self thoughts

or whatever the hell it is

[grumpylads]

21st October 2023

Hi guys, it is 611 pm on Saturday evening. I just finished my Innovation class, a part time master programme i took out of curiosity and could be opprtunity. Getting into classes made me realised, i am always that student, that same student as i was when i was at school, at my foundation years, at my degree years. I am a passive student. I took longer times to process academic questions and had low self esteem in presenting academic materials. However, after 3 years of working, i saw that passive student were actually a proactive engineer. I am a confident engineer, i communicate well, i am diligent, owning the position, i believe in myself and know what i do. Does that mean i dont belong in corporate world. Did i do better in execution rather than using the jargon to sort things out? still finding out. I am getting married on this December guys! I cannot believe it. I feel so excited to build a new life with my current fiance. He is the sweetest companion i ever had since i was born. I can confide in him and tell him everything about me, the good , the bad, the tears, the jokes. He will respond so lovingly calling me 'My love', or Sayangku. Despite being excited, planning through the wedding is the hard part of this journey. It is lonely financially, but Faiz always find his way to teman me along this journey. I guess this blog is like the place where i coul d meet my old person. If she could look at me now, she'll be all excited and happy. It is still a scary life, but we will go through this together. Wish me the best life!

[grumpylads]

Time passing by

Being able to fulfil your dreams does not guarantee a perfect life. I bought a car, but still can't bring nazran out of his depression so that we can all go on trips together as a family. Being able to finally stand straight without any anxiety doesnt mean u can finally belong.

[grumpylads]

Today is 20th June 2023

Hi everyone. Just an update about me. I am now a mechanical engineer. If the young Solehah can read this, she might be relieved. Can’t believe I am a different person now. Does not mean I am that successful. But I did bought a car for my family. I am in engineering field. I found the love of my life and I am getting married on December! Looking back, i prayed for so many things, and God gave everything that I prayed for. However, wishes kept getting bigger and adds up day by day making this life a lifetime race. Currently i am taking a part time master. I loved the subjects but hated the people in it. I am actually having a constant tense and stressful mind these days. It baffled me how before all of this, the stress is not this much. I guess that s the price u have to pay for all of the wishes.

[grumpylads]

it is the second week of 2022.

Did I just skip my 2021 post? Definitely. So much has going on betwwen my previous post until today. Little did 2020 solehah knew what was coming. All blessings and love. I graduated, i landed a job, met someone who loves me n miss me as much as i love and miss him, took another job, moved out to another part of Malaysia. and it has been so long since journalling.

[grumpylads]

26th February 2020

it’s 2020 guys! it seems like this blog is going to get one post each year. at last, tonight I had enough sleep, enough foods in my stomach and breezy air coming into my room. so, I just wanted to say how thankful I am for everything right now. of course, another side of my life is so damn sad and we almost trapped inside the problem circle. but my university life is doing great guys! I am always a dork. a nerd. a weirdo. but friends around me are so kind I feel so thankful to have them in my life. I am taking a good care of myself. I want to be better. and Im doing okay.

I got used to rejection. and it’s fine. sometimes I missed someone that I like so much, and it saddens me that the person doesn't miss me as much as I miss him. but u can’t force people to love you. I believe, one day, someone will me as much as I miss them. for now, I just neeed to lean on myself. 

im also a bit worried about my future, this is my last semester guys! I need to find a job real quick because I have so many mouth to feed, im scared that I might mess things up or anything because im just a noob. seeing myself as the one who feeds the family scares the hell out of me. but that’s the fact. that’s my responsibility. so I have to be strong. and wise. and diligent. and all the good things that a great person be, I must be that huh? just thinking about that already makes me tired. lol

so, what is my 2020? still too early to figure out. I just hope 2020 smells like my shampoo. it smells like candies, rainbows and unicorn. wish me luck!

[grumpylads]

2019 :)

so I guess this is the first post for 2019? I seldomly write things, nowadays. first, because people starts labelling this platform for bad things. and second, because too many things happened. remember the last time I told u I was living outside the campus? it was a very happy experience. I really enjoyed it. I am now at the end of my 7th semester and I lived at the town. a bit far from my campus, but we got a shuttle bus so everything is fine. I fell in love again. as usual, I fell too deep and get hurt. nothing new :( but I am completely fine. I guess I just have to bear with it. and this year is specifically just me trying to move on. nothing else. but i crosscheck so many things, I am so proud of myself. if you guys scrolled down to those older post, u guys will know how hard I was struggling with social anxiety. but then I worked very hard to deal with it. I worked part time just to make sure I adapt well with new places. I talked to new people tho I fear them so much. I do things that doubt me, and it actually went well. some people might look down on me, for who I am. but then that doesn't make me stop being who I am. 2019 Is so messy. I fell in love and of course that guy doesn't love me back. this whole one sided love situation sometimes makes me so sad, in my mind I kept saying things like I am not beautiful enough, not fun enough, not lovely enough, I wore spectacles, I am cringy and awkward, I am this and I am that. I know for him, I am not enough for him to love me. it is okay. everyone is looking for something. that something to complete his void. maybe I wont complete his void. and I should understand that. I am also looking for something to complete the void in my life. he looks like that something, but maybe he’s not the one. 

sometimes, I feel extremely sad I don't even want to get out of my bed. sometimes, seeing him ignoring me, makes me wants to sleep the whole day, because it is so painful I don't even want to feel it. to make it worse, my roommate is staying inside the campus this semester. so I am with new friends. but at first, when I still cannot adapt new stay and still extremely sad, that was 5 weeks ago, those are the worst weeks, but then I adapt, I have moved on, I sleep well and I pray for my happiness.

I think I am still sad because I ate a lot and as soon as sadness hits me, I put on earphone and sleep. just for you guys to know, I stopped wearing earphones for a year, but then I had to break that rule because I cannot bear it anymore, 

I also completed my internship. which is great. a very heartwarming experience which I didn't regret :) 

so who am I for 2019? what kind of person I want to be? 

I want me to be someone who take a good care of herself. mentally and physically. I want me to be a beautiful and neat solehah. a colourful solehah. I want me to smell like candies and flowers. I will wear whatever I wanted to wear. I want me to be happy. no matter how pessimist the situation and the people, at the end of the day, I will put closure to that messy day, and be happy, happiness doesn't mean to smile all the time, for me, it means that u wanted to live this life. u have plans. u know what makes u happy and will fight for it. 

for 2020, I hope I can work extra hard to fight for my dreams. these days im going bare minimum, not much spirit in studying. in beauty got so much spirit pulak huh solehah? hahhahaha. phew, it feels so good to be able to write again. 

my vocabulary are so low because I don't read books anymore these day,  but I feel the urge to write everyday. till then, bye peeps <3

[grumpylads]

I heard a thunder

And it feels very close to my heart. Because since last night. I did nothing but cry. Silently. In the bathroom and in my heart. It hurts so much that i started to sob uncontrollably. I just received a bad news. About my family state. It saddens me that i made my parents worried. That's the last thing i wanted them to be. A worried parents. And it made me realized, how alone i am, in this. I got only God. And i sobbed to him. Talked to him. Since forever. I am in such a bad state. I am sad. And i dont want to be defensive, or tried to be positive. I just want to acknowledge this sadness. I know i need this to wake up, to grow from whatever dream i am dreaming. And hopefully, i'll get tired of this sadness, and grew out of this stronger. Till then, i'll just play all of the sad playlist i have in my phone

[grumpylads]

It would be easier

If my life was simpler. I got back from someone's wedding only to find chaos at home. It was a joyful travel and get together with friends. So it hurts so much that i have to go back home to see the wreckage. And then my parents fought. Again. About the same fucking problem. That one of them didnt even try to solve. It somehow a reminder from God. That i dont deserve the happiness that my friends get. During that wedding, we talk about our dreams, happy things, plans, and how possible a dream day can be. But then it all went away as soon as i arrived home. And i can handle that. Ive been through that couple times. Im good at that now. To feel the pain and nobody s there to assure me. Never got one actually. So i just took a deep breath, and relax. Feel the pain. And breathe. Hold the tears and make it go back. Play some music. And just wait until it pass.

[grumpylads]

When u r beautiful, u r a special gems. No matter how bad you are, people will still look at u and saw beauty. Even when you talk about garbage, or u r just a plain dumb person, people will still take care of you. When you walk arrogantly, they will say u r pretty, when you walk while staring the earth, they will say you walk humbly, when you talk, they say u r chatty. when you act weirdly, they say she is carefree. But when ugly people walk confidently they say she's self centred. When she walk staring the earth, she has a low self esteem. When she talks, they hates it. When she acts weirdly, she s a weirdo

[grumpylads]

Hi

Im already in the middle of my fifth semester. Didnt write much these past few months but then everytime something good happens i have this urge to write about it. I am a bit moody tonight so i guess i should clear my mind a bit. So let's start with my last semester break. It was a very long and fun 3 months break. I remember feeling so happy and appreciated every moments spent with mum n my family. I remember wanting to write every emotions i felt that time but then i got lazy. I remembered celebrating Eid and feeling so happy because Lan decided to wear his Baju Melayu which is a miracle. And then second raya we went back to Johor for the annual barbecue and staying at Air Papan chalet. And i realised that my anxiety didnt even go away which is not awesome at all but i still able to enjoy everythings there. And then got back from raya, we send Lan to IKBN as he got accepted there for a diploma which is GREAT and an absolute miracle too. I felt so happy for him but then throughout the day we wanted to send him there, it was very hard. Because he didnt want to go there. However we manage to get him registered and left him and went home. I started my part time job as shoes promoter at the Times Square which has been quite fun because there are so many customer. And i think it is very good for me because it s like im practicing some sort of presentation everyday. But quite tiring as i need to take trains to go there. But i knew time spent with my family is the best because i realised even when i went back home on late night, my mum n my aunt went to bed extra late just so that they can watch tv together with me. I just love them so much! and then Lan decided some stupid decision he always made. He didnt want to go back to his diploma. And starts saying things that he s sick and all and blaming everyone for his life and his state. Well i too blame whatever he s blaming and i too feel what he felt. Because i freaking live in the same house as him. But he didnt want to move on and wanted to deteriorate his life so i gave up on him. And then i got into new semester. I got kicked out from the hostel because of my merits. So i rented a house with friends near UMP. Still need to get there by riding friend's motorcycle which causes me weekly guilt and all because i hate being dependable to other people. But i really enjoy every ride and i thought renting a house will be bad but it turns out to be great. I love staying outside the campus. Got to taste real food. Got to see the locals here and all. And im really proud of myself because even when i stayed in the hostel, i am happy. I enjoyed the food even tho it tasted awful sometimes. I enjoyed tge scenery and lake. I appreciated the fact that i got to sleep in my bed n get ready 10 minutes before class. But then even when im staying outside, i still enjoy things a lot more. Which is great. The only things that makes me upset these days is because almost all of myfriend are so busy with their love life. Well it is obvious thag i have a very different perspective from them. They wanted to get married and all while i wanted that maybe 10 years from now after ive travelled the world and completed my assets. So the peer pressure is a bit hard because sometimes i also overthinks the fact that nobody thinks im cute hahahah. But then come to think of it, what for? I wanted to do so much things in this world but then im still so insecure. One thing that i should learn now is the fact that i dont need validation from other people about me. They doesnt matter. So soleha held ur head up high and move forward and dont overthink and please just smile okay? Okay.

[grumpylads]

Well

I guess life has been waiting for this moment. For the moment to wake me up, from a dreamy holiday, to the facts that everything when wrong at the end of the day. Erasing every sweet moments. N makes u wonder where did all the money go. N u starts to doubt ur choices n does it all worth it.

[grumpylads]

A pessoptomist

I think i am upset with everything. But then, i myself can't control that hopeful girl inside me. Who wish upon a star. Who pray in the rain. Who knows Allah is trying to comfort me. Trying to say that He is actually listening. Or maybe i can't help but to be optimistic. Or in the case of my identity confusion, a pessoptimist. A pessimist optimist. Oh Allah. I rely so much on u. To give me the answer. To make things better. To tell me that ure listening. I got crushed by all of this insecurities, all the damage i have to go through, all the pressures, the anxiety, and those late night tears of me while sleeping at home. I dont even know what i want ya Allah. Its just that sometimes i just wish things turns out well. And normal.

[anatomielehre]

“I feel like I’ve swallowed a cloudy sky.”

— Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart  (via yidan)

[amargedom]

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”

— Danielle LaPorte (via amortizing)

[grumpylads]

U can't get everything in this world. But u can still choose to get what u want. To choose means that to chase. Chase it all. But at the end of the day you can't get it all. So learn to chase hard, but also learn to let things go, rationally. Moderation, that's the key

I won't let people say that i can't. Or telling me that i should take the easy path and wait until God give me something. Because i was surrounded by people who took an easy path, and wait for god to give em something. Without them realising, they are affecting the people that hold onto them. Imma take the hard path, and leave the waits.

[grumpylads]

And all that a stranger would see is a little girl swaying alone

[eauudenil]

I try to stay low key and private. Not to be secretive. But to guard my energy. No one needs to know any and everything about what you got going on.