Today was such a rough day. Actually, the last few days were rough.
I miss you terribly. I wish I could be 5 again with no responsibilities or cares. Where my job was to play and laugh. I can’t even tell you the last time I laughed because I don’t really remember.
All the laughing I do now is just so fake. I’ll say something funny and someone will laugh and I’ll fake laugh. It’s awful. And I hate doing it but I feel like if I don’t, I’ll be awkward and won’t fit in.
My job as a parent is to ensure my children’s happiness but how can I make them happy if I’m not happy? I find myself yelling a lot and I don’t even understand why! Like, why, when my 6 year old is doing her homework, why do I yell at her if she does it incorrectly? Can’t I just say, “hey, I think something is missing here” or “does this look right to you”? Why do I always have to yell?
I’m just so over being an adult. I honestly couldn’t wait to grow up. I remember thinking how once I turned 18, I was gonna be out of the house and then I wouldn’t have to answer to anyone. Well, here I am, not having to answer to anyone and I’m completely miserable. What will it take for me to be happy? I’m so screwed up. I feel like if I buy this new face lotion I’ll be prettier or get an anti-aging facial or restylane injections or botox. If I buy these pants I’ll look skinnier or if I take a diet pill or only eat 600 calories a day I’ll lose weight faster. THEN I’ll be happy. So I go out and buy the new $60 lotion and I’m happy. But I wouldn’t even call it happy, it’s more of a ‘high’ from the purchase. Same thing with clothes or shoes or make-up or any beauty tool that promises 20 years off your face or body. It’s a high that I just want more and more and more of. I feel a euphoria and then I look at myself in the mirror and look pretty with the new lotion or make-up on. Or I look skinny with the new clothes. Or taller with the new shoes. But then it all goes away and I need something bigger and better and more expensive, of course, because the more expensive it is the better it is, right? And here as I sit and type this, I KNOW it’s wrong and I KNOW what the root of all of this is and I KNOW where it stems from ... but my voice is gone and I cannot say it outloud because once you say it outloud it’s out there. I’m afraid of hearing how stupid I am for thinking that way or how dumb I am or how they’re MY issues or how it’s my own fault because I allowed myself to feel that way.
And I have never felt so unattractive in my entire life.
I have no idea the last time I heard I was beautiful or a great mommy or I’m doing a great job or I look nice in something or my hair looks pretty. His mentality is ‘why should he state the obvious’ but he has no idea the damage he’s doing to my.
It’s just so painful. I mean, it’s really physically painful.
I take a Motrin PM every night before I go to bed just so I can sleep.
How did I get this far gone?
I love you, Granny. You always made me feel wanted.
