[There was something about being able to look up into the night sky and see all the stars shining down on me that somehow brought me some semblance of peace… or at least it did until I felt two bodies lay down on the grass on either side of me. Dahlia and Reba. My saving graces lately. Even without touching me, I can feel their loving presence enclose me and it almost brings me to tears so much that I have to close my eyes for a moment to get a hold of the turbulent emotions swirling inside of me. When I had woken up the next morning in Dahlia’s house, Reba was already there, set to take me by my parents’ house and then drive me to Alabama. No questions asked… Although she did talk to me a little about things in the care. It was just part of her nature and she never pressured me to talk from the moment I first saw her sitting by the bed. Luckily Dahlia had been able to assure that my parents wouldn’t be home while I gathered my belongings by taking them out to brunch with Jasper and the kids. It was easy enough to explain that I had gone to the beach house earlier than planned now that the engagement party was over. No one needed to know Reba was there with me for the week or the reason for my hasty retreat to the sanctuary I’d made for myself. Dahlia was set to come for the weekend, pretending to bring Reba for a girls’ trip before bringing her back home, leaving me to figure out what the hell I would do moving forward. Thankfully it wasn’t hard to get an appointment with a local doctor that same week. While I didn’t doubt the test Dahlia got me was right, I still needed to hear it confirmed by a medical professional. It wouldn’t feel real otherwise and for most of the week I had felt like I was moving around in a fog waiting for that moment, for things to sink in. Without any sound but that of the nature around us, we laid there and looked up at the stars for who knows how long until finally Dahlia spoke up. “So… I honestly don’t even know where to begin.” That was saying a lot from the woman I’d come to see as a big sister who always knew how to help me through tough emotional stuff. I didn’t realize just how much I’d relied on her though, but now I couldn’t imagine myself going through all of this without her. Since the night of Wendy and Jonah’s engagement party, she’d given me equal parts space and guidance. Her and Reba, who as a counselor seemed to have a better idea of where to start. “Do you know who the father is?” A small fit of laughter bubbles up my chest and escapes as I process the question. It should be so simple to answer and I never imagined needing to be asked such a question. Yet here I was, under the stars on a breezy, yet still decent night with my de facto sisters talking about the father of my unborn, out-of-wedlock child. My hands, already resting on my stomach, press down slightly as my fingers splay open as if to somehow try and feel the child I just learned was growing inside of me. It was a logical question to ask. Who was the father of my child.] Well it could be the bartender I met in Arizona, or this mechanic who helped me fix my car on the way up the west coast, or there was a hiker in Oregon who I hung out with a few times… [My eyes stay glued on the stars above me, but out of the corner of them I can see Dahlia’s head turn to give me a bit of an incredulous look while Reba stays in place, unfazed. No doubt thanks to her professional training. I didn’t want to talk about the father of my child or even think about him. Not right now, not while I was still trying to process the simple fact that I was going to have a child. There was always no doubt in my mind that I would be a mother one day. Even for my more tomboy ways, I was still a mother hen with my friends and family as my brothers well knew. But this was so far from how things were supposed to go. Life was just starting to make sense and get on track for me. “I thought you hadn’t been with anyone before you left. Are you saying you’ve been with three guys in the last few months?” Dahlia’s tone is incredulous and, whether she meant it to be or not, a tad judgemental. This, more than my own words, gets Reba to react as her hand closest to me reaches out and lightly rests on top of my arm. The action seems to make Dahlia notice just how her words came out and she repeats the action on my other side, while I try not to let her words mess with my overwhelmed emotions. Guess it wasn’t a good idea to give them such a flippant answer. They weren’t my brothers, and this wasn’t any old conversation. “Want to tell us what happened while you were out on the road?” Reba asks trying to redirect us back on the right track. My eyes close tightly as I picture him and a few tears escape from beneath my eyelids, remembering our time together.] Obviously it wasn’t planned or anything. Not meeting him, not sleeping with him, and definitely not this. [I move my hands over my stomach to clearly indicate what I’m talking about. “So it was one guy?” Dahlia’s voice this time is softer, more the understanding sister I’ve come to know and love.] Yes, but he was all of those things. We met while on a trip to the Havasupai Indian Reservation in the Grand Canyon. There was a group of travelling bloggers and such who had put it together and that’s how we were introduced. We all flew into the village via helicopter to save us a long trek in and out of the area, and once we arrived everybody seemed to split up into little groups. At first it was me, him and the people who invited both of us to join the trip. But after a few hours, he and I had set off on our own to the first waterfall and for the next few days we trekked up and down Havasu Creek stopping at each of the waterfalls along the way and setting up camp when night fell. [“What’s his name?” Reba interrupts me and while it would have sounded more inquisitive from Dahlia, coming from Reba I know she asked it more to confront the truth of my situation.] Pedro. [My voice so soft and low when I force myself to say his name, but only his first name. Last thing we needed was my brothers to get wind of who he was and go searching him out. Behind my eyes that remained shut, it’s easy to envision his smiling, laughing face. His scraggly beard never filling in fully no matter how many days he might go without shaving. His broad shoulders and tall, muscular physique that somehow hardened and softened depending on the situation. Or how he’d speak like any other American until he was either drunk, excited or simply talking about home and let his Hispanic accent slip through. More tears fall and I wonder if he’d want to know and I have to shake my head when I remember why he was on the road himself. Clearing my throat, I go back to telling Dahlia and Reba about my time with him.] He was also a blogger, well he’s technically an author who wrote a couple of great books that sold well and now allow him to basically travel around anywhere doing whatever he wants. He even has an RV camper that he lives out of when he’s not driving around. After that first trip, we kept running into each other. Some times planned, some times not. He was the one who suggested that I’d like to see the Pacific Northwest and drove up with me when my car broke down after San Francisco. [Both Reba and Dahlia’s hands tighten on my own as my voice hitches slightly. However, I have to laugh to release the tension that is building up in my chest. My eyes opening back up as I turn my head towards Dahlia.] You know how all my brothers were worried that it would happen to me when I was in the middle of nowhere with no one to help me and them all so far away. But he was there, and because he has to deal with his RV so much, he knew what was wrong and how to fix it. I didn’t even have to worry about telling anybody about it afterwards. Then I got that place outside of Portland and I’d occasionally go on trips with him when he was in the area, but I knew that it would never be anything serious. [I tilt my head back towards the twinkling stars and take a calming breath, willing myself not to get emotional as I tell the next part.] Before we ever… did anything, he and I talked about a lot of things. He’s older than me… or either of you. [Dahlia tries hard to keep from gasping while Reba calming asks, “Is he a lot older than us?” Her diplomatic way of asking me Pedro’s age has me laughing as I can only imagine what they are picturing in their heads.] He’s not old enough to be my father, that’s for damn sure. He’ll be 45 on his next birthday, so not much older than y’all and my older brothers. But that meant that he knew what he wanted out of his life and was interested in me just starting to really find what I wanted out of mine. However, if the RV and travelling lifestyle hasn’t given it away yet, settling down and having a family wasn’t really on his to-do list. He was very upfront about it and I understood. While I connected with him like I had never done with anyone else before, I never imagined that this would happen. Honestly, I’m still not sure how this happened as I was pretty damn careful. But none of that matters, because I know this isn’t something he wants. So why bring this into his life and complicate things… [My voice trails off and I wonder yet again if he’d really want to know despite his saying he wasn’t looking to be tied to anyone other than the family he already had. “What about you?” Dahlia follows up Reba’s question with her own words. “Is this something that you want, Emma Jean? Because while I know your parents and brothers might not agree if you decide otherwise, this is your life, not theirs and you are free to do whatever you want moving forward.” The fierce protectiveness in her voice means more to me and was something I needed to hear more than I realized. Coming from a very religious family, more so with my parents than my brothers, the idea alone of telling them that I was pregnant was bad enough that I didn’t even want to think about any of my options or any discussion about them I might have with my family. Especially my mother and father. Picking up on the rising tension, Reba’s calming voice once again draws me back to the present. “There are different ways you can proceed from here, but what you need to remember is that we will always be here for you and will help you out any way that we can. I know a few different programs and such if you might want to go the adoption route.” “And you don’t have to talk about this with anyone you don’t want to until you are ready.” That alone assured me that neither Reba or Dahlia would tell my brothers what was going on with me. I didn’t have that assurance with Wendy. A part of me feeling horrible for not feeling like I could trust my childhood best friend with this, but she hadn’t felt like my best friend in so long that she had instead become Jonah’s future wife in my mind. And while Dahlia was Jasper’s wife and Reba would one day soon be Jackson’s, I didn’t have a complicated history with either of them. Another bubble of laughter bursts forth as I admit to myself that it didn’t matter who I had a complicated history with at this point, but rather I should be focusing on what I was going to do. With a nod, I let my body settle and look at both Dahlia and Reba. My hands turn over to grip theirs in an affectionate squeeze.] Thank you for both being here with me, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to just lay here under the stars for a little while longer. [“Of course.” Reba says without hesitation as she slowly sits up, pulling her hand back. Dahlia nods in agreement and sits up as well but not before pressing a soft kiss at my temple like I’ve seen her do with her own children. And then they’re gone back into the beach house as my gaze takes in all the stars above me, reminding me of my time under them with Pedro. How that first time with him had been so unexpected and amazing and precious to me. A part of me had doubted I would ever find someone interested enough in me to have that happen even once, let alone repeatedly with someone who clearly knew what they were doing. My heart rate picking up slightly at the memories of and with him, especially when we were out on one of our journeys under the stars. Was one of those times when we created the little one who had thrown everything in my life off course? Was he under the stars right now, camping out somewhere, writing for his travel blog or his next novel? For a brief moment, I questioned whether or not he was missing me before shaking my head and closing my eyes. When we parted ways, it was with the idea that we’d most likely see each other again once I was back out on the road so I knew he was more focused on his own journey until our paths crossed once more. That was all in the air now as who knew when, if ever, I’d travel again like I had with him. Under the stars without any cares beyond our current adventure. Quickly, I shut my eyes, unable to look at the stars anymore and what they symbolized to me now. Would I ever be able to see them without thinking of him again or what had come from our time together? Instead, I focus on the image I saw earlier in the day on the sonogram and the heartbeat that froze me and seemed to roar into my ears until I heard the doctor point out just how small my baby was. ‘No bigger than a sweet pea.’ Making this more real than when it’d been joked about it with Reba on the car ride from New Orleans.] I really don’t know what I’m doing here, Sweet Pea. [With a shaky breath, my body rolled over onto my knees to turn my back on the sky as my hands came up to rub my eyes and wipe away the remnants of any tears I shed. Then once I felt as composed as I was likely to get, I stood up and headed inside to try and figure out what my next step forward was going to be.]
