Grand Archmage of the Seven Black Kingdoms

Noble ruler | Psychiatrists wouldn't get it | (There are no psychiatrists) | Gender beyond the ability of mortals to fathom | (They them is fine)

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Chronological tag for you mortal minds too feeble to grasp temporal superstructure

Mirror on the "Archive of Threes"

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

why are there no wizard custody battles when wizards love to get divorced? - you may ask

well this is simply because wizard divorce is too the death, and all contested assets go to the victor, thus custody is implied

[inter-realm-tax-agency]

An’ if one side runs off with everything before someone dies, that’s when we get involved.

Ay bureaucrat, on the topic how’s tha kids? Still in wizard college?

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

Yes! Unfortunately yes! I have yet to convince the wizard college to spit them out again. I fear at this rate they will be digested and I’ll lose the whole flock

[grand-archmage-malaster]

I knew that uni was shifty

[wizardsisananimal]

What do I do if a wizard tries to fight my dog pleass help time sensitive question it is throwing so much lightning . My dog is so large I cannot carry him to safety pleas help he is my only son please h

i own your dog now

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Lose your dog

Weep bitterly

Turn your mourning tears into the sharp ice of hatred

Study

Cut yourself from the weak shape that could not protect your dog into a strong shape that not only could have, but can now go to the wizard in its own home and challenge it for the dog

Win

The experience will become overall beneficial and you will have ascended three steps of the arcane ladder (or two if it was really hard to kill the wizard)

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

*nods* survival of the fittest. if you can't even defend your dog, you don't get to have him

[homeboygirl]

my evil chalice came in but its so fucking small. goddamnit. they're going to make fun of me at the wizards circle tonight

[copycatgirl36]

loser

[homeboygirl]

FUUUUUUUCK !!

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Wait

I was supposed to have an evil chalice?

Oh

:|

[grand-archmage-malaster]

It's time for the annual gay invasion

Every country is simultaneously overrun by miscellaneous transgenders and assorted homosexuals

This lasts for exactly one month before almost all peacefully return to their homes

A few stay behind every time, slowly increasing the background presence of queers

At current observed rates, in 60 years all countries will be 80% gay year-round

[sunderwight]

Evil wizard tasteful pin-up magazine but it's all photos of like, skinny old goths coyly fingering cursed amulets, long-bearded sorcerers doing the 'oopsie' pose as their corrosive destruction spell destroys enough of their own robes to show some skin, naked desiccated lich king positioning his staff of human skulls just so it leaves something to the imagination, dark knights in full armor just holding their soul-eating blades out in front of their codpieces, orc chieftain who did not understand the assignment and is posing with a monster he killed like one of those guys-with-fish photos. Or maybe he DID understand the assignment. Hmm.

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Dreadful

Why do you want plausible deniability

Why do you want taste

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Look at what they're saying about me

[probablybadrpgideas]

Unearthing the ancient arcane lore of the primordial wizards who strode the world at the dawn of time unlocks a new branch of magic that doesn't do a single goddamn thing.

There's a reason they're the primordial wizards who strode the world at the dawn of time rather than the current wizards who are still striding the world as we speak, you know?

[grand-archmage-malaster]

The old wizards suck

If you're writing the first magic books of the world you don't have any to read

You make all of the textbook mistakes because there are no textbooks

I am very fortunate to live in an advanced age

[holy-knight-of-the-east]

have you seen the evil knight of the west lately? his castle seems a little more... 'ancient ruin' than 'evil castle' from this distance. and his evil wolves are harassing my forest's deer herd

he went on vacation, something about learning foreign hexes? I’m having to watch his evil sprits to make sure they don’t release hellfire onto the world while he’s gone

[evil-knight-of-the-west]

I’m in the deepest chasms of the infernal realms. The service is horrible

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

really? it must be terrible. your castle's got great service though

[evil-knight-of-the-west]

Why are you in my house. Get out.

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

>:D no

[grand-archmage-malaster]

The servants here are really friendly

Honestly I'm just going to write up some minion contracts and offer them around

I have seven black kingdoms' worth of tax money I'm sure I can offer higher pay

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

do it

I don't think the evil knight of the west offers dental

[grand-archmage-malaster]

I have excellent dental courtesy of the modernist gnomes

It is perfectly safe and leaves your teeth in superior condition

[corpsebanger]

I took your skull off display because my guests kept saying it looked noticeably gayer than the other skulls

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

that's discrimination...

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Man what's wrong with you

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

hmf. Monty ate my shoes so he's in timeout for now - if you see a sad looking wyrm tied up outside my cottage, don't try to feed him. he's had his fill of handcrafted leather.

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Aw

Can I give him

A carrot

I will give you a five gold coin illegal tax break

[wizardsisananimal]

What do I do if a wizard tries to fight my dog pleass help time sensitive question it is throwing so much lightning . My dog is so large I cannot carry him to safety pleas help he is my only son please h

i own your dog now

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Lose your dog

Weep bitterly

Turn your mourning tears into the sharp ice of hatred

Study

Cut yourself from the weak shape that could not protect your dog into a strong shape that not only could have, but can now go to the wizard in its own home and challenge it for the dog

Win

The experience will become overall beneficial and you will have ascended three steps of the arcane ladder (or two if it was really hard to kill the wizard)

[holy-knight-of-the-east]

have you seen the evil knight of the west lately? his castle seems a little more... 'ancient ruin' than 'evil castle' from this distance. and his evil wolves are harassing my forest's deer herd

he went on vacation, something about learning foreign hexes? I’m having to watch his evil sprits to make sure they don’t release hellfire onto the world while he’s gone

[evil-knight-of-the-west]

I’m in the deepest chasms of the infernal realms. The service is horrible

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

really? it must be terrible. your castle's got great service though

[evil-knight-of-the-west]

Why are you in my house. Get out.

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

>:D no

[grand-archmage-malaster]

The servants here are really friendly

Honestly I'm just going to write up some minion contracts and offer them around

I have seven black kingdoms' worth of tax money I'm sure I can offer higher pay

[holy-knight-of-the-east]

have you seen the evil knight of the west lately? his castle seems a little more... 'ancient ruin' than 'evil castle' from this distance. and his evil wolves are harassing my forest's deer herd

he went on vacation, something about learning foreign hexes? I’m having to watch his evil sprits to make sure they don’t release hellfire onto the world while he’s gone

[evil-knight-of-the-west]

I’m in the deepest chasms of the infernal realms. The service is horrible

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

really? it must be terrible. your castle's got great service though

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Unoccupied castle ?

Ruined ?

I will be there shortly

I need those books

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

make sure to bring an evil trap disarming kit

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Disarming traps is for undeveloped neophytes who can't foresee the locations of every single one

[knightsickness]

love this image bc what did the princess do to make the crowd shout and throw tomatoes at her. i know it wasnt nothing

[neutral-witch-of-the-south]

gods forbid women do anything

[grand-archmage-malaster]

She deserves it

[grand-archmage-malaster]

pause in the secret corridor in the secret room

they've been like. making dragons down here. but. i already had one

?

if the deadline for the dragon project is today

where did mine come from?

[evilwizard]

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Phylactery maintenance

Hey boss,

In the handbook it says standard procedure is “Phylactery upkeep is to be done Bi-Monthly, no more no less” but the other cronies and I are conflicted if that mean twice a month or once every two months? We wanna make sure our surplus of young souls and blood sacrifices is in proper stock so seeing if we gotta quadruple or quarter our spending will really make or break the whole “Eternal Life” operation we got going here.

Also side note: should I message IT about how every time the word Phylactery is typed out in the system it automatically turns green? Or is that by design?

In mournful servitude,

Henchmen 2883 (Frank)

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Vexed Me For The Last Time

you’re supposed to do it once a month, bisexually. how many times have you been doing it??

- EW

[grand-archmage-malaster]

Layabouts