Ace Tumblr is part of the reason I struggled so much with my identity.
when I discovered the community I was at the ripe old age of 12 years old and I was terrified of sex at the time and (as I was too young to be feeling sexual attraction) I took on the ace identity. this caused a lot of problems down the road.
Ace Tumblr’s statement that “you’re never too young to know you’re ace” convinced me that I was asexual (when I’m actually a lesbian). I was too young to feel sexual attraction and the ace community convinced me that I never would feel it.
Ace Tumblr made me feel awkward and anxious about relationships (so much that the first time someone tried to kiss me I had an anxiety attack). they ‘othered’ me from lgbt people and straight people alike and I felt really alone. I wished so badly that I wasn’t so wierd, that I could just be ‘normal’.
as I got a little older and matured, I changed to the graysexual label. I was just starting to feel sexual attraction and things were very confusing so I only recognized it rarely.
then I changed to the demisexual label, bc I developed a horrible crush on my best friend (at the same time as a vital few months of puberty). I thought I only felt attraction for her bc we were such good friends, not be she was a girl. I literally started disregarding my feelings for any other girls bc “I can’t think she’s hot. I’m demisexual and I don’t know her.” I let my (wrong) identity cloud my judgement and I only ended up confusing myself.
multiple sexual identity crises later (from demi pan to pan ace to ace lesbian to pan lesbian (yikes) to demi pan lesbian (double yikes) to demi lesbian and finally to lesbian), I stopped letting Ace Tumblr’s definition of sexual attraction, “seeing someone and wanting to fuck them”, cloud my judgement. I didn’t wanna fuck anyone at the age of 13 so that means I must be ace right ?? and y'know, not just too fucking young to be thinking like that ??
Ace Tumblr’s definition of asexuality is so gross. it extremely sexualizes minors. I felt so othered bc I thought all the other 13 year olds walked around looking at people and wanting to fuck them and I felt so scared that someone could look at me like that. Ace Tumblr had me convinced that all ‘normal’ 13 year olds thought about fucking their friends and that terrified me of being affectionate with anyone. I wouldn’t let anyone touch me for 6 months straight bc I felt so scared and dirty every time someone did.
any thought I had about sex (even completely scientific questions) made me feel so gross. I almost threw up every day of sex ed. I was curious and looked up porn once and I sat on my bedroom floor and cried for an hour afterwards bc I was so disgusted with myself. Ace Tumblr has so traumatized me that I still get grossed out with myself for masturbating sometimes. and I hate it bc I know that masturbating and thinking about sex is normal, but Ace Tumblr had me convinced that I was gross and one of those “dirty allos”.
not to mention that the split attraction model actively contributed to my internalized lesbophobia. I thought I might be a lesbian but ace me didn’t want to be one of those “dirty allos” so I identified as homosexual ace for as long as I could. and then when I knew I couldn’t deny my attraction anymore, I switched to demisexual lesbian. but guess what ?? I’m a fucking lesbian. I think about having sex with girls !! and I like it !! I’m not some “dirty allo” I’m a normal lesbian teenager !!
Ace Tumblr is so fucking toxic and I’m so glad I’ve separated myself from it tbh
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