Welcome to My Rollercoaster

Growth is every day. Hispanic, Married, Female in my 20s. New Yorker. SpEd teacher. Started out as a teacher blog but it's kind of evolved on its own now... There's a little bit of: teaching, parenthood, therapy journey, random musings, etc!

[growthliveshere]

I wish weekends had an extra day where I didn't have to adult. No momming, wifing, etc... just straight potato'ing.

[growthliveshere]

My school is screwing over a good handful of us SPED teachers over with an absolutely atrocious schedule (following one ICT class to all their core classes) and it goes against our contract but it doesn't seem like anyone will grieve it so I'm kinda stuck with it because I don't want a target on my back and so I'm back to looking around at other jobs and what I can do because I truly just CANNOT with the state of education.

[growthliveshere]

Started medication for my ADHD (and still keeping my anti-anxiety). I don't want to jinx it but it's been a week and it's ok.

[growthliveshere]

I've been back to school shopping for myself and fucking loving it.

[growthliveshere]

I'm going to unpack this in therapy tomorrow but I'm brain dumping now.

When I've calorie counted before, I've gotten obsessed and truly shitty with myself over it. But I am aware of CICO and that it's much more important than something like only doing exercise in hopes of losing weight.

Even that, losing weight... Yes I'm aware weight is just a number. I've regained some of the pregnancy weight I lost though and man do I feel some kind of way about that... And also, while the BMI chart is outdated, I am hella overweight and the worse part --- I *feel* gross. The chips and chocolate and ice cream I've been consuming only tastes good for a bit and then I over do it (hi, binge) and then I feel disgusting, bloated af, and heavy.

I have no clue where I'm going with these thoughts but I'm looking forward to unpacking this shit in therapy tomorrow because man I've got Some Serious Thoughts.

My therapist pushes me to think of "adding" things in vs "removing" so for example I've been working on adding more vegetables (and have finally found something that's working a bit for me!). And I like that. I do.

But also I think I need to get more serious about healthier eating...

I know myself enough to know that I like to hyperfixate on shit and fantasize about what life ~*can~* be and this could possibly be one of those moments. But this has been years... Years and years of wanting to change things and never sticking to it and I just want to stop talking and fantasizing and actually DO IT.

I'm realistic - I don't expect (nor want) to cut out junk and all that yummy shit. But I DO want to cut back on the frequency and I want to stop eating my feelings and all that jazz...

[growthliveshere]

I hadn't felt self-conscious after baby #2 until yesterday. Visited my coworkers-turned-friends-foeva and took pictures. Wooooow were the pictures unflattering AF.

Logically, it was: bad angle, my outfit was comfy and cozy and loose which added to me. Even if, I just had a whole baby a little more than two months ago - it's ok!

But damn did I cringe 😭

[growthliveshere]

Baby fussed and kicked in his bassinet so I got up with him and took him to the living room to have a baby bottle. Putting him down for a moment led to him falling back asleep.

So yay, I get a few moments to myself, woohoo. It's 6am! Maybe I'll make some coffee (although our espresso machine is loud AF but I'll figure it out)?

Toddler wakes up at 6:14am... After going to bed last night way past his bedtime at 9:30pm-ish.

😐

I love them both so much but WTF go back to bed.

[growthliveshere]

Baby's 6ish weeks and he must be going thru a growth spurt because whew 🥴

Formula is expensive. Formula is hella expensive when you're kid just eats and eats and eats.

I'm going back to work for the last two school days. Meh.

I've kind of figured Notion out. I haven't touched my paper planner all week and instead have kept most of my life planner shit on Notion.

[growthliveshere]

Current Hyperfixation: Notion

Current Frustration: Notion

There is SO MUCH and I want to learn everything so I've been meshing diff templates together but like holy cow is there a learning curve I feel like because man it seems like lots of coding I think? I can't figure out very simple things and it's pissing me off but I'm trying to push through because I really do like the thought of a life planner thing on Notion. What a learning curve 😐

[growthliveshere]

Skipped therapy this week and right now I'm feeling super anxious af and mannn I might need to go up in my SSRIs. I had PPD/PPA with my first so I'm aware of what to kinda look for but eeeeeek.

[growthliveshere]

Baby's now a month old 🤯

I celebrated my birthday - I'm 31 🎉

Both husband and I are on parental leave which is AMAZING. Toddler still goes to school (well, 3K). We're all adjusting. He loves being a big brother but is adjusting to the whole, not having all of our attention thing.

I'm on maternity leave and won't be going back this school year at all andddddd I have a little connection at a nearby school so I may be interviewing (????) and my brain has started to rationalize and tell me, oh maybe my current school is really not that bad (and like, it's not That Bad but there's lots of things I really don't like) and yeah.

That's my update.

[machine-saint]

we justifiably give Biden a lot of shit but I think "at least 3" is the funniest possible response to some right wing dipshit asking you how many genders there are

[madnessofmen]

wait it gets better

[growthliveshere]

Wait is this real?!

[incidentalcomics]

[growthliveshere]

Surprise had my baby a day before 37wks. INSANELY fast birth, no epidural because I was too dilated by the time I got to the hospital, I had literally just went to work in the morning but left at 12 and had our kiddo by 3! But he's here! And healthy! And holy crap I'm a mom of 2!!!

[growthliveshere]

I'm a sad puking, pooping, pregnant mess as I go into my 37th week of 2nd pregnancy... Oh and there's state exams this week... And I still haven't received my 2nd observation so who knows when admin will pop up...

[growthliveshere]

36 weeks.

This has turned into a baby watch Tumblr.

I'm still working somehow.

Plotting a way to leave work earlier than my due date because guys, I Just Cannot.

[growthliveshere]

I'm in A Mood and I want to cry and I can't because I'm at work but yeah, Everything is Hard Right Now and I'm over it.