buzzin’ @groubee - Tumblr Blog

May 8

distance - nineteen

pairing: bucky barnes x female reader chapter summary: reality sinks in harder than bucky expected it to chapter warnings and contents: 18+ ONLY, angst, fluff, nightmare, roleplaying word count: ~8,150 author’s note: i don’t usually like putting personal stuff in the notes on these, but i wanted to let you all know i’ve been having really awful flareups recently and that’s partly why this story has gotten so inconsistent. i have a few months of scary big girl appointments and procedures and everything ahead of me, so it might stay a lil inconsistent for the time being, but i won’t ever abandon these two!! i’m with y’all ’til the end of the line :’) i’ll update when i can, and thank you all so much for your patience and support♡♡♡ as a lil bonus, i’ll be putting some behind the scenes kinda stuff in future notes!! and the first one is that in the original draft for this fic, bucky was supposed to have a second job as a janitor at the elementary school reader works at!!

! PLEASE READ AND HEED THE WARNINGS !

18+ only - do not repost - minors and ai dni - thank u

read more of ‘distance’

“go slower! it might not be completely frozen still!”

laughing under his breath, bucky let his next step fall harder, a puff of snow billowing up around his boot as it hit the ice beneath it.

“bucky, seriously! be careful!”

“it’s rock solid,” he grinned, glancing over his shoulder briefly before he continued forward across the lake.

his eyes squinted against the cold, zeroing in on the headstones he could make out in the distance. that’s where they were going. to see his parents.

“bucky, wait for me!”

he listened, halting his steps as his breath puffed out in thick plumes. he waited, and waited some more, growing impatient with each passing second.

“sweetheart, hurry up! it’s gonna be dark soon!”

when no response came, he turned around to find the landscape empty, no sign of her across the white expanse of the lake. he called out for her, looking into the trees to either side of him. nothing. the ice felt unsteady when he took a step toward where she had been behind him, only growing shakier the closer he got until it finally opened up to a crack, water sloshing over the jagged edges of frozen lake.

he was sinking into the water before he could even think, eyes frantic and burning agains the cold as he searched through the obsidian. further and further he went, watching as the sliver of light from where he had jumped in disappeared with each kick of his legs. his lungs began to burn, crying out for air in the depths. it all seemed hopeless, nothing but an endless black to every side of him, until a small break of light appeared over his head.

looking up, he could see hands wiping away at the snow that covered the ice. a face appeared in the cloudy window, voice muffled as they called out for him. and it was so familiar, he began to draw closer to it, arms swinging out to propel him to the surface. he was so close, was just about to make out who was on the other side when suddenly the light was gone, a figure floating by and blocking it out entirely. he reached for the body, recognizing her from the feel under his palms alone.

pulling her into him, the light broke through again, granting him a flash of her face where it was frozen in fear.

a shout of agony ripped up his throat, silent against the water when it rushed into his lungs. and then he was staring at a textured ceiling, his hand fisted in the thick of a comforter as he tried to catch his breath against the phantom constriction of water.

his heart was pounding, thudding in his ears almost as if he were still submerged. it felt like he was frozen beneath the ice, head heavy when he tried to turn it to his side. where he found her, fast asleep and safe, face soft with the serenity of slumber. his scream must not have managed to break through his dream, allowing her to remain sleeping while he fought against his own mind.

bucky couldn’t bring himself to reach out and touch her despite how desperately he wished to. just to feel her, solid and warm, under his palm. know that she was truly safe and everything had been a sick coalescence of his life and the things in it that were closest to him. so he was left to soothe himself on his own, tongue heavy when he tried to swallow. there was still a lingering burn in his throat, residual from how vivid his nightmare had been.

it was nothing more than hope, a dream, that he had found peace in one corner of his life and it would permeate throughout the rest. even in the security of her bed, a breath away from her embrace, his past could still find him and tear him apart from the inside out.

she slept with her television on, he came to learn. it was still on, blue glow of the screen flashing around the room until it was overtaken by the blues of morning light faintly beginning to pierce through her curtains.

when her alarm went off, he didn’t flinch from where he was stuck sinking further and further into his own head. she roused beside him, reaching a hand out to snooze the chatter of the morning radio dj before nuzzling back into her pillow. bucky was still too nervous to touch her.

almost as if the memory of the night before suddenly sprang into her mind, she opened her eyes, finding him where he was already watching her.

“morning,” she sighed, wiping at her face shyly.

“morning.”

the monotony of his voice caused her pause, a sickly feeling beginning to form in her stomach. “did you sleep okay?”

bucky gave a hollow nod. “mhm.”

it was enough to turn the feeling into a pit. the thought of him regretting their intimacy, of him pulling away again now that they had finally gotten so close... it was too much to take so early in the morning.

her alarm going off again saved her from the worried rambling she felt building on her tongue.

giving him one final look, she sat up to shut the alarm off completely, a moment passing before she fully stood up.

over the hiss of her bathroom faucet, she could hear him moving about her bedroom. softly, as if he was hesitating his movements. her mouth was full with the froth of toothpaste when she heard a knock at the door beside her.

when she opened it, he was standing there, eyes only passing over her fleetingly.

“i’m gonna go,” he croaked, attempting to clear his throat of the rasp.

“oh. yeah, yeah, okay. i’ll see you later?”

just a nod, that’s all he gave her before he started up the short hall toward her kitchen.

she waited, chest growing tighter with each breath, until she heard the small thud of the front door to slump against her vanity. if there was more time, she would have succumbed to the urge crawling up her spine and spent the morning losing herself in doubt and fighting back tears.

but there wasn’t any. she had to feed the cats and get dressed and make her way to the school. she had to put on a brave face and ignore the lead weight settling into her gut as fluorescent lights buzzed overhead and reminded her of him standing beneath them with a shy smile and an affectionate gaze. maybe she was overreacting. maybe this was how it always was. morning-after-awkwardness and all that. he had allowed her to be vulnerable in the moments after, and maybe he simply needed the same grace.

it still stung to get home and not find him waiting on her porch.

the contrast was strange. only a matter of days, but her house suddenly felt empty and cold without him taking up space on her couch. it felt awkward to eat alone and settle in for a surf through television channels when only a couple months before it had been all she knew.

she grew antsy, finally huffing as she sat up on her knees and turned around to her window, fingers prying at the blinds to glare across their yards. his lights were on, a subtle flickering under the yellow glow letting her know his own tv was on. biting into the inside of her cheek, she thought carefully about her next move for all of ten seconds before she was up and shoving her feet into whatever shoes were closest.

bucky was expecting it when a knock came at his door, his back already pried off of his couch so he could sit forward in anticipation of it. his palm was clammy when he reached for the knob, a guilty look on his face when it peeked around the edge of wood.

“was it too far?” she asked almost immediately, only hesitating when she initially saw the furrow of his brows. “if it was, i’m sorry, i- we can slow back down, or-”

“no,” he sighed, stepping back to let her into his home. “no, it’s not about last night... i mean, it is, but not that.” when her face just scrunched further in confusion, he took in a breath and ran his fingers through the side of his hair.

“you look exhausted.”

that managed to pull a small smile onto his lips. finding her gaze again, he confessed, “i had a nightmare.”

“last night?”

“yeah,” he winced, staring down at his floor.

from his reaction, she assumed she’d made an appearance in it again. and she was sympathetic, really, but her sympathy didn’t exactly soothe the pang of rejection she’d been left with all day.

“everything else has been so perfect,” he breathed, “i guess i thought that part of my life would be too.”

“the first time we ever spoke was after you had a nightmare,” she stressed, trying to duck into his line of sight. “i didn’t run then.”

when he gave in and locked eyes with her, she tried a smile, making his own creep back over his face. “no. you didn’t.”

but she also didn’t have to see into his head, live through the haunting images that plagued his rest and lingered when he woke. she didn’t have to grow sick with the fear of them coming true.

“bucky,” she whispered, reaching for his hand where it was balled into a fist.

he jerked away on instinct, skin pricking when he felt how cold hers was from the chill of the air outside. all he could see was her face, stuck in the wail of terror it had been in before he rose to consciousness that morning.

“bucky.”

it came firmer, just solid enough to have him snapping out of the paralysis he was slipping into and sighing before he leaned into her. she caught him as best she could, planting one foot behind her to bear his weight and wrap her arms around him.

“i’m sorry,” he croaked, burying his face in her neck and snaking his hand around to her back. she was warm there. warm and soft and full of life as she began to soothe her palms over his shoulders.

“it’s okay.”

he grimaced at her words, at the way she comforted him when he didn’t deserve as much.

“here,” she guided, keeping her hold on him as she stepped toward his couch.

they sunk onto the cushions still clinging to one another, his hand curling further around her to settle onto her lower back, slipping down and under her shirt in search of bare skin. her own came to cradle his nape, fingertips slowly scratching through the short hairs there as he steadied his breathing.

“do... do you think maybe it was because of what we did?” she kept her voice low, trying not to overwhelm him further. “i know you said it wasn’t about that, but maybe it just... was too much?”

bucky focused on the feel of her peach fuzz rustling under the pads of his fingers, how smooth and soft her skin was beneath it. “i don’t know.”

it was the truth. he still didn’t have control over certain corners of his brain, and that was a fact he had to reckon with. there was so much he had yet to experience, whether something from his old life or something brand new to him entirely, and he didn’t know how those things would affect him until they did. so maybe it was the way they had touched each other, the way they pried one another open so heatedly, that had sent his mind into a free fall. but...

“i liked it.”

her eyes flitted around his living room, the sound of his voice coming softly enough for her to doubt it at first. it was safe to assume he meant the intimacy they shared and not the nightmare that had him hiding away for the better part of the past twenty-four hours.

“i liked it, too,” she whispered, settling back slightly to force his face out of the crook of her neck. he fought it. “i also like knowing you still like me.”

bucky’s ribs constricted around his heart.

pulling back, he looked at the timidity on her face, the insecurity that he had allowed to bloom across her features.

“i don’t know if you noticed, but i kinda like you,” she joked weakly, “a lot.”

“sweetheart,” he breathed, using his hold to pull her closer so his lips could fall onto her forehead. her fingers fisted in his shirt. “i like you. i’ll always like you.” his chin bumped against her glasses when he moved to look at her again, causing them both to laugh breathily while she fixed them. he set his gaze on her with sincerity. “it’s me i’ve got a problem with.”

her eyes squinted at him, furrow tugging at her brows. “i don’t like you talking about my man like that.”

to make her point, she recoiled from him, crossing her arms across her chest to really sell the huff of annoyance she let out.

bucky was baffled for a moment, lips parting as her own twitched with a smirk. he mirrored it.

“your man, huh?” he echoed.

she nodded, “yes. who i’m very fond and protective of, thank you very much.”

he shook his head. “your man has a few hundred screws loose.”

“and i knew that when i chose him.”

there was no backhand to the statement, no indication that she had chosen him despite who he was.

“i want you now. i want you like this.”

the sentiment hadn’t escaped him in the heat of the moment it was uttered in, but it crashed into him even harder in the current one.

when he didn’t carry on with their banter, she peeked at him from the corners of her eyes, doing a double take when she saw how his had begun to shimmer. her hands reached for him again. “i’m just teasing you, i’m-”

her babbling got swept up in his kiss, a squeak hitting off the back of her throat when his hold on her grew desperate, fisting at her skin and clothing until they couldn’t possibly get any closer.

his eyes were still closed when he pulled back with a pant, hers flying open to stare at him.

“you’re just...” whatever he was trying to say lost against a stunted groan, leading into another bruising kiss that she floundered to keep up with.

they both let out hums of satisfaction, relieved to have the heaviness between them evaporated if only for the moment. he must have been smoking, the scent curling into her senses the same way the taste of beer on his tongue did. she pried for it, pushing into him with a heavy sigh that he matched with his surrender. he allowed her to press him back into the cushions so she could climb onto his lap. where his hand moved to settle on her hip, she caught it, fingers digging into his palm before they locked with his own and spread his arm out along the back of the couch. her other traced along his shoulders, going from metal to flesh as she drew in impossibly close.

bucky felt his nerves slightly heightened, the faintest presence of embarrassment from trying to keep up with her movements. the tilt of her head like practiced footwork against his awkward shuffling, a clash of noses akin to letting his shoe catch on her gown.

in the split second their lips disconnected to readjust, his tongue began to form an apology. one she didn’t allow him to speak, whether knowingly or unknowingly, when she nudged her forehead against his and forced their eyes onto each other.

“where do you wanna stay tonight?” she asked, just breathless enough for him to swallow harshly at the sound of her voice.

almost guiltily, he let his eyes fall shut again to mutter, “i think here. just...”

“that’s okay.”

a kiss fell onto his cheek.

“i don’t mind.”

another to his nose.

still humiliated to an extent, he looked up at her sadly.

she giggled at him almost sympathetically. “it’s okay,” she stressed, pushing his hair back again. “really. we’re not roommates. your name’s not on my mortgage, either.”

chuckling breathily, he winced, “ouch.”

“i’ve got enough freeloaders over there,” she chided, both of them looking over to where alpine was sprawled across the other end of the couch, dead asleep with a belly of fur on display.

they laughed, bucky stealing one last kiss before the weight of her was gone from his lap. their hands were still clasped, allowing him to bring hers up to his lips. she nudged his chin like he was always doing to hers when they were stood at his door. he let the touch encourage a smile across his face, eyes watching her where she trudged back to her home through the slowly melting snow.

he could still feel her lips against his, sighed when he let his fingertips trace over where they had been on his cheek. it was easy to forget all the turmoil he’d worked himself into when she was right there invading his senses. not so much once she was gone.

a long night and a short sleep before he was back at the shop, forcing laughter at tom’s rambling and smiles at cranky customers. he’d promised to stay a little later to make up for the snow day they’d taken, waving his boss off when he got challenged on the offer. keeping his hand busy was a welcome distraction to the flurry of thoughts whipping around his head.

he wasn’t like that before... everything. he’d had a week of clinging to his mother’s leg at the preschool drop-off and that was it. from then on, he was sure of himself and confident in his movements. star of the football team, top of his class, basking in the praise and good things that were granted to him. effortlessly so.

but now, in the aftermath of his service, he wasn’t sure how to embrace such things. the flirting had been one thing, daunting enough when he thought too hard about it. and then came wordless confessions, sharing a bed, the declaration of belonging to one another after a kind of intimacy that was fresh to them. all of which made his chest ready to burst with joy.

and that was why it stung so bad to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. to be looking over his shoulder in search of the looming dread that he couldn’t see with his eyes but felt in his bones. it’s just how his life went now. bad with the good, over and over.

he just hoped he could keep up appearances enough to not scare her off on his own.

“we’re closed,” he called from under the hood of the old truck he was looking at, rolling his eyes when the footsteps approaching him continued.

“guess i’m shit out of luck then, huh?”

at her voice, he peered around to see her leaning against the driver’s door. “what are you doing here?” he grinned.

her face went sour with a playful scoff. “that’s a hell of a way to talk to a customer.”

bucky’s brows furrowed, one quirking when she made a face at him like she was urging him along to do something. blinking, he caught up just in time to stop her from huffing in frustration at her failed attempt. “oh, i see,” he laughed, straightening his face when she glared at him. “sorry about that, miss. been a long day. how can i help you?”

she nodded quickly, approving of his act thus far. “i need to get my... tires rotated.”

bucky smirked. “your tires, huh?”

she nodded again, slower as she played into her role.

the garage was empty on the other side, all the other cars parked outside and ready to get picked up the next day. so he jerked his chin in the direction of the empty side. “alright. pull up over here, i’ll take a look at it.”

it wasn’t exactly protocol to have the customers drive their own cars up, but she didn’t seem to mind the stray from reality for her little show. bucky’s eyes had caught the clock when she stepped out. quarter after eight. guess he’d lost track of time.

when she rolled up in front of him, he rounded her car to pop open her door for her, earning a remark about ‘great customer service’ that made him chuckle through his act. really, though, he had been approaching her so he could lean in and catch her ear.

“just to be clear... i’m not actually supposed to be doing anything, right?”

“right,” she giggled.

“okay.”

pressing her lips together to contain her smile, she shook her head and stepped away from him. to busy herself, she paced along the walls, reading through the various newspaper clippings and awards from the local radio station. what bucky chose to occupy himself with was his own business. although, she couldn’t help but to glance over her shoulder at him, finding him crouched on the floor pretending to twist a wrench in the general direction of her front tire. a laugh bubbled up her throat, but she fought to keep it inside as she turned back.

“these are some good tires you got,” he tried, still finding the whole setup a little silly.

choosing to lean against a tool cart, elbows propped up behind her, she looked back to him just as he moved to the other side of her car. “they were a christmas gift.”

“some gift,” bucky whistled, twisting the wrench through the air again. “whoever got ’em for you must really care about you.”

“yes, i think he does.”

meeting her gaze over the hood of her car, he forced his face to stay stoic as he asked, “husband?”

she grinned before catching herself. “mm... neighbor, actually.”

“neighbor?” he chirped, raising his brows. “wow. wish i had a neighbor like that.”

“don’t like yours?”

he shrugged, standing back up to step toward her. “not too familiar with any of them.” the wrench made a quiet, metallic thud when he set it on the cart behind her, hand lingering so he could stay as close as he was. “i got one i don’t mind, though.”

her fists tightened briefly, a wave of excitement suddenly rushing through her at just what they were doing, what he was going along with. “what makes that one so special?”

half of his mouth curled into a smirk as he shrugged again. “she makes me food sometimes. listens when i need to get stuff off my chest.”

“sounds like she might like you.”

“it’s crossed my mind.”

he didn’t miss the way her eyes fell to his lips as he spoke, nor the way they shot back up and allowed him to watch as her pupils shrunk again under the sharp light overhead.

“you’re all set here,” he nodded, stepping back to regain some show of formality.

“thanks for squeezing me in after closing.”

“my pleasure.” and without missing a beat, he said, “it’s a hundred. after hours fee.”

stepping back over to her car, she made a show of reaching across to her passenger seat for her purse, feeling a sense of déjà vu come over her. “oh, shoot,” she pouted after digging around for a moment, hands pushing aside her wallet several times. “i seem to have forgotten my wallet.”

bucky couldn’t help the dopey grin that came across his face. “that so?”

she bit into her cheek as she looked up to him again, tossing her purse back over onto the seat before she stepped up to him. “is there maybe... some other way i could pay you?”

as she spoke, she batted her lashes at him, bucky’s throat bobbing around his swallow when her fingers came up to toy with the zipper of his coveralls.

he crumbled for a moment, breathing out, “i gotta wash up first, sweetheart.”

to make his point, he held up his hand to her, fingers flexed to show off the grime from the day’s work. before it could fall out of her sight, she grabbed it, keeping it in place as she let go of his zipper to reach for her own. it whirred as she opened her coat, his eyes following the movement.

“don’t,” she whispered.

bucky’s tongue felt heavy when he looked back to her. “don’t?”

shaking her head, she forced herself to hold his gaze, watching as he did the same once she began drawing his hand in to press it against her breast.

she had nothing on but a simple long sleeve shirt, paper thin and doing barely anything to keep him from feeling her through it. his brain was going a mile a minute, thinking of her coming home from work and getting comfortable for the evening. alone on her couch, waiting for him. until she grew too impatient and concocted the plan he found himself caught up in.

with a grunt, he forced his hand to her waist and spun them so she was shielded from the street.

“what are you up to?” he rasped, lips drawing closer to hers.

her hands found the tool cart again, shoulders scrunching up to frame her face as she grinned at him. “i felt like we left things... unfinished last night.”

a sharp laugh left his nose, head hanging between them before he looked back up to her. “you need to work on your euphemisms.”

“i never claimed to be a poet.”

“mhm.”

with a roll of her eyes, she reached forward to curl her fingers into the belt loops of his coveralls, tugging on them gently. “can i tell you something?”

bucky nodded, prompting her to tug on him again until he craned his neck down so she could whisper.

“i should have said i left you unfinished.” when he leaned back just enough to look her straight in the eyes, she continued, “not me.”

she could almost see the gears in his head spinning before a heaviness fell over his gaze, turning it sharp and piercing. his fingers on her waist curled tighter into her flesh, making her own go slack just as he pushed his palm across her back to her opposite hip. there he took hold of her jeans, using the leverage to spin her and send her grasping for purchase on the smooth metal of his tool cart.

breath coming faster, she sighed at the press of his cheek to hers, his chest encasing her back.

there was a moment where bucky felt this tug, this urge to give himself over to the baser instincts crawling up his spine. he became lost in it, muscles moving on their own, guiding his hand to the button of her jeans. they curled him further around her, a sting so cold it nearly burned stopping him in his tracks.

he managed to bite back his wince, masking it under a harsh exhale that she listed into him in response to.

his shoulder, the mangled one that he had trained himself not to rely on any longer, searing with pain from how he had attempted to wrap an arm around her that hadn’t existed for years. it was but another reminder of the way things had changed. the ways he had changed.

“are you okay?”

she spoke softly, resting her hand over his equally so, fingertips tracing along his knuckles as she waited for an answer. he couldn’t give her one.

“we don’t have to,” she said, “this was...” a quiet laugh. “kind of a crazy idea.”

it was too much to admit what had stopped him, even if he knew she would offer him nothing but an understanding smile. instead, he found himself falling back from her, watching as she turned to face him again with a look of worry.

before she could ask him again if he was okay, he put on his best innocent smile. “i should take you on a date first,” he settled on. “this isn’t right.”

one of her brows quirked at him.

“not- i didn’t mean it’s not right what we’re doing or... done. just that... i don’t know. i like taking a girl out first.” his eyes fell away a moment. “or i used to, at least.”

taking his hand in hers, she hesitated at the way he tried to pull it back at first, smile faltering.

“i’m filthy,” he lied, covering his initial reaction to her touch.

she swallowed harshly enough to hear it pound against her eardrums. “wanna go to the movies?”

“now?” he asked, watching her nod. “i-i gotta feed alpine. she’s probably already planning my demise.”

that same pit from the day before was growing in her stomach, accompanied by a searing along the top of her skin. it was too much. whether he would admit it or not, she knew it was. she’d gotten too familiar with him too quickly and turned him off from her. showing up at his work and trying to get in his pants... what the hell was she thinking?

bucky felt his teeth ready to crack from how hard his jaw was clenched. “what do people wear to the movies nowadays?”

her eyes met his again, starting to regain some of the light that had faded from them.

“um... clothes?” she laughed. “when you said you enlisted in eighty-four, would that be 1884 by chance?”

he had to laugh with her, fingers entwining with hers to her delight.

“i wouldn’t care if we went in our pjs,” she beamed, “but then you might fall asleep...”

“okay, i get it,” he huffed, “i’m old and you’re a comedian.”

her smile only grew. it was their friday movie night after all. their first as a couple.

“i’ll meet you back at the park, just let me close up.”

nodding, she gave his hand a firm squeeze and leaned up to kiss the corner of his mouth.

bucky watched her go with his smile holding firm, managing to wait until she rounded the side of the shop to curl over on himself and let out the painted grunt he’d been wanting to let out. it happened every now and then, mostly when he had just woken up and was still foggy with sleep, that he would jerk in just the wrong way to have a nerve ending firing off from whatever piece of metal was fused to it haphazardly. the pain was it’s own kind of torment, mental anguish it triggered the worst of it. there was an added sting to it that time. one that had him wishing he could have really wrapped himself around her and held her as she shook under his touch.

she was still in the same clothes that she had come by the shop in when he knocked on her door. alpine was fed, he was showered, and she was still watching him with that hint of trepidation that anyone else might miss.

“what are we going to see?” he asked after they were both strapped into her car.

“this penguin movie that came out a couple months ago. some of the kids at school keep talking about it, so i’m curious.”

“it’s a kids movie?”

she hesitated a moment. “yeah... is that okay?”

“yeah,” he chuckled, “as long as it’s not some slasher, i’m fine with anything.”

“no slashers. got it.”

the theater was decently full, to be expected of a friday night, and bucky took the pressure of people in line behind them to pay for their tickets without her arguing against it. but she still couldn’t help herself as they stepped past the ticketing booth.

“that’s really annoying, you know.”

his mouth curled into a lazy smirk, shoulder shrugging while he shoved his wallet back in his pocket. “cry about it.”

she squinted at him but didn’t push the issue further.

“you can get me some snacks,” he offered, motioning to the concession stand.

handing over his ticket, she placed hers in one hand and grabbed onto his elbow with the other. “we’re not getting snacks.”

“that my punishment?” he grinned, allowing her to pull him along. “you run a tight ship.”

her only response was a mischievous smile that she wiped off her face as they approached the kid checking tickets.

“last one on the right,” they droned.

they were the only ones in the theater when they walked in, movie toward the end of its run and every kid in the town having already come to see it. she went along when he asked to sit in the back, the two of them plopping down in the center of the row. under the cover of dimmed lights and an empty auditorium, bucky watched as she began digging through her purse.

pulling out the first plastic bag, she popped it open and handed it to him, watching as he took it curiously before laughing. while he studied its contents, she pulled something else from her purse and handed it over as well, getting a bark of laughter from him for it.

“you’re trouble,” he hummed, setting his bag of snacks aside so he could place the beer bottle between his legs and pop the top off.

“if we get busted, i’ll need you to take the fall for me.”

he nodded around his first sip, setting the bottle into the cup holder between them. “i can do that. tom’ll let me keep working for him with a record.”

there was just enough time for him to catch her smile before the lights went out entirely and they turned their gazes to the screen.

bucky hadn’t been sure what exactly to expect, but he found himself chuckling at the movie before the atmosphere grew tense. more than a few times, he looked over to find her biting into her cheek and steadying her breaths to keep the tears rimming her lashes from spilling over. he knew it would happen when he did, but he couldn’t stop himself from setting his beer aside to wrap his arm around her, triggering the dam to break over her cheeks. she let him wrap his hand around her bicep and rub at it gently as she cried, his whisper to ask if she was okay getting a nod in response.

it wasn’t until the credits began to roll and the lights came back on that she let out a heavy sigh.

“i didn’t really mean for you to cry, sweetheart,” he teased, trying to lift her spirits with a callback to her annoyance over him paying for their tickets.

she didn’t meet his quiet laughter, not entirely. when he drew closer to wipe at her cheeks, arm still wound around her, she leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder.

“it’s just sad,” she sniffled, voice small and shaky. “we’re failing this planet and everything on it. each other...”

bucky exhaled against her forehead, lips ghosting her skin where it was heated with emotion. it had stunned him a bit, too, how heavy the messaging was, but she clearly was taking it harder than he was. when another hiccup rocked her form, he cupped his hand under her chin and guided her to look up at him, thumb soothing across her jaw.

“there’s still time,” he cooed, “there’s always time.”

staring at him, she felt her lip tremble again before she stuttered out a breath and fought against the arm rest between them to fall into him. “sorry,” she mumbled, “i’ve been feeling... moody lately.”

bucky only shook his head, running his knuckles over her cheek and letting his hand fall back to her bicep. “i like that you care so much.”

he held her through it, feeling his chest grow heavier with each passing moment. it had already been a hard day, a hard few days if he was honest, and now the crushing weight of the vulnerability of the woman in his hold was doing exactly that. crushing him.

it wasn’t a question whether or not he was staying over at her house for the night. he’d have to be a monster to leave her standing there in her kitchen with heavy eyes and wet lashes. he pressed a long kiss to her forehead and watched her shuffle into her bathroom before he went to grab alpine. the shower was running when he came back, his shoulders stiff as he locked up for the night and padded into her bedroom.

only a small lamp on her desk lit the room before he turned her tv on, his clothes peeling off him like lead weights that he left in a heap on his side of the bed. his side of the bed. that was a new thought. it was the same side as he slept on at home, naturally gravitating toward the spot closest to the door. and judging by which side she kept her nightstand on, he assumed he wasn’t displacing her. they just seemed to fit in those ways, the ways that would otherwise go unnoticed in one’s everyday life. but once there was another taking up space, they became so glaringly obvious it was almost hard to remember a time they were unconscious.

she was silent when she stepped into the room, wrapped in a towel as she dug through dresser drawers. his thumb scratched over the back panel of her tv remote, eyes tracing over her form when she draped the towel on a hook hanging from the back of her door. they stayed on her, following the drag of cotton up her legs and the snap of elastic around her hips. her hand as it reached to shut off the lamp. the bed creaked slightly when she finally crawled in beside him, settling onto her back so her own eyes could find the tv screen.

bucky moved slowly to place the remote on her stomach, her hands taking it as his snaked under her neck and onto her bicep once more. the sweatshirt she had put on was thinner than her coat, easier to feel through where he rubbed at her gently. there were a million and one thoughts in her head, he could see them pulling her brows tighter and forcing her lips into a pout. he knew the feeling. too well. how would hers differ from his? how would they compare?

movement at the end of the bed caught his eye, her cat slowly creeping closer to them.

“he wants to lay on my chest,” she said, moving her hands higher so she could pat her chest in encouragement.

“should i move?” bucky asked.

“no, it’ll freak him out.”

so he stayed put, watching as the cat walked up cautiously and stared at him a moment. another pat to her chest finally calmed his tiny nerves enough for him to step up and come to lay mere inches from her face.

a gentle rumble started, growing into a purr the likes of which he hadn’t heard since alpine was nothing more than a handful of white fur. it made a smile break out across his face as he watched her rake her fingers across her cat’s face, scratching at his nose and cheeks and lulling him into a state of comfort that had him stretching his legs out and onto her neck. her fingers moved to stroke up and down his legs, purring coming to a head before he suddenly got up and moved to her desk chair.

“that’s what he does most nights,” she sighed, “gets his pets and then goes off somewhere else.”

bucky was still smiling, his thumb still rubbing across worn stitches adorning her skin. “that was sweet. you’ve got a real special connection.”

“until he leaves me for the desk chair.”

he laughed breathily, rolling onto his side to lean in and kiss her forehead.

“i call him chairman meow.”

it caught him so suddenly he didn’t have enough time to pull away before he snorted, breath puffing out across her skin. he pulled her closer, relieved when she curled into him.

before she even moved, she knew it would be a mistake to look at him, the fear confirmed when she did. moody had been an understatement in regards to how she felt the past few days. unbalanced and overly sensitive, constantly on edge with a feeling of needing to do something or be somewhere but no real direction. so when her hand came up to push his hair back and cup his cheek, she got swept away in the sight of him.

each line etched into his face, the way the hairs of his beard crossed over one another, snapping back after her thumb traced through them. she took in every detail individually and then altogether, wondering what his face would have looked like in the window between the adolescence she saw in photographs and the man before her. it made her chest grow tighter, the reality that there was no record of him for so long. no glossy pictures to cut into scrapbook shapes, candid ones that captured the infancy of his adulthood as those around him would have seen it. and if there did exist any documentation of him during such a time, she hoped to never have to see it.

bucky watched as her eyes began to shimmer again, her lashes fluttering shut before she drew closer. he accepted her kiss, held onto her securely enough to let her know he knew. he had come to learn, specifically throughout the day, that she used intimacy to connect back to him when she felt something growing between them that felt hollow.

it was somehow humiliating and relieving to realize that he had caught on to her insecurity. humiliating because she was ashamed of the instinct, would normally get a sense of dread in her stomach when she found herself offering herself over to someone in hopes of keeping them interested. relieving when that dread didn’t come and a burst of want formed in its place instead. as much as her head wanted to find its way to that dark place it always fled to, her body had come to trust the safety it found in his presence.

her thighs clenched as their breathing grew heavier, panted between smacks of their lips that echoed in the quiet. his hand splaying across her back did her in, a final smack sounding before she pulled away to nudge her nose into his.

“you’ve taken me on a date now,” she whispered, thumb finding the corner of his mouth to feel it curl into a smirk.

“i have...”

so she forced her free hand between them, aiming for his boxers, halted when he ripped his own from around her to grab it. her eyes found his, worry meeting assertion.

“like before,” he rasped, staring into her gaze as it flickered with thought until she picked up on his instruction.

she felt her face flood with heat, skin pricking with goosebumps under the brush of sheets where she rolled through them, coming to settle with her back to his chest again. like before.

bucky forced his palm under her waist, shifting closer so there wasn’t even enough room for air between them. his chin hooked over her shoulder, lips brushing her ear as he breathed, “i wanna make you feel good.” the backs of her knees pressed to his, legs fully flush together. “can i?”

her mouth fell open as she nodded, breaths puffing past them as his fingers brushed the waistband of her panties. they slipped in effortlessly, moving with just as much ease to part her so his middle could push between her and find where she had guided him to the night before last. he’d paid attention, she found, back arching under his touch and hips pressing into his.

a grunt sounded from him, muffled against her sweatshirt where his lips had been resting, eyes watching her carefully. the more her brows furrowed, the more she curled forward, forcing him to follow after her until he was almost draped over her, hand trapped between her thighs the tighter they clamped together. sliding his middle finger down, he groaned at the feel of her growing damper, swirling it around to coat his fingertip and drag it back up to her clit.

“this how you were last night?” he swallowed, chasing after her to pepper kisses to her jaw. “hm?”

the moan she had been trying to hold in slipped out at the sound of his voice. even just the sound of his breathing made her shiver, the rock of her hips back into his forcing quiet grunts from his lips. she could feel him, firm and straining against her backside through nothing but two layers of thin fabric. it made her mind flash with images of his head thrown back, an ache in her jaw before warmth flooded her throat.

another moan gasped out of her as her one hand found his forearm and the other fisted in her sheets. the touch was grounding at first, a way for her to anchor herself to him under the mounting pressure, but it grew into a hungry guidance. his fingers slipped lower, knuckles now rubbing at her bud so he could press into her with more force, encouraging the way she was rocking her ass back into him.

“bucky,” she huffed, shaking when he groaned in reply.

the heat behind her eyes was almost unbearable, rivaled only by the one growing in her core. it seared and pulsed, spreading just far enough to have her clenching up in anticipation before it shrunk back into a concentrated burn. one pump of his hand hit at just the right angle, the seam of his boxers hooking against his tip and making him jerk behind her.

“f-fuck, baby...”

the desperate, wet sound of his voice set off the spark within her, grip on him and her sheets tightening enough to have her knuckles aching with the force. his lips fell to her neck, pulling her skin between them to feel the vibration of her moan and taste the dew of sweat.

her eyes were squeezed shut, static and bursts of blue and red filling the black space. with another clench of her stomach, seizing up her entire body, she released the tension within her, breath coming slow and heavy as aftershocks broke out beneath her skin.

“y’okay?” he whispered, letting his lips ghost across the patch of her neck they’d just abused.

she nodded, couldn’t muster the strength to do much else as she continued to try and steady her labored breaths.

bucky grinned against her, finally stilling his fingers to grant her some mercy. “i liked that little squeak you made at the end there.”

if she could, she would have groaned, but the sound came out weak and strained as she turned to bury her face in her pillow, a futile attempt to escape his laughter.

he began pulling his hand from her panties, trying his best not to wipe his fingers on her, but failing at the very end. her stomach jumped under the brush of liquid silk against it, another forceful sigh leaving her when he settled his palm on her thigh and held onto her through the flood of emotion crashing through her.

bucky couldn’t see the tears spilling past her lashes, but he knew they had fallen when she released her bed sheets to wipe at them. her pulse was racing under his lips, hammering at her throat relentlessly.

one bend of her knee to relieve the stiffness in her limbs had her pressing back into him again, the unmistakeable outline of him still as firm and prominent against her. but again, he stopped her when she went to reach for him.

“relax,” he cooed, “just relax.”

he spoke to the both of them. that’s all they had to do was relax into the care of each other and let whatever had come before then fade into the background. it could be so simple if they could, if their lives up until that point suddenly became moot and they were allowed to just be with one another. and there was a moment, a brief moment where he felt her grow heavier in his hold and the sound of a car door shutting outside roused him from a slumber he hadn’t realized he fell into. a moment where he thought maybe they could have that simplicity.