Zee✿

●𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱●

[graceinmypain]

Shame

And once again, the shame creeps in.

Of biting off more than I can chew and so, I end up choking on it. Coughing up blood and clawing at my throat just so I can breathe. But my fate has a grip stronger than iron and, once again, I am ashamed of what I am.

A lonely, pathetic creature, performing for hours just so someone, anyone, looks at me. Just so I feel more like a human and less like a nuisance. I give, and I give, and I give until my hands shake from handing out parts of my skin.

Terribly ashamed, I still beg, I still perform, I still smile. Because who am I if not lonely at my core?

- sneha

[saltair-and-webweaves]

If I could leave I would have already left

shilo niziolek in the broad river reveiw/lorine niedecker/unknown/ @sentientsky/paul revere - noah kahan

[graceinmypain]

Grudges

I hold grudges like a hand, with warmth and affection, like holding a lover's hand. I cling to it as if it's hope. But what hope is there for the hopeless?

I hold grudges close to my heart, folded neatly in the crevices. I place them in folders and scroll through them like TV channels.

I hold grudges like a starving man clings to a morsel of food. Like it's the only comfort I've ever known.

I hold grudges because it's safe to hold onto them rather than people. They are signs written in neon red, screaming in bold letters, "see, this is exactly how it's supposed to be."

I hold grudges because maybe I like the bitter reminder of grief and sadness. Or maybe because I want to cling to the rage for one more moment.

I hold grudges because they hold me captive. Grab me by my throat, and won't let go.

I hold grudges but maybe I wish I won't.

-sneha

[graceinmypain]

Maybe this is it

Maybe this is it. This is where we part. Where we bury our love and start fresh. Where we celebrate all that was and grieve for what it could have been. Maybe this is it. This is where I'll carve you out of my bones. Piece by piece. Maybe this is it. This is where we leave it. Where we say our goodbyes and never look back. Where we march ahead no matter how hard the clutches of the past pull us behind. Maybe this is it. This is where we leave each other. Where we hide our tears behind our smiles and we say our last declaration of love. Where nostalgia creeps in so that when we look back some ten, twenty, thirty years later, we can say "I was in love and it was great". Maybe this is it. This is all we get. All the time and all the love we can get our hands on. Maybe this is it.

- sneha

[graceinmypain]

And sometimes, it's enough.

To lay in your arms and call you mine, even if it is in the dead of the night. To kiss your lips when nobody is watching and to relish in the sweetness of you. To caress your body when we are alone in bed, tangled up in each other. To have your touch even though it's faltering. To get lost in your eyes in ways only lovers do. To love you as much as I do, in all the ways I want, even if nobody knows. To hold you close to my heart and breathe in your scent. To know that our time is running out but still kissing you again. Sometimes, it's enough.

-sneha

[graceinmypain]

I want to feel angry

I should be angry, raging through the streets of your life but I'm not. I should be burning with fire, my whole body ignited in the primal emotion. My veins should bleed venom and drown you in it.

But alas!

All I feel is the slow poison of grief. Of wanting and aching and longing. For you. In ways I know I could never have you. In ways I know I should not crave you. Ice coats my veins instead, numbing them. Freezing my summers into cold dreary winters of not being enough for you. Of always being almost. Of not being whole but trying to, digging through my bones, carving them out to become something more.

I want to be angry but all I feel is sad.

-sneha

[graceinmypain]

All in good time

And I'll shed your touch from my skin soon, like a snake shedding her skin. I will burn into ashes and I'll rise again like a Phoenix. I will remove every crevice of my heart occupied by you. I will finally be clean of your dirty love, your sweet lies and your empty promises. Soon, I will find myself again and soon, I will discard you like rotten fruit. All in good time, my beloved.

-sneha

[graceinmypain]

Borrowed Time

You look at me with adoration and I let go of my insecurities. You smile at me so sweetly and I forgo my anger. You touch me and I forget how to breath. You kiss me and I have to remind myself that this is not permanent. You love me so deeply and so much, I sometimes forget that you're not mine.

You love me so deeply I forget that we're on borrowed time.

-sneha

[graceinmypain]

This love

And so I fell in love, I cracked open my heart and let you in. I broke down my walls and let you creep into my deepest corners. I tried and I loved and in the end, I got hurt.

Isn't this what was always going to happen? Wasn't this our supposed end? Weren't we doomed from the start? Didn't we try to rewrite the stars and fail?

So, tell me how many times will I let you ruin me? Let you trample on my heart and my spirit and still love you with my broken parts? Tell me for how long will I keep on coming back into your arms?

This love is going to be the end of me and I will die smiling.

-sneha

[graceinmypain]

Good luck, babe

In five years from now when you're lying in the arms of your lover, I'll cross your mind like a train about to be wrecked. You'll look into his eyes and see mine staring right into yours. You'll hold his hand and you'll be happy. But you'll crave the softness of my grasp and the touch of my thumb over your knuckles. When you tell him you love him, you'll know that I loved you first and in a way that left a mark on your heart. I'd pray to God that there remains a hole shaped like me engraved into your mind forever.

Five years from now, when we will be strangers again, just remember that no man can ever touch you like I did. No man will ever come close to the love I gave you.

-sneha

[hopelessvalentines]

“i promise i am just as sick and tired of it as you are”

[hopelessvalentines]

@cowboyvamplikeme @oldgodssuggestion

[graceinmypain]

When wise men say something, you listen to them.

When violent men do something, you listen to them.

When quiet men give you something, you listen to them.

When mad men ramble on and on, you listen to them.

When sad men tell their sorrow, you listen to them.

When good men smile at you, you listen to them.

Whenever men rustle, you stick your ears up as far as you can and you listen to them.

It's the only way you can keep yourself safe.

Just listen to them.

- sneha

[wishing-for-deathx]

There I was again, falling, falling so hard and not even realizing it. And there you were, realizing that you didn’t want me. Oh how it hurts to be back on the floor struggling to breathe. That sinking feeling in my chest, bloodshot eyes, the panic attacks, the self hatred. The never ending reminder of just not being good enough for anyone. How did I let myself believe it would be any different this time ?

I’m not made to be loved.

[wishing-for-deathx]

Rejection. It’s all I’ve ever faced my life. From lovers, from family, from friends, from opportunities to success. I kept going. Kept thinking maybe it just wasn’t right. But I’ve reached that threshold where my fragile heart can’t take it anymore. Each time I get rejected now, it’s like some squeezing my heart and shattering it into uncountable pieces. It makes me feel small, worthless. Like every cell of me was created to be hated. To be looked at with resentment and disgust. Who could love you, my brain says. Look at you, you sorry being. So peculiar. So unlovable but so desperate for love. Wish I’d realize the only solution is to be alone. It’ll be lonely, it’ll hurt but I promise you it won’t burn like when you are rejected. If only I could kill that tiny ray of hope and give up. It would save my life.

[vroomvroomwee-deactivated202508]

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

[lostdeepindarkthoughts]