dont follow

just me

[grime7000]

i am in so many ways extraordinarily unhappy. i want everything to be different in fundamental and immutable ways. i want to turn back the clock and be better everywhere i failed to help myself. i am deeply unhappy with myself. i think i should be anywhere but here. i can’t get into the specifics because then i’d never get out of them. i am so hungry and this is not helping but i can’t eat until i get dressed and i can’t get dressed until i resolve my body image issues which is impossible. so i guess i’ll starve in this prison of my own fucking design

[grime7000]

ohhhh he reached out. ohhhhhhhh the universe loves for him to show up when im having a crisis and it’s really not the time. even though obviously all signs have been pointing to this. ohhh im gonna be brave and tell him no…even if that’s not really what i want to do…and i am only doing it because of The Circumstances

[grime7000]

so now why would my coworker who i have a crush on go and take a handful of stuff i wanted to try on when i was in as a customer and adhere to the system i had set up for myself in the room she’d opened like. she put dresses w dresses and two-pieces with the two-piece and separates w separates. i feel so !!! about it. like are you nice like that or are you especially being nice to me. and what’s your motivation. because of course i just want to be her friend when we are laid off at the end of this month if she wants to be my friend also but i am so unsure of even that. i just think she’s so pretty and cool and smart and funny. i love the way she dresses and her friendly but tilted demeanor and the way she thinks the world should work and how she talks about the people in her life. i think she is really really cool and i would like to be in her orbit in some capacity. sigh. anyway. i guess i should talk about how things are okay with andrew or at least how they are more okay than they were in the last post i made on here but i don’t want to. in the same way i don’t want to talk about how the last post before i took a break from posting here was about david coming over and how i never ever heard from him again and how in the time that has passed i discovered he blocked me and then later unblocked me on instagram. anyway. end of post.

[grime7000]

andrew is laying beside me pouting for god knows what reason. perhaps just that he is hellbent on ruining my good day. perhaps just because this dynamic doesnt ever work unless at least one of us is a wounded animal. i’m not sure what we’re doing here. i want to afford him more grace but that’s all i’ve been doing this whole time. i cannot help him out of his relationship with alcohol or his inability to recognize misogyny or his unwillingness to treat my perspective like its something worth listening to. it makes me miss david who wouldve given my opinion more weight, who would have let me shape his perspective instead of being too entrenched in his own ego to allow real dialogue. i think this man is selfish and yet our wounds bleed together and so i wont leave. i guess. i dont think he’ll understand without hindsight, just like last time, but if push comes to shove i won’t give him the satisfaction of a third chance (by some definitions). i dont know what i hope to gain from this. i just miss a relationship where i didnt feel constantly drained.

[grime7000]

peach is down i am missing the urge to post so i am back here again. fearing what i will find in here may be almost too painful to bear even (since i have been curiously uncurious about perusing it after having this app redownloaded for a few weeks now) but i need some sort of outlet again. i’d quite like to start analog journaling in a more productive way but sometimes this is easier and i am in the market for paths of least resistance these days. everything feels like a lot and i think part of it is my general refusal to reckon with anything at all. i feel like the world is crashing down around me and i have accepted this but i have yet to scream or cry or call for help. help will come, but it will be painful, and i think maybe moreso the longer i delay it. then again perhaps i am only trying to scare myself. my left thumb hurts. probably from overuse and incessant typing and playing and avoiding oh the constant avoiding. i wish i was born confrontational. i wish i was born less scared. i wish i was born a fully formed adult whose main trials and tribulations were distant memories which had solidified me into the kind of person who understands how to handle situations. there is not a situation on earth i feel i could even begin to adequately understand. and yet the pull of reality and laundry may rouse me yet

[grime7000]

i am not even sure what to do. is there really a possibility that david and i could reunite or was yesterday was a fucked up sort of goodbye? i’m not sure. i don’t want to ruin his life, nor simar’s life, as i don’t think i have any right to do either of those things. but it’s also like — what if i am not ruining anybody’s life? what if i’m simply ruining my own life with my silence? what makes the most sense to me right now is to draft some sort of letter to him that explains how i really truly feel now that i’ve processed some of this information. and the real truth of my feelings is that i am too old for and too disinterested in begging, pleading, groveling, but there are lengths i would go to have david back in my life in some capacity, whatever that may look like. there are lengths i would go for this yearning, which is apparently mutual, to seize. and of course, of course i fear a potential outcome where he ends things with simar and pursues things with me and then decides oops! wrong choice! this yearning shouldve been left at yearning! and that is almost more frightening than never speaking to him again, although that is also very high on the list of things that frighten me. i am also accounting for the fear that he ends things with simar and finds someone else who not only fulfills what he’s yearned for in me and transcends it. there are many things to fear and very little to hope for here. but nonetheless i harbor a small glimmer of hope that everything could tip back in my favor, even if it’s not beautiful or easy or glamorous in any capacity. the least i can do is try….

[grime7000]

my teeth hurt and i feel alone. those two things are unrelated (as far as i know). i do not have to feel alone, but i’m choosing to anyway. i’m not even really sure why anymore except that it’s a habit i was born with, or at least has been with me as long as i can remember. is there difference and does it matter if there is anyway? nothing is going to save me in the way i imagine something could. days are more important than years, the now more important than the past or the future, which are sort of the same thing. i wish i could crack open certain moments and live inside them forever.

i have to think of what i really want this short story to say. something about loneliness, certainly, and the futility of trying to replace human connection with artificial intelligence. but do i want the robot to be sympathetic? do i want the robot to have ulterior motives, do i want her to end things or “kill” him, do i want then to end up together? i’m not sure. it might be a situation where i have to let the story lead me.

[grime7000]

fixating on the small crush i’m developing on the barista at atomic. it’s harmless, he’s just my type & has good energy, but it’s just easy to circle back to that for comfort because if i think about almost anything else for too long my brain will start melting out of my ears. he’s just pretty and i have an incessant need to figure out if the people i find cute find me cute in return.

[grime7000]

documenting a moment purely for my own ego: went out tonight dressed slutty (gray ruched bodycon dress with low cut cowl neck, black snake tights, also dark lipstick) and caught the eye of a guy across the room — not intentionally, i was not especially into him, but i met his gaze and smiled, more to myself than to him because he had come in with a woman and he was looking at me. and then he kept looking at me? and he was dancing with (read: next to) the woman he came in with, and she seemed to catch him looking and engage him a little more in the dance — and mind you i was sitting thigh to thigh with andrew with my hand on him at pretty much any moment, but i was gazing off into the crowd passively observing and watching the skull shaped disco ball spin for a while — which worked until we got up to leave and i caught the guy swiveling around to look at me again. and listen, she was wearing cat ears at the club and to me, that’s a high-potential indicator of polyamory or swinging or some other non-monogamous relationship dynamic. but there was something evilly validating about that woman having to fight a bit for the man she came with’s attention. and i think at least some of that feeling is exacerbated by my quiet frustration about andrew ogling other women directly in front of me, and the relief i feel that i am capable of being the one who steals the attention: am i good looking enough to tempt people away from their pre-existing relationships? though i admit that it’s terrible, the idea that i am that attractive is secretly thrilling. this is a part of myself i suppose it’s time to reckon with and i guess i’m starting by acknowledging it…..

[grime7000]

at least the new job is going well and seems like a promising place to stick around for a bit. not everything is terrible i am insistent

[grime7000]

today i tried to verbalize my feelings about something to a loved one and not only did it immediately trigger a panic attack, i’m not even sure they heard me because we did not actually ever talk about it. amazing. good. i love experiencing emotions.

[grime7000]

i am really really really ! having a hard time getting myself to focus on Anything In The World right now. i just need to scrape through the rest of this semester and apply to some jobs and then i will have Beautiful Jana Vacation and everything will be easy again. but for now it’s very hard and adderrall and mindful breathing are not helping at all. i wish i did not have to be a functional human being. i wish it was easier to focus on school and to get a job and to calm down and regulate. i just keep avoiding avoiding avoiding avoiding avoiding until i cant and it’s truly an evil horrible habit that leeches out and infects everything i do and experience. and hopefully by addressing it here i am taking some small step to being accountable. there are many many things i must do and i have absolutely no desire to do any of them. this is an unfixable problem in any kind of short term. but the also it’s seeming maybe in the long term as well. expulsion of thoughts should be helping in some small way, and all of these small pieces eventually culminate in a larger picture. harumph. hmph. argh. etc.

[grime7000]

feeling as always very complicated and big and nuanced things that i’m unsure of my ability to put into words but i think maybe some sort of attempt ought to be made. i am intensely worried about my sexuality to the degree that perhaps this is a manifestation of OCD somehow, which i had not really put together until now writing things down. i might not elaborate on that part of it but i’m going to bookmark it as something to return to. i suppose i feel at the end of the day knowing what i know about andrew that ~i~ am not necessarily what he really wants but just that i am what’s available. and i don’t doubt per se that he finds me attractive and charming and adorable and smart and funny, or that he sees me wholly as a person, but i know that i’m not his ideal partner in either looks or sexual preferences and to be reminded of that is a slap in the face every time, regardless of how casually i see our relationship. which perhaps is not that casually at all, as i havent been seeing anybody else, a concept which is not off limits and would even be encouraged, but i also know that my desire to date women is in direct conflict with his sexual preferences. i want to be romantically involved with women, he’d prefer i had casual sexual relationships with other men. but that’s not what i desire, even if maybe i thought it was for a moment. maybe it even really was what i wanted briefly, but i think i was always more interested in the idea of it than the reality. the reality is that polyamorous dating or nonmonogamy requires an enormous social battery and the ability/willingness to navigate dialogue in which intentions arent always explicit, and that’s really difficult (and downright scary) for me. i feel so seen and admired with him but at the same time the knowledge of his preferences is a burden which has rested on my shoulders for too long now. and untangling all of this out of my brain has been exhausting and i no longer want to see him this evening…….but i know i wont cancel either. hmph.

[grime7000]

feeling a lot a lot a lot of feelings, many bad. the types of things i should turn to what i’m tempted to call my Real Journal i.e. my physical journal with. i cannot stop avoiding the problem, it’s so easy to light a match and run and run and run and never stop. i won’t even name it, but i’m telling myself these are the first steps. i am trying. i am hungry. i should prepare myself something. i’ve been avoiding the kitchen as much as anything else. i’m so repelled from what i want. i refuse to expend energy. i think i need to be back on medications.

[grime7000]

[grime7000]

just when i think things can be okay and nice with andrew he does something stupid like not kiss me or tell me he loves me before leaving after i tell him i dont have adderall left for him to take. which mind you he woke me out of a very comfortable slumber for because i didnt even know if had more and i had to look. and the worst part is i think i do actually have some somewhere it’s just not or near in my nightstand so it’s beyond my comprehension and like i said: very comfortable slumber.

[grime7000]

not sure why the man at the gas station was so gruff with me today. perhaps it was my septum ring perhaps my eyes betrayed my drug use. why did i feel compelled to line my gums with cocaine before class today? answers remain inconclusive. i need to go to a real doctor and get real drugs. real meaning directly from the pharmacy and little else. why is it that i always feel the most compelled to write when the timing is so wrong. why is that i always feel the most compelled to do anything when the timing is so wrong. i have to stop identifying with the part of me that wants to make things harder for myself. i have to be tougher on her (in a loving gentle patient way.) i am not sure i am cut out for it, whatever it is. i feel like that man looked through my body and into my soul. i hate it here inside this body but i’m trying really hard not to because i think that’s what’s best for me. this feels good. i am scratching an itch. i am feeling altogether neutral. thank god. thank god. now i’m trapped in the classroom with the radiator that hisses and taps incessantly like a desperate little guy is trapped in there and needs us to help him get out. i hate this radiator and yet also have grown a fondness for it. something about its noisy insistence that its presence not be ignored is admirable to be. i am almost jealous of the radiator. i wonder if there’s asbestos in it, like at jamie and chris’s new house. i bet this building is full of asbestos actually. old main is alive to me, in a way that not all buildings are. i suspect that at night when no one’s here it stretches and shrinks and switches its rooms around, stairs reconfiguring themselves into exciting and impossible arrangements. and then right before the first person steps foot in here in the morning it carefully but forcefully snaps back into place, not a mousepad or pencil out of sight.