take me to church @gothicmisty - Tumblr Blog

and it was all yellow

Pairing: Jackson!Joel x F!Reader

Summary: "Y'askin' me to use you," Joel asks. "Tonight?" "If you want to," you respond. "Yeah." "And it ain't suppose to mean nothin' between us?" "That's the whole point, Joel." the one where you and Joel agree to a friends with benefits situation. Everything is going fine until eventually the whole thing gets fucked up. Who fucked it up? Joel did. And maybe...you.

Tags: MDNI 18+, friends with benefits, age gap implied, Jackson Joel, reader is like 30s. oral!m receiving, oral f!receiving, talks of pull out method, anxiety mentions, a bit of free use, p-in-v, unprotected sex, brief mention of scars on reader(years of trying to survive), avoiding emotions, Joel is kind of down bad, creampie, joel cums in his pants from eating, soft dom joel, but my man is afraid of hurting.

A/N: honestly, I’ve worked on this for a while. It’s a two parter. i was listening to a Coldplay song. so this was born. Smuts kinda tame & There is a bit of a time skip. I tried to make it kinda obvious buttt. A cutesy fact, there is small mentions of yellow things :) If you wanna be tagged for part 2, just comment.

Part 2 | Masterlist | ao3

The ride back to town is chilly. It’s strange for this time of year. Not the kind where you're freezing and can't keep yourself warm. It's just a strange breeze that takes you some time to get used to. Hardly enough to cause a shiver, really. It makes you draw the strings of your hoodie tighter.

Just as you're reaching the gates of Jackson. You look up. The sky is that pretty soft yellow. One that makes the trees seem so warm in the cold.

You've lived in this town a year now and somehow the sky's never looked this pretty before.

"Pretty, ain't it?"

His voice comes from the horse beside you.

Joel Miller. Your patrol partner. Most people would describe him as grumpy. He's not exactly that…not all the time.

To be honest, you've spent the last year wondering how the hell the two of you get along. Probably has something to do with the way you handle things. You're mostly quiet, some would say. You can handle yourself, unlike some.

Killing infected is easy for you. You grew up doing it. It's become more like a second nature. When you need to look for somethin' to trade, you do it and don't ask for help.

You're just a girl from a shit family. Who, by the way, practically raised herself. From a town that don't really exist anymore. Somehow you've made it this far.

“I don't think I've ever seen it this color,” You say, eyes still on the sky. "Or maybe I ain't really payed much attention to it."

“‘Minds me of back home,” he shrugs. "Nothin' better than sittin' on the porch after a day in the heat, drinkin' a beer."

"You had a home?" you tease.

To say you're a little jealous would be a lie. You're jealous he remembers what his home felt like after the infection spread. All you remember are quarantine zones. Sure, you had one. In that shitty town you grew up in. You just…don't remember.

After you help put the horses away, it's usually a quick walk back. He walks with you. Most of the time. He's nice like that. Though, you're never really sure why. Says he just wants to make sure no one bothers you.

But today, you stop in front of his house.

His heavy bag is slung over his shoulder as he climbs the worn-out steps. That foggy yellow porch light on as always.

"Ya' comin' in for a drink this time?" he asks. "Still think ya owe me from the last time."

"Tonight?" you raise a brow. "I swear you complained about wantin' to relax like seven times on the way back."

Joel tilts his head toward the door. "Traded for better whiskey this time. Since that last one didn't sit right with your picky ass."

It wasn't that it didn't sit right. It was from a super shady dude and…none of that matters. Why are you hesitating right now? Just staring at him as he unlocks the door.

There ain't nothing waiting for you back home. Almost never is.

Maybe a half-rolled joint. A few sleeping pills you found in that abandoned pharmacy a few weeks back. They really didn't work. It's not like twenty some year old pills are supposed to anyway.

You follow him inside. Now, this isn't the first time you've been in his house. It's always been quick visits. Usually, Ellie was the one to answer the door. But right now, this house? It's way too quiet for a teenager that's supposed to be in it.

"So…where's Ellie?"

Joel doesn't look at you as he closes the door. "Left her a note," he starts. "Told her to stay over at Tommy's. But she ain't ever listen. Prob'ly off with her friends."

It's typical of her. You see her running off with her friends any chance she gets. Can't say you blame her, you were probably the same way at her age. What kind of teenager wants to be cooped up in the house?

Joel nods toward the kitchen table. In that very small. But cozy kitchen.

You sit down at the round table. It has a few messed up chairs. One missing part of its legs. The others worn down with a few deep scratches inside the wood.

Moving through the kitchen, he grabs a bottle from the top of the cabinet. The good stuff he stashes up there. The amber liquid catching in the dimly lit kitchen light. He sets two glasses down on the table, pouring into them.

Then he slides the drink toward you. You give a quick little "Thanks."

Joel sits across from you. A drink in his hand. That old chair creaking as he moves slightly. You think maybe he's about to talk. Instead he takes a slow sip of his drink. There is this silence between you as you both drink.

Neither of you says a word. It doesn't really uncomfortable. These moments with him never exactly are. But, you've had a rough few days. Trade deal gone wrong. Lack of sleep.

You take another sip. The whiskey has that authentic burn as you drink it. It's barely even enough to kill what's been going on in your head.

"You ever get tired of all this?"

Truly, you didn't mean to blurt that out. It just happened. Now, you're going to have to roll with the punches.

Joel looks at you. One brow lifted. It's not even a real reaction to what you said. But enough to let you know he obviously heard you.

"What are you goin' on 'bout?"

"The constant anxiety," you say. "More like the constant bullshit everyday."

He just nods. You sigh, loudly. Dragging your thumb along the rim of the worn down glass.

"I try everything," you admit. "Walking. Writing in a journal for a while. I stole a self help book once that talked about breathing. A terrible herbal tea that just made me feel dizzy."

"Ain't none of that help?"

You take another sip. It burns a little less this time. Might be the whiskey that's given you this fake courage anyway. But you just outright say it.

"Only thing that ever really shuts off my mind is sex."

He swallows hard. Nearly choking on his drink.

It was risky, what you said. Telling your patrol partner you needed sex to turn off the anxiety you were having. He shifts awkwardly in his chair. Jaw tight. Setting his glass down on the table, carefully.

You've already gotten this far. Why stop now?

"I'm not looking for the kind of sex that makes people think they're in love," You continue. "Not pretending it's about feelings or whatever."

Can feel it from his side of the table now. The tension. He hasn't said anything else. Hasn't even shifted. But you know he has to be thinking about it. Hopefully the way you are right now.

"You know, I don't want to be told I'm beautiful," you murmur. "I just want to be fucked. Let someone just use me the way they need."

Joel takes a deep breath. Just sitting there, still not speaking.

"It's about not bein' in my head," You say. "That's all I need."

"Is—uh," Joel finally speaks. "You're serious 'bout this?"

You are serious enough that you hadn't talked yourself out of it. But you're looking at him. He's glancing back. Like he really can't figure out if this is a real conversation.

"I'm serious," you admit. "I know it sounds…fucked."

"I ain't say that."

"But you're thinkin' it," you comment. "It's the only time I feel quiet. I don't need it gentle. Ain't need to be held or praised. I don't want anything."

"You done somethin' like this before?"

Never in a million years. Not this. You haven't had a boyfriend all these years. Mostly trying to survive. But you get it…understand why he'd ask that.

"No," you admit. "Closest I ever got was a shitty one night stand I had years ago. It wasn't exactly anything to write home about."

He taps his foot against the floor. Fingers fidgeting with the glasses he had on the table. Like he doesn't quite know what to do with his hands right now.

Finally he speaks, "Jesus Christ."

It's an impossible ask. What you're even trying to get him to agree to. Sex to give you that peace you need. To calm down whatever the hell is going on inside your head.

"And that's what you want?" He asks. "Right now?"

"I'd never ask you to hurt me," you say. "Not askin' to be degraded or anything. It's about..being quiet. About letting go of my thoughts for a few minutes."

Joel's white as a ghost. Sitting completely still. His hand tapping on the table. Like he's trying to focus on something. Anything else. Though, you're making it hard for him to do so.

"Just for a little while," You shrug. "I just don't wanna think. Not be in control. Or in my head, it's awful in there. Just…letting someone use me."

"Use you?" He furrows a brow.

That's what got him talking. Not surprising. It's probably a bit of a shock to hear you don't want to be in control.

"Yes," you say flatly. "Don't have to help me finish either. I can do that part myself. Or they could…I don't really care."

"Ya let someone do that to you?"

He says it like he's irritated. Like the thought of someone using you has pissed him off. It's just…not how he thinks. It's an arrangement. But you shake your head.

"Not someone," you say, eyes meeting his. "You…it's not like this is somethin' you can do with someone you don't trust. Can't…actually."

"And ya trust me," He rumbles. "With…somethin' like this?"

You nod, "I do."

"Why?" Joel grumbles, taking a pull from his glass. Emptying it. "Outta all people ‘round here, me?"

It's a simple answer. He makes sure the two of you don't get killed. A few times you've done really stupid shit. The one time you insisted going through that run down house. Fell right through the floor board like he said. He helped you anyway. Yelled at you the whole damn time coming back, though.

"I trust you to stop me when I need stopping," you say. "You keep me outta trouble. Ain't that enough right now?"

"Y'askin' me to use you," he asks. "Tonight?"

"If you want to," you respond. "Yeah."

"And it ain't supposed to mean nothin' between us?"

"That's the whole point, Joel."

Joel exhales through his nose. What he usually does when he's trying to hold something back. He has a choice. A yes or a no. Agree to it or don't. You're practically praying he'll say yes. Help whatever's going on in your head.

But he leans back in the old chair. Stares down at the table. At that empty glass that is sitting there.

"Ya serious about this?" He questions.

"Listen, I get it. I do," you start. "I get it sounds a little fucked up. Thought for a while maybe I'm not supposed to want something like this…but I do."

He's looking at you. Really looking. A part of you thinks maybe he's judging a bit. You wouldn't exactly blame him. But he's done avoiding this anymore. It's like he's trying to figure all of this out.

"Ya want me to just take you?" He looks confused. "Like you're mine to do whatever I want with? What if I hurt you?"

"I doubt you'll hurt me," you shrug. "You're a lot gentler than ya think. But it's about not thinking. I want you to decide when we do it. To take what you need from me."

You pause. "I just want….to not be in my head for a few. For the first time in years."

"Ya can have someone younger. Someone who prob'ly won't throw their damn back out. Maybe talks to ya a bit more than I do," he continues. "Who ain't got more years on ya."

"I don't want that," you roll your eyes. "I want someone who I feel safe with. I want you."

That sticks with him. Can see it in his eyes.

Joel leans in. Eyes on yours. "Ya serious about this? Not askin' again."

"Yes."

He's still as can be. Barely blinking. The silence between you two stretches for a few minutes. Long enough for you to think about standing. About leaving the room. About saying nevermind and heading out the front door.

Then, he stands.

Doesn't go far. Just circles around the table. Boots heavy against the wood. He stops behind you. Takes off his jacket. Folds it once like he's making a choice and stays right there. The tension is there. It's got you sitting up straighter in the chair.

He doesn't touch your shoulder. Or lean down.

Just says, "Take off your pants."

He's agreeing to this. Actually agreeing to this. It takes you a second. But then you just undo your shoe laces. Kicking them off. You stand up. Hands going to the button of your jeans. Sliding them down. Black lace underneath.

When did he walk over to the other side of the table? Must've walked back around again when you weren't paying attention. He moves the glass to the middle of the table. The scrape of the chair against the floor is loud as he pulls it all the way back. He sits again.

"C'mere."

Your heart is beating so fast. This is exactly what you wanted. Why are you nervous all of a sudden? You look at him. Joel's sitting back. Legs spread. Elbows on the sides of the chair. Eyes looking straight at your thighs.

"How ya want this to be darlin'?"

"What do you mean?" you raise a brow, slow steps. "Whatever feels natural."

"Alright," he nods. "What don't ya want me to do."

"No praising," you say. "Got it?"

Licking his lips, he points to the floor. "On your knees."

Spreading his legs wider. You sink down between them. He's already hard. You can see the outline through his jeans.

You don't ask. Just reach for his belt.

Joel watches as you undo it. That loud clink as the metal comes undone. He hisses when you pull him free. You had always imagined how his cock would look. Big, of course. But this thick? And veiny? God.

Mouth opens. Your lips part. You take him in without even waiting for permission. Taking it slow at first. Hand wrapping so pretty at the base of his cock. Steadying him as you tilt your head and let him slide over your tongue.

He sucks in a breath through his teeth, "Fuck."

Hands immediately wrapping in your hair. Tightly. You move faster, pressing your tongue flat under his length. Hallowing your cheeks out to take more of him. Dragging your mouth down until he hits the back of your throat.

He groans, "Christ. Just like that…"

It is obviously a slip out. An instinct. It's hardly meant to be a praise. Not anything sweet toward you. Just the truth. Anything he'd say to a girl who's mouth is wrapped around his cock.

You let him fill your mouth again and again. Mouth full. Jaw burning as spit slides down your chin. You keep your hand steady at the base of his cock. Move faster. Moaning around him. He jerks his hips, just once.

Not quite thrusting. Trying to keep very still.

That's when your free hand moves. Slips low. Going straight into the waistband of your panties. Pressing right into your clit. You're so desperate to cum when he does. Jesus, you're fucking soaked.

Joel looks down. Eyes going to the floor. He sees your hand. Sees the way your knees are digging into the wood floor. The mess on your chin. Spit and his precum dripping around your mouth.

He curses, a lot louder this time. "You fuckin' touchin' yourself?"

You hum against him. The only answer you can really give with a mouthful of cock. He's breathing harder now. Jaws tight. The muscles in his stomach tensing from the small bit of his shirt rode up.

"Goddamn," he grits out. "Don't you stop."

And you don't. Fingers working a little faster against your clit. Frantic circles. Mind going blank. You're about to cum with your mouth wrapped around him. Thighs start to tremble. His cock does a small twitch against your tongue.

"F…fuck…I'm gon…"

You moan around him. His pull of your hair is what does it. You cum, hard. Thighs closing around your hand. Fingers still working. Joel's head falls back.

"Fuck-take it…just take it."

Hot spurts of his cum land in the back of your throat. You choke once. Barely. Then swallow down as much of it the best you can. Joel's breathing is still coming out hard. Slumped back in the chair.

One hand drags slow down his leg. The other letting go of your hair. Like he's trying to settle himself. You wipe your mouth. Pulling your hand from your panties. Fingers still shaky.

He looks at you. "You okay?"

You give a nod. Don't really have the words for it right now. Heads really fogged and your body is tired. Like everything you've been feeling has finally let go. You haven't felt like this in…God, you don't even know how long.

Somehow, you fall asleep on Joel Miller’s couch that night. And it's the best sleep you had in years.

Joel already left for the day by the time you got up.

It surprises you. Leaving you alone in the house. Leaving you covered up with a blanket. His blanket. Smells just like him. Can't really describe it just him.

You gather your stuff together. As fast as someone possibly can. It doesn't feel right hanging around his place. You aren't his girlfriend. Well…you're not technically his friend either. Not one to hang out in here.

Once you settle down in the mess hall. You accepted how your day is going to be. Not seeing him. Just a clear head space. A book. Something to get you through the day.

But, of course. The mess hall is loud.

Way too many voices. Chairs scraping as people get up and sit down. Someone dropped a plate on the ground and it shattered. Fuck, you should've stayed home. Easier if you did.

You can barely focus on the book in front of you. All the pages bleeding together. Actually, you've read the same page maybe seven times already.

What is the plot even about? You have no idea. Only thing you know is it’s a half-assed romance book you found a while back. Now, your tea is cold.

No point in really drinking it.

Just as you turn the page. Your eye catches the edge of a belt. You know that belt. After last night, the way you unbuckled it was burned into your brain.

Fuck…don't think about it.

The chair scapes loudly. Joel sits down in front of you. His fingers gently placing the food down onto the table.

"Y'alright?" Joel questions.

He asked you last night. Right now, it's sweet that's he's checking in. That he cares enough to. You're still…friends. After all.

"I'm fine," you reply. "Y'know you asked me that exact question last night too. Nervous?"

That part is obvious. He was also nervous last night. It isn't like anyone can hear the two of you. It's too loud. Plenty of voices louder than you both.

"What you want to do…" Joel starts. "Does it come with some kinda rules?"

Does sleeping with your patrol partner come with rules? That part you're not even sure. The whole concept is new. At least to you. You hadn't even thought this far ahead, figured he would've simply just said no.

"Do you want there to be rules?" You ask. "I'm not sure how this whole thing works."

"I ain't either," he says. "But…some ground rules are prob'ly the way to go."

Is there a guide? Rules to avoid developing feelings for someone you're messing around with? What are you saying? This is Joel. You are the one who has to worry about the feelings here.

"The easiest one is no kissing."

That is an obvious one, right? You're sleeping together. A casual arrangement. No need to be kissing each other.

"Can't do it at the house again," Joel mutters. "Ain't really want Ellie to know about all this."

Fair. This isn't something you exactly wanna explain to anyone to be honest. It's better kept between the two of you.

"I guess…no cuddling. No coupley things," you suggest. "And always pull out."

The last thing you wanted or needed is to be pregnant. Can barely handle yourself, let alone a damn baby in this situation. These are easy rules, right? Simple ones that two of you can follow.

"Ya got any other ones?" he questions.

Well… you should have more. Really, this whole thing is a giant red flag on your part. Sleeping with a man you're sure as hell to get feelings for. It's not just him that's gonna make you feel that way. It's his words.

"No praising," you blurt out. "We need to stick with that."

You don't need to be told you're doing such a good job. Or that you're pretty. All those little things you know he's capable of saying? They're just a ticking time bomb. Something that's going to explode in your head. Make you think about this constantly.

Lying to yourself. Telling yourself zero feelings will be had is so much easier. For Joel, the man who you've never known to have feelings for anyone. There's no chance he has to worry about falling in love with you.

You, of all people here.

"Anythin' else?" You add. "You don't have anything?"

He shakes his head. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

That's going to be a thing now. Asking if you're okay. Can't really rule your way out of that one. He's concerned. When someone you've known a long time comes to you with this. You can see it as being worrisome.

"I'm alright," you say, nodding toward the door. "Looks like someone's looking for you."

There is Tommy. Motioning for you to get Joel's attention. Just like that…this moment you two are sharing. It's gone. Joel gives you a polite head nod and he's up. The chair scraping against the floor as he's leaving.

Joel shuts the barn doors behind you. The rain coming down hard as you tie the horses to the poles. The old barn can at least offer you some shelter. Most of the parts had been replaced years ago. Jackson uses this barn for all the animals.

Still, it's worn by years of just sitting here.

It's about a mile outside of town. Yellow hay still fresh from when it was freshly laid out the other day. Enough to keep the horses warm, at least.

"Y'know it's my favorite," you say. "All this rain…reminds me of that shitty apartment I lived in the quarantine zone."

"Shouldn't have taken so damn long," he groans. "Whatever was takin' you so long back there."

Doesn't really matter what you were doing. Just that it took a little too damn long and now you are soaked. Joel's jacket is dripping water onto the ground. The only light coming in here is from the small windows.

"How long you think we'll be stuck here?" you question, looking around.

Above you is a little storage spot. A set of stairs that lead up to it. It's made out of thicker wood. Some of it looks like it's been recently replaced. An easy place to sit. Better than standing here.

"Prob'ly an hour. Maybe more…" Joel shrugs. "Better get comfortable. Ain't feel like riding all the way back ‘til it stops."

You make your way up the stairs. Listening to the loud creak under you. Taking steps up to the top. When you look back at Joel, he's raising a brow at you. Before he follows you up. Only thing up here is a barrel of hay.

Joel stands at the top. Just looking at you, crossing his arms. You can sit down. Can talk about how the weather is right now. But no…you know what you want. Him. That's what this whole thing is about, isn't it?

Reaching for the hem of your shirt, you pull it above your head. Throwing it down on the floor. You're different from years before. New scars on random places of your body. Ones that are on your stomach are darker. Fresher.

"Are you gonna just stand there?" You smirk. "No one's around. Who's gonna hear us?"

You feel vulnerable. Just by how his eyes are looking at you. He steps forward, unbuttoning his shirt. Then his fingers are on your stomach. Gently touching those scars. You would push someone else away…not him.

"How'd ya get these?" Joel asks, pulling off that brown flannel.

"How'd you get yours?" You smile. "Fell through a building once when I was trying to survive."

"I can't even say where most've mine have come from," he shrugs, his white shirt coming off next.

"They look good on you," you murmur. "Not so much on me."

Joel says nothing. But it's the look in his eyes that you already know he disagrees. Your bra comes off. Hitting the floor. Quickly your pants and underwear are the next to go. Kicked off somewhere around space.

"You nervous?" You ask, reaching forward to help him unbuckle his belt.

"No," he replies, flat. "Just gotta be careful."

"Careful," you raise a brow. "With me?"

"Mhm."

"I don't need you to be careful with me."

"I'ma always try to be that way," Joel says. "Can't help it."

His clothes are on the floor. Your eyes instantly go to his cock. Yes, you've seen it before. He's big. He felt massive in your mouth. But it's the sure shock of just how big he is when he's standing in front of you.

Turning you around, he presses you against his chest. Feeling just how much hair he has on his chest brushing your back. It makes your eyes roll back. He gently guides you on top of the hay barrel. Your face pressing against it.

You think you hear him about to say something. Instead he just clears his throat. Maybe it's just that little bit of nerves you both are feeling. Well…you're feeling anyway. Once you look back at him, you see him gathering spit on his fingers.

Pressing them into your soft cunt. Oooh. Fuck.

"Joel," you cry out.

His fingers slowly spreading you open. Wetness immediately coating his fingers as he drags them in and out of you. Your hands looking for something to hold onto. Fuck, you just want his cock. Actually, you need it. All you can do is push back on his fingers and whine.

"Need to spread ya open a bit, darlin'," he mutters. "Gotta get ya ready."

Joel spreads your legs further. Stepping between them. His fingers dragging in and out of you until he takes them out. Using your wetness to stroke over his cock once. Twice. Pressing just the head into you.

"Goddamn," he groans, mostly to himself. "Got such a pre-"

He stops himself from saying whatever he was about to say. Instead, just pushes the thick head of his cock fully inside you. You let out a small whine. Hand moving back to spread you open. So he can watch.

"You're takin' me so good," he moans, thrusting inside you. "Watchin' her take every inch of me."

"Fuck-fuck," you cry. "Gonna have to slow down a bit."

Slowly, he keeps going. You feel him pushing deeper. Your hands clawing at the hay as he buries to the hilt. He takes a second. Though, you need a second. But then he pulls back and thrusts forward.

Oh god.

You moan so loudly. He picks up the pace, eyes practically glued to your cunt. Watching his cock going in and out of you. Every time he's pulling out, your cunt is sucking him back in. He slams back in, you cry out.

"God," you mumble. "Joel-fuck."

Finally, he finds a pace. He thrusts harder. You're babbling. Moaning his name over and over, like it's all you can say. Then he stops.

"Shhh," he says, listening. "I swear I heard somethin'."

"Joel," you cry. "Don't stop."

He slaps a hand across your mouth. Freezing mid thrust. Doing his best to listen. But you can't help yourself. You groan. Rocking your hips back, fucking your soaked cunt back on him.

You can tell he's trying. Really trying to pay attention to anything but the fact you're fucking yourself on his cock. Whining into his hand as he hits the softness of your cervix. The second he realizes no one is out there. He pulls his hand away and slams into you.

Practically bringing a scream out of you. Ohhh. It feels so good. He rolls his hips. Starts thrusting into that sweet spot. Pulling your hips down further. Joel reaches around, finding your clit.

A few really rough circles. And you cum.

Face buried in the hay. Moans mostly muffled. He pulls out. God, you miss the feeling of him filling you. You turn back to him. Watching him jerk himself onto your ass. Hot spurts of cum hitting your back.

As you catch your breath. You realize…it's not raining anymore. Those little pitter-patters that had hit the roof before are gone. You just smile and look at him. Hand running through his hair. Sweat down his chest. Out of breath.

"It stopped raining," you chuckle. "If you can't tell."

"Y'don't say?"

Climbing up to get a better view of something wasn't really the best choice you made today. Actually, it was the worst. You slipped. Stumbled on some rock because you were barely paying attention.

Got a few scratches on the way down. But nonetheless, you were fine. Joel is…obviously fine. You limped back home once you got off your horse. Listening to Joel go on and on about how reckless you are. You're not really. It wasn't even that tall, to be honest.

"Outta ya damn mind," Joel growls. "Coulda got hurt doin' somethin' like that."

You push the door open. After what happened today. Kinda surprised he walked you all the way back. Though, you spent most of the time limping. The first thing you do is throw your bag onto that old couch of yours. Hitting that yellow blanket you left there last night.

"I barely fell," you scoff. "Just lost my balance after I climbed up. It's a few tiny scratches, no big deal."

"Gonna get yourself hurt real bad one day," He shakes his head. "I ain't gonna be there to help you all the damn time."

"You gonna leave me?" you pout, kidding.

Joel does another small head shake. Looking around your place. He's never actually been inside the house. Always stopped at the front door. Polite enough to make sure you got in okay. Even though you didn't need help.

"Not unless you want me to," Joel says, standing as you sit on the couch.

You didn't want to say it out loud. That strangely enough you have gotten used to him. All this time the two of you spend together. It would be strange if one day he just isn't in your life anymore.

"You-uh still planning that thing for Ellie’s birthday?" you question, trying to change the subject.

"Mhm," he tilts his head. "She's still on that astronaut thing. Well, least I think she is. Someone told me 'bout that place across the highway. Somethin' might be in there."

It's a tradition he does. Her birthday every year. Takes months of planning. Her birthday isn't even until March. Tries to make it as special as he can for her, given the circumstances. It's sweet. A side of him that is rare to see. He may be brooding and a bit of a pain in the ass.

That's always how he is. But…under that. It's something you want to understand.

He sits down next to you. After a few minutes, the two of you are just sitting in silence. The one you've gotten used to. But, thanks to this arrangement, it's different now. You know why he's here. Why he bothered to come inside. Can't be that he wants to spend time with you, right?

You reach over. Your hand rubbing over his thigh. Joel mutters something. You can't really understand exactly what it is. When he finally looks over at you.

"Ain't gotta do this," Joel says. "Not if-"

"I want to," you smile. "Don't you? This is what we agreed on, right?"

"We're doin' it my way this time," he moves your hand.

His way? What the hell does he mean by his way? He doesn't stand up. Just moves off the couch to get on his knees. Which, you know he'll complain about later. He's not going to...is he? He spreads your legs. Hands going to the button of your jeans.

"What are you…"

This is what you wanted? Isn't it? Just like before. Taking what he wants. What he needs first. Letting you get out of your head for just a few minutes. The button of your jeans pops open.

"Joel…" you gasp, as he pulls your pants. "You don't gotta do that."

"Do what, darlin'?"

You knew the moment he got on his knees what he's going to do. And really…he doesn't have to. What does it do for him? The sex a few days ago. You understood. It was quick and fast. A benefit for both of you. But this? How does it benefit him?

"Y-you know what I'm talking about…" you breathe. "Joel…"

Lifting your hips, he slides your jeans all the way off. That anxious feeling starts creeping up in your throat. No one has ever…done this.

Gotten on their knees for you. Friends…obviously talk.

You've heard how good it is. How it feels amazing when the other person actually enjoys it. Because why wouldn't it be?

"Joel," you say, firmly. "You don't have to."

"Don't want me to," he asks, beard grazing your inner thigh. "Or don't think I'm gonna be good at it?"

He's going to be amazing at it. He's…fantastic at everything he does. The second you open your mouth to say something back. His teeth sink into the inner part of your thigh. You jolt from the rough bite.

"Fuck," you whine.

His tongue moves across the tender bite. Giving it such a small kiss. It stings a little, you have to admit. He kisses up your thigh. His hands grip your thighs and pull you to the edge of the couch.

Jesus. You tangle your fingers in his gray hair.

What's wrong with you? Why wouldn't you want this? Him on his knees. His beard against your thighs. He spreads your legs a little further. Then he sinks his teeth into the sweet spot where your hip meets your thigh. You choke out.

He just grins. You can feel it against your skin.

"Whatcha need, darlin'?"

"I-I-uh," you stammer out. "You."

"C'mon now," He smirks. "I know you're better with ya words."

"Your tongue," you finally say.

Hooking two fingers into your soaked panties. He pushes them to the side. You look down at him. His eyes are so focused on your puffy cunt. Using his tongue to wet his lips.

"You want my tongue on this pretty pussy?"

He sounds drunk. Hasn't even had his mouth on you yet. It's like he needs more. Pretty. It's in your head. But it's obviously not about you…right. You grip his hair.

His mouth hovers over your clit. Just barely. His warm breath against it. The tip of his tongue brushes against it. You gasp. It's overwhelming. Just that little taste. Fuck, you need more. You start pulling his head closer. Trying to get him where you need him the most.

"Please," you beg, something you don't do often.

There's no warning. Never known Joel to give one anyway. His mouth closes around your clit in a hungry suck. He lets go. Dragging his tongue down to your dripping entrance. Plunging his tongue inside.

"OH," you cry out.

Joel's eyes look up at you. Your free hand sinks into the couch cushion. Trying to grab anything that isn't pulling his hair. He drags his tongue back up, he circles your clit. Groaning into your cunt like you're the best thing he's ever tasted.

Just as he starts to drag his tongue back down. You whine.

"No-no," you cry, "Go back to what you were doin', please."

His eyes roll back. Like your praise is what does it for him. His mouth's back to sucking on your clit. Making you babble out words you can barely understand. You understand it now. He rolls your clit with his tongue until you're trying to push his head away.

"I'm-"

You cum. His arms wrapping around your thighs. Burying his face so deep into your cunt that he might suffocate. And honestly? He doesn't seem to mind. You're trying to push him away as fast as you can.

Hands still trying to push him away. He doesn't budge. Just moans into your spit soaked pussy. You can feel your clit pulsing against his tongue. Then you feel it. A little gush that soaks his beard. Did you just…? On him? It takes a minute to process as he continues to suck.

"Joel!" You yelp. "I can't."

You're doing your best to run from it. Just crying out over and over again how good it feels. Until he finally stops to take a breath.

"I ain't have somethin' this sweet in so long," Joel mumbles.

His beard is covered in you. He licks his lips. This time, he really does look drunk on you. He buries his face back in. Each his time his tongue flicks over your clit, you cry out. He doesn't seem to care how overstimulated you are right now. Not even when your thighs press against his ears.

"No-," you protest. "No more tonight."

"Not done, darlin'." Joel says. "Ain't ever had a pussy this good."

You're a mess. Head dipping back. Out of breath. Brain working on overtime just to form a single sentence. Didn't even know something like this could feel this good. You stop fighting. Biting down on your lip to muffle your moans.

Tongue dragging from your entrance back up to your clit. His lips are back around your clit. Just as his two thick fingers slide inside your pulsing cunt. Thrusting them lazily. Hitting that spot every time. It's not going to take long for you to cum.

Legs are shaking. You are gasping.

Christ, you're practically sobbing. Hand barely muffling the ones that slip out every once in a while. Your thighs? They're squeezing his head so tight. You are wondering how he's even breathing.

And then you cum again. Gushing all over his fingers. Hips grinding into his mouth. He doesn't want to stop, you can tell. But you're pushing him back so hard. It finally nudges him away. Jesus fucking Christ.

After a minute, you relax. Legs finally not tensing anymore. He smirks. Pressing one last kiss to your sensitive clit. You whimper, not expecting it. He slides your panties back into place.

"Are you trying to kill me?" you ask, swallowing hard.

Joel wipes his face off with his arm. When he stands, you notice is. The wet mark that's spread across the front of his jeans. He came. He came in his pants from just eating you? My god, that's the hottest thing you've ever seen.

Fuck.

"You okay?" he asks, catching his breath.

"Yeah," you nod. "Are you?"

"Bathroom?" Joel mutters quickly.

You point down the hallway. "It's that way. Second door to the left."

You have no idea where he's taking you.

Just riding horses on some abandoned road for a while. Haven't been this far away from Jackson since before winter. God, you barely realized where you are. If it weren't for that worn weathered down white church about two miles back. Or the old arcade. The sign had fallen down since the heavy snow. You’d know exactly where you are.

But this far out. You don't recognize.

Joel's a little further ahead of you. Looking back every few minutes to make sure you're following along. He seems to know precisely where he's going.

"Here," he points.

You tie your horse to the most stable part of the fence. Looking up at the old brick building. Why did he bring you all the way out here? More places to search? Something specific?

"Can I ask why you brought us here?" You question. "There is a ton of houses a mile back. Easier than here."

"Ain't ya full of questions today, darlin'?"

Okay…fair. It's a bit more than usual. Mostly because the two of you have a routine. Search the places that are closest. This isn't anywhere near close. At this point you might actually have to stay out here for the night.

Once you step through the smashed out doors. Glass crunching under your feet. The realization hits as you read the sign. You're in a library. An actual one. You mentioned to him in such a small comment. That you swear you've read every book in Jackson by now.

He...uh. He remembered you said that.

"How'd you find this place?" You ask, looking around.

The shelves are still lined with old dusty books. A kids section that hasn't been touched in twenty something years. Little teddy bears that are stacked in a corner. Those ABC blocks stacked on each other. A place frozen in time.

"Asked 'round," Joel replies, walking on the glass behind you. "Had somebody owe me. They pointed me this way."

There are very few people who casually owe Joel Miller a favor. When they did it is usually something bigger then giving away some secret. You raise a brow, looking back at him. Walking further into the library.

"A favor, huh?"

As you turn the corner. You bump into one of the shelves. A single book falls off the shelf. The back of it hits the floor. Dust coming off the ground. You pick it up. Wiping the yellow book off with your hands.

It's a regency book. Or you think it is. Something you ain't ever read before. You look back at him and just smile. Feels like being a kid in the biggest candy store right now.

"How long do we have? Before we have to pack up?"

"Long as you want," he drawls. "Ya itchin' to go home already?"

"No," you shake your head, grabbing another book. "It’s-uh just gonna get dark soon. Don't wanna take too long."

"Threw a bag together," he says, leaning against a wall. "Ya got the whole night here. 'Less ya ain't looking to share a sleepin' bag with me?"

You roll your eyes. After all the two of you have done. Sharing a sleeping bag is the least of your worries. You place your fingers on the spines of the book as you walk down the row. Looking at each one of them.

"You sure about this?" You inquire. "The entire night? Really?"

He nods. Eyes on you as you look back at him. He did this. For you…? But why? You grab a book off the shelf and read the back.

"Whole night, darlin'," he says. "Go on…have ya fun."

You try to hold back some eager squeals as you keep looking through all the books. Grabbing so many different ones and reading just a small section of them. It's overwhelming actually. How much is here.

How many different ones you've never seen. Some you've seen too many of. Like you could sorta tell what was the most popular at the time. Before the world fell to complete shit.

Hours pass, maybe. You're barely even sure. Not like you have a watch or the broken clocks in this place actually worked. But the sun’s gone down. Those yellow streaks that were lighting up the building are now gone. You catch yourself looking at Joel. Wonder what he's doing.

He'd be reading some book. Or walking around the place. Making sure everything is okay. It isn't until you hear him call your name. While you're sitting on the floor. Flashlight in your mouth. Staring down at the words.

"Gotta go," Joel says loudly, motioning toward the door.

"Now?" You sigh.

"Let's go," he rushes. "Ain't got a lotta time."

Scrambling to your feet. You shove the book into your bag. You’re surprised it's barely holding on. The straps ripping at the top. Throwing it over your shoulder. Catch right up to him. The only light you can see is thanks to your dully lit flashlight.

And his. Just a smidgen ahead of you.

The two of you head across the street. To another abandoned building. The mailboxes on the outside look like something from an old apartment building. Stepping into one of the fully empty rooms, he closes the door.

This has happened before. Staying in some strange building for the night. Before Jackson it was about surviving the night. Since then, it was rare. Snowed in. Rain too bad to ride back. Far from something anyone should be used to. But at some point everyone who's scavenged has done it.

Taking a long drink of water. You heard the sound of scraping against the floor. You turn, he's moving something heavy. A dresser maybe against the door. He groans loudly and rubs his shoulder as he moves away from it.

You let out a little laugh. Biting your lip.

"Somethin' funny, darlin'?"

"You can use ya other shoulder," you comment. "The one that isn't going to cause you all that pain."

"Habit," Joel murmurs. "A bad one."

A habit. Much like the two of you have become. Chasing those moments where it's just the two of you. Ignoring what life is really like outside of the bubble. Is this how it's supposed to feel? Not like you've had experience with this.

Is someone who you casually sleep with supposed to take you this far…just so you can enjoy your favorite hobby? Or last week when he gave you some of his coffee? Which, he never does. Made sure you ate when you weren't feeling great. All these things are normal, right?

The sleeping bag hits the floor as you toss your water bottle. Joel's sitting on the ground. Untying his boots as he tries to stretch out. Moaning about his shoulder pain.

"Comin'?"

"Do I got another choice?" You tease. "Sleeping bag or the floor?"

"Get in here."

Today is his birthday.

You circled it on that shitty calendar you made and kept pinned to your kitchen wall. His rule is to not make it a huge deal. It's just another day, after all. That's what Joel told you about a thousand and ones times leading up to today.

"Ain't need nothin', darlin'. It's just a normal day."

You knew different. He just wanted you to pretend it isn't a big deal.

It's literally pouring out. It reminds you of him. That time on patrol where you two sat in an abandoned barn. You told him how it is your favorite.

The way it just wets everything. The way the puddles would fill in the broken road. Now as you stand here with a cup of tea, you actually realize you're upset that you're not with him.

That's strange. Or is it? That you're thinking about him more and more each day. Stop it. This is just an arrangement. You've had this conversation with yourself a million and one times by now. Haven't you? Just…stick to it.

After being stuck in the house. You decide maybe it's just best if you go out. Get outta your head. You're not gonna go to him. Not tonight-it's his birthday.

You grab a hoodie. Throw it over your head and head out in the rain. Stepping into a few muddy puddles before you're at the Tipsy Bison.

Which is…surprisingly filled with people.

Everyone sitting around. Drinking something. At least someone's making a living' tonight.

Even the bar doesn't feel how it usually would. Seriously, you promised him. You fucking promised you wouldn't make today into this huge thing. Swore up and down.

The moment you woke up this morning you told yourself you wouldn't go over there. Check in on him. But it doesn't feel like a normal day.

You'd be lying to yourself if you said it did. Lately, you're good at that. Telling yourself in your head things don't really matter.

Tommy had given you that somewhat awkward hi you've gotten used to. Dale...you know Dale. That kinda awkward patrol kid. He offered to buy you a drink. You declined, of course.

After someone knocked over a glass. It could've been the shatter. What the hell are you even doing here? Filling the void? Drinking is a way to that. You suppose.

"C'mon now," Joel says.

Fuck. You didn't even realize he'd come through the front door. Actually, how long has he been here for?

"What?" you raise a brow, looking up at him.

It's pretty obvious to he isn't trying to sit down. Just staring down at you the way he does. Then he repeats himself. That drawn out C'mon.

That makes you push out that old shitty chair and stand up. Any other day you would've argued with him. Asked where you're going.

The two of you are walking out the back door. The rain instantly soaking your hair. It's starting to sick to the sides of your face. He's gently gripping your arm as you walk down the street.

"Where are we going?" You finally ask, blinking the rain out of your eyes.

"Don't make no difference."

In a way it doesn't. Right now, you're practically running through the street with him.

That's when you see it through the drenching rain. That yellow porch light. The only thing you can really see. It happens so fast. Stepping up on the porch. Going through the door.

This is a line, isn't it? You're watching it break right in front of you. He said that his house is off limits. Here you are, following him. Undoing the shoe laces of your muddy shoes. Kickin' them off.

That red soaked hoodie you were wearing landing on the sofa. Joel's hand grabs yours. Are you supposed to say anything? Ask him if he's okay?

Okay, clearly…he's not.

With just the way he's acting. Grabbing you out of a bar. How light his hand is grabbing yours. That look in his eyes as he looks back at you.

This entire time you've needed him. To stop whatever has been going on in your head. For the first time ever. He needs you.

Today. Joel Miller needs you.

Once the bedroom door closes behind you. You feel your heart in your chest. You've never been in here. Everything in here just screams. Him. Now…your palms are sweating.

Just do it. It's your turn. To take the first steps. You reach for the hem of your shirt. Pulling it over your head. Off came your bra next. It falls down to the floor with your shirt.

Joel moves a piece of hair from your shoulder. His calloused fingers running down the side of your neck. To your collarbone.

Everything feels strange. Different in a way. His touches. Your breathing. How the room feels so much warmer than it was a few minutes ago. Even as you take off your pants and underwear.

When you turn around to look at him. His hands are shaky as he takes off his belt.

Eyes down on the floor. Don't ask him. Don't you dare do it. Opening your mouth is going to ruin everything right now. That isn't what he needs. He needs this. To feel close to you. A way you've learned to understand.

Both of you are naked as he steps closer to you. You look up into those brown eyes of his. It's like you can really see into them. Is it the same way he sees you? You're both just two broken people.

Whatever is going on isn't about patience. It's about need. When the back of your knees hit the wooden bed frame. You gasp. Unlike all the times before. He's being so gentle as he lifts your legs onto the bed.

You move up into the middle of the bed. Spreading your legs open slightly as he presses his knee onto the bed. He spreads your legs further apart. Thumb rubbing gently against your knee.

His eyes go down to your soaked cunt. Your eyes stay on him as he spits into his hand. Reaching down to rub it over his thick cock. Not wasting any time. Not that you want him to right now. He lines himself up with your soaking hole and pushes in.

The stretch along makes you whine. Hands going right to his chest.

The feeling of him inside you is intense. Every time feels like the first. This time he's slowly moving. Dipping just the head of his cock inside you. Pulling back out. Just to push in again. So careful. His fingers are digging into your thighs.

"Don't tease me," you beg. "Joel…please."

"Wanna enjoy her," Joel groans, pulling out. Pushing back in once more.

You grind yourself back. Taking just a little more of him inside you. He grips the headboard. Hands shaking the wood. And slams into you. Filling you. Hitting into your cervix hard enough to make you yelp.

Fingernails dig into his chest. Scratching just hard enough to leave a few red marks. He starts thrusting slowly. Fully pulling out. Slamming back into your tight pussy hard. Rattling the bed under you.

"Sweetheart," He moans. "Feelin' so good. Pretty pussy wrapped around my cock."

Uh, that's new. Darling…you were use to that. He about near calls everyone that. But sweetheart? That’s different. It's a rule. A silent rule. No nicknames. No coupley things.

Don't…Don't over think it. You look up into his eyes. They way they're looking down at your body. His hand rubs against those few scars on your belly. God, you can't stop staring at him. How focused he is as he fucks you.

"Ain't nothin' more beautiful," he chokes out. "Takin' it like a good girl."

He pops his finger in his mouth. Wetting it. Quickly presses his thumb right into your clit. Rubbing circles as he thrust into you. Hitting that spot that is making you melt all over his cock.

Wait. Wait.

Did he just…? Did he just call you beautiful? He's fucking you so good you barely registered it. He just called you beautiful with his cock buried so deep inside you. This should be a hard stop. Shouldn't it?

It's a rule. You know…that list of things the two of you agreed on? To stop feelings? So this wouldn't turn into a real thing? And now, it's broken. Really broken.

Looking down between you. Where your bodies are meeting with each other. He pulls out. His cock glistening with your slick. Then slamming back in. The sounds echoing in the room as he fucks you.

"Joel," You cry out.

Fingers still on your clit. Fuck, you're about to cum. Breathing heavy. Pussy gripping his cock as he drives into you.

"Fuck," he groans. "Needed ya so fuckin' bad."

You push his hair behind his ear. Those silver streaks of gray that run throughout. He stops, hovering over you. Breathing kind of sporadic. But it's like…he's debating something. What is he thinking about-then his lips are on yours.

Eyes go wide. He's actually kissing you. Right this instant. You don't want him to stop kissing you, to be honest. His lips feel so soft against yours. He taste like whiskey. A taste you never want to leave your mouth.

Hands wrap around his neck. Fuck…fuck. His tongue swipes your bottom lip. As you moan, he slips inside your mouth. He starts moving. For some reason, it feels so much better than before. Dragging his thick cock in and out of you. Lips hungrily smacking against yours.

Joel's fingers work you again. Pressing a little harder as you break the kiss. Crying out into his mouth. Your teeth sinking into his bottom lip.

It feel so good. Too good actually.

"Don't stop," you beg. "I'm gonna cum. Fuck, I think…"

His forehead is presses against yours. "C'mon doll, I know ya can cum all over me. Seen ya do it before."

It's like his words are what does it. You cum hard all over his cock. Soaking him and dripping all over the bed sheets under you. Did you just…? God, don't. Don't.

"Atta girl," he praises you.

His praise turns off your brain off. That drawn out voice of his. It just hits a spot you didn't know is possible. If you hadn't already soaked the sheets under you. You probably would've just from that.

Taking his hand away from your clit. You whine. You actually whine from the loss. Grinding your hips against him hard. Just to chase the feeling. He pins both of your hands to the bed. His fingers lace in yours.

You turn your head to look. His large rough hands covering your smaller ones. You..just never realized how much bigger his hands were until now. And just how perfectly they fit into yours.

"Ain't gonna last much longer baby," he announces.

He's hitting your clit with every thrust. Grinding into you just to keep hitting your g-spot. Sex with Joel has always been fucking fantastic. But never this good. You don't realize what's changed. Okay, stop lying. You do.

This isn't just fucking. You know it. He knows it.

Leaning up. You bite on his bottom lip. Making Joel growl and fuck you harder. The bed is creaking louder with each slam. You're crying out his name. Nothing that you're saying is making sense. Mostly just babbles.

"Joel…"

"Darlin'," he grunts out. "Gonna cum."

"Inside," you choke out before you realize you've just said that. "Cum inside. Please."

He looks at you. Like he needs to make sure that you're sure about this. You just nod your head quickly. You watch him look down. Trying to keep himself in control. His hand grabs your hips. Pulling you firmly against him.

The second his cock hits that spot again. You cum. Juices covering his length. Eyes rolling back. Your fingers squeezing his cock so hard.

Your knuckles are turning that pink. Mouth falling open.

Joel's so lost in it when your eyes open. Nearly hurting you with how hard he's going. Until he lets out a rough groan. His tip kissing your tender cervix. Hot spurts of cum coat your cunt. Filling you up so much it begins to spill out around his cock.

Pressing one last kiss to your forehead. He pulls out of you. Leaving you completely breathless next to him. The first thing you miss is his skin against yours. You quickly stand up.

"Ya okay?"

"Yeah," you nod. "I just..just need to go to the bathroom."

Grabbing the nearest shirt. You throw it on. It's too loose to be yours. It has to be the gray one he was wearing before. Opening the door you peak into the hallway. Praying that Ellie wasn't home for any of this.

Then you slip into the bathroom. Patting against the wall. Finding the light switch. The sudden light hurts your eyes. You close the door behind you. It's…perfectly silent. There you stand. Your reflection looking back at you.

What did the two of you just do? Crushed every single rule that is up for a reason. Rules that were meant to stop…this. Now, it's all gonna spill out.

Everything. Seriously, everything was going fine. Just fine.

Until Joel Miller decided he needed to kiss you. In the middle of sex. Now, you don't know what to say. But you can't stop thinking about it.

forgive me. the next part is going to be kinda angsty.

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