Death crept up and sat beside me , it arrived on a dreich Sunday evening during a happy space full of poppyseed pudding and old friends ripping into each other.It arrived on my mothers face losing colour before me as she came off the phone, responding ‘no I am not okay’ and pressing out pearly tears of fear that made my heart shudder. Its always difficult to see your parents cry, to witness their pain and loss. One of the pillars of your existence crumbling into your hands momentarily. After a disappointing week with the dramatic state of worldly affairs and a long grey day , death reared its unfamiliar head and slipped into one of the young gems of the Cummiskey family.
I felt it like a cycle of rushes : shock, panic, pain , confusion , ache , repeat. How could he be gone ? It doesn’t make sense. I played over the series of events and time ,how quick time had come. I cried and let this deep ache well up inside me and sit on the surface to take in the world. Things started moving softly and slow ;the present , an open gash absorbing you in every second , when we got home we moved around in circles trying to support one another in our slumps, bumping into forgotten cups of tea or tasks. So present and foggy, so slow , so raw and real.
I focused on what was going on in my heart and my head and how the two just didn’t quite click. My head told me my bright blue-eyed, kind soul and cheeky charmer of a cousin was gone and my heart sung at his presence in it ,confused and in doubt of his departure from it.
Phrases repeated in my head , so young ,so special, only 39 ,so much left behind , so much potential gone.And that family glue , the big stone and jewel centred in the core dynamics of his own freshly created family , his mum ,his dad, his siblings , his cousins and best friends , the tearing away feeling of the loss of a brother, a son ,a father, a partner, a cousin, a friend. Torn away from a unit leaving a gaping hole in how it functions. I feel it all , I feel it all for them , for me and for him.
But he is still there in the little compartments in my heart and head , smiling and slagging everyone off ,his baldy head gleaming ,he’s whole heartedly and curiously embracing everyone and everything around him.Wise and wonderful.
Heart ,mind and big belterous sparkly eyes open and ready to receive , to pull a cheeky face ,to say it like it is, guarding his morals and sharing love and honesty to all around him.He is alive in my heart and those who hold him in theirs.
In an strange way , death arrived like a gift , life slowing down so you can take in what it is made up of and the people who enhance ,enlighten and connect us to our history and being. Consciously feeling the life blood circulating and uniting everyone in their grief for human loss.To re assess that which is important to you, to pull up all that is there, deep down and taken for granted and bring it up bold and vividly ,right in front of your eyes.