Did you really expect somebody like me to wait however long it would have taken for you to be able to be here? You know me by now. This might make me a terrible person, oh well. Yes, I'm sorry that you're hurt. No, I'm not sorry I started that conversation with him and no I'm not sorry things have developed the way they have.
I'm happy. That's what's important to me right now, as selfish as it is. I wish I could help you. I wish you could be okay with things the way they are. I understand why you're not. I get it, I really do, but you can't expect me to change who I am just for you. I don't change for anybody but me. I can't do anything to help you if you're expecting me to forego my own happiness that much to help you.
You knew going into this that I'm polyamorous. You knew from the start that you weren't going to be my ~one and only~ You knew there was at least one other "pet" online, so why would you not expect I'd eventually find one IRL? No, I was not looking, I literally drunkenly stumbled upon this one, but that doesn't make me any less happy with it.
You say you wanted to be my "first" for this particular type of thing. But realistically, how long would it have taken before we could even meet in person? One year? Two? More? I've only very recently begun exploring myself more and becoming more active and social about my interests, so of course I'm going to find somebody nearby that shares them.
I'm really sorry that I hurt you so much with this, that you had to leave and couldn't even talk to me about it. It may be insensitive on my part, but I do hope that soon you come to terms with it at least enough that we can talk and go back to the way we were.
I know you won't see this, but you know I'm here to talk when you're ready.
I'm going to try to get this all in one post. I want to try to explain to myself and others how I feel about everything.
I've been very frustrated lately. The people around me have noticed and keep asking if I'm okay. Yes. I'm okay. No, I can't really explain fully why I've been so...abrasive lately. But I'm gonna try my best.
This came out longer than I expected and I am sorry.
I'll start out by saying that I'm certainly not physically male. Most of the time I'm not even mentally male (though it happens more often lately). But this side of me is becoming more prevalent and needs an outlet.
There's a strange personality shift between my normal, cisgender pansexual female self and my ~other side~ that wants to be a gay boy. My normal self, I'll just say A to make it easier (B for the other side), is happy most of the time, with a lot of anxiety and she's affectionate and loving. B is...a bit of a dick, honestly. Very little anxiety there, which is strange to me. He'll speak his mind, he's sarcastic, vulgar. He's quite aggressive sometimes, actually. It's the aggression that I think is throwing people off. A is definitely not aggressive in the least.
I would love nothing more than to be able to physically switch between the two. Completely. This may be a common thing with genderfluidity, though I've never really talked with anybody that's genderfluid about it, so I have no clue. But...since I can't, it wouldn't feel right to even pretend. Like, it doesn't bother me when people refer to me as "he" online. It never has. In fact, for a long time I just stayed androgynous and let people make up their own minds. However, as I've developed, it's increasingly difficult to look andro in real life. I'm incredibly feminine in many ways. So, I think having people do it IRL would just feel...wrong? I can't fully explain why. It just makes me uncomfortable, but not because I have anything against being called male. I don't know.
My husband knows about my gender identity/fluidity. He's entirely supportive and wants to do what he can to help me feel better and help combat any dysphoria I might have. I love him so much and I'm so grateful that he's so supportive of everything I do. I think part of my problem is that he's jumping into certain aspects of it before I've even had a chance to think things out.
Even my sex life is taking strange turns and I'm not sure how to handle it yet. I find it interesting that both A and B have very high sex drives, and have certain dominant similarities, but where A is pansexual and just happy to have sex (lol), B is completely homosexual. B wants nothing to do with females in the slightest. I feel like this can't even be normal? I mean, beyond the fact of genderfluidity anyway. The fact that both sides have their own sexuality and personality and identity.
I'm not sure what else I want to say about this and I may add on at another time. idk, we'll see.
I'll also say that for the purposes of this blog, I will only be referring to myself as B. (In that, when I talk about myself and say I and me, it'll be in reference to the gay boy side of me. After all, this is his blog.) And thank you for reading!
jacobvanloon
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