people watching.

gwyn's archive. 18. in a perpetual state of writer's block.

[gwynethdianne]

What Do You Know About Yearning?

Cait was never allowed to want things like that.

“God created man for a woman, and God created woman for a man.”

The sunlight on her face. The mischief in her eyes. The euphoria in her voice. The electricity in her touch. Her calloused, soft hands on mine.

“Cait! It’s so nice to see you again.” But somehow, it kept on spiraling back to her brown eyes all over again.

Vi, short for Violet. Auburn-haired, hard-headed, and reckless. She stood in front of Cait, almost unfamiliar, with her hair cropped short and arms vandalized with tattoos. Yet, Cait still saw them running around empty corridors and sharing endless stories after class. Vi was gentle touches and secret hand-holding, with that look in her eyes that Cait never looked for any boy in her life.

“In the Sacrament of Matrimony, only a man and a woman are united into one flesh under a sacred covenant with God.”

Vi was a reminder of what she had lost and what she’d continue to lose.

“You know, it’s funny how we only ran into each other now after so long. I was actually hoping to see you when I moved back here. We didn’t exactly have a proper goodbye.” God, it was almost like the universe was pulling a cosmic joke on her.

How could Cait ever admit that she was the reason why their friendship fell apart?

Cait remembered it all too well; how they lost contact after middle school, how she ignored Vi’s stares and attempts at small talk before graduation, and how their falling out was her entire fault.

Vi, who liked to punch the boys in their class but was always tender with Cait. Vi, who always listened to her stories and showed her the best spots around their school. Vi, who held her hand when she was nervous and gave her the biggest hug when she got her first big school award. Vi, who only put her arm around Cait’s shoulder, not knowing that her wood sage scent and her electrifying touch sent Cait on an emotional breakdown of conflicting feelings and beliefs.

Vi, who Cait had and then lost because she concluded that she wasn’t allowed to want things like that.

She wasn’t allowed to want her like that.

How could she ever tell Vi that that one moment of intimacy between the two of them sent her heart spiraling to the skies until it fell down into dread?

What are you so afraid of, Cait?

“Though we support our homosexual brothers and sisters, we have to remember that homosexual acts are still against the teachings in the Bible.”

“This might sound weird, but you were my first love.” But Vi, who was now sitting across from her with a hot cup of coffee in her hands, still looked at her with the same wonder and awe in her eyes as when they were twelve and sharing stories.

She felt it again, the electricity in her veins and her heart soaring inside her chest. But she also felt the same fear pooling in her mind, telling her, “No. No. No. Don’t give in.”

“First love? Me? But… I’m a girl.” So, the rehearsed script came out of her mouth.

Vi’s face fell, but she still put on a small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Well, you don’t force yourself to fall in love, Cait. It’s supposed to come to you naturally. You just look at that person, and it instantly clicks in your head. Girl or not. And for me, it was you.”

What did Cait know about yearning, anyway? She could recognize the look of love or admiration from all the boys she’d dated before, but it never made her feel anything as strong as this.

Vi’s eyes looking at her made Cait want to claw herself out of her own body. If she could put a name on that look in those familiar brown eyes, she knew it could only mean one thing.

And it scared her.

Vi softly laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to try anything. I know you’re straight and all that.”

“I also have homosexual friends, but they’re good because they don’t give in to the sinful temptation of homosexual activity.”

Why was it so terrifying to go against everything you’ve been conditioned to believe in?

But why should she be scared of the good things?

Cait was never as courageous as Vi. She was afraid of the possibility, afraid of the truth, and afraid of the only real thing she’s ever felt. She had severed her connection with Vi before, buried herself in denial, and held other boys’ hands, wishing they were hers instead. She had read romance novels, fantasized about a husband, and obsessed over cute guys like other girls. Still, in the depths of her mind, she dreamed of Vi’s crooked teeth, messy hair, soft smile, playful smirk, and gentle touch that were always reserved for her. In denial, nonetheless.

“You will find love when you find him.”

But Vi was here now. Right in front of her with crooked teeth, soft smiles, and everything she ever wanted.

If Cait could ever begin to think about wanting something more than what she was supposed to want from Vi, from a girl, would it be alright? Would God still love her? Would she still go to heaven? Would all her Sunday masses and nightly prayers go to waste if she chooses to follow love?

“How about you, Cait? Do you have a first love?” Wanting. Yearning. Loving.

What was so wrong with loving her?

Vi stared at her so intensely with an unreadable look on her face. Cait received it. “Maybe.”

If it was wrong, why did it feel right?

“Being gay is a sin. You will go to hell for liking a girl.”

Then, it clicked.

Cait only realized one thing at that moment: If loving Vi would make her a sinner, she’d gladly go to hell.

[gwynethdianne]

​​The sun is hiding.

I only see clouds heavenward, most of them silver and gray, a sign of incoming rain and thunderstorm. I gaze further up the sky—ah, I already see droplets of rain falling down. I have always loved the rain.

I feel myself smile. It is only early in the morning, but I sense that today will be a perfect day.

“I hope for fog today,” I hear someone suddenly speak beside me. I glance over my shoulder and see my older sister, Kai. We have the same green eyes, but she is the prettier one. But that does not matter. We are born to be beautiful—majestic, as those who live above us prefer to describe us. Besides, I am stronger than her. Whatever we lack, we make up in another aspect.

“I agree. It makes things easier,” I reply. She stares at me in the eyes, not saying a word. I know she knows exactly what I mean. Our other sister Mar’s gaunt eyes as she lay on an abandoned seashore still haunt me as I wake. “Be careful,” I told her as she went that day. Little did I know, she would never come home ever again.

Suddenly, my ears detect what sounds like a plop in the water and muffled voices from above. Perfect. I gesture for Kai to follow behind me. I am the faster one out of the two of us, and should anything wrong happen, we would dare not repeat what happened to Mar.

With calculated movements, we slowly swim near the voices. Close, but not too close. Just the perfect distance for the unsuspecting to delude themselves that a drowning, hapless woman is seeking for help in the dangerous waters.

I examine the men standing on the wooden boat. There are two of them; one holding a net and one preparing what looked like a bucket. Perfect indeed. One for me and one for Kai. I assume they are fishermen out on an early morning’s work. It is unfortunate that they are unaware of what is coming for them, but I do not feel any pity. Not for any human, anyway.

Then, I open my mouth to sing. “Let the morning come to me, let the spirit of the ocean guide me.” Human legends talk about many dangerous creatures lurking around. I have heard some of them, some I have even met in my lifetime.

I see the two men on the boat stop what they are doing. “You sailors of the east, hear ye, hear my plead.” Humans tell their children to be careful of things that they cannot understand. But what these humans do not know is that they should be more afraid of themselves.

There is so much more noise now from the boat. I see the sailors scramble to look for the voice. Kai and I take it as our cue to slowly rise from the water, careful not to reveal ourselves. The light fog helps to hide better, but we make sure that they can see our figures—from our long, wet hair, toned torso, and plump breasts. The sailors on the boat are completely still. I can see that their eyes are in a haze, as if entranced. I give them my most beautiful smile, baring my pointed teeth in the open.

“If God permits the deed, do not lament and weep.” Kai and I sing in unison. I move closer to one of the sailors on the boat while Kai swims to the other. He looks young, possibly not over 16. I have had my fair share of 16-year-olds, none of them as striking as this young boy, though. I know he is staring at me, and I do not break eye contact. I swim further up and raise my hand to touch his chin. He follows my touch.

Humans think of themselves as gods, only because they rule the mountains and lands. They are mistaken. They have no idea of the bigger things that lie underneath the waters that surround them. What kind of god bends to the whims of a siren’s voice, anyway?

"For the same eyes you see today, you will never again see.”

I move my mouth closer to the young boy’s ear and whisper, "You are mine.”

I feel him freeze, and I pull his entire body into the deep waters.

Humans say to be careful of the beautiful, singing creatures underwater.

They say that these creatures lure you in with their hauntingly beautiful voices and songs and kiss you until your lungs collapse.

Frankly, I have to agree with them.

It is all in a morning’s work.

[gwynethdianne]

Character Profile: Maureen

Her name is Maureen.

When she steps on the stage, the world falls away.

Maureen Vicencio is a third-year Theater Arts major at Ateneo de Manila University. She stands at 5’5 with long, brown hair that she contemplates dyeing pink. When you see her, your first impression is her beautiful, dimpled smile and your lasting impression is her contagious laugh.

“Laging may dalang kuwento,” that is what her friends say about her. She is considered as the “madaldal” or talkative one in her friend group, because of her endless embarrassing stories and frequent complaints about her “pabuhat” groupmates. “Sino ba naman kasing gagawa ng props na mag-isa lang?” She says.

She is not a studious student on paper, but she is never lazy on stage. In her own words, “Saks lang. I’m that student who’s chill sa class, pero not that chill backstage.” She underestimates herself sometimes, especially when she’s performing.

Maureen prefers going on lunch dates rather than going to parties around Katipunan. Also, she doesn’t like coffee and prefers getting milk tea instead.

Also, she might have a little crush on the star player and captain of the ADMU Women’s Basketball Team.

[gwynethdianne]

Character Profile: Seth

Call her Seth.

The court is her home. Both of them.

Many people get confused with her name and appearance, but her name is Seth Alvarez. She is a second-year Legal Management major at Ateneo de Manila University. She stands at 5'9 with long hair that she recently dyed light brown. If you ask her why she was named Seth, she will probably tell you, “I guess my parents thought I’d be a boy? I got the liking girls part though.” Yes, she is also out and proud.

Aside from being a meticulous Legal Management student, Seth is also the famous star player and captain of the ADMU Women’s Basketball Team. So, she is both a top student and a student-athlete rolled into one omelette, by choice and by pressure. She wants to pursue basketball professionally, but her parents wanted her to take law as a backup plan.

Needless to say, juggling a hard course and a hard sport is not easy. So, she is not the kind of person to engage in serious relationships, giving her the title of “Single pero laging may ka-walang label.” She reasons it with her busyness in academics and training for basketball.

But, she’s been eyeing the third-year Theater Arts girl with the pretty smile who performed at one of their school events. She likes her voice.

[gwynethdianne]

Character Profile: Akiko

She’s Akiko.

They have known each other for so long they are practically siblings, but there is a secret she never dares to tell.

Akiko has been Maureen’s best friend since they were children. They live on the same street back in their hometown (they both moved into dorms) and their parents are best friends. She is currently a second-year Architecture major at the University of the Philippines.

Akiko is usually quiet and reserved, but her real smile comes out when she is around Maureen. She stands at 5'3 with short, dyed blonde hair and she hates it when she is teased for her height. Maureen teases her anyway.

When she is not busy cramming her plates, she usually finds herself writing songs and playing with her pet cat, Lilo. Recently, she has been writing about longing and a familiar, dimpled smile.

Akiko likes teasing Maureen over her little crushes, but she will never tell her that it breaks her heart every single time. Out of all the people in the world, why did she fall in love with her own best friend?

[gwynethdianne]

The Never-ending Battle of Good and Evil

Her thoughts unleash hell from within;

a volcano spewing fumes of evil.

It wreaks madness and havoc upon the lands,

corrupting all ye poor and unfortunate souls.

Her words poison the depths of the mind;

gnawing flesh and spitting gore everywhere.

Turn away! For what a nasty sight is she,

as she turns into wicked herself.

But take pity for once, dear hero of this story,

for the villain you fight was once beautiful too.

With a voice like honey and a smile so infectious,

oh, you, too, would have fallen in love with her.

Her thoughts were once kind.

Her words held no ounce of malice.

But oh, once you pollute innocence,

no amount of good can decontaminate them.

Ruined.

Ruined.

Ruined.

Ruined.

Forever.

Perhaps there is no redemption

for such an irredeemable creature.

Do not be fooled by her past nature,

yet do not forget, dear hero,

some monsters are forged by tragedy.

[gwynethdianne]

food.

You’re so attractive; it’s insane how I let your sweet body take control of me. But I can only let myself take one bite of temptation.

[gwynethdianne]

nature.

The tranquil ocean kisses the rugged shore goodbye, and she wonders how many trips around the world will it take to kiss her again.

[gwynethdianne]

family.

Photographs only take us back in time, to a moment where everything perfectly aligns. Perhaps we can still hear the crowded streets of Japan and remember how we smiled.

[gwynethdianne]

My memory snapshot shows two angry figures looming over one small, equally broken figure. Their voices compete with the loud pitter-patter of the rain.

They are screaming.

They are crying.

They are hurting.