As if losing one’s shit isn’t enough
it’s been a wild ride this year. I tried to kill myself in February & spent three weeks on a locked ward. I’m working on a comedy bit about that, stay tuned. My roommate bailed on me, telling me I betrayed her. Still trying to unpack that. I was suicidal but she was betrayed. She gave up our apartment and moved to Delaware; without saying anything to me. She refused to take my calls while I was in the hospital. She stole my cats, without letting me see them before she shipped them off to DE to be with her girlfriend; but I betrayed her. OK
I had to leave Boston & am now staying with my Mom in NYC, not the ideal situation, trust me. The good news, I have a great therapist, the bad news, I have to do a timeline of my trauma beginning from childhood. It is difficult, to say the least. When I finished yesterday’s portion, I cut again. I haven’t done that since I before I went to the hospital. Don’t get me wrong, I have had the urge every day, but have been able to avoid cutting, thanks to the coping skills I learned at the hospital. It’s been a trip, to say the least.
This morning, I had to take my Mom to the ER, spent hours there while she underwent tests and they admitted her. It wasn’t a TIA; good news, they found a meningioma-bad news. Doing a lot of additional testing, I’ve been in a highly agitated state all day, not to mention a major migraine, due to the crappy weather in NY.
I cut again tonight, I love the blood, I know my therapist is not going to be happy tomorrow, but for tonight I feel better. I’ve spoken to every member of the family; I didn’t hear from them when I was in the hospital or even after I got out. It’s been an interesting day, no one wants to discuss my losing my shit.
I’m not sure why, I’ve been there for those who have been through so much worse and yet my shit, just seems to be unimportant to them. I have one ally, the same one I’ve had my entire life and thank the universe for her and her daughter, otherwise, I would be completely lost. I suppose we all need at least one person we can count one, I’ve had one my entire life, and honestly, I don’t know what would become of me without her.
I suppose the message of this post is: Take care of yourself, find one person you can rely on and don’t isolate. If you need help, let someone know. I love you and care about you. I’m here if you need me.
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