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ig: mishti.rahman

misguiding

misguided souls ⁂

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She was a dreamer. A brave girl. A lover. That is how I see her. She awakes, bravely in his arms. All safe. All emotional abuse. All push and pull and not enough-ness. All turning her feelings on their head. All invalidation. She’s strong though. She keeps her head high and walks on. And I can’t imagine who I am anymore. The only thing that keeps me together is having someone to take care of.

So I take care of my best friend, a paralyzed woman. I committed to walking her to the threshold of her passing. I will be there when she takes her last breath. And I will be scared. And I know, my life, more than anyone else’s who will be in that room with us, will have to change. My life will have to change because I have sacrificed everything else just to be here with her. I live and breath her. And I am totally in peace with that. That has been my most brilliant gift. I am not just saying that, I know it. I know it because I have needed her more than anything during this time in my life. I have come to know who I am. I have felt like the world stopped turning too quickly around me. I have time to gain perspective. I have come to learn what I am capable of. I have even considered dedicating my life to this kind of service. But, there is something more in me to give.

Stay purposeful. Keep those eyes wide open, standing for positive change, positive impact. Getting the message out. I need someone on my side. First and foremost. I do not thrive alone. Not anymore. And more than anything, I am afraid that when she takes her last breath in September, my best friend will be gone, and I will be back to fend for myself in this lonely world.

Where Am I Going?

I think about Monianne passing, and falling back into the unknown of my own self-driven wanderings. I wander if walking the earth as a creative, expesially in the overwheling, over populated now is the right place for me, simply because I feel so over run by life. I feel so alone. I feel so without guidance, without direction. I see so much of myself in Maggie Rogers, who walked through Alaska, training to become a trail guide because music wasnt inspiring her at the time. I feel so much of myself in that statement. Like my walks in nature are my breaking away from my acting. But then she went back and she made an Album, and she suddenly became discovered. How do I just ‘go back’ to acting? How do I find myself performing? How do I find people to give me a role? How do I show face? How? How do I just do it myself? I am so lost. So overwhelmed and there is something inside me that absolutely needs to come out, needs to fly, needs to be seen, needs to perform and share love in that way. I need to look for an apprenticeship, a mentor.