hands pressed flat to the wood, head bowed in thought. Or, is it distress? Perhaps both. You don't quite know what to make of his reaction to your situation, at all.
What you do know is that you feel a wave of heat flash through your body so fast and so sharp that all of your muscles tense at once, and you yelp from the blast of pain. Your head pounds as though your heartbeat originates from it.
Baelor turns at the sound of your anguish, and his face pinches at the sight of you, a small, trembling heap on the bed. "I will fetch Daeron."
"No."
"My lady, please."
He approaches the end of the bed, but you can't do more than follow the sight of his face with your eyes, until it passes too far into your periphery, and you must drop them to his belt. The sight of Baelor's belt inches away from your face is not something that helps your situation at all, however, and so you shut your eyes before your body manages to torment you further.
"Daeron is… unreliable, yes. And irresponsible. I know that you harbor wounded feelings towards him at the moment, but…" Baelor hesitates. Clearly, he knows that he is not making the best case for his nephew. His eyes roam your disconsolate form, and then he finishes, "But he is your best chance at survival. I am certain that he will be agreeable, at least in this pursuit."
"Do you even know if his cock works?"
Baelor is eerily silent. You don't open your eyes to look at him until you feel the mattress shift, and you find that he's sat on the foot of the bed, his back to you once again. His hands loosely grip the edge of the mattress on either side of him, and his posture betrays no real emotion. It is only when you notice the redness of his ears that you realize your words must have unnerved him.
"I would not know, my lady," Baelor answers quietly, after a moment. "Daeron has sired no bastards, as far as I am aware. His drunkenness may prove an issue, but questionable odds are better than none."
"I don't want Daeron. He doesn't want me."
"He is to be your betrothed." Baelor's words are flat, even. Clinical. "I understand that if he had not refused you, then perhaps you would not have resorted to… other methods—"
"I didn't take the fucking thing for him," you finally snap, gritting your teeth against the pain throbbing in your head and in your abdomen.
Baelor's voice surrenders to something inquisitive. "Then, why did you take it?"
Another moment of silence. Baelor is too still, his hand pressed flat to the mattress in front of your face. You stare, unblinking, at the glint of the silver ring on his finger, bearing the insignia of House Targaryen.
"I thought… perhaps there was someone else for me." You take in a shallow breath. "Although, I think my rash decision making outweighs my judgment."
Baelor turns and gives you the most indulgent smile you think you've ever received, even though there is immense pain behind his eyes.
"If you will not have Daeron… perhaps I can call another for you. Ser Duncan may be willing," he suggests, his voice just above a whisper. "Ser Duncan is a good and honorable man. I trust him with my life, and I would trust him with yours."
You stare at him in shock for a moment. "Oh… Oh, yes, of course. Ser Duncan. Ser Duncan. Why didn't I think of that? Ser Duncan the Tall." Baelor remains stoic, nonplussed at your sarcasm. Your stomach cramps up as you blather, "Or, better yet, why not call Ser Donnel as well? The entire King's Guard, even? Drag me down to the Great Yard, maybe they can take turns, pass me off—"
"Enough," Baelor finally snaps, shooting you a stern look. "I will hear no more of that sort of talk from you."
"Or what? Your Grace," you return with a wicked glare. "I will not be foisted off to the first man you think of."
Lit up with the fury of a thousand suns now, and sweating enough to show it, you push yourself up on wobbly limbs and tumble off of the bed onto the bearskin rug on the floor. You land on your aching stomach with a loud, "OOMF," and all the air painfully leaves your lungs.
"Stop this, now." Baelor sounds weary, as though he's bored of a game you're playing.
"No. Leave me." You crawl clumsily across the rug towards the chamber window. "I'm not going to lay there, dying in agony and— and losing my mind. I'd rather throw myself out of the tower. Let me die with quiet dignity and grace."
"Quiet dignity and grace," he eventually repeats, incredulous. He hasn't even gotten up from the end of the bed, but just watches you, fascinated with your display. "You know, I fathered two boys. Theatrics don't impress me, especially when negotiating."
"Yes, remind me again of how you're so amazing at everything, like— fathering sons, and— negotiating," you growl, huffing with the exertion of your endeavor. "Because you're— you're so fucking perfect and chivalrous. The Hammer. With your— fucking— giant, veiny— host of Dornish spearmen."
"My, you're verbose."
It's only when you threaten to tip the table by the window, as you attempt to haul yourself up to your feet, that Baelor rises. He reaches you in three quick strides, snatches you about the waist and throws you over his shoulder, just to carry you back to the bed. Your small amount of spite-fueled energy spent, you merely hang on him like a sack of straw.
Baelor lays you down so that your head hits the pillow, your hands thrown above your head. "Are you quite finished?" he asks sharply, looming over you, his eyes boring into yours. His jaw set, he states, "I am trying to save your life."
"And I am no one's whore." You stare defiantly up into the eyes of Baelor Targaryen, willing him to yield.
And, to your surprise, he does. His eyes soften, his jaw untensing as he lets out a slow, defeated sigh. "No, you are not."
He sits back, his hands still pressed into the mattress on either side of you. You miss his proximity like a lost limb.
"Forgive me. I have been presumptuous in my suggestions. I would never force you into any situation against your will or desires." A pause. "But I cannot sit idle and let you die. I beg you, my lady. Name someone, anyone, who you would trust in this matter. Someone who you would accept. I will bring them to you without question."
You gaze up at him tearfully, and feel another wave of heat blooming in your hands and feet. You press your tongue to the back of your teeth and take in the sight of him, so poised and regal, even when faced with an unmanageable task.
"Baelor."
Your hand— small, clammy with sweat and shaky from the fatigue in your limbs— reaches out and finds his— large, warm, grounding. You pull at his hand, and he lets you. His head turns just slightly, watching you as you cradle his large palm in your two hands and press it firmly against your chest, just below your collarbone.
Whatever this magic is, be it gods sent or gods cursed, it reacts the second his skin touches yours. Your entire body sparks alive with sensation— but rather than the unrelenting heat and pain of the poison coursing through your veins, it's solace. You let out a soft moan at the feeling, like gentle sunlight flooding through your body the moment that his fingers lace with yours.
"My Prince," you whisper shakily, and feel his fingers flex just slightly against your chest. Your heart pounds against your ribcage so hard that you know he feels it. He can probably feel the unbelievable heat radiating off of you. "It's— I feel so much pain. I hear the voices of the guards on the ramparts and I taste— I taste the salt from the sweat on your brow. I feel as though I will rip in two when the waves come, and nothing has made it better except— except you. When you touch me. Your hands on me… it's you."
Baelor is quiet, listening to your rambling speech. Tears stream from your eyes. It is both a relief and a terror to confess what you feel to him.
Then, Baelor removes his hand from your chest and brings it to cup the side of your face. The tenderness of his touch strips you to the bone. You feel like you're breathing only for him, like he commands the very air that gives your body function. His thumb brushes your damp hair away from your face, wiping away your tears with it, and he gazes down at you with such care, such affection.
He says your name softly, but there's a touch of sadness in it. He closes his eyes, breathes in long and slow through his nose. "I cannot do what you ask. You must name another."
"Please." You make a frail noise in the back of your throat, feeling as though you may begin sobbing in a moment. You shake your head, lifting one hand to clutch at Baelor's wrist.
"I cannot," he insists, although he doesn't pull his hand away from you. You don't know if he is bearing in mind what you told him— that his touch is the only thing that keeps the pain from tormenting you. There is palpable tension in his expression, his brow furrowed and his mouth set in a firm line. "I am the King's Hand and heir to the throne. If you were to be gotten with my child, it would cause a scandal."
"I am already rumored to be pregnant, remember? House Targaryen has weathered far worse than a bastard child," you remark weakly.
"But you have not. I would not dishonor you in such a way." When you pout and look as though you may argue, he continues, "Whatever rumors circulate about you, we need not give them merit."
"So you would have me carry another man's bastard, instead?"
Baelor snaps his mouth shut, his expression turning suddenly guarded. He makes as though he may pull his hand back as he turns away from you, and your stomach drops.
"Baelor, no."
You clap your own hand over his, turning to nuzzle into the warmth of his palm. On instinct, you plant your lips against his skin, and it's as though something savage bursts alive within you. Some greedy, desperate thing takes hold as your eyes drift shut, with each breath tasting the warmth and spice of his skin as though your tongue were flush to it.
"Don't let go," you whisper into the cradle of his hand. "If you let go of me the pain will return, and I can't— I can't bear it anymore, Baelor, I can't—"
"I know. I won't let you go, darling." He sounds strained even as he reassures you, but he doesn't remove his hand.
There is a long silence, while you practically lose yourself in the feeling of just… giving in. You relax into the glowing feeling, hot pleasure sweeping through your body, up your limbs and into your core, replacing any pain that had been there before. It's glorious. It distracts you, pulls your mind away from the reality of the situation— that you cannot simply have him hold your face and hope that the poison works its way out of your system on its own.
Without meaning to, you drag your parted lips along his fingers, as though exploring them just with your mouth. His fingers are so long. Slender and dextrous, calloused from hours of sword training. You feel each bump and ridge against your mouth and you're trying so hard not to sink your teeth in. Your lower lip catches on the band of his silver ring and draws back, letting the smallest flash of your teeth graze his skin.
You hear his breath catch, and your eyes fly open, suddenly aware of what you're doing. Baelor watches you from the corner of his eye as you press your face into his touch, his jaw locked up tight, his free hand a fist where it rests on his knee.
You feel as though you should apologize, but you can't bring yourself to. Apologize for what? For desiring him? Wanting him? He's so handsome. His differently colored eyes study you, a painful reminder of it. You stare back at him, imagining what it would be like to trace his face with your lips, as well.
"You told me once that Daeron would be a fool not to want me," you say, and you take a purposefully slow breath, because if you don't you may start heaving for air. "Are you a fool, my Prince?"
Baelor lets out a soft sigh, and looks quickly away from you. His fingers twitch slightly against your cheek. He's silent for a long time, long enough that you begin to fear you've misread him, confused his kindness for something deeper.
But then he tilts his head down, and without looking at you, he says quietly, "I am not, my lady. Though, whether my desire in itself is foolish, I have no idea. I may be doomed for it."
"Then… perhaps we are both doomed," you admit, your eyes practically dancing over his features. "I can't think around my desire for you. All I know is that you— you are all that I want in the world. Scandals and suspicious potions be damned."
"Gods above." You watch Baelor roll his eyes toward the ceiling. When he returns his eyes to you, it's with a look of solemn admiration. He strokes his knuckles along the curve of your jaw. "I'm beginning to believe you exist simply to torment me."
You allow yourself to fashion a wobbly smile. "Me? Torment the Breakspear? Never."
Baelor huffs a quiet laugh, looking away from you in a manner that is almost… shy. You can see his jaw flex beneath his short beard and a rosy flush come over his face, and—
You just made Baelor blush.
You lay with that, watching him in the silence. His hand drifts from grazing your jaw to resting flat against your collarbone again, and you lift your own to trace your fingers languidly along the back of his palm. You can hear his breath come out shaky at the light contact, and it's just enough to give you the clarity to really, truly think about this.
His hands on you could be enough, you realize. You practically came the moment that he touched you, and if this magic can just be expelled from your system by an orgasm, it might be that he doesn't need to do anything more than just… put his hands on you. It feels good enough as it is— the heat of him, the smell and the feeling of him, are all adding to the pleasurable fire burning in your core. But, if you felt his hands go… down…
"Baelor."
His name comes out of your mouth faster than it should, and he snaps his eyes to you with a look of sudden concern, as though he expects to find something wrong. But nothing really is wrong— at least nothing that hasn't been wrong to begin with.
"What if—" You bite your lip, trying hard not to move your hips in any way that could startle him off. Your cunt throbs just at the thought of feeling his hands on your body with no barrier. "What if you just… touched me?"
Baelor seems to think your question over, searching your face for any kind of deception. But you simply stare at him openly, your eyes pleading, heart pounding as you feel his thumb stroke once over the hollow of your throat.
And then, his eyes drift down. They linger on the swell of your breast, heaving under the thin, practically sheer linen of your chemise. Everything is too intimate, too bright in the mid-afternoon sun slanting through the open window, illuminating you. Gods, it feels like you're already naked before him with the way he just stares, undressing you in his mind. It hits you directly between the legs, and you clench your thighs together to stave off the rush of arousal.
Your breath hitches, and Baelor snaps his eyes back up to your face, as though he's just remembered himself. "I am touching you."
"Y-You—" Your breath hiccups in your chest with how hard you're trying not to gasp for air. "You don't know how cl-close I am to— to—"
You clap your hands over your face, feeling a flush of heat throughout your body that has nothing to do with his hand on you. It's hard enough to be begging him for some kind of stimulation, but to tell him how close you are to an orgasm just from his touch is mortifying.
Not for the first time, Baelor seems to be able to see inside your mind without you voicing your thoughts. "Tell me," he plies gently, his thumb sweeping across your damp skin. He remains so composed, even when you feel like dissolving into thin air. "What is it that you feel… when I touch you?"
He's still hesitant, but his voice holds a curiosity that he hadn't made manifest before now. Everything in you winds up tight at the sound. He's not just indulging you, he wants to know. You know that he's trying to be proper— Baelor is a man of restraint, of infinite patience and regard for honor and decency. You know that he's clinging to his morals even while trying to rationalize the problem set before him.
But he bolted the chamber door, you remember. Behind your closed eyelids, beyond the sound of your heavy breathing and his, more measured, you can hear the clang of the bolt reverberate in your ears all over again. His hands pressed to the solid oak, his head bowed in thought. Why would he have locked you in together? Unless…
"It feels like sunrise after a frost." Your voice is muffled behind your hands, because you refuse to look at him while you say such things. You don't think you could bear to see his face, as you confess, "It is as though all of this poison in me changes, and it becomes heavenly. I feel… when you touch me… as though my body is not my own, but yours to— to do with as you please. To mold to your whim. And I would let you, my lord, I— I would have you do anything that you desired to me, and I would ask you only to do it again. I could glut myself on your touch and it would not be enough, it undoes me in ways I cannot explain, I… You set your hand upon my back and I thought… I thought I was going to c-cum—"
You choke off on a quiet, humiliated sob. So there it is, out in the open now, with no way to take it back. Baelor is still frustratingly silent, but you refuse to pull your hands away from your face to look at him, because you can't find it within yourself to be clever or brave anymore.
"You wouldn't even need to— to deflower me," you continue, blathering now, unleashing any thought that comes to mind as a way to fill the silence. "It would hardly even be anything that would be significant to anyone, just— just lay your hand upon me, and I might— I could—"
"Where?"
All things stop at once. Your thoughts, your breath, your heartbeat. You freeze up like he has just found a way to completely obliterate you with one word. You take a sharp inhale to kickstart your lungs again, and hesitantly curl your fingers away from your eyes to look at him.
Baelor's eyes are transfixed on your face, unwavering, his expression open and earnest. He waits for you to answer him, but when it becomes apparent that you can't, he supplements, "Show me where you would have me touch you."
You consider him for just a second, just long enough for the gravity of his words to register. He wants you to show him. It occurs to you to tell him that he could touch you anywhere beneath your chemise— your stomach, your hip, your knee— and it may yield the same results. But you don't.
You take Baelor's hand, the one resting on your chest so steadily, and you move it. He allows you to, watching you all the time, the pupils of his mismatched eyes blown wide. With one hand you pull at the fabric of your chemise, tugging it up your legs, while you guide his own beneath it. As soon as his hand touches the plush skin of your thigh, you both gasp in tandem— but for different reasons.
For you, it's the burst of sensation, the sharp arcing pleasure that shoots up your spine and grips at something tight and cruel in your core, making you stifle a moan. You were right. The proximity of his touch to where you want it most makes all the difference— you fist at the gathered fabric in your hand and try not to rock your hips toward his touch, but your pussy throbs threateningly at the heat of him so close to it.
Baelor is simply startled. His brow shoots up, his jaw slack as he breathlessly murmurs, "Oh, my sweet girl."
You're drenched down your thighs, a fact that you had failed to mention to him. His fingers slip through the wetness there, feeling it against your skin, and his breath leaves him in shock.
"I— I wasn't like this, before." You take a shaky inhale, and tremors travel through your entire body. "Before you."
It's as though something within him cracks, and all of his inner turmoil is laid bare before you, etched across his features like a carving on stone. The fear, the worry, the frustration, all manifest in his pinched brow and the dip of his mouth, the tremble of his breath. But there is something else there, too— raw desire, sharp as a knife's edge. It's in his eyes, in the way that his shoulders draw tight, in the set of his jaw. It's in his hands, the way that his fingers shift and press into the pillowy flesh of your thigh.
Baelor's thumb sweeps along the curve of your inner thigh, the same affectionate, instinctive gesture that it had been as he laid his hand on your chest. But on this part of your body it is more suggestive, and perhaps ill-advised. His thumb glides too close to the core of you and, quite by accident, he discovers that you are bare of any smallclothes.
Your gasp is sudden and loud. The brush of his finger against your bare sex is enough to make you jump, your hand clamping down on his wrist desperately as pleasure dances like pure dragonflame over your nerves. Your cunt pulses, and a feeble moan breaks from you. "Baelor, please."
He halts, and something changes in his expression. Call it the end of resolve, or a breaking point. There is no hiding anything from him now, you know. He has seen everything, knows what you are laying with.
"No more begging," Baelor finally says, and it's a gentle order. This man who has led armies, who has killed and fought to defend his realm, speaks to you with infinite tenderness. "I have you now, darling. I am for you. You need not beg anymore."
I am for you. He is your knight, upholding his vows, taking up his sword to defend you.
You shiver to feel his grip on your thigh tighten just a bit, a final test of his resolve before he moves it. There is a shift beneath the white linen of your chemise, and then Baelor's knuckle drags slowly through your soaked folds.
Your breath stalls in your chest as your mouth drops open. His touch turns you golden. Your body seems to light up from the inside, fresh heat blooming low in your stomach. Heart pounding in your chest, you stutter, "Oh, fuck— fuck, Baelor, this— this is too much, you don't have to—"
He shushes you, and the look in his eyes threatens to undo you more than his finger tracing a line through your cunt. There is a fire in his eyes that was not there before. The fire of a dragon, of a Targaryen. His gaze feels almost like a physical caress as he says, "Hush, now. I do this willingly."
Fuck. His voice is deep, rich and soft as velvet as he stares at you with that unwavering intensity, touching you between your legs. Your Prince. Touching you between your legs. It completely arrests your ability to think. He is slow, methodical in his movements as he is with everything; he glides the length of his finger through your pussy without rush, letting you feel each bump and ridge as they pass over your clit.
With your heightened senses, you can hear how wet you are, and the salacious sound of his fingers gliding through the mess you've made is enough to drive you up the wall. He begins drawing circles around your clit with the tip of his finger, and you melt into the mattress. You feel as though your pleasure and your need have turned you inside out, bitten chunks from your sensibilities.
He's too beautiful. The thought plagues you more and more. Baelor is too handsome, too competent with his strong hands and too gentle with his lust-roughened words. Gods above, you feel like you could cum— you should have cum by now, with how badly your cunt spasms under his attention, how hypersensitive your clit is as he continues tracing languid circles around it.
Then Baelor dips down and sinks a single finger into you, where you leak and ache desperately for him. Your thighs widen to give him more room, and he takes it, pushes in to the knuckle and gives you a practiced crook of his finger.
A sound rips from you— something animalistic and completely unfamiliar, a moan from the very depths of your fevered being. You tighten a fist in the tangled bedsheets and turn your face to the side, trying to hide from him while he makes you unravel at the seams.
"Look at me, darling." At the hushed rasp of his voice, your cunt clamps down hard on his finger. He pauses, halting all movement until you turn your head to open your eyes to him.
What you find in his face is enough to move the endless soul in you. You have spent two weeks etching Baelor's face into your memory— his careful, poised demeanor, the way he steadies his expression to keep it neutral, tactful. You know his cautious smiles, and you know his deeper one, the one that you hold tight to your chest like a secret. You know his kindness, and you know his disappointment.
But you've never seen this. This unbridled lust, his every feature touched by the amount of desire he has for you. He gazes at you like he feels everything you do, and more. Baelor inclines his head, and he appears so composed, as he always does, but his chest is heaving— you can see it and you can hear it, in the rattle of his inhale, in the obvious rise and fall of his shoulders.
"I will have you look at me when I do this," Baelor tells you, his eyes so dark and hungry that the very glint in them is wicked. It unnerves you, runs quick and hot through your veins. "I will have you see all that I give, and know it is yours to keep. Only yours. Do you understand?"
You swallow hard. "Yes, my lord."
"Baelor." His voice is quiet when he corrects you.
"Baelor."
He flexes his finger within you and your face crumples, your thighs shaking where they lay spread on the mattress. His free hand comes to rest on your thigh and makes to pull your legs further apart, prevents you from moving it back to center. It is not a rough or demanding move, but it conveys his message. Stay. Don't move away.
Baelor whispers something in a language you don't understand— High Valyrian, most like, but it makes no difference that you cannot speak it. It sounds warm, seductive in his throat, and a tremble rolls through your body at the sound of it.
Soft moans fall from your lips as he adds a second finger beside the first, and your hips nearly leave the bed. You take him in so easily, a quiet breath of disbelief leaves him, and he shifts, giving you strokes that have you fighting to keep your eyes open and fixed on him. A gentle back and forth, a hot press against the wall of you. Your body doesn't know how to react— hot then cold, trembling and then still, rocking against him and then backing away as though it's too much and not enough all at once.
His silver signet ring grazes you, hard to offset his softness. You're so close, you can taste your release on the back of your tongue like the entire ocean is rising within you. You grab at the pillow beside your head, ripping at it between fingers that don't know what to do with themselves. Your eyes clench shut at the sudden onslaught, your head tilted back on the pillow.
"Look at me," Baelor reminds you, his voice gently commanding.
Quick as he says it, you snap your eyes open again and find his fixed on you, dark and fathomless. There is a sudden surge, a quickening in your breath. "Oh, gods, Baelor—"
It looms like some wretched, evil thing come to destroy you. You snatch at his forearm frantically, trying to warn him, but unable to form words.
"I know. I feel it," he soothes, a palm moving sweetly against your thigh. He squeezes you there, a reassuring touch even while his other hand takes you apart. "You don't have to hold on anymore. I've got you. I've got you."
Your hips lurch towards him, your vision whiting out. His fingers hit a spot both perfect and devastating inside of you, and your mind's focus is whittled down to a fine point, aimed at him.
"Cum for me, lovely girl," Baelor orders. So you do.
He remains constant. Even when the wave rises and breaks within you, even when you writhe and let out a ragged cry, the sound torn from a hidden, previously unknown part of you. Through the seemingly unending torrents, Baelor remains your anchor. He does not change. He does not move. He does not let you go.
You turn pliant in the aftershocks. He gentles his movements— he does not stop them altogether, but turns them lighter, slower. His thumb brushes over your clit, and you jolt hard enough to convince him to finally withdraw his hand.
Baelor watches you closely, his darkened eyes focused on yours, but that familiar tenderness is returning, creeping across his features. The span of his fingers curves around the meat of your thigh, measured breaths leaving parted lips. His other hand is drenched with your fluids, still held cautiously between your legs as though hesitant to pull back entirely.
"How do you feel?" He asks then, softly.
You blink at him, and then up at the canopy over the bed. You're still shaking, your brain fizzling and humming from the orgasm he'd given you. "I don't… I don't know, I— that's the first time anyone has ever— done that…"
Baelor stays quiet for a beat, a small, affectionate smile curling the corners of his mouth. Then, he clarifies, "Do you think that it worked?"
"Oh." Yes, that. You had somehow forgotten that there is an ulterior motive to all of this, that it is not just sex for the sake of sex. "We… We could check?"
The words leave your mouth meekly. You don't want him to let you go. You don't want him to go away. Yes, you want the poison to be gone from your system, but you are greedy. You want him to stay with you and take you until morning. You want him to keep looking at you like that, like he'd swallow you whole, bones and all.
Unfortunately, Baelor listens. He slowly lifts his hands away from you, leaving you entirely. For a few calm seconds, nothing happens. Your body is still awash with the remnants of your orgasm, your skin still tingling with the memory of his touch. You lay there for a moment, thinking, was that it?
But then you look at Baelor again. He stares down at his hand— the one drenched in your arousal. It shines in the mid-afternoon light, strings of it threading between the parting of his fingers as he… feels it. Rubs his fingers against each other to test the silkiness, pulls them apart just to watch it web across the gap in thin strands.
You watch, wide-eyed, as he returns his gaze to your face. And he lifts his fingers to his mouth to suck your wetness from them. His eyes, amber and violet, trained on your expression until they flutter shut, and he groans.
"Oh— gods on fire."
Your whole body tenses up with the fury of it. The pain. It assaults you worse than before, with a ferocity that scares you. There's so much of it that it is not enough to scream— you can't even breathe for it. You curl into yourself and roll, the muscles of your stomach and core pulling taut.
"No. No no no— Baelor." You whimper, blindly throwing your hand back to grab at him. You find a wrist— left or right, you don't know— and pull so that his hand smacks down onto your flank with a lewd sounding slap. "Didn't work. It didn't— fuck."
"All right. All right, my love. Come here." Baelor's hand slides around your waist to gather you into his lap. You slide across the bedsheets with your spine bent into a crescent, knees pulled to your chest. "I've got you. I'm right here, just relax." You jerk involuntarily in his hold, an elbow catching him in the ribs. He grunts, adjusting his arm around you, curling himself over you like a shield. "Relax. Relax."
You will the tension in your muscles to release one by one. You imagine yourself absorbing into him, your head resting on his strong thigh as you allow your body to feel him. The rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, the distracting warmth radiating from the space between his legs. The smell of him there, strong and sweetly arousing. The taste of something on the back of your tongue— sweat and something muskier, something more masculine.
Him. The taste of him, through silk, through smallclothes. Your head spins, and you fight not to turn your head further into his lap, not to nuzzle into the crotch of his breeches and just breathe him into your lungs.
"Stupid fucking sex potion," you mumble angrily once the pain recedes. "Secret ingredient. Bullshit."
"All right," Baelor says again to quiet you, laying his hand on the crown of your head soothingly. You imagine that he understands what you're feeling, though, because he doesn't argue.
"What do we do?" Your voice is thin, a barely-there thing in the quiet.
"We continue."
You turn your head. Baelor is gazing down at you, eyes glittering with affection. He exudes a calmness that you cannot feel, even though your overwrought body relaxes into him. "You want to… continue?"
"We need not stop at one." Baelor pets your head, shrugs a shoulder. "I wouldn't, even under normal conditions."
You stare at him, aghast. "Your Grace."
He gives you a wry smile. "We don't know what this 'secret ingredient' is. Perhaps it needs… more. We can continue until it takes." Another pause. "You'll have to forgive me for my choice of words. It's my first time experiencing the… joys of a sex potion, as well."
You snort incredulously, trailing your fingers along his clothed forearm. "And what if it… takes?"
You don't need to elaborate. What if you become pregnant with his child, like he suggested you might? What happens if you bear the heir apparent a bastard, and still end up married to his nephew? What if you cause a scandal?
"Then… we continue," he repeats. "Come what may." Baelor takes your hand in his, presses a kiss to the back of your palm. You are filled with so much adoration for him that it almost wounds you. It sets up a home in your body, right below your heart. "Whatever happens, it makes no difference. You may have anything that you want from me."
"Even your hand?"
"Especially that."
"In marriage?" Your chest tightens up in anticipation. You gaze up at him, willing him to accept you, clutching his hand like he might pull it away, recoil in disgust. If he were to turn you down now, you think that it might just kill you before the poison does.
Perhaps he feels how hard you tense up in your nervousness. He pulls back just the slightest bit and peers at you, taking in your expression, before his own turns into something open, genuine. His eyes crease at the corners as he traces a single finger down the part in your hair, and he replies, "Yes. I will marry you, darling girl. I should have, the moment I was able to. I should have begged you on my knees."
You smile at the mental image that provides. The Hand and Heir on his knees for you. "I would have liked that."
He gives you the fondest look. "I have no doubt."
You fiddle with his hand. His skin is soft, prominent veins running up the back and to the knuckles. You fit your hand to his like a question, examining the difference in size and shape. The ring on his middle finger, still damp from where it's been. In you. In his mouth.
"Why did you do that?" You don't mean to ask the question aloud, but it comes out anyway.
"Do what?"
You glance at Baelor and determine that he's only asking because he wants to hear you say it, and not because he's really confused as to what you mean. He looks coy, which is not something you've ever seen on him before— but you think that it suits him.
"Taste it." The words feel sharp in your mouth. "You didn't have to. I wouldn't have expected you to."
He breathes in deeply, and exhales on a long, low hum. Then, his eyes find yours again. "There are few pleasures in this world that compare to the taste of a woman. I wanted to."
Your heartbeat thrums in your ears. "And?"
"And you taste divine." A deft finger twists in the hair just at the very top of your head, twirling it around and around in hypnotic circles. "I would taste you again, if you would allow me."
It's your turn to hum. You hold his one hand in both of yours, tracing the details of them with your fingertips. Your thumbs map out the dip of his palm, the raised, sword-strengthened calluses beneath his fingers. The meat of his hand, where it connects to his wrist.
Without pausing to feel embarrassment or shame, you bring his hand to your mouth. You brush your lips over his fingers just barely, before you take them in and suck on them. You hear a shudder in Baelor's breath, but you don't stop. It is an intimate thing, to have his fingers stroke your tongue, to taste yourself on him, to know that his own tongue had been in the exact same place moments ago. You whimper and draw them in deep, your lips fitting around the silver ring against his knuckle, your eyes falling shut. He watches you, allowing you to take his swordsman's hand and fit his fingers between your teeth, trusting you not to bite down.
You sigh as you release them, dragging your tongue along the ridges and dips of his fingers on their way out. "I wanted to do that," you admit to him quietly. "For a while."
"You like my hands, it seems," he muses, a note of approval in his voice.
"Very much." You blink at him, suddenly feeling shy under the intensity of his gaze. "I'll let you have me however you want, my Prince. I only ask that first… you kiss me."
"Is that so? Only a kiss?" You nod, and Baelor smirks. He drags the tip of his pinkie finger gently down the slope of your nose. "You drive a hard bargain. If I kiss you now, I fear I may never stop."
"Don't stop."
Baelor lets out a short breath, and then scoops you up into a sitting position. You grunt in surprise, grabbing for his shoulders at the sudden movement, but you settle with his arm tight around your waist. Your heart skips a beat when he cradles your head in his palm, his fingers tangled in your hair.
"I don't think you understand just how wonderful you are," Baelor whispers, his mouth so close to your that the warmth of his lips practically touches yours. He hovers there, a breath away, and it's torturous to hold back. "You'll be the death of me."
With a shaking hand, you rest your palm against his cheek. You feel the scruff of his beard, the way that his jaw tenses the tiniest bit. "And if I don't kiss you, I'll die."
That seems to finally crack his composure. Baelor brushes your hair away from your face, strokes his thumb over your cheekbone, and closes the gap.
His kiss sends shocks of warmth through you, and you melt into him with a quiet sob of relief. Relief from the tension and swells of pain and fear. Relief at finally being able to hold him, to kiss him, open mouth to open mouth. You clutch at his shoulder, his neck, and swing your thigh over his to sit halfway on his lap.
He moves with you, his strong arms keeping you steady as you sink against him, groaning into you. Each point of contact feels bright, like if you opened your eyes to look you would find yourself glowing where he touches you. But his mouth moves against yours like silk, his tongue against yours, and he tastes like peace. It feels like the end of the storm, the answer to all your problems— even if it is only just the beginning.
Baelor's hand slides down to your lower back, holding you fast, splayed wide across your spine. His fingertips press into the flesh there, pulling you closer, until you're flush against him.
Your cunt grinds down onto the meat of his thigh, and you moan brokenly into his mouth. The sound of his name again, sweet on your tongue. He captures your lips with his, his other hand coming down to grip your hip. He rocks you against his thigh purposefully, swallowing the desperate sound that leaves you when your clit presses into the heat of him, through frustrating barriers of fabric.
You make a small, disgruntled noise, and your hand falls to the belt around his doublet. Nails scratching at the leather, you fumble with the buckle until it comes free. You feel beneath the cover of his doublet to find his soft linen shirt, warm from the heat of his body. Strong muscles tense beneath the lightness of your touch.
You huff a perturbed sigh against his mouth. "You are too clothed."
"You are too impatient," Baelor returns, but there is a huskiness to his voice that makes his words seem inconsequential. He shrugs out of his doublet to let your hands wander over his shoulders, down to squeeze the width of his arms. His beard tickles along your jaw as he presses kisses to your skin, trailing up to your ear. "Lie back, darling."
You recline on a pile of tangled sheets, chemise rucked up around your hips. Heat kisses your cheeks and pulses low in your core, your thighs instinctively wanting to close in on themselves, but they are stopped in their endeavor by Baelor's hips.
The mattress dips beside your shoulder where he leans his weight, hovering over you, a veil of security against the rest of the world. He drags his open mouth across your skin like this is not only for your benefit, but for his. You feel the flash of wet and warmth from his tongue, and your back arches up against him. He moves so slowly, savoring, his breath tumbling across your heated flesh like clouds of smoke.
It feels good. It feels so heavenly that you don't quite know how to accept it— you feel almost as though you should move away, but you would only be condemning yourself to more torment. You are bound to the bed by curiosity, an insatiable need to see what he does next. To feel his mouth touch more of you, places that you never thought to feel a pair of lips, teeth, or a tongue.
Baelor skims lightly over your breasts through the fabric of your chemise, while his hands find the curve of your waist. As he lowers, he ever-so-slowly tugs the fabric up, up, up, until you are bare from the waist-down and left open for his wandering mouth.
Your hands cling to him, one clawing against his back, the other gliding over the back of his head, cradling him to you. You gasp to feel the heat of his tongue on the skin just beneath your ribs. "Baelor…"
He hums in acknowledgement of his name, dragging his lips down over the curve of your stomach and lingering there. Baelor is thorough in a way that shouldn't shock you as much as it does— he lavishes you with his tongue and his lips, the quickest grazes of his teeth making you lurch against him with small sighs and moans. You are entirely alive with feeling, winding you up, until your whole body tenses and releases with it.
Then, he's moving. He passes over your pelvis and your aching, swollen cunt, and goes lower, settling between your knees. You make a little sound, a whimper of protest when you can't hold his head in your hands anymore.
He shushes you with his mouth against the inside of your knee, and then the wet swath of his tongue licks upwards in a way that takes you entirely by surprise. Bold, quick, his face so close and coming towards the most intimate part of you that you startle. "Gods—"
"Let me." It's a quiet plea, hushed against the skin of your inner thigh, one big hand cradling it to his cheek. There's the prickle of his beard, then the soft soothing of his tongue after. "My sweet girl. Let me taste you here."
"Yes," you sigh, even as he's already licking over the trail that your arousal has left, smeared across your overheated flesh.
The aphrodisiac effects may occur outwardly. The maester had said as much, and it becomes more and more apparent that, as Baelor lingers there, breathing in your scent and tasting you on his tongue, he is becoming intoxicated by the poison leeching from you. It's in the way his breath falls unevenly from his mouth, the way his gaze has gone a bit glassy with want, his pupils so wide that his beautiful, incongruous eyes are nearly black.
Baelor takes to you with a wide, flat stroke of his tongue that practically burns you alive. Your back leaves the mattress, your hands snatching at his head. Your cry breaks in your throat with its intensity and pitch, already taken to pieces by the single touch of his mouth to your cunt.
He groans into you— fully moans, as though this is entirely for his benefit and it is not something that he's doing in service to you. It is not a sound that you would have ever expected to hear from him, half-animalistic and far from the restrained, princely figure you've come to know him as. Large hands grasp at your hips and bring you further into his mouth, firm and consuming.
His name leaves you on a squeal. You're being too loud and you know it— through the open window, you can hear birds soar past, voices down in the courtyards. Any and everyone will hear you, and what the Prince of Dragonstone is doing to you, if you can't help it. You barely have the mental fortitude to let one shaking hand leave his head and clap over your mouth to stifle your cries.
He pulls back, releasing your clit from between his lips with a wet sound that makes your face burn. His eyes find yours, and you feel pinned beneath the weight of his gaze. "Do not silence yourself. Let me hear you."
You hesitate for only a second, but he doesn't move. Baelor's eyes remain fixed on your face as you reach forward, then stroke a hand over the crown of his head, a tentative and seeking touch. Then he returns to suck at your clit again, and you have to bite your tongue on a whimper.
He remains there for a long time. Long enough that you begin to think you may go delirious from the pleasure, and not from the poison throbbing and coursing through your veins, effecting him as he tastes you. He drags you to the precipice, to a place where reason and restraint don't exist anymore. There, you threaten to burn alive.
You cum into his mouth with a hoarse cry, your head tipped back on the pillows. It splinters through you like it may both destroy you and rebuild you anew at the same time— there's a rush, a flood between your legs that you don't expect, any more than you expect Baelor to stay there and take it, in all its viciousness.
You can't quite think. You feel him lingering there, his lips and tongue still on you, but it's as though you've been entirely unmade. He doesn't move, just remains solid and capable with his attention on your spent cunt, his tongue still lapping at the wetness that drips from you until you're certain— almost entirely certain— that this is not for the sake of the poison. This is not the potion at work. This is sex for the sake of sex.
"Baelor," you murmur, your voice a bit too high and airy in your throat. Your fingers dig at his scalp for something to make sense of. "D'you think— think it worked—?"
"Mm. You need another." Baelor answers you before you finish asking the question, his eyes narrowed as he rears back. His face is painted in your wetness, glistening around his mouth as he breathes heavily. "Let's not take any chances, shall we?"
"No, I wouldn't want to— to take chances— oh."
Baelor is climbing the line of your body, traversing over you like a panther on the hunt. His parted lips trail a wet line over your stomach, and he nudges your bunched up chemise back, further up your ribs. With trembling hands, you grab the useless fabric and pull it, tugging it frustratedly over your head so that you can throw it across the room.
"My beautiful girl," Baelor whispers into your skin, almost as though talking to himself more than you. His palm smoothes over the curve of your ribs and comes up to cup your breast, a reverent and tender touch, as though simply feeling the weight of it in his hand. "So stunning. Oh, I dreamt of this."
"You dreamt…?" You stutter out a gasp when his mouth closes hotly over your nipple, and your hands fly up to grasp the back of his head.
"I dreamt," Baelor repeats, moving his attention to your other breast with the same amount of care. "I wanted. I wished."
You pull him by the nape of his neck and he moves with your urging, lifting himself over you so that you can kiss him. The dampness of your arousal, still lingering in his facial hair, smears against your cheek as you lick into his mouth and taste yourself, oddly sweet on his tongue.
"Take your clothes off," you grumble against his lips, the slightest note of impatience lacing your tone as your fingers dig against his shoulders.
His linen shirt meets your chemise somewhere on the floor. Your hands find his chest, sliding down over hard muscle padded with soft flesh. He has a body befitting a man of his station— a soldier, hard and lean, bearing the scars of battle but unashamed of them. You trace a scar stretching across his ribs, trailing down towards his navel. Unhurried fingers dance over the trail of hair stretching downwards, guiding you towards the waist of his breeches.
"You're beautiful." It comes out more forceful than you mean for it to— but gods, do you mean it. You want to map out his body with your hands and your lips and your teeth, you want to learn every inch of him by rote, and still never stop once you know all. You try to convey it to him with your eyes, because you can't find any other words to express it. "You're so beautiful, Baelor, you must know."
He smiles, and it's that smile. The one that has haunted you since you saw it last, the one that you want to see over and over again. It causes a swelling feeling in your chest that… probably isn't healthy, but none of this is. It would be death to deny it now.
"You flatter me," Baelor says, his thumb stroking idly against your thigh, where his hand rests. His eyes are soft, flicking over you with so much adoration you struggle not to squirm beneath it.
"I tell the truth," you murmur, slipping two fingers just beneath the waist of his breeches to trace just below the fabric. His breath hitches, and you smirk. "I could always lie, but I imagine you'd see right through it, now."
"It would be very unladylike of you," he remarks, his smile turning sardonic.
"Hm. Can't have that." Even as you say it, your hands are untying his breeches, your fingers tugging until you're able to slip them down his hips. "We both know just how ladylike I am."
One boot comes off, then two, and his breeches shed to leave him in his smallclothes. There is no finesse to his movements— the seduction is over, leaving only sharp intent and the promise of what's to come. Desire wound tight like a spring, loaded to snap at a single touch.
That touch comes when you slip your fingers along the band of his smallclothes, a single, featherlight graze against the laces. Baelor's entire body goes rigid over you, as if you've held a blade to his throat. You guide them over his hips and down his thighs, until he snaps to and shirks them the rest of the way. He whispers your name, something between awe and guttural need forming the word in his throat.
"Baelor," you hum in response when your fingers find him and wrap around his cock. You freeze for just a moment— he's larger than you expected, and the prospect sends a little shiver through you. The Hammer, you think to yourself. Of course. He's hot to the touch, burning and throbbing against your palm, so hard it seems like it should be unbearable for him. But he bears it, for you. "Do you know how many women in the realm dream of this?"
He makes a small noise of warning, twitching in your grip.
Your grin turns wolfish as you pass your thumb over the head, flushed and leaking. "Do you know how many would kill for this? Would die to lie beneath you like this?"
"Heavens above." He shudders out a sigh as you stroke him, his forehead falling to rest against yours. "Don't— you mustn't say such things to me, my love, I— I have to be so careful with you. You have no idea."
So this is what it is, to have him lose his composure. No longer the Prince of Dragonstone, Hand to the King, heir to the Iron Throne— in your hands, he is simply a man. A man who wants, whose breath spills warm across your lips. Whose hips search for yours when you wrap your legs around his waist.
"Would you let me have you, my Prince?" you ask him, and your voice is light, inquisitive. It can't be anything else, because you are just as desperate as he is. You don't have it in you to be teasing, you are simply open with your need for him, allowing your innermost thoughts to surge to the forefront. Your forehead pressed to his, you look up through your lashes to find his eyes closed, squeezed shut in some vain attempt to hold on. "My love?"
His eyes snap open to meet yours, pressed so close that your noses touch. Baelor groans quietly when you guide him between your legs without waiting for an answer— it was a rhetorical question, after all.
But all the same, he replies, "Anything you desire."
Baelor drops his hips, enough to follow the guidance of your hand. He fills you in one fluid stoke, and together you take a long, deep breath.
"You are…"
"Perfect." He finishes your sentence for you, hushed and airy though it is. It feels as though you could be interrupted at any moment with the way he holds you, like a secret, like something that should never been spoken or heard about. Like you are only for him to know this way.
He presses his hips flush to yours, making you keen from the fullness, the exquisite stretch. The potion, for what it's worth, does make everything slicker, easier— you are so swollen and relaxed from his mouth, your body so attuned to his that there is no pain. Only the pleasure of his touch remains.
He moves, and it lights you up from within like wildfire. Your back arches towards him, your chest pressing up against his, and a sound unlike anything you've ever made tears from your throat. Arms blindly snatching for him, you wrap yourself around him as though he may try to move away.
He nuzzles his nose against yours, almost too tender of a gesture for the position you find yourself in. "That's it, darling. Take all of me."
Your mind clouds with pleasure as he rocks his hips into yours. You feel like you're drowning in the skin on skin, stripped to the skin and pressed flush to him. Your hand smoothes down his back, feeling rigid muscle and raised scars there, too.
He withdraws and presses forward, setting a slow, deliberate pace that drives you practically mad. He's so gentle and tender even when everything about him, about this situation, tells you that he wants to let go of his restraint. Widening your thighs on instinct, your hand cradles the back of his head, bringing his lips closer to yours.
"Don't hold back," you tell him, and you feel his breath pause where it fans against your cheek. Even though to try to be commanding, your voice cracks. "Baelor— stop holding back—"
Baelor presses a single, chaste kiss to your lips, and you are too caught up in the moment to realize that it's a warning, a subtle apology before he's shifting. He lifts your hips, planting his knees on the mattress before he pulls you into his lap, your back bent over the expanse of his strong thighs.
You slide down the mattress with an undignified squeak, hands scratching along the sheets for stability where there is none. And then you settle into your new position, gazing up at him with a stunned expression.
He's unbelievably gorgeous. His chest leaps with his breath, tanned and freckled skin glistening with a thin layer of sweat. He pants through parted lips, his eyes sharp and focused as they always are, cheeks flushed. He's a vision, and he's all yours.
Baelor splays his hand flat against your chest, running his palm over the skin where, beneath, your heart pounds a drumbeat loud as thunder in your ears. Then he drags his touch down, between your breasts, over the curve of your stomach. His hand settles warm and solid over your navel, thumb stroking you tenderly enough to make you let out a soft sigh.
But then he's sliding his cock into you again, a wicked thrust that punches all the air from your lungs, and his hand presses down. Your brows draw together, your mouth falling open on a silent moan as he hits something so devastating inside of you that it makes your eyes involuntarily roll back in your head.
"Feel that?" Baelor murmurs, his voice roughened with desperation as he does it again, and again. Pull back, push forward, press down. "Feel how deep I am inside you?"
It comes out so… possessive. Spurred on by the fact that he's the only one to do this to you, the only person to see you like this. Like he's staking a claim to you with each roll of his hips. His fingers rub back and forth over the soft flesh of your stomach, and you do feel it— the tip of his cock as he drives it into you, reaching so deep within you that it makes a faint bulge in your lower stomach.
You sob out an incoherent response, lights dancing behind your eyelids. Your hands, searching for something to hold onto as his thrusts gain momentum, find the pillow above your head. You squeeze it, pull blindly as though it will bring you some respite, and the downy soft padding of it covers your face, smothering the obscene moans that spill from your mouth.
Baelor's hand all but slams down on top of the pillow with a dull thump. You feel the impact through the feather stuffing, a slight bump against the tip of your nose before he's snatching it away from you and flinging the accursed thing across the room. It hits one of the open window shutters and falls to the floor.
"Do not. Hide." It's a snarl released from his throat, his hand coming to cup your chin and pull you to center. "Show me your eyes."
You blink your eyes open at him and bite your lip, trying to keep your whimpering at bay. You watch his core muscles flex with the movement of his hips, his chest dappled with golden sunlight, his jaw tightening with the effort to remain consistent, even when you told him to let go.
"There she is," Baelor whispers, a flicker of awe crossing his features. "My beautiful girl."
His thumb strokes across your lower lip, and without even thinking, you close your lips around it. The pad of his thumb, tasting of salt and the sweet musk of your own cunt, strokes against your tongue. A quiet groan breaks from him, his thrusts turning erratic and unmeasured when you suck hard.
Baelor drops his chin toward his chest, his face drawn in silent agony. "Fuck."
Your cunt clamps down hard around him at the sound of the swear falling from his lips. You don't know why the single word is enough to drive you crazy— probably because you've never heard Baelor curse before, and it's such a juxtaposition to the rest of him. The unshakeable prince brought to shambles by your lips around his thumb, your legs around his core.
Your orgasm mounts suddenly, and your teeth bear down hard on his thumb. It's enough to throw him off-kilter. He hisses through his teeth and pulls you with his free hand, seating himself deep inside you, his hips pressed flush to yours. He slides his hand from your waist downward, through the soft curls of hair on your mound. He finds your clit, brushing a circle around it with the tip of one, impossibly gentle fingertip.
You cum so quickly that the force of it turns blinding and sharp. Your cunt pulses on his cock with an urgency that wracks your entire body. But it is not enough for him that you lay there milking him— no, he has to escalate it.
Just as soon as it hits, Baelor's hand is gripping your thigh, pushing your leg up until your knee hooks over his shoulder, and he bends you. Your thigh presses tight to your chest as he moves over you, his cock hitting immeasurably deeper now. You claw desperately at his back, fingernails scratching, raking hard lines that will be too easy for his servants to notice, come morning.
He doesn't let up, even for a second. Still driving his hips, fucking you through the pulsing of your cunt, his body holding you down against the bed. His thumb slides from your mouth with a wet pop, spit smearing across your cheek as he cradles your face. Baelor replaces his thumb with his tongue, kissing you deeply, reverently, like he can feed all his devotion into you with it.
"Good girl," he whispers into your mouth, dragging his hips back slowly and then filling you back up even slower. You squirm, drowning between your legs from the oversensitivity and the entirely new angle he hits at. The sound that he makes is unbelievably erotic, something between a sigh and a rasping moan that cracks in his throat. "So good for me, my darling."
You cry his name, latching onto him with a trembling hand. "Fuck— Baelor. You need to cum. You should—"
"Don't." He shakes his head, fixing you with a heated look. He swallows, exhaling a stuttering breath. "Not— not yet, I don't—"
But you're nodding against him in retaliation, tightening your core muscles around his cock, squeezing him so hard that he makes a noise like you've punched him.
"Fuck," Baelor grits, hanging his head. "Oh, fucking Seven, you just— just can't stand to lose— can you—?"
Perspiration beads on his brow, and you have the sudden urge to lick it. So, you do. You pull him down by the neck, and he goes, following the urging of your hand like it's a command he's beholden to. You run your tongue across his temple, up and over his drawn brow, and he shudders.
In spite of everything— the overstimulation, the frightening possibility that you might cum again— you manage to break a small, breathless smile. Your mouth finds the shell of his ear, and your voice drops unexpectedly low. "Yield."
He plants his hips against yours, pressing your thigh so far against your chest that your knee almost touches your ear. He cums with an exquisite moan against your cheek, your tongue still pressed to his face to taste more of him, as though you can consume the very beauty from his skin.
You take his hand— the one against your thigh, holding it up around his waist— and guide it down between your flush bodies. Even while you feel him pulse inside you, he follows your guidance without question. He rubs a light caress against your clit, just enough to send sparks shooting up your spine.
You cum again for him, and it's gentler this time— like sunlight breaking through a storm. You give him a soft, relieved moan, while you pulse on his cock and your tense muscles release beneath him.
You both lay there in the feeling, letting the pulsations die down as you settle. And then, he stirs just a bit.
"Better?" Baelor murmurs, nudging his nose against yours.
"Much."
You feel him smile as he kisses you, his hand coming up to cup your cheek. You let him linger there, smiling into your mouth, for a few more seconds— and then you kick your heel against his shoulder, where your leg is still slung up and pinned against you.
He laughs at the disgruntled noise you make, lowering your leg and smoothing his palm up the length of it as he pulls it to rest against his hip. "My strong girl. You're quite the force when you want something, hm?"
"Don't you forget it," you grumble, but there's no real heat to it.
"I'm not likely to anytime soon."
You sigh when he withdraws from you, but only so that he can roll you both, gathering you into his arms. You lay with your head on his sweat-slick chest, his arm encircling your shoulders to hold you close. Relaxing into him, your body spent, you place a hand over his chest to feel his heart thundering beneath your palm.
Both naked, tangled up in each other, you remain like that for a while. Your fingers drawing idle shapes against his chest, gliding through the hair there as it rises and falls with his breaths as they even out.
He's yours. The thought flits through your mind, light as a feather. He's going to marry you. You'll be his wife. Many things about it make your chest tighten. That you'll be the Crown Princess in the process. That eventually, you will be expected to be Queen.
As quickly as your fears bubble up, one thing quells the flood. He's Baelor. He'll take care of you. He always seems to. You trust him to. You… you love him for it.
"You're staring."
You blink, and tilt your head to look up at him. You had been staring, directly at the mess you made between his legs, while your mind whirled in a dozen different directions. You should probably feel embarrassed at being caught, but there's mirth in Baelor's eyes. His hand pets affectionately against the back of your head.
"We're betrothed," you say, in lieu of an explanation.
"So we are."
"The King should probably know."
Baelor makes a short noise. It rumbles in his chest, against your cheek. "The King can wait until the 'morrow. I'm not terribly enticed by the idea of leaving you tonight." He turns his head slightly towards the open window. "After all, I'd imagine most of the Keep knows about it, by now."
You giggle, turning your face towards his chest. You nuzzle into the hair over his heart and breathe in, smelling the comforting scent of his skin. Remarkably, it is less strong than it has been all evening, no longer heightened to the point of overwhelm. You can't hear every damned thing in the Keep anymore— nor can you taste the saltwater on the air from the bay.
"Baelor."
"Mm?"
"I think it worked." You press a kiss to his sternum. "We did it."
"Good." A pause. Baelor heaves a deep sigh. "Do not. Ever. Drink another fucking sex potion. For the love of the suffering Seven."
You tut, a teasing smile quirking at your lips. "So I shouldn't use the second one I have in my drawers, then?"
Baelor's head snaps towards you. When you see the look of terror on his face, you dissolve into a fit of laughter, pulling yourself closer against his side.
He huffs a quiet chuckle, but you can't mistake the sound of relief underlying it. He lays a warm palm against your bare shoulder. "Troublemaker."
"Yes, I am." You bite your lip, trailing your hand down his stomach, your fingers grazing lightly enough that you watch his abdominal muscles tense beneath the touch. "But I want you like this all the time."
"Naked?"
"Unmoored."
You turn your head to find him regarding you with the same calmness you've come to expect from him, but with a fire burning within his gaze. He smirks slightly. "That shouldn't be too difficult for you to accomplish, I fear."
With a hum, you slip your leg over his hips and lift yourself to straddle him. His hands find your waist, steadying you. You raise yourself up, one hand braced on his chest, the other falling to one of his hands. Beneath you, you feel his cock begin to harden again as you place his hand on your breast.
"Then let me begin, my Prince."
The wedding is scheduled for three weeks later, at Baelor's behest. Long enough for the lords of the seven houses to arrive in due course, but not long enough for there to be question if you indeed are with his child.
You spoke about it at length, actually. He was very insistent, seeing as how he was trying to actively put one in you at the time.
On the day of your wedding, you sit in your vanity chair and fiddle with the cuffs of your dress. It is white and gold, of a fabric quality you've never been able to luxuriate in before. It feels stifling. You fear walking in it, breathing in it, doing anything that may damage it at all. You sit with your spine stiff and straight, allowing Mircalla to fix pins into your hair. Several other serving girls flit about the room, attending to various other chores.
When you feel you've just about had enough of the prodding of pins, a knock sounds at the chamber door. Your heart thuds in your chest, and you shift in your seat, hoping that it may be your husband-to-be, come to steal you away for a moment before the ceremony. It would not be unlike him— Baelor is a busy man, but attentive as often when he can be. Even if it is a mere kiss in an alcove, or a five minute interlude in the courtyard, there is always a time and a place that he can find to be with you, to show you his affections.
But the chamber door opens, and your guard steps a foot into the room. "Prince Daeron to see you, my lady."
Daeron? Your brow draws in confusion, but you rise from your chair, regardless. "Enter."
Daeron stumbles into the room with all the grace of a newborn deer. The maids all pause in tandem, and a hush falls over the room as he blinks up at each of them awkwardly, his blue eyes a bit less bleary than normal, his honey-gold hair tied back with a black ribbon for the festivities. "Apologies for my… intrusion?"
"No harm done, my lord." You clasp your hands anxiously behind your back, all the same. "What may I do for you?"
"I had wanted a word with you, my lady. Alone. For only a moment, if you wouldn't mind?"
You think that you would mind, very much. But the longer you regard Daeron, trying to cling to your vitriol, the less you can find any. You are about to be married to the Crown Prince, a gorgeous and honorable man who you are falling desperately in love with, to no one's surprise.
You cannot bring yourself to refuse Daeron— and so, you dismiss your ladies with a courteous nod.
As soon as the door shuts, Daeron is crossing the room and slumping into an armchair by the window. You do not move, but follow him with your eyes as he slouches, heaving an enormous sigh.
"Are you drunk?" you ask him pointedly.
"Always." He flashes you a sardonic smile. You give him an incredulous look. "Necessity compels. But I am here, and not at a tavern, at least."
"Better wine, I'd imagine."
"Mm, yes. Arbor red. An excellent choice, indeed." He pauses, his eyes flicking over you apprehensively. "I came to… apologize, my lady. I fear I have behaved rather badly towards you, and I felt I owed you an explanation."
You only blink at him. "Yes, you do."
"Right." He licks his lips, seeming to collect his thoughts. "Before you came to King's Landing… I dreamed of you."
"How romantic."
"No, not— not so much." Daeron takes a breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. "You see, my dreams… they have a tendency to come true. It isn't always a good thing." He pauses for a long moment, his eyes focused on the middle-distance, appearing to see something that you can't. "When I dreamt of you, it was… I saw you dying, my lady. I saw you on your death bed. And you cursed me for it."
You say nothing, but watch him as his shaking hands smooth against his pants.
"I didn't know what it meant. But I figured, when I saw you, that if I was going to be the reason for your death— in screaming agony— then it would needs be best for both of us if I held no relation to you. If I could refuse you and not speak a word, it would be… you wouldn't have died. And I wouldn't have been the cause."
"But, I have not died, my lord."
"No." Daeron lets out a short laugh, void of humor. "But, you had an affliction some weeks back, did you not? I heard it was rather a close call." He fixes his eyes on you, and he looks so deeply apologetic. Like a kicked dog, he peers up at you through his lashes. "If I was in any way responsible for— for any pain caused, I am truly sorry, my lady. My intentions were noble, I assure you. My execution, however…"
"Leaves something to be desired, yes." You close your eyes, breathe in slowly. Daeron reeks of alcohol, but you don't allow it to deter you from stepping closer to his chair. "In your dream, what was it that I said? How did I curse you?"
Daeron swallows, his eyes flicking around the room briefly. "You said… 'I don't want Daeron. He doesn't want me. I didn't take the fucking thing for him.'" Your face must betray your thoughts, because Daeron regards you closely before nodding solemnly, folding his hands in his lap. "Right. So, it was that."
Your heart pounds so hard that you swear it's trying to leap up into your throat. "Daeron. Whatever you think you saw—"
"It's not for me to pry." His eyes continuously move from your face to various areas of the room, like he doesn't want to look at you head-on. "What I know is that you are well now, and marrying my uncle. And I am happy for you, my lady. I truly am. It has been many years since I saw him smile the way he does, when you aren't looking." Daeron finally chances to look you directly in the eye, and he looks gravely serious. "Do not take this the wrong way, but I think that we would have been terrible for each other. Wouldn't you agree?"
For the first time since Daeron stepped into your chambers, a smile crosses your face. "You know, I think you're absolutely right. We would have killed each other."
Daeron lets out a sad chuckle. "Quite so."
He looks around, at a loss for a few seconds, before he heaves himself up and stands over you. He's quite a bit taller than you first thought— maybe it's because he isn't slouching as much, now.
"Forgive me, my lady. I've taken enough of your time. I wish you a long and happy marriage." He winks. "Only, one not to me."
That finally earns him a giggle from you, and Daeron smiles, before lifting your hand and pressing a chaste kiss to your knuckles. You watch him cross the room, narrowly avoiding bumping into your vanity chair as he moves.
At the door, Daeron pauses and turns back to you with a reserved smirk. "Just so you know. My cock does work. If the need should ever arise again."
He ducks out of the room before the pillow you throw can hit him.
jumpcut mid porn scene to mircalla and florin sharing a blunt outside the laundry rooms like "so do u think they're fuckin or"