The Ramblings of a Destroyer of Feels @guttersvillemayor - Tumblr Blog

A Way Less Sad Happy Ending

[Saying goodbye to Pedro left me feeling like I never wanted to get out of bed, but as usual, life had different plans for me and even if I wanted to do that, I couldn’t. Despite having just been for an ultrasound the day Pedro randomly showed up in Fairhope, the following Monday I got a call from my doctor that she wanted me to come back in. I tried not to worry and convinced myself that it was normal for her to want me to come back and talk about the ultrasound. She hadn’t been there when it happened due to another patient going into labor that day. However, I never could have expected the reason why she really wanted me to come in. Then again, considering the father, I shouldn't have been surprised. It seemed she noticed something off about my results and wanted to do it again herself to confirm as suspicious she had. And that suspicion was that I didn’t just have one bun in the oven but two. Twins! Another reason I shouldn’t have been surprised by this news is that twins slightly ran in my family with my elder brothers being twins, not to mention my father and my aunt being twins as well. Still I felt bowled over when she announced the discovery of my second Sweat Pea. It also meant that I couldn’t run from my family any more. Now more than ever I would need their help.

With the help of Dahlia and Reba, a family meeting was called back in New Orleans and with enough anxiety to make me feel like I was never going to keep anything down even if I wasn’t pregnant, I told my family that not only was I pregnant by a man who would no longer be in my life but that it was twins. It was clear that my amazing sisters softened the ground with some of my older brothers and thankfully Jude and Jesse weren’t likely to judge me as my younger brothers. However, the look on my parents’ faces made me feel like a disappointment and the hurt and shock on Jonah and Wendy’s face only made me feel even more shitty. The few weeks after that were definitely rough and I was very thankful to have Dahlia and Jasper offer me their spare bedroom while I tried to work things out with my parents at least. My friendship with Wendy had definitely been changed for good. The part of me that was so close to her as a child mourned that loss, but the adult in me realized that it was never going to be the same once she was with Jonah and it was only going to further cause problems when she became my sister-in-law if we didn’t acknowledge that the relationship between us had irrevocably shifted. Once I felt on a better footing with my family, I wanted to return to the beach house for some solitude and prepare for the huge change my life was taking.

However, my family rightly worried about me being so far away on my own while pregnant with twins. It wasn’t until Jesse came and told me that he had worked it out with his boss at the piano bar and landlord to take some time off and temporarily move with me to Point Clear, that I was able to go back to my haven on the water. Of course, different members of the family would pop in and out to visit me and spend time in the house that was meant for family vacations as the spring and summer months passed. There would be days that I would wake up marvelling in the two lives growing inside of me, at what our lives would be together, at the feeling of having something of peace and home that I’d been searching for all this time. And then there were other days when I felt like I couldn’t leave my bed, where I was drowning in my tears, when JD had to call Dahlia and/or Reba or even my mother to Alabama to help me. It was in these darkest moments when I missed Pedro and contemplated ruining everything that I had sacrificed and his own life by telling him about our children. Never more so than after ultrasounds when I would see them or hear their heartbeats or the first day I felt them flutter in my belly. The sobs overwhelming me and crushing me, not to mention probably scaring the shit out of poor JD. It was these low moments that made me realize I needed to agree with my parents’ request to move back to their home in New Orleans as it got closer to my due date. The fear that I would fail my children allowed me to get over the embarrassment and wounded pride of needing to ask my parents for help.

The decision definitely was the right one as we were able to figure out a situation that worked for all of us before I started nesting. It was decided that the bottom floor of their home would become my de facto home with my own privacy from the second floor which would be theirs. Yet, the closeness would allow them to help me take care of my precious twins when they came. Who knew how long this arrangement would work out for me, my parents and the twins… but for the moment, I had a plan and a path forward. Throughout the pregnancy, I spent my time working on a photography book covering my travels, although I wished I had been able to cover the eastern half of the country, I considered this book almost a love note to my little Sweet Peas and the journey I had gone through with their father to get to the point of having them in my life. So it made sense somehow that in the middle of the night after having sent my rough draft to a publisher, I awoke with some serious back pain and did my best to get out of bed before giving up and calling out to Jesse in the family room, hoping he’d spent the night on the couch like he’d mentioned earlier. Used to needing my help at random times, my youngest brother walked in clearly still half-asleep and disheveled but more than willing to give me a hand even after having spent the day doing stuff around the house for me.

It’s not until he hears me give a slight cry out that he seems to truly wake up. His hand reach out for the walkie-talkie next to my bed that has been utilized for communication between me and my parents when I moved in. “Um, Mom, I think something is wrong with EJ. She’s clearly in pain.” My words frustrated and pained as I grumble.] When am I not in pain these days thanks to me being the size of a motherfucking hippo. [As if having heard the commotion in my room, Dahlia and Jasper appear in the doorway and it must be the confusion on my face that prompts my eldest brother to answer my unasked question. “We were here late talking with Mom and Dad and just decided to spend the night here with the kids.” Before I can think of anything to say, another horrible pain grips me and Dahlia reaches out for my hand to help me breathe through them. The look between her and Jasper has me fearing that this is more than just the Braxton-Hicks I’d experienced a few times. And I’m not the only one who picks up on the silent communication as my younger brother gives a slight laugh, which I’ll admit pissed me off more than it normally would. “Hey, what are the odds of you having your twins on Friday the 13th?” Realizing what Jesse meant, my eyes go wide and I turn to Dahlia almost in a panic.] You don’t think my bad luck is going to get passed to the twins, do you?

[Jasper is unable to stop himself from snort-laughing, despite the glare Dahlia sends his way before turning her gaze to me attempting to calm me down. “No, Ems. First off, I don’t think you have bad luck as you’ve been blessed with two little ones so if anything you have amazing luck. But the only thing you’ll be passing on to those twins are some beautiful genes and maybe some questionable Mosby habits.” This gets me to chuckle a little bit before I have to bite back a groan from another contraction. My parents now joining the party as I can feel my mother’s warm hand rubbing my aching back. “Hey baby, it sounds like you’re having an eventful night.”] Yeah, I thought why wait for the sun when it’s much more fun to have a late-night rave. What time is it anyway? [I’d been starting to fall asleep at random times and earlier than I’d ever imagined possible before getting pregnant. “You crashed some time around 9, I think. You did keep waking up throughout the night...” My younger brother starts to explain as my father politely escorts him out of my room to give me some space with Dahlia and my mom. “It’s just a little after 5 as Jasper and I fell asleep about 1 or so ourselves.” I groan this time not from a contraction but from guilt at keeping them from their rest. Dahlia’s lips quirk and I know she’s trying to keep from laughing at me.

“It’s okay, Ems. I wouldn’t be able to sleep through this nor would I want to. Jasper will no doubt go lay down with the kids if not Jesse. Now why don’t we change you into some different clothes before heading for the hospital.” Her gaze flickering between me and my mother as if not wanting to take control from either of us but knowing how much I’ve depended on her throughout this pregnancy. If we hadn’t been like sisters before this, we sure as hell were now.] That might be a good idea as I’m pretty sure I just peed myself. [The words are said with a mirthless chuckle which invites a chuckle from both my mother and Dahlia. “Oh sweetie, that’s probably just your water breaking.” I glance towards my mother hopeful because I didn’t like the idea that I couldn’t control my bladder no matter how much people wouldn’t hold it against me cause I was in labor. “We’ve got the car and go-bag on standby when you ladies are ready to go.” My father’s voice comes floating through the door and I hear my mother reply back to him that we’d be out soon while Dahlia helps me out of my pajamas. I won’t lie that I took the opportunity to wear a lot of sweats and baggy clothes when it came to my maternity wardrobe, but I’d never been more glad for that decision than while trying to dress while in the middle of contractions.

It takes a little bit, but eventually we join my dad and Jasper in the family room and we all seem to look around at one another before I release a bit of a mix between a sigh and a chuckle.] Alrighty folks, we better get this show on the road before I have these kids right here. [“Yeah, I’d rather not see that, EJ.” Jesse quips as he walks over to me from the second bedroom door. His arms attempt to come around me in a loose hug as he whispers. “I’ll see you and those kiddos in a few hours. Don’t do anything crazy until then, okay?” A few tears fall from my eyes and I give him a tired smile.] Will do, broham. Give our niece and nephew a good morning kiss from me and their soon-to-be-cousins, please. [He nods and walks off to the bedroom with Jasper, no doubt being given instructions about what to do if he or Dahlia are needed. Somehow we are both quick and yet slow to get out into the vehicles. My dad and Jasper in the front seats while Dahlia and my mom sit in the back with me. Thankfully the drive to the hospital isn’t that long or I’d have started to feel claustrophobic on top of being in pain from the sheer fact that a woman pregnant with twins shouldn’t be squeezed between two other women in a compact SUV.

I want to say that I remember a lot more from my labor, but honestly beyond the pain and sudden fear of being a horrible mother and once more feeling the overwhelming sadness and guilt over Pedro not being there for the birth of his children, I don’t remember much. Of course, Dahlia and my mom were there with me through it all until at last I heard the cries of my children entering this world. The emotion almost knocking the breath out of me more so than the continued contractions. In the end, I was present with my beloved Sweet Peas. A boy and a girl. The fraternal twins resting on my chest as my family was finally able to join me back in my hospital room. “Took you long enough, sis.” The smile on JD’s face belying his words. We'd last seen each other more than 24 hours ago. Visitation keeping everybody by my parents away through the night after I’d finished delivering the twins.] Good morning to you too, Uncle Jesse. [He reaches out for my son and brushes a soft finger over his cheek. “You did good, Emma.” Before he can say anything else, the rest of my brothers arrive trying not to be too loud and wake the sleeping babies.] Looks like the gang’s all here. [I chuckle softly and watch as Jasper and Dahlia help their children, Abigail and Arthur sit on their laps close enough to see the babies without disturbing them or me on the bed. Arthur making a comment about how small his cousins are which has his mother chuckling and explaining that he was that small once himself.] Would you like to meet them, Artie? [His head bobbing enthusiastically as I pull back the caps so he can better see the twins from his seat.]

This lovely lady here is Gemma Aster and she was born at 11:11pm, and this gorgeous guy is Solomon Pedro. He’s a little younger than his big sister coming out at 11:30 on the dot. [“Pedro?” Reba glances over to share a look with Dahlia, who clearly didn’t mean to ask that question out loud. All this time I hadn’t shared who the twin’s father was with my family out of respect for both his life choice and because the pain had always felt so fresh just under the surface. But I knew when I was thinking up baby names that I wanted my children to have something of their father. The question intrigues the rest of my family and I simply nod my head as I brush a soft finger over Sol’s baby hair. My eyes never leaving his angelic face.] Yes, Pedro for his father. [The adults in the room seem to take a moment to process this new piece of information while Abbie and Artie are more interested in seeing more of their cousins. “When will they be able to play, Aunt Emma?” “They are still babies, Artie!” Before this can delve into an argument between the two siblings, Dahlia quickly leads them both away from my bedside with a playful roll of her eyes my way, a smile, and a motion of her head towards my family.]

Would anyone like to hold them? [And just like that, my words seem to bring them back to the present and spur them into action as my brothers almost fight over one another about who gets to hold the twins first. The sight of my family, who I’d worried about accepting my pregnancy at the beginning of the year, falling over themselves to spoil my children with their love causes me to start crying and it takes both my parents hugging me from either side to help me calm down enough to enjoy watching my brothers get to know their new niece and nephew. I didn’t know what else the future had in store for us, but I knew as long as I had Gemma and Sol by my side along with my family, things would be okay because my children were my life, my heart and my home.]

#AWayLessSadHappyEnding #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Goodbye My Tragic Love Story

[I wasn’t sure when it happened but I knew I needed a change when the only time things seemed to make sense was when Pedro was around. When I found myself waiting for the next time he and I would cross paths. With Pedro, it was like I was a person and alive again. But the second he went back on the road, the numbness would return and I’d miss the life I knew back in New Orleans. I had the perfect excuse to go back and spend time with my family for a little bit with the holidays coming up. So as soon as I made up my mind, I started to pack up my stuff and set the wheels in motion to return to Louisiana. The few friends I’d made travelling seemed to understand my need to go home and recharge, but I wasn’t sure Pedro would understand. The second I told him of my plans he seemed to question little details I hadn’t wanted to think about yet like how long would I be gone and where would I be heading off next.

Doing my best to brush them off for the short period of time before I left, I focused more on finding presents for my family so I wouldn’t arrive home empty handed. When the time came for me to leave, I hadn’t realized how many people I’d come to know on the road until we all got together at a local hangout in Portland, Oregon where I’d last set up base camp. It was an interesting night which made me wonder how I could have gotten to know so many people and yet still feel the need to go back home. However, I couldn’t focus on those feelings as the puppet master behind the event stayed near me the entire night. A bright smile coming to my face as I turned towards Pedro as another person came to bid me farewell before they left for the night.

Once it got late enough, the last of our group of wanderers hugged goodbye and Pedro took me back to my place for the night. I would be heading out the next day and I wasn’t sure when I’d see him next. My place wasn’t much, just a little mother-in-law type apartment over some couple’s garage, but it had an amazing few and I didn’t need much space when by myself. Wanting to take one last gaze at the spectacular night sky from the balcony, I stepped outside while Pedro was in the bathroom. The haunting thoughts slowly finding their way from the background where I’d pushed them lately. Why did it seem that I could never find a sense of home or place no matter where I went. How could I be so unhappy in such beautiful places and with great people just like how I’d come to feel when I was back with my family in New Orleans. The fears that I was somehow broken coming to me unbidden and I release a heavy sigh into the night sky. My thoughts consuming me so much that I don’t notice Pedro has come out to join me until his arms wrap around my body.

“That was some serious sighing you did there, mi flor.” The warmth of his arms help me to relax a bit as I lean back into his body letting the growing tension in my body dissipate. “What’s wrong?” I shake my head and gaze off into the stars.] Nothing, just ready to be home and see my family. It was different when I lived in Baltimore, I had a job and life I’d built for myself there that kept me from being able to go home for holidays and such. But out on the road, not going back home is a choice that makes me feel guilty for missing this time with them… if that makes sense. [His lips press a soft kiss to the side of my neck as he hums his understanding causing goosebumps to bubble up. His voice soft whispering across my skin and sending shivers down my spine. “As much as you might enjoy going on adventures and travelling these days, you are more of a homebody than you realize, beautiful.” His words aren’t meant as an accusation or to point out a flaw, but yet I feel as if he’s called me out in some way. And I don’t like how it seems to resonate with my thoughts and fears. So I quickly turn around in his arms and do my best to redirect the conversation along with my thoughts.] Last I checked, you seemed to like this homebody, if I’m not mistaken. [

Not giving him a chance to respond beyond a nod of his head, my lips capture his and with a skill I didn’t possess before Pedro, I guide our slowly-entangling bodies towards my bed. It’s not until hours later when I’m laying away next to a sleeping Pedro that those same intrusive thoughts return. My gaze now focused on the sleeping man who seemed to be the only thing driving them back and yet causing them at the same time if I was being fully honest with myself in the dead of night. I was running away. Scared of who I was becoming with Pedro and what that would do to me when he wasn’t around in the long run. I needed space and council from one of the few people I trusted and that meant running back to Louisiana. Of their own accord, my fingers hover just over Pedro’s feature wanting to touch and catalogue everything about him but not wanting to wake him up as well. So instead I settle for my favorite way of documenting this gorgeous man who let me into his life and changed mine forever.

The soft clicking of my camera eventually waking him up in the dawning light of morning. His voice rough and husky from sleep as he gazes up at me from the bed. “What are you doing there, mi flor?” I chuckle and snap one more picture before setting down my camera and joining him again in bed.] Just adding another picture to my collection. [His eyebrow raising tiredly amused at my admission as I blush and bury my face into his neck. “And exactly how many of these pictures of me are in the nude?” The light caress of my hand down his exposed back stills for a moment until I pick up on the teasing tone of his voice and let it continue its journey down Pedro’s body.] More than enough to satisfy me on the lonely nights… but I’d never say no to adding some more, if you’re willing. [His low and sleepy laugh does things to me with my stomach flipping in anticipation of his answer which comes in the form of his lips kissing my own.

No more photos were taken with my camera, but I was left with more memories of my time with Pedro before I finally had to pull myself from my bed. How I made it through the rest of my time with him that morning without losing it, I didn’t know but as his arms wrapped around me as we stood by my car, there was such a sense of loss going through me that I seemed to hold on to him for dear life. “Be safe, querida. Text me when you get to Louisiana and when you’re back on the road, okay?” Not trusting my voice I simply nod my head and press a gentle kiss to Pedro’s lips.] Take care of yourself, Pedro. [A look of confusion passes over Pedro’s face and I know I need to get away before I say something else I shouldn’t. “I’ll see you soon, Emma Jean.” His words seeming to follow and haunt me as I head off on the road.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Those parting words did haunt me until the moment I saw Pedro on the streets of Fairhope, looking for me. It had been hard explaining the need for a recharge to Pedro without giving away just how much he’d become a part of my life on the road. But maybe something that last night together stayed with him until he felt he had to come here. I was still reeling from all the craziness of the pregnancy and Pedro showing up and hadn’t even noticed that it was Valentine’s Day weekend until I woke up the next morning to Pedro making breakfast in the kitchen. The noise of him trying to find certain kitchen items rousing me from my sleep and I noticed that at some point, Pedro had moved us from outside to the downstairs bedroom. As quietly as possible, I made my way to the kitchen, not stepping fully inside as I take in the picturesque setup Pedro has put together most likely to surprise me, including some flowers. Seeing the silly box of chocolates it hits me that the dreaded romantic holiday has come.

Most years I had avoided it as who would want to be reminded that they don’t have anyone special in their lives or feel ridiculous celebrating their lack of companionship. But it seemed Pedro for whatever reason was going to make things awkward this year when I’d rather just keep forgetting this weekend was even a thing. The soft sound of him cursing pulls my eyes from the tray and our gazes meet across the room. “I was trying to surprise you with breakfast in bed.” My left eyebrow raising up pretty high because while Pedro can be very romantic, this was definitely something that was more relationship-y than he normally did. Which was even more glaring after the conversation we had yesterday. He laughs at my reaction and pulls a pan off the heat on the stove which I’m guessing from the sizzling sound was bacon and I’m so very thankful for my lacking sense of smell that spared me from wanting to run for the bathroom and the porcelain throne to lose what little I had in my stomach.

I definitely had food aversions with my pregnancy but no sense of smell meant there was no heightened sense of horrible smells to cause really any morning sickness. I mean I still threw up from time to time as nausea remained a pregnancy issue but usually I didn’t realize some food was going to bother me until it hit my taste buds. So while I didn’t have to make Pedro get rid of the bacon like most pregnant women probably would, I definitely wouldn’t be eating it myself. In fact, it was only in the fridge because Dahlia and Reba hadn’t known of my pregnancy aversion to it when they bought it recently. Thankfully I had sausage patties that I could heat up instead as the craving for meat hits me. Finally stepping into the kitchen, I head towards the fridge to satisfy my current need for meat. Unfortunately the task doesn’t mean I can avoid the conversation that I know is about to happen.] As sweet as that is, you don’t have to do anything like that for me. Especially if you’re doing it for the sake a ridiculous holiday.

[My gaze leaving his so I don’t have to see whether or not that bothered him. I no longer felt on equal footing with Pedro, not that I really ever was. But now that I was acknowledging my feelings for him, I knew we had no future together and so I didn’t want to see if my words hurt him. There was already a serious chance we’d both be hurting by the end of the day with what I knew had to be said between us and I just wanted to at least enjoy my breakfast before reaching that point. “Well be that as it may, I thought you deserved to be spoiled a bit, mi flor. I’d found myself missing doing that the past few weeks.” His last words are spoken softly as if he hadn’t realized that fact himself until he uttered it out loud. My traitorous heart fluttering at the possible hope of what this could mean until the fluttering nausea in my stomach from our growing child drags me back to reality. With the sausage in hand, I press a soft kiss to Pedro’s cheek as I take over at the stove using a new pan to cook my sausage, worried that any leftover bacon grease might ruin the food for me.] Thank you for being so sweet, handsome.

[We work in tandem to finish the breakfast that Pedro had planned out at some point over the weekend and instead of using the tray he’d arranged, we took our plates outside to sit on the same piece of furniture we’d made love on last night. A heating blush creeping up my face when that thought comes unbidden and Pedro chuckles softly as if he can read my thoughts. But still we sit in silence as we eat our food and enjoy the beautiful morning and the waves of Mobile Bay. Almost as if it was the calm before the storm. Each moment making it very clear that while I could imagine a future here with Pedro and our child, he didn’t feel the same way. With each bite, I worked hard to build up the walls around my heart as well as the courage I needed to speak my piece to Pedro before things got any more complicated or drawn out. And when we both finished our food, I took the empty plates and set them aside not wanting to lose my nerve by putting it off any longer. “So what do you want to do today.”] Pedro, we need to talk. [We both speak at the same time while I turned my body to face him, and I can tell he’s confused by my words. “What’s wrong, querida.” His hands reaching out for mine but I keep them buried in my lap, clasped together. A deep breath coming through my nose before I open my mouth and for a moment nothing comes out. And it’s only my fear of what Pedro might say as I see his own mouth open that has my brain finally function properly.] I can’t do this.

[He quirks his head even more confused and I shake mine when he reaches out for me once more.] I’m sorry, I just can’t go back to how things were between us and pretend like that’s okay with me. [Tears welling in my eyes and as painful as it feels with my heart breaking to say the words, I don’t let my gaze pull from Pedro’s confused and hurt face.] You don’t want to settle down, and I respect that. Complete and total respect. But… [My voice breaking as I try to say the truth that I’d realized the night before.] I want that for myself. I might not be as religious as my parents, but marriage means something to me and I’m going to want to get married eventually. I don’t want to have some open-ended relationship, I want to be tied to someone in a more permanent sense. And I always knew deep down I’d be a mother someday. So I can’t deny that I do want marriage and kids in my future. Maybe not all of it at once and obviously not today or tomorrow or even in a year or two. But one day, and if there was a chance that one day you would have come to want those things too, the situation would be different. But you don’t and I don’t want you pretending that could change.

And, as much as I care about you, I also don’t want to continue this when I know it has an expiration date. I’d rather say goodbye now and part ways with only happy memories of each other. You have changed my life, Pedro, in ways I can’t even begin to explain, and you will always be a part of me. [My hands instinctively move to touch my stomach but at the last second I bring them up to place them above my heart instead. It’s as if the words are still hitting Pedro and I see him run a hand through his hair as he takes it all in. From his eyes, I can almost see the gears in his head moving trying to come up with some response but I know anything he might say could lead to me revealing more than I want.] You don’t have to say anything. I just care about you too much to not say something and let this continue on. [This time I’m unable to keep him from grasping my hands in his own as his words come out strong and adamant. “I care about you too, Emma Jean. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”]

No you don’t understand… [“Then make me understand cause I don’t get where this is coming from.” Our words seeming to overlap one another.] … I love you, Pedro. [This revelation seems to knock the wind out of Pedro’s sails. His gaze frozen on my face and it almost seems as a look of horror is etched on his face. “I…” he starts but doesn’t seem to know what to say next. A low, painful chuckle bubbling up at how this is all playing out and the picture of what we must look like right now.] You see now why I can’t go back because for as much as you might care about me now and hell, maybe one day you’ll love me back. Can you honestly sit there and tell me that you’ll return my feelings eventually? That we’ll be happy together? Because as much as I don’t want to admit it, I think a part of me has always known from the start that we were headed here. [Another bitter chuckle escaping me.] I always knew that you were too good for me, that I couldn’t be so lucky after all these years, but I wanted to believe it so badly that I lied to myself.

[Pedro tries to disagree but my fingers cover his lips to physically keep him from speaking words that will hurt me more in the long run.] I wish I could say that maybe someday things will be different, that we can find our way back to each other, but we both know that would be a lie. And I can’t wait here hoping for that day which might never come instead of moving on with my life. [As if taking the words literally, my body reacts as I stand up and try to put some physical distance between me and Pedro. “This isn’t fair, Emma Jean.” The gut punch of those words have me whipping around to say something and he holds his hand up to hold me off, clearly wanting to say his own piece now. “I don’t mean it like that. Of course, it’s fair for you to be honest about how you feel and what you want in life. I’d never deny you that, ever.” What space between us is gone as he closes the gap and brings a hand up to cup the left side of my face, and in my weakness, I lean into his touch. “What isn’t fair is that I do love you back but as much as I might want to, I also can’t change how I feel about marriage and kids. I desperately wish I could because I never imagined falling for someone like I’ve done for you, but I can’t deny you the chance at being a mother… because you would be an amazing one.”

If his admission of love wasn’t enough to rip my heart out, his words about what kind of mother I would make has me choking out a sob from deep inside me. How did this happened? How had it come to this? How could life be so cruel to have us fall in love and yet want such different things? This was sadly the end of my story with Pedro because I knew that if I ever saw him again, I would either have to come clean about our child which wasn’t something he wanted for his life even after falling in love with me or I would have to hide their existence which even just the thought of doing so felt like a betrayal to my unborn child who I already loved and felt protective of, even if that meant from its own father. Pedro’s lips capture mine cutting off my sobs and I can feel his own tears as we kissed one another with an urgency unlike before now. This was goodbye and we both knew it. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so blunt and given him hope, but I knew for myself and our child that it would only lead to more heartache in the future.

Our frantic energy propelled us back to the bedroom I’d woken up in and once more we’d made love. However, it was clear this would be our last time together and no matter how much we wanted it to never end, eventually it would. Just like on our last night together in Portland, I found myself laying next to Pedro, trying to memorize every little detail. Things I could tell his child in the future when they were curious about their father. I wouldn’t lie to them. They would know about the love we had for one other but how our story was meant to end this way. How thankful I was to have a piece of him with me forever, and how much I wished I could give him the same. So quietly I padded my way to the living room where my camera sat and brought it back seeing Pedro sitting up and looking around for me almost panicked. “I thought you were gone.” His voice breathless and worried and it hurt my heart because soon enough we would be gone from one another’s lives. But instead, I did my best to get out a chuckle and tease him.] This is my home, remember?

[And I can tell instantly my attempt at humor failed and he was reminded that I would always be here even after he left. My hand brings up the camera with a playful wiggle and I smile softly.] I was going to grab this. I figured we could… [I trail off, but it’s clear he knew where my mind was going and his arms reach out to pull me back into bed. We took several pictures together and I even let him take some of me by myself, which was rare as I liked to stay behind the camera not in front of it. But soon the sun starts to set and we know our time together has come to an end. So I let him pack his things up, while I quickly work on my laptop to gather anything and everything I can share with Pedro as a memento of our love story. I can feel his eyes on me from the office doorway once he was done collecting and putting all his stuff back on his camper. Tears again threatening to fall, but I do my best to hold all the emotions at bay. Which isn’t easy in my hormonal pregnant state.

Getting up from my desk, I hold out a thumb drive that he takes but not without letting his fingers caress my own.] It’s just something to remember me by and I also send you backups to your email. [A watery smile slowly forming as he clasps one of my hands in his own and leads me outside to his vehicle. Our bodies facing one another as we say goodbye for the last time. “I love you, Emma Jean, and hope you find the happiness that you’re looking for in life.” Unable to help myself, I press a wet kiss to Pedro’s one final time and then pull back as tears stream down my face while my gaze holds his.] I love you, Pedro. Please take care of yourself and be safe out there on the road. [He simply nods and steps back from me towards his vehicle, gesturing something that’s between a salute and a goodbye wave. I let my arms come and wrap around my middle, both to support myself and cradle my unborn child, knowing it was just me and them now going forward.]

#GoodbyeMyTragicLoveStory #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Hopeless Hearts Forever Scarred

[There was always something about sunrises and sunsets that got to me. Seemed to speak to me in a way that very few other things did. When I’d mentioned this to Pedro when we experienced one together near a waterfall in Arizona I didn’t think he’d go to the lengths that he did months later. We’d already been seeing each other on and off while he travelled around and I went exploring for amazing photography opportunities. When I’d mentioned that I thought it might be time to move on to a new location from the Southwest region of the US, he’d persuaded me to let him tag along to my next permanent destination so that I wouldn’t be on the road alone. The chivalry of it all was enough to make me both smile brightly and laugh deeply as it touched my heart in a way I hadn’t expected, a trait of Pedro’s I would never get used to I’m sure. But he went a step further by insisting we stop first in Los Angeles. I’d gone there at least once already and wasn’t too impressed with it as far as what I could photograph that hadn’t already been done by anyone with a cellphone camera these days.

However, when we got there he made us drop off our vehicles at the house of his friend Rex, who had gone on the Havasupai Indian Reservation trip with us though not that I remembered him at all and lived along the coast in San Pedro, only to find out that we’d be going out on Rex’s boat for a trip with his friend as sea captain. I’d giggled at the ridiculousness of it. I’d been on the water before back in the Gulf of Mexico and the family home off Mobile Bay, but I had never thought to do anything like that over here on the West Coast. With Pedro, I found myself on all these little adventures I’d never have dreamed up on my own. Which is how I found myself in a secluded camp area on Catalina Island watching the moon slowly set to the west of me while waiting for dawn to happen to the east. We’d set up camp early last night and Pedro had insisted we go straight to sleep even as the sun was still setting. It wasn’t until now that I realized why. He was giving me the perfect photo opportunity, and I wasn’t wasting it as I occasionally snapped shots here and there to pass the time.

Pedro had woken me up with soft kisses that had made me think there was something else on his mind, until he explained what he was hoping would happen and promptly went back to sleep. The thought of him sleeping in his tent bringing a soft smile to my face. I couldn’t count how many times I’d snapped quick images of him in repose as if it was a secret habit I’d picked up after meeting him. I really don’t know how I ever ended up crossing his path, but I would thank my lucky stars that I did as I’d felt more myself around him than ever before in my life. Slowly the moon disappeared from the sky as twilight started with the amazing colors lighting up the morning sky. The magic of the moment made even more special when I felt warm hands wrap around my body, startling me just a little before hearing his chuckle in my ear. “It’s just me, cariño. How are things going?”

I quickly take one more snap of the sunrise and then turn to take a few more snaps of Pedro bathed in the warm morning sunlight. His smile almost as bright as the sun.] Amazing. Thank you for this. I hadn’t even realized or thought about coming out here. [“You’re welcome, but this is just the beginning.” One of his arms comes to wrap around me again while the other points out towards the north. “There are more amazing vistas to explore with the Channel Islands National Park which Rex will be taking us to with his boat. He’ll have to stay with his boat on the water, but you and I can go hiking across the islands and find even more amazing views for you to photograph to your heart’s content and then sleep under the stars some more.” With each word, I felt lighter that this man had planned all of this for my sake. Sure he enjoyed adventure and travel, but this was a trip made specifically with my own ambitions in mind. Glancing up at Pedro for a brief moment, I press a soft kiss to his lip and then pull away to take a few more pictures of the sunrise without saying a word.

Sometimes with him, I didn’t need to because it was as if he understood that no words could be said. It was moments like that where I felt we were made for one another in some way. Once I took what felt like enough pictures, knowing that we’d be remaining in the area for a few days with more chances to capture the stunning images of sunrises and sunset, I gently set my camera down in its case and turned up the volume on my Bluetooth speaker that had been softly playing music since I woke up. Nothing too powerful but gentle music that I’d cultivated into a playlist for when I was out shooting peaceful landscapes like this. Turning back towards Pedro, I motion him over to me with just my index finger, getting him to laugh at my “come hither” move. He seems to pick up on my train of thought as a new song starts to play through the speakers and he takes one of my hands into his own while his other hand slips around my waist. My own free hand coming up to wrap around his neck as we begin to slowly sway and dance to the music. Again without words, we let the music and our bodies do the speaking for us. Lips occasionally pressing soft lingering kisses against the other’s skin.

A part of me wishing that I could capture this moment in photographic form but knowing that instead I’ll just have to hope that my memory does it justice whenever I think of it. Our kisses become more firm and heated with each moment until I feel Pedro’s hand slip under the material of my top and caress the curvature of my spine unimpeded by any bra. It’s almost as if the lazy morning swaying we were originally doing had turned into a more sensual dance as my own hand sought purchase in the hair at the nape of his neck. Our bodies not even swaying to the music any more, but still I’m conscious enough of where we are that I balk when Pedro starts to remove my clothes. A soft chuckle escaping his lips as I blush and try to pull away from his attempts to raise my top. He stops his movements and makes sure to catch my gaze before saying, “Don’t worry, Emma. I’ve been up here several times and never come across anyone else.” Though his words were meant to soothe my worries of exposure, in the back of my mind old fears and insecurities sprang up. How many times had he been up here and possibly said something exactly like that to another woman?

But for as quickly as that thought begins to creep into my mind, the touch of his rough hands over my soft skin seems to brush them aside and I lose myself in the moment with Pedro, letting him strip me of both my clothes and any inner thoughts that might have previously dissuaded me from doing anything remotely like this. Once bared to one another, Pedro lays us down on the blanket I’d placed on the ground to sit on earlier. His every touch and movement is as if to worship my body and I try my best to reciprocate and show him just how much this moment and trip means to me. It’s not until our bodies settle down afterwards that I start to marvel about the amazing man I am laying next to naked on the ground.] You know, I haven’t truly danced since my brother Jasper’s wedding years ago, and it definitely wasn’t like that. [We both laugh at the implication of what kind of dancing I mean. “And I’m guessing you don’t know when you’ll have the next wedding to dance at, cariño?” My head turns to look over at Pedro’s curious face, his curiosity seeming to match my own.] No, not really. I mean the twins are both with people who I’m sure they’ll eventually marry, but I don’t know when Jackson will get around to popping the question to Reba as they’ve been together for a few years now and Jonah and Wendy are an absolute mystery to me. Plus there are my younger brothers, Jude and Jesse, who seem so far from settling down with anyone.

[He hums in contemplation as our fingers seem to move over one another as if doing some weird dance of their own. At one point my fingers brush over his ring finger and I can’t help but wonder how someone of Pedro's looks and age is still a bachelor without anyone in their life, not including myself in that equation. Before I can help myself, my curiosity and big mouth get the best of me like usual.] How have you not found somebody yourself and settled down by now? You know, married some beautiful woman and had 2.5 children? [I laugh at my words to hide the insecurities that I’m feeling because this gorgeous hunk has somehow chosen me to spend time with when he could probably be with anyone he wanted. “That just isn’t in the cards for me. To my mother’s frustration, I don’t want to be married and settled down, as you put it. I like it out here on the road. Doing what I want and going where I please.” There’s something about the look that crosses his face when I asked about marriage and kids that almost makes me question his answer and its light tone. But my next words are said in a teasing manner belying my subconscious fears.] Well how can you be so sure there aren’t any little Pedros running around? And what would you do if there were some, ladies man?

[Without directly saying it, I can’t help but imply the question of how often does he find himself hooking up with random women if he had no plans to settle down with anyone. His hand coming up to cup my face, his calloused thumb caressing my cheek as if to coax me into meeting his gaze. “I know because this isn’t something I do on a regular basis.”] What, do you mean... deflowering innocent virgins? Or is it canoodling women in your camper? Or maybe it’s… [I’m cut off by his kiss which is broken up by both our laughter. “You are ridiculous, do you know that?”] I’ve been told that on occasion. Although, I’m curious if maybe the reason you don’t do this on a regular basis is because you haven’t realized that most women don’t appreciate being called ridiculous. [His other hand slowly trails up my bare chest until it traces over the peaks and valleys of my breasts as the sunrise causes an interesting glow on my tanning skin. “It’s a good thing that you aren’t anything like most women, mi flor.” I snort slightly because while I’m sure he means it in the best way possible, the diffident part of me focuses on the bad connotation of that phrase.] Yeah, cause most people aren’t still virgins in their 30s.

[This time Pedro’s face takes a more serious, hard edge that isn’t necessarily at me but the clear mindset I’m in. “You are more special than you realize, Emma Jean. And I only wish you could see yourself the way that I do.” I lick my lips as they quickly become dry from the intensity of his words, as if he read the doubts in my mind that had always plagued me. With a soft nod of my head, I lift up to kiss his lips and it doesn’t take long for him to reassure me in the most intimate way possible that being here with me in this way and in this place is as special as he says I am. That morning and the rest of that trip would forever stay with me. Not just the more intimate moments but also the amazing vistas and all the spectacular photos I took. Some of which would need to be hidden away for my eyes only. And before we knew it, we were back on the road headed towards the Pacific Northwest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things had felt different after that trip to Catalina Island and the other Channel Islands, and in a way it had been different. But I also realized that we’d never discussed again why Pedro didn’t think about marriage or kids and we’d never brought up whether there was any potential future for us together. At the time, it didn’t seem important because I was enjoying travelling the open road and our adventures together as much as he was. But now back in Alabama, standing in front of a big picture from that very sunrise on Catalina Island that my mother had come across on my blog and loved enough to print for display over the fireplace mantle in the beach house, I couldn’t help but wonder why I never pushed more to know why Pedro lived his life like he did.

And just like that morning, I feel Pedro’s warm arms wrap around my body, but this time the fear that he might notice the changes in my body have me stepping forward out of his embrace and turn to face him. He'd already been here for a couple days and we’d definitely done more than enough for him to see every inch of my body without noticing my pregnant condition yet. However, the current thoughts in my head made me even more fearful of detection, of what the future would bring, of what Pedro would say if he knew. And my actions seem to confuse him as his eyebrow raises slightly in question, making it clear that I have to have this discussion now before anything else happens between us.] I was just looking at this picture. [My hand motioning to the moonset in twilight and I can’t help but think how much it might be exactly what this moment is for me. My time with Pedro setting down on me like the moon while the glow from the sunrise reflects my growing pregnancy and future with our child. The question was whether or not he’d be a part of that future.]

I took it while we were on Catalina Island, remember? [His eyes light up clearly replaying those memories in his head. “Yes, of course I remember, mi flor.” I take a calming breath to give me the courage to continue on.] That morning, you said that marriage and kids weren’t in the cards for you, but what does that really mean? [His mouth begins to open and for a moment I’m afraid he’s going to change the subject so I push forward.] Like, is that something that will never change? Or have you just never met someone who made you feel different about that? I have shared so much of myself since I met you, Pedro. And I don’t regret that. But I feel there is a whole part of your past that I don’t know and this is something I need to know about you. Do you really not see marriage and kids in your future? [He doesn’t move for a bit before he simply shakes his head slowly in response as if he can’t even say the words. My own head nodding as I step back away from him and needing air, I head out into the backyard towards the beach and wharf so I can breathe, feeling Pedro follow me in the process.

“You have to understand, Emma. Things happened to me in the past that made me realize those weren’t things I necessarily wanted in my life.” I do my best to keep my emotions in check, but the pregnancy hormones are far from helping me in this situation and already I have tears in my eyes. So I stay facing the water and do my best not to let my words come out all choked up.] But why, Pedro? Please, I need to know more about you and your past like I shared mine with you. Not everything but hopefully you can understand why knowing this is important. [I clench my fists down at my sides to keep them from wrapping protectively around my middle where our baby is growing, but as usual, Pedro seems to sense exactly what I need and unbeknownst to him, he wraps his arms around my body over his child and I suck in a breath as my own hands rest on top of his. “This isn’t going to be easy to talk about so please just let me get it all out before you ask or say anything, okay?” To prove how serious I am about wanting to hear about his past, I do as he asks and simply nod my head in acknowledgment. I can feel his warm breath on my neck as he seems to collect his thoughts before starting.

“Long ago, in what feels like another lifetime, back when I was still growing up, there was this girl. Her name was Delilah.” I’m sure he can feel my body tense underneath his hold at the knowledge that he had a childhood sweetheart, but he keeps on with his explanation. “Our mothers were friends and were convinced we’d end up together. But while I did love and care about her in my own way, I never really felt what I thought I should when compared to her feelings for me or our mothers’ wishes for us. Still I was a kid at the time and I wanted to make my mother proud and happy so we dated throughout high school and into college when suddenly we found ourselves pregnant just before I graduated. She was ecstatic, our mothers less so with their more traditional views, but it was decided that we’d get married. It was more because of expectation than anything else. However, before we could even get married, things went wrong.

The reason she was so excited about being pregnant is that she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the beginning of college and had worked to get into remission without damaging her chances of being a mother. But after getting pregnant she had a check up with her oncologist and found out that some of her symptoms were not pregnancy related but rather because of her cancer coming back. It wasn’t as bad the first time around, but now she was at stage 3 and we tried to convince her to take a more aggressive approach, but that would mean putting our child at risk which she refused to do. By the time she gave birth to our little girl, she was at stage 4 and it was only going to get worse in so many ways.” His voice seems to lower so much that it’s like a whisper on the wind coming from the bay. “We don’t know what caused it to happen, but our daughter Sandra died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome when she was barely even two months old. We put her to bed one night and next thing we knew she was gone.”

The tragedy of it all overwhelms me as tears pour down my face and a soft, quiet sob shakes my chest despite Pedro’s hold. I have to push back horrible thoughts of our own child dying this way which try to pull me down into despair and distract me from the rest of his story. “There was nothing we could have done, SIDS is an unexplainable cause of death. All we knew was that our daughter was dead and it seemed like suddenly Delilah had nothing left to live for anymore. Maybe she had always known that my love for her wasn’t what it should have been which is why we never talked about marriage before she got pregnant with Sandra and with her newest cancer diagnosis she was unlikely to ever have children of her own again, so she refused treatment, moved back in with her mother and before I knew it she was gone too. Over time I finished my degree, started writing my books and my mother tried to push me back into dating again. But I felt like I’d already tried it her way before and look where that had gotten me. With a dead child and a fiancée who was so emotionally distraught she let herself die, and it had felt like it was all my fault. I couldn’t go through that again, couldn’t see myself having that quaint family life my mother wanted for me. So once I had enough money from working and my books I set out on the road and started living the way I was when we first met and I have never looked back.

That is why I don’t think marriage and children are in the cards for me, and I hope you can understand that.” I nod my head and rested it back against his chest as I try to calm myself down from the overwhelming emotions and hormones coursing through me. Who could blame Pedro for feeling the way he did after what he’d gone through, I sure as hell didn’t. But that didn’t change the fact that he had already gotten me pregnant and that whether he liked it or not, I was going to have his child. While I was glad to know his past and how it shaped him, it made things so much more complicated and I had to decide if he needed to know that I was pregnant. But it was even more than that. As I listened to Pedro speak, it was as if something in my chest had broken so much as to leave me feeling like I needed to gasp for air.

I had known before that I cared about him, that I loved him. You don't sleep with someone and spend as much time with them as I have with Pedro and not feel something for them. But it wasn't until this moment, when he made it so clear how lost to me he was, that I realized I was in fucking love with him. That I wanted with him all the things he'd sworn off for the rest of his life. But after hearing his tragic past, I knew the chances of that ever happening were infinitesimal. We would probably never end up together, at least not the way that I had subconsciously and secretly hoped all along. Since that morning on Catalina Island, I’d done my best to suppress my insecurities that I wasn’t enough for him, that he was so far out of my league, and that one day I would lose him to someone better than me. However, never in all of that time did I ever worry that we wouldn’t want the same things, and now that the knowledge was out in the open, I couldn’t ignore it.

Mistaking my continual tears for simply feeling sadness at hearing his tragic past, Pedro turns me in his arms and starts pressing soft kisses to my wet cheeks that are cupped in his hands. “It’s okay, mi cariño. That’s all in the past for me. And now that you know, which I’m actually glad you made me tell you, I hope we can put the past behind us where it belongs and focus on the future.” My heart swelling at the possible hope that maybe he has realized like I have that he’s in love with me and wants more for us. Yet I have to stop myself from letting that stupid hope take root and causing me even more heartache. I’d asked him all those months ago what he would do if he did have children running around, but he’d never answered that question. At the time, I’d been more focused on him reassuring me that he didn’t go sleeping around with other random women while on his travels. But now I wished I had made him answer the question about possible kids because as much as I love Pedro, I love our child more and they had to come first, to be protected even if that meant from their father.

“I can see why you wanted to come back here and recharge, like you said.” His words causing me to have emotional whiplash as my mind and heart have been so focused on other things while Pedro, unaware of my inner turmoil, has shifted his focus to the gorgeous sunset that is painting red, orange and purple hues across the bay. I turn and take in the sight for myself and like usual, it steals my breath away. There really was something about sunrises and sunsets. Some magic because even without knowing it at the time, that sunrise on Catalina Island was when I first really started to fall for Pedro, and now standing here in my backyard watching the sun set on Mobile Bay, I knew this could very well be the end for me and Pedro.

Feeling his hands caress the skin just under my t-shirt, something snaps inside of me and there’s a desperate need for him that I can’t describe. My lips seek out his in a hungry, passionate kiss that catches him off guard for a moment before he returns it right back with as much vigor. His hands gripping the bottom of my shirt to take it off and I pull back to shake my head, fearing that any of my neighbors might see us. However, this has Pedro chuckling just like back on Catalina Island. “Emma Jean we’ve made love in so many open spaces, are you really worried about someone seeing us right now?” I give him a playful push and nod my head.] Yes, because not in any of those situations was there a chance that my neighbors could see us. Neighbors who are very much friends with my parents and could tell them about what they might see. [With a raised eyebrow, I challenge him with my words which have him laughing even more and I take advantage of the moment to push him back towards the house.

However we only made it as far as the screened porch before Pedro finally got his way and we slightly stumbled onto the big cushioned patio sofa as clothes started to come off. Who knows what was going through his mind in those moments, but I knew for myself that I was really and truly making love to Pedro for possibly the last time. Pouring as much of myself into the act because if this was the end, I didn’t want him in any doubt of my feelings for him even if I couldn’t say them out loud. I wanted us to both look back on this memory and know there had been real love between us. Afterwards it took everything in me not to let the tears that want to well up escape from my eyes, especially when I feel Pedro’s hand lightly running over my belly. At first afraid that he has discovered some swell or baby bump, and then knowing that he’s just marveling in the feel of my skin as he has been known to do in the past when his hand continues its journey up my body to cup my face. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, Emma.”

And just like that, the tears fall from my eyes so I quickly pull him into a kiss to keep him from questioning or thinking too much about my reaction. My words whispered against his lips between kisses.] I could say the same about you, Pedro. [We continue to kiss for a few more minutes before I shift in Pedro’s embrace to face the water as if to focus on the last of the sunset and not just hide the tears that are still cascading down my face. My heart breaking as the sun slowly disappears and I know that when it rises again, I will have to face the harsh fact that no matter how much it felt like we were made for one another and as much as Pedro and I might mean to the other, we weren’t meant for each other… but for now I could simply hide in his arms and pretend that it didn’t feel like my world was ending.]

#HopelessHeartsForeverScarred #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Unexpected In So Many Ways

[It was unexpected, he was unexpected. He was invited on the trip by mutual friends who talked about how funny, smart and even sexy he was. Although that last one was mentioned in a wistful tone by the recently-singled gay man in the group who would have happily rebounded with the gorgeous man who now stood before me asking if I wanted to go see the Beaver Falls and Colorado River. The group we’d tagged along with were the one who had made the reservations well in advance but he was the only one interested in taking the full hike along Havasu Creek. I wouldn’t say I was a very outdoorsy person or a fan of hiking in general, but since I couldn’t imagine myself ever coming back here again, I easily agreed. The trip started off with the whole group together hanging out at the Navajo and Havasu Falls getting to know one another with those in the group they were less familiar with, and that’s how I became friends with Pedro Guerrero.

By the time we made camp between Havasu Falls and Mooney Falls, he and I had found that despite the age difference, we had a lot in common. Big families, although mine came from siblings and his was more from extended family. Religious upbringing, both Catholic although we didn’t practice like our parents did. Slightly similar taste in humor, books, entertainment and some music. But there were also the differences between us that let us learn more about the other person. However, we didn’t get too personal in backstories and such, like what brought us both to travel across the country. Yet still it felt like I had always known him and that he knew me in a way that no one else ever had. It was probably the main reason I found myself that next morning curled up in his arms after us staying up late talking. We ate breakfast with the group before setting off on our own towards the Beaver Falls. Along the way we kept talking about what would be considered little inconsequential things, but somehow they felt like a window into who each of us really was. It didn’t feel like small talk so that by the time we got to the falls, I had no doubt he and I would probably stay up late again and share a tent and sleeping bag.

I took several pictures of the beautiful landscape around us and sneaked a few of Pedro when he wasn’t looking. There was something about him that was so down to Earth and yet at the same time was just indescribable. At one point, he turned around and almost caught me snapping a photo of him. His smile wide and bright as if it was the most natural thing in the world for this person he just met to be taking his picture while he gazed up at the waterfall in front of him. “You better send me a copy of that one cause I’m sure it’s beautiful.” With a quick nod of my head, I turned my camera away to take other shots of the falls and the slowly descending sun. Pedro offered to set up our camping accommodations if I’d be willing to make our dinner. Something I was more than happy to agree to do. I wasn’t sure what real campers or hikers would eat on their trips, but I’d lucked out in that the more experienced members of the group offered to get the necessary food supplies for everyone if we chipped in to pay them back. It was a good thing they offered cause I’d never known before about freeze-dried meals at least not in the camping sense.

Of course, as someone from Louisiana and New Orleans, especially, I knew about MREs thanks to Hurricane Katrina. But these freeze-dried meals were different. I’d watched the night before as the others had put together the food so I had a pretty good idea of what to do, and besides I did have some idea of how to cook in general and follow instructions. So while Pedro set up the tent, I started to boil the water for the food before going through the meals he’d picked out for us this morning from the group’s supplies. With a raised eyebrow, I called out to him and held up the package I just came across.] Seriously? I can almost promise you that this is not at all authentic. [He had to step a little closer to get a better look at what I was holding up, but he ended up laughing as soon as he noticed I was holding a meal labeled ‘Louisiana Red Beans & Rice.’ “I was just trying to make you feel at home while out on the road. Thought you would enjoy it and even grabbed some dried sausage to add to it.” With another laugh, he walked back to finish setting things up while I shook my head in reply.] While I do miss some good food from home, I have rarely found any dish that has the name Louisiana in it to actually taste like something I’d find in New Orleans. [He laughed again and we returned to companionable silence while we finished our tasks.

Once he was done, Pedro sat down next to me and dug into the packet of red beans I’d cooked. Hearing his hum of happiness at a good meal, I shook my head once more.] I promise you, that doesn’t taste like real Louisiana red beans and rice. [Turning his head towards me, his rich chocolate brown eyes catching mine and pinning me in place as he spoke. “Well then I guess you’ll have to show me sometime what those taste like.” Mutely, I nod my head and take a quick bite of the food while I try to recover from my reaction to him. “But for now, these taste pretty good. Thanks for making them.”] This was nothing. Thanks for putting up that. [I motion back to the tent which probably would have taken me a lifetime to put together no matter how easy he said it would be if I did it. We continued to talk about what foods we enjoyed while finishing our dinner and once we were done, it didn’t take long to clean everything up.

By this point, the sun had fully set and the moon was bright enough for us to see around our camping area. I watched in fascination as Pedro pulled out his sleeping bag as mine was already set up in the tent. My eyebrow shooting up in confusion as to what he was planning. Seeing my facial expression, he just chuckled and continued on spreading it out on the ground and grabbing a pillow before holding out his hand. “Senorita.” My own chuckle bubbling up at his gallant ways as I place my hand in his.] Senor. [And with that he helped me lay down on the covered ground before joining next to me. “Now this is better than any book, TV show or movie I’ve ever seen, don’t you agree?” I simply hum in agreement because what could anyone say when staring up at a beautiful night’s sky with what looked like thousands of stars shining down on us.

This wasn’t the first time I’d seen a starry night out on the road away from the big cities, but I’d never really stopped and laid down to enjoy them. It felt like this was something Pedro did regularly. As if he went through life at his own pace. I definitely went through life at a pace of my own, but it still felt rushed and confused and like I had no idea where I was going or how I would get there. I was so absorbed in the stars and my introspection that I almost jumped at the feel of Pedro’s fingers interlacing with mine. His hands were rough and yet smooth at the same time. The contradiction of his touch feeling very much like a Pedro thing. And what started off as a few soft and slow trailing brushes of his free hand over my arm escalates as he shifts on the sleeping bag to face me instead of the stars. The intimate touch of the backs of his fingers against the length of my jaw is enough to steal my breath away, but it’s the look in his eyes that has me frozen in place almost as if I’m going through an outer body experience watching his lips descend to my own slowly and cautiously. But the moment our lips touch, it kickstarts me into reacting. My hand shoots up to grip the back of his neck and while I’ve experienced a few kisses in my lifetime, it’s as if my body has a mind of its own and knows exactly what to do in this situation.

Who knows how long we lay there making out, not pressing any further until at one point, I feel his free hand start to slide down towards my chest. And while my body is on fire wanting to feel more of his touch, those same flames seem to lick the more rational part of my brain that has me breaking apart our kiss and resting my hand on top of his. I’m thankful for the dim light of the campfire which hopefully isn’t making it obvious about my growing blush as I rush through what I feel compelled to say at this moment.] I don’t want you to think that I’m not enjoying this, that I don’t welcome all of this. But I think it is only fair that you know that this isn’t something I do… ever. [My gaze shifting away from his as the mortification of my admission slowly grows now that the adrenaline of our make-out session has begun to subside. “What do you mean ever? Like you never make out under the stars or with people you’ve just met?” His tone gives away his incredulous thoughts despite the humor he tries to tack on at the end. I shift my body so that I can sit up because as much as I really don’t want to talk about this, I can’t deny that this is something that has to be talked about.] I mean I’ve never made out with anybody… ever.

[The silence stretches out for long enough to have my anxiety spike and I pull my hands into my lap to nervously pick at nails. “You said you’re 30, right? Are you saying that not one guy in all those years has realized how amazing you are before now even enough to simply make out with you?” It was as if his words speared me right in the heart, putting words to the insecurity I’d felt for so very long at reaching adulthood with barely any form of intimacy that I’d seen others partake in, to feel like such an outcast and oddball. To feel as if I was never good enough for anyone. If his hands hadn’t gently grasped my face, I no doubt would have fled from the sleeping bag to put distance between us. From his piercing words and gaze. But seeming to notice how vulnerable he’d made me, he quickly pulled me in for another kiss. This one soft and gentle and lingering, as if he was trying to soothe whatever hurt he might have caused with the clear action and message that I wasn’t unkissable like I’d believed myself to be.

“I hope I made that well worth the wait, senorita.” HIs words are soft and whispered against my lips to where all I can do is nod my head and feel his grin at my eager response. He pulls me back in for another series of kisses that are sweet and yet somehow still imbued with a passion that strokes the flames inside of me and I have to pull away once again.] Not that I enjoy continually pointing out how inexperienced I am, but I bring it up because while I enjoy kissing you… a lot. I’m not ready to… I don’t want you to think… [I can’t seem to find the right words to let him know that while I’m attracted to him and feel things for him I’d never truly felt for anyone else, I wasn’t ready to push too far, too fast into uncharted territory with someone I’d just met. Thankfully he seemed to understand as he raised a finger to silence my rambles. “No worries, hermosa. We have time to go as fast or as slow as you want.” Unable to say anything back, I show my appreciation by initiating a kiss of my own.

And for the next few hours we made out and slowly explored each other’s comfort zones until the campfire died down enough that we knew it was time to climb into our tent and find some rest. His arms wrapping around my body and pressing me to him while we slept. It was all new and exhilarating and I didn’t know how to process it all before falling asleep comfortably in his arms. The next few days were much of the same, with hiking and conversation throughout the day, snapping photos and getting to know each other better as people. And then at night, we laid out under the stars talking about slightly more intimate topics and getting to know each other’s bodies.

There was something different about that last night as we were planning the next day to trek back to the helipad to return to our vehicle and civilization. I didn’t know when I’d see him again, if I’d ever see him again. But in those few days, I’d felt closer to Pedro than I’d felt to any other person in the world. It seemed so clear to me that I couldn’t go back without fully giving myself over to that connection. So when it came time to pick a spot in the main campground for him to set up our tent, I made sure it was far enough away from most people that there would be some privacy. He probably figured I’d thought of this for our make-out sessions that had gotten more hot and heavy with each night. However, after dinner when he went to go grab his sleeping bag to lay down under the stars, I made sure to douse the campfire we’d set.

The moon was more than full enough to illuminate the area in case we needed to see something. His gaze looking up at me questioningly as he finished laying out the bag and I walked over to him and interlaced our fingers.] I want to thank you for this trip. I didn’t expect to find someone like you on the road or ever, really. But the past few days have been beyond what I could have ever hoped for in my life and I hope that you won’t mind doing me a favor tonight. [His eyebrow lifting in the sexy way I’d noticed it did whenever he was curious about something but didn’t have the words to ask what I meant. Letting one hand slowly work its way to the hem of Pedro’s pants, I lightly tease the top of them and bite my lip to gain my courage to ask my favor. The intake of his breath at my actions gave me the small boost of courage that I needed.] If you’re willing, of course, I’d really like to see what I’ve been missing out on… all of it, I mean. [A nervous chuckle escaping me as I wasn’t sure how else to ask someone to sleep with me, to look past my inexperience and virgin status that had felt like an invisible scarlet letter for so long. But it seemed I’d found the right person and Pedro dipped his head to press a soft kiss to my lips and whisper. “I’d be honored.”

He insisted that we not jump right to the end and we started that night as we had every other night by slowly making out and slowly building up to other things. Giving myself to Pedro was not something I had expected by any means. I’d pretty much resigned myself to live a solitary life indulging any notions of motherly instincts on my nieces and nephews. But as Pedro slowly made love to me under the stars, I felt that maybe my life wouldn’t be what I had assumed, what lot I’d consigned my life to be. That maybe there was more yet for me beyond what I saw. That night would forever live in my memory as well as Pedro’s touch would be forever burned and branded on my skin. It seemed like it was never going to end until eventually we fell asleep and the sun slowly rose the next morning.

We stayed quiet most of that day as we packed our things and headed past the first falls to the village. Each of us reaching out for the other from time to time for little touches and kisses. It wasn’t until we were back on the hilltop and approaching our vehicles that either one of us said something. “I don’t know if you’d be interested or not, but I’d like to see you again.” I couldn’t help but chuckle softly at how unsure he sounded, as if somehow I would ever refuse Pedro.] I’d like that. Maybe we should exchange information? [My teasing words highlighting how we’d gone days and shared intimacies never before crossed and yet hadn’t exchanged phone numbers. As we swapped phones, I input all my information from my full name to phone number even down to the addresses for my parents’ house and the Alabama beach house, before handing his phone back to him with a gentle kiss saying goodbye for now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So it shouldn’t have surprised me when the same man who I unexpectedly gave my virginity to, the man who unexpectedly got me pregnant and who I’d given my heart to unexpectedly would follow along those same lines and show up unexpectedly in the same small town I was currently staying. Apparently while I was trying to subconsciously hide from my family and the pregnancy that was turning my life upside down, I had never considered that the man who had helped do the turning would ever find his way to Fairhope or Point Clear, Alabama. Yet there he stood with a huge smile on his face as if he was expected… didn’t he know he would always be unexpected to me. “Talk about crazy. I was just about to call you since I realized I didn’t know exactly where your place was here in Fairhope.” My reply comes out immediately, more from my unflattering habit of correcting or answering things I shouldn’t than anything else.] Point Clear… My family’s vacation house that I live at is actually in Point Clear, but they butt up right next to each other and overlap in some ways. This is, of course, Fairhope and not Point Clear…

[I would have kept going if not for his laugh at my rambling and more importantly for the soft, lingering kiss he presses to my lips. My body is frozen in place for a second before instinct kicks in and I kiss him back. He is chuckling softly when he finally breaks our kiss. “God, I never get tired of hearing you ramble on, woman.” I’m blinking as my brain catches up with everything that is going on. How does one process the father of their unborn showing up unexpectedly and just kissing them out of the blue. Thankfully, or not really when I think about it, I’m saved from talking as I hear Dahlia’s voice chime in. “And who might this be, Ems?” It’s then I remember I am not alone as I was out with Dahlia and Reba for some lunch after my doctor’s appointment. They were only in for the day, claiming to have brought me some much needed supplies from New Orleans. How they had pulled this excursion off without Wendy or complaint from my brothers was a mystery to me, but I appreciated having them earlier as the whooshing sound of my baby’s heartbeat reverberated through the ultrasound room. Now I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do as I introduced them to the baby daddy. No doubt a blush has creeped up my neck and I’m not sure if the nauseous feeling in my stomach is from morning sickness or simple anxiety.]

Guys, this is Pedro whom I met while out on the road. Pedro, this is my sister-in-law Dahlia and my brother Jackson’s hopefully soon-to-be fiancée Reba. I’m sure I’ve mentioned them a few times in my stories. [He chuckles softly and it only adds to the conflicting feelings in my stomach as I would usually melt at the sound. “Yes, she’s mentioned you a few times.” “All good I hope,” asks Dahlia with a teasing voice while they all shake each other’s hands. “Oh yeah, all the bad stuff was focused more on her brothers.” This causes both Reba and Dahlia to laugh. “Of that there can be no doubt,” Reba chuckled. “Were you all just going to lunch?” I don’t know what to make of the hopeful look on Pedro’s face, but I can tell the gears are turning in Dahlia’s head from her expression. “Sadly, we just finished eating an early lunch so that Reba and I could head back home before rush hour traffic.”

“Oh.” His short answer says so much and if I wasn’t afraid I’d lose my lunch before, I’m close to blowing chunks now from the flipping of my stomach. “But obviously, we’re just here visiting Emma Jean so you two can stay and catch up.” Reba pins me with a serious look while she starts to wrap her arms around my body and whispers into my ear. “Talk to him about things and give us a call after, okay?” With a quick nod, I hug Dahlia next as she places a soft kiss to my cheek and relays a whispered message of her own. “He is yummy, but don’t let this opportunity to talk to him go to waste.” I keep nodding my head as both of them bid farewell to me and Pedro. My eyes stay glued on them as they climb into Dahlia’s vehicle and start to drive off, waving goodbye. “So… that’s the infamous Dahlia?”

Taking in a deep calming breath, I nod and shift myself to once again take in all of Pedro.] Yep, the very one. Although Reba can have her moments too. [Trying not to catch his notice, my gaze runs over Pedro’s visage and taking note of any little changes since the last time I saw him before the new year. “It’s clear that they both love you very much just from those few moments.” A hum of agreement sounds forth as I fight with myself to not blurt out what I’m thinking.] What exactly are you doing here, Pedro? [Great job, Emma Jean. Smooth, real smooth. He chuckles showing how unoffended he is by my outburst. “I never tire of how refreshing you are. I’m here because I missed you, if I’m being honest. You said you didn’t know when you’d be back out on the road so I figured I was more than capable to come see you.” He glances around as his head bobs. “This isn’t a bad place even if it is in Alabama.”] I try not to hold that against them either, but I like the view from our beach house.

[As I’m speaking, he closed the distance between us, slipping his fingers between mine much like that first night alone together and presses a soft kiss to my lips the moment I’m done speaking. “If it’s not too presumptuous and you don’t mind showing me, I’d love to see this view.” From the twinkle in his eye and the intonation of his voice, I know what he’s trying to say without spelling it out for any person passing by us on a random sidewalk in Fairhope. I wasn’t sure what to do. There was so much to tell him and yet I still didn’t know if I should tell him. But there was no doubt that if I didn’t agree to him coming back with me to the house, he would know that something was up. In another world where I wasn’t pregnant with his child, I would have happily taken him off the second he randomly showed up. Dahlia and Reba here or not.

So as hard as it was to do, considering I’d just heard my child’s heartbeat and got a print-out picture of them, I did my best to act as if I wasn’t pregnant until I could figure out what I was going to say, if anything, to Pedro.] I think that can be arranged. [A teasing grin slowly spreads across my face as I motion towards his jeep, which he usually had hooked up to the back of his camper that was no doubt left at a park or somewhere similar. I make sure he takes us to that first so that at the very least he can park it at my place before leading Pedro towards what had been my sanctuary through all the upheaval in my life, including him and his child.]

#UnexpectedInSoManyWays #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Look At The Stars

[There was something about being able to look up into the night sky and see all the stars shining down on me that somehow brought me some semblance of peace… or at least it did until I felt two bodies lay down on the grass on either side of me. Dahlia and Reba. My saving graces lately. Even without touching me, I can feel their loving presence enclose me and it almost brings me to tears so much that I have to close my eyes for a moment to get a hold of the turbulent emotions swirling inside of me. When I had woken up the next morning in Dahlia’s house, Reba was already there, set to take me by my parents’ house and then drive me to Alabama. No questions asked… Although she did talk to me a little about things in the care. It was just part of her nature and she never pressured me to talk from the moment I first saw her sitting by the bed. Luckily Dahlia had been able to assure that my parents wouldn’t be home while I gathered my belongings by taking them out to brunch with Jasper and the kids. It was easy enough to explain that I had gone to the beach house earlier than planned now that the engagement party was over. No one needed to know Reba was there with me for the week or the reason for my hasty retreat to the sanctuary I’d made for myself. Dahlia was set to come for the weekend, pretending to bring Reba for a girls’ trip before bringing her back home, leaving me to figure out what the hell I would do moving forward. Thankfully it wasn’t hard to get an appointment with a local doctor that same week. While I didn’t doubt the test Dahlia got me was right, I still needed to hear it confirmed by a medical professional. It wouldn’t feel real otherwise and for most of the week I had felt like I was moving around in a fog waiting for that moment, for things to sink in. Without any sound but that of the nature around us, we laid there and looked up at the stars for who knows how long until finally Dahlia spoke up. “So… I honestly don’t even know where to begin.” That was saying a lot from the woman I’d come to see as a big sister who always knew how to help me through tough emotional stuff. I didn’t realize just how much I’d relied on her though, but now I couldn’t imagine myself going through all of this without her. Since the night of Wendy and Jonah’s engagement party, she’d given me equal parts space and guidance. Her and Reba, who as a counselor seemed to have a better idea of where to start. “Do you know who the father is?” A small fit of laughter bubbles up my chest and escapes as I process the question. It should be so simple to answer and I never imagined needing to be asked such a question. Yet here I was, under the stars on a breezy, yet still decent night with my de facto sisters talking about the father of my unborn, out-of-wedlock child. My hands, already resting on my stomach, press down slightly as my fingers splay open as if to somehow try and feel the child I just learned was growing inside of me. It was a logical question to ask. Who was the father of my child.] Well it could be the bartender I met in Arizona, or this mechanic who helped me fix my car on the way up the west coast, or there was a hiker in Oregon who I hung out with a few times… [My eyes stay glued on the stars above me, but out of the corner of them I can see Dahlia’s head turn to give me a bit of an incredulous look while Reba stays in place, unfazed. No doubt thanks to her professional training. I didn’t want to talk about the father of my child or even think about him. Not right now, not while I was still trying to process the simple fact that I was going to have a child. There was always no doubt in my mind that I would be a mother one day. Even for my more tomboy ways, I was still a mother hen with my friends and family as my brothers well knew. But this was so far from how things were supposed to go. Life was just starting to make sense and get on track for me. “I thought you hadn’t been with anyone before you left. Are you saying you’ve been with three guys in the last few months?” Dahlia’s tone is incredulous and, whether she meant it to be or not, a tad judgemental. This, more than my own words, gets Reba to react as her hand closest to me reaches out and lightly rests on top of my arm. The action seems to make Dahlia notice just how her words came out and she repeats the action on my other side, while I try not to let her words mess with my overwhelmed emotions. Guess it wasn’t a good idea to give them such a flippant answer. They weren’t my brothers, and this wasn’t any old conversation. “Want to tell us what happened while you were out on the road?” Reba asks trying to redirect us back on the right track. My eyes close tightly as I picture him and a few tears escape from beneath my eyelids, remembering our time together.] Obviously it wasn’t planned or anything. Not meeting him, not sleeping with him, and definitely not this. [I move my hands over my stomach to clearly indicate what I’m talking about. “So it was one guy?” Dahlia’s voice this time is softer, more the understanding sister I’ve come to know and love.] Yes, but he was all of those things. We met while on a trip to the Havasupai Indian Reservation in the Grand Canyon. There was a group of travelling bloggers and such who had put it together and that’s how we were introduced. We all flew into the village via helicopter to save us a long trek in and out of the area, and once we arrived everybody seemed to split up into little groups. At first it was me, him and the people who invited both of us to join the trip. But after a few hours, he and I had set off on our own to the first waterfall and for the next few days we trekked up and down Havasu Creek stopping at each of the waterfalls along the way and setting up camp when night fell. [“What’s his name?” Reba interrupts me and while it would have sounded more inquisitive from Dahlia, coming from Reba I know she asked it more to confront the truth of my situation.] Pedro. [My voice so soft and low when I force myself to say his name, but only his first name. Last thing we needed was my brothers to get wind of who he was and go searching him out. Behind my eyes that remained shut, it’s easy to envision his smiling, laughing face. His scraggly beard never filling in fully no matter how many days he might go without shaving. His broad shoulders and tall, muscular physique that somehow hardened and softened depending on the situation. Or how he’d speak like any other American until he was either drunk, excited or simply talking about home and let his Hispanic accent slip through. More tears fall and I wonder if he’d want to know and I have to shake my head when I remember why he was on the road himself. Clearing my throat, I go back to telling Dahlia and Reba about my time with him.] He was also a blogger, well he’s technically an author who wrote a couple of great books that sold well and now allow him to basically travel around anywhere doing whatever he wants. He even has an RV camper that he lives out of when he’s not driving around. After that first trip, we kept running into each other. Some times planned, some times not. He was the one who suggested that I’d like to see the Pacific Northwest and drove up with me when my car broke down after San Francisco. [Both Reba and Dahlia’s hands tighten on my own as my voice hitches slightly. However, I have to laugh to release the tension that is building up in my chest. My eyes opening back up as I turn my head towards Dahlia.] You know how all my brothers were worried that it would happen to me when I was in the middle of nowhere with no one to help me and them all so far away. But he was there, and because he has to deal with his RV so much, he knew what was wrong and how to fix it. I didn’t even have to worry about telling anybody about it afterwards. Then I got that place outside of Portland and I’d occasionally go on trips with him when he was in the area, but I knew that it would never be anything serious. [I tilt my head back towards the twinkling stars and take a calming breath, willing myself not to get emotional as I tell the next part.] Before we ever… did anything, he and I talked about a lot of things. He’s older than me… or either of you. [Dahlia tries hard to keep from gasping while Reba calming asks, “Is he a lot older than us?” Her diplomatic way of asking me Pedro’s age has me laughing as I can only imagine what they are picturing in their heads.] He’s not old enough to be my father, that’s for damn sure. He’ll be 45 on his next birthday, so not much older than y’all and my older brothers. But that meant that he knew what he wanted out of his life and was interested in me just starting to really find what I wanted out of mine. However, if the RV and travelling lifestyle hasn’t given it away yet, settling down and having a family wasn’t really on his to-do list. He was very upfront about it and I understood. While I connected with him like I had never done with anyone else before, I never imagined that this would happen. Honestly, I’m still not sure how this happened as I was pretty damn careful. But none of that matters, because I know this isn’t something he wants. So why bring this into his life and complicate things… [My voice trails off and I wonder yet again if he’d really want to know despite his saying he wasn’t looking to be tied to anyone other than the family he already had. “What about you?” Dahlia follows up Reba’s question with her own words. “Is this something that you want, Emma Jean? Because while I know your parents and brothers might not agree if you decide otherwise, this is your life, not theirs and you are free to do whatever you want moving forward.” The fierce protectiveness in her voice means more to me and was something I needed to hear more than I realized. Coming from a very religious family, more so with my parents than my brothers, the idea alone of telling them that I was pregnant was bad enough that I didn’t even want to think about any of my options or any discussion about them I might have with my family. Especially my mother and father. Picking up on the rising tension, Reba’s calming voice once again draws me back to the present. “There are different ways you can proceed from here, but what you need to remember is that we will always be here for you and will help you out any way that we can. I know a few different programs and such if you might want to go the adoption route.” “And you don’t have to talk about this with anyone you don’t want to until you are ready.” That alone assured me that neither Reba or Dahlia would tell my brothers what was going on with me. I didn’t have that assurance with Wendy. A part of me feeling horrible for not feeling like I could trust my childhood best friend with this, but she hadn’t felt like my best friend in so long that she had instead become Jonah’s future wife in my mind. And while Dahlia was Jasper’s wife and Reba would one day soon be Jackson’s, I didn’t have a complicated history with either of them. Another bubble of laughter bursts forth as I admit to myself that it didn’t matter who I had a complicated history with at this point, but rather I should be focusing on what I was going to do. With a nod, I let my body settle and look at both Dahlia and Reba. My hands turn over to grip theirs in an affectionate squeeze.] Thank you for both being here with me, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to just lay here under the stars for a little while longer. [“Of course.” Reba says without hesitation as she slowly sits up, pulling her hand back. Dahlia nods in agreement and sits up as well but not before pressing a soft kiss at my temple like I’ve seen her do with her own children. And then they’re gone back into the beach house as my gaze takes in all the stars above me, reminding me of my time under them with Pedro. How that first time with him had been so unexpected and amazing and precious to me. A part of me had doubted I would ever find someone interested enough in me to have that happen even once, let alone repeatedly with someone who clearly knew what they were doing. My heart rate picking up slightly at the memories of and with him, especially when we were out on one of our journeys under the stars. Was one of those times when we created the little one who had thrown everything in my life off course? Was he under the stars right now, camping out somewhere, writing for his travel blog or his next novel? For a brief moment, I questioned whether or not he was missing me before shaking my head and closing my eyes. When we parted ways, it was with the idea that we’d most likely see each other again once I was back out on the road so I knew he was more focused on his own journey until our paths crossed once more. That was all in the air now as who knew when, if ever, I’d travel again like I had with him. Under the stars without any cares beyond our current adventure. Quickly, I shut my eyes, unable to look at the stars anymore and what they symbolized to me now. Would I ever be able to see them without thinking of him again or what had come from our time together? Instead, I focus on the image I saw earlier in the day on the sonogram and the heartbeat that froze me and seemed to roar into my ears until I heard the doctor point out just how small my baby was. ‘No bigger than a sweet pea.’ Making this more real than when it’d been joked about it with Reba on the car ride from New Orleans.] I really don’t know what I’m doing here, Sweet Pea. [With a shaky breath, my body rolled over onto my knees to turn my back on the sky as my hands came up to rub my eyes and wipe away the remnants of any tears I shed. Then once I felt as composed as I was likely to get, I stood up and headed inside to try and figure out what my next step forward was going to be.]

#LookAtTheStars #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Piecing Together The Puzzle

[It had been a bit of a shock to my family when I showed up that first night I got back for Sunday dinner. I hadn’t told anyone my plans beyond that I was giving up my place in Portland and would be on the road again. A part of me didn’t want to worry them in case I found myself re-energized while on the road and decided not to finish the journey back to New Orleans. However, while the stops in Colorado had been good, it wasn’t enough for me to shake off the feeling deep inside of me that wanted to be back home. My parents had quickly pulled me into a hug, followed by each of my brothers and their significant others with Wendy at the end. Her face was more telling than anything else that something was up and that’s when I got my own shock in return. Seemed Jonah had proposed to her on Christmas morning and the family dinner was being spent to celebrate and plan an engagement party. Neither Jonah or Wendy wanted a long, drawn out engagement so it seemed before the summer was out, she would officially become my sister-in-law. My mother and Dahlia had taken up the reins in planning the engagement party with Dahlia having me join along to both keep me occupied while also helping with the children. However, she could be just as bad as my mom with her mother hen ways. It felt like her eyes were on me almost as much as they were on her children. Sometimes it rankled more than I cared to admit, but I knew it came from a place of love. I just wasn’t used to having a sibling who cared for me and showed it in this way. My brothers would keep their eyes on me when I was growing up, but it wasn’t necessarily to watch me but those around me and make sure they weren’t bothering me. Dahlia’s gaze was penetrating as if I was some puzzle she was trying to figure out and every day we got closer to the engagement party it seemed like she was slowly working things out. It had me worried what she’d find when she was done piecing whatever she had together. There were things about my time away from my family that I would happily keep to myself and never share with another living soul. No one could doubt the amazing party planning skills that Dahlia and my mother had when they put together a full scale party together in two weeks. It was basically their jobs even though most would just say they were housewives. The work they did for different charities and groups more than gave them the experience that most professional event planners didn’t have. It’s how two weeks after I arrived back in Louisiana I found myself hiding in a corner of the Audubon Tea Room’s private garden on a cold Saturday night. I’d always loved the Audubon Zoo growing up, same as the aquarium. I’d spent birthdays, summers and everything in between traipsing the paths with my brothers and friends, and lately I was able to do that with my niece and nephew. But tonight Abigail and Arthur were either with their parents, someone else from my family or Trinity, their regular babysitter who Dahlia had paid to come tonight with the expressed purpose of watching them when nobody in the Mosby clan could. For which I was thankful because, as much as I loved those little ones, spending all that time with Abby and Artie had seemed to run me down almost as much, if not more so than, some of the long days I had out on the road. A slight gust of wind whipped around the garden, sending a shiver down my back as I pulled my wrap closer around my body. Usually I enjoyed the cold, but even I wasn’t impervious to the chill that low temperatures brought. But I wasn’t quite ready to go back inside just yet. Inside I’d have to make nice, explain to people where I’d been lately, how I’d been on my travels and what stories I could tell. And while I knew my family and some of the people inside cared, most of them were people who didn’t really know me or care beyond the fact that my family was connected to the same group or whatever as them. With a heavy sigh, my eyes glance up at the moon and wonder if I’d be able to wander around the zoo without getting into trouble. “That was one hell of a sigh.” My head whips around to see Wendy bundled in her own wrap just a few feet from me. I hadn’t even heard her come up on me and now I felt caught in the awkwardness of our situation. She seemed to be feeling it as well as she clears her throat and continues to close the distance between us. At least physically. “So this is where you got off to. Your mother is looking for you but I told her I’d find you instead.” With her eyes flickering to the open spot on the bench next to me, she silently asks for permission to join me and I answer with a slight nod before moving over to make sure she has enough space.] Just needed to get out of there for a bit. I’m not used to feeling so cooped up and crowded after the last few months. [She hums softly in understanding and glances back at the bustling Tea Room where music and chattering are spilling out of even despite the glass doors being closed to keep the cold out. “I’m very thankful that your mom was able to get this place on such short notice. I’d always loved it here since I was a little girl as you well know.” Her gaze returns back towards me and we lock eyes. Yes, I did well. Growing up together, we’d discussed almost any and everything, including what we dreamed our weddings and future husbands would be like. Granted it was usually more her talking than myself on that topic, but it was always a bone of contention between us that she wanted to have her wedding here at the zoo even though she knew how much I loved it. She’s the one to look away first and I turn my own gaze back out into the dark night of the zoo.] You really should be thanking Dahlia as she was the one who knew the couple who had broken up creating the vacancy for tonight and in the summer. [Somehow it felt so wrong that Wendy and Jonah would be married on a day that had first been meant for someone else, but I was assured that this happened more than people knew. It wasn’t Wendy’s fault that some couple’s relationship had failed while her own with my brother was going strong. And Dahlia had given me very strict instructions not to cause trouble tonight no matter how much the random urge might come up on me out of nowhere. I wasn’t sure how the hell she was able to predict that I’d feel that way as I thought I had been slowly coming to terms with the shift in my relationship with Wendy while travelling, but something about tonight had me on edge. I blamed the fatigue and bloated feeling. Seemed my PMS was being extra special this month including the cramping I’d felt off and on since leaving Colorado. I quickly regretted saying all of that, or at least how I said it, when I noticed the look on Wendy’s face. My voice softened as I looked down at my hands.] It’s a really beautiful night and you look lovely. If you want I can go get my camera from my car and take a couple pictures of you and Jonah. [Knowing me pretty well, Wendy understood the olive branch that I was offering but shook her head gently with a slight smile. “As lovely as that would be, Ems, I want you to enjoy yourself and we have someone to take pictures tonight. I appreciate the offer though.”] Maybe another time when it’s just you, me and Jonah. [And as if I seemed to call him to us by saying his name, Jonah steps into our view and gives us a smile that seems to mirror Wendy’s. My heart seems to both flutter and tighten in my chest at the sight. No matter what I felt about all of this, there was no denying that my brother and childhood friend loved one another. The only person who couldn’t seem to make peace with their relationship was me. “There y’all are, I was told that you had come in search of my wayward sister before getting lost yourself?” His eyebrow raised in what seemed to be the signature playful look we inherited from our mother, although Dad did a pretty good version of it as well. Wendy laughed first before I slowly joined in and she held her hand out to beckon him to her. Their fingers easily slipping between each other’s, another sign of their undeniable bond.] Sorry, we were just talking about coming back here one day to take some pictures for you and her. Anyway, I’ll go see what Mom wants. [Without another word, I get up from where I’d been hiding and leave them behind to no doubt share a moment before they returned back to the party themselves. It was not hard to find my mother standing next to my father and some of their friends. Once she spots me in return, she leaves them to intercept me.] You were looking for me? [“Yes, Emma Jean. Things are starting to wind down here and Dahlia is going to take the kids back home and drop Trinity off on the way. She was asking if you wouldn’t mind going with her to help.” This request didn’t sound too unusual, but remembering all the looks Dahlia had given me lately, I wasn’t sure what the hell was going on. Still I couldn’t refuse or give anything away to my mother or she would be right along side Dahlia like a bloodhound trying to solve whatever fucking puzzle Dahlia was seeing in me. They both could act like a dog with a bone if given the chance. Better to just deal with one of them if they already had my scent, then have both sticking their nose in every corner of my life. My head dips in a quick nod before glancing around the room to spot Dahlia or Trinity.] I can do that, do you know where she is? [“She already headed out to the car when I sent Jonah out to find you and Wendy. Otherwise, Lord knows what you two girls would have gotten up to.” Her words harken back to a time when Wendy and I were thick as thieves and so I do my best not to look back at my mother until I’m sure that nothing that I’m thinking or feeling is showing in my facial expression.] We were never as bad as the twins, Momma. But I’m gonna go ahead and grab my stuff so I don’t keep Dahlia and the kids waiting any longer. Tell Daddy and the guys goodbye for me. [My lips press a soft kiss to my mom’s cheek as I wrap my arms around her in a brief hug. Behind her I can see Jonah and Wendy finally coming back into the room, so I give them a wave goodbye and then head off to grab my purse and scarf. Dahlia had the car waiting by the curb as if knowing that I would be out any moment. She doesn’t say anything to me when I slide into the passenger’s seat, or as we drive to Trinity’s house and drop her off, or even as we head to her own home. The car is almost eerily silent as both Artie and Abby had fallen asleep in their car seats from the long day and busy night. It’s not until she parks that she asks me to grab Arthur, but that’s it. So I nod my head and easily extract her son from his car seat, cradling him to my body as best I can while following her inside. We work together in silence to get the kids dressed in their pajamas and into bed. Once that’s finished, she motions back to her bedroom and I slowly trudge behind her. Finally to the point of frustration, I am just barely able to moderate my tone and volume, very aware of her sleeping children down the hall.] Okay, what the hell is going on, Dahlia? You’ve been acting weird with me all week and I’m getting really sick of it. And why didn’t you just have Jasper help you? [Instead of answering any of my questions, she keeps padding across her bedroom floor to the bathroom and just crooks her finger for me to keep following her. As I walk into the bathroom, my eyes easily lock onto the only thing out of place on the countertop. A white and blue box that Dahlia picks up and examines. My eyes wide as I realize exactly what that box contains.] Oh my god, are you pregnant again, Dahl? [Somehow this would make sense for her weird behavior all week, or at least I hope it would. But that’s quickly abandoned as she shakes her head and meets my confused gaze. “You’ve been really tired since you’ve come back home.”] So. [Immediately feeling defensive, I cross my arms over my chest, making sure not to do so too tightly. “And I’ve noticed that you are careful with your breasts whenever you pick up Abby or Arthur as if they hurt or ache.” My face heats at the intimate nature the conversation is taking, but I don’t say anything as my brain realizes what Dahlia is trying to say. “I wasn’t sure until last night when Reba and I saw you look like you were going to be sick after taking a bite of your favorite meat-stuffed bell peppers that your mom makes. You didn’t take another bite of it all night. Not sure how no one else noticed, but Emma is there any chance you could be pregnant?” As soon as the words leave her mouth, it’s as if my stomach dropped into a bottomless pit. My jaw also falling slack while I try to process the possibility. Slowly, I become aware that my breaths are starting to come in short and shallow and Dahlia’s hand reaches out for mine to ground me. My panicked eyes meeting her warm, comforting ones. So this is what she was seeing every time her watchful gaze fell on me. Somehow my astute sister-in-law had perceived some difference in me when no one else had and I had been completely oblivious. She slowly places the box into my free hand and gently gives my other one a squeeze. “I think you should take this just to be safe.” Even though I know it’s actually pretty light, the box feels like an enormous weight in my hand. Swallowing harshly, I look back to her bedroom and feel a panic rise in my chest.] What happens if Jasper comes home? [“Reba is having Jackson keep Jasper occupied.” This does nothing to calm me and Dahlia quickly finishes explaining. “Jackson doesn’t know either, he simply thinks I’m setting up something special for when Jasper gets home. He won’t be back for at least another hour. So why don’t we get down to it and then I’ll take you wherever you want to go. Okay?” If I wasn’t in such shock, I would feel patronized by her treating me like a lost, scared kid. But that’s sort of how I felt as she helped me open the box and read the instructions. My mind was still not fully processing how I ended up in this situation or what it would mean for me if Dahlia and Reba were right about this. I would never understand how something that was so simple to do like peeing on a stick and only took a few minutes for the results to appear somehow seemed to make time slow and expand until it felt like hours instead of minutes had passed. All the while, Dahlia sat next to me holding one of my hands gently. Silence once more settling between us until she finally gives my hand a squeeze. “It’s time, Ems. Do you want to look or would you like me to do it?” My breath catches in my chest and I let out a shuddered breath before getting up to go to the counter where the test sat. Even in the mirror, I could see my whole body shaking and my unsteady hand came up to my chest to cover the area over my racing heart. Tears pooled in my eyes but I’d already seen what I needed to as Dahlia moved to my side to wrap her arms around me. “What can I do for you, sweetie?” My mind raced at her question but the only thing I knew was that I instinctively wanted to run from all of this.] Home. [“Okay, I’ll take you to your parents’ house.” But I vigorously shake my head, knowing she’d misunderstood me.] To Alabama. I can’t… [She simply nods at this understanding that I couldn’t go back to my parents’ house with the knowledge I now possessed. Instead, she led me down to the guest room that I have used in the past as quiet sobs started to rack my body. Without any words, Dahlia put me to bed like she would one of her children and sat with me a bit until my cries quieted down, although my tears didn’t stop. I could hear her talking to Jasper about me sleeping over for the night. And as I finally started to drift off, my last thoughts were on how soon I could leave New Orleans and how to do so without seeing any more of my family than necessary, especially my parents who I felt I had disappointed with this development. How was it that just a few hours ago my biggest issue was trying to make peace with the shifting relationship between me and Wendy and now I didn’t know which way was up. All I knew is that I wanted to be home in the beach house to try to make sense of what was happening to my life.]

#PiecingTogetherThePuzzle #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

All A Part Of Who I Am

[There is something about freedom that doesn't liberate you but constraints you, and I never knew it until I had some freedom myself. When the world of possibility becomes so vast that it feels like it's choking you instead of giving you room to breath. I didn't notice it at first. For the first few months, I relished my new-found freedom. Travelled along I-10, meeting new people and seeing new places and things I'd only ever dreamed of doing so. The west coast was so beautiful as the sun set each day and I probably had more than enough of those pictures to create a book of those alone. I also had photos of the people I'd met along the way and even some writings in my blog when a particular experience demanded it of me. But as the days rolled into weeks and then months, the vastness didn't feel as freeing. The endlessness seemed empty and I knew I would need to return home as Dahlia predicted. If only I could snap my fingers and make it so, but unfortunately my car didn't travel that way. And I'd found myself up in the Pacific Northwest for the last month or so. Not exactly a quick trip back to Louisiana. It was hard to imagine being in a place with such beautiful and feeling so numb to it. When I reached the state line between Oregon and Washington, it made sense to create a base camp there I could work out of when I wasn't on longer trips into the mountains, across the border into Canada, and even one interesting trip to Alaska. I'd done something similar when near the state lines of California, Arizona, Nevada and Utah. It also gave my family some relief that I wasn't always running around. Not to mention a place to send things to when they were feeling particularly smothering. Or generous in the case of shipping me food products I could only get from Louisiana. In each place, I was able to make some friendly acquaintances who I connected with and were sometimes included in my blog. But not always. I'd be lying to say that the chance to explore didn't help me have new experiences, expand my way of seeing the world. No one leaves home without being changed, especially when traveling on the road as I had been doing. But I'd never know just what I'd been through until I went home and compared who I was now to who I used to be. It never took me long to pack up what few belongings I had and load my car which was good as I hadn't really looked to make a long farewell from my place just outside Portland. Besides I knew I had at least a 3-day drive ahead of me that I would end up stretching out into a whole week with some pit stops in Colorado. The people I wanted or needed to say goodbye to had either come by my place or been there for my last night out. That included the lovely couple who had let me lodge in the detached apartment on their property. It was the same way when I left my place in Arizona. On the road again before the people who I'd temporarily come into their lives could really notice my absence or miss me. It was the same way with Oregon. There would always be my photographs to serve as reminders of my time in these places, but I needed to return back home. As I travelled the last leg of the journey across Louisiana, it was hard not to look back at the last time I came home after being away for a long time. My time in Baltimore felt almost like another lifetime now. The pain that I'd felt then on returning home was now a scar that had healed but would always be a part of me, even if it was just a fraction of what made me who I was. Back then I'd felt ashamed as if I'd failed and didn't have any hope moving forward. Now, while I was tired and drained and in need of a change, it didn't feel like I was hitting rock bottom. Just the end of a chapter. Another scar in a sense that had become part of me, but as much as traveling had been something I needed when I left home, I didn't feel that way now. Most likely that would change once again after I'd been home for a while, but I accepted that my life would probably have that ebb and flow for the foreseeable future. Nothing was written in stone and everything that did happen just helped to make me who I was in the long run. It wasn't easy, especially as I made my way back home to recharge myself mentally, physically and emotionally, but I was slowly finding out the different parts of me and how that made me the person I am.]

#AllAPartOfWhoIAm #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

We Are Cursed

[I'm cursed… no, seriously. I am literally cursed... by magic… my grandmother's to be specific… for my own good… to protect me from an ancient family blood curse. So that about sums up my life. Cursed in one way to keep me safe from being cursed in another, supposedly worse, way. Anytime I hear any phrase like 'it's for your own good' or 'I'm doing this to protect you,' I want Morgan to punch something. Cause good intentions are how I ended up cursed. It's why the road to hell is paved with them. Now I wouldn't necessarily say my life is hell, but it's not easy knowing you were meant to be something else and the reminder of that is seared into your brain. {First off, why do I have to punch things? And 'seared into your brain' is a bit much, don't you think?} No, I don't think it is. Are you or are you not a voice in my head? {Now you're just oversimplifying things, Molls. I'm not merely a voice in your head… well, really it should be our head.} Thank you for proving my point, Morgan. For as long as I can remember, Morgan has been a part of me. First as just another voice in my head, hence the seared comment. My parents thought he was just an imaginary friend, something I would grow out of with time. And then when I hit puberty, we learned just how cursed I was as I went to bed one night a slightly short 13-year-old girl and woke up a tall, gangly boy. I was still me in essence but my body had reverted to what it was supposed to be. That of a male, Morgan's body. And it was then I found out that my family had cursed me to be a female. It was something that had been done for generations to keep males out of the magical bloodline and they had never had this happen before. Maybe the children had voices that went away, but there was never any proof of that happening, just speculation. Morgan and I were a first and it freaked my family out. {Freaked us out pretty good too.} Well of course, how the hell were we to know what was going on. Ever since then, I've been living my life with this other side of me tagging along everywhere. {Riding shotgun when necessary.} And driving me crazy on a regular basis. {You know you love me.} I love you a lot less when I wake up to a raging boner. {Cause that time of the month is so much more pleasant.} My point is, we're cursed and we'll always be cursed, and while I'd never want to live my life without you, Morgan. I honestly don't know how if we can live this life with anyone else either. {You mean outside our family...} Exactly. {We are cursed.}]

#Mollie and Morgan #M&M SL #WeAreCursed

Opportunity To Breathe Again

[It took me a little while to get over myself and talk to Dahlia about everything that was bothering me. And not just how lost I felt career wise, but also the struggle I was having trying to figure out how my friendship worked with Wendy now that she’s with Jonah. It honestly was so helpful and therapeutic that I regretted not approaching her sooner, and she was sure to tell me to not hesitate to reach out to her again if I needed to talk, even after she headed back to New Orleans. That was something that had come from our talk. She had suggested, and I had agreed, that it was best to stay in Alabama and spend some more time away to try and figure out things.

Dahlia had also encouraged me to call my mother and tell her everything as well, and she’d even stayed by my side as I did so, refilling my drink when necessary and letting me just lay next to her on the couch, silently crying once I’d gotten off the phone. I’d never appreciated how much of a sister Dahlia had become to me until that night and I made sure to thank her for it the rest of her stay and even offered to watch the kids any time she needed me to once I was back home.

My parents reached out to me shortly before Dahlia left to tell me that they’d take care of my expenses for the next few months to help me really get my life straightened out. Not many people are lucky enough to have that happen and I would be forever grateful for the good fortune my family had. So I’d spent the last few weeks going around and just taking different pictures, talking to people from college and work over the phone about potential jobs moving forward and even submitted a few photos to a couple different places as freelance to see what the possibility was of getting some more work.

And that’s what I was doing, sorting through freelance submissions, when my family randomly showed up at the beach house. And it was pretty much the entire motley crew. My parents, all of my brothers, Dahlia and her kids as well as Reba. I’m not sure if Wendy actually had work or something that kept her in New Orleans, all I knew was that she hadn’t made the trip and a part of me was relieved as horrible as that was to admit at least to myself, and Dahlia at some point once she’d settled the kids in. Maybe my sister-in-law played some part in keeping Wendy from coming, knowing how I was struggling, either way it was one less stress I had to deal with after being ambushed by my family. Although my parents jokingly reminded me it was still their home until they died so they were free to come and go as they pleased.

The first day or so I was on high alert just waiting for anyone of them to bring up the mess that was my life, but it didn’t happen. If anything, it was just like any other regular family getaway and I was the only one worrying about the outside world problems we usually leave behind. And maybe that was their plan all along, lull me into a false sense of security before attacking, because by their third morning there I had started to relax some. Even had some fun with Jude playing a prank on Jesse and then the older brothers.

But that night after dinner when the family would normally split up into different activities, they all seemed to congregate in the big den. Reba and Dahlia giving me encouraging smiles while they took Abby and Artie up for their bedtime routine. I was just about to follow them and get the hell out of dodge then I heard her voice loud and clear. “Do you mind coming and sitting down with us, Emma Jean?”

Do I mind? Of course I mind. Would I tell that to my mother? Absolutely not, never in a million years. So taking a deep breath, I turned and headed into the lion’s literal den, taking a seat next to Jude which seemed the safest. The bond I felt with him also helped to calm my nerves just a bit, and the goofy look on JD’s face didn’t hurt to lighten my mood as well. My parents were sitting together on the raised hearth to the small fireplace my mother had wanted for rare cold winter days spent here. From that spot, they were able to see all of us, the six children that they raised and put up with as we turned into the adults we had become, or were still becoming in some cases.

My mother’s eyes were trained on me, but it was my father’s voice that now rang out in the room. “Emma Jean, your mother and brothers and I have been talking and we wanted to present you with an opportunity for your art and career.” My bottom lip instantly finds its way between my teeth, worrying the plump flesh. Clearly my family had been discussing me behind my back but I had to trust that it was for my benefit even if it frustrated me to have them all, once again, essentially gang up on me and my issues, more or less.

“It was obvious from the first year or so after you got your first camera that you had a talent, EJ. There’s a reason that we all have so many of your pictures displayed at home, here, in your brothers’ homes and even at the office. You are an amazing photographer and you shouldn’t be wasting that gift in journalism, not that you weren’t great at what you did, but it didn’t let you truly show what you’re capable of. So after you told your mom what was really going on, we all sat down and had a talk.”

I want to point out that it had been a discussion about my life without me being there to give any input, but a subtle nudge from Jude lets me know he could almost see what I was thinking and to keep my mouth shut. I loved my family and they loved me, if they’d done this, it was out of love. My mother’s hand clearly squeezes my father and it’s one of those small ways in which they communicate between themselves, and whenever I see it, I always hope to find someone that I can do something as simple as that with them. To know each other so fully on another level that we can speak without words.

“Your father and I talked it over and then brought in your brothers because what we want to propose is that you stay here until you’re able to find a place of your own. In the few weeks you’ve been here, it’s sounded like you were able to not feel as weighed down as you have since before you left Baltimore. You’re always welcome to come back home and stay with any of us, but this way you have that freedom to really figure things out. And during that time, we’re going to keep helping you out with any bills or expenses you have.”

I open my mouth to say that wasn’t necessary, that I’d find a job. However, my mom simply holds up her free hand to cut me off before I can even start. “We know, you’re our child, and we raised you to work and not expect a free ride. But we talked it over with your brothers and they agreed that this was the way to go. Besides, most of y’all went to college with scholarships so we have a lot still left in the college fund we started for you guys when Jasper was first born.”

“And we’ve been very lucky as a family that my business has grown over the years, even more so when the older boys started working there. We have more than enough money to help you do this and have already set up a joint account for you that we can easily put more money into on a regular basis. Consider it an allowance or a salary if you will because your mother has one stipulation to all of this.” My eyebrow arches high and I glance around the room at my brothers, all of them seeming to truly be on board with this until I return my gaze to my parents, my tone cautious.] Okay… What exactly is this stipulation.

[My mom’s lips pull back into a wide smile, that one she gets when she feels like she’s had a genius idea. And to be honest, her ideas are usually genius. “You have to take as many pictures as you can, from wherever you want, to make a book. Maybe even post some of them on a blog before then. I never told you this while you were working up north, but I had several people at different events over the years comment on how beautiful your photos were. And a few of them even suggested you putting together a photo book to get published. So I reached out to one of them and they said that if you could get something together, maybe even start building a presence online with social media or a blog, that he could help you sell your book. We told your brothers about this opportunity and they all agreed that it was perfect for you, and since the money to help you do all of this would come from the fund we created for all six of you, we figured it was only fair that they all had a say in the decision.”

“And of course, we were totally on board with it.” My eyes cut over to Jesse. His happy face showing just how excited he was at the prospect. While a lot of my siblings had creative aspects to their lives and jobs, JD was the one I felt understood the overwhelming passion of creativity like I did, that inability to sit still or think of anything else until the inner beast was appeased. So it makes sense that he’d probably understand more than the others just what this could mean for me, to me. A chance to immerse myself fully in my craft and create something from it. Not just doing a job, but making a name for myself with a book of my own.

The idea had come to me several times, but the issue of money and how I’d live always kept me from doing anything with that idea. Yet here was my family, easily fixing that problem with a solution that I never would have considered. My eyes start to well up with tears and Jude wraps his arm around me and gives me a comforting squeeze while my parents look on with wide grins. “So what do you say, Emma Jean? Gonna let your family help you out and see where this opportunity takes you?”

My mother’s questioning words have a hint of a challenge to them, and she knows better than anyone what her children will do when challenged. With a quick nod of my head, I rise up from my seat and walk over to them as they stand up. My arms go around them both in a big hug and it doesn’t take long for my five brothers to get in on the action and we’re having one of our ridiculously huge Mosby family group hugs.

And I know we look ridiculous because I can hear Reba and Dahlia laughing from the doorway. “I see we weren’t needed to talk some sense into her.” Before anyone can respond to her comment, I pull away from my family and dart over to Dahlia, pulling her into a firm huge. My tears finally falling from my eyes at just how overwhelmed I am. Speaking softly so that only she and maybe Reba can hear me.] Thank you so much, Dahl. I can never tell you how much you’ve helped me through all of this. [Her arms wrap around me in return and she holds tight. “I know you’ve been cursed with those silly boys, but that’s what sisters are for.”

Her funny retort has me laughing loudly and I don’t care what Jasper is saying to my brothers about what Dahlia could have been saying, because for the first time in a long time I feel like I can truly breathe and move forward with my life with this new direction and path.]

#OpportunityToBreatheAgain #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Dasie Who?

[It was just another Tuesday night. At least that’s what I told myself. It made it easier on nights when I could feel my father’s presence. Knew that he’d have something to say about how I spent my nights. But then again he really couldn’t say anything. He died when I was 11. A robbery gone wrong. Which is funny in some weird, twisted way seeing as he’d been in actual war zones and lived to tell the tale, but the moment he was stuck stateside he was killed.

We’d just moved to Seattle the year before. My father had been transferred to the Naval Station Bremerton and we lived at Fort Lawton with my mother. That was until he was killed. Then we moved from apartment to apartment with my then-baby brother Noah. And then my brother Jace. Plus twin sisters Sara and Anna. To say my mother went down a dark path is putting it lightly. I didn’t even realize until I was 14 that Noah wasn’t my father’s son like I thought. But apparently my father had known about my mother’s checkered past.

I came to learn of it the hard way. How she spent the little money we got from my father’s pension on drugs and god knows what instead of on her children. I had never known why my parents weren’t married until I’d seen my mother in action. He was waiting to make sure she wasn’t just trying to trap him. That might make my father seem like a bad man, but you’d have to know my mother and how horrible she could be. I’m sure in some messed up sense she loves us. At least I’d like to think that for my siblings sake. But considering we hadn’t seen in her in over a year it was highly unlikely.

When I turned 16, I petitioned for emancipation and begged to take care of my siblings. Thankfully an old military buddy of my father, Lieutenant Commander Austin McDaniels stepped in to help keep us together and became my siblings’ legal guardian until I could prove that I’d be responsible enough. It was a very rare case, but I was more than willing to play up the fact that my father was a vet and that my mother was clearly a trainwreck. My school records were decent and I had already gotten a job and had a car. By the time I was 18 I was the legal guardian, and McDaniels transferred to a new post when I turned 19.

It was challenging at times. And I gave up my own dreams to take care of my family. But I wouldn’t change a second of it. Even the bad parts. Like the jobs I had to take to make end meets. When I was old enough, the remainder of my father’s pension was put into a savings account. It’s not much, but it’s good to have in case of emergency and I try to leave it alone for only real emergencies. It would be too easy to take out money for anything from rent to food if I didn’t have that thought in mind. And for a while when rent was hard to keep up with, I really had to stop myself from doing that. Instead I found myself working for Pierre.

Pierre Scott was a friend of a friend and my boss. When I fell on hard times and needed money fast, an old friend from high school suggested I go work for him. The moment I walked into the Forbidden Desires Gentlemen’s Club I knew I was going down a path I most likely wouldn’t come back from. Any dreams that I had would have to be completely forsaken. Thankfully Pierre only needed escorts at the time. Arm candy to men with money who for whatever reasons needed to come across it this way. I learned really early it’s best not to ask questions. I cleaned up nice, was polite and well mannered. And that made me a very popular commodity.

When I first started, I was nervous about exactly what was required of an escort. My heart was racing so hard up until Pierre assured me that no one was allowed to touch me without my permission. He made it clear anything I wanted to do was my prerogative and that he’d have my back if someone got handsy. That seemed weird but he valued running a respectable business. He saw it as something that could benefit both the girls and the men as long as there were rules and boundaries which were respected. I’d worked for him ever since. Most days it didn’t bother me, dressing up fancy for some man who just needed me to look pretty. Some of my regulars had actually become weird defacto friends in a sense.

But like I said, on days when the memory of my father weighed on my mind it was a bit more of a challenge to get out of my head. I was currently in the back room of the club, the kids staying with our neighbors the Fredericks, getting ready for a night out. The gentleman was new and I hoped it’d be a simple evening with not much talking. Sometimes conversations, especially small talk, was hard for me. It was best to be seen and not heard.

The pearl earrings that we were allowed to borrow from Pierre’s collection easily slipped into place and I knew I still had a few minutes to kill. Looking in the mirror only made me dread this night. And I didn’t like dreading a job that I usually enjoyed. So I set out for a quiet place to wait. My fancy dress swooshing with every step up the backstairs. Escort services were just one part of the Forbidden Desire’s offering. The other was very in house. Soft, slinky music filling the room as my hand pushed open the velvet door to the balcony. Not many people were up in the back area unless they just came for the view. Instead there was a decent crowd downstairs enjoying the company of the ladies that worked the floor. Dancing and entertaining them.

Classy, not trashy as I once described it to a friend. I’d never worked it, but I would be lying if I said I’d never thought about it. There was a fascination more towards the dancing than anything else. When I was a little girl my father took me to the ballet. It was actually one of the few things we did on a regular basis that I remember and one of the last things we did together before he died. I remember being mesmerized by the dancers and wanted to be just like them. So I took ballet classes. Once he died it was harder to keep up with it, but I did as best I could. When I danced I felt connected to something I couldn’t describe. I felt connected to him and my childhood. My eyes were trained on the current dancer up on the stage. Regina. And she was good. Graceful and seductive and just mesmerizing like the ballerinas from my childhood.

I was so entranced that I didn’t even notice Pierre walk up next to me. “You know, I remember Jake telling me that you used to dance in high school. Ballet in fact. Said you were pretty damn good and could have become better had you gone to an academy or something. What kept you?” My eyes flicker from Regina to meet his. I was pretty closed lip about my past. People knew what they needed to know and nothing more. Pierre probably knew the most out of anyone in the whole building but even that was limited. Over the years I’d learned to trust him. As much as I could trust any one.

So in a rare moment of honesty, I mumbled softly as my eyes turned back to Regina.] It’s hard to pay for that kind of education when you’ve got four children who depend on you and barely any money. Being a dancer is a nice dream, but that’s all it is. [Pierre is quiet for a moment before humming softly. “Well with Paige quitting last week, I’ve got an open dancer spot. If you’re interested, you could split shifts between your escort work and dancing. I’d be more than willing to give you a bump in profit if…” He trails off and my eyes cut back to him. Eyebrow arched in curiosity.

Pierre wasn’t a bad guy but this was sounding too much like a Pretty Woman scenario for my taste. Once he knows he’s got my attention he continues. “... if you spend that extra money towards dance school.” The incredulous look on my face is hard to disguise. Pierre must be drunk or something and I have no problem telling him so.] Hahaha, very funny. But what you're talking about is just ridiculous. Go back to your office, Pierre before someone else realizes you’re drunk and takes advantage of the situation. [I push off the rail I’d been leaning on and am ready to head back downstairs when his hand catches mine. Letting out a soft gasp, I can’t help but turn back to meet his gaze once more.

There’s something about the look he’s giving me that has me worried. Not that he’d do something out of line, but that he might cross a line that would make being here uncomfortable and I actually really like working here. He seems to pick up on my distress and slowly lets go of my hand so that it drops by my side. His tone still firm. “I’m serious, Dasie. You make me a lot of money and I’d be a fool to give you an out. But you deserve more out of life and if I can help you find it some way, I want to. So come in early tomorrow and work with Regina a bit. See how you like dancing on the floor and if it’s something you like doing and interests you, the job is yours. Just promise me you’ll think about the other part. You’d make one stunning ballerina.” I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat and can’t bring myself to say anything. So I simply nod my head and back away towards the stairs.

It was surely time for my appointment and I needed to distract myself from the bizarre turn this night has taken. There’s a separate entrance for the escort business. A more discreet one and even an area for limos and cars to stop by and pick us up. It almost looks like a hotel lobby and valet service. It’s quite the disguise and I can see the receptionist looking for me when I push through the double doors. Seems I was a tad behind, though one look at my client for the night and I knew he wouldn’t mind my tardiness.

Effortlessly, I glide across the tile floor and slip my arm into his with a wide smile on my face.] Good evening, sorry for the delay. [“Oh it’s nothing, Sadie. I hope you like the ballet. We’re going to the Pacific Northwest Ballet’s performance of Sleeping Beauty and they have gala after that.” My lips pull back into a wide smile but it’s mostly for show. Because for as much as I love the ballet, and it’s been so long since I’ve had a chance to go, that is the last thing I want to do after how my night started. But tonight I wasn’t Dasie Wallace. I was Sadie and my date was taking me to see the ballet.]

#DasieWho #DasieSadieSL #DasieWallace

Out Of The Darkness, Into The Fire

[I had been right. The next morning I awoke to messages from Nicole and Jared. Jared’s were apologetic which I didn’t believe for a second, and Nikki’s were angry wondering what the hell had happened. Frankly I didn’t want to talk to either of them, and today was one of the few days that someone came to sit with Sarah giving me a chance to get out and not have to worry about my ill great-aunt. Rebecca was a nurse Jared’s age who worked at a nearby hospital. She was part of the coven, though not as involved as most. She was sweet and gladly offered her time to sit with Sarah in exchange for simple things like herbs and such that the Warren family had been growing in our backyard for generations. I would have given them to her regardless but I wasn’t going to turn down the free help.

I said my goodbyes to Rebecca and Sarah before heading out the door with my tote bag. I was going someplace I didn’t normally, but I knew it was a place that Jared and Nikki wouldn’t think to find me. The only person who knew about it was Sarah but I knew she would tell them if they came by looking for me today. I’d have to explain things with Jared from last night with her when she was having a good moment, but for now I just wanted to be alone. The drive to Winter Island doesn’t take long, but I generally don’t park close to the shore so the walk to the lighthouse takes a few minutes. Putting my headphones in, I play some music as I make the trek through trees and over rocks until I reach the path to the lighthouse.

People aren’t really allowed on the structure so I’ve taken to sneaking across the rocky path up to the lighthouse all with the thanks of a spell I found when I first started learning. It took perfect timing, such as the power of the full moon which hung in the sky. The white orb visible at mid-day. It happened once a month and thankfully Rebecca never questioned the timing. My fingers come up to touch the pendant of my necklace. It was one of the few gifts I had gotten from my parents, well more like inherited. It had been in their safety deposit box waiting for my 18th birthday. I’d seen it a few times before they died. My mother would show it to me every once in a while, telling me that this was special and belonged to me but not until I was old enough. My parents always worried about me growing up too fast. And in the end they’d never see the woman I’d grow up to be. A solitary tear fell down my cheek and I quickly brushed it aside as I glanced back up at the moon.] Luna, scutum me in tua luce. Permitte me esse umbra noctem.

[The familiar surge of energy rushed through me and I knew I was now hidden from others sight. As I walked across the path to the lighthouse, I remembered the first time I used it and freaked Sarah out. She thought I’d been kidnapped or something. Until she saw the spell book open on my bed. I was grounded for almost a month and didn’t get to learn anything new during that time. Coming up to the lighthouse, I placed my hand against the stone building. It was one of the few places in Salem that felt like home. I was brought here by Sarah when I first came to town, she told me that the light would always shine on me and let me know that my parents were watching over me. It was comforting and ever since then I felt closest to them sitting here. I easily climbing up to the lookout and sat in my normal spot. Legs hanging over the ledge as my body hung against the bars acting as a guardrail.

It was out here that I first got a true taste of my power. Kicking up a wind storm that created horrible surf conditions. Now with a flick of my hand I could do even more than that. Thinking back to the last time I used my powers I’m reminded of my ’date’ with Jared. I’d be lying if there wasn’t a time that I was interested. But now it felt forced, like I was more of a prize than someone he truly cares for. Sure the Warren and Lewis families went way back, as I’m told repeatedly. But family history didn’t mean that I was going to just throw myself at his feet. I honestly thought that Nikki was perfect for Jared, but she always denied it vehemently when I suggested it.

My head began to ache as I continued to go over everything in my mind and I had come out here to gain peace. Closing my eyes, I take the headphones out of my ears and listen to the crashing of the waves. Taking a few calming breaths until the pounding in my temples started to fade away and I could reopen my eyes. The water was truly beautiful today, and the wind whipping around me every so often. Tranquil, peaceful. Not realizing how horrible a night’s sleep I got before, I began to start yawning, shaking my head to keep myself alert. Napping here wasn’t something I was against, but letting my guard down was never a good idea.

After a few more minutes sleep was hard to deny, and I stopped fighting as I rested my head sideways against the upper bar. I don’t know how long I slept, but when I opened my eyes next the sun was almost done setting. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes and glanced around dazed. Hours of time had slipped away from me and I still had actual errands to run. Quickly climbing down from the lighthouse, I made my way back to the shore, whispering the uncloaking spell as I did so.] Gratias ad lunae lumen enim protegens me. Non abscondam me ex mundo. Benedictus eritis.

[I would need to get home soon to relieve Rebecca and start dinner, but first I needed to stop by the market and grab some items. All my other errands would have to wait till tomorrow. Pearce’s Market was a family run store, mainly regular groceries and such but the Pearces had started out selling herbs and such generations ago. They were part of the coven too, their children around my own age but I wasn’t as close to them. Stepping into the store, I reminded myself that I only need a few items. I’d come back to do more shopping later. First I picked up some locally caught shrimp, before heading to the produce section to grab some of Aunt Sarah’s favorite sides like asparagus and tomatoes. I was thinking of making one of my risotto dishes that she’d always liked when a shadow fell over the onions in front of me.

Turning slightly, I looked up to Jared. My eyebrows furrowed a bit as to why he’d come to see me. After last night I was convinced he’d give me some space and yet here he was. “Hey, Tempest.” He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled. This didn’t seem like the Jared I knew at all. But I couldn’t find it in me to tell him off. That however didn’t stop him from thinking I would. “Look, I know that last night was a disaster and I don’t know what the hell came over me. I just really like you and figured you’d want me to be upfront about it. Dominating or something like that.” He trails off and chuckles nervously again. “I got some bad advice on how to impress you and I was hoping that maybe you’d give me another chance… Please?”

I bite my lip unsure as to what the hell was going on. Just last night I told Jared that I felt nothing but annoyance in regards to him. But here I was feeling something. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was new and apparently tied to Jared. My gaze met his and it just intensified the feeling until I just started to nod. Frozen silent at having agreed to a round two, but I couldn’t help but want to spend more time with him now. Maybe Nikki was right and I hadn’t truly given Jared a chance. A wide smile graced his lips as he leaned over and brushed a soft kiss onto my cheek, causing a shiver to run down my spine. This was definitely new and something I’d be cautious in exploring.

“Great, how bout we go out for lunch later this week? I’ll text you about it tomorrow?” I opened my mouth to respond but I couldn’t figure out what the hell to say so I simply nodded again before grabbing an onion.] I’ve gotta get home now. [Those are the only words that escape my lips as I turn away from Jared and head to the checkout counter. I wasn’t sure what the hell had just happened, but unlike last time an almost foreign part of me felt excited about going on a date with Jared.]

#OutOfTheDarknessIntoTheFire #WitchyWarrenSL #WaywardTempest

The Best Medicine

[Since I was little, I was never big on the outdoors. Besides hanging out in the tree house my father built for me and my brothers, actual camping and such just weren’t for me despite enjoying the hobby of photographing nature. However, I could only enjoy being out in it for so long before things like bugs started to remind me why I was more of a city gal. But still there were few things that soothed me as easily as watching the waves along the shoreline. Even when I was in Baltimore, if I ever felt truly low and in need of serenity, I would go to a beach an hour outside of the city and just spend the day there to refresh myself. So when Dahlia invited me to get away for a bit with her and the kids, I quickly jumped at the chance. Especially when it was clear that Jasper and the others would be staying behind in NOLA.

Things remained a bit awkward and tense since the intervention of sorts with Wendy and the guys. No one was pressuring me to talk now that truth seemed to be out and generally known. Maybe I should have been happy about that, but Dahlia realized that some time away from them might be the best. So we drove four hours to Alabama where my family had been able to build a home along a quiet part of the Mobile Bay. A summer home of sorts, although it was used year-round to simply get away from the city. My father had talked about building it in Louisiana, but my mother had insisted that a getaway home needed to be a decent drive away from the city to keep my father from getting too drawn back into work matters when we were supposed to be on family trips.

The home away from home was built in Point Clear, near the town of Fairhope. My mother settled on it because it was home to a local hotel that my parents had first stayed at for a weekend getaway early in their marriage. She’d fallen in love with the area and everything so when it came time to think of where to find a second home, which I have no doubt would one day become a retirement home for them, my mother pushed for the current location and obviously won. In the end, we all won though. The three-story home was big enough to fit the entire Mosby clan if we came out, but still felt homey even if only a few of us were staying like now. The back patio opened up to long grassy backyard that ran down to the sandy beach shoreline along with the long wharf that was almost another homey construction of its own. And if that wasn't enough, it helped that there was another Mosby tree house here similar to the one back home.

My father had fun building this almost perfect getaway creation with all of his sons knowing that it would be used and eventually inherited by them… I might have helped a bit myself when I could pull myself away from my camera. In a way, this was one of the first places I learned to really love and value my photography of nature. “Isn’t there something about just sitting here that soothes the soul?” I’m drawn out of my reverie by Dahlia's question and for a moment there I’d forgotten everything else in my life and the world. Slowly nodding my head, I can’t help but agree with her. We’d been here only a day and already I was feeling lighter. It helps of course when you’re surrounded by such natural happiness, I think as my young niece Abigail lets out a purely unadulterated happy squeal. Her small feet padding up and down the beach to try to capture the waves and then run away before it catches her in return.

Her younger brother Arthur is also amused by her antics, but is happy to sit between me and his mother in the grassy area. A blanket below us to keep our clothes somewhat clean as well as separate our snacks and treats from any hungry bugs and such. My fingers coming out to tickle Artie’s chin to get him to giggle along with his sister while I address his mother.] Thank you for inviting me to join y’all. [Despite not looking in her direction as I spoke, I can still feel the smile that spreads across her face and can be heard in her reply. “Of course, Emma. We’re sisters and while I didn’t have as many siblings as you did growing up, I’ve learned how oppressive it can be to feel siblings closing in on you from all sides. Especially when it’s the Mosbys.” This gets me to snap my gaze up to look at her.] I hope you never felt… oppressed by us when you first joined the family… or even now. [Her laugh is as light and pure as her daughter’s and I can only imagine the trouble that Jasper will have when Abigail isn’t a little girl anymore and is instead old enough to start attracting any kind of attention.

If I thought it would be any help to him, I’d suggest him talking to my father. However, I never received any attention myself. At least not that I really know of… God help my brothers if I ever find out that they discouraged anyone from asking me out. Being a single, virgin nun at the age of 30 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Don’t get me wrong. At first, the family can be overwhelming which I’m sure Reba has felt herself, but I know that you guys are just full of love for each other. It helps that I first met Jasper at college and he didn’t bring me home to y’all until we knew we were serious about one another. And you guys were still all pretty young and in your own lives and school work at the time.” Again I simply nod my head in response and turn my gaze back to the waves and the still delighted Abby.

It was weird at first when Dahlia was introduced to the family, at least for me. I was so used to my brothers and Teddy that the only major females in my life were Wendy and my mom. I didn’t know exactly how to have a sister really. Wendy was my best friend, but at the time our sisterhood was between us not brought on by her connection with one of my brothers. The thought reminds me of how awkward the new dynamic of my friendship with Wendy has become. It was easier with Dahlia once we found common ground and I got used to having another lady in my inner circle.

It doesn’t take long for me to mentally spiral and start wondering whether I would ever figure things out in my life both social and career wise… and now with the family drama, I just wanted to go lay in the water and let it wash over me. Not realizing just how my deep thoughts were bubbling to the physical surface, I release a heavy sigh drawing Dahlia’s concern. “I know I haven’t known you as long as your brothers…. or even Wendy, but I feel like with more than a decade under my belt and a few siblings of my own, that I can be a helpful shoulder and ear… if you need it.” As I turn back to her to say thanks but no thanks, that was part of my problem having one too many people butting into my already mess of a life, she holds her hands up and quickly cuts off my reply.

“No pressure or anything and it doesn’t just have to be about what brought you home or what you’re gonna do next. As one of the newer Mosby additions, I’m more of a neutral party in all of this so you’re more than welcome to vent about… other things that might be bothering you.” I prayed she was talking about the tension between me and my brothers, otherwise I was truly fucked if even Dahlia knew about my issues with Wendy and Jonah. My hand comes up to rub the tension from my face as Dahlia leans in over Artie’s smaller body to mock whisper. “I know how difficult Jasper can be at times, so don’t feel like you can rant about him to me, his loving wife… Right, Artie.”

She shifts her attention to the little boy who is starting to realize that his mom and aunt might not be having as much fun as he is, despite not being old enough to know exactly what’s being discussed. I learned early with Abby that sometimes body language spoke volumes even with the little ones. With easy, Dahlia picks up Artie and goes down to the water to play with him and Abby, effectively ending the conversation so I can think about what she’s said. It’s so eerily like my mother that a small chuckle bubbles up.

This was one of this first things I noticed about Dahlia before she was even married to my brother: how much she resembled my mother in personality and such. It’s also what helped me to connect with her once I realized she was pretty much already family to Jasper. She’s only perfected some things after becoming a mother. Her method of not pushing didn’t ruffle my feathers like my brothers’ more bulldozing approach. Watching her play with her children along the shore, only increases my desire to go down there as well.

However, first I pick up my camera that I’d brought with me to snap some shots of them. Maybe if I was feeling generous later I’d even share them with Jasper one day. My lips curling up into a soft smile once more feeling lighter than before we arrived. Dahlia was right. This is what I needed. To take a step back and regroup. Maybe I’d stay here for a little bit longer to try and figure things out. It might mean finally admitting the truth to my parents, but if Dahlia’s actions were anything to go off of, my mother might be more of the balm that my battered soul seemed to need right now... That and the lapping waves.]

#TheBestMedicine #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Reminder Of What I Really Am

[No matter how far I’d run from the pack… and myself, if I was honest, there was one time of the month when I always felt at peace and that was during the full moon. As much as I was at war with myself, every time the full moon rose it was as if the wolf inside of me found a semblance of balance with the human side of me that struggled throughout the month. And this month it was even more so with the Harvest moon.

Even though the full moon came and went just like it did every month, there was something about this one that had the effects lingering. Even days after the full moon had hit its peak, I was still outside in the nearby wilderness communing with the nature around me. I usually changed back during the day hours to at least get a bit of time away from the wolf, but this time there was something calling for me to embrace the primal wolf even more so than normal. Maybe I’d been away from the pack for so long and this was something that lone wolves had to deal with.

Honestly, I’d probably never know until I came across another Were. But as I sat on the top of a rock formation staring at the brilliant light of the moon, I didn’t really care. There was something about the night that was both quiet and peaceful, yet busy and active. The wind was lightly wiping the cool air over my fur, keeping me cool enough without chilling deep beneath it, while also bringing the scents of the other animals in the forest around me. There was a couple deer downwind of me that I picked up their scent thanks to a shift in the wind. If I was with a pack, we might have gone after them for some hot meat to fill our bellies. However, the past couple days in the wild had not only given me peace but a chance to embrace my wolfish side.

I’d already eaten my share of woodland creatures until I was ready to change back. Instead, I gave a low howl to warn them off before the sight of me gave them a shock. Could Bambi die of a heart attack? Guess I’d never know. My gaze returns to the moon huge in the sky and I know tonight will be the last that I spend outside before returning to what little semblance of a life I currently have. When I first left my father’s pack I was more concerned with getting away and not being caught again that I’d forgotten exactly what one gains from being in a pack and a wolf.

As I child I loved coming out into the woods with my mother and shifting. My earliest memories were of those times with her. Until she died and then I used shifting as an escape from my father and all the growing troubles in the pack. In the end, I didn’t even want to shift or take part in pack activities. But the time away had slowly reminded me of what it was truly like to be a werewolf and who I was apart from my father and the pack.

Maybe I was always destined to be a lone wolf… and this was my chance. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t have to keep a weathered eye over my shoulder for anyone coming for me, but finally for the first time in a long while, I felt like I could truly enjoy the duality of my nature.

Giving my muscles a stretch out before curling back up into a tight ball to get some sleep, I continued to glance up at the moon and make a decision that would change my life moving forward. I would find somewhere I could settle down and start making a life for myself. Somewhere I could also continue to fully embrace my wolf without drawing too many eyes. No idea where this would place would be, but I was now determined to find it.

Fuck my father and his plans for my life. I was my own Alpha and I’d be damned if I was gonna run scared for the rest of my life.]

#WolfyLeah #LoneWolfSL #ReminderOfWhatIReallyAm

Living Nightmares

[I woke up crying, heavy sobs. I remembered the dream with perfect clarity. Where I was, what I had said, the moment ‘The Pit’ came at me vicious as ever. I swear I could still feel the kicks in my legs from where he had last planted one in my dream with my father feet away doing nothing to stop Pit from his assault. It was just a dream... But I couldn't even call it that. It was a nightmare. My living nightmare. It wasn't that exactly situation or words said or beating. But it had all happened before, more times than I care to count or admit. It was always Pit who left actual marks, garnered real terror from me. But my other brothers inflicted their own type of abuse onto me. The Pit is what I called my youngest brother because I considered him a selfish asshole who thought of no one but himself. An abyss of nothing. A black pit. I can't remember exactly when it turned to violence, but over time angry words became hits and kicks. Unlike in my dream, my father was never in the actual room when it happened. I think if he was he would at least then do something about it. But since he never was, he never really did. Not like he should have. Never put the fear of God to make my youngest and cruelest brother leave me in peace. I'm not saying I didn't stir things back up in return.

Over the years I'd turned into a ugly, hateful person around my family. I snapped and cursed and pushed buttons when rankled. I knew doing so would only egg them on. But the alternative was just as worse. I couldn't just sit there and take it, pretend that it didn't anger me to my core. I still had my pride and self-respect. Not a lot and it was badly battered over the years, but I didn't want to deal with any more of that bullshit. So I left. However, the dreams and memories stayed with me. I felt as weak as I did in those actual moments. Unable to stop them and truly defend myself. There was always the fear that they'd find me and bring me back home, back to the pack. I couldn't do that... I refused to do that. So I moved from city to city any time my hair stood on end. Benefits of being a werewolf. My animal instincts altered me when it was probably best to get out of dodge. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed off they helped more when I needed them most. It's part of why I generally suppressed my wolf side except for the full moon or when the fight or flight instinct kicked into high gear. I didn't want any part of something that reminded me of my past and what couldn't save me from my brothers’ terror. Especially cause I always feared it would be the reason my father would call me back to the pack.

Yes, I had brothers. But they were all half-brothers. And as silly and dumb as it may seem. I was the one expected to become wife of the next Alpha. It was quite archaic. But it was beaten, figuratively, into our heads that it was the way for werewolf and pack survival. New werewolves were brought into the pack each generation, but most Alphas were considered pure werewolves born from two born Weres. And so to keep at least a few born Weres in that same line, packs seemed to ship their children from one to the other to fulfill this ideal. My mother was a pure born Were from another pack. Married my father despite not truly loving him. They made it work. Had a semblance of respect for each other and the werewolf ways. But my father also bedded other wolves and had sons who couldn't become Alpha. I always think it was his insistence that he needed a son and heir from my mother that ultimately killed her. She died in childbirth when I was young. She was pregnant with a son who also died. But my father feared it could be another girl and I think, or I guess hoped, that fear drove my father to try again with another Were, someone close to my mother but not a pure born Were. Which is how my younger brother Pit came into the world. And unfortunately it was around the same time as my mother and brother's death.

I don't know what possessed them to try and play him off as my dead brother. But they had, and eventually over time it was found out… why they thought it wouldn't happen is beyond me. Especially my father. I'm sure deep down he knew it would never work, but he was desperate. It would be hard to hide the fact that my brother didn't have red hair like both my mother and father when he shifted. It didn't matter how different or similar members of the pack looked as humans, the second we shifted the true colors of our bloodlines were shown. Which is exactly what happened for the Pit the moment anyone saw his jet black fur, just like his mother’s. And his potential reign as Alpha ended before it even began. I think a part of him even felt lied to, as he believed his parents and their schemes. Which is no doubt why his wrath turned to me as the person who took what he felt was rightfully his, and maybe it could have been if the pack had abandoned the rigid, traditional standards for Alpha, like newer packs had started to do for the past several decades.

However, that wasn’t the case back home, so it fell back on me to play bride and wife to whatever pure born Were who was sent by his pack to make an alliance with us through a future Alpha. In the same way my mother came to live with my father's pack. He'd get to pick who was his predecessor. I would have no say in who I married and after years of being under my brothers’ thumbs, I had no wish to resign my fate to a Were I'd never met before. So I left. Ran as far away as I could and never looked back, except for when I feared my past was starting to catch up with me. And if my nightmare was any proof or forewarning, my past was coming back to haunt me.]

#LivingNightmares #LoneWolfSL #WolfyLeah

Cold, Harsh Light Of Day

[At first, all I’m aware of is the fact that the blood is pounding so loud in my head that I can feel it, hear it. And then underneath that, I can hear the voices talking in another room. It sounds like Wendy and Jonah. “I don’t care, Wendy. My sister is not allowed to treat you that way. Jasper wouldn’t let her talk to Dahlia that way and neither would Jackson let her with Reba. Right, Jack?” I don’t hear Jackson so I can only imagine he replied with a nod or something. “I don’t doubt it, babe. But you have to realize that unlike them, I’m her best friend. It’s not the same by a mile.” There’s some silence and in that time things catch up with me. Like how the night before I’d had too much to drink and after being questioned by Wendy while my guard was down, I had a complete meltdown. It wouldn’t have been an issue in general as I’ve had moments like that since being fired when things reached a boiling point. But it had never happened in front of someone like Wendy. Basically, family. And it would seem that she called in the calvary after I left her. That reminds me that I heard her talking at one point last night and I can only assume now that it was Jonah who brought the others up to speed.

Not wanting to wait for them, like a firing squad, I decide it’s better to do things on my own terms and get this over with while I already felt like the shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe. Thankfully, I had already been in comfy sweats before I’d started drinking, but I’m not sure how a blanket got on top of me. Probably Wendy while checking on me after whenever the guys let her inside. I guess that would be my first question. Slowly rolling out of the bed, I quietly pad my way to the door and open it to reveal all five of my brothers along with Wendy. She and Jonah are standing close to the door and the rest are all sitting in various places around the family room. Their collective eyes all shifting to look at me as I lean against the doorway.] So…. how long have you all been here? [The look on Jonah’s face shows me just how pissed he is. It’s not one I’ve usually seen directed at me but I still know it well enough. And even if I didn’t, the barely veiled anger in the tone of his voice would give how he feels away. “Wendy’s been here ever since you tried to lock her out last night. Thankfully she knows where the spare key is kept because she didn’t feel it best to leave you on your own even if you were acting like a whiny brat.”

Jasper, Jackson and Wendy all call out his name at the same time and I simply wave them off. He had a right to be upset after I let loose one his fiancee. I wasn’t so hungover or about my own problems that I couldn’t see that, no matter how much it might irk me as I remember a time when I would be pissed with him for saying shit to her growing up. Boy how the tables had turned. Jasper seems to realize he needs to step in and run things or tempers could flare up. “Why don’t we focus on one thing at a time, starting with the most important. Why didn’t you tell any of us what was going on with you, Emma Jean?” His voice is firm when he starts, but it softens when he asks me the question, and I don’t have any good answer. In fact, I shrug my arms, unsure what to say. “That’s not good enough, E.J. We knew something was up when we talked to you at the diner the other night, but you didn’t even give a hint that it was this big,” Jackson said also taking the ‘interacting with an injured animal’ approach. Clearly there had been a long discussion before I woke up as no one is surprised at the mention of the twins’ late night ambush.

Damn, I was fucked if they were all going to provide a united front against me. My only saving grace was that my parents wouldn’t be home for another day.] It’s not like there was anything you guys could have done. [I can already see at least Jasper and the twins ready to disagree with me and I know what’s coming so I try to cut them off.] And I didn’t want y’all trying to find me a job at dad’s business for me. Those should be for people who actually need them and want to work there. I already felt bad enough, I didn’t want to be surrounded by my family while I worked at a job I didn’t want to be at, okay? As horrible as that might sound. [The throbbing in my head only intensifies the longer I’m standing up and I bring my hands up as if to rub the sleep and hangover from my face. Judd, who’s the only one sitting on the couch, pats it and sets a huge pillow down against the outside of his leg in invitation to come and lay down beside him. And as much as I might want to stay standing alone against what interrogation I’m going to go through, my body doesn’t feel up to and would much rather crash so I drag my tired self over to the couch and flop down next to him.

At the same time, I see Wendy move off to the kitchenette area and Jesse shifts over to the arm of the couch next to my feet, giving my calf a comforting pat. The action might seem out of place considering what was going on in the conversation, but then again with Jesse being the youngest among us and similar artistic career concerns he didn’t really have much room to talk down to me. If anything, he probably understood where I was coming from even if he didn’t agree with how I was handling my current situation. Whatever attempt at a smile I had thought about doing is quickly forgotten when I notice Wendy returning with a glass of water in one hand while the other hand was in a closed fist. Despite how I’d blown up at her and angry my brother was, my best friend’s first action was to get me some painkillers and water. Properly chagrined, I tried to appear grateful as I take the proffered items. However, I’d learned a long time ago that when I felt bad, sick, or pathetic enough, my face could take a bit of a dead expression so I mutter a soft thanks to make the difference.

And there ended the short reprieve as Jasper, Jackson and Jonah all stand side by side in front of the couch as soon as Wendy has backed away. A united front that was rarely set against me. I’d seen them tackle problems, especially on the job, this way. And now it seemed I was the problem. With a quick glance first at Jonah and then Jasper, Jackson decides it’s time to push forward. “I guess we can understand you not wanted to work for the family business, EJ. But you didn’t say anything to anyone about your troubles. You let us all believe that you were coming home on your own terms because you wanted to and just needed to stay with Mom and Dad until you could find a good place to live.” Jasper quickly picks up the thread and takes a step closer to the couch. “You’ve always been independent Emma, even when you were little. It’s why no one thought twice about you moving away, but this isn’t the little girl who insisted she could handle a school yard bully by herself, even though she knew her brothers had her back if she needed them. I don’t know what happened while you were away in Baltimore and in some ways I don’t care, I just want to make sure you’re okay moving forward. That’s all we really care about, right?”

He says this last part to the guys who all agree with him, even Jonah who was the only one to really receive a questioning look from Jasper after he asked. Jonah links his fingers with Wendy’s and the action seems deliberate, but for what reason, I couldn’t say. However, once he does it, his voice finds its usually calm tone. “No matter what, we love you, Emma Jean. But we can’t help you and be the brothers and family to you that we want to be if you don’t let us in. Clearly things have changed. We’ve grown up and stuff has shifted, but that doesn’t mean we love you any less or that we’re not going to do whatever we can as your brothers. That will never change… unfortunately.” His lips pull back into a soft smile which betrays the last teasing comment and in a way it’s also a slight show of forgiveness concerning what happened with Wendy. Not that I’m sure we won’t have more words about it in the future between the three of us, but they hopefully won’t be as heated as they could have been when I first woke up.

With a bit of a heavy sigh that tries to become a yawn, I sit up before addressing my older brothers.] Look, I honestly don’t know what to say right now. We’re pretty lucky that I’m even remotely close to functioning this morning…. [I pause for a moment cause I realize I’m not sure if it is even in fact morning and I see Judd nod his head in the corner of my eye. As a teacher, he’s used to students speaking in a questioning tone as if they aren’t sure about if they are answering something correctly. I’m also not surprised he hasn’t said anything with the others. Not because he’s younger than me like Jesse, but because of our own sibling dynamic since we were so close in age. Anything he has to say to me, he’ll wait until the others leave to bring up just like he always did growing up.] I will own up to the fact that I should have been more honest about what was going on with me and the circumstances that brought me back home. But that’s all I’m prepared to say at the moment. [My gaze quickly darts to Wendy before looking around my brothers and I wonder exactly how much of what I told her last night was shared. As much as I wouldn’t have thought it of Wendy in the past, given the situation I can imagine she didn’t hold much back.] Some things about what happened are off the table and aren’t up for discussion… I mean it.

[My gaze now meets Jasper’s with a purpose as he is the obvious ringleader of us all.] We can talk more about the rest later, but for now I really just want to go roll back into bed and sleep this off. I had a lot to drink even before you sent in your double agent. [I will my eyes not to dart once again in Wendy’s direction while trying to keep my voice light so that tempers don’t flare again with Jonah. With a smile belying more cheer than I’m even remotely feeling, I somehow lift myself up off the couch and make my way toward my room. “We’ll leave behind some lunch for you to eat when you wake back up.” I can’t help but look back now at Wendy and meet her gaze and the soft smile on her face which I try to return.] I’d appreciate that… I’m gonna get some sleep now.

[I’m not sure if I prefer the awkwardness of the situation compared to the angry tension I woke up to, but my brothers all start to bid me farewell as I try not to flee into my room and quickly shut the door. Even as I roll into my bed, I can hear the sounds of a hushed conversation taking place before they head upstairs, no doubt for the lunch Wendy mentioned. I’m still not sure how I feel about the events of the morning, but I do know that I couldn’t simply pretend it hadn’t happened and bury my head in the sand like I’d been doing. Sooner rather than later, I’d also have to come clean with my parents. At the moment, I wasn’t sure what benefit coming home had been, but that could just be the hangover talking. Another heavy sigh escapes me before I groan and decide that if I couldn’t bury my head in the sand, I could at least bury myself back under the blankets once again, willing myself to sleep eventually.]

#ColdHarshLightOfDay #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

When The Dam Breaks

[It’s not often that my brothers surprise me. I mean I think I got to know them pretty well when we lived together growing up. They were pretty formative years, if you know what I mean. They always handled things the same ways with very few deviations. However, this one I didn’t see coming. As I was waiting for all the Mosby boys to pull me into a family meeting and give me an intervention or something, I was blindsided by the double agent they’d decided to use instead. Although later it was explained that it was her suggestion and they all just agreed it would probably be better to go that way then try to drag me kicking and screaming. It would seem they also got to know me pretty well during those formative years. And truthfully I should have seen it coming. After all, she was part of the reason I received the first late night visit from the twins. But that’s how I found myself staying up late one night drinking with Wendy while my parents were out of town for the weekend. She had claimed that she wanted some girl time since we hadn’t really caught up or hung out since I’d returned home. Which was the truth. Hell I’d even admit to myself that I was slightly avoiding her because of my conflicted feelings about her relationship with Jonah and my own personal crisis. She was just lucky that she’d caught me with my guard down as I’d already started drinking earlier in the evening.

Carrying a bag of good booze she joined me out on the back porch were I was just listening to some music, enjoying the rare cool Louisiana evening and drinking, obviously. “Mind if I join you? I’ve brought some stuff from the pub including your favorites.” My head gives a quick bob while I bring the bottle of Angry Orchard to my lips to finish it off. From what I saw her pull out, I knew we’d be sticking to hard liquor the rest of the night.] I’m gonna go inside and get some mixers for the vodka. I could go for a screwdriver right about now. [The dizzy, buzzed feeling hits me the second I stood up and that should have been a warning sign to me, but I was honestly too focused on drowning my feelings and the voices in my head to realized the danger in getting drunk with someone who I was trying to keep secrets from. It doesn’t take me long to deposit my already empty bottles into the recycling bin and pull out some orange juice, couple sodas and ice as well as some glasses to drink from before heading back outside. Wendy silently holds out her hand for one glass and starts filling it up with vodka and then orange juice. There were some perks to having a best friend who spent her life in a bar growing up. Still without either of us speaking, I take the now-filled glass back from her and take a good gulp of the drink.] Damn, you always know just the right ratio to where I can feel the alcohol hitting my bloodstream without feeling like I’m drinking more vodka than OJ. [I raise the glass in the air as a salute to her abilities. “It’s a good thing that I’ll be inheriting a pub then one day.” We chuckle because we’ve always joke that she was born to bartend, though we could never figure out if she’d have done something different if her parents didn’t own the pub.

She easily fixes herself a drink as we sit in the Adirondack chairs that were brought up on the deck by my parents years ago. No doubt they’ve done similar things on a nice night, sitting out on the porch and drinking wine or whatever old people drink. A low snort bubbles up while I take another sip and Wendy asks what’s got me amused.] Nothing, I was just thinking about my parents and having happy old couple moments out here in these very chairs…. [Suddenly my guttered mind takes the idea a bit to far and as soon as the image pops in my head I can’t help but voice it to Wendy.] God I hope they kept things PG. Or at least did the R rated stuff in your chair. [This causes her to wrinkle her nose at the gross image, but overall it doesn’t stop us from cracking up at what I’ve said. And once the laughter has winded down, Wendy gives a content sigh. “You know I don’t think I’d mind being like that one day with Jonah.” Another reminder of their relationship, about the fact that soon she’ll be my actual sister and yet her loyalties will first go to my brother over me, has me taking a bigger gulp than previously. However, Wendy doesn’t notice as she’s still thinking and speculating to me about her fantasy of a happy romantic future. I’m not proud of how bitter I felt in that moment, but loneliness can do that to a person. If I really thought about it, I could even be bitter about Teddy’s situation in life. Granted his constant companion was a small boy who he took care of, but as a live-in nanny he spent the majority of the day with another human who, for better or worse, loved him and who he couldn’t help but love in return. It only helped to make me realize how alone and unhappy I was.

Thoughts of Richard start to come unbidden to the forefront and I almost miss Wendy’s question. “Doesn’t that just sound amazing?” Her head turning to meet my gaze in earnest interest of what I thought. Although I couldn’t say if it sounded amazing or not seeing as I hadn’t hear most of what she’d said. I just hoped she wouldn’t notice my disinterest as I nodded my head, taking a big gulp of my drink to cover any awkwardness in my answer. Wendy’s eyes were too much like a hawk at times, able to pick up on the slightest clues in what I was trying not to say. Another potential cue at her double agent status, if I had had my wits about me. And whether or not she picked up on something this time, she still found her way onto the minefield with her next question. “What about you Ems? You’re gonna be 30 in the next month or so. Isn’t there someone you look forward to settling down with? I thought there was a guy back in Baltimore who you lived in the same building with... or was it that y’all worked together? [I quickly shake my head and hold my empty glass out towards her in silent request for a refill. She easily puts it back to rights once again and it’s almost as if she’s happy to ply me with alcohol, not that I question it at the time. “No, I definitely remember you gushing over him several times. Richard, right? But his last name was a little more interesting.” It’s obvious she’s trying to see if she can remember it from past conversations while I snort at her comment causing our eyes to meet. ] You’re one to talk, Melancon. [Wendy gives a slight shrug at that and waves me off. “Well it’ll be Mosby soon enough so there’s no need to go into all that. Now be honest, what was the story with that guy. I know I wasn’t there with you, but I’ve known you long enough to know there was a guy you were at least interested in.”

A heavy sigh escapes me unbidden and it’s as if my feelings and thoughts were just underneath the surface trying to get out. My voice is soft and low when I finally give in to Wendy’s questioning.] His last name was Espinosa, Richard Espinosa and we were both co-workers and living in the same building. [Turning from her penetrating gaze, I focus my own at the night sky and continue sipping my drink with regular frequency. Whereas I’m pretty sure Wendy had barely gotten halfway through her first one. It was as if Wendy saw the barely visible crack in my shell opening and decided to take a crowbar at it. The damn woman knew how to go for the kill. “Sounds like you two were very close then. How did he feel about you leaving the paper and moving back home?” A million things warred inside of me once she said those words and I can only imagine what my face looked like to her. Even so, all I was intent on doing was finishing my drink and keeping my mouth shut, but I was only actually able to do one of those things. As soon as I’d down the last of my second drink, I let out a harsh chuckle from all the darker thoughts collecting in my head.] I’m pretty sure he didn’t give a fucking damn since he was busy fucking another photographer when I got home one day. Nothing like coming home from a shitty day to just have life dump on you once again.

[Suddenly it was if the dam had broke and I didn’t care anymore about if the idyllic town of Mosby down at the bottom of the valley got wiped off the face of the earth by the flood of my emotions. In the morning, I’m sure I’d wonder just how much I’d had to drink to reach this point, but in the moment I had no fucks to give. I couldn’t even be bothered to register the shock on Wendy’s face as I grabbed the bottle of vodka and started drinking straight from it. The words flowing out of me between each gulp as easily as the liquor I was consuming.] It wasn’t bad enough that I’d lost my job months before that to the fucking bitch who is sub-par at best. Or that he’d turn into a right dick holding money problems over my head and making me feel like shit. Or that I’d practically wanted to be with him since we met. Nope… I had to still see that shit. With baby vomit caked all down my blouse from this horrible interview at a portrait studio. And I thought that was the last drop into what has to be the darkest pit of my life. But then I had to come home, which was another blow all together, and go through all these horrible feelings and thoughts. Including having my best friend telling my brother what’s going on in my life when I’m pretty sure it was obvious that I didn’t want anyone knowing about it.

[I’m not sure when I’d started crying or reached the end of the bottle or stood up for that matter. However, I did know that my voice had raised so loud to the point that it cracked and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go, but I wasn’t done yet while Wendy was just sitting frozen in her chair.] I’m almost 30 years old and I was fired from my job so I have to work at my old highschool job, I’m no closer to finding someone to share my life with after spending two years pining for an assclown and I’m so goddamn broke that I have to live with my fucking parents. And I mean, I love them, but who wants to be a grown-ass adult living with their parents? I feel so fucking alone and lost, Wendy. So please don’t ask me if something is amazing because all I see in my future is the shitty fog I’m stuck in. [Slowly, I put the bottle down on the table and try to wipe the tears from my eyes, as if that will somehow help me get control during this meltdown. Already I’m regretting the verbal diarrhea and know that I’ve come too close to the unfriendly thoughts about my brother and best friend. The next words out of my mouth could either attempt to put the genie back in the bottle, sweep the dirt under the rug or completely burn my flimsy house of cards down. And with alcohol in the mix, it was anyone’s guess which one it would be.]

I love you Wendy, and I swear I’m happy that you and Jonah are happy. [Alright, seems to be going good.] But right now I just want to be alone… [Wait... wasn’t that what I was just going off about?] … by myself. With my thoughts… [Cause that’s done me so well so far. I’m not sure what side of me voiced that thought, but all the same it causes my eyes to drift to the whip cream flavored vodka bottle that Wendy had brought.] … and some more liquor. [Without giving another thought to my shell-shocked best friend, I pick the bottle up from the table and head inside. Somehow, there’s just enough presence of mind to lock the door before heading down to the ground floor where my bed is and I know there’s a bottle of orange soda. My focus solely on having the alcoholic equivalent of a Dreamsicle and drinking until I forget all the other shit in my life. God knows I’ll regret so much of this in the morning and for days, probably weeks to come. But all that mattered at the moment was drowning out everything, including the sound of Wendy talking to someone outside on the patio. I’d deal with the repercussions later.]

#WhenTheDamBreaks #EJMosbySL #EJ-Mosby

Dead In The Water

[Sarah’s words have been haunting me for the past few days. At night I’d lie awake in bed and try to figure out their meaning. I’d come up with some pretty far-fetched ideas. Thoughts of fate and sacrifice. It was bizarre even for me, and I practiced magic. Today, however, my mind was focused solely on the fact that Jared would be at my house tonight to cook dinner. When my best friend Nicole found out, she’d smacked my arm and smirked saying I’d held out on her. She really seemed to want me with him. Like we would be a great couple together. But honestly I think Jared Lewis is the last man I could ever see myself with. Maybe I could have when we were younger, but now he had an edge to him.

Jared was a few years older than Nikki and myself, but he’d been part of the small group of kids from the coven who went to school together. After he graduated I’d only seen him at coven meetings. Even less when I was attending college. It wasn’t until I was taking care of Sarah full-time that I noticed all the changes in him. Where he was confident and clever before, he was overly cocky and rude. No doubt because he was being groomed to run the coven one day. It was a big deal, an honor really. However, it was turning him into someone I couldn’t stand being around. That made his feelings for me even more unwelcome. I was so unlike him. The idea that he’d be interested in me honestly made me laugh. Doing so in front of Nikki hadn’t gone over well though. Thinking of Nikki, I glanced up at the clock to see what time it was. She’d told me to expect her at 2 to get ready for tonight and it was already 1:48. Knowing Nikki she’d be around soon.

Taking advantage of the last of my free time, I walked to the den doorway and glanced over at Aunt Sarah. It was a good day and she was laughing as some silly soap opera situation. Probably some outrageous event. Her eyes glance over to connect to mine and she smiles briefly before it falls at the sound of someone knocking on the front door. Sarah seemed to be as excited about tonight as I was. Sucking in a deep calming breath, I stepped into the foyer and opened the front door. There stood Nicole Bibber, practically buzzing with excitement, as if all the Warren family energy was trapped in her body. I don’t even have time to greet her before she squeals and pushes past me into the house. “Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re gonna have Jared over tonight for a date. Aren’t you so excited?” Shutting the door, I rolled my eyes before facing her.] Super excited. [Nikki catches my tone of voice and her happy smile transforms into a frown. “This is a big deal. I think you should at least be a little excited.” Nikki may be my best friend since I moved to Salem, but that didn’t mean we always saw eye to eye. And when that happened we usually had arguments like the one I felt coming on.

Wanting to take it as far away from my aunt as possible, I made my way up the stairs to my own kind of den in the attic. Sarah had told me I needed my own corner of the house and had it remodelled. An intercom was set up for communication, and it was maintained regularly especially after her health started to decline.] If you’re so excited about this thing, why don’t you come and enjoy the meal with him. I don’t see how this is a big deal. I mean it’s Jared. [Nikki quickly follows after me not saying a word, but as soon as we’re in the attic she shuts the door and glares at me. Apparently I’ve missed something very important. “Yes, Temp. It’s Jared. The guy who’s gonna be the most powerful member of our coven in a few years and he wants to be with you. Do you know how many people would kill to be with him?” I’m not sure but I swear she mutters the word literally after a brief pause. Of course that’s all Nikki would care about. In high school she was a popular kid, while I was more of the bookworm. I was considered hot, I guess. But that was only due to pushing and prodding by Nikki to dress up and such. If Jared liked anything about me it was all Nikki’s doing.] No, I don’t know. But I know it’s not me. Look I get it. Jared is gonna be a big deal in a few years, so being with him is a big deal. Just not to me. Hell I don’t even know if I want to stay in town after… Sarah.

[I regret my words instantly. Not just because I hadn’t planned on telling anyone I was thinking about leaving. But because thinking of Sarah being gone, being alone again in this world is too painful. The look in Nikki’s face is a mix of hurt and anger. She no doubt feels betrayed. “You’re gonna leave? Just like that? I thought we were family?” Her words bring back my earlier thoughts of my parents’ sacrifice. Nikki doesn’t give me the chance to speak as she gets angrier still. “We made a pact in middle school. A blood pact that we would always stick together.” I remember the moment well enough. Nikki was terrified of pricking her finger so we ate juicy strawberries and once our hands were covered in red liquid from them we pretended it was blood. Pointing that out to her would only make matters worse.] Yes, we did. And I wasn’t just gonna leave. Nothing is set in stone. I’ll probably stay here in the end. It was just a thought. [I reach my hands out for hers, hoping the connection will calm her down. All the while I knew I was lying to her. The thought of stay here in this empty house, haunted by ghosts, was unfathomable.

My words seem to placate her as she draws me over to the couch with our joined hands. “I get it. Jared has been acting like a douche the past few years, and everything with Aunt Sarah has been tough. But just try to enjoy tonight. Relax and see how things go with Jared. Don’t write him off just yet, okay? For me. I only want you to be happy.” Nikki’s copper eyes gazed into my beseeching me. Her hands holding mine tight remind me of Jared’s when he asked me out. Almost like they were trying to tether me to them somehow. This was something Nikki wasn’t going to let go of so easily, and whether I wanted it or not, Jared was already set to come over for the evening. Letting out a heavy sigh, I nodded my head slightly.] Fine. One night. For you. But if he’s just the same old ass tonight, that’s it. He can find someone else to try and impress. Okay? [Her head nods along with mine as Nikki’s earlier 100-watt smile finds her face again. And the excitement is back. Joy. “Deal. Now let’s go find you something amazing to wear.” With that I’m pulled off the couch and dragged to my bedroom. This would be a long afternoon.]

[“You’re gonna knock Jared’s socks off.” I turn back to face Nicole as she says those words. We’ve finally settled on a simple dress that isn’t too flash but shows off my curves. It wasn’t my first choice, that was baggy sweatpants. But then again Nikki’s first choice was something that looked like a prom dress. How she snuck that into my closet I’ll never know. In the end we got a little bit of what we both wanted. It was almost time for Jared to show up and despite myself I was feeling nervous. Not about impressing him, but about the whole night becoming some major disaster. I’d promise to give him a chance, yet I could shake the feeling that this whole thing was all wrong. I smiled softly as Nikki dragged me over to a chair to apply some light makeup. We’d agreed on this from the beginning. She was just putting the finishing touches on my hair when the doorbell rings. Quickly I hear the intercom crackle. “Tempe, I think someone’s at the door.” I press the button to speak.] Don’t worry Aunt Sarah I got it. I’ll be right down. [Nikki’s doing some weird mix of the happy dance that just makes it look like she has to pee.] Um, you should probably leave now… [She stops abruptly and looks at me like a deer caught in the headlights. “Oh my god you’re right, I’ll head out through the back door. I’m so excited for you. Just remember, you promised you’d try to enjoy the night.” I nod my head and start to push her out my bedroom door.] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I could forget after you drilled it into me all afternoon. Now go.

[Nikki gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before taking the back staircase to the kitchen, while I went down the front main one to the foyer. The doorbell ringing a few more times before I get to the front door. I can hear Aunt Sarah grumbling about the person needing to hold their horses and I can’t help but chuckle as I swing the door open to reveal Jared, wearing a pair of khaki slacks and a button up shirt covered by a nice sweater. My chuckle causing him to smile and already I know he’s gotten the wrong impression but I can’t just frown now. Nikki’s words are still tumbling around my head. Instead I decide to playfully scold him.] You know, this is a pretty big house. Next time wait five minutes before you ring the doorbell to death. Aunt Sarah can’t really hop up and open the door herself. [Jared’s face falls a bit as I continue to chuckle. Mission accomplished but I can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt for already going against my promise. I wave Jared in and he grabs some grocery bags off the porch just as he starts to walk inside.] The kitchen’s at the back of the hallway through that wooden door. I just need to check up on Sarah quickly and I’ll be right there. [“Sounds good.” And instead of heading down the hallway like I expected he leans over to kiss my cheek. “Before I forget to say it, you look gorgeous. I’ll see you in a bit.”

My entire body is frozen as he walks into the kitchen, and I don’t move until I hear Aunt Sarah. “Well that was interesting.” I turn to see her attention focused on me. He’d done that in full view of her chair. Her eyes narrow slightly in concern. “Should I be worried about this dinner?” My hand automatically lifts up to wave her off.] No, Aunt Sarah, I’ve got it all under control. You watch the rest of your shows, while Jared cooks. I’ll come get you when dinner’s ready. [She gives me a soft smile as I twirl around and head toward the kitchen. Opening the door, I spot Jared already in front of the stove. My large skillet on top of a lit burner with three steaks in it. He turns to smile at me. “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.” Chuckling, he turns back to focus on the steaks allowing me a moment to roll my eyes. This promise was going to be hard to keep.] Do you need any help with anything? [His hand extends out to point to the bag of food he brought. “This might be cheating, but my mom sent me with some of her amazing garlic roasted mashed potatoes. Those just need to be reheated up in serving bowl.” As he’s talking, I walk over to the bag he pointed to and pulled out the container of potatoes, already knowing which bowl I’d heat them up in, but wanting to wait until the steaks were closer to being done, I sit the container and bowl by the microwave before turning back to Jared.] Anything else? I feel kinda useless just standing around here.

[This causes Jared to chuckle and I have to stop myself from scowling as he smiles at me. “Relax, remember I’m the one that offered to come over and cook you a dinner. Not to have you cook for me. So sit.” Nodding to the chairs by the kitchen island, he flipped the steaks over. I slid into the one that gave me the best view of what he was doing, watching as he started another burner and placed another skillet over it. This time filling it with asparagus and tomatoes. Jared’s focus solely on the food in front of him. Most would have been annoyed by this, wanting to have conversation fill the silence, but I welcomed it. The silence meant less time that I had to try and seem interested in this whole ‘date.’ Minutes passed before it looked like Jared was almost done with the food. Quickly, I scooped the potatoes into the serving bowl, microwaving it just in time to be done as Jared started plating the food from the pans. One hot pad under the bowl, I brought it over to the island where Jared stood next to the plates. His hand sliding under mine as he tried to take the mashed potatoes from me. My eyes glancing up to meet his. It was like he was expecting something to happen from this moment. Maybe a spark or some feeling of connection. But I felt nothing. Except his hand warm from working over the stove as mine slipped out from underneath the bowl.

I swallowed nervously as I stepped back.] Um… I’ll go tell Aunt Sarah that’s dinner is ready and then grab some drinks if you wanna go ahead and bring the plates into the dining room. [Not even waiting for a reply, I head back down the hallway and stick my head into talk to Sarah. She nods as she slowly stands up from her seat. Once I know she doesn’t need any help, I quickly walk back into the kitchen, which is now empty, to grab a few glasses and a pitcher of lemonade. It was Sarah’s favorite and all we really had around the house besides water. I made my way into the dining room to see Sarah already seated in her chair, plate in front of her, and Jared at her left side with his own. Mine was placed to her right, and I easily slipped into my seat after setting down the glasses and pitcher. Jared’s hand reached out to pour some lemonade for Sarah and though I could see her smile, I knew it was her polite smile. It reminded me much of my own. She was as much trapped here in this awkward dinner as I was. The meal wasn’t a big production. There was simple conversation in between bites. Sarah chipping in to help me out of uncomfortable moments when I’d decided to just take a bite of food instead of lying my ass off.

By the time dinner was over, I could tell Sarah was ready to head up for bed and that meant I would be left with Jared. The idea to say goodnight to Jared in order to help Sarah upstairs was quickly squashed as she stood up from her chair, thanked Jared for the delicious food and then excused herself for the night. It took everything in me not to mutter out a curse or two. Jared seemed pleased with this development, and instead of staying around to see what he’d say next, I picked up all the plates, taking them into the kitchen to clean. Of course, Jared followed with the pitcher and dirty glasses. Setting them next to me, he reached his hand into the sink to stop me as I washed off the food residue. “Is it really that hard to be around me?” I want to say that his words came out hurt, but one look in his eyes and I knew he was only trying to pull sympathy from me. Wanted me to feel guilty for wanting this date to end. I mentally asked Nikki to forgive me before I spoke, pulling my hand from his grasp.] It is when I feel forced to be in your company. I don’t know what it is you think that’s gonna happen between us Jared, but it’s not. I’m sorry. It really was a delicious dinner, but if you don’t mind, I’d just like to clean up and head to bed along with Aunt Sarah.

[His jaw tightens and I can tell that’s not what he was expecting. Served Jared right for assuming he knew me and what I wanted. Turning back to the dishes, I continued to rinse them off before sticking them in the dishwasher, waiting for Jared to leave, but he just stood there watching me. Once I was finished, my gaze turned back to him. Something in his eyes sent a chill through my body and I knew things could go badly from here. “Why Tempest? Why must you play hard to get with me?” I scoff and walk past him to the foyer.] It isn’t hard to get. It’s never gonna get… like ever. You want to know why. It’s cause of moments like this where you just assume that I’m yours already. That us, being together, is a foregone conclusion. I don’t know what fucked up idea you have about relationships, but this isn’t how they work. We both have to feel something, and I can honestly say that I feel nothing for you but annoyance so would you please just leave? [I punctuated the end of my speech, by opening the door wide. My hand gesturing him out as he stood in front of me.

Whatever happy demeanor he had earlier was now gone and replaced with anger. “What do I have to do to win you over?” Sighing heavily, I shook my head] That’s just it, Jared. You can’t. Now. Leave. [A subtle gust picked up in the hallway and pushed Jared forward a bit until I could physically push him out of the house, shutting the door behind him as he exited. Sighing heavily, I fall backward on the now locked door.] Fuck! Well that went lovely. [Gently hitting my head against the door repeatedly as I cursed a few more times before heading up to my bed. I’d worry about the repercussions of tonight when I woke up. No doubt, I’d have quite a few texts from Nikki before the sun even rose.]

#DeadInTheWater #WitchyWarrenSL #WaywardTempest

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