dear little one @goodnightiloveyou - Tumblr Blog

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twice over.

I fall in love with you every mimic you mimic at me; knowing that I am right and you are wrong.

I fall in love with you every “what!” you ask rhetorically; knowing full well what I am thinking.

I fall in love with you every smile you smile for me; knowing I will smile right back at you.

I fall in love with you every point you make that flips mine on its head.

I fall in love with you every note you sing.

I fall in love with you every thought you express.

I fall in love with you every laugh you laugh.

I fall in love with you for you and what seems like forever will only be you.

I fall in love with you twice / thrice / and after each and every day that passes.

And after all these years I feel the same love that never left me the day you left me.

And after all these years to be in love with you is the strongest and most wonderful love I have in me.

You. Are thee most beautiful thing I have ever layed my soul to rest and I will fall in love with you so long as you exist in my world.

Yet to exist in my world but not have my soul to rest on your chest...

To be in love with you and not have your head to rest on my chest... feels as if my heart may shatter once again when one day you truly choose to leave...

twice over.

June, 2023.

- J.

and if lighting will strike me for a second time, I wish you by my side.

flames will course through the blood in my veins, I wish you pour yourself into mine.

if my life, thunder shall strike twice and not you to call my love.

then oh lord of lighting strike me out, strike me silent,

strike me sleep

and in my slumber I will find my way, my love, within the my death of dreams.

- J.

and if we ever meet again I hope we’re not too proud to admit that walking away was a mistake. - Ginnie Bale

Dearest Little One,

I remember the first time I came here when I was 18, freshly graduated from high school. Who would have thought 5years later I would be back, with you - a just-about-to freshly graduate high school student.

It’s been a tough first 4days… mother snores like nothing else so I haven’t slept at all. I have been running around the city, literally and well. I see you.

How can I not… Singapore, to me, will forever be YOU.

It’s 0200 right now and I’m sat outside the hotel smoking while writing this.

I wonder what it would feel like to kiss you right now.

Under this black sky, light of the moon shimmering through each raindrop...

It’s just me in this city, and you are right here with me. And I want to kiss you…

Singapore - 1st March, 2023.

All my love.

Yours always,

- J.

the birds after, You.

I cross paths with new people. Most walk-out just as fast as they walked-in and some stay a little longer. Some are special in that they bring a sense vitality and peace into my living - I wish for our time to be prolonged.

I do not owe them and they do not own me, a mutual understanding is established and we connect for what it is and not for what it could be. It is beautiful for what it is and not for what it could be, there is no sense of pressure or search for what could or should be. Because to be honest, I do not have that in me. They know that and I thank the powers above that they still wish to accompany me and walk together...

Each encounter is an encounter I treasure. There is not a diminished sense of worth, I do not compare. I cannot. Because within each encounter, there you stand. You watch me from a far and I occasionally glance at you.

I walk a curved path, interacting with beautiful souls. A path that will inevitably lead to You.

an exert, the birds after, You.

- J.

17-23.

You were a kid... You still are.

As much as you were so beyond your years, you were also just a kid.

I should never have hurt you the way I did. And you could never comprehend how you hurt me.

I just wish that you can look back in time and realise that we tried our best. And that you do not reminisce with hatred.

For me, yourself and, “us”.

Samseong-dong, Seoul, South Korea. 8th November, 2022.

- J.

Hangang River, Seoul, South Korea - 30th October, 2022.

and worst of all, I wanted it to be you.

I was so fucking happy: laughter consumed me as my heart was being tightened by vines.

a sky full of stars and

I was looking for you...

- J.

I know fine well that we are gone.

made it fine well clear that you are done.

Still I can’t help think that you just run-

ning. from.

what could be, should be, would be really if you were to call.

picking petals of the flowers asking do you love me, do you love me, fuck I love you

Please don’t leave me little one

A House ain’t a home...

Since you closed the door.

And your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn me into a dark monster, a fucked up angel, oh for you your skin and bones.

And you know, that I would have done anything to keep us alive. If only you would just wanna try.

For you I’d bleed myself dry...

I really would.

See I know it’s fucked up.

But I would pour blood just to call you, “mine”.

And I don’t quite understand the reasons as to why it all can’t be just, “you and I”.

We’re talking blood, and the sheer horror that I would face all in the efforts for you to Look me in my face

and just tell me you ducking won’t leave.

It’s all wanna hear.

And It’s all Really fucking need.

I’m yours…

yellow.

my coffee, at Hyunsun’s coffee shop, listening to slowed&reverbed Yellow.

30th October, 2022 -

my life ends with you.

I wish, just one last time. To sit with the girl I fell in love with. Tell me you won't ever leave.

I won’t look for you anymore.

It’s hard for me to write this and admitting to myself but I won’t look for you anymore.

We once existed, you and I and it was the most beautiful short story I have ever lived through. You see Little One... you opened my eyes; my heart; my mind; my soul and my world. Things that are incomprehensible to human science that linger within the tiny fragments, particles that make up what one feels as we stand. Each and everyone one of us has an energy inside that sleeps silently until awoken. And upon awakening: requiem in the spirit that proceeded; rebirth of a new.

You were the key to my everything and my everything renewed...

But I won’t look for you anymore. There is no longer you and I. The vividness in the painting that we brushed with our blood, I carried with - further pouring my own blood unto canvas - no longer vivid. I guess when it takes two to create and one remains, the splashes of my blood only cover / mask the beauty in which you and I made. It becomes clouded - the picture of you and I - I stand alone bleeding out, you long gone, and I - just biding one’s time until I die.

However you see, I always had a strength within me. And with you by my side all the more. The imperfect shards in my heart that carry “us” have slowly scarred over and rendered me beautiful again, and I’m no longer torn. I see such prettiness in all the light and when darkness consumes, I find comfort in my own, knowing I will walk through tall with my head held high. I’m at peace with myself, the ability to slow down time. I live for my own and each living day seems to blissfully pass by.

It’s a beautiful struggle that I choose to walk. I honestly can’t say, “I wouldn’t have changed a thing”. However, nothing is ever perfect - we were so close to that yet in the end something above wrote us off Cloud 9 and left for me, to pick up the remains.

So I won’t look for you anymore. And hope you do the same. Because a life worth living requires a constant movement, a stoppage in hands of time will not change a thing. I see you in such stunning sights I witness, no longer heavy hearted just perhaps a tearful gratefulness that I see what I can see with my eyes, my heart, my soul and my all. A bliss in every moment and the little moments in which I create home.

You gave me it all...

I will love you. Forever & Always.

- J.

I don’t fall asleep when they lay in bed with me.

Only you ever made me dream...

081022

- J.

It’s okay. Be free.

I sat upright in bed, as she lay next to me. I was all over the place: in a moment of peace, I would see her; the next moment my mind would run to you and find peace in the thought of you laying next to me. If it were you I would be fast asleep... my mind wouldn’t be racing.

The early morning sun was rising, “fuck” - I raced out the door being sure not to wake her. We were supposed to see the sunrise together, but she was fast asleep and I decided to run with you, towards the scarlett skies of the sun.

Skies a colour coated the canvas over the mountains’ shadows on one side and on the other, the seas swept the skies into the distance - serene. I plugged my ears with the soundtrack that was in my heart: “I get out my records, when you go away” - walking along the pier, the light of the rising sun glistening as the rays hit the water of my eyes - “just tell me you love me, cause that’s all I need to hear”...

_____

I followed her onto the rocks that offered a clear 360 view of our surroundings: the sun; the sky; the sea. I watched her as she balanced and bounced her way so freely over the stones, it brought a smile to my face: she liked the wilderness - it brought her peace. We sat together at the edge of the waters in silence, letting the serenity swallow us whole. And in that moment, as I stared into the skies I felt free...

But not in the conventional sense of the word. See I felt “free” of all the things that held me down; held me back. The weight that I carried because it was all so comfortable; all so “romantic” - my reality that was far from reality - I willingly and wanting-ly shouldered for so long. I felt a guilt, a sunked-ness in my stomach as if were this feeling was wrong. A betrayal of you and I. But I was ready after all this time, to “let it go”...

As I watched the winds carry it all from me into the distance I saw you, “us”. And for just one last time I whispered to you,

I’m sorry.

I love you. Forever and Always.

You held my heart in your hands and whispered back to me,

“it’s okay. be free.”

- J.

Day 3.

Am I falling in love with the city or am I falling for myself once again?

Life is more beautiful when you are healthy. :)

021022

- J.

1383天。

It doesn’t quite feel like the end,

yet it feels very much a new start.

Then again, nothing ever ends until “it” ends,

yet we turnover and still have more.

下輩子，一輩子/ 永遠 and always.

Perhaps another shot and maybe another story.

It goes on and on and on and on,

if we really want and we allow it - nothing is ever gone.

So it doesn’t feel quite like the end.

But perhaps a new start. A new path,

until we become one once more.

300922

- J.

相見恨晚。

I don’t know if I’m going to miss you. But when you left, my stomach dropped; heart cracked and tears fell from my eyes.

You see I have problems, ******. When you left, I felt the pain of being abandoned again - caring for someone only to watch them leave. I told you I have had a tough time these past years but I think you have helped me take a big step in the right direction. Although it hurt to watch you leave, knowing or not knowing if our time had come to an end, you helped me. I finally feel again... and it scares me.

I was so numb in this world. Everyone I met I was indifferent and would always feel more lonely as they watched me. However with you, from the very start I felt something... Nothing was or could ever happen between you and I. Even if I was not leaving, it would not end well. Perhaps we would have spent more time together, and perhaps we would have walked further into our emotions. But I have so much shit that is broken in me and I don’t want to hurt you. I stare into your eyes as you stare at me, I don’t want to hurt you. And I don’t think I would end up not doing so. I am broken but I care for you - I can’t break you. You have taken my hand and brought me forward and for that I’m thankful.

I’m listening to this song right now. I feel at peace. Like the stare of your eyes it brings me in, new yet familiar and a wish to live again.

We met for so little time but it mattered, it really did. I hope you know I was sincere.

I will think about you from time to time. And I wish for you to see the beach, I’m sorry I didn’t take you. You know I wanted to, but I also want for you to share those moments and memories with someone whom is right for you.

We sat by the harbour and watched the waves flow. Walked the city hand in hand with music in our ears. And we felt... I finally felt. I will remember our briefest of encounters with a smile in my heart.

I will think about you from time to time. I will miss you.

Thank you, ******.

250922

- J.

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