leave me alone

Vent. 25.

[liiyre]

edit: continued

[guiltsickness]

why do i bother with hobbies when i will never actually do what i dream of creating. it will only exist meaningfully in my head. why do i bother doing anything that might be fun.

[guiltsickness]

No no, we use this as a trust exercise, to assuage our anxiety, to ease into not being codependent

Be firm, be firm be firm have a tender but firm hand.

They won't leave us because we spent time with friends and maintained those friendships. They ask for space we give them space and we don't have a panic attack.

It is okay to spend time with friends and have fun, and it is okay to not call every night, we both will live. If this is a punishment we can take it with grace, poor thing thought we'd be done sooner, we got caught up talking to our friends, it's alright.

Let me handle it

[guiltsickness]

i cry too much, i'm small too often, i don't know how i'm the one you got so comfortable with like this, i'm just a lazy fucking idiot and i know you could do better

i wish he'd never reopened that part of me, i didn't used to be this much of a crybaby. I don't care that it's better for me overall i hate it. i hate that any future significant others now have to either be okay with that or tolerate how fucking annoying and broken i am. Idk maybe he would've preferred if i hadn't cried so much too

we're such a pathetic loser why would anyone actually try to love us.

maybe i'm just being dramatic. upsetting you like that is what got to me worse

[guiltsickness]

i'm still doing as much as i can for you

i am not fucking allowed in your bed and i still just want to be told what to do for you

i'm exhausted. i'm fatigued. i also want to crawl into a hole and rot.

[guiltsickness]

i still loved you when we slept in different beds and i still sought you out and i still wanted you desperately and i still work myself to exhaustion for you like i have the entire time i could work

i devoted years to you i worshipped you and my head was sick and twisted and i believed you were like god, i know it's not healthy but my brain has never been healthy and we both kept comparing you to jesus

i told you years ago i would only leave if you told me to, and then you did.

and i still don't plan on just leaving you with nothing, i want you to be stable before i leave, but i can't stay with people who don't want me near you and prevent me from taking care of you.

i used to share part of the load of your self care and now i'm quite literally not allowed to

My cluster b symptoms are loud. Watching you cling to another man so *immediately* hurt a lot. Less than a year. It took less than a year. I've been trying for so fucking long.

*Everyone* has told me I need to leave, and I *still fucking flounder about it* because you need me and i don't want to go until i know you'll be okay even if it fucking kills me inside

I am *constantly* reminded of my many fuck ups and failures and constantly made to feel like a despicable human being and i want to die! If i've failed you so thoroughly you who i've devoted my fucking life to then just let me die before i ruin more of your life.

broken ass tool and unwanted dog

[guiltsickness]

..some of us have felt like they were already replaced

i don't feel like a real person anymore. i feel like i'm flickering out.

[guiltsickness]

i'm crashing

[guiltsickness]

yeah!! give up on me!! i dunno what the fuck is my problem either! i'm fucking retarded i cant fucking think yeahh!! I want to bash my skull in so fucking baaaad yeahh!!!! Give up on me!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just a stepping stone! When I run out of usefulness someone else will come along! I'm not fucking special i'm just fucking stupid

[guiltsickness]

vomits all over the floor. cutely.

[guiltsickness]

i know i'm doing poorly when i wake up around noon and an hour later already want to go back to bed and be done with the day lol

[guiltsickness]

ohhh i hate who ive become and who i've been

[guiltsickness]

that hurt so much and dealt the killing blow ☺️ i'm too fucking stupid to do shit

[guiltsickness]

i hate myself for feeling inadequate so fast and easily. i stutter and fizzle out every time because i see you draw really awesomely while i'm struggling to not delete everything bc i hate every line

and i know you don't like your work either, i'm being ridiculous, it makes my body tense and then i start to dissociate from what i'm trying to do and it upsets me because i don't want to i just want to draw i had ideas in my head and then it just went limp

ughhhhh

[guiltsickness]

Just a Fucking Animal.

[guiltsickness]

THANK YOU FACEBOOK FOR FRIEND SUGGESTING ME ONE OF MY RAPISTS

I DO NOT WANT TO SPIRAL AND SMASH MY HEAD INTO A MEAT SLICER NO I DONT!!!

[guiltsickness]

*starts breaking glass in a fit of sudden rage*