Sitting here wishing on a demons spell. I feel trapped in this city and can’t get out. Something so fucking so fucking so fucking with me. I feel like I don't exist sometimes and can’t wrap brain spinal cord around just what I’m feeling. Old men ask me how I feel and I ask them back. Tell them that’s their answer. That’s what your looking for. Young children shake straw swords at me at breakfast and I look inside, don’t say a word. I know what they’re thinking and the answer is this: never grow up and start doing that now. Never let go of your straws, wrap them around your hearts. Start working on being young because it’s taking a lot out of me being old. And I’m not even old. I’m young. By all reality and in all definition, I’m the youngest of my kind. But you all look to me for misinformation and of course that’s what I’ll give you, but I promise I wont feel good about it. I promise I won’t be honest, I’ll promise I won’t be rubbed raw but that really won’t be anything at all. Someone get me a fucking car so I can get out. I thought about it tonight, If I just drove somewhere and slept in my car, woke up and came back to chicago in time for class. I honestly thought about doing that and maybe I should. I don’t know what I need. Maybe go for a run. I couldn’t even help move you into your apartment, my mind was so goddamn wrapped around my own existence and whether or not it was true. I’m blue. I’m shuttered and there are no christmas presents that can bring a smile to my face, no amount of money in my hand will help me eat more, no love, no care, I’m in this world and I don’t like it anymore. That doesn’t mean my soul is leaving anytime soon, it just means my body might be on the way out. Where I’ll go? I’ve got no idea, no money to push me forward into the world. I feel portland calling my name, but do I really want to be surrounded by a group of people that changed a town when they could’ve changed the world. What do I want to do? Work on a farm. I want to work on a farm, live in a different age, I want the dust to settle, I want my brain to not melt into oblivion. I think I’m losing my grasp. I truly worry that my mental state is deteriorating and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever make it back out. I’m frightened, truly truly fucking frightened. I don’t think of this as a plea for help, but please fucking help. I’m a stuck pig in this cold COLD city. People, cold. Weather, cold. Buildings, cold. Cold food. Cold hair. A dusty, cold disease seems to be running up and down my spine. I spent so much time trying to keep my head up that now my spine seems to be permanently  damaged. Or at least that’s what the doctor said. How much of my money does she want is the question. She said she’d help me out, but someone is still paying for it. Maybe it’s not me, but that company, that doctor, they’re still making money off my misfortune and good for them. You can’t help the poor if they can’t afford it. That’s the way this world works. Go get a job? Fuck you. Give me a job. How easy do you think it is? You’re life is so simple, you do nothing and make everything. Do you have no brotherly love, no sense of family, community, respect for human fucking decency? Am I the only one who has a dollar to give to the homeless, a car to drive food to a shelter. I can’t be and I refuse. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it and realize I’m at least thinking about it. Maybe I should stop pushing and just gently show. But who knows how to show, who knows how to just live by example. That doesn’t work. You can’t just do good and expect others to follow. No, they’re going to call you a faggot, they’re going to do anything to make it seem okay, because what it comes down to is this: anyone who judges a human being for helping another human being (despite the helper’s ego, despite their attitude) is someone who feels so guilty for being such a fucking apathetic asshole that they will in turn make you feel their pain. Which is, in itself, the most fucked up aspect of this thing we call humanity. Homo sapiens. What that truly means is that there is a scientific term that describes us. There is evidence that shows that no matter how much we’ve evolved, no matter how smart we are, how progressive, how inescapably rational we’re still homo sapiens. We still came from animals, we are still animals. If we had evolved beyond that, then we wouldn’t be destroying this world that is so very dear to us. We wouldn’t be fucking so much and having so many babies. We wouldn’t be letting those babies starve. We’d be lifting one another up. We’d work for the good of the people and the good of the world. I’m not editing this because right now I don't care. I don’t give a shit that this is mere rambling - it’s the fucking truth. This is the world we live in and there’s no fucking escape. We aren’t a dying species, but we’re killing ourselves. Are we really, as one species, just a child who wants to watch the fire burn. Who wants to cry when he doesn’t get his cookie, who wants to bully the little fat kid all the way into high school until the moment that little fat kid hangs himself because it looks like there’s no where else to go but into a ditch. I don’t hate humanity, I fucking disrespect it. And what’s sad is I don’t have the time to help it because I’ve taken my own fucking path and decided to “do me”. Well fuck that, I’m done. Seven weeks left of this and my car will be filled with the necessities. I’ll find a way that I can help the world, because I’m sick of watching you fools tear it to bits.Â
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