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@grasya-sky
It's been a decade
but I don't think
I mourn enough,
or grieve enough
about your death
I was too young
to know how to,
no one taught me
those things
and I didn't
see others doing it either.
so, I shed tears in silence
when I miss you,
'cause that's the only
thing I learned
while I yearn
of seeing you again.
I wish to have more places to go to when I want to calm down or kill time because, to be honest, I donāt feel like going straight home most of the time.
Yesterday was the last day of our midterm exam. It ended at 5 p.m.; the sky was still clear, and I didn't want to go home yet. Luckily, Reynalyn let me walk with her towards their house and even let me stay there until the sky got dark. She also gave me a cup of coffee, which I really appreciated. I donāt know why, but yesterday was a bit heavy. I donāt know if it's because itās exam day, because I didnāt get any sleep, or because of the people whom Iām going to meet when I go home.
JUST ANOTHER EPISODE OF MY SILLY WHAT IF
Today is All Souls Day, and just last week, I completed watching the Korean drama "Hi Bye, Mama," which I had been putting off for years. I'm not going to rate or comment on the drama here; instead, I'll be talking about my foolish what-if idea.
SPOILER ALERT! If you havenāt watched the drama, better skip this post.
So, Cha Yu-ri from this drama is a dead character. She became a ghost after dying and stayed as it is over the years to keep an eye on her family, especially her daughter Seo woo. One day, a miracle happened and she came back to life again. Literally as a human. In order for her to fully restore her life, she was given 49 days to return to her life as a wife and a mother. And if she failed to do so, sheāll be dead forever again, either as human or a ghost. Anyways, I won't dwell anymore on how it ended, so hereās my silly what ifā¦
I was only ten years old when my father died, and I'll be twenty in a few months. He missed so many things in our lives: our birthdays, especially our debut, my high school graduation, us entering college, us having our small successes in school, my sibs having their jobs, and everything else that happened over the past 9 years. And even though I am 100% sure that it never happens in real life, after watching Hi Bye, Mama, I couldn't help but wonder, "What if He is also watching us as ghosts?" like how Cha Yuri watched her family, And what if he's given the opportunity to live for 49 days as well? What would I do?
As Iām writing this I've been thinking about a few things. The first thing I'd probably do is stare at him all day, memorizing how he looks, sits, eats, talks, and moves, and everything else that I'm slowly forgetting right now. Next, I'll ask him to take a photo with me and the rest of the family because I barely remember the last time we took a family photo. I'd definitely ask him to join us for ice cream, as we used to do, and to prepare food for us, whether it's soup, pancit bato, or whatever he wants to feed us.
I'm not sure why I'm having these thoughts right now when I thought I'd moved on and accepted that things like this happen for a reason. Perhaps I just miss having him around.
So, if by some miracle this shitty thing of mine happens even in my dream where Iād get a chance to meet him again, I want him to redo things he used to do, because to be honest...the only memories I have with him are starting to fade. It's quite hazy.
MID YEAR
Although it's only the ninth of August as I am writing this, I still desire to remember that at least for a few days, I get to feel something other than solely sadness. I genuinely don't want to write how sort of okay I am now with August because I'm afraid it will turn into my worst month once again. But yeahā¦
Because I began the month of July with tears and a heavy..heavy heart that continued for two weeks, I mumbled to myself, "Maybe, July isn't just for you," as I sobbed. Like usual, I had no idea why it was happening. I was crying nonstop, my heart was pounding and I was having trouble breathing. I can also feel how I was trembling. There have been times when I canāt even pretend to smile, I've chosen to avoid looking people in the eye, so they wonāt see my crying. LuckilyāAlthough it may sound strange or depressing, I was so glad that during the third week of July, I became so busy that I had to begin my day early and end it in the evening. I was thankful that I didn't have time to overthink at night. I focused on preparing my school requirements for a week so, until the last date of July, I was occupied and distracted. ( Not healthy tho, but for a sad human, itās better than crying everyday. )
I actually welcomed the month of august with no expectations of being okay, I didn't even wish to the universe to make august be soft to me because I donāt want to be disappointed. But, surprisingly, it started with no sobbing, no heavy hearts, and no sleepless night overthinking. I didn't distract myself watching movies or reading the books I've been tryna finish for months, I could say that it was purely, feeling okay. Maybe because recently, my sibs and I have become so open with one another. We had girl talks about life, feelings, and experiences almost every day, which makes me so happy because I think that by being open about our emotions, we are growing closer to one another. A quality time with them helps me to feel okay since the past weeks, without them knowing, they are saving me from drowning again.
Your every step depends on you.
I've been with my friends wherever I go since elementary school. We rely on each other to the extent where if I don't go, they won't either, and vice versa. I was so reliant on my friends that if they didn't show up for class, I wouldn't dare to go to the canteen if break time comes. It's not that I'm embarrassed to eat alone, but I despise how people react when they see students walking alone through the canteen. I don't want to be pitied because I don't need it.
I constantly ask them to accompany me to places I want to go, and I invite them to my birthday celebrations. I consider them whenever I actively make plansāI ALWAYS include them in my plans. I only have a few close friends and have never had more than five in every school year which is why it is always simple for me just to contact them.
In short, I always wait for other people.Ā
When the pandemic struck, unfortunately, many things changed. Although my friendship with my girls really hasn't worsened and our bond remains as strong as before, it's just that, plans didn't go as I thought they would. I, personally, didn't expect the twist in our life.
Fast ahead... believing that things had not changed, I continued to include them in my plans. I began acting like I was before the pandemic, Inviting them to galas I know they'll enjoy, and informing them about things I think they'll truly appreciate if we try it together. Also, when I have time, I plan to ask them to spend a minute with me, especially when things are getting heavy, but I think this isn't how it works in reality.
I eventually realized that I needed to quit waiting on other people. That I should cease waiting for them to say yes before moving with my plans. That I should be more comfortable doing things alone since they won't always be there to join me, that they will never be as eager as I am to do the things I think are interesting because they have different plans for themselves.
But lately, my reliant soul has already been practicing going out alone and trying normal/new activities on her own, like eating at fast food chains, going to the bookstore, attending birthday celebrations, joining in large crowds with random people, participating in virtual events, and so on. I also understood that although I didn't have anyone's backing, I could start moving and taking baby steps toward my dream.
So, I've realized that if I keep waiting for them, relying on them, and including them into my plans, I won't be able to make any progress on my own. Now, I decided to keep climbing as high as I can until I'm fulfilled, without considering whether or not other people are enjoying what I'm doing.
This is your daily reminder to not be ashamed of making your life easy for yourself.
Cut your food into small pieces, make the font size 30 on your e book, use straws to drink, get a pen thatās comfortable to hold, take more naps, walk slowly, eat another cookie, buy velcro shoes, re-watch the part you couldnāt understand the first time, write things on your hands so you donāt forget itā¦ whatever you want and/or need
Donāt let anyone tell you how you should be doing things. We donāt need to prove each other anything
Howās my first year in college so farā¦
We started our second semester about 3 weeks ago, and I just want to say that IāM SOOOOOOO TIRED already, not with the course, because I like it : P but with the simultaneous school work. I know that rest is strength but I feel like if I rest, Iāll fail. I know almost everyone is also feeling that way though.
This semester is more exhausting than the last one. Now, we always have to communicate nonstop with our different groupmates just to finish our group work activities and be able to pass it on time. I do believe that work can be done easily if youāre working as a group, but in this kind of learning set up? Nah. Itās hard to communicate as a group because some of us are working to make money, some are in charge of household chores, some are unreachable, some have no internet connection, and so onā¦
I barely close my eyes and I canāt even let my phone get charged before using it again because there might be a sudden announcement, important messages, or another posted activities. I wonāt get shocked if one of these days I'll be needing eyeglasses just so I could still read clearlyābut I wish it wonāt happen huhu.
As someone who is socially awkward, entered college alone ( like with no friends or even acquaintances ) and chose to enroll herself far away from her family house, I think Iām going to die any moment our school announces face to face classes. I donāt like online learning, but I am also feeling anxious just thinking about what is going to happen when face to face classes start.
I am such an overthinker, I know. I am sorry.
But yeah, wish me luck this semester. Tell, Good Lord, to help me survive this exhausting last semester for my first year in college. Lol.
New Year Celebration; some are happy, some are not.Ā
Today is the last day of 2021. I saw lots of posts last night saying that theyāre proud of each and everyone for reaching this far, that staying alive is already worth clapping, and as someone who went through so much pain this year, I asked myself. Am I proud and happy because I made it? That I am still here, breathing and trying?
I think deeply, trying to find a yes or no to answer. After minutes of thinking, I found a yes answer and a no answer.
My hopeful heart answered Yes. I found myself looking back from the start of the year, to the middle where I suffered so much and almost lost in my own battle and of course up to this day where I see myself preparing for the holidays and is going to welcome another year. My hopeful self says sheās proud and that I am so brave. However, my anxious mind answered no. The reason was, she knows that the only thing that will end for the next few hours is the year but the pain will remain.
To be honest, that made my mind stop.Ā I get confused whether to feel the heaviness again or to welcome happiness. However, since today is the last day of the year, I am going to choose the latter. Only this day, I wouldn't care about tomorrow. I am going to celebrate it whether my broken heart stays or not.
And I am here to also encourage you to let yourself enjoy this day as long as it is possible for you to do it. You deserve to be happy even just for a short period of time. Happy New Year!
Happy Holidays! If this Christmas wasn't your best day, it's alright! We still have more Christmas to come and I'm sure, you'll get to enjoy those years soon, for now, all I wish for everyone is to have a rest because I know that this year has been tough to everyone and we deserve a good rest. Hugs to you!
Thank you for still trying and staying here. YOU matter! ą·ā¹ .Ģ® ā¹ą·
I always write on this small paper whatever reminders I feel like I need to remember everyday, and yesterday I chose to write "Always remember that there is someone in Korea who understands you." which was said by Park Jimin of BTS. I wrote this because I feel like there is no one seeing my efforts, and no one is believing in me. However, after an hour, one of my sisters passed by and saw this paper, and read what was written.
After she read it loudly, she held it and got her pen and wrote something. This is what she wrote.
I laughed and gave her a look as if it makes me cringe just to avoid awkwardness because we're not really used to saying sweet and good things to each other. lol
but really, i got moved.
Breathe. Take a sip. Continue.
A compilation of short stories that might comes with different genre, depends on my imagination's capability ä¹[ ā į“„ ā ]ć
After 123456789 years of pushing myself to make an account on Wattpad where I'm going to post stories that I've been keeping on my notes, here it is, finally.
may laziness won't find me, lol.
I just posted one short story today! I'd appreciate if you'll read or just visit it. ļ¼¼(^o^)ļ¼
One of my biggest goals in life is to meet Jerico Silverš¼
Same here! I would love to meet him, too and get my copy of his book signed š¤
TREAT YOURSELF COZ Y NOT?
Last month, I had to give multiple efforts to distract myself from feeling so unhappy. Last week I had trouble with my sleeping schedule again, so last night I dialed a c line so I could talk to someone about it. I was so nervous as I dialed their number but no one got the phone, yet luckily at my third try, someone answered.
Even if I didn't burst out everything, I'm still grateful. I like the way she talked to me, she's a very soft talker and sooo understanding.
Today, I woke up early and went somewhere to finish my agenda and before I finally went home I decided to treat myself first.
I bought a whole medium size pizza and a lemon drink. Ghaaaaaad, I've been craving pizza for months and when I finally got a chance to bite it, I felt soooo happy.
As much as I wanted to finish the whole pizza, I couldn't because I'm already full. A kid went on my table, asking for money, maybe? But I just gave him some of my food. He walked away as soon as I gave him pieces, so I had to find someone to share my food with again.
After weeks of feeling so empty, I'm proud to say that I am feeling good today. People I've met today just made happy.
I'm so proud of myself ^_________^
( Gentle Reminder )
When you feel so down, go take a rest. but when it last for weeks up to months, do something, do whatever you feel like doing, it doesn't matter how big or small it is. and I promise you, everything will be okay. (ć£.ā į“ ā.)ć£
If you're one of the people who are trying so hard to live and to heal, or somebody who wants to feel accepted, validated and loved, or struggling with whatever reasons you may have right now please accept this hug. You deserve it, Fighter! (ć£.ā į“ ā.)ć£
FIRST FOLLOWER AND FRIST INTERNET BESTIE <3
GUYSSSSS i just gained my first follower and my first internet bestie!!! iām so happy. Thank you for following @grasyaaa-skies <3333 you just made my night! I hope that this page pops off a little bit more so that i can have a good 10 internet bestiesĀ
**also i still havenāt started my half page essay**
you're so cuteee, haha! Let's be besties fr Źć£ā¢į“„ā¢Źć£
