Grandueric Illusions

You can reach me at: [email protected]

[chrisflemingfleming]

the snacks at Trader Joe's that only women can see, live at Largo

[grandeuricillusions]

[grandeuricillusions]

God Entered My Body With a Body of the Same Size

We fight in the car in the way down a hill, I tell her

"This is all the same noise"

She nods at me, staring straight ahead

Tells me the honor of blobs, decries that feminity

Should have less rules.

I tell her that in my concept of the world

In this corner where I hold a steering wheel and my foot presses evenly

That the feminine is simply our capacity to nurture,

To grow our selves into greater selves

And engulf the fear we have. I say

Nurturing isn't just motherhood

It is all creation, it is all care

And I can nurture from a quiet distance.

Masculinity? Why that's all strength

Pure petrol holding us steady

The coworker who easily flings his sack of potatoes

While I fight to carry carrots the same length.

We are all the same things; strong and soft

It's hard to think that there's any difference at all.

[grandeuricillusions]

Girls Cant Hurt You

When I tell my brother that my girlfriend hits me when shes angry, he laughs. He tells me to suck it up, because she cant hurt me. When I tell her to stop because she's hurting me, she laughs and calls me weak. She tells me I need to grow a thicker skin, or stop making her so angry. When I tell my dad he tells me to keep it secret. He doesnt want my friends to know and make fun of me.

When she holds a knife to my throat I swallow and I know, she cant hurt me. Everyone seems so sure, so I know to ignore how scared I am. I'll just keep working on making her less angry next time.

[grandeuricillusions]

THE IN BETWEEN

There's so many rules, I feel more confused than I ever did before. Like I'm supposed to wait but not too long and not too harshly. Like I'm supposed to call but not be needy. Like I'm supposed to be available but not too easy.

I feel like I'm in the in between, trying to figure out what I really need. I'm getting distracted by the thought of who I'm supposed to be to everyone else. I can't seem to find myself.

I scour tik toks to find my face, I look at you tube and read magazines. I created and deleted the same instagram post 4 times but nothing felt real to me. As me.

I feel like a collection of expectations, small and withering. I want to be wanted, but I don't really want me.

[grandeuricillusions]

My lover they love me with both hands tied

They tell me im worthless, why would they lie

I'd better believe them or lose them entirely

If I had to choose they win over me completely

If I had to guess I'd tell you that that is love

They dont hit or scream, they wont shove

But they teach me to make myself smaller still

They really love me, and never will

[beepathan]

hey everyone its april fools. but dont worry i dont have anything planned. just going to sit here and...

I LIED !!!! GET PRANKED

POST BELOW ME GET FUCKING WET

[fembutchboygirl]

Hi guys i'm so glad no one's doing april fAAAAAAAHHH AHHHHHH AAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO DID THSI

[waifu-police]

Dropping a brick on the post below

hee hee

[starkeaton]

Ahh i am so hungry ! Feed me yumy bricks!

[grandeuricillusions]

its 3 am

like it's always been

and he makes you small

like a fist.

You bite

the inside of your cheek

you seek

a trickle of light

you wish

it was never like this.

.

I remember the empty hunger. The wanting

Longer. The longing guilt.

It was a magic trick to disappear myself

They tell me men like him

They can sniff me out. I remember

Doors slamming and screaming matches

I screamed the loudest

All on my own. I let him in

And made a home of his madness

I looked for love

On overturned stones. He'd sleep

Through the day, wake up late

And whisper

That hes leaving. He'd take what I have

When I was hungry, he would be the one to eat.

[grandeuricillusions]

The people who love you

Will love you regardless

They will gather your flaws

Like the hanging sheets of an unmade bed

And tuck you right in

Under their chin. They will kiss

The mystery away from your brow

And make you wonder aloud

What did I do

For a love

Like you.

[piipstachio]

TUMBLR PLEASE I WAS TRYING TO SHOW THIS

[gotterhag]

Two things: 1.) I'm actually crying. 2.) this is what it feels like getting hash browns at McDonald's

[grandeuricillusions]

Intwine

Bees get drunk off of rotten flowers

I think about you for hours and wonder

What it feels like to lose a sense

You are my smell when you are here

And gone, I am dulled and waiting

I watched you walk out the door

And mourned the next few hours

Until you would return.

I dont know enough facts to woo you except

That you've been wooed and loved and still

From the other room I'll ask you

What you would change about me. This dance

Leading you to nectar

Tells you to tread so lightly

You may not make a sound

I ask again

But do you love me? Even now?

[grandeuricillusions]

Pissing your time away between bathroom visits

The grit of minutes feels like sand that just wont wash

In a few of them I'll be back to a toilet seat

And the thick of water. What is too much of a good thing?

Too quiet? Too far?

I wanted to know the ending, to read the book

And lift to the final page-

There is no way of knowing but come on

Can you even be honest in your time

Can honestly meet your mind as you paw through

The new distractions and a distinction

Between the wiggle of your chin

And the body you've learned to tangle.

You can only fight so hard when you take the swings

You can only feel yourself as fully

As you can close your eyes.

As tightly

As you can grasp your own guilt.

You tell him

It's the same pain it's always been

It hasnt gotten better

And it hasnt

Consumed me. Yet.

[grandeuricillusions]

Every other Sunday

I held him on the way to the vet and kissed the top of his head. His eyes narrowed to the wind and the sun and I wanted to show him the world. There is a lesson here, on a 15 minute drive to your goodbyes. About it being too little and far too late to see the rest of the world.

If I had to guess what he'd want me to take away, it would be to look at what I already have with such excitement and intense regard that I could never take it for granted to be so loved again.

But memory has this way of folding into ourselves, It fades

and days and days pass and I look at the list of who I'm meant to be growing

and it still won't be enough.

I think about regret a lot, enough to probably regret my thoughts. These days I wish I could have taken a bigger bite of the past and stored it in my cheek for winter. These days I sit still and quieter and I can't focus any better than I could before. It's not really function, but it's the form of the thing.

I wanted to write because it hurts either way but maybe this way I start to look at it all differently. The deadlines and empty spaces inside of me and every expectation I am meant to meet.

I want to hold him and I'd had every opportunity to regret it when I didn't.

[grandeuricillusions]

I miss my goofy guy more than I ever thought I could. I have a lot of regrets about not getting more videos, taking more walks, and giving him more cuddles because he deserved them all. He loved me more than anything in the world and it's a really hard thing to lose. I know he has peace now and he felt all the love in the world especially near the end. And still, it never feels like enough.