Pairing: Joel Miller x f!Reader, Joel Miller/platonic!f!Reader(but maybe more?), past Joel Miller x Tess
Word Count: 5.6K
Rating: 18+ Nothing explicit, but very mature themes
Warnings: Heavy angst, talks, thoughts, and attempts of suicide, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, lots of emotions, mood swings, drinking….
Summary: Joel and Tess meet you on their journey West to find Tommy. After letting you tag along and eventually finding him, you all get the chance to settle in Jackson. Joel struggles with depression; even more so after Tess is killed in an altercation with Raiders. Things take a turn in more ways than one when Maria goes into labor, prompting an already emotionally unstable Joel to leave in a rush.
A/N: The original came at me so hard and fast that by the ending I was a complete wreck, AND it was completely different than I had initially intended. So, this is an alternate ending that more closely resembles what I had in mind to start with. I’ve included the entire story up until the point where the changes were made. This way each piece can be read as a standalone as opposed to flipping back and forth.
Not beta read, so all mistakes are mine.
Original | Main Masterlist
You had thought you were making progress with him. Getting him out of the house to have dinner around everyone again had been a triumph in and of itself, but that night he really didn’t want to. Halfway begged you not to make him leave, but you knew he couldn’t go on living isolated away from everyone.
You promised him. You promised him that he would be fine. All he had to do was eat dinner, and you would bring him home. Easy enough right?
But when Maria walked in, you saw him practically shut down. The impending birth of Tommy’s child, always a constant reminder of the loss of his own… You had hoped he would just finish eating and you could leave, taking him home to let him get some sleep.
After finishing your plate, Joel had hardly even touched his, but you look to see if he’s ready and he gives you a stiff nod. But, before you get a chance to leave, there’s an ugly scream of intense pain and Joel is drained of all color. Maria’s labor starts and she is breathing harsh and quick, little gasps to help stave off the pain, but all Joel can hear is Sarah…. His hands start to rattle as his head moves from side to side. When everyone rushes over to Maria, yourself included, Joel doesn’t move. You look back at him, and see him clearly struggling to keep it together….
Sarah had died in his arms. Even Tess. She had died in his arms, only after a group of raiders jumped their patrol group a few months after arriving in Jackson. Tess had gotten a shot off, but she had already been hit. Joel didn’t get to say goodbye as she never regained consciousness after falling off her horse. Joel had picked her up, tried to stop the bleeding. Feeling for her pulse until it eventually dwindled to nothing, and she was gone.
No, he couldn’t handle anyone else dying in his arms… so you made sure Tommy had everything covered, helped walk him and Maria out, but when you went back for Joel he was already gone.
–
-
Finding him at this particular cabin wasn't a shock to you. Although he said he would never go back here after Tess, he would disappear randomly for a few hours, sometimes overnight, looking haggard and rough when he came back and you just knew. He never told anyone else about the place. It was his own private escape. To try to grieve his losses in solitude. Where he could let out whatever demons ravaged his mind, and you left it alone, hoping he would eventually benefit from it in some way.
You think the reality instead was that the almost constant isolation fostered his depression. Allowing him to further distance himself from the rest of you.
You tried. You had really tried with him. He would begrudgingly accept your help. Your kind disposition would even get a smile out of him sometimes. You would cook for him, help him get cleaned up, help him around his home and just try to visit with him. When he refused to talk, you would do the talking and he would just listen. Or you hoped he had.
You would sleep on his couch when the nights would get really bad. He would mix the booze with whatever pills he could find to make himself forget, if even for a moment. You would wake up to his nightmares. His calls, always to Sarah. “Please baby girl, Please. Please, we gotta get you up. Sarah! Sarah!”-- and you would slowly put a hand to his shoulder. Applying pressure as you sat next to him. Peacefully trying to pull him from the memories that plagued him. His bloodshot eyes filled with tears, would always look to you, he would grab onto your arm and you would pull his head into your lap. Stroking through his messy curls until a less fitful sleep would find him.
You would eventually pull yourself from his grip and go back to the couch, content to rest there until it started all over again.
When he was sober, which wasn’t often, he was restless. Body shaking in withdrawal, until he could get even a sip to help calm his frayed nerve endings. The end of the world had taken so much from so many. And Joel was no exception.
–
But this time he doesn’t come back, even the next morning. You felt in your bones that this time was different and that he needed someone if it wasn’t already too late. So, you eventually decide to just go and saddle up your horse to find him yourself.
And find him you do….. in the one place that he and Tess had found and shown you about a week before Tess was killed.
It was secluded and well hidden. Only having found it on patrol one day when they decided to venture further than their usual patrol route. Things had been sparse then threat wise. Lucky for the community as a whole, no raiders or clickers, but the boredom of those patrols made for long and tedious days. After finding this little gem, Tess and Joel had shown it to you and planned to take it up with Tommy and try to make it a patrol stop, to rest and regroup as it was quite a bit further out than the current route.
But before they had a chance to bring it to Tommy, Tess had died and Joel refused to go back, or so he claimed. It was never brought up as a possible patrol stop again.
–
You find him early in the afternoon…. Passed out drunk on the broken couch in the living area, but he was breathing so you felt relief at that, at the very least.
You waited until he finally woke up on his own, a couple hours later. You doubt he’d eaten and sadly, you think that his intention had been to just drink himself to death out here.
When he finally wakes, he’s crying. Inconsolable. You hold him….. he keeps repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry……” over and over again. To who? You don’t know. To you? No…. To Tess? To Sarah? You didn’t know much about his little girl, but you didn’t need to know the details to understand the weight of that kind of loss. On the flip side, having been around Tess and Joel together for a few months beforehand, you had understood the gist of what Tess had been to him–
–She was familiar, and she was warm. She kept him steady, level headed, and with a somewhat clear path in mind. And without her, he had been lost. Without Tommy or Tess he had no real direction. Tommy was there, but not in the way Joel needed. Tommy had made his own life out here and Joel knew he couldn’t interfere, but it left him feeling alone.
–Now, His stare was blank and he wouldn’t look at you for a long time. When he finally comes around again, at the very least to acknowledge your presence, he tells you he feels like shit, that he was hungry and thirsty so you feed him what little you had brought along.
After a bit, he seems better. There’s a little color back in his cheeks and he was even asking about Tommy and Maria now, even asking about the baby…. You had left to find him before the baby had even been born, but you assured him that everything was going to be fine.
You felt relieved that he seemed to be doing ok, all things considered.
And when you offered to take him back, he, albeit reluctantly, agreed. He tells you to go ahead and pack up, that he just needed to grab a few things. He had already dressed and put his boots on, so you go ahead and go outside to situate the horses.
A few minutes go by and Joel has yet to come outside. Fitting the last of the supplies in your sack, you pull the straps tight, securing everything to your horse. You start making your way back to the cabin when you hear a gunshot ring out that spooks the horses with its proximity and your heart drops. Almost instantly you take off…. Running inside, taking the steps two at a time... he's not inside. Running out back, you yell for him. “JOELLLL JOEELLLL!!!!”
Where the fuck did he go? What the fuck did he do? “Joel! JOEL!!!!!!”
Slightly off from the back porch, you follow a tiny path that leads into the woods… god he couldn’t have gone far….. it had only felt like maybe five minutes tops since you had gone outside, leaving Joel in the cabin.
Looking left and right as you go along, you’re panicking. Thinking the absolute worst, until finally you stop.
Your feet refuse to move you forward, your heart is in your throat as you choke on a sob.
You find him sitting underneath a tree, his back to you against the trunk.
All you can see from where you stand is his slumped form leaning off to the side. Tess’s gun in his hand, his arm laying slack against the ground….
You’re crying now, you know you’re shouting “JOEL JOEL OH MY GOD!”…but you can’t hear anything past the high pitched ringing in your ears. “Joel…?? Joel, What did you do? …please God, please… no no, no, no, no…..” Pulse pounding, you take a step closer, then another, and another. Until you’re finally close enough that you can touch his hand with your booted foot. You turn and squat down, unable to look at anything but the ground below your feet. You tentatively take the gun from his hand as it sits loosely in his barely there grip. Tossing it to the side without a glance. Your hand moves up his arm, resting your fingers delicately against his chest, lightly touching his coat… you’re not sure you have it in you to do this. You can’t look at his face. Worried, knowing what you’ll see there. The tears cascading down your cheeks fall onto his coat, the heavy drops darken the brown suede as your fingers now grip the material so tightly, your knuckles turn white.
This isn’t happening. This can’t be fucking happening. Why? Why would he do this? To Tommy? To you?
You lean down to put your head against his chest. Breathing him in. He still smells the same despite the alcohol. You’d never really paid it any mind before, but you can’t fathom never smelling him again. Never being near him again. In the months, almost a year now that you’ve known him, he’d become a safety net for you. But after Tess, he never recovered. That loss, on top of what you had only slightly learned about his daughter, Sarah, and the aftermath of that loss….. It ultimately became too much for him.
—
After meeting Joel and Tess back in KC, they allowed you to tag along, for what reason you will never know. It took a little time, but Tess warmed to you the quickest. You were helpful, pulled your weight and you were kind. Joel eventually thawed. His cold grumpy demeanor never exactly went away, but he acknowledged you, and when things settled down after finding Tommy in Jackson, he even included you in planning new patrol routes. He hassled you over stupid things sometimes. Those were your favorite moments. When it seemed like he was coming out of his shell. They never lasted long, those moments. Always fleeting glimpses of a Joel that had been buried beneath his grief and anger.
You felt at the very least, accepted by the odd pair. What they were to each other wasn’t normal by any means, but after everything? What the fuck was normal anyway? It was enough for them, so it was enough for you.
After Tess, Joel tried to push you away. He was an asshole, rude, and downright mean sometimes. But, ever the persistent one, you pressed on. Not letting him shut you out completely. It just never seemed to be enough. You had hoped that he could go on to feel some semblance of peace, even after everything. Lord knows, in spite of what he felt were the horrible things he had to do to survive, what he had to do to keep Tommy safe, Tess safe, you safe… He was a good man underneath and he deserved peace.
—
Time slowed down for you… what felt like minutes had really only been a matter of seconds, and your thoughts are quickly interrupted when you feel, more so than hear the strong and rapid beating of Joel’s heart against your ear. Each beat pounding wildly against his rib cage.
What?
You had been too scared to even look at his face. When you heard the shot, you thought… you just knew.
Now though, you angle your gaze up to him, finally looking at his face. Before, you couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him that way, whether it be with eyes closed, forever asleep or open with a lifeless gaze that would surely haunt you for the rest of your life. But when you look up his eyes are open, red rimmed, and tear filled…. He’s crying.
“Oh my God, Joel?…” You say it on a whisper. Desperately trying not to spook him.
A little more firmly you press, “JOEL.” He’s far away, but he’s ALIVE. He’s fucking alive.
“I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry…..I.. I, I couldn’t…..”
“Shhhhh… Joel it’s ok….. shhhhh…”
“I just wanted it t’ stop. I couldn’t .. fucking DO IT anymore… so I…. I jus’ wanted to… fuck…I tried. I fucking TRIED. I was ready. I couldn’t have been more ready…. This time, even more than before…….”
“Joel…… please.” You don’t even know what you’re asking.
He gives a self deprecating huff…. “Didn’t flinch this time. Had my lips wrapped around the barrell so that it woulda stuck—”
Your hand is on his chest, rubbing reassuringly, not sure what to do, but just listen. He was talking. It was enough for now.
“—But I jus’ couldn't. Don’t know why.”
You’re grateful. So goddamn grateful for whatever stopped him. You were worried. He stopped himself this time, but would he be capable the next?
You couldn’t think about that right now, just needing to get him up, get him HOME.
“Joel…. Can you walk? We can go back inside.” He looks to you, gaze becoming focused on your face. He nods. “We can talk, yeah?”
You help him up, and he walks with you on wobbly legs. You support most of his weight, but you’d happily drag him all the way if you had to. You also had the mind to grab the gun off of the ground and tuck it away safely before walking toward the cabin.
—
“Joel.”
“Hm?” He looks up quickly, like he was somewhere else.
“Talk to me.” You didn’t want to push him, and if he didn’t want to talk about it yet, then that was ok, but you had to try.
“There’s no story.”
“Alright.”
“I’m tired. ‘F all of it. Tired of waking up in a panic cause I don’t know where I am. Tired of feeling like my heart’s stopped when somethin even reminds me of her. I’m just… m’ tired.” His head is in his hands, fingers gripping tightly at his mess of curls.
“Joel.” His head is still in his hands, but he’s looking at you now. Giving you his full attention.
“I’m not gonna spout off platitudes and offer my condolences. It’s just the fucking world we live in. And no one knows what you’re going through, but YOU. You know I care about you and I hate seeing you tear yourself apart.”
“Alright…” You’re not sure what kind of response you were going for, but he at least seems like he’s paying attention, so you continue.
“Would you… Do you want to talk about them? About Tess? About… Sarah?” Your voice is small on the last word and he’s shaking his head before you finish.
“Why would I want….” —You hold up a hand to stop him.
“JOEL. I’m not going to sugarcoat this ok? I don’t think you’d want me to anyway, but you KNOW I care.” You give him a second to hear you.
“Nothing is going to bring them back, Joel. All we can do, HERE, is to live in whatever way we can. And God willing, when we leave this world, and NOT by our own hand, we’ll get to reunite with the ones we’ve lost.”
He’s still listening, or he hasn’t dropped his focus at least. You hope he hears you.
“But for now, you can keep them alive by letting yourself remember them. Talk about them Joel. Talk about them often. They were real people. People who lived and breathed just as we do now. People you cared about... Don’t just… hide them away up here,” you put your index to your temple.
You can see the tears streaking down his face. He hasn’t said anything and hasn’t made a move to get away from you, so you scoot a little closer to him on the dusty couch.
-
You and Joel have never been affectionate with each other, withdrawn as he is. The most you could honestly say was in those moments at his home, when you would run your fingers through his hair trying to bring him out of whatever nightmare that sleep would bring upon him. Hell, he and Tess were sleeping together, but rarely made physical contact around others.
You didn’t want to scare him, but you could see he was struggling with it all. You decide to risk the awkwardness and tentatively bring your hand to his back.
Lightly brushing your fingers against the worn flannel, checking first to see that he didn’t immediately recoil away from you. You apply a slight amount of pressure and flatten your hand, rubbing side to side between his shoulder blades.
He doesn’t recoil, in fact he practically melts into it.
“You uh, some kinda shrink in another life?” He says it almost under his breath, but you hear him.
“Something like that. I was actually studying psychology. Had hoped to one day be a therapist. But then the outbreak happened and I never got to finish school. I learned a lot though.”
“Hm.” He grunts in acknowledgment.
You take a minute and you both just sit there. Your hand is still between his shoulders, a grounding presence.
You also didn’t mind the closeness.
After a bit, Joel sighs, “Well, we got a little bit of daylight left. ‘F we leave now, we should get back by supper.”
“Sure you’re ready to head back?”
“Yeah, I think so. ‘M hungry, I know that, and I definitely could use a shower and a real bed.”
“Fair enough. Alright, well let’s get going then.”
He nods, and gestures ‘after you’ but yeah, no.
“Not a chance. I’m not letting you outta my sight.”
“Guess I deserve that…. Sorry.” He hangs his head and his demeanor is forlorn all of a sudden.
The emotional rollercoaster Joel is going through is more than expected. You knew he was going to be going through it for a while. Seemingly going from sad to happy, depressed to angry, and vice versa at random times.
You’re actually surprised with how well he’s doing even now. So shortly after attempting to take his own life, he’s almost like himself again, or the version of him you already knew.
It makes you wonder briefly, then makes you unbelievably sad at the realization that Joel had probably been living with this the entire time. Always in a constant state of horrible depression, but his basic instinct for survival would inevitably take over, what with the end of the world and all. And then the cycle would repeat.
But being in Jackson meant he didn’t need to fight to survive for the most part anymore. It allowed the demons to swim unhindered and it swallowed him whole.
He’s looking at you now, a question on his face, “Are you ready?” Well now there’s an actual question..
You snap out of it and respond, “yeah, sorry. Just thinkin.”
You both move to stand up, but you get there first. Offering your hand to help him up. He takes it and you hear him grunt in pain, the last couple of days having taken their toll physically as well as mentally, for the both of you.
He doesn’t drop your hand immediately and you decide then to try something.. why the hell not right?
Rather than pulling away, you go in to hug him. You wrap your arms around his waist and rest your head on his chest. He’s hesitant at first, but eventually you feel his arms come around you as well, and he buries his nose in your hair.
You think that after the day you’ve both had, that he could use the comfort. You didn’t realize how much you needed one yourself and you both just stay that way. The air isn’t charged, there’s no electricity, no spine tingling sense of something more… just warmth. Comfort. Safety. Something that is a rarity in this world, you’re happy to offer it to him and even more so to accept when he willingly gives it back to you.
-
You ride back to Jackson, Joel in front of you at all times. It’s quiet, not needing to say anything to break the silence.
When you get back, you head straight to Joel’s house and start making you both something to eat.
When it’s getting late, Joel lets you help him to his room. He decides to take a shower, so you use that time to check for things that he could possibly use, should he feel the need to hurt himself again. you’re shocked by the sheer amount of what you find. The man was practically housing an arsenal in his bedroom.
You’re sitting on the bed, carefully storing everything in an empty box you had found, for safekeeping.
“‘M not planning anything if you’re wondering.” You jump, slightly startled as you thought he was still in the shower.
“Sorry darlin, didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No, it's ok! I was just uh,” you gesture to the excessive amount of weapons you had found. “Well…. you can’t blame me for worrying.”
“Fair enough.”
“I’m just going to take some blankets and sleep on the couch. All things considered, I don’t think you should be by yourself, but I’ll give you some privacy.” He nods, taking a small step forward, then stands back…
“Would you, um, will you stay?”
“In here?” You gesture to the rest of the room as you’re currently sitting on his bed.
“Yeah, if that’s alright? Would jus’ feel better knowin’ someone’s here with me..”
“Of course.” You smile up at him and he seems to take a breath in relief.
“Thank you. It, uh, won’t be weird?”
“No,” you chuckle. “We’re both adults Joel. It’ll be fine.”
“Ok.”
“Ok.” Well now it’s a little awkward.
“Let me just put these up and we can get some sleep.”
“Alright.” He seems shy, but you admire his willingness to ask you to stay. Again, he surprises you with how well he seems to be doing. You take it as a little win. Baby steps, even small, are still steps in the right direction.
When you walk back into the room, Joel is already in the bed. He’s on his side, facing away from you, but turns to lay on his back once he hears you come in.
Even though you assured him that it wouldn’t be weird, you were still nervous. Joel was your friend, he was hurting, and you wanted to be here for him. But, it had been a long time since you’d been that close to someone else. You’d never really thought about Joel in any particular way before. Sure he’s attractive as all hell. It actually annoyed you how the women in town would fawn over his looks, yet immediately complain about how grumpy he was.
They didn’t know him, didn’t CARE to know him. Your time with him and Tess was initially due to pure survival, but upon arriving in Jackson, they let you hang around. You almost felt like Tess’s kid sister. Annoying her and her boyfriend, but he was always nice to you in spite of it.
But then after Tess, he crawled further inside himself and you just tried to be there for him. Like you are now.
You were nervous, but you were happy to do this for Joel. He’s saved your life on more than one occasion, so you could deal with a little anxiety by laying next to him if it meant he felt even the slightest bit more at ease.
—
You make your way over and sit down on the bed, slowly pulling back the blanket and slipping underneath the covers. You lay flat on your back as well, just staring blankly up at the ceiling. Not uncomfortable per say, just your racing thoughts and the nervousness associated with being this close to someone in a somewhat intimate setting.
“This ok?” Joel questions… you’re sure he can sense your anxiousness, so when he moves to lay on his side, facing you this time, he does it very slowly.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” You turn toward him. He’s got his head resting in one hand, supported by his elbow propped on top of his pillow.
It’s just Joel, you remind yourself. Allowing yourself a moment to glance over his features that you’d never taken the time to really look at before. He doesn’t say anything, and you can’t help yourself but to break the quiet bubble you’d found yourselves in…
“Are you um.. Do you, snore?” Sure, ease the tension with a possible insult. Great thinking.
That pulls a laugh from him. “Unfortunately I do, sweetheart. If it gets to be too much, just put a pillow over my face and save yourself the misery.”
The joke falls flat.
It wasn’t funny and your stone faced expression has him backing it up quickly…. “Uh, shit sorry, bad timing… What I mean to say is if my snoring keeps you awake, feel free to just smack me with the pillow instead.”
“Very funny….. smack a sleeping bear and hope to walk away from it? I’ll take my chances with the snoring.”
“I wouldn’t hurt you darlin.” The little pet names, darlin’, sweetheart etc, make you blush every time. You’re grateful for the low light of the lamp, hoping it hides the majority that isn’t already covered by the blanket at this point. You’ve nervously pulled it up to just below your chin.
“I know, I’m just teasing. But I still don’t think it’d be a good idea to startle you awake if I can help it. I’ll be fine. Let’s just try to get some sleep.”
“Alright..”
Joel turns off the lamp on his nightstand, shrouding the room in a quiet darkness. The moon casts a light glow so you can still make out his form in the bed. He’s laying flat on his back again, his hands resting on his abdomen over the comforter.
Is he nervous? Surely, not?
You couldn’t fathom what would make a person like Joel nervous. He’s strong, and he doesn’t take shit from anyone. But then you remind yourself how this day started and you honestly don't know what to think. He just seems like normal Joel to you. Same as he ever was, but a little shy in comparison.
It’s only maybe a few minutes before Joel stirs…. “I can feel you starin’.”
“Hmm?” You feign ignorance at being caught.
“‘M fine. You don’t gotta worry ‘bout me doin’ anything stupid.”
“I wasn’t…—” You weren’t what? You had been staring, but..
You sigh.
“It’s a big deal Joel. It’s not something to take lightly. You almost—” but he cuts you off….
“Just stop. Alright?”
The sudden shift in his mood takes you aback, but you were expecting this, remember?
“Ok. Alright, I’m sorry.” You keep your voice quiet and even. “I really wasn’t trying to stare. Just thinking I guess.”
“About?”
“A lot of things.” Joel doesn’t say anything back. Just responds with a grunt.
—
You had already turned away and had been staring at the shadows on the ceiling again for some time. You tried to get your mind to shut off, but it was useless. You were wide awake and were in for a long night, if this was any indication.
You think Joel must have fallen asleep by now surely? But the lack of snoring told you otherwise.
And then out of nowhere, “Can I ask you somethin?” His words are quiet, but you still jump slightly at the break in silence.
“Yeah.” You try to make yourself sound more tired than you really were, although him asking you a question in general means he probably already knew you weren’t asleep to begin with.
He takes a moment before speaking again. A few slow deep breaths in and out.
“What’s it like?”
You don’t understand the question. You give him a minute to continue, but when he doesn’t you lean over, propping your head against your hand so you can look at him in the moonlight filtering in through the makeshift curtains.
“What’s what like Joel?”
He doesn’t move his body, but he turns his head to look at you. His eyes meet yours and the pain you see there makes your heart clench. His eyes were red-rimmed, with unshed tears making them glisten.
“Joel….” You lean over and instinctually pull his opposite shoulder toward you. Bringing his now trembling form to your chest, where you whisper soothing sounds into his unruly curls, your hand once again finding a place between his shoulder blades. He brings his arm over and wraps it around your waist with his face buried in your neck. There’s no words needed. You think after the day you’ve both had, just feeling the warmth of someone else, someone you trust, is enough right now.
You stay like that, practically entwined together until you both eventually pass out due to pure exhaustion.
-
You wake up with the sun's rays coming through the window. You remember everything about the last 24 hours and with it the panic of where’s Joel? until you realize there’s a not entirely unpleasant weight pressing down on your chest, keeping you in place when you initially try to sit up.
If the weight wasn’t telling enough, the groan of displeasure at having been moved reminds you that it’s Joel. You’re in his bed. His head on your chest. The palm of his hand is sitting wide on your stomach, over your shirt, but you can feel his skin where the fabric has bunched up. He’s also got a leg thrown over your own and instead of feeling uncomfortable with the closeness, you feel safe. Completely content within his embrace that you think about closing your eyes again, just a few more minutes…..
But then the reality set in and you remember why you’re here. Your panic at trying to find him. His eyes. God, those eyes will haunt you forever you think. You have never before seen that kind of despair coming from someone. That hurt… It will live with you for the rest of your life, you’re sure of it. You pray that you never see it again, but if it hurt you that much to simply lay witness to it, you can only imagine what it would be like to live with that inside of you.
What happened yesterday was traumatic to say the least. But then again, everyone has had trauma. It’s the way the world works now. Everyone has a story. Everyone has lost someone in this new world where pain and suffering are the norm.
Except, it didn’t have to be that way. At least not completely. Jackson afforded you the kind of safety that was from back before. Before the world ended. Before survival was all anyone knew. After talking with Joel, you realized that the lack of constant survival is what led to his downward spiral. Which in turn led to him trying to make it all stop once and for all.
You still don’t know what stopped him this time. He had told you about his first attempt…. the day after the outbreak. You had been fortunate enough to never know that level of pain firsthand. You’d seen it, sure. But you never had anyone close enough to you for the impact to be world shattering. Those closest to you were already gone before the outbreak even happened, so to hear Joel’s story, from this man so hardened by life in general, knowing that every single day was a reminder of what he lost, you’re not surprised when your arms decided to wind around him. Deeping the embrace between the two of you.
You hear a grunt against your chest, and then a hum. You’re not sure if he’s awake now, but you weren’t about to make him move. So instead you snuggle in close, finally letting your eyes fall closed. Joel’s weight against your chest like a blanket. Warm and secure and you think,
One day at a time
You just had to let him take it day by day while he tries to learn how to live with his demons, but you would at least make sure he wouldn’t be alone. Whether it be just as a friend, someone to confide in, and someone to keep him from falling off the edge. Or, you find yourself wondering suddenly, the idea setting a warmth in the pit of your stomach….. maybe something more.
You’re not sure what the future holds. For either of you. But right now, feeling him against you, feeling his slow and steady breaths against the skin of your neck, you feel like there’s hope that maybe everything will be ok.
Usually, when we talk about the most heartbreaking part of Fleabag finale, we talk about this:
It is incredibly heartbreaking. But we all knew it was coming. And so did Fleabag. Which is why, even with the massive heartbreak, she accepts his decision. She knew he loved God, and no one will come in between that. She knew they could never be together. She had known that from the start. She neither expected nor hoped to be in a relationship. She just wanted to let him know, that she loved him. She wanted to let him know that he was loved. By her. No conditions. No matter what. Which is what makes this scene so heartbreaking.
But I think the most heartbreaking part comes right after:
These four words are enough to break her apart. Fleabag had spent most of her adult life thinking that she was unlovable. And then there comes this man, whom she loved, despite her heartbreak, telling her that he loves her back. Something she almost never hears. And this too is coming from a man, for whom admitting that he loved someone, like romantically loved someone, was a big deal.
And at this point, everything that they have been through, just becomes infinitely more profound. This is the moment, we, the audience and Fleabag, realize, that she was loved. By the man who finds her in moments where she loses herself. By someone who made her feel infinitely better about herself. By the man who made her see life in a brand-new way, who made her see herself with more love. The full realization hits, and that is what makes her (and me) breakdown. She isn't sad because it didn't happen. She mourns, because it did happen. She was loved.
(I don't know if any of this even makes sense)
BONUS:
The Hot Priest will never know that she saw The Fox, and immediately knew it was for him. He will never know, that the woman he loved saw something that apparently only he could see, and KNEW it was for him.
Summary: Set in a fictional New England town, you fall for your handsome, intense and outdoorsy neighbor while renting out your parent's vacant summer home during a brutal winter.
Chapter Warnings: ANGST. Smut. POV-Switching. Rated Explicit. 18+ MDNI. See series masterlist for complete warnings.
A/N: This one is gonna hurt. I’m so sorry.
You get ready for bed and eye the flannel that you stole from Joel’s house. You hold it close to your chest and breathe in his scent that still lingers.
You strip down to nothing but your lacy panties and don his shirt. You precariously drape it off your shoulders and look at yourself in the mirror.
Joel would love this.
Your hair is still damp and messy from your shower but you look clean and bright. The I’m positively smitten glow you have makes you radiate.
You position yourself on your bed perched on your knees with your legs spread open. You adjust the shirt just right to hang over your shoulders and around your breasts, just barely covering your nipples.
With your phone positioned slightly above you, you snap a pic while making your most innocent face. Your full body is in the frame and perfectly teasing with your frumpy shirt placement. Your sluttiest black, lacey panties also help to conceal just enough to be a tease.
You: Getting ready for bed
You attach the photo and send it. You sit back on your heels and eagerly watch for the read receipt. He is quick to reply.
Joel: Goddamn
Joel: Beautiful
A brief pause.
Typing. Typing. Typing.
Joel: Got any more?
Your heart skips a beat. You absolutely want to give him more.
You: Maybe
You sit back and let the flannel shirt drape open, fully exposing your breasts and your hardened nipples. You sit more upright, and grab a fistfull of your hair and gaze up to the camera, looking a little deranged and lustful. You eye your photo before sending it, impressed with yourself.
Sent.
Joel: Fuck
Joel: Look at them tits
You smirk as you imagine him losing his mind and hope he is as horny as you are. You feel your heat begin to surge inside. You feel so needy for his cock.
You: Your turn
You weren’t too sure what to expect or if he would even play along but after a minute you got your answer.
The photo he sends is so poorly taken, it is endearing when you get over the disappointment of not having his dick perfectly photographed. It’s dark and grainy. You can just make out the navy blue sheets under his skin to deduce he is in his bed too. His black t-shirt is pulled up just slightly and his hand is what's mostly in focus, holding onto his cock that is peeking out of his flannel pajama pants. He is pulling his foreskin down tight making the head of his cock flush with color against his skin. The shadowiness makes his happy tail look even thicker and more unruly than what you have seen.
Nevertheless, it is undeniably Joel. The flutter you get inside that you only ever felt from him.
You: Joel, how naughty
One more photo, he earned it.
This time, you let the shirt fall off completely to your hips. You slide one of your hands into your panties and hook your thumb over the edge to pull them down. You make a “V” with your fingers and press yourself apart so your swollen clit is in full view. With your free hand you snap one last picture and send it. This one is more focused and does not show your face, but it certainly was an eyeful. You doubt he would even be looking elsewhere.
Your message is instantly read. After a moment Joels typing comes and goes until it stops completely. You wonder if he is touching himself. Hope he is touching himself. You impatiently rub your fingers against yourself while you wait, aching at the thought of him.
Your screen changes to an incoming call from Joel Miller.
Of course you answer it as calmly as you can.
“Hey, Mr. Miller.” You greet him with a flirty tone.
“Mmm what are you doing to me, baby girl.” He speaks low and sounds relaxed and groggy. You wonder if you woke him up when you sent the first pic and kind of hope you did.
“Just getting ready for bed and thinking about you.”
You hear him make a breathy acknowledgement and you know he is stroking himself just by how he is breathing. You feel bolder and more daring talking to him on the phone. You can be a tease and he can’t do anything about it.
You put it on speaker so you can have both your hands free.
“Wishing it was your fingers on me.” You lay back on your bed and slide your fingers over your clit until a moan escapes you. “Or your cock.”
“Mmm. Keep going,” he growls low.
Even on the phone he has to be bossy. His voice cuts straight through you. Always so commanding but spoken with a warmness that makes you melt.
You slide a finger inside your wet and needy cunt and use your other hand to tease your clit.
“Joel…” you rasp his name low as you moan. “How hard are you right now?”
You hear him chuff quietly.
“Bout ready to come, sweetheart.”
His shallow breathing and occasional grunt cheers you on. Your hands are so inadequate compared to his. You need to be filled by him. Want his rough hands putting friction in all the right spots.
You fumble with your nightstand drawer for your dildo. His ears pick up on the creak of the wooden drawer opening and he stops you in your tracks.
“No toys.” His stern voice commands. “I want you to get off with your fingers.”
You can hear his grin on the other end.
“... and beg for my cock.”
That wouldn’t be hard to do. You already are screaming inside for him to put you out of your misery. Your performative moans are now all too real.
“Joel… fuck.” You whine but bring your hand back to your opening and press inside with two of your fingers while you massage your clit.
His authoritative demands empower you. Hearing him breathing, groaning and barking orders at you makes it a lot easier to get yourself to the edge. Despite how tiny your hands are in comparison, your mind fills in all the gaps as his voice penetrates your ears.
“I want you to fill me,” you whine.
“Mmm. Gonna make a mess of me.” He sounds haggard. He has been holding back his own release for sure. The thought of making Joel Miller come undone over the phone is intoxicating.
You moan and your breath hitches as you can feel yourself teetering on the edge. Pleading to release.
“Joel…” You whimper. Begging.
“Come for me, baby.” His commanding tone returns, beckoning you to do as he asks.
“Let me hear you. Come for daddy.”
You gasp at his words. That was never something you thought you were into. It went straight to your pussy. Your walls flutter around your fingers as you replay his words in your head. You do come for him, hard, and let him hear you climaxing over the thoughts of him inside you.
“Mmmm.” He groans low as you ride your climax high and let your desperate sounds tip him over the edge.
His labored breathing and raspy moans pick up and you know he is coming.
He goes silent and You can just imagine him laying in his bed with his cock in his hand, pumping himself until he comes over his knuckles. Spent and sticky.
A moment passes as you both breathe heavily catching your breath. Enjoying the moment with one another and relishing in the aftermath of your shared experience.
“Such a good girl.” He praises. “Now, get some sleep.”
You roll your eyes. As if sleeping was going to come easy at this point.
“Night, sweetheart.”
“Night… daddy.” You smirk to yourself, amused and satisfied, and hang up.
You were pretty shocked to see Joel in your driveway come the next morning. He was scraping ice off your windshield and there was a fresh tossing of salt and sand on your walkway. There was some freezing rain overnight, unbeknownst to you.
“Hey, you really don’t have to do that for me.” You call out as you lock your door and make your way down the path.
“I know.” He scrapes at the last bits of frost. “Still gonna.”
You brighten at the way he says it. Feminism be damned, it felt really good to have this man looking out for you.
You were looking real cute in your Bean boots and beanie. Acting a little more timid compared to your late night activities.
You shoved your hands in your jacket pockets and walked over to your car with a cutesy spring in your step. Joel tried to hide his disdain for your carefree jaunt down the icy path. Still, he looked so handsome in his brown suede coat and his relentless refusal to wear a winter hat. Always wielding that power to make you melt in his presence.
“Thank you.” You smile at him as you approach him at arm's length. “Still not giving you the shirt back,” you tease.
“Don’t want it back.” He holds back a smirk and quickly looks you over. Reliving last night's photos, you can imagine. You suppress a wicked smile imagining him saving them in his main album like a heathen.
He takes a step towards you and with his gloved hand he gently holds your chin and brushes his thumb over. You note the subtle way his eyes soften. His longing stare makes it feel like he isn’t going to see you for a long time, and it lingers. He drops his hand and puts it on his hip. His other hand fidgets with his leg like he is unsure what to do.
“I’m not gonna be around for a little while” He hesitates and looks like he wants to say more and you pickup that something is off. Something he still has decided you are not privy to know about. Whatever has been bothering him the past few days is still weighing on him. “I got some stuff to take care of and I’ll be real busy.”
“Ok, Joel.” You don’t give away that you think he sounds suspicious. Guilty even. You want to press him, but you let it go, again. You open your mouth to speak but he cuts you off.
“I’ll call you, alright?” His voice is firm, there is no room for questions.
“Alright.” You force a smile and he nods and heads to his truck. It was hard not to take that as asking you not to bother him. He wasn’t being unkind in his tone, but he wasn’t being truthful either.
You can’t shake the feeling that something is off.
You are dragging your feet at work. After your late night fun with Joel your mind was wide awake and you had trouble sleeping.
Marlene is extra bubbly today. She is riding the Friday wave and you are grateful she takes on more of the customer facing role while you just work mindlessly making endless orders of lattes and cold brews.
“So, do you wanna?”
“Huh?” she had been talking to you, apparently.
“Do you want to go out tonight?”
“Oh. Yeah, ok.”
“You sound really interested.” She says sarcastically while she stares at you and crosses her arms.
“Sorry, just tired. Yes, I’d love to.”
“Good. Meet at Copper’s around 8? They are doing all night happy hour and open mic.”
“Sounds good.” And it does sound good. Something to do to keep yourself busy and it’s better than going home and watching Netflix by yourself. You have no idea how long Joel is going to be occupied and Marlene is the only other person you would consider a friend since moving there. It would be nice to spend some real time with her outside of work.
“Its not the classiest place, but the crowd is good. Dress slutty and maybe we can get some free drinks.” Marlene jokes, but you have every intention to dress like a knockout and have a good time.
When you walk in it becomes obvious you are overdressed. Many eyes were on you. You stuck out and had a lot of attention, some unwanted, but it also was flattering. Your choice of black minidress was conventionally good for a night of drinking and letting loose, but less practical once you walked through the door and saw what you were working with.
Copper’s was just a few notches above a dive bar and significantly less upscale than the late night Boston clubs and speakeasy’s you frequented. It was mostly crawling with locals, many of which you recognized from Grind. Despite that, the energy felt good. Friendly faces lit up when they saw you and even more cast some not-so-conspicuous stares at your body when they thought you were not looking.
The expansive bar wrapped around the back wall and there was a small stage on the wall across from it. High tops and tables filled out most of the middle with little room to do much more than sit and socialize. Get drunk off beer and cocktails and fat off appetizers and hot wings. The whole place was a little chaotic and rough but it felt cherished. It embodied that small town feel that was brought to life by the patrons.
Marlene walks up to you with some sort of fruity cocktail in each hand. Dressed much more casually than you with a high waisted denim skirt and a low cut band tee.
“About time you get here. Damn, girl!” She looks you up and down as she hands you the drink. “You don’t play around.” You share a laugh, and relish your new, unexpected friendship.
The cocktail is overkill on the sweetness but the vodka hits you hard when you take a sip.
“You didn’t tell me this place was a dive!” You tease.
“Well it’s the only bar we have open year-round so don’t knock it.” She pretends to scold you.
“I’m joking. This is perfect.” And it was.
You and Marlene make quick work of your drinks as you float around the bar. She introduces you to new people and you get friendlier with familiar faces. The bartender flirts with you when he learns you are new to town and you indulge in some harmless fun.
The bar is quickly filling up and you think it must be a fire code violation at this point. You buy the second round of drinks and take a seat while you still can. Laughter and the high from your buzz set you on the right path and you are filled with gratitude for your new friendships and your new home.
[Joel POV]
Joel fiddles with his empty beer bottle, unsure what the hell he is doing. Tess should be arriving any moment now, and he is no closer to ending things with her.
He has his guitar in tow, stowed against the wall. He perches himself in the very last seat, enjoying some solitude while the bar slowly starts to fill in.
He raises two fingers at the bartender and signals that he is ready for another beer. The bartender returns a moment later with a fresh Budweiser.
“There he is!”
Joel spins on his bar stool to the familiar voice.
“Hey Frank. Bill.” He nods to them as Frank slaps his back enthusiastically and sits down next to him.
“Been a while. Tess coming too?”
“S’posed to.” Joel takes a swig of his beer and doesn't give them much of an opportunity to ask more.
Bill sits silently on the other side of Frank, orders two beers and slides one to Frank. He never was one to talk much compared to his counterpart.
“Well, we have missed you. It has been at least a month since we have seen you.” Frank turns to Bill, urging him to converse a little. They were all old friends, but Tess was the one that tended to be the glue between them.
Bill nods in agreement. “Ain’t like it used to be. Not missing much.” Joel keeps to himself, staying mostly quiet while the other two make small talk between themselves. They know Joel well enough to recognize when he is in a mood and to give him space.
Tess walks up to the bar shortly after and throws her arms around Frank in surprise.
“Hey Stranger!” She turns to Bill and does the same thing but he is much more reserved. She intentionally makes him uncomfortable with an embrace, making Frank laugh at his discomfort.
Joel turns his body so his legs are back under the counter and sips his beer. The three of them chatter for a few minutes while Joel broods.
“They are going to start soon. Lets grab a table before they are all taken.” Frank was already buzzed and it made him even more eccentric.
“I’m fine right here.” Joel declines.
“Alright, well join us if you want to later.” Frank taps his shoulder and shuffles off towards some tables closer to the stage. Bill follows behind after giving a silent nod to Joel and Tess and lifting his beer to gesture goodbye. Poor Bill was not one for going out and socializing, but he did it for Frank.
Tess takes Frank’s seat and hails the bartender right away. She notices it's not their regular guy and isn’t too impressed with him making her wait. A silence looms for a few moments. The air is awkward and tense.
“Two shots of whiskey.” She requests and glances over at Joel as the bartender pulls out two shot glasses. Joel nods in agreement.
“Wasn’t sure if I’d see you tonight.” Joel is the first to speak.
“Likewise.” Tess says sharply but follows up softer. “I’m glad to see you.”
The bartender finishes pouring the shots and pushes one to each of them. They knock them back.
“Look, I meant what I said.” Joel sounds like he is reassuring himself as much as her.
“I know.” She retorts. His eyes find doubt in her words. “Jesus, Joel, I know. Can’t we just have some drinks? Don’t be such a sour puss.”
Joel scoffs at her words. He pushes his empty shot glass away and taps near his glass when the bartender walks closer. He pours another round. Joel and Tess knock back a second shot. It isn’t nearly enough to help him deal with his issues but it does help him lighten up a little.
Tess leans against Joel's shoulder and presses her hand onto the top of his thigh. She always was a lightweight, and had no problems coming on to him. No doubt she had pre-gamed before coming out, same as Joel.
“Why can’t it just be like this?” she traces a circle on his leg and moves her finger closer to his groin. He shifts his leg as she grazes his zipper.
“Nothings’ ever easy with us, Tess.” Joel pauses and puts his hand over hers. Reluctantly he peels her hand away. “We don’t want the same things anymore.”
“You don’t want this anymore?” She slides her hand back over his zipper this time with more force and she feels him twitch under the denim. She strokes her fingers down his length pressing into his seam. He stifles a groan and stirs in his seat.
“Tess..” His words plead her to stop, but his body reacts to her touch as it always does. Betraying his good intentions. Their attraction for one another was never in question. It just made things a whole lot more complicated. It was hard for him to resist her advances, and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to. She wasn’t exactly cooperating with his poor attempts to resist either.
“‘Course I do.” He looks at her, wantonly and holds her gaze. He pauses and chooses his words carefully. “But it’s not enough.”
She was observant of his reaction, calculating what sort of leverage she had left with Joel. She could see his genuine anguish and was reminded too well of the circumstances that brought them together in the first place. She never said it in all those years, not once, but she did love him.
“We can make it work… we always do.” Tess tries to reason with him, but she has defeat in her voice.
“It’s too late for us, Tess.” Joel reaches a hand out to the side of her face and gently holds her. She removes her hand from his lap and wraps around his forearm and covers his hand with her own, leaning into his touch. The moment is intimate and despite a room full of people it felt like they were the only two. The unspoken love between them was always there as a thread to keep them together. This was not ending because the love was gone, it was ending because it had no more room to grow.
He could see that she was finally accepting what he was saying. At least she was trying to. He brushed his thumb over her cheek and reassured her with his touch that his feelings for her were not lost, but he was not going to give into them anymore.
“I need a clear mind.” He locks eyes with her as he takes his hand back. “I’m playing tonight.”
“You are?” She pulls away, surprised and easily distracted with the subject change. She looks down and eyes Joel’s guitar case leaning against the bar. “Singing too?” Joel nods. This feels familiar and comforting.
“Well I’ll be damned.” Tess’ smile fades and expression softens, filled with sadness. A realization that they had moved away so far from where they used to be. A silent moment lurks but it is not unwanted. It gives them both time to think.
“I never asked you for anything.” Tess utters quietly. Joel nods in agreement, silently reliving all the things he loved about her. Still loves about her.
“Never had to.” Joel gives a gentle side smile. Their eyes meet. Eyes that are intimate and mourning all at once. Hopeful and nostalgic.
He was always going to love Tess.
She stands to interrupt the silence and reaches for his hand to follow.
“Lets find Bill and Frank. I wanna sit with them while you play.”
“Alright.”
Joel leaves his guitar at the bar and follows close behind her. The room is getting more and more crowded by the minute. The first act is wrapping up and switching over to another singer. The bar is alive with excitement.
Following Tess into the crowd his heart drops. There you are, just a few tables in front of him, sitting at a hightop with Marlene. Dressed incredibly sexy with your short dress and your cropped leather jacket. Knee high boots and your hair flowy and free. He wished he could take you right there and have his way with you.
You looked so happy. So unaware of what was about to happen. Innocent and at peace.
Tess grabs his arm and pulls him towards your table, excited to see you and Marlene and she makes a beeline to say hello.
You shouldn’t be here. His brain screams and his heart races. His chest gets heavy and tight as he inches closer to your table, unable to stop the encounter. It was too late. You had already noticed him approaching when Tess called your name and you saw him in tow.
He should have told you from the start, but he didn’t. Even if nothing had happened with Tess since he started falling for you he was well aware how this was going to look.
He was finally making some progress with Tess and couldn’t risk that getting ruined. At your expense, too. There was no other way.
And he knew right at that moment he was the biggest asshole in the world.
[Reader POV]
You turn your head as you hear your name being called out. You see Tess first and just towering behind her is Joel. It was impossible to miss him with his broad shoulders and brooding scowl. For a brief moment, you light up to see him when your eyes catch his.
He was a sight to behold. Wearing a button up navy blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up on his tight forearms. Jeans hugging his body and perfectly accenting his burly frame. His hair was also slicked back and styled like he gelled it fresh out of the shower. The moody lighting masking his silver streaks more than usual. He looked absolutely delicious and it made you ache for him all over again. You had just put him out of your mind too. It didn’t take much to stir up those feelings again when your desire for him was relentless and insatiable. Your heart races, fueled by your longing.
Until you realize they are together.
A wave of dread washes over you. Joel immediately looks away from you in a panic, confirming your fear that something is wrong. He won’t look at you but you can’t take your eyes off of him and ignore everything else around you.
“This is my new star employee. She’s wonderful.” Tess lights up talking about you and playfully bumps into your shoulder. She is babbling on but you have no idea what she is saying because you aren't listening to her anymore. Too preoccupied with figuring out what was happening. Questioning why Tess was introducing you to the man you had been fucking for the past few weeks. The man who had naked photos of you on his phone. The man you were hopelessly besotted with.
Joel’s eyes glance up at you and for the first time ever he looks sheepish. He holds his hand out standard and practical. Emotionless like it's a formal business greeting.
“Joel. Nice to meet you.” You stare, dumbfounded by his words, spoken so nonchalant.
Nice to meet me?
He holds his hand out firmly, waiting for you to take it. His eyes plead with you to go along with it. You lightly grasp his hand. His fingertips drag tenderly as he pulls it away, as if they were apologizing. You say nothing but force a pathetic half-smile.
Tess clearly having one too many drinks hangs off of his shoulder and bumps into his hips. You try to hide the confusion and disgust on your face. Joel refuses to look at you again after your introduction.
He doesn’t reciprocate her energy at all. He looks like a lost dog. Uncomfortable and out of place. She seems oblivious to it, but you are dead focused on reading him to get some answers while she carries on talking. He is a stone wall, giving you nothing.
Marlene says something in response and the two of them laugh but you can’t hear anything but muddled voices over the loudness of your thoughts.
Joel nods at whatever she says but is silent. He looks so distant like he wants to shrink away. Guilty and cowardly.
Every piece of your being wants to scream. What is going on? You don’t want to assume anything. Maybe they are friends and you are overreacting. But then why wouldn’t he have said something sooner? Why did he pretend not to know you? Why won’t he even look at you? The questions keep piling up and your stomach is in knots.
“Come on, Joel.” She hooks her hand around his arm to pull him along. You’ve never seen him act so submissive. “See you girls later.”
As he brushes past you he catches your arm when no one is looking and he gives you the softest brush with the back of his hand. He tries to be inconspicuous and whispers in your ear as he passes.
“I’m so sorry.” His words stab you. They sound sincere and painful but offer no comfort or answers.
As Joel and Tess disappear into the crowded room of people, Marlene is quick to notice you are in your head but brushes it off as being a little drunk.
“God they are annoying.” Marlene shakes her head and takes a sip of her drink. You hear her talking, but still not really listening. You are preoccupied watching Tess take a seat a few tables away and see Joel make some brief small talk and wander off in the direction of the bar.
They didn’t look romantic, at least not from his angle. Are you just overreacting? The alcohol is probably just making you paranoid. You hate how insecure he makes you feel. The reality is that the more time you spend with him the harder it is to be apart. He was unlike any man you had ever been with on so many levels. He made you feel so needy for his attention, and jealous that he was with Tess in some capacity, instead of you. You feel foolish.
A singer briefly performs a song and the room gets loud again as voices rise between sets. You are silent and disassociating with everything around you, unsure if it's the buzz from the alcohol or your serotonin working overtime to calm you down.
“You ok?” Marlene asks.
“Yeah…”
Marlene prys. “You don’t look ok.”
It was obvious from that awkward moment earlier that she knew Joel. You wanted to spill and tell her everything and pick her brain, but your suspicions made you question where her loyalties may lie. You had never told her who your neighbor was and now you felt trapped and alone with this secret.
“I just need another drink.” You laugh and play it off coolly. “Gonna grab one at the bar, be right back.”
As you walk to the back of the room you take note of Tess still sitting at the table and talking to a few guys. It looks like they are familiar and catching up. Joel is standing at the crowded bar at the very end, mostly tucked away and probably how you missed seeing him sooner because you weren't looking for him. Against your better judgment you approach him.
You squeeze into the space next to him and try to keep a little distance from him, but your bare thigh rubs up against his leg as you step in and the person to your left pushes into you. He stays facing straight ahead and doesn’t acknowledge you, except to move his leg from its wide posture. His scowl works overtime to keep his composure. He takes a sip of his beer.
You hail the familiar bartender with your empty glass. He winks and goes to make you another. Drink three and he already has your order memorized and was probably hoping to get your number.
Joel stares him down as he walks away and you could have easily mistaken it for jealousy. The irony of it, as your harmless flirting was nothing compared to his potential relationship with your boss. You needed answers, whether or not Joel wanted to disavow you.
“You wanna tell me what the hell that was about?” Your voice is a little shaky, wavering through your anger and confusion.
“I owe you an explanation.” He nods, still staring off ahead.
You pause, waiting for him to say more, but he doesn’t. Your eyes bore into him and his ignoring you is making you fume more and more. You try to read him, and see the subtle changes as he gets more and more frustrated that you are not getting the hint to leave him alone.
“So… explain?” You push his chest, try to pry the information out of him. His jaw tenses. Glowering and annoyed. His calm facade being chiseled away by your incessant need for answers.
Joel looks at you with cold eyes. Sad eyes. Eyes you do not recognize. He recoils at your touch. Makes you feel like a dirty secret. He tips back his beer and downs the rest of the bottle.
“Can you please fucking say something?” You beg. You are annoyed at how he is acting. He was clearly frustrated by your being there and that anger was festering by the minute.
“This isn’t the time.” He says unphased by your request.
The bartender interrupts you to hand you your drink and gives Joel the side eye, no doubt noticing how prickly he was and how much your demeanor had changed from earlier.
“What are you staring at?” Joel snaps at the bartender. His intimidating tone was low but it was threatening. His misplaced anger was looking for any way to escape.
“Relax, bud.” He puts his hands up in a submissive gesture and backs off. He glances back over to you but you look away and don’t make eye contact with him again.
“She ain't’ interested.” He threatens and somehow makes himself look even bigger. The bartender nods with a knowing smile that might as well say ‘not worth the trouble’ as he grabs Joel’s empty beer bottle and moves on. He wasn’t interested enough to contest with Joel.
You hate how much it turns you on to see him get protective over you. His mixed signals were giving you whiplash. You suspect and even hope that his lashing out and acting this way is just a tactic to get you to leave the matter alone for now. It wasn’t going to work with you though. You were not afraid of him or intimidated.
His fingers curl over the counter and he flexes them, agitated. He taps his fingers in a rolling motion and pushes himself away from the bar with the heel of his hand.
“You should go home.” His words hurt and are spoken with finality through dark eyes that penetrate you. “We’ll talk about this later.”
“No.” Your brows furrow at the audacity. “I want to talk now.” You demand.
Joel ignores you and pushes past you to get to the back hallway. He makes you feel insignificant and like you are just an obstacle in his path to walk around. It makes you even more angry.
You tip back the bulk of your drink dangerously fast and follow him. There were so many people, no one was really paying attention to you and Joel, so why was he acting like this?
You stumble down the corridor to the bathrooms, instantly regretting your choices to drink so recklessly. It makes you feel gross and desperate that you have to chase him someplace so dark and secluded.
With his back to you he balls his hand into a fist and knocks on one of the bathroom doors with enough force to startle anyone in earshot. Someone inside yells that they need a minute.
He puts a hand on his hip and the other drags down his face as he paces and turns towards you. He knew you would follow. He fans his hand out in your direction, pleading with you to let this go.
“I said later.” His words sound tired from your persistence. He looks you up and down and you see something else in his eyes. Behind the anger, the hunger for you is still there.
“Joel.” Your anger starts to cool when you see how agitated he is. Afraid that you are just making everything worse. Maybe you should just leave this alone until later. You could be making a scene over nothing.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he speaks slowly and deliberately, trying to keep himself calm. You try to hold it back but you can’t stop the tears from welling up in your eyes. Impatiently he bangs on the door again and an angry yell returns, calling him an impatient prick.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here tonight.” You are not sure why you are the one defending yourself here. You feel the room spinning and reach to brace yourself on the wall before you stumble. The alcohol and the adrenaline of being afraid to lose Joel was just becoming too much.
Joel reaches out to you and grabs your wrist to steady you. He leads you a bit further down the hall, and just at the end is a small and dark alcove with storage boxes. You can still hear the loudness of Copper’s echoing through the hallway but at least it feels more private. Trashy, but discrete.
You back yourself against the wall, feeling overwhelmed by everything and your anger vanishing into nothing but hurt. Joel stands across from you with his arms crossed. He takes a deep breath.
“Listen. This ain’t got anything to do with you. Ok?” Now is your turn to respond with silence. You have a thousand questions but no words manage to come out, instead a tear drops down your face. You wipe it away quickly but he already noticed it.
“Sweetheart.” He closes the gap between you and holds your face in his hand, wiping his thumb over the wet trail on your cheek. You look up at him with glossy eyes and he looks pained to see you so upset. “Please don’t.”
You feel foolish crying given the real probability of infidelity. Still, you lean into his touch, craving the contact with him that he had been denying you. Soaking in his warmth and pushing the negative thoughts as far away as possible.
He presses up against you, pinning you against a stack of boxes. It is reserved but still so sensual. He pushes your hair behind your ear and combs his fingers through it, smelling your sweet scent mixing with his woodsy, pine cologne.
The heat from his cock feels so good against you, and you can feel him harden slightly when you push your hips into him. Even through tears your body can’t say no to Joel. His body towers over you and makes you feel calmer being in his clutches.
He sneaks a hand up the side of your leg and slips it under your dress. You feel his breath hot on your neck as he kisses you there. His scruff scrapes against the soft meat of your neck and makes you come undone. He presses his mouth into you, hedonic and greedy.
His thumb slides under the thin straps of your panties and he draws circles on your hip bone, dancing dangerously closer to your center. He doesn’t cross the threshold, and with restraint he slides his hand around to your hip over the top of your dress. He presses his forehead into yours and holds you there for a brief moment, relishing having you in his grasp.
As soon as the heated moment starts it fades and Joel takes a step back, holding you at arms length. With a desperation in his eyes, he speaks.
“Go home.” His words hurt. “Please. Go home.”
He turns and leaves you alone in the hallway, disappearing into the crowd. Discarding you like an unwanted problem. A mistake. Something to acknowledge only in the dark.
You feel absolutely blindsided and used and you don’t even know what is going on. You slide your back down the wall and curl your arms around your knees, hugging yourself. You have never felt more alone and abandoned. You hold yourself harder to keep back the tears.
Moments later you hear footsteps and a familiar voice rattles you back to earth. It’s Marlene, knocking on one of the bathroom doors asking if you are inside. You regain your composure and bring yourself to your feet and walk sheepishly towards her from the alcove. You adjust your dress and hair, both a little disrupted by Joel.
“There you are! Is everything ok? I’ve been looking for you.” You turn to face her and do your best to look composed and calm.
“Yeah I was just feeling my drink and had to get away for a minute.” You are a terrible liar.
“Uh huh...” She reaches her hand out and wipes some black makeup that still lingered on your cheek. “Don’t tell me you’re crying about that guy you’ve been seeing?” She tries to guess what could have you so upset. You fake a laugh and try to throw her off. She notices your messy hair. “Or did you makeout with that bartender that was hitting on you?” she asks excitedly.
“Nothing like that. I’m fine. Really.” You say with confidence but she is still skeptical. You take a few steps down the hallway. The words Joel begged of you before leaving you replay over and over.
“Hey, do you… know that guy?” You struggle to get his name out. “Joel?” She looks at you puzzled. Inquisitive. Amused at your question.
“Everyone knows Joel Miller.” She stares at you, her expression trying to hide some judgment but can’t resist. “Why?”
You don’t answer and just stare off blankly. You feel like a total idiot. A used trollop. She tries to read between the lines, assuming your drunk ass is crushing on him.
“Don’t get involved with Joel.” She warns and hooks her arm in yours and leads you back to the main room.
Your table had been scarfed up which was no surprise. There were so many people.
You are floating between being too drunk and carefree and on the verge of a mental breakdown. For now, the alcohol was keeping you afloat. This wasn’t the time or place to deal with whatever was going on with Joel and you were not in the right frame of mind to handle it.
You made up your mind. You were going to stay and try to salvage what was left of your night. You would stay clear of Joel. Why should he get to tell you what to do? You lose your footing and stumble but Marlene balances you.
“Ok… you need to drink water.” She mothers you and takes you by the shoulders to lead you back to the bar.
“Yes, mom.” You muster up a joke and take a deep breath.
Another half hour passes. You don’t see Joel but you don’t look for him either. You don’t want to see him or want him to see you. The water helps sober you up just slightly. The music is loud but soothing as it occupies your headspace. The current act was a man and woman duo singing something moody and playing guitar. They played a few songs and then the MC shared that they had just one more performer for tonight.
You lazily look at your phone and it’s so much later than you realized. You turn to ask Marlene if she is ready to go when you see him, walking towards the stage with a guitar slung on his back. Joel was the final performer? You watched him walk up to the stage with disbelief. He wanted you to go home so you wouldn’t see this? It felt forbidden to look and of course you needed to.
You had no idea he was the musical type. Realizing now you didn’t know much about him at all, apparently. The thought of that makes you feel sick.
You feel numb to everything around you. Maybe it was all just a bad dream. It had to be.
He takes his seat on a stool in front of the mic, propping up his guitar on his lap and strums a few chords. The audience is awakened. You hear people mumbling to their friends that they can’t believe Joel is playing again.
Apparently everyone but you.
You want to be angry. Upset that he was so deceptive to you and kept his life so secret. Dismissive about your desire to understand.
Your body betrays you, fluttering at the sight of him. The room is darkened and the light shining on him makes him look even more gorgeous, casting harsh shadows that accent his tight body. His silver streaks in his slicked hair catching the light and his broad frame defined perfectly in his well fitting shirt. His watch reflects the light as he positions his hand to cradle the neck of his guitar. His forearm flexes as he guides his hand over the strings. It makes you wet.
“This one’s…. for Tess.”
Your heart stops.
His voice wavers as he looks down to his guitar, avoiding eye contact with anyone. The room is deadly silent. He has everyone’s attention. You are certain your heartbeat is the loudest thing as you are filled with panic.
Did you hear that right?
He strums his guitar and a low and gravelly voice follows.
Love will abide
Take things in stride
He said… Tess?
Sounds like good advice
But there's no one at my side
You feel a pit in your stomach.
And time washes clean
Love's wounds unseen
He said Tess.
That's what someone told me
But I don't know what it means
'Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
The profound sadness in his voice hurts. It cuts you like a knife. His guttural but steady low singing moves you. You would never, but it makes you want to run up to him and hold him.
And I think I'm gonna love you
For a long, long time
You hate this. Being in this moment, trapped. It felt like listening to a private conversation. Still, you can’t look away.
Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me
When you never let me near
The sharpness in his tone is notable and you see him clench his teeth at those words.
'Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
The pit in your stomach grows as your fears are being realized before your eyes.
And I think it's going to hurt me
For a long, long time
Joel was in love with her.
Wait for the day
You'll go away
Knowing that you warned me
Of the price I'd have to pay
You look over to where Tess was sitting earlier. She looks hurt and fragile, masked by anger. Not like anything you had seen before. You pity her. You pity yourself.
And life's full of flaws
Who knows the cause?
Living in the memory
Of a love that never was
Joel is hurting. Whatever their relationship was, he certainly wanted it to be different.
'Cause I've done everything I know
To try and change your mind
And you are just a toy for him to play with. You need to leave. You need to be anywhere but right here.
And I think I'm going to miss you
For a long, long time
Suddenly the room is spinning. You are going to be sick. The alcohol and anxiety inside you mix together and you feel like you can’t breathe.
'Cause I've done everything I know
To try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you
Joel looks up and his eyes accidentally find yours for the briefest moment. An unintentional stare. He looks away and down at his guitar, no doubt outraged that you didn’t go home. That you saw him spill his heart and soul out to another woman.
For a long, long time.
Angry that you caught him cheating. The only truth you know.
The loudest silence follows as he strums the last chord. Then, the room erupts in applause and many people stand up to clap and cheer. Even the drunkest person could have watched that performance and felt his pain. You suspected few people realized it was so good because it was so honest.
Marlene looks over at you and can clearly see how ghostly and unwell you look. You shake your head and try to hold back the flood of tears welling up in your eyes.
“Can we… can we go? Please?”
“Yeah, of course.” Marlene puts an arm around you and helps you up. The tears start falling and you can’t stop it. You can’t hold back the flood of sobs and emotion leaving your body.
“Whoa… Whats wrong?” She puts her hand on your cheek and tries in vain to wipe the tears away. Looking extremely concerned and no doubt piecing things together.
You can’t even think properly. You gasp at the air to save you.
“I just need to get out of here.”
You glance up to the stage and Joel has already left it. Probably going to his lover or whatever the fuck that was all about. That sickness feeling surges back. You want to throw up. You want to disappear and erase every moment you had with Joel.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
To be continued...
A O 3 | M A S T E R L I S T | N O T I F I C A T I O N S
Comments / Reblogs are so incredibly appreciated 🧡
Thank you to @magpiepills for being my wonderful beta, ily 🧡
Tag List // @legendary-pink-dot @for-a-longlongtime @exquisiteserotonin @pink-whiskey-woman @youandmeand5bucks
Tempered in the Fire (Blacksmith!Din Djarin AU) - Masterlist
With his hammer in his hand/He looked right clever… (‘The Blacksmith’, British or Irish folk song from the early nineteenth century)
Series Summary:
Ireland, almost a decade after the rebellion of 1798 was brutally suppressed. In this seemingly quiet part of the country, the people work the land and stay quiet about the recent past. You are an unusual woman in this little world: married, but living alone; a widow, with no certainty that her husband is dead. You have made your own life since he vanished into thin air, managing the smallholding you live on and making some extra money through your skills as a seamstress.
This is a time when the local blacksmith is at the heart of any rural community. One such smith is a man of few words, whose uncertain origins and dark complexion make him stand out among the locals, but whose skills with hammer and anvil have rendered him indispensable. When your local blacksmith is badly injured in an accident and unable to work, you have no choice but to travel on to this man’s forge - and are immediately intrigued by this mysterious, taciturn figure…
Content: Blacksmith!Din AU; historical setting; references to violence; references to domestic abuse; period-appropriate terminology and misogyny; anti-Travelling people discrimination; alcohol; strong language; explicit smut (eventually); technical infidelity; almost certainly incorrect depictions of blacksmithing; some slightly dodgy history (I literally took advanced seminars in this topic but come on, it’s fic); most likely some not quite correct Irish language content (again, I studied it for years so forgive me and move on).
Cross-posted to AO3.
Author’s Note: I spotted a sign at Disneyland for ‘Rose’s Forge’ and @julesonrecord and @lunapascal were immediately on the “which P boy would be a blacksmith?” train. And there’s only one answer, isn’t there? It’s Din.
This is intended as a short series of around four chapters - essentially a chance for me to scratch the blacksmith!Din itch, while also indulging in some historical fiction set in my homeland. In part, it’s inspired by the image of the blacksmith in eighteenth and nineteenth century popular culture and their role in supplying rebel weaponry in the 1798 uprising against British rule.
And it’s also inspired by the image of Din sweaty and beautiful at an anvil, because why the hell not?
The image I’ve used for the header image, by the way, is a wonderful engraving from about 1833 by the French artist Eugène Delacroix, who’s one of my absolute favourites. It’s called ‘Un Forgeron’ (A Blacksmith) and you can see it in all its glory here. (Yes, it’s hot as fuck.)
summary: In the grandeur of ancient Rome, you are the secret daughter of Commodus, living a quiet life as a servant in the imperial palace. Everything changes when you meet General Marcus Acacius, Rome’s honorable and stoic leader.
Though devoted to duty and loyalty to the princess, Marcus is drawn to you in a way he cannot ignore. A forbidden passion ignites between you both, and an affair begins—one that threatens the very foundation of loyalty, power, and honor. As you fall deeper into your dangerous love for Marcus, each stolen moment becomes a fragile, dangerous secret.
warnings: 18+ only, 14 YEARS AFTER GLADIATOR 1, ANGST, Fluff, A LOT OF SMUT, Unprotected Sex, Exhibition Kink, Age-Gap, Ancient Rome, mentions of violence, Gladiators, Blood, Gore, Politics, Sexism, Forbidden Love, Loss of Virginity, mentions of death, Innocent and pure reader, Loss of virginity, Infidelity, more warnings will be added throughout the story
Chapter I
masterlist!
next | chapter II
The palace is alive with preparation, a beast of marble and gold that never rests. Its veins are the labyrinthine halls, pulsing with servants like you, carrying trays of delicacies, wreaths of flowers, and jugs of wine.
Its heart beats to the rhythm of whispered orders, clinking metal, and the distant echo of the marketplace beyond its gates. Tonight, the beast awakens for another feast.
You adjust the folds of your simple tunic, careful not to brush against the elaborate tapestries that line the walls. Each thread tells a story of conquest, glory, and power—legends you’ve only heard murmured by those old enough to remember.
You are not part of those tales, nor their lineage. You are a servant, a shadow cast by the towering figures who walk these halls.
The kitchen is a tempest. The air is thick with the scent of roasted meats, fresh bread, and sweet figs. Claudia, the head cook, barks orders, her voice slicing through the chaos like the edge of a Roman gladius.
You pass her with a nod, your arms laden with trays of fruit—gleaming apples, plump grapes, the kind of bounty the common people outside these walls could only dream of.
Livia catches your eye from across the room. Her presence is a steady anchor in the storm, her face worn but kind.
“Have you checked the wine?” she asks, her tone soft but urgent.
You nod. “It’s ready, Mother,” you reply, the word slipping out as naturally as breath.
She is not your mother—you know this much—but she is all you have.
The story of how you came to be here is one you’ve heard countless times: a baby abandoned at the servants' chamber door, cradled in a basket of woven reeds, with nothing to mark your origin save for a scrap of fine cloth that no one in your station would dare to own.
Livia found you there, swaddled in whispers of mystery, and against all odds, she chose to keep you.
Raised among the laboring hands of the palace, you were given no privilege beyond survival and no legacy but that of work.
The great marble halls and gilded frescoes became your entire world, a place as eternal and unmoving as the gods themselves—or so it seemed.
The servants’ quarters where you lived were nestled in the hidden bowels of the palace, far from the glittering feasts and marble statues.
You learned to scrub floors and pour wine long before you understood the language of wealth and power that filled these walls.
Your life had been carved out in the shadows, molded by the soft voices and calloused hands of those who raised you.
Today, like every other, begins in service to Rome's ever-churning hunger for spectacle.
The air hums with anticipation, thick with the scent of roasted meat and spiced wine, a stark contrast to the stench of poverty that lingers just beyond the palace gates.
“Are the platters for the atrium ready?” Livia’s voice cuts through your thoughts.
“They are,” you reply, glancing at the polished silver laden with grapes and apples, their skins shining like jewels under the torchlight.
“Good.” Livia’s sharp eyes soften, though her expression remains tense. “Take the fruit out yourself. And stay close to the kitchen. Today will bring trouble, I feel it.”
You nod, understanding the weight of her instincts. Years of serving in the palace have taught her to sense the storm before it strikes.
As you lift the platters, Claudia, calls over her daughter, Alexandra.
“Go with her,” Claudia orders, waving a ladle for emphasis.
Alexandra groans dramatically but obeys, rolling her eyes as she grabs one of the platters.
“She can’t let me rest for a moment,” she mutters, her tone more amused than annoyed.
You chuckle softly. Alexandra has always been like this—bold where you are cautious, quick to speak where you stay silent.
She is your only true companion here, older by four years and infinitely more daring.
As you and Alexandra arrange the fruits on a grand table in the atrium, she leans closer, her voice dropping conspiratorially. “The Princess will be here tonight.”
You nod absently, focused on ensuring the grapes cascade just so. “Of course, she will. She is the Princess after all.”
“No, I mean, I haven’t seen her in years,” Alexandra continues, ignoring your tone. “Not since I was a kid. That was ten years ago. You know she moved out of the palace after marrying the general.”
You don’t reply immediately, your hands steady as you arrange the fruit. Alexandra has always loved to gossip, but you prefer to keep your thoughts unspoken.
“Can you believe it’s been ten years, and she hasn’t had a child? Not one with him,” Alexandra muses.
“Maybe it’s their choice,” you say quietly. “It’s not our place to wonder.”
Alexandra scoffs lightly. “I’m just saying, after her son—what was his name? Lucius?—after he was taken and killed by her brother, Commodus…” She trails off, her voice tinged with something between pity and fascination.
You remember Lucius vaguely, a boy with a quiet demeanor and a sad smile.
You were too young then to understand the weight of his loss, but the servants whispered of curses and tragedies surrounding the imperial family.
“It’s not good to talk about the great emperors like that,” you murmur, hoping to steer the conversation elsewhere.
Before Alexandra can reply, the sound of heavy boots echoes through the atrium.
The guards step forward, their polished armor glinting in the firelight. “Make way for their majesties,” one announces, his voice carrying over the growing murmur of the guests.
You and Alexandra immediately bow your heads, the platters forgotten as the twin emperors enter the room.
Emperor Geta and Emperor Caracalla are a study in contrasts.
Geta, an imposing figure, commands the space with a cold and calculating gaze. His every step seems deliberate, as if the weight of the empire rests on his shoulders alone.
Caracalla, by contrast, walks with an erratic energy, his pet monkey perched on his shoulder. Dondus, the creature’s name, chatters and hisses, a mirror of its master’s unpredictable moods.
You feel the weight of their gazes as they sweep the room. Geta’s lips curl into a smile—or is it a smirk?—as his eyes linger on Alexandra.
There have been whispers, rumors of an affair, though Alexandra denies them with a laugh.
Caracalla’s gaze lands on you, and for a moment, his expression softens. Unlike his brother, he has always been strange but oddly kind to you.
When you were a child, he would find you in the halls, offering you small trinkets or asking you to keep him company.
“Your Majesties,” Alexandra says again, her voice like honeyed wine, sweet but strong.
She curtsies with practiced ease, her eyes cast downward, yet her boldness hangs in the air, unspoken but palpable.
You follow her lead, bowing deeply, but your heart pounds in your chest like the war drums of a distant legion. In the presence of the emperors, the room feels smaller, the air heavier.
To serve Rome, you think, is to breathe in the will of its rulers, no matter how suffocating.
Geta's gaze lingers on Alexandra, traveling from her head to her feet, as though she were a statue he might commission or a possession he already owns.
His smirk deepens, the corner of his mouth curving with an indulgence that unsettles you.
“Alexandra,” he drawls, his voice smooth as polished bronze. “Why do I find the table half-dressed? Are my guests to dine on the promise of fruit alone?”
You glance at the platters, perfectly arranged but not yet fully adorned with the remaining dishes. Your pulse quickens; you know the punishment for displeasing the emperors can be swift, unpredictable.
But Alexandra, bold as always, doesn’t flinch.
“Forgive us, Your Majesty,” she says, her tone measured yet edged with defiance. “The final trays are being brought out as we speak. The delay was unforeseen.”
Geta arches a brow, his smirk turning sharper, more dangerous. “Unforeseen,” he repeats, as though savoring the word.
“I wonder, Alexandra, if you’ve grown too accustomed to... distractions.”
You know the meaning behind his words. Everyone does.
The whispered rumors of their affair swirl through the palace like incense smoke, clinging to every corner.
Her mother Claudia knows, though she turns a blind eye, perhaps thinking it wiser not to provoke the wrath of an emperor.
Beside him, Caracalla shifts, uninterested in the exchange. His pet monkey, Dondus, chitters softly on his shoulder, its small, beady eyes scanning the room.
Caracalla’s gaze falls on you briefly, but it is not unkind. He has always been more erratic than cruel with you, there is a peculiar understanding in his glances—a shared knowledge of solitude.
“Forgive us, Your Majesty,” you say suddenly, your voice trembling like a bird caught in a net. The words tumble out before you can stop them, and the weight of the room shifts.
Geta’s eyes snap to you, sharp as a blade. For a moment, you wonder if you’ve made a grave mistake.
But then he laughs—a low, indulgent sound that sends shivers down your spine.
“Ah,” he says, leaning slightly toward you. “The little dove finds her voice. How curious.”
You stiffen under his gaze, your knees threatening to buckle. It feels as though he is peeling back your very skin, seeking something hidden beneath.
“You’re the youngest servant here, aren’t you?” Geta muses, his tone light but with an edge that cuts.
“A curious creature, so quiet and unassuming. And yet…” He trails off, his eyes narrowing, as if piecing together a puzzle.
The weight of unspoken rumors presses against your chest.
The whispers about your lineage, the murmurs that you are more than a servant—that you are the illegitimate daughter of Commodus himself, a shadow of Rome’s bloody past.
You’ve heard them before, though never directly. Livia, your steadfast mother in all but blood, dismisses them as lies, the gossip of bored tongues.
But in moments like this, when Geta’s piercing gaze locks onto yours, it feels as though the marble walls around you whisper secrets only they can hold.
Secrets of your origin, of what blood may or may not flow through your veins, encased in the silent austerity of Rome’s cold embrace. You feel the weight of it, a shroud both invisible and suffocating.
Geta doesn’t believe the rumors entirely, but he cannot ignore them either. To him, you are a thorn he cannot pluck without proof.
If the whispers are true, if you are indeed the hidden scion of Commodus and the only living grandchild of Marcus Aurelius, you would be a danger to his rule.
Rome, after all, has loved its Aurelius lineage fiercely.
The plebeians would rally to your name like vines twisting toward sunlight.
Still, no woman has ever ruled Rome.
The Senate, the soldiers, and the gods themselves would balk at such a notion. But Geta knows that power is not always rooted in precedent—it is rooted in the hearts of the people.
And the people would love a descendant of Marcus Aurelius far more than they could ever love him.
“You wear the palace well,” Geta says finally, his tone dripping with mockery. “A little too well, perhaps.”
You feel the heat rise to your cheeks but keep your gaze respectfully lowered. His words are like serpents coiling around you, their venom lying just beneath the surface.
Caracalla hums softly, breaking the tension. He strokes Dondus, the little monkey perched on his shoulder, as though soothing himself rather than the animal.
“Leave her, brother,” he mutters, his tone flat but carrying weight. “You scare the child.”
Geta casts his twin a glance, his smirk briefly faltering. With that, he straightens, clapping his hands once in finality. “Finish the table,” he commands, the sharpness of his tone slicing through the room.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” you and Alexandra reply in unison, bowing deeply as the emperors turn and walk away.
Their robes ripple like molten gold, catching the light as though the gods themselves had woven the fabric.
The moment they are gone, you exhale shakily, the breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding slipping from your lips.
The grandeur of the palace, so often a thing of wonder, now feels oppressive—a prison of marble and ambition.
Alexandra nudges you gently, her smile faint but reassuring. “It’s fine,” she murmurs, though the tightness in her voice betrays her unease.
You nod and return to your work, the routine motions of arranging platters grounding you once more. But the unease lingers, like a storm cloud that refuses to dissipate.
Later, after the feast preparations are complete, you retreat to the servants’ quarters. The hallways grow quieter as the palace begins to prepare for the night’s debauchery.
Your mother, Livia, finds you there, her expression tight with concern.
“Are you all right?” You nod quickly, not wanting to worry her further.
Livia’s sharp eyes search yours for a moment before she exhales heavily. “Stay away from them tonight,” she warns. “There will be soldiers, senators, politicians—men who think they own the world. And women and men from the brothels to entertain them. It will not be a place for a child like you.”
“I understand,” you say softly, though the thought of the gathering makes your skin prickle.
"Go to your chamber and stay there.” You nod, obedient as always, and Livia cups your face briefly before bustling away.
But as you walk toward your chamber, the stillness of the afternoon draws you elsewhere.
***
The sun bathes the palace gardens in a golden light, soft and warm, like an embrace from the gods themselves.
The sky is a flawless stretch of azure, and the air carries the faintest scent of blooming jasmine.
Unable to resist, you veer toward the gardens, seeking solace in their quiet beauty.
You make your way to the small pond at the edge of the grounds, where the world feels simpler, untouched by the weight of marble columns and imperial decrees.
This is your sanctuary, a place you’ve tended with your own hands.
The hedges are trimmed neatly, the flowers arranged in bursts of vibrant color—crimson roses, golden marigolds, and pale violets that seem to glow in the sunlight.
The pond reflects the sky like polished glass, its surface rippling gently in the breeze.
You settle onto the cool stone bench nearby, pulling out a small parchment and charcoal.
Writing has always been your escape, a way to make sense of the labyrinth that is your mind.
The words flow from you like water from a spring, each line capturing fragments of your thoughts and fears.
To live in the shadow of gods is to forget the warmth of the sun.
You stare at the words you’ve written, sentences about Rome and its people, the empire’s endless hunger that devours the poor while the rulers gorge themselves on the spoils.
It isn’t rebellion that drives you—at least, not yet—but a quiet, gnawing sense of wrongness.
You have lived your entire life within the confines of this palace, its gilded walls both a sanctuary and a prison.
Outside, beyond the Forum and its grand marble temples, the streets of Rome teem with despair. You’ve seen it, fleeting glimpses on the rare occasions you ventured beyond the palace gates.
Children with hollow eyes and grime-streaked faces.
Men broken by war or taxation, their shoulders bowed under invisible yokes.
Women clutching bundles of rags that you realized, with a sick lurch, were infants too still to be alive.
These thoughts weigh heavily on you as you sit by the pond, the garden’s beauty unable to shield you from the world’s harsh truths.
You lower your quill, pressing trembling fingers to your lips, when the sound of approaching footsteps pulls you sharply from your thoughts.
You stiffen, the air in your lungs turning to stone. It isn’t one of the servants; their steps are lighter, quicker.
This tread is deliberate, measured, carrying a weight of authority. When you glance up, your breath catches.
The man before you is not adorned with the opulence of the Senate nor the ostentatious silk of the emperors.
You know who he is. How could you not?
General Marcus Acacius.
Rome’s shield and sword, the hero of distant campaigns whose name is whispered with both reverence and fear.
You have never seen him in the flesh, for he seldom resides in the palace, choosing instead to live with Princess Lucilla far from its labyrinth of intrigue.
But his likeness is everywhere: etched in marble statues, painted in frescoes, immortalized as Rome’s protector.
Yet, here he stands, and for a fleeting moment, you wonder if the gods themselves have sent him.
The crimson cloak draped over his broad shoulders glints faintly in the golden light, its hem embroidered with intricate patterns that seem to tell the story of the empire’s conquests.
His tunic, simple yet stately, is cinched with a polished belt, a gleaming buckle bearing the proud insignia of the wolf of Rome.
Unlike the ornamental decadence of the Senate or the twin emperors, his attire speaks of purpose and practicality—beauty tempered by utility.
And his face—by Jupiter, his beautiful face.
It is a map of victories and sacrifices, weathered yet noble. The lines carved by years of sun and battle only enhance the sharpness of his features, as if the gods had personally molded him for their own designs.
His hair, dark and streaked with silver like the gleam of moonlight on a blade, curls faintly at his temples.
His beard, neatly trimmed, frames a mouth set in the hard line of a man who has spoken a thousand commands and swallowed a thousand regrets.
But it is his eyes that strike you most: deep, piercing, soulful-brown eyes.
They are the eyes of a man who has seen the best and worst of humanity and bears the weight of both.
Your breath catches as his gaze sweeps over you, taking in the sight of a young servant clutching a parchment like a shield.
He regards you with a sharp, assessing gaze, his eyes like iron tempered in fire—unyielding yet reflective.
His presence is commanding, a gravity that draws everything into its orbit. You are struck by how different he is from the emperors.
Where Geta and Caracalla exude indulgence and cruelty, Acacius carries himself with the disciplined grace of a man who has known the weight of true responsibility.
“Not many choose the gardens for their thoughts,” he says, his voice deep, steady, and tinged with curiosity.
It is a soldier’s voice, devoid of the honeyed pretense of courtiers.
You scramble to your feet, clutching your parchment to your chest. “General,” you manage, your voice trembling despite your best efforts.
He raises a hand, the gesture more commanding than any shout. “At ease,” he says, a faint flicker of something—amusement, perhaps—crossing his face. “You are Livia's daughter?"
His question hangs in the air like the distant clang of a bell. You nodded, your name feels small in your mouth when you finally say it, barely audible against the rustling of the garden’s leaves.
Acacius nods, as though filing the information away. His eyes flick to the parchment in your hands. “A poet?”
You hesitate, “I... I write, sometimes. Thoughts.”
He steps closer, his presence overwhelming yet strangely grounding. He does not reach for the parchment, but his gaze lingers on it as though he could read its contents by sheer will alone.
“Thoughts on Rome, perhaps?” he asks.
His tone is even, but there is an edge to it, a subtle weight that suggests he already knows the answer.
Your throat tightens. To speak of the empire’s flaws to a general of its armies feels like standing on the edge of a blade.
Yet something in his bearing—a quiet patience, a restrained curiosity—compels you to answer honestly.
“Yes,” you admit softly. “About Rome. And its people.”
Acacius’s expression shifts almost imperceptibly, a shadow crossing his face. He looks away, toward the pond, his gaze distant now, as if seeing not the still water but something far beyond it.
“The people,” he repeats, almost to himself. “The heart of Rome. And yet, the heart is always the first to be sacrificed.”
The words are spoken quietly, but they carry the weight of experience, of battles fought not just with swords but with conscience.
You watch him, your earlier fear now replaced by a cautious curiosity.
"Do you... believe that?" you venture, your voice barely above a whisper, the words trembling like a fledgling bird daring its first flight.
Marcus halts, his crimson cloak swaying like the banner of a legion stilled in the wind.
He turns to you, his eyes—sharp as a polished gladius—softening for the briefest moment, as if your question has reached a part of him long buried under layers of duty and steel.
“Belief,” he begins, his voice low and steady, carrying the weight of a man who has lived lifetimes in service to an empire, “is a luxury in the life of a soldier. I deal in action, not faith. But I have seen enough to know that Rome’s strength lies not in its emperors, but in its people. And we are failing them.”
The honesty in his words strikes you like the tolling of a great bronze bell, reverberating through the quiet garden and deep into your chest.
It is not what you expected from a man like him—a hero to some, a sword-arm to the empire—but here he stands, speaking not as a general but as a man, his voice laced with something unguarded. Regret, perhaps. Or hope—fragile and faint, but alive nonetheless.
“Do you believe in Rome, little one?” His question falls like a stone into still waters, and you startle, unprepared to have the conversation turned toward you.
“I—” Your words falter, and you look down at your hands, clutching the parchment that now feels like an accusation.
But then, something inside you stirs—something that refuses to shrink back beneath the weight of his gaze.
You lift your eyes to meet his, the courage in your chest kindled like a flame drawn from embers.
“I believe in what Rome could be,” you reply, your voice steadier now.
“I believe in the Rome that lives in the hearts of its people—the ones who work its fields, who build its roads, who kneel at its altars not out of fear, but out of love. That is the Rome worth fighting for. But the Rome I see now…” Your throat tightens, but you press on.
“...has forgotten its people. It worships marble statues and golden coins while the streets crumble and the people starve. How can an empire endure when its foundation is so neglected?”
Your words spill forth, unchecked and unmeasured, and it is only when you see the faintest flicker of something in his expression—respect, perhaps, or surprise—that you remember who stands before you.
The weight of your boldness sinks in like a gladiator realizing they’ve overstepped in the arena.
“Forgive me, General,” you murmur, lowering your gaze. “I forgot myself.”
But Marcus shakes his head, a wry smile playing at the edges of his mouth. “Do not apologize,” he says, his tone gentler now, though no less commanding.
“You are young, but your words carry the wisdom of one who has not yet been corrupted by power. Few speak with such clarity, and fewer still with such courage.”
His gaze lingers on you, searching, and you feel it like the sun breaking through storm clouds.
“You remind me,” he says, his voice quieter, almost reverent, “of someone. He believed, as you do, in the strength of Rome’s people. He would sit in gardens much like this one, speaking of justice and duty, and wonder aloud whether the empire could ever live up to its ideals.”
Your heart quickens, the weight of his words settling over you like the cloak of a goddess.
The way Marcus looks at you—as though he sees not the servant, but the soul beneath—makes you feel for a fleeting moment.
“I am no philosopher,” you say softly, your fingers tightening on the parchment. “But it is hard to remain silent when I see so much suffering.”
“A Roman citizen has every right to speak of their empire’s failings,” he says, stepping closer now.
“Do not mistake me for a politician, child. I am a soldier. My loyalty is to Rome—not to the men who rule it."
You nod, the words settling over you like a cloak woven of both gravity and reassurance.
The air between you feels charged, alive with the kind of understanding that is rarely spoken but deeply felt.
You watch him, his form cast in the golden hues of the setting sun, the crimson of his cloak vivid against the muted greens of the garden.
There is something about him that draws you—not merely his reputation, not the legends whispered in the palace halls of his valor and victories, but him.
The man behind the titles and statues.
You swallow, your heart a restless bird in your chest. You should not linger, not with him, not now.
And yet, you find yourself unable to walk away.
Words rise to your lips, hesitant at first, but then they spill forth, tentative and careful, like a child offering a wildflower to a god.
“Forgive me, my lord, but shouldn’t you be inside?” you say, your voice trembling under the weight of its boldness. “The palace is bustling with your celebration—wishing you fortune for your campaign, for Rome’s glory.”
He turns his gaze to you, the faintest flicker of amusement playing at the corners of his mouth. “Rome’s glory,” he repeats, as though tasting the phrase on his tongue, finding it bitter.
He lets out a soft chuckle, low and warm, a sound that feels oddly out of place amidst the solemn grandeur of the garden. “Let them feast. Let them toast. I’ve no appetite for gilded words tonight.”
You blink, surprised by his candor. He is not what you imagined—not the marble statue immortalized in the Forum or the hardened general whose name echoes in the chants of soldiers. He is… more human than that.
“I’m waiting for my wife,” he adds, his tone casual, though his eyes seem to linger on you as if measuring your reaction.
Princess Lucilla.
The name hangs in the air, heavy with the weight of legend. Rome’s Princess. The only daughter of Marcus Aurelius, the philosopher-emperor. You’ve never met her, though her shadow looms large over your life.
“She was delayed,” he continues, glancing toward the palace, though his stance is relaxed, unhurried.
Princess Lucilla, her legend precedes her, a name spoken with reverence, and sometimes, in hushed tones, with fear.
Your mother, Livia, has served her since she was but a girl.
Livia, who moves through the world with a quiet dignity, has always spoken of the princess with unwavering loyalty. “She carries Rome on her shoulders,” your mother would say, her voice tinged with both pride and sorrow. “The weight of a crown rests on her brow, even though it does not sit there.”
Your thoughts drift, but his voice pulls you back to the present.
“Your mother,” Marcus says, his tone shifting to something softer, more contemplative, “she’s a loyal servant to our household, isn’t she?”
You nod, feeling a strange warmth rise to your cheeks. “She is, my lord. My mother adores the princess. She always speaks highly of her.”
At this, Marcus smiles faintly. His expression, though guarded, carries a warmth that feels rare, as if he’s allowing himself a brief reprieve from his usual stoicism.
“Livia is wise, then. Lucilla is… more than most know. Rome sees her as Marcus Aurelius’ daughter, but to me—” He pauses, his voice lowering to something almost reverent.
“She is a woman of strength, far greater than any man I’ve known. Her loyalty to Rome and its people… it humbles me.”
For a fleeting moment, his mask of a hardened general slips, and you glimpse something deeper.
A man bound not just by duty but by love.
His words hang in the air, gilded with affection, and you feel a pang of longing, though for what, you cannot say.
“I’ve never met her,” you admit, your voice quieter now.
He turns to you, curiosity flickering in his gaze. “Lucilla?”
You nod, feeling suddenly self-conscious beneath his scrutiny. “I’ve only heard stories. My mother always told me about her strength, her grace. But we’ve never crossed paths.”
Marcus regards you for a long moment, as if seeing something in you he had not noticed before. “She would like you,” he says at last, his voice steady, though something lingers in his tone, a note of intrigue.
“Are you coming to the feast tonight?” he asks, the question catching you off guard.
You hesitate, glancing toward the palace where the distant hum of celebration filters through the evening air. “Servants are not permitted to attend such events, my lord,” you say, lowering your gaze. “I am only a servant after all,"
His brows furrow slightly, as if the answer displeases him. “Rome is built on the backs of those it calls servants. Do not diminish yourself.”
You blink, unsure of how to respond. There’s a weight in his words, one that feels both heavy and freeing.
Before he can say more, hurried footsteps echo through the garden. You turn, and there stands Alexandra, one of the palace attendants, her expression tight with worry.
“My lord,” she says, bowing her head quickly as her wide eyes catch sight of Marcus.
The respect is immediate, almost reflexive. General Acacius commands not just authority but admiration.
Men respect him, but women… they speak of him in hushed tones, a figure both distant and impossibly magnetic.
“Forgive me for interrupting,” Alexandra continues, her voice trembling slightly under the weight of his gaze. “Your mother is looking for you,"
Marcus looks at you, his expression softening. He steps aside, the movement graceful despite his formidable frame, as though making room for your escape.
"Tell Livia my apologies for keeping her daughter here," he says, his voice low yet deliberate, as though each word is a promise carved in stone.
His gaze lingers on you, longer than it should, and it feels as though he is reading something beyond the surface—a map of your heart, perhaps, etched in the lines of your face.
For a moment, the world narrows to just this: the garden bathed in the golden light of a setting sun, the faint murmur of the distant feast, and the weight of his eyes, heavy yet strangely gentle.
There is something about you, his expression seems to say—something unspoken but undeniable.
You feel it too, a spark that flickers to life beneath the layers of duty, expectation, and fear.
“I’ll see you at the feast tonight,” he says, the words more a statement than an invitation, leaving little room for protest.
There is a finality to his tone, yet also a quiet insistence that stirs something within you.
Before you can respond, he dips his head ever so slightly—a gesture of respect, or perhaps acknowledgment—before turning and striding away, his crimson cloak flowing like a banner in his wake.
You bow reflexively, watching him disappear into the shadowed corridors of the palace, his figure swallowed by the grandeur of Rome itself.
Yet even as he leaves, his presence lingers, an echo in the air, a weight in your chest.
As soon as the sound of his footsteps fades, Alexandra is at your side, her face alight with barely contained awe.
“Was that… the general?” she whispers, her voice tinged with something between disbelief and reverence.
“Yes,” you reply, though your own voice feels distant, as though it belongs to someone else. Your thoughts are still tethered to the garden, to the quiet intensity of his gaze.
“By the gods,” she breathes, clutching your arm as though you might disappear. “He’s… he’s even more handsome up close.”
You chuckle softly, shaking your head. “Careful, Ale,” you chide gently, though there’s no malice in your words.
“I’ve heard so much about him,” she continues, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper.
“About his loyalty to Maximus Decimus Meridius—the late general—and how he served under him during the great campaigns. They say he adored the princess even then. Some even whisper that his loyalty to Maximus was why he stayed so close to her after his death, marrying her to protect her.”
You glance at her, your brow furrowing slightly. “You know far too much for someone who spends their days in the laundry.”
She grins, unrepentant. “The laundry is where all the palace’s secrets come to dry.”
You shake your head, though her words gnaw at the edges of your mind.
You’ve heard the stories too, in bits and pieces from the older servants: tales of Lucilla’s love affair with Maximus, and Marcus’s steadfast devotion not only to his commander but to the empire itself.
A marriage born of loyalty, they say, not love. And yet, there’s something in the way Marcus spoke of Lucilla earlier that makes you wonder.
As Alexandra chatters on, her words a tide of gossip and speculation, your thoughts drift back to Marcus.
To the way he stood in the garden, his form framed by the soft glow of the setting sun. To the depth in his eyes, like wells carved by the gods themselves—deep enough to drown in, and yet you couldn’t look away.
You feel a strange restlessness in your chest, a stirring you can’t quite name. It isn’t admiration, nor fear, but something more complicated. Something heavier.
Marcus is unlike anyone you’ve ever known—unlike the indulgent senators with their honeyed words, unlike the cruel twin emperors whose laughter carries the sting of a whip.
He is a man of iron and fire, tempered by years of battle, yet beneath that hardened exterior lies something softer. Something… human.
And perhaps that’s what unsettles you most.
You’ve spent your life surrounded by women: your mother, Livia, with her quiet strength and unshakable loyalty; the other servants, who taught you to navigate the palace’s labyrinthine halls.
Men were distant figures, their power felt but never seen up close. Fathers, you’ve only heard about in stories—abstract concepts, not flesh and blood.
But Marcus is no abstraction.
He is real, tangible, a presence that feels larger than life yet undeniably mortal.
To see him, to feel him, is to glimpse a side of the world you’ve never known—a world shaped not by whispered orders or silent sacrifices, but by action, by conviction, by the weight of decisions made on the edge of a blade.
You shake your head, trying to banish the thoughts, but they cling to you like the scent of blooming jasmine in the garden. “It’s nothing,” you tell yourself, though your heart betrays you with its restless rhythm.
“Nothing at all,” you murmur, though even the words feel like a lie.
"Fata viam invenient | The fates will find a way."
summary: In the grandeur of ancient Rome, you are the secret daughter of Commodus, living a quiet life as a servant in the imperial palace. Everything changes when you meet General Marcus Acacius, Rome’s honorable and stoic leader.
Though devoted to duty and loyalty to the princess, Marcus is drawn to you in a way he cannot ignore. A forbidden passion ignites between you both, and an affair begins—one that threatens the very foundation of loyalty, power, and honor. As you fall deeper into your dangerous love for Marcus, each stolen moment becomes a fragile, dangerous secret.
warnings: 18+ only, 14 YEARS AFTER GLADIATOR 1, ANGST, Fluff, A LOT OF SMUT, Unprotected Sex, Exhibition Kink, Age-Gap, Ancient Rome, mentions of violence, Gladiators, Blood, Gore, Politics, Sexism, Forbidden Love, Loss of Virginity, mentions of death, Innocent and pure reader, Infidelity, more warnings will be added throughout the story
𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡
❝They call you Rome’s lion, her indomitable shield,
yet to me, you are the flicker of warmth
in a palace carved from ice.
Your hands are calloused from war,
but they cradle my soul with the tenderness of spring rain.
Your voice commands legions,
yet it whispers my name like a prayer,
as though the gods themselves might hear
and envy us our stolen moments.
If love were not a sin,
I would adorn you with laurel not for conquest,
but for the triumph of your heart over mine.
Yet here we linger, caught in the webs of empire,
where every glance is a rebellion,
and every touch a battle lost.
Ad te anhelo, quasi ad caelum ipsam,
(I long for you as though for the heavens themselves,)
but our stars burn too brightly,
and even the gods avert their eyes.
So I am to love you
as Rome loves her champions—
for eternally.❞
thꫀ ρᥣᥲᥡᥣเ᥉t! (on spotify) 🏛️
in love with marcus acacius
ꪑᥲ᥉tꫀɾᥣเ᥉t!🌞
Chapter I: "in her eyes shone the sweetness of melancholy."
Warnings: War, death, kidnapping, attempted escape, nudity, voyeurism, attempted assault, violence, hand jobs, oral sex (female receiving), loss of virginity, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, pull out game is strong, imprisonment, death by beheading, reincarnation, oral sex (male receiving), happily ever after
Comments: Sent to retrieve Caracalla's bride, General Marcus Acacius finds that you never agreed to marry the emperor. Falling in love with you on the journey back to Rome and discovering how dangerous that love could be.
A/N: Written before I saw the movie on Friday but just couldn't get it edited until now.
Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers
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|| MasterList || Marcus Acacius MasterList ||
Click Keep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says 'creator chooses not to use warnings'. You also agree that you're the right age to be consuming anything here.
“I am getting married.” Caracalla announces suddenly, surprising his generals as they crowd around the table that has the map of the empire laid out. “Congratulations, highness.” Marcus secretly feels sorry for whatever maiden has been coerced or picked to marry the spoiled ruler, but he nods respectfully. “We had not been aware that you had arranged a union.”
Caracalla grins. “That is why I need you, General Acacius.” He explains, pointing to a small kingdom on the edge of the Roman Empire. “My future empress is far enough away that I need you to fetch her.” He tells him. “Give her a proper escort to Rome.”
Marcus frowns slightly as he wonders what games the man is playing but it comes off as thoughtful instead of disrespectful. “Then I will gather my men and bring your bride to you.” He agrees, trying to imagine the spoiled, haughty girl that wants to be the empress of Rome.
****
You growl as your arrow misses the target. You’ve been training every day but you are still learning how to fight. Your father wants you to be prepared to defend your people when you become queen once he passes. Your instruction adjusts your arms, “you must concentrate. Your mind is not focused.” He murmurs and you narrow your eyes, focusing on your aim after you reload and you release, the arrow hitting its target. You grin, pleased with yourself, when you hear the horns. Soldiers come rushing towards you, “we must get you somewhere safe, Princess. The Romans are here.” Your eyes widen, “here? Why - why are the Romans here?” You ask, stumbling as they escort you inside and the battle begins outside to protect you and your kingdom from invasion.
****
Marcus wipes his brow, his skin covered in blood as he fights the men of this kingdom, knowing what his goal is, but they fight to protect their home. Why they fight when he was here to escort the princess to Rome, he doesn’t know but he had no time to ask when they attacked. He hears a battle cry and spins, swinging his sword to behead the man, his head rolling on the ground and Marcus’s chest heaves as the last of the men fall. He has won. Now, it’s time to meet the king and his daughter. The real reason he’s here.
“Do not cry, daughter.” Your father wraps his arms around your body to try to comfort you. He knows he will die, his army has been defeated by Rome and now the leader of that army will bring his head back to the emperor. “Show strength to our enemies so that they may know that we are not afraid.” The doors to the throne room are pushed open and a Roman soldier strides in, his walk confident yet weary. Covered in blood and dirt, he had not bothered to stop to clean up, eager to get this unpleasant task over with.
Marcus stands tall and watches you cling to your father. He says your name and your father frowns, “why do you want her? Surely my head is enough to satisfy the emperors.” Marcus frowns, “they informed me that she is to be empress to Caesar Caracalla. I thought this deal was arranged.”
Your father scoffs, “then why would my men fight?” He reasons and Marcus tilts his head, “I am following orders. She must come with me to Rome.”
Your eyes widen, “no. No. I will not. Father. Please.” You beg and he shakes his head, cupping your cheek, “be strong, daughter. Remember your training. Remember who we are.” He orders and nods to his men to grab you so he can step forward. “No! No!” You cry and your father kneels down before Marcus, “do what you must but know that I will curse the Roman Empire and her emperors.” He warns and Marcus swallows harshly, withdrawing his sword. “Make it quick.” Your father orders and you bury your face in the chest of the man holding you so you don’t see your father beheaded.
Marcus sighs as he lowers his sword. “I will not spill the blood of my future empress’s father.” He declares. The king is old and does not have too many years left, it is better to show you the mercy of Rome. Most of his soldiers are dead. “Your daughter will rule the world”, he tells the old man before he turns towards the man holding you. “Have her belongings packed and give them a few minutes to say their goodbyes.” He instructs, cursing Caracalla for what he has done. This is not a retrieval of a bride but a kidnapping.
You pull away from the men holding you, scrambling to kneel down next to your father and pull him close. You wrap your arms around him and he kisses your head, knowing he has no choice but to let you go. Your maids rush around to pack your things and soon, they are being loaded into the carriages that the Roman General brought to the palace. “You need to go.” Your father says and you shake your head, “no. No. What if - I do not know the emperor. He must be cruel. He must be, to have sent his army to destroy our people.” You choke, tears in your eyes.
“Men may think they rule the world but they do not. It is women who are smarter, emotionally stronger. They manipulate the men to do their bidding. Be like them. You may marry a man you do not love but you will be Empress of Rome. You will have power. Power is stronger than love.” Your father murmurs and wipes your tears away. “Be strong, daughter. Rule the world.” He orders and you nod, glancing over his shoulder to where the general waits for you.
“I love you.” You murmur to your father, knowing you’ll never see him again. “I love you too.” Your father nods, not letting you see how his heart is breaking. You try to step back but you don’t let go. Clinging to your father until the Romans step forward and grab you, dragging you away with a cry. You are carried onto a horse, the general swinging on behind you, and you sob as you are taken away from the only home you’ve ever known.
Marcus lets you cry, not bothering to offer you any platitudes or false words of comfort. He had just destroyed your home and stolen you away because his emperor wanted you. He’s sure Caracalla purposefully didn’t inform him that there had been no agreement, which angers him. Many good men had died for nothing. Marcus hands you a somewhat clean linen to blow your nose as he guides you farther and farther away from your home.
You don't say a word as you take the linen to blow your nose. You remain silent, refusing to give the General your voice as company while he begins the long journey back to Rome. Hours later, Marcus orders his men to set up camp when the sun starts to disappear beyond the horizon and he dismounts his stallion, holding his hands out to help you but you huff and kick his hands away, swinging your leg over to land on the ground with skills beyond a Roman woman. You have been raised around horses, taught to ride from a young age.
Marcus raises his brow at your stubbornness, secretly admiring it, but he knows that means you will cause trouble. He turns to his page and says, “have a bath prepared, I need to clean up, but allow our guest to bathe first.” He instructs. “She will be your future empress, so treat her with respect.”
You cross your arms and stubbornly stand there while his men work on setting up his tent and grabbing the tub that was carried on the cart at the back of the militia to prepare for you. You watch Marcus speak to his men, his body covered in the blood of your people and you clench your jaw. You don't wish to be empress to murderers, pillagers...monsters. You glance around, his men are busy and you see the horses are loosely tied up while they set up camp. You decide to take a chance. You run to the General's horse, swinging your leg over his back as you jump onto the horse, grabbing the reins to take off from the makeshift camp.
Marcus is talking to one of his men when he sees you jump onto the horse, his horse. “Shit!” The men start shouting and running towards you, spooking the other horses and causing chaos. He takes a second to admire your form, your ease in which you command the arrogant horse. Even if it’s no use. While his men scramble to stop you from escaping, Marcus plants his feet and sticks two fingers in his mouth. Emitting an ear piercing whistle that immediately makes his horse’s head rear up and change the direction he was running. Coming back to his general because he has been called.
You try to stop the horse, but he makes his way back to the general. You scramble off of him, jumping and falling into a heap. You hear footsteps towards you and you try to stand up, attempting to run but your arms are grabbed and you are pressed against the general. “Do not make another move, Princesa.” He growls, his knife pressed against your neck as his arm wraps around you and you hiss, sweat on your brow and you stop struggling, slumping in defeat.
Marcus hates how you look crumpled and broken, but he needs you to cooperate with him. Once you get to Rome, you can cause Caracalla all the headaches you wish, you will be his problem. Marcus just needs to deliver you to him safely. He softens slightly, pulling the knife away but he keeps his arm around you. “I don’t want to chain you up, but I will.” He threatens softly. “I would rather you make this easier on both of us.”
You nod, knowing you have no chance of trying to escape again if you are chained up. “Fine.” You murmur, inhaling deeply when he lowers his arms and his men gather around the horses, one of them taking the stallion back to the group. You are soon escorted into a tent, a bath full of hot water awaits you and you glance around at the soldier, “I will not strip with you standing there.” You declare with your chin raised up, “send a woman or leave me be.” You order and the soldier hesitates but steps out of the tent to speak to his superior.
Marcus sighs and dismisses his man before pulling the flap back and stalking into the tent. “There are no women here.” He tells you, making you snort. “I’ve seen the women.” You huff, crossing your arms and he frowns. “The camp whores.” He tells you bluntly. “Women who travel with the army to fuck my men. That is the kind of woman you wish to attend you?”
Your eyes widen and you shake your head. You’ve heard about the women of the night and their services but you know they are hungry for coin, for status, for power. He watches you shake your head, “then you will have to strip with a guardian. I cannot allow you to be alone since you’ll try and run again.” He says and you scoff, “you want me to display myself in front of your men? They will take what does not belong to them.” You spit and Marcus sighs, “then allow me to stand guard. I will turn my back.” He turns around to allow you modesty and you huff, unsure of when your next bath will be so you reach for the clip that holds your robes together, letting them drop to the floor, unaware that a mirror is in Marcus’s eye line.
He had meant to be true to his word, to allow you privacy, but the movement in the mirror had made him instantly tense. Anticipating an attack. Only to find your dress falling from your body and your beautiful tits on display to him. You are gorgeous, like one of the goddesses. He can see why Caracalla would send him to retrieve you for his own. He would want you, if he were in a position to have you. He clears his throat and looks away, only to be drawn back to the vision when you turn around to step into your bath.
You sigh as you sink into the water, not as hot as you like it but beggars can’t be choosers when you are facing your entire world being turned upside down. You see how tense the General is as you reach for the oils, bathing yourself with a soft hum. You want to show him you are unbothered by his presence.
Marcus keeps looking away and then finding his gaze coming back to the mirror. Watching as you slowly go through your bath. It’s incredibly sensual and his cock twitches under his tunic and armor. He has been a long time without a woman, and you are gorgeous with the fiery spirit Marcus likes.
You wash yourself, making sure you are clean for the arduous journey ahead and you stand up, reaching for the linen to wrap around yourself to dry off and Marcus is still turned away from you. You glance around, “I have nothing else to wear. I will need to redress.” You say and Marcus shakes his head, “there are tunics in the trunk. Mine but you’re welcome to one.” He says and you huff, walking over to open the trunk. You drop the linen to pull the tunic over your head.
It’s jarring to see you, to see any woman in his clothes, but Marcus grunts as he turns towards you. “Now I need to clean up.” He tells you, expecting you to demure and turn away so he can clean the dirt, sweat and blood off his skin and change into clean clothes.
You sit down on the chair that faces the bath and you stare at him, challenging him to strip off in front of you. You won’t shy away and give him the advantage even if he gave you the same courtesy. You want to irk him. Get inside his head. That’s your ticket to escape.
He watches you with a frown for a moment, but you just arch your brow and he snorts. Reaching for the thick leather ties of his chest plate to start stripping off the protective gear.
You watch the general that has stolen you from your home strip off. He’s strong, that’s evident in his form, but with each piece he removes, you see how war hardened he truly is. The deadly strength in his form has you shifting in your chair and when he pulls his tunic over his head, your throat goes dry at his exposed figure. His cock flaccid and you hate how your stomach twists at the sight of him.
He’s grateful that he’s got enough self control that his cock isn’t hard. You act like his body doesn’t affect you and he pretends like it’s nothing to be naked in front of you. “There are guards outside the tent.” He warns as he grabs his own linen and strides over to the bath, eager to clean up.
You roll your eyes at his warning and watch as he gets into the water, blood immediately turning the water red. You swallow at that. The blood of your men swirling in the water. “Is the Roman army always so brutal?” You ask, watching him wash the blood from his skin with the cloth that he grabbed.
“Your men attacked us.” Marcus reminds you. “We believed that we were simply fetching the emperor’s intended bride.” He sighs softly. “When they attacked us, we had no choice but to fight back, believing we were being drawn into a trap.” In truth, he regrets the bloodshed, and would have avoided it if he had known you were unaware of the emperor’s claim on your hand. “I don’t like killing needlessly.”
You swallow harshly, tears stinging in your eyes at the deception. Either by him right now or by the emperor you are intended to marry. “I never agreed to marry your emperor. I have never met him. What is he like? Is he cruel?” You ask, knowing some leaders can be too obsessed with themselves to do what’s right for their people.
“Sometimes.” Marcus tells you honestly. “He - has whims that drive him.” He knows that you could tell Caracalla and he would be angry at his general, but he also needs him to win the wars and claim the territories that he craves. “He will not like you running from him, he is used to being publicly adored.” He snorts, knowing how most really feel about the ruler.
You scoff and roll your eyes, “he sounds like a true Caesar. Self absorbed and focused on his own whims instead of helping the Romans achieve greatness. There’s no greatness in the vastness of the empire, there’s greatness within their people but from stories I have heard, they are starving. Taxed to their eyeballs and looking for salvation from anyone but their emperors.”
Marcus doesn’t confirm your comments, although they are true. “Then perhaps you as her empress can bring comfort to the people.” He tells you, continuing to wash. The water is murky now, but he feels better. He just needs to wash his back and his hair.
Your lip curls at the thought of marrying the emperor. You’ve heard rumors about him and his twin brother. How they make rash decisions based on emotions. “Perhaps I shall arrive and the emperor doesn’t deem me beautiful enough for his hand. Or maybe I will be too dumb. Or untameable. These are all things he should consider when picking a wife, no?” You tilt your head and look at the general’s back.
“You would think.” Marcus mumbles under his breath. “The emperor is very certain in his choices once he has made them.” Until he decides against them. He doesn’t tell you that, knowing it would be unfair to give you false hope. Caracalla wants you, so he will have you.
You huff, “I don’t know why he picked me. My lands are not conquered. My father will delegate someone to inherit the kingdom. I have nothing to offer.” You confess and Marcus grunts as he tries to clean his back. “
“I cannot claim to know what the emperor chose you.” He huffs, knowing he should have called his page into help. His muscles are sore from the fighting and he is not as limber as he might have been. He needs help to wash his back.
You see his struggle, your eyes glancing down to the knife that lays on the floor by the tub, clearly left there for him to use if needed. You see your chance. “I can assist you, General.” You say and stand up, kneeling next to the tub. He eyes you cautiously but hands the cloth to you. You grab the knife with your other hand and lean closer, starting to wash his back with the cloth. You see him relax slightly and decide to strike, dropping the cloth and bringing the knife up at the same moment.
Marcus reacts quickly, grabbing your wrist and squeezing it. “You want to kill me?” He growls, scowling at you. “Do it when you’re the empress.” He tells you. “Until then, remember that I hold your life in my hands.”
You drop the knife and he catches it with his free hand, placing it on the other side of the tub. “You’d never escape without my men delivering you to the emperor. They are on orders to take you there even if I’m dead. You’ll be delivered to the emperor. Dead or alive.” He warns even though he knows it would be his head if you are delivered dead but he won’t be looking over his shoulder the entire journey home. “Fine.” You hiss, “you’re a bastard.” You growl and he chuckles, “nothing I haven’t heard before. Now, you were washing my back?” He reminds you, handing you the cloth. You roll your eyes and continue washing his back, knowing you’ll need to make a new plan.
He can hear you fume and plot needlessly as you roughly swipe the linen over his skin. “It will take us several weeks to get back to Rome.” He reminds you. “I would rather this be a pleasant trip.”
His tone makes you clench your jaw but you know you can’t run yet. You decide to focus on your survival and you know the General is key to that. You clean his back, your eyes trailing down his chest to take note of the scars and blemishes on his skin. “You have been fighting a long time.” You observe, “you must be weary.”
Marcus hums, knowing that he is weary of war and watching men die. One day he will fall on the field of battle and his fight will be over. “It is a heavy burden to watch men die.” He tells you. “Or be the cause of their death.”
You nod, seeing the haunted look in his eyes, and you are taken back by it. You had heard about the General, whispers from men who returned from far away lands that the General was lethal but right now you see a man who is tired of war and tired of death. “I can only imagine the things you have seen.” You hand the cloth back to him now that his back is clean and you reach for the oils, deciding to help him wash his hair. Perhaps you can win him over with kindness.
“My hope is that because I have seen them, my children will not have to.” He murmurs, even though he has no children. He sighs and shakes his head. “It does not matter. Wars will always be fought.”
You pour the oils into your palms, rubbing them together and you slide your fingers through his strands, your fingertips turning red as you wash his hair. “War will always be a man’s game. If women ruled the world, there would be no war. Simply silence.”
“Women are smarter than men.” Marcus’ eyes slide closed as he leans back. “I have always thought so. You might not have the strength that I do, but you think differently.” He chuckles.
You smirk, picking up the jug to rinse his hair, “women have their power between their legs. Men’s weakness is between their legs.” You say and Marcus snorts, closing his eyes as you slide your fingers through his hair.
“My father - he’s a good man. I- I want to thank you for sparing his life.” You murmur, admiring the general up close. He has lines on his face but he’s handsome. “Do you have a wife? Children? Back in Rome?”
“No.” Marcus’s brow pinches together for a moment. “My wife died in childbirth many years ago.” He hasn’t talked about Marcella in a long time, but he feels like he owes you a little bit of himself after all he’s taken from you.
Your stomach drops and you find yourself feeling sorry for him. “I’m sorry. No words can ever take away the pain I imagine you must feel.” You whisper, finding a vulnerable part of the war hardened General.
“They are running through the Elysian Fields, waiting for me.” He murmurs. “Or with the gods.” He sighs. “Or just gone. I don’t know. But it was a long time ago.”
“I am certain they are at peace, waiting for you. You shall die in bed knowing they are there waiting.” You say and he shakes his head, “I shall die on the battlefield. Killed by a man my junior. I have accepted my fate.” He murmurs and you sigh, “and I will not accept mine.” You withdraw your hands from his hair and grab the linens for him to dry off. “I am tired and hungry. I wish for your men to bring me a tray.”
He cracks an eye open and watches you. “I cannot have you telling Caracalla that you were starved on the journey to Rome.” He snorts before he grips the sides of the tub and heaves himself up with a groan. Water sluices down his body and he steps out of the tub onto the carpets lining the floor of his tent. Taking the linen with a nod of thanks, he quickly dries himself off and wraps the cloth around his waist to move to the tent flap and opens it. “Bring food and wine.” He orders one of the guards. “Enough for me and our guest.”
Your eyes follow his form, the muscles in his back moving in a way that has your throat dry. You need wine. That’s all. Yet why did you find yourself wanting to strip the linen from his waist and see more of him? “Thank you.” You murmur, certain that his men are whispering. “You will need to be careful. I’m sure you do not want your men spreading rumors that you are nude and in a tent with the future empress. The emperor will not take kindly to not having a pure bride.”
He lifts a brow, amused and confused by your worry of his own safety. “I thank you for your concern.” He nods as he moves over to the trunk you had pulled a tunic out of to get his own. “Although I doubt Caracalla will believe that I seduced you.”
You raise your eyebrows, “and why is that? You are too loyal to your emperor to imagine you committing such treason? Or am I not pretty enough for the revered General Marcus Acacius?” You scoff, wondering why he is so loyal to his Caesar when it’s clear he is weary.
He snorts and shakes his head. “You misunderstand.” He tells you. “I am old, scarred.” He gestures to his body. “Not young or handsome, rich or powerful.” He doesn’t bring up his rank, because you don’t seem like a woman who would care about a generator. “Caracalla would believe that I was too unappealing to seduce someone of your beauty.”
His answer makes your stomach lurch and you stand up, walking over to him. He puffs out his chest, prepared for your attack, but instead, you slide your hand down his covered chest. “You are not old. You are experienced. You have wisdom. And you are handsome. Weathered but I guarantee you any woman would eagerly slide into your bed. Do not discount yourself, general. You are appealing. You could seduce if you wanted to.” You pull your hand away, “Caracalla sounds like a fool if he believes otherwise.”
Marcus knows you are trying a new tactic and he frowns slightly. Your words make his body tighten in need but he doesn’t reach for you. “Perhaps I appeal to some.” He concedes, stepping away from you and reminding himself that you are trying to escape. “I am not worried about who would want me in their bed.”
You frown when he steps back. You may have been trying to form an escape plan but you genuinely mean your words. You sigh and make your way over to the chair just as his men bring in food and wine. You are starving and you should wait to see if Marcus eats first but you highly doubt he’d poison you when his job is to deliver you to the emperor.
He thanks his men and pours two large cups of wine before handing you one. “Drink.” He murmurs softly. “It has been a long day for you and you will make yourself sick if you do not drink and eat.” The sadness that had made your heart hurt has now been replaced with a fiery glow and he has to admire it, even if he needs to squash it. The men carry out the tub silently and he sits down on the bed since there is not another chair. He will have to have one brought, but for now, he will give it to you.
You know you can’t starve yourself in protest, you’ll need your strength if you want to attempt an escape again. You pick up the cup, taking a sip and you have to admit the Romans know their wine. You look at the meat and cheese on offer, taking some in your free hand and you chew on it, watching Marcus as he sits on the bed. “Will I have to share the tent with you?” You ask and he snorts, “I cannot have you running off again.” You nod, strangely feeling safer being in his tent. You know his men would likely take advantage of you on your own. Men at war are monsters, and you feel better knowing the General whose head depends on delivering you safe to his Emperor, is the one sharing your tent.
Marcus relaxes as you start to eat. His body is weary and he is tired, but he still watches you to make sure you don’t try to run. “Did you have a man you were to marry?” He asks. “In your land? Is that why you would not want to be empress?”
Your eyes flick up to meet his and you stare at him for a moment. You shake your head, “no. I did not. Many asked for my hand but I wanted to learn as much about my kingdom as possible from my father, to be the best Queen I could be for them. I was focused on training and politics. Not men.” You confess, “the only man I spent time with was my stallion.” You tease, placing a grape into your mouth.
“A wise choice.” He chuckles and takes a sip of his wine. “Horses are far better than people.” He sighs softly. “For what it's worth, I am sorry that your life has been disrupted and changed.” He murmurs.
It’s clear he genuinely feels that way and you nod, “thank you. I appreciate you being so honorable. A rare trait nowadays.” You sigh and he nods in agreement. You continue eating in silence until it’s time to sleep. “Will I be sleeping on the floor?” You ask, seeing one bed and nothing else for you to lay down on.
Marcus shakes his head. “You will sleep on the bed, with me.” You huff and he lifts a brow. “I will not touch you, except to make sure you do not try to escape.” He tells you. “Would you rather be tied to the bed so I can sleep?”
“I didn’t know you were that way inclined, General.” You tease, knowing that having an attitude won’t get you anywhere. You sigh and make your way over to the bed. “If we are to be sharing a bed for weeks, I pray you do not snore.” You slide under the sheets and turn on your side, not wanting to watch him as he settles in.
Marcus sets his cup down and kneels in front of a small altar he has set up for the gods. Lighting the incense to burn through the night for the souls that had been lost today in battle. He closes his eyes and murmurs a prayer. “Keep my men safe, allow them to return to their wives and mothers.” He says, like he does every night. “If my life must be the sacrifice for that, let it be done with honor.”
You listen to his prayer and you frown, maybe he isn’t a monster. He is praying for his men to return home safely even if it means his death. It takes you back and you turn to look at him as he stands up from his kneeling position. “You are different from most men, General.” You murmur.
“I will take comfort in your words when you are cursing me for completing my task.” He frowns slightly. “The gods have forced us together and I can only hope that there is a reason for it.” He sees you shiver and frowns, “do you need another fur?” He asks, thinking you might be cold since the temperature is dropping now the sun has gone down. He runs hot so he doesn’t sleep with many blankets no matter how cold it gets.
You nod, shivering under the sheets and he grabs another fur from the trunk, placing it over you, and you watch as he slides under the sheets beside you. “Goodnight, princesa.” He murmurs and turns his back to you after blowing out the candle next to the bed. You watch him as he relaxes and you close your eyes, sleep finally taking you after a traumatic day.
Marcus stays awake for a long time, listening as your breathing evens out and he sighs. “Damn you, Caracalla.” He curses softly, knowing that he would have never fought your people if he had known you were never in agreement to marry the emperor. Guilt swirls in his stomach and he wonders what the other man will do with you once he has his prize.
You awake with a start, confused by your location until you realize where you are and what happened. You blink and your lower lip trembles but you refuse to cry. You wake up a little more and realize you have shifted in your sleep and you are curled into the chest of the General, his arm under your head, and you gasp at the way you somehow curled around each other during your slumber.
Marcus is awake, he has been for hours but he refused to move when you were nestled up against him and sleeping peacefully. “Sleep deep, princesa?” He asks, his voice rough with disuse.
You immediately shift away from him, sitting up, and you’re flustered. You had liked how it felt in his arms and that scares you. “I- I’m sorry.” You choke out, shifting away from him.
“Do not apologize.” He murmurs, missing the feel of your body against his. “It is natural to seek out comfort when you are vulnerable.” He sighs. “Even if you would not when you are awake.” He groans as he shifts to sit up. “Come, I will have water brought for you to clean up and give you a moment of privacy for you to use the pot.” He motions over to a screen that he had ordered set up for your comfort when nature calls.
He’s considerate and that takes you back. “Thank you.” You murmur and he nods, shifting to stand up with a groan. You watch him leave the tent after putting on his sandals to get his men to bring water and you use the pot during his absence. His men bring water and you clean off behind the screen and Marcus returns with food and drink. It takes a while for his men to pack up camp but Marcus looks at you when you stand by his stallion. “I’d offer you a hand up but I know you are more than capable.” He says and you chuckle, reaching for the saddle to swing yourself up onto his stallion, wearing a new tunic from his trunk.
Marcus tries not to stare at your legs, his tunics much shorter than the dresses you have undoubtedly packed away in your things. Instead of saying something, he takes his cloak off and drapes it over your legs for warmth and privacy. “My men are not used to seeing such a beautiful woman.” He explains so you do not take offense before he pulls himself up behind you and takes the reins.
You scoff, “no need for flattery, General, I am willingly on your horse. I am not running away.” You lean back against him a little as he flicks the reins to move the stallion forward.
“No flattery, but the truth.” He hums in your ear. “The whore’s fuck them. But you are beautiful, untouched. Legs on display, you will have my men fighting to touch you and then I will have to kill them.”
“To preserve my innocence for the emperor.” You murmur, turning your head and your face is so close to his. Your eyes focused on him as he blindly controls the horse. “Yes.” He rasps and you hum, “you serve your emperor well, General. Many never see loyalty as strong as that in their lifetime. I wonder what would cause you to break that loyalty, make you throw your morality to the wind.”
He doesn’t answer, knowing that you don’t expect a reply. The army moves slowly and there are times that Marcus stops with you to let you attend to your needs before catching back up with the other officers. Many horses come up to him while you ride, asking questions or informing him of different things, but Marcus handles all of them with ease and grace, aware that the road is weary for everyone.
The sun beating down on you has you weary and you find yourself leaning back against the general, closing your eyes, and his arm wraps around you to keep you in place when you fall asleep. He’s spoken to you about Rome, answered your questions, and you have told him about your people, your lands, in between riders offering him questions or information.
Marcus looks down at you and sighs. He should slow the travel down. You are exhausted and he knows Caracalla will be less than pleased if you arrive worn out. He motions for his men to approach and speaks quietly. “We will make camp early every night.” He decides. “It will take longer to get home but the men will be better rested.” He isn’t doing it for the men, but for you. Perhaps by that time, you will have accepted your fate as empress. “Have the scouts find a place to rest for the night.”
Marcus shakes you awake gently when the horse has stopped moving. You gasp, reality hitting you once again, and you fluster, realizing that you fell asleep on him yet again. “I seem to be creating a habit. I’m sorry. You are welcome to wake me any time.” You say and he tuts, “you need your rest, princesa.” You don’t argue and you see the men starting to prepare camp. “I wish to have another bath.” You say and Marcus nods, swinging his leg over the horse and he holds his arms out for you to help you down. This time you allow it, his large hands gripping your waist as you are helped down from the horse and your chest is pressed against his, your head slightly tilted towards his face. “Thank you, General.” You murmur, patting his chest plate and stepping back, hating how your heart pounds at his proximity.
His dark eyes watch you. “You are welcome.” He nods and hands the reins of his horse off to one of the men. “Would you like for one of your trunks to be brought to my tent, or would you like to keep wearing my clothes?” He smirks slightly as he asks, secretly enjoying the way you look in his tunics.
You smirk, “I suppose I should wear my own clothes so you can have your cloak back during the rides.” You tap his chest plate, “I also would like to wear something that reminds me of home.” You murmur and he nods, calling over one of his men to retrieve your trunks. It doesn’t take long for the men to step up camp and you enter Marcus’s tent, grateful to be out of the sun, and you walk over to your trunk to open it, gathering the oils you wish to use for bathing.
The tub is brought into the tent by three men and set in the middle of the space. “We will bring hot water as quickly as it boils.” A young boy of fifteen informs you with a small blush. “The general ordered the water to be hotter than it was yesterday.”
“Thank you.” You tell the boy, knowing his mother must be worried sick about him wherever she is. You know Marcus is speaking to his men and won’t return until you are done with your bath. Two men return with pails full of steaming hot water and you thank them, watching them leave after they fill the tub. You’re just about to remove your tunic when the tent flap opens and one of the men return. “Did you forget something?” You ask and he chuckles darkly, “I wanted to see what the fuss is all about. Why did we lose men to retrieve you as our future empress? You must have a cunt made of gold.” He says and you try to open your mouth but he covers it with his palm, his other hand grabbing your waist to drag you against him. Your training kicks in and you bite down on his hand while elbowing him in the side, making him choke, and you rush out the tent, screaming for Marcus.
Marcus is talking with his men when he hears a scream of his name and instantly knows it’s you. His eyes dart towards the tent even as he draws his sword, lurching forward to race towards you as he sees your figure darting from between the tent and the men, looking behind you with an expression of pure terror. He sees one of his men chasing after you and he would have believed that you were trying to escape again if it weren’t for that scream and that you are racing towards him. When he reaches you, he throws his arm around your waist and drags you behind him roaring the name of the soldier as he plants his feet as a barrier between you and the other man. “What the fuck is going on?”
You cling to him, feeling safe with him in front of you. “He - he grabbed me in the tent. Came back alone and I tried to scream but he covered my mouth. He was - he said he wanted to know why I was chosen as empress. Said he wanted to know if I had a cunt made of gold.” The soldier scoffs, “she’s lying. She tried to escape. Bit my hand when I tried to stop her and she’s a lying cunt.”
“If she was trying to escape, she would not have screamed my name or run towards me.” Marcus growls, furious that one of his men would try to harm you. He points his sword at the man. “Tell the truth now or your death will be slow and painful.” He warns.
The soldier scoffs and rocks on his feet, his eyes narrowed towards you. “As if any man here would deny wanting to feel a virgin cunt around their cock? And the future empress? Fuck the Emperor and his ridiculous wars. We lost men retrieving this bitch. I wanted to see if she was worth the sacrifice.” He confesses, looking around to see if any of the others would back him up.
Marcus waits, giving the men time to speak up and voice their opinions but everyone is quiet. Feet shuffle and leathers creak as they stand and wait for their general’s wrath. He rocks his jaw. “I have lost men for a cause I would never have agreed with.” He admits. “But that is not her fault. And I have never condoned rape.”
The soldier scoffs, “men have taken what isn’t theirs throughout history. We need to remember that. Perhaps the General wants to save her for himself? That’s why he is kept in his tent.” The soldier digs a deeper hole and you step around Marcus. “I never asked to be taken from my home, from my people. I am sorry you lost men, so did I. I never asked for this and I certainly never asked to be taken against my will.” You stand tall, not letting the men see you are afraid.
Marcus lets you speak, knowing that it is your right. “You dared to try to defile the future empress of Rome.” He reminds the man. “Dishonoring your house, your name.” He reaches out and pulls you behind him again and steps forward. “The gods will judge you.” He declares, his sword coming up with a quick swing of his arms and he beheads your attacker without any hesitation. The headless body stands for a moment before collapsing onto the ground as his head rolls away. “Any man who seeks to take what is not his will be given the same.” His voice lifts and his words are stern. He looks back at the body and spits on it before dropping his sword.
You don’t flinch at the sight of the beheaded man. You’ve witnessed worse as the Princess of your kingdom. You never shied away from the horrors of war, knowing that you needed to experience it to lead your men. Marcus grabs your arm but you’re not scared of him as he escorts you to his tent. He releases your arm as soon as the flap to the tent closes and you turn to face him. “I’m sorry.” You spit out, worried that he’s angry with you.
“Did you try to seduce him?” Marcus demands and you hiss in anger. “No! I did not try to seduce him!” You look angry, but he can tell you are being truthful. “Then you have no reason to be sorry, princesa.” He responds quietly. “He made his decision to act like he did and it cost him his life. You did not cause it.”
You nod, knowing he's being reasonable, and you sigh, glancing at the bath. "I would like to bathe now." You say and Marcus has the man's blood splattered on his face. "You need to as well." You observe and he nods, "I will leave you." He says and you reach for his hand, "no. Can you - can you stay? I don't want to be alone." You plead softly and he nods, looking down at your hand. He turns his back to give you your privacy and you undress, sinking into the water.
Rage arms in his veins and he doesn’t dare to look into the mirror right now. Afraid of his own reaction. He hasn’t killed the man because he had attacked the future empress, he had killed him because he had dared to touch you. The possessiveness that is silent in his system is not good and he clenches his fists as he takes several deep breaths to calm himself down.
You slide your oils along your skin and it hits you. A sob escapes your lips as the reality of the past few days hits hard. You have been taken from your home, nearly watched your father be killed, nearly assaulted, and you are to marry a man you've never met. Your emotions run high and you sob, tears dropping into the water.
Marcus hears your muffled sobs and they rip at his heart. “You’re safe, princesa.” He says roughly, thinking you are overwhelmed from your attack. “No one will harm you while I live.”
His words wrap around you and you feel safe with the man tasked to take you. You are conflicted and your sobs calm, inhaling deeply as you wash your face, "thank you, Marcus." You murmur, watching his back as he stands guard.
“And I am sorry.” He confesses softly, feeling more like himself now. He doesn’t turn around and watches the tent flap for any movement outside. His back is tense as he stays turned away from you and you wash quickly, standing up, and you wrap the linen around your form. “You can look now.” You say, certain that he wants to wash off the blood of the dead soldier. “I have oils you can use.”
“Thank you.” He nods his head and starts to strip, not realizing his body is still hard. His cock jutting up in frustration and arousal. He knows you are not looking, so he doesn’t bother to turn away as he strips down.
You turn towards the tub at the same time he’s stripped and stepping in. His cock hard and your eyes widen. You have never seen a man naked like that before and it has your face heating up. “I have - the oils.” You choke, holding them out to him as he sinks into the water.
He sees how wide your eyes are and looks down. “Forgive me, princesa.” He murmurs, reaching out slowly to take the oils. “It sometimes happens on its own.” He confesses. “You don’t need to worry that I will act like the man I just killed.”
You shake your head, “no. No. I know. I just - I’ve never seen - you are beautiful.” You murmur, knowing he wouldn’t hurt you. Whether that’s for the emperor’s sake or yours, you don’t know, but you know he hasn’t harmed you.
His eyes watch you, surprised that you are saying such things to him. At least you don’t fear him. “I am just a man.” He tells you. “Thank you.”
You shake your head, “you’re a good man. You could’ve treated me badly, let your men touch him, maybe even taken me for yourself, but you didn’t. You’re a good man, Marcus.” You murmur, shifting to kneel by the tub.
He shakes his head. “Don’t praise me too quickly, princesa.” He growls softly. “You don’t know what I have thought, imagined.” His fingers curl around the edge of the tub and he looks back at you after looking away.
You frown, tilting your head in curiosity, “tell me what you’ve thought, imagined. Perhaps it will tarnish my opinion of you but I need to know.” You say, knowing you cannot hide from the truth. It’s better to face reality when you are on a journey to marry a man you do not know.
“Touching you.” Marcus confesses. “Taking you, for my own, seizing your innocence and showing you what it is like to have a man between your thighs.” He swallows harshly. “Not to have you as a prize but to experience your fiery passions and see what you could be.”
His words immediately make your stomach twist, your cunt clenching around nothing in a feeling not entirely foreign to you. You shuffle closer, placing your hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. “I had a dream earlier. When I was riding on your horse. The rhythm of the horse and you pressed against me…I imagined you inside me, taking me without anyone knowing.” You confess and slide your hand lower, your eyes watching him for any protest as your hand trails until you are wrapping your fingers around his cock. He chokes, “you don’t-” You shush him, “let me touch you, General. Show me what to do.”
He should push your hand away, refuse you, but he feels frozen in place. His cock twitches in your hand, making the water ripple slightly and you gasp while tightening your grip on him. His hand slowly uncurls from the edge of tub and he covers your hand with his much larger one and he groans softly when he starts to slowly guide you in how to stroke him.
You are fascinated by the look on his face. He looks wrecked already and you love that you are making him feel this way. You squeeze him when his hand tightens around yours, setting the pace he wants.
“You don’t-“ Marcus closes his eyes and pants slightly. “It’s- just like that.” He tells you, knowing that you will do what you like and he’s too worked up to deny you.
You don’t listen to his protest because you want to do this. “You should know by now that I never do anything I don’t want to do, General.” You smirk and continue pumping his cock.
He knows that, he knows it very well. He lets go of your hand and lets you control his pleasure as you stroke. “Admire that.” He grunts.
You feel empowered by the way he groans, withering under your touch. This powerful general is moaning your name and you control his pleasure. It’s intoxicating and makes you wet as you control this part of your destiny. “I know. You are unlike any man I’ve ever known. So strong. So powerful. Yet you don’t abuse your position. I admire that.”
He groans softly. “Real power doesn’t require abuse.” He had learned that from Marcus Aurelias and Maximus when he was younger and he had never forgotten it.
You continue pumping him, moving your hand a little faster and his hand falls away to grip the side of the tub, his neck elongated when he throws his head back. You can’t help but lean in to kiss the skin there.
The groan he gives you is almost pained, pleasurable in the most gut wrenching way. He says your name again, trying not to rock his hips up as you touch him. “That’s it, princesa.” He praises.
You kiss his neck, loving how you can feel his pulse beneath your lips while you squeeze his cock, instinctively twisting your wrist as you pump his cock. You want him to fall apart for you.
Marcus gasps out your name softly and he feels his body tense. Knowing that he is about to cum, he locks eyes with you.
You look at him, loving the way his lip curls slightly and you pump his cock. feeling it pulse in your grip and finally, he lets out a low groan of your name. Spurts of cum hit the back of your hand and his stomach and you watch him in fascination and arousal.
He rides out his orgasm with a groan and reaches down and stops your hand. “Princesa- you have to stop.” He tells you, wondering what you thought of the first time you touched a man.
His plea makes you chuckle and you loosen your grip on his cock, letting it soften against his belly, and you reach for the cloth to wash his skin. “You look so beautiful when you fall apart.” You murmur, caressing his cheek with your other hand.
“I should not have let you touch me.” He murmurs softly. “But there is something about you that makes me reckless.”The emperor would have him killed if he ever found out, but Marcus can’t find it in himself to care right now. “Did you enjoy making me weak?”
You lower your hand and dry your other hand off on the linen, still kneeling by the tub. “I did.” You smirk at the relaxed look on his face, “here are the oils.” You hand him one, “I’m sure you want to clean up after an arduous day.” You say and you offer him a shy smile now that the lust has passed from his eyes.
Marcus frowns for a moment before he takes the oils from your hand. “Thank you.” He should touch you, to give you the same pleasure, but you don’t seem to be wanting it. “I try to be clean when I sleep.” He tells you. “I rest better.”
You nod, shifting to stand up and you grab a tunic from his trunk, letting the linen drop from your body to pull his tunic over your head, letting him see your bare back and ass. You feel his eyes on you and that makes you smirk as you turn to face him while he washes off with the oils you gave him.
He feels like it’s deliberate, you wearing his tunic again. “You like my clothes.” He notices how you show off slightly, twisting as flaunting the shorter hem with a smirk on your face. “And you wonder why I view you as mine.” He snorts.
“They are more comfortable than my clothes.” You confess, brushing down the hem, “and I like that they are yours.” You add, making your way over to his bed to sit down, watching him rinse off and he shifts to stand up, water dripping from his form and you unashamedly drag your eyes down his body. “It makes me think that I’m yours.”
He stares at you for a moment. “I could give you pleasure.” He offers, wanting to touch you. “You would stay pure and still know what it’s like to have a man touch you.” It’s a risky offer, but he wants to have some claim over you right now.
His offer makes your body warm and you arch as he reaches for linen to dry himself off after he steps out the tub. He steps towards you once the linen is wrapped around his waist and you shift to kneel on the bed, reaching for the hem of his tunic to remove it. You pull it over your head and toss it to the floor, “touch me, Marcus. I want to know what it’s like.” You order, knowing you should hate the man who kidnapped you from your home but you want him, he’s unlike anyone you’ve ever met.
His gaze is focused, intense as he admires your body. “You are beautiful.” He growls, eyes roaming from your tits to your thighs, drinking in the sight of the curls that cover your cunt. “Lay back and spread your legs.” He orders. “Close your eyes to start.”
You follow his order, laying down on the pillows of his bed. Your heart is pounding and your stomach twists with anticipation when you spread your legs, allowing him to see your wet folds. “Close your eyes.” He reminds you and you close them, shivering in anticipation.
Marcus comes over to the bed and slides his hand up your thigh and holds your waist while he leans in and presses his lips to yours gently. Kissing you softly for your first kiss and capturing your gasp and sliding his tongue into your mouth when you open up slightly.
You reach up to cup his cheek, unsure of what to do. You’ve never kissed anyone before and you find yourself too eager, knocking your nose against his. He chuckles against your lips and tilts his head, sliding his tongue back into your mouth and you moan, keeping your eyes closed.
You yield to him, giving him a sense of conquest because he knows you would not just give in to anyone. His hand slides up and cups your breast as he breaks off the kiss to move his lips down your body. “Princesa, I will make you moan in pleasure and shake apart on this bed.” He promises right before he wraps his lips around your other nipple as he squeezes your tit in his hand.
You gasp, tangling your fingers in his damp hair while he bites and sucks on your nipple. “Oh gods.” You moan, your cunt clenching around nothing and you love these sensations. It’s more than you’ve ever felt. He releases your nipple with a pop and switches to the other one, making you whimper, your legs spreading wider to accommodate him between your thighs.
Marcus kneels between your spread thighs. Kissing and flicking his tongue against your sensitive nipples and switching back and forth between them. Until your legs are pressing against his hips and your whimpers have become loud. He can smell the arousal from how wet you are becoming and he bites down on your hard nipple before pulling off of it and kissing down your stomach. “Your cunt aches, doesn’t it?” He asks, wedging his shoulders between your thighs and hooking your legs over them. “Throbs?”
You nod, lost in the haze of the pleasure he’s already given you. You open your eyes to look down at him, his dark eyes fixed on your cunt and you whimper again. “It does. I- I need - I don’t know. Your fingers. Anything.” You beg a little, chest heaving as you try to catch your breath.
“Nothing but my tongue inside you.” He promises, knowing he can’t risk your innocence that way. He knows he can make you cum on his tongue. “Now you can watch.” He smirks. “Watch as I service you, show you what it feels like to have your cunt eaten.”
You watch him kiss your thigh, his breath washing hot over your cunt and you can’t stop the whine that escapes your lips. “Please, Marcus.” He chuckles and grips your thigh, keeping you spread open as he leans in to slide his tongue through your folds. The sound that escapes you is almost inhuman. You’ve never felt the wet, hot glide of a tongue there and it makes you cry out.
Your scent is almost as intoxicating as your taste. Marcus groans heavily as he takes another taste with a swipe of his tongue. Settling in to bury his face in your cunt and devour you completely. It has been a long time since he has tasted a woman and you make him ravenous.
His tongue carves a path no one else has taken and your back arches as the pleasure clouds your mind. You love it. You moan his name and tangle your fingers in his hair, letting him decide how he’s going to ruin you with his tongue.
Marcus focuses on your sounds. Sliding his tongue and flicking it to pull the prettiest sounds from you and repeating the actions when you obviously enjoy it. He loves how you are giving yourself into his care and letting him show you these pleasures. Claiming a piece of you that you could never give someone else because it is his.
Your hips rock up unconsciously trying to chase his tongue but he throws his arm over your waist, keeping you still so he can push his tongue into your dripping cunt. “Oh fuck.” You curse, “Marcus. That - it feels so good.” You almost choke on your words, overwhelmed by the feelings.
He hums against your folds, his nose pressed against your clit as he works his tongue deeper inside you. Feeling the way your walls try to clench down around him and he knows you would feel exquisite around his cock, but he can’t take your innocence.
He works you higher and higher with each swipe of his tongue. His broad shoulders stretch you wide for him to have access to all of you and he sucks on your clit, making you cry out loud enough that you’re certain his men hear you.
Marcus pulls his head away and smirks at you. “Not so loud, princesa.” He coos teasingly. “The men already think I am keeping you for myself.” He dives back into your folds after you slap your hand over your mouth to muffle your sounds.
You love how he’s claiming you like this. You want the men to know you are being kept by him but you understand how that’s dangerous for you both. You feel your stomach twist with a foreign feeling, clenching and your thighs tighten as the feeling spreads until you are moaning into your hand as you fall apart for him.
Marcus continues to suck on your clit, watching you with a possessive gaze and feeling his cock harden again. He can’t take you, but he wants you to enjoy every second of pleasure that courses through your veins. Pulling away when you are whimpering, before it turns to pain, he kisses your clit once more. His mouth is soaked with your juices and he licks his lips. “Beautiful, princesa.”
You whimper, overly sensitive to his touch and you run your fingers through his hair, loving how he looks ravenous still. “I wish you could fully claim me.” You confess breathlessly, “fill me up.”
“I cannot.” He comes up and presses his lips to your softly. “Not because I do not want to.” He promises. “I would not put you in that kind of danger.”
You sigh, nodding in understanding that the emperor would want a pure woman for empress otherwise you’ll likely be killed. You caress his cheek and swing your leg over his, feeling his hardening cock against your thigh. “Do you want me to-?” You ask but he shakes his head, reaching for your wandering hand to bring it to his chest. “No. Let’s rest. We have a long journey ahead of us.” He murmurs and kisses your forehead when you curl into his chest. “Goodnight Marcus.” You whisper and he hums, “goodnight, princesa.”
****
Everyday, he pleasures you with his mouth, spending more and more time with you wrapped around him as you muffle your cries. Sometimes even risking touching your clit while you are riding to the next encampment. He talks with you outside the bed, having thoughtful conversations and learning about you. Falling for you. You are sexy and intelligent, far too good for the spoiled emperor, but it is not his decision to make.
You blink as you awaken before Marcus. A rare opportunity. You look at him as he sleeps, the sheets and furs at his waist and his arm is under you, making your heart flutter. You’ve fallen for the man tasked with bringing you to the emperor. He’s strong, brave, smart, and not to blame for your kidnapping. He’s loyal and follows orders but he’s been in your bed, pleasuring you. You see his hard cock, tenting the sheets and you whimper, still wet from your nightly routine of him eating your cunt. You move slowly, not wanting to startle him, and you shift to straddle him. He doesn’t awaken and you smirk, deciding to take action when he won’t. He clearly wants you and he’s too rigid to take what is already his. You shift the sheets down and grip his cock, hovering naked over him, you decide to take your fate into your own hands and position him at your entrance. You sink down, watching his brow furrow as he stretches you out with his cock.
Marcus groans at the pleasure of his dreams, although night spent dreaming of being buried in your cunt. Of filling you until you are round with his child and keeping you. Your weight shifts and you hiss slightly, breaking through his sleep until his eyes open. Marcus grabs your hips, gasping your name as he tries to lift you off his cock before the damage can be done but all he manages is to bury himself deeper as he lurches up. “What have you done? Princesa-“ he chokes out, unable to say anything else as the weight of your actions washes over him. You are no longer pure.
You giggle, bending over to kiss him softly, “I don’t care. I want you. I don’t give a shit if the emperor knows I’m pure or sullied. I will claim I had lovers in my kingdom. He sent you so far away to claim me with no knowledge of my purity. I want you, Marcus. I’m yours. All of me.” You promise, kissing his chin as you adjust to his cock inside of you.
He closes his eyes and sighs softly, hands sliding up your back gently, caressing your spine. “He doesn’t deserve you.” He murmurs quietly. He loves you, he has completely been ensnared by your grace and beauty, your brilliance and your strength. “I am yours, princesa. Completely.”
You grin, pecking his lips, “I love you, General.” You promise and start to move on top of him. “Show me. I don’t - this is all new to me.” You murmur, reaching for his hands to bring them to your hips, wanting him to guide you.
“Does it hurt?” He frowns slightly and you roll your eyes and clench down around him. “No, it feels incredible.” You promise breathlessly. “Good.” Marcus hums. “Riding a man is similar to riding a horse.” He flashes you a grin. “Roll your hips and keep your seat.”
You furrow your brow in concentration and work on rocking your hips like you’re riding a horse. You tense your thighs and moan when the sensation makes your spine tingle. “Oh gods.” You choke, “you feel so big inside me.” You grab his hand to place it on your belly so he can feel himself pressing against your womb.
Marcus growls in pleasure, watching you with dark eyes and tensing underneath you. “You feel perfect around my cock, princesa. So tight.” He rocks his hips up slightly and makes your tits bounce.
You moan when he rocks his hips up and you fall forward onto his chest, your hands pressed against his pecs and you rock back onto his cock. He feels incredible inside you and you love it. He feels like everything you’ve imagined since you started an intimate relationship with him. “Fuck.” You curse, feeling him twitch inside you and he grabs your hips, keeping you still so he can thrust up into you. “Ohhhh.” Your moan is garbled as you let him fuck you and it has your body tensing. You clamp down on his cock, eyes squeezed shut at how good it feels.
He can’t spill inside you. He can’t risk planting his seed in your womb. He plants his feet on the bed and holds you tight. “Cum for me.” He growls. “Cum, princesa.”
His words tip you over the edge, crying out as you collapse against his chest. Cunt spasming around his cock as you soak him.
Marcus flips you over, needing to be in control so that he can pull out of you when he’s about to cum. Now that you have seen the stars, he starts to hammer into you ruthlessly. Groaning your name as he fucks you.
You watch him, jaw clenched as he fucks into you hard and fast. You are pushed up the bed and the sheets shoved to the floor as he fucks you. You cling to him, scratching down his back as he prolongs your orgasm and you want him to cum for you. “Shit, I need - want to see you cum.”
“Have to- have to pull out.” He pants, neck straining and he grits his teeth. “Fuck.” He hisses, loving how wet and tight you are. How you fit around him like armor. He rocks his hips another half dozen times and when you nip his jaw with your teeth, he’s pulling back. Quickly pulling out of your cunt and throbbing against your belly as he paints your skin with his seed. “Fuuuuuuuck.”
You can’t deny you’re disappointed he didn’t fill you up but you know it’s too risky. Arriving in Rome full of his baby would be a death sentence and you reach between you, pumping his cock to wring him dry with a moan of his name in the aftermath of your pleasure.
Marcus rocks his hips into your grip until every drop of his cum is painting your skin. “I love you, princesa.” He murmurs softly, leaning in and kissing your lips before he shifts off of you to collect a linen to clean you up.
“I love you too, my General.” You murmur, watching him as he carefully cleans your skin. You love him. That much is clear and you don’t know what the days ahead hold for you but you know you must let him go when the time comes. For both your sakes. For now, you’ll enjoy the journey to Rome.
****
“Princesa-“ Marcus wakes with a groan as you slip into his bedchambers he has been graciously given until the wedding between you and Caracalla. The emperor had been very pleased with your arrival and had arranged feasts and games in honor of the upcoming nuptials. All arranged to best his brother and to show off the extravagance of Rome. Tonight, Marcus had drank too much heavy wine during the feast, trying to drink his sorrows away since you will be marrying the emperor in two days time. “You should not be here.” Every night since arriving, you have snuck into his bed and every night he reminds you that this is risky. Even as he is pulling you towards him, he knows he should push you away. You are already naked, having stripped before slipping into his bed.
“I know but I need you, Marcus. We don’t have a lot of time left before I am in Caracalla’s bed. You are dreading marrying the emperor. He’s childish, selfish, and clearly deranged. You do not want to marry him but you have no choice. He’s already threatened you when you pushed back on the wedding being so soon. You straddle him, leaning down to kiss his lips, “take me, Marcus. I want you to claim me. Show me that I belong to you.”
He cannot deny you, not when his own heart aches so fiercely because of your fates. “I love you.” He promises, reaching up and cupping your cheek as he wraps his other arm around you to roll you into your back. “You are mine. I have touched you in ways no other man ever has.”
You look up at him, your heart pounding in your chest, and you ache for him. You want to be in his bed every night. You want to be his. You don’t give a damn about being empress, you want to be his wife. Even without a title. You’re wet for him already, having thought about him all day, and he groans when he slides the head of his cock through your folds.
“Mine, princesa.” Marcus promises with a groan as he starts to push into you slowly. Rolling his hips as he savors the feel of breaking you open again. No matter how often you have had sex, he is obsessed with the way your body gives under the pressure of his cock against your walls.
You take him like you’re made for him and you think you are. You are destined for each other but unable to be together. Star crossed lovers. You throw your head back as he rocks into you, his lips finding your neck and you grip his shoulders, “I love you.” You gasp, wrapping your legs around him.
“Isn’t this sweet?” Dread races down Marcus’s spine as he hears a voice that makes him freeze above you. The voice of his emperor. Twisting his head, he finds Geta smirking as he strolls into the light from a corner of the room. “You love each other.” He hums mockingly, eyes alight with manic glee. “I told my brother that there was something between you, but he didn’t believe me.” Anger flashes across the man’s face before it’s replaced with nonchalance. “Now he will.” He declares before he raises his voice. “Guards!”
You cry out as Marcus pulls out of you and is immediately ripped off of you, guards grabbing him and you try to scramble from the bed but the guards grab your legs, pulling you back and you scream as you are held naked in front of Geta who walks over to you and grips your chin. Your lip curls in disgust and he chuckles, “my brother thought he was so clever, bringing a foreign princess to marry. He hoped you’d be pliable, dutiful, obedient. You wouldn’t be corrupted by the pleasures of Rome but it appears our great General has shown them to you. Taken you as his own despite his emperor’s orders. You’re nothing but a foreign whore.” Geta scoffs and you can’t help it. You spit at him and he hisses, his hand coming up to slap your cheek.
“Don’t touch her!” Marcus barks, but the men who are holding him are not his own soldiers, loyal to him. They are loyal to Geta, to Caracalla. The emperor turns towards Marcus with a raised brow and a smirk on his face. “I believe those were your orders, General.” He snorts. “You disobeyed.”
Your cheek stings but you don't let Geta see you cry, knowing this means your death. You doubt the Emperors will allow this to pass without punishment but you will not be a withering flower. You'll stand strong until the last moment.
“I seduced her.” Marcus confesses, hoping that you might be spared from execution. “Take my life and spare her.”
"No!" You cry and try to move but the guards keep you against them. "No. I - I let him seduce me. I should've kept my legs shut. He's a man. He took what was offered. Take me. Not him." You plead, knowing Rome needs him. They never needed you. Marcus shakes his head and Geta chuckles, his lips pouting, "awwww the lovers want to die for each other. No need. You'll die together. In front of Rome." He promises and looks to the guards, "take them to the cells."
Marcus starts to struggle, shouting at Geta and the men until he is hit over the head with a sword and crumples to the ground unconscious. Dragged away without any consideration as you are pulled out of the room, still naked, to be taken to the cells beneath the palace.
You are dragged down to the cells and you are pushed into one, thrown on the floor without any clothes given to you. You hear the door to the cell next to you open and your eyes widen, knowing Marcus will be there. You wait until the footsteps of the guard fade and you rush up to the door, gripping the bars. "Marcus." You call, hoping he is awake and can hear you, "Marcus."
Marcus groans, head pounding but he hears you call his name again. “Princesa.” He chokes out, stumbling to his feet and managing to make it to the door. His head is bleeding and his eyes can’t focus, but he doesn’t care about that. “Are you hurt?” He demands.
"No. No. Are you okay?" You ask, wanting to hear that he's not in pain. "I'm fine. Nothing I can't handle." He says and you rest your forehead against the bars, "how do we escape?" You ask, hoping he has a plan.
Marcus closes his eyes. “We don’t.” He admits quietly. “My men have been sent home, everyone here is loyal to the emperors.” He sighs. “I failed you, Princesa.”
You choke on a sob, the reality of your fate hitting you and you sink down against the door, resting your back against it. "I wish things were different. We never should have come to Rome. We could've gone back to my lands. You could've been my prince and we - we would get married, have children. We could've - we could've died in old age, in peace."
“Not in this life, my love.” Marcus knows that he must face death with strength, but tears slip down his cheeks for you. “In another life, perhaps.” He closes his eyes. “I will search for you.”
You nod even though he can't see you, "in another life. I'll love you even in death, my General. I'll find you in the next life." You promise, "I'll never stop searching." You sob and before you know it, you hear footsteps from the hall and your heart pounds. "Marcus!" You cry and you back up when the door is pushed open. "It's okay. What are you doing?" He growls when he's pushed back into the cell. "You will bathe and dress. You'll be brought in front of the emperors." The guards order and a tub is brought in, a handmaid bringing your clothes to dress you and do your hair.
Marcus prays that Caracalla has overruled Geta. That he will spare your life. “Do what they say.” He orders you softly. “Do what you must to survive.” He knows his own life is forfeit but if you live, he will die at peace.
You are silent as you dress, preparing to stand before the emperors, and the guards soon arrive to take you away. The door is opened, your hand maid crying which makes your stomach twist, but you keep your head high. You want to speak to Marcus before you’re dragged off so you step towards his door. He’s standing then and you reach between the bars to touch him. “I love you. I don’t regret a thing.” You promise, “I love you, Marcus.” You promise and the guards drag you away, making you cry out as Marcus says “I love you too. Always.” You keep your head high as you’re escorted through the halls until you are taken outside. You frown and that frown turns into panic when you approach a large platform. People gathered in the piazza with the emperors sat down in their thrones. “Ah, welcome.” Geta says your name as you are shoved onto the platform and your hands shake but you grab your robes. Caracalla walks over to you, gripping your chin, “you betrayed me. You let him touch you. I cannot have a whore for empress. I could never confirm my heir is mine. You’ll suffer for your affair. I must show Rome that we do not allow such insolence.” Caracalla hisses and you know that this is the moment you die. You refuse to let them see that you’re terrified and you are pushed to kneel after your hands are tied behind your back. You keep your shoulders back as the soldier pulls his sword from his side and you hear a cry. Turning your head, you see Marcus being dragged to the side of the platform and your strength dissolves. He is to be killed as well. “Ah, General. Please watch. You’ll see what we do to traitors to the empire. Stand there and watch her die. You’ll soon be joining her.” The emperors laugh and you have tears running down your cheeks as Marcus tries to get out of the grip of the five men holding him. “I love you.” You mouth just as the sword is brought down and it all goes black.
“Nooooooo!” Marcus howls in rage as your head is separated from your body and he struggles against the men, breaking free with one hand and grabbing for the swords they carry. Tears sting his eyes and all he can think about is avenging you. Killing the emperors that have ordered your death. “Bastard!” He shouts out, the people silent as they watch the commotion. “She was never yours! She never agreed to marry you! You kidnapped her from her home!” He shouts, wanting the people to know exactly why you had died. How you had been brought to Rome. The soldiers holding him had fallen back after he had grabbed the sword. “She was not yours to claim! She was mine!”
Caracalla raises his hand, telling the soldiers to come forward to surround Marcus as he swings the sword. "I sent for her. She was mine from the moment my soldiers left Rome to find her. She was my key to securing her lands. You had orders and you failed. You fucked her, claimed her as yours, without permission and the gods will punish you. Who wants their emperor to be justified?" Caracalla asks the crowd who cheers, "the people want their emperor to be happy. And you know what would make me happy? Seeing you dead beside her. Traitors in life and in death." He claps his hands and the soldiers move closer to Marcus.
Marcus knows he will die, that is his fate, especially now that you are already walking through the Elysian Fields. Instead of battling the men who have been ordered to kill him, he drops his sword. “Rome will consume you.” He predicts. “She will rise against you and you will fall.”
Caracalla scoffs and Geta rolls his eyes while the soldiers grab Marcus and drag him to the stage. He kneels down, jaw clenched in defiance, and he growls, "fuck the emperors." His last words before the sword comes down and his head rolls on the floor moments later. The emperor grins, reaching down to grab his head, blood dripping onto the floor. "May everyone know that this is what Rome does to traitors. Even a General and a Princess are not exempt from the hand of the law." Caracalla declares and the crowd is silent. General Marcus Acacius is dead. The Roman Empire is crumbling.
****
All his life, Marcus has awoken with the knowledge that he has walked these roads before. It had been present every day, even if he could not articulate it. The sense that he had smelled that scent before, or tasted that fruit is always hanging on the edge of his consciousness. The nagging sense of déjà vu that had plagued him. His grandmother had called him an old soul, one who had lived lives before and it makes sense, considering he was named after a Roman general who had betrayed his emperors for love.
You huff as you drag your suitcase up the steps to the hotel your best friend had booked for her wedding. Of course she had to get married in Rome. Her husband-to-be is from the city. She had met him during her semester abroad and now years later they are getting married. You had flown over to Italy to be her maid of honor. You take a break and wipe your brow, your dress taking up a lot of space in your case, and you inhale deeply as you drag your case up the stairs to the entrance of the hotel. "Fuck me." You pant when you walk into the glass door, your brain starved of oxygen after your climb. You hear a chuckle behind you and you groan when a large hand reaches for the door to open it. You hear him ask you something in Italian, and you frown, head hurting, and you try to remember the phrases from the book you bought with you. "I'm sorry. I don't speak Italian." You say as you turn to look at him, and your eyes widen. Your embarrassment has been witnessed by the most gorgeous man you've ever seen.
The second he sees the eyes of the pretty American, he knows that he’s met you before. In some life. It’s the instant quickening of his heart racing in his chest makes him smile. “Why would you come to Rome if you do not speak Italian?” He teases, reaching for your bag to take it for you.
He feels familiar and you wonder why, your heart pounding in your chest and your palms get sweaty as he carries your bag into the cool reception area. "Thank you. And for the record, I have been studying. Piacere di conoscerla." Your brow furrows in concentration and the man smiles at you, making you feel even more lightheaded. He grins, "pleasure to meet you." He replies in English and asks your name. You give it to him and his brow furrows, his stomach twisting. "My father is a historian. He loves Ancient Rome. He has come here many times on different trips for work." You confess, unsure why you are telling a stranger this but it feels like you've known him your entire life.
“Interesting.” Marcus licks his lips. “There was once a Princesa during the reign of Emperors Geta and Caracalla with that name.” He tells you. “Do you know the story?” He asks, wondering if you are here by chance, but he feels like you are not. “The lovers, right?” You ask, nodding and he smiles. “General Marcus Acacius fetched her from her home, stole her - from a bordering kingdom.” He had been told the story so many times as a child he can recite it by heart. “Falling for the strong and brave princesa during their journey to Rome where she was to marry Emperor Caracalla. They became lovers, star crossed, of course.” He frowns slightly, feeling an ache in his heart like he did every time this part of the story was told. “He watched as she was executed by the Emperor’s command after they were discovered but not before they had vowed to find each other in the next life.”
“How tragic and romantic. Put Romeo and Juliet to shame.” You quip and he nods, “their story was told many times during the fall of the empire. If a general wasn’t immune from punishment, then the plebeians certainly weren’t. The uprising began that day and Rome crumbled eventually.” He tells you and you nod, “I hope they found each other in another life.” You confess and tilt your head, “I still don’t know your name.” Just as the words leave your mouth, there’s footsteps down the stairs and your best friend squeals as she rushes towards you. “You’re here!” She hugs you and you hug her back, excited for her and her wedding. “And I see you have already met our best man. This is Marcus.” She says and you look at the man who helped you with your case. You murmur your name, “and Marcus. Like the story.” You offer him a soft smile and he winks at you, turning towards the groom to embrace him with a hug. “Antonio and Marcus served in the army together.” Lucille whispers as you turn to look at the men and you watch Marcus. He’s older than you, but he’s handsome. “And he’s single.” Your friend whispers and you roll your eyes, “don’t. I don’t want to be a cliché.” You whisper back and she giggles, taking your hand to drag you to the reception. She speaks in Italian to check you in and soon enough, a key is placed in your hand.
Antonio smirks as Marcus watches you walk away. “I didn’t tell you her name so it would be a surprise.” He chuckles, knowing how much Marcus enjoys telling that story of the Roman General. Marcus snorts and shakes his head. “I was watching her ass.” He tells his best friend honestly, who laughs. “She’s single.” He informs him. “Marnie made sure to tell me to pass that along.” He grins at Marcus. “I think she’s hoping that our two best friends hook up at her wedding.”
Marcus snorts, “you know I have that thing with Maria.” He says and Antonio rolls his eyes, “where you fuck her and she goes off to date men twice her age for money and she won’t commit? I love you, man, but you know that’s not serious. You want serious. You want the whole package.” Antonio knows his best friend and Marcus sighs, watching you as you walk towards the stairs with your case. “Get her case. Your rooms are next to each other. Marnie’s doing.” The groom holds his hands up and Marcus snorts but follows his direction. “Can I get your bag?” He asks and you nod, “I’m not built for this. We have elevators as big as a bathroom in the States.” You joke and Marnie beams as she looks between you. “Go settle in. We have a welcome dinner at eight and tomorrow it’s a spa day before the rehearsal dinner.” She says and you nod, hugging her before you make your way upstairs, followed by Marcus who carries your case. “What have you got in here? Bricks?” He teases and you giggle, “a girl has to be prepared for anything.” You tease and step onto the floor where your room is. You look at the numbers until you find it, placing the key card against the lock. “Thank you for carrying my case.” You say to Marcus after he places your case down in your room, his chest heaving a little and you get a little lost in his dark eyes. “You’re welcome, princesa.” He teases and your stomach lurches, your heart pounding at the nickname. “Thank you, General.” You tease, reminded of the story. His eyes widen a little and he reaches for his key card. “Turns out I’m next door so if you need anything, just knock.” He says and you nod, “thanks again.” He shuts your door and you slump down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling with a smile on your face. Maybe coming to this wedding alone wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
Marcus has already unpacked his tuxedo hanging up and he sighs, feeling restless. He can hear you moving around next door and he decides to go see if you would like to sightsee with a translator. He feels drawn to you and Antonio is right, his arrangement with Maria isn’t satisfying. He needs to know if the connection he feels to you is real. He checks his hair and feels like his stomach is twisting as he knocks on your door.
You had showered and gotten changed into a sundress. The Italian sun is still hot and you are surprised by the knock on your door. You walk over to it, opening it and your heart thumps when you see Marcus standing there. “Hi.” You offer softly and he rubs the back of his neck, “hi. I, uh, I wondered if you wanted to see some of the sights. I know you’re going to be busy with wedding stuff but I have a friend who does tours and I wanted to show you Rome.” Your eyes widen at the gesture and he falters, “or not. If you’re busy.” You shake your head, “no. I’d love to. Let me just grab my purse.” You step back to grab your things and make sure you have your room key then you step into the hall with Marcus.
Marcus smiles as he guides you towards the stairs. “It has been a long time since I have walked the ruins as a tourist.” He explains. “I am an archeologist. So this is my passion and my job.”
“Wow. You know your stuff.” You grin, excited to see the sights with someone who knows so much about the ruins. You make your way downstairs and you adjust your purse on your shoulder as you exit the hotel and make your way down the stairs where you met Marcus. “No need for a gym with these steps.” You joke as you make your way down and Marcus chuckles, “we are a city of walkers but we do have quicker ways to get around.” He guides you over to his Vespa and your eyes widen, “I’ve never - this would be my first time.” You confess and Marcus opens the seat to grab two helmets. “You’ll be safe. I promise. I won’t let anything happen to you.” You nod and he places the helmet on your head, buckling it under your chin and you bite your lip at the feel of his hands on your skin.
Marcus feels his skin tingling when he touches you and once your helmet is in place, he smiles as he turns to climb on. “Wrap your arms around me, Princesa.” He instructs. “I would let you ride in front of me, but your pretty dress would fly up.” He’s smirking slightly, but you just nod and take a moment to settle in behind him, the weight of your arms comforting around his stomach. “I will keep you safe.” He promises.”
For some reason, his words warm you to your core and you believe him. He revs the engine and pulls away after kicking the kickstand up and you’re soon riding through the streets of Rome. Your eyes are wide at the sights and you wrap your arms around him a little tighter, letting him take you where he wants to go. You’re happy to be with him, feeling a sense of comfort like you’ve never known before.
American tourists have movies about Roman holidays so Marcus might zip through traffic a little more recklessly than he might have normally. If only to feel you squeeze him a little tighter, turning back to see your eyes wide as you take in the city he loves. Smiling like you are flying through the air. Perhaps a little romantic dreaminess in your eyes, like it’s something out of a fairy tale. He takes you around to all the famous sights. Skirting along the edges of the cars as he makes his way to the best examples of Ancient Rome, his own dig site.
You watch the city pass by until Marcus comes to a stop in an area that’s fenced off from the public. “Are we allowed to be here?” You ask, glancing around as he swings his leg over the bike and helps you over, reaching up to unbuckle your helmet. “We are allowed to be here” is all he says and you trust him as he locks the bike and takes your hand to guide you to the padlock. He pulls the key from his pants and opens it, escorting you inside the restricted area. “What is this?” You ask and he flicks on some of the overhead lamps, showcasing the dig site. “My latest project.” He says and your eyes widen, “wow.”
He watches as you look around curiously, the building had been built to protect the site and he smiles as he motions to the half excavated site. “We are right outside what would have been Geta and Caracalla’s palace.” He explains motioning to the center of the sight. “This area was their piazza, the place where they showed Rome their treachery.” He frowns slightly. “This is the spot where the general and the princesa were executed.” He hops down into the pit, to the stone platform and offers his hand to you to help you down. “Eventually, the people of Rome would have both emperors killed right here as well.”
As soon as he says the words, a sense of dread washes over you and you shiver, your head aching as a flash of a crowd looking up at you hits you. “Are you okay?” Marcus asks and you inhale deeply, nodding as you look at the site. “Yeah. Just - a lot of history to take in.” You confess and take his hand, letting him help you down to inspect the site he had excavated.
He wonders if you feel it, if the icy fingers of dread had inched down your spine. If you remembered like he had. People would think that he was crazy if he told them the truth. “We found the site a year ago.” He murmurs, his voice not carrying very far as he crouches down. “But we have uncovered so much. Look, there is a sword right here.” The first layers of the artifact have been uncovered but removing and cataloging the items had not been possible before he had closed the site for the wedding. His team would not work without him there.
You kneel down beside him, eying the sword that looks so familiar. “Incredible. Did - did you feel that? The dread?” You ask, voicing his question as the feeling hovers over you like this is an area you’ve been to before. “It’s so strange. I feel like I know this place.” You confess and glance down at the sword, “this sword feels familiar but it can’t be. It’s just my mind.”
“I feel it.” Marcus admits quietly, reaching for your hand and guiding it towards the relic. “I want to see something.” He murmurs, hoping you get the same flashback he does when he touches the sword.
Your fingertips touch the sword and you gasp, seeing an image of Marcus but he’s wearing armor, a scar on his face, and he is holding the sword, standing beside two men with blonde hair. “Oh my God.” You choke and he tilts his head, “what did you see?” He asks and you swallow, your throat dry. “You. But - but you’re wearing armor. Ancient armor. You’re standing next to two men with blonde hair.” You reveal, your heart pounding in your chest.
“Princesa.” Marcus murmurs, reaching out and cupping your cheeks as he turns towards you. “I have been looking for you for lifetimes.” He confesses softly. “Always looking, never finding you, until now.” He frowns slightly and sighs. “I was killed, right after you were, right here. Our bodies next to one another.” He sees the confusion in your eyes. “We are fated to be together again, since we were star-crossed so many years ago.”
You are confused, trying to process his words and the images become clearer. You and Marcus knew each other, loved each other, in another life. You can see the love in his eyes despite knowing each other for a few mere hours. You lean closer, “Marcus. Finally.” You murmur, pressing your forehead against his as it all becomes clearer. You have found him. Your love. “This is crazy.” You confess, gripping his wrists but you don’t love his hands, “you don’t even know me as I am now.”
“It does not matter.” Marcus hums. “I know your soul, just as you know mine.” His thumb brushes gently over your cheekbone. “I have waited so long to see you again, to kiss you once more.” All his relationships have never worked because they weren’t you, his princesa.
You can’t believe this is happening but it feels so right, like this is what you’ve been waiting for. All those relationships that fell apart because they weren’t him. You can’t help it. You surge forward to press your lips to his and you immediately feel like you’re home when his lips touch yours. It’s a feeling you’ve never experienced before.
Marcus groans into your mouth, pulling you closer and thanking the gods that he had been right. That he had trusted his instincts. “Princesa,” he growls, sliding his tongue into your mouth and deepening the kiss.
You let go of his wrists and wrap your arms around his neck, pulling his body closer to yours. His tongue sliding against yours and you whimper into his mouth, flashes of the time you spent with Marcus in a past life go through your mind and make you fall in love with a man you knew all those lifetimes ago.
Marcus kisses you again and again, learning how you like to be kissed now and it fuses with the memories he has carried for his entire life. Breaking away to look into your eyes as he pants slightly. “I am sorry.” He murmurs softly. “I wish I could have protected you then.”
You shake your head, pecking his lips. “Don’t. There’s nothing you could’ve done. We were destined for death and we are here now. We are safe. We can be together. I- I live in the States and you’re here but…one of us will have to move. I do love pasta.” You confess with a smirk, “and Italian men.”
Marcus chuckles softly and lifts his chin to kiss your forehead. “How do you feel about living in an apartment that overlooks the old city?” He asks. “My place is only a few blocks from here. I’m staying in the hotel because of the wedding party and being the best man.”
“I’d say I better start learning Italian.” You grin, knowing your parents won’t understand your move but you do. There’s no way you’re going to be parted from him now. Marcus chuckles and it warms you. “We should be heading back for the welcome dinner.” He says after he checks his watch and you nod, letting him help you stand up and you glance around the place where you were killed all those years ago. He escorts you back to his Vespa and you are back in the hotel after he speeds through the small streets of the city. He holds your hand as you enter the hotel and you are soon outside your rooms, “I better get ready for the dinner.” You murmur, leaning against him and you kiss his jaw.
“You will look gorgeous, princesa.” He murmurs, turning his head and kissing your lips again. “Although I cannot say you look better than the bride, it will be bad manners.”
You giggle, “no. She will look gorgeous. God, I want to invite you into my room but we don’t have time.” You whine, sliding your hands down his linen shirt, “later. Later I want you in my bed, baby.”
Marcus hums in agreement. “Tonight.” He agrees. “No one will interrupt us. I can relearn how you taste.” He growls, leaning in and nibbling on your earlobe. “I can recall it even now, princesa.”
Anyone who could hear you would think you’re crazy but to you and Marcus, this is very real. You whimper and step back before you allow yourself to give in and forget about the reason that you’re here. You shower and dress in one of the pretty dresses you’d packed for the wedding events, grabbing your clutch, and you hear a knock on your door. You open it and see Marcus standing at your door, looking devastatingly handsome in his jacket with his shirt slightly unbuttoned. “God, this isn’t fair. Do you think they’d miss the best man and maid of honor if we went missing?” You tease, trailing your eyes along his form.
His eyes flash in amusement and even though he wants to push you back into the room and strip you out of the at dress, he extends his arm. “It’s an Italian wedding.” He jokes. “They expect it.” You beam at his offer and immediately step forward and wrap your hand around his arm. “Tell me, princesa, do you still like to ride horses?”
You nod, “I grew up riding horses. Felt instantly drawn to it and now I know why.” You squeeze his arm and he helps you downstairs to the welcome dinner full of family and friends. Marnie and Antonio see you and Marcus, their eyebrows raised as you hold hands and Marnie giggles, “I didn’t think you two would hook up that fast. But it seems my matchmaking skills have surpassed my expectations.” She teases and you grin, looking at Marcus, “it feels like I’ve known him forever.” Marcus winks at you and your friends beam until they are dragged away and Marcus takes you to the bar to get you a drink.
Marcus keeps his hand on your waist possessively as he turns towards the bartender. “What kind of drink would you like, princesa?” He asks, making you smile at the nickname. “Whatever you will have.” He nods and loves how you trust him with choosing for you. “Renato Ratti Barolo Serradenari.” He tells the bartender before he leans into your ear. “It reminds me of the wine we drank while we were traveling to Rome.”
You grin, “we drank a lot of wine during that journey and I seem to remember you drank it from me instead of a cup many times.” You smirk and he chuckles, his hand sliding a little lower, “best way to drink it.” You giggle and the bartender sets your glasses down just as a hand curls around Marcus’s arm. “I’ve been looking all over for you, lover.” She coos, leaning in towards Marcus.
“Maria.” Marcus lifts a brow as he turns towards the statuesque blonde. “I didn’t think you could come?” She had claimed that she was too busy to accompany him, and now she is here when he would want her anywhere else. “My schedule cleared.” Her bright smile is stiff, having been canceled on by her current conquest. It’s frustrating and she needs the comfort of Marcus before she starts her search for a wealthy man to marry again. “Now I’m all yours for the weekend.” She promises, dropping a kiss on the edge of his mouth before turning towards you. “Oh! Who is your little friend?” The first part of the conversation was in Italian, but now she switches to English for your benefit.
Marcus says your name, “she’s the maid of honor and my date.” He confesses, “the love of my life and I will be spending tonight with her. I’m glad you could make it Maria but tonight, I have my princesa.” He squeezes your waist and you lean into him, giving her a smile, “it’s a pleasure to meet you.” You don’t feel threatened, knowing Marcus wouldn’t continue his relationship with her now that he’s found you again.
“The love of your life?” She huffs in confusion, not expecting him to so blatantly turn down her company. “Princesa?” Her eyes narrow. “That nickname you moan every night in your sleep? This is her?”
Marcus nods, rubbing your hip, “it’s her. I have long dreamed of this beautiful creature and now she’s here. I am hers and she is mine.” He admits and your heart thumps, knowing this sounds crazy but you are a love story centuries in the making. You place your hand on his chest, “yours.” You promise and he smiles, kissing your forehead.
Maria is dumbfounded, unable to speak and she turns on her heel and walks away. He pulls you closer. “Apologies, princesa.” He murmurs softly. “I did not know she would show up, but I will talk with her and let her know that we are no more.” He gazes into your eyes lovingly. “No one else could ever capture my interest.”
You shake your head, "it's okay. We didn't even know this was possible until today. I cannot be angry with you for keeping company." You caress his chest, "and we know the truth. Everyone else is going to be confused." You remind him and he nods, knowing that the story is unbelievable. You are soon seated opposite each other at the welcome dinner and you stretch your leg out to caress his while everyone eats their dessert.
His dark eyes meet yours, smirking slightly as you trail your foot up his let and press against his crotch lightly. Despite the centuries apart, you are still bold and have no problem in taking what you want. He reaches down and squeezes your foot playfully while Antonio asks him a question that makes him look away from you.
Marnie grabs your attention, talking to you about the spa session for tomorrow and you half listen, watching Marcus speak to the groom until the bride nudges you. "What's up with your both? It's like you've known each other forever." She observes and you shrug, "it just feels right. Like I was meant for him." You see Marcus wink at you from across the table, caressing your foot. "Good. I thought he was perfect for you." You nod and smirk at Marcus, eager for him.
“Maria looked unhappy.” Antonio observes with a smirk. He’s never hidden the fact that he’s never cared for Marcus’s previous lover so he seems to be thrilled. “Just- don’t hurt her. Marnie will make me hurt you if you do.” He jokes, rolling his eyes, but Marcus snorts. “I would rather cut my own arm off.” He promises seriously. “She is precious and I will keep her heart safe.”
You feel bad but you are eager for the dinner to be over and not soon enough, it is. "Go. Go." Marnie orders when you hug her and you reach for Marcus's hand when you are finally free of maid of honor duty for the night. He smirks, guiding you through the crowd until you are walking up the stairs and you giggle when he slaps your ass.
He is eager to touch you again. To find out if the same things he had done to you so long ago still works. “You have no problem with the stairs now.” He teases, chuckling when you huff and roll your eyes.
You open your clutch, finding your keycard when you reach your door and you moan when he presses against you, his lips finding your neck and his hands on your hips. You lean back against him, tilting your head as you blindly try to unlock the door.
“Princesa, when was the last time you had a man touch you?” He doesn’t care that you’ve had other lovers, he just wants to make sure that he prepares you properly. He twitches against your ass and grinds against you. “Eaten your pussy like it is a luscious desert?”
You whimper at his words, "I had - my ex and I broke up a few weeks ago. It didn't work. I didn't know why but he wasn't you. I've been tested." You reassure him, "no one has ever made me feel like this and you haven't even touched me." You whine and grind back against him, the door finally opening with a beep.
“I’ll get tested.” He promises, sure that Maria wouldn’t give him something, but he will want to give you that reassurance. “This time I can wear a condom.” He guides you inside and spins you around to press you against the door as it closes. “Then I will spill inside you like I wanted to do so many times we were together in that life.”
You moan, "yes. So many times I wanted you to do it. Knock me up and claim me so he couldn't." You confess, your hands sliding up to push his jacket from his shoulders, your fingers immediately working on the buttons of his shirt when the jacket is on the ground.
He holds your chin with his two fingers and tips your head up to take his kiss, pouring himself into the way his mouth slots against yours. Pressing you into the door more firmly as he grabs your ass and pulls you up to allow your legs to wrap around his waist.
You wrap your legs around him and he turns, carrying you over to the bed, your heels dropping to the floor on the journey over and you moan when he lays you down. "I've missed this view." You tease while he shrugs off his shirt, exposing his chest.
“That bed in our tent, covered with furs to keep you warm.” He chuckles. “Although you preferred to wear me at night.” His hands slide under your dress to drag your panties down and peel them off your legs to toss away. “Wearing my tunics.”
You sigh in delight when his hands caress your legs after he tosses your panties over his shoulder. "You loved me in those tunics." You giggle and he nods, "I fucking did." You grin and his hands push your dress higher, "don't tease me, baby. I have waited many lifetimes for this moment."
“Not teasing.” He huffs. “Appreciating.” He reaches under your arm for the zipper to your dress. “We have all night. Nothing to stop us or come between us.” He reaches for the strap and drag them down to expose your tits to his delighted eyes. “Watching you bathe that first time made me ache. Wanted you then.”
You lift your hips so he can drag your dress off your body and you shiver in anticipation. "I would've taken you that night. I hated you for kidnapping me but also thought you were incredibly strong and handsome. I would've let you fuck me but I was pissed at you." You smirk until his hands find your tits, squeezing them to make you moan his name.
He loves that you’ve retained all your memories, or recovered them. Knowing that while you have to learn about each other now, you do know the people you used to be, the history you shared. “I was still denying myself.” He settles down between your thighs and presses his nose against your bare cunt. “No hair.” He hums, inhaling your scent with a grin. “But you still smell the same. Let me see if you taste the same.”
You can't believe how many memories are coming back to you when hours ago, you didn't know the man between your thighs existed. His tongue slides through your folds and you moan, closing your eyes as your fingers tangle in his hair.
He can almost smell the smoke from the camp fires as he licks into you. Tasting you again and twitching against the sheets of the bed. Groaning as he holds your thighs and pulls them apart even more to devour your cunt properly.
You lift your thighs a little higher, your hands cupping your tits as his tongue makes your mind go blank. "Fuck." You pant, "that's so good." You compliment him as his tongue slides through your folds like he's been there a thousand times and in a way, he has.
Marcus doesn’t hesitate to push his tongue inside you, remembering how much you had loved it and he grunts in approval when you whine in pleasure. Wanting to make you cum like this once more. His fingers dig into your thighs as he eats you ravenously.
His nose presses against your clit and you whimper, one hand coming down to run your fingers through his hair. He is pushing his tongue into you like a man starved and your thighs press against his head, wanting to keep him between your thighs.
He feels your stomach heave and he throws an arm over your waist to keep you pinned to the bed. Loving how responsive you are and desperate to cum you appear. Trying to roll your hips down to his tongue.
You haven't felt like this before and your body is so heated, overwhelmed by how he's making you feel. You moan, your chest heaving as he slides his tongue up to suck on your clit. "Oh God, yes!" You cry, your walls starting to flutter around his tongue.
Marcus growls into your folds, throbbing in need as you soak his mouth and chin. Loving how your thighs squeeze his head harshly while your back bows up.
He laps at you, working you through it, and you whimper, "fuck. You are so good. I need to see you, Marcus. Need to see you again." You plead, lowering your thighs from his face.
Marcus stretches tall and climbs off the bed so he can unbutton his pants. The suit he had worn didn’t require a belt and his shoes were toed off near the door. Leaving him to pull down his pants and boxer briefs, letting his hard cock spring free.
You groan, shifting onto your knees and after he kicks his pants aside, you shuffle closer as he stands at the foot of the bed. "Fuck. So thick." You moan and you grip his cock, leaning in to take his cock between your lips.
Marcus moans, reaching down and caressing your cheek, “still so damn eager.” He chuckles, eyes fluttering from the way your tongue presses against the sensitive head of his cock when you roll the foreskin down.
You moan at the salty taste of his cock as you take him deeper. You have memories now of doing this many times but right now, it’s your first time in this lifetime and you are eager to enjoy it.
He doesn’t rock his hips, letting you set your own pace and he admires the length of your lashes as your eyes flutter up at him. “So beautiful.” He coos, caressing your cheek again. “My princesa is beautiful in every lifetime.”
His words have you dripping and you start to rock your jaw, watching him until you move a little faster and you close your eyes in concentration. Your palms dig into the mattress as you keep yourself upright while you take his cock down your throat.
Marcus grits his teeth, enjoying the pleasure of your mouth, but he wants to be inside you. He wants to have your walls squeezing him tight as he makes you cum. “Good girl.” He hums, pulling back.
You whine when he starts to pull you off his cock, spit dripping down your chin, and he grabs your waist to shift you to lay down against the pillows. "Want to be inside you." He murmurs and caresses your leg, "let me grab a condom." He says and walks over to his bag, shuffling until he's walking back to the bed, kneeling on it as he opens the packet.
He knows that as soon as he gets his results back, he will be discarding the condom, but he needs to do this. He pinches the tip and holds himself while rolling the rubber down his length. “Dreamed about this.” He groans, leaning forward and kissing you again.
You cup his cheeks, your heartbeat in your ears as you watch him settle between your thighs. "I love you." You murmur, unable to believe you've been reunited like this. He shuffles closer and you gasp when he starts to push into you. "You okay, princesa?" He asks and you nod, "perfect. I feel perfect." You promise, wrapping your legs around him.
He groans, the way you squeeze him changing from the placement of your hips. You are hot and tight, perfect and he feels like he’s come home. “You are so wonderful, princesa.” He praises breathless as he starts to slowly pull back to surge forward again.
You let him rock into you, take control, and you caress his shoulders and back. “No scars.” You observe, “not battle hardened.” You murmur, sliding your hands down his chest.
He can’t tell if you are disappointed or pleased, but he continues to thrust, picking up the pace and smirking when you whimper. “Feel good, princesa?”
You nod, “so good. I’ve missed you so much.” You confess even though this morning you had no memory of him. Now, you can’t imagine your life without him. You try to rock up to meet his thrusts and you caress his skin, “I’m so happy you are unharmed.” You answer his unspoken question .
“Life is more complicated but easier.” He huffs, turning and scattering kisses over your shoulder. “We are free to love, to go where we wish.”
“I know. Imagine explaining the Internet.” You joke breathlessly and he chuckles against your skin, continuing to rock into you. “Fuck. And modern birth control. I got an IUD so no unexpected - I really thought that was going to happen to us back then.” You confess, “then I would’ve been killed.”
“It was not meant to be.” He presses his lips to yours again. “Maybe in this life.” He grinds into you, stealing your breath on a moan as he chuckles against your lips.
“We are together in this life.” You murmur against his lips and you moan, sliding your tongue against his as he rocks into you. It’s everything that’s been missing from your life and you love him. God, you love him. You whimper when he adjusts his hips and hits something delicious inside you.
“There?” He groans your name into your mouth and slides down to his elbows, pushing his arms under you because he needs to feel closer. It’s not enough, it might never be enough. He concentrates on that spot, wanting to see you fall over the edge and have a new memory of you.
You nod, your mouth falling open as he rocks into you and you pant, your walls fluttering around his cock. "Shit, baby. I - fuck. You're gonna make me-" You choke as you fall apart, clamping down on his cock and pulsing around him.
Marcus hisses, gritting his teeth while you soak him in your juices. Loving how you are coming apart for him. “Fuck, fuck.” He groans, trying to fuck you through it but his thrusts are harder.
You slide your hands down to his ass, squeezing, “cum for me, General. I want to see you cum.” You plead, groaning when his face screws up and he twitches inside you, spilling inside the condom. You slide your hands up his back and whimper, loving how he looks when he cums for you.
Marcus strains over you, working himself through it with a grinding circular motion of his hips until he is collapsing into you. “Fuck.” He pants. “Perfect, princesa, you are so perfect.”
You sigh, loving how he feels on top of you, your hands caressing his back as he presses you into the mattress. You feel complete, like you’re where you were always supposed to be.
****
“You may now kiss the bride.” The priest declares and you grin, looking at Marcus. His face is bright and he surges forward to press his lips to yours, spinning you to dip you as he smiles against your lips. The city of Rome as your background along with a beautiful sunset. Marnie and Antonio stand either side clapping and you kiss your husband. It may have taken many lifetimes but you and Marcus finally found each other again. No one, not even an emperor, can separate you now.
After contracting COVID at the end of a work assignment overseas and doing your required quarantine, you’re finally ready to fly home. There’s only one problem:
The estate you were staying in has been locked down due to a major film production, and no one is supposed to leave - or, in the case of you needing a ride to the airport - come onto the property.
With a little help from your boss and a favor from the head of the studio making the movie, an unfortunate mistake turns into the work opportunity of a lifetime … and may even have a few bonus perks, too.
Series Warnings:
- Mentions of COVID and its symptoms, quarantining, drug use, alcohol, illness, Dieter being kind of a dick sometimes, talk of casual sex, actual sex, mutual pining, strangers to friends to lovers, next door neighbors, hidden relationships
- Each individual chapter lists warnings. Smut chapters are marked with *
- Started writing before the movie was released, so there are non-canon elements to this, but I was already 35k in before we learned anything new. Consider this a partial AU.
Summary: When his brother's new relationship brings an unexpected reunion into Joel Miller's life, he takes the chance to explore it in more ways than one. Y'all, this is just gonna be smut. Let's not pretend.
Content Warnings: explicit sexual content, piv sex, gray sweatpants, jfc Tommy, anachronistic cellphone/emoji use don't even worry about it, reader has nickname but no physical description given, reader and Joel are same age
Rating: Explicit
Word Count: 3K
Pairing: No-Outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader
Author's Note: Next week will be our final track! Thank you so much for being so kind to these two!
Previous Chapter / Series Masterlist
Track 8: Under The Sky
The coffee pot has just finished brewing when Joel’s phone pings on the counter.
A splash of milk, no sugar.
He grins, picking it up and typing out his response.
any other requests
Damn, you’re fast: your reply appears on the screen before he can even grab the milk from the fridge.
Nothing you can do for me from the kitchen.
be up in a minute
I look forward to that.
Joel drops his phone into the pocket of his sweats before he grabs a coffee mug from the cabinet for you. The good one: no chips, no logos for hardware stores, no World’s Best Dad. This one is creamy white and dotted with bluebonnets – a souvenir from a weekend trip to the Hill Country he and Sarah took a few years ago. He pours in the coffee and carefully adds milk, then fills his own mug with coffee only.
He can’t remember the last time he carried two coffee cups to his bedroom, but Jesus, he likes it. A slow Sunday morning with someone he cares about – he doesn’t often think of himself as lucky but moments like this make him reconsider.
You’re sitting cross-legged in bed, your phone cradled in your palms when he nudges open the door. You slide it onto the nightstand and smile at him. His last-night’s t-shirt clings to you, puddling soft jersey on the tops of your thighs.
You hold out your hands, eyes squinted against the sunlight streaming in the window. “I can’t remember the last time someone brought me coffee in bed.”
“Drink that one and I’ll do it again.”
You laugh, taking a tiny sip from the mug he’s handed you. “Not bad.”
He eases on the bed so as not to jostle you, leaning back against the headboard and crossing his outstretched legs. He balances his own coffee mug on his thigh. “Sleep okay?”
“Are you asking about your snoring?” Your eyes are all twinkly teasing over the rim of your cup.
“Guess I am.”
“I didn’t mind it.” You lean towards him: the kiss you place on his cheek is coffee-scented and warm. “And I liked the part where you woke me up.”
He smiles into his coffee cup, the memory sending a roil of heat through his belly. Before you’d fallen asleep he’d asked if you’d ever want to be woken up in that way; your wide eyes and quick yes had made him uncertain he’d even be able to wait.
But sometime around two he’d drifted back to wakefulness and saw the glow of moonlight on the bare skin of your thighs. By the time your eyes fluttered open, his fingers were already slipping inside you.
“Yeah. I liked that part, too.”
You fluff a pillow against the headboard, then settle in next to him, bending your legs and letting your knees fall onto his lap. He rests his hand on your thigh – his thumb drawing easy circles on your skin – and sips his coffee. He might be crazy, but it tastes better when you’re here next to him.
You sigh – a slow contented exhale – and rock your head onto his shoulder. “Thanks for letting me stay over.”
He rests his cheek against your crown. “Coffee that good?”
“Something like that.”
He listens to your breathing – feels the expansion of it gently swaying you against him. And he breathes you in; your hair smells like your shampoo and his sheets. He places his coffee mug on the nightstand, then with two fingers and a thumb, he plucks yours from your hands. You let it go, your eyes widening with a question as he puts it by his own.
You face shifts to a smile, though, when he cradles your jaw and rests his thumb against your bottom lip. You purse them – a small kiss against the pad, your eyes never leaving his.
There are things he wants to tell you. There are things he wants to ask. But for now, this is enough.
He likes that when he kisses you, you relax: a loosening, a melting, your body easing into his in a way that tells him you trust him. And even more than that: you let him move you. You let him shift you down, down, down – until you are flat on your back on his mattress, his body hovering over yours.
His shirt has bunched at your waist and he sees there nothing beneath it. He breaks the kiss only to admire you like this: the loose fabric draped over you, the pretty curve of your belly, the hair-dusted vee between your thighs. He barely touches your leg – just the faintest brush of his fingertips against the top of your knee – and you sigh, hands clutching at his bare back as you let your thighs fall open for him. He shifts, carefully moving his knees into the space you’ve made, before bringing his mouth back to yours.
Your hands feel like they are mapping him – fingers moving slowly over his shoulders, down the flex of his triceps, tracing the veins in his forearms, before sliding away to his waist, his ribs, his chest. Then finally his face – held between your palms, as your thighs squeeze his sides.
He leans his weight onto one arm, his other hand moving to shove his sweatpants down just enough.
“Please.” You arch beneath him as his cock falls heavy against your pussy. “Please, Joel.”
A grip, an angling, and then you’re snug around him, velvety and warm, and he pushes his face into your throat as he buries himself inside you. Your calves hook around his hips, holding him deep as your head tips back on his pillow.
He kisses your neck – finds your pulse and holds his mouth to it – as he begins to rock slowly against you. “Feel so good.”
You don’t respond – instead a murmur hums between your lips as your fingers thread through his hair. It’s so gentle: the way you stroke the hair away from his temples, trace the curls that brush his neck. Soft and tender: he can’t remember the last time someone touched him quite like this.
He scatters more kisses – to your shoulder, to your collarbone, to the hollow at the base of your throat – before inching his way back up your throat to your jaw. He lifts his face to look at you. He wants to see your eyes: see if maybe you’re feeling what he’s feeling, see if he can decipher some kind of meaning in the dark of your pupils or the flutter of your lashes. But when he meets your gaze, he can only smile: because it’s just you, smiling back at him.
Maybe it’s always been just you.
“This –” your voice is a teasing whisper, your cheek dimpling – “is better than your coffee.”
He laughs and kisses you, again and again: feels sweat gather on his body from the warm room and the exertion, feels your skin begin to cling to his as your moans quicken.
“Oh.” Your fingers dig into his shoulders, nails sharp against his skin as you begin to buck beneath him. “Oh, Joel.”
Your legs grip him even tighter as you start to come, and he lets go with you: one final thrust and then his mouth is on yours, tasting your whimpers as he fills you. Finally your legs loosen, feet falling flat to the bed outside his thighs and he lets you guide his face to the crook of your neck; he catches his breath by matching it to yours.
He thinks he could stay here forever.
“Hey, Joel!” He’s not sure if he hears the words before or after the door opens, but they seem to happen at the same time – Tommy flings open the bedroom door and steps across the threshold before he must realize what he’s seeing. “Oh, shit.”
“Get out!” Joel doesn’t move – can’t, knowing that he’s the only thing keeping you hidden, but also because he’s half-sure he’d kill Tommy if he gets ahold of him right this second.
“Fuck. Sorry. Sorry!” Tommy backs out the door and slams it, though Joel swears he can hear him laughing as his boots jog down the stairs.
You are wide-eyed beneath him, but Joel thanks God Almighty that you don’t look furious. “Uh-oh.”
“Shit. Sorry. Stay here.” Joel launches himself off the bed, hiking his sweatpants back up and barreling out the bedroom door.
Tommy’s by the front door, hands held up in surrender. “Sorry, man, I didn’t know you had a girl in there.”
“Why the hell are you here?”
“I needed to borrow the miter saw.”
“I don’t keep it in my goddamned bedroom.”
Joel wishes Tommy wasn’t smiling so damn much right now “Yeah, but you said I’m not supposed to take tools without asking. I was comin’ to ask.” He pauses, that stupid-ass grin widening on his face. “Joel, man, who is she?”
“None of your damn business. Get the saw and get goin’.”
---
“He’s gone.”
You peek around the door, your backpack hanging from your fingertips. “Did he see me?”
“No.” Joel looks like a messy combination of fury and apology. “Guess he couldn’t.”
Your own heart is still pounding, but you aren’t mad and you can’t stand him looking so wrecked. “Thank God you’re so broad. It’s like I was behind a wall.”
The corners of his mouth lift a little, relief easing the lines around his eyes. “I’m really sorry.”
“No harm done.” You cross the room to rest your hand on his cheek. “Now tell me good job for parking down the street.”
He nods.
“No, really, say it. I need to hear the words.” You smile at him until he smiles back.
“Good job parking down the street.”
“Mmm.” You hum in satisfaction, lifting onto your toes to kiss him. “Joel Miller praising me might be my new thing.”
His arms slide around your waist. “You don’t have to leave.”
“I think I do. But not because of this. It’s just time to go home.”
“I’m glad you stayed.”
You kiss him one more time, then shrug your backpack onto your shoulder. “I am, too.”
---
tommy keeps trying to guess who that was yesterday
Who were the guesses?
why
Need to figure out if I have competition.
You almost hit send, then quickly add a wink emoji. Because you’re joking – or at least you’re still pretending to. You know Joel likes you and you know you like him, but you aren’t quite sure what label would suit the two of you. Because nobody has staked a claim; that said, you still feel a flustered prickle turn your skin itchy at the idea of other women.
You watch the dots flicker on the screen and push away the vague annoyance that the list is apparently this long.
waitress at the bbq place, client we built a deck for, Sarah’s old piano teacher, couple of single moms in the neighborhood
Lot of options. Why did he think them?
Another mildly irritating pause.
because he was there when they gave me their numbers
You narrow your eyes, lips pursed as you type.
Joel Miller is a hot commodity.
don’t know about that
You glance at the time. It’s barely eight; and sure, eight on a Monday night normally would find you on the living room couch with your book and a mug of tea. But tonight you feel like you want Joel to not even think about those other options.
You busy right now?
not too busy for that
You don’t even know what I’m going to suggest.
don’t need to if it’s with you
Damn it. It’s like he’s trying to make you fall for him sometimes. But you’re still smiling as you type your message.
Remember that field where we watched planes? Can you meet me there in fifteen?
---
He definitely remembered. Because as you pull onto the grown-over gravel lot, you’d swear he’s got his truck backed up to the same section of fence from twenty-odd years ago. You angle your car in next to his and climb out.
“Hi.” He smiles at you over his shoulder from his perch on the dropped tailgate. “Wanted to see planes, huh?”
You stop in front of him – in the space between his knees – and rest your hands on his denim-clad thighs. “Wanted to see you.”
It felt like a risk, that truth, but it suddenly doesn’t when you see his face: brown eyes turning even softer as he meets your gaze. “That’s nice to hear.”
“Good.” Your palms begin to grow warm from the heat of his skin through his jeans. “Did you know, Miller, that you were my very first kiss?”
His eyes widen. “Here?”
“Here.” You nod slowly. “Was I yours?”
“Uh, I –” You can’t contain your grin as he begins to stammer.
“Oh, my God, I was joking. But you should have seen your face.”
He drops his chin, one eyebrow arched. “There were a few things that you were my first for.”
“Mmm.” You shrug the stuffed tote you’re carrying off your shoulder and let it slump on the Bermuda-choked gravel. You pull a quilt from inside and begin to unfold it on the truck bed. “That explains a lot.”
He laughs, sliding off the tailgate and eyeing the quilt. “What’s this for?”
“This –” you flap the quilt by the edges, letting it float down, then stretch to smooth the wrinkles— “is so we’re comfortable.”
“Comfortable for what?” His face is all flirty expectation, eyebrows halfway up his forehead.
“Not that.” Two pillows from your couch are stuffed in the bottom of your tote and you drag those out next. “Or at least not yet.”
“Here.” You dig into the bag again, then hand him one of the cans you grabbed from the fridge. The outside is melting-damp with condensation and you wipe your fingers on your jeans. “Didn’t have Coke.”
He grins, pulling the tab to open the drink. “I’ve never had one of these.”
You clamber onto the makeshift pallet in the bed of his truck, sitting cross-legged on the quilt top as you open your own sparkling water. “Look at me broadening your horizons.”
He joins you on the quilt, propping one of the pillows against the cab and leaning back. “In a lotta ways.”
You smile at him over the rim of your drink, sipping slowly as you try to steady the hummingbird rush of your pulse. You’ve left a lot of things unsaid with Joel over the years.
You think you might want to start saying them.
“Do you know why I always liked watching the planes?”
He tilts his head to the side, lips turning down in a frown as he shakes his head. “You never said.”
“I liked –” you lift your chin, eyes fixed on the blinking runway lights in the faraway distance – “thinking about leaving. I always wanted to go. Go…anywhere. I felt like maybe I was meant to be something else and if I left, I’d find that version of me somewhere.”
From the corner of your eye, you see that he’s still. Not moving, not responding: just listening.
“I liked you a lot, Joel.” You chuckle, rolling your eyes. “Actually, that’s a lie. I definitely loved you. But I knew you wouldn’t be somebody I could leave. So I had to go when I knew I still could. But then –” you shrug – “I never left anyway.”
He waits for you to say more, but you don’t. Instead, you let that admission of regret hang in the air, shimmering like fading starlight.
“I always wondered ‘bout that. Coulda asked but –" his eyes are soft with understanding – “we were just dumb kids.”
You nod, leaning to tap your can against his. “I’ll drink to that.”
“Can I ask –” His question is interrupted by the growing roar of jet engines, and he smirks, holding up his finger. The two of you smile at each other in the din as the plane streaks overhead.
“Lemme try that again.” He sits his drink on the edge of the bed, then rubs his palms together. He looks nervous; that makes you nervous. “Remember when you said you didn’t want anything serious?”
You nod, hand tapping against your thigh.
“Why not?”
You take a deep breath, brow furrowing as you try to think of how to explain. “You know how it is when you’re raising your kid? Like, all the things you have to give up or do differently, all the ways your life becomes this thing that just has to fit around them?”
“Yeah.”
“And it’s okay, right? You don’t mind, because that’s the deal you made and you love them so much.” You rest your drink in the space of your crossed legs, needing your hands freed as you try to grasp the words. “I think I’m past the point in my life of making myself fit around someone.”
“Oh.” He looks deflated and you shake your head, reaching to take his hand between yours.
“No, that’s not what I mean.” Your heart is thudding; you feel like he must be able to hear it, but you need to say this part. “I don’t feel like that with you.”
You see him swallow – feel his fingers tighten around yours.
“This doesn’t feel serious. This feels easy.” Your smile is shaky. “And that’s because it’s you.”
He puts his drink down and reaches to stroke your jaw. His fingers are cool and damp, and you blink at him through eyes that feel a little damp, too. “Can I kiss you now?”
“Yeah.” You’re already moving, nearly halfway into his lap, as another plane begins to fracture the quiet. “I think you should.”
