I'm in a dark place, friends: When I try to start working out again

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
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@gymsfornormals
I'm in a dark place, friends: When I try to start working out again
What we look feel when we Zumba, what we really look like
This will apply to me especially since I've fallen off the wagon and haven't exercised since November. HELP!
AMAZING DEAL!!!! $2.40 a class at Buddha B
Trying to do ab exercises at the gym
Other people:
Me:
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Groupon for Stroga in Adams Morgan! $39 for 10 classes BAM!!!
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I never learn
Gym: Sport & Health Ballston
Address: 4238 Wilson Blvd # 3018 Arlington, VA 22203
Class: Pilates XPress
The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like a close talker
The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Slightly awkward
On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.
Here’s the deal: Free Seven-Day Pass
I don’t know why I seem to forget past experiences when contemplating them would prove useful, but I’ve done it again. I seem to forget that every time I try to cut corners, I pay for it in the end. In college I hated organic chemistry (duh), so I tried to get orgo 2 over with via a four-week summer course so that I didn’t have to face it for a full semester. This resulted in me facing it for a full semester plus a summer. A big fat D in orgo on steroids meant I was taking it twice.
It would have been smart to reflect on that experience before I attended Pilates Xpress, a mat class crunched into 30 minutes. Because the class is half as long as usual, I thought it would be half as hard. Instead, the class is just done in double time. I have never had to do so many reps in pilates as in Pilates Xpress. On the bright side, by only 6 PM I already felt like my ass had been handed to me at the gym and I could go eat a meatball sub, which I did.
Pilates Xpress was a good workout, and against my better judgment I’d probably do it again. Next time I’ll probably act less awkward, though. I walked in and the mats were all facing horizontally (AKA the opposite of what is normal), and it threw me off. Without knowing it, I had put my mat DIRECTLY in front of the teacher’s, so that we were basically having a starring contest throughout the whole class. I felt particularly weird about this when I realized that this was one of the classes where the attendees all come every week and know each other. So, it’s a good thing I showed up new and went straight for the center of the room.
I got a lot out of the class, but I found the teacher a little off. I know I really have no authority to critique people’s form in pilates, but every time the teacher went into plank her butt seemed to be way up in their air. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure planks are flat. So that was weird. But regardless, her verbal instructions were helpful, and for the first time ever I found myself profusely sweating in a pilates class.
There are also many pluses to attending classes at Sport and Health Ballston, which is connected to the Ballston “Mall.” These pluses include Panera, Noodles and Company, a food court, and Cold Stone, where you can get a “Gotta Have It-”sized lard with sprinkles on top once you’re done at the gym. To quote Michael Scott, this is a “win-win-win.”
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Amazon Deal! $39 for one month at the Energy Club in Shirlington. I've had some good times there and you will too!
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Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica
Gym: Sport & Health Skyline
Address: 5115 Leesburg Pike Falls Church, VA 22041
Class: Pilates Mat
The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Home (in suburban Michigan)
The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Young and flexible
On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 3. It was a decent workout.
Here’s the deal: Free Seven-Day Pass
First and foremost, if you go to Sport & Health Skyline, you are DIRECTLY CONNECTED to a Target. There is a magic, secret stairway that takes you out of the gym’s parking garage and teleports you directly in front of the discount land of your dreams. It’s like being placed directly in front of the gates of heaven, except this heaven takes coupons. That is already enough information to prove that Sport & Health Skyline is the ultimate in fitness facilities, but I’ll continue.
Inside Sport & Health, the suburban bliss continues. The teacher took me right back to Metro Detroit, where fitness teachers are all in their late forties with short, stylish mom do’s. The classmates were also on the older side, with no trendy yoga tops in sight. Au contraire, at one point I looked back and noticed that we were joined by the one and only Dwight Schrute. With coke bottle glasses in full effect, I saw the assistant to the regional manager working on his fitness, legs and arms flailing about with motions significantly more rambunctious than recommended by Joe P. (Be sure to check out the last image- that’s the money shot.) In typical Dwight Schrute fashion, he exited class by recommending that everyone stay up until midnight to make it to the first showing of the Hunger Games. (I know half of you would have done that too, but whatever.)
Like always, I fully enjoyed doing pilates, the one type of exercise that I can say with a straight face I truly love. But if you’ve ever had your ass kicked by pilates, you weren’t at Sport & Health Skyline. This pilates class was definitely among the easiest I’ve been to. It wasn’t that the moves were necessarily easy (at least not most of them), but the number of reps we did was on the very low side. Given that I fell off the consistent pilates wagon a while ago, I definitely still think I got something out of it, but I’m pretty sure Joe P would be less than proud.
The Skyline pilates experience overall was a pleasant one, though. It was a little awkward when booming Euro techno and then Ke$sha from the next room were drowning out the teacher’s new age whisper music, but once that ear explosion was over I felt calm and relaxed. Like the other Sport & Health location I’ve been to, the class wasn’t crowded and the room was spacious. And in conclusion, in case you forgot, this gym is connected to a Target.
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Seriously, yo.
Sashay! Shantay!
Gym: Sport and Health Arlington
Address: 1122 Kirkwood Road Arlington, VA 22201
Class: Club Cardio
The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like dancing to some Debbie Gibson.
The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Young and in need of a helmet.
On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 4. I felt the burn.
Here’s the deal: Free Seven-Day Pass
After all this time doing exercise classes, I finally attended the classic. It was called “Club Cardio,” but at the start the teacher clarified that it was truly “old school aerobics.” For some reason this made me feel awesome. 20-somethings in the late 80s were the coolest. They had big hair and everything neon, and by doing aerobics I felt like I had my own little window into being that rad.
And I’m guessing 20-somethings in the 80s were fitter than we are now, because aerobics is significantly harder than our modern-day Zumbing. It’s a serious workout that can involve serious passion. The Club Cardio teacher at Sport and Health Arlington is deeply passionate about aerobics. She could barely contain her excitement, or her desire for us to become the most accurate grapeviners ever. If it were up to her, we’d go pro.
Her dedication I appreciated, but sometimes I thought she could layoff a little on the commands. She drove home that it was CRITICAL that everyone always be on the exact same foot. Unfortunately, her demands were far from met. Next to me was the most woefully uncoordinated woman ever. She was about 60 years old and was literally moving in the wrong direction every second. I tried but unfortunately failed at hiding my annoyance as I spent 50 percent of my time awkwardly trying to aerobic dance myself away from her to avoid becoming a crash test dummy. I understand that it wasn’t always easy to follow along, particularly since our deeply passionate teacher sometimes ventured off into her own improv aerobics moves that she instructed us NOT to follow (um, you’re teaching a synchronized group exercise class), but this lady was out of control.
What this class managed to do perfectly, however, was bring back the positives of jazz at the Oakland School of Dance circa 1989, without any of the negatives. The pivots were fun and sassy like Wilson Phillips’ and I did more sashays than RuPaul at a dance-off. I am living in the wrong time, because I happen to think that these moves are way cooler than Zumba. Awkward.
Sport and Health Arlington is also just a pretty great place overall. For one, they have motivational posters EVERYWHERE. And believe it or not, their BOLD FONTS and inspirational photographs work. I should get one for my office. The gym is also full of old people and tall, straight guys. My kind of crowd. And finally, and absolutely most important of all, this place is NOT CROWDED. That is gym heaven in this town of 40-person kickboxing classes where every punch is a lawsuit waiting to happen. There were only eight people in Club Cardio, and as long as you avoid Wrong-Direction Debbie, you should have ample space to get your fitness on at Sport and Health.
VIDA DEAL! Get your discounted fancy via Recoup, the deal site that allows you to get a bargain and give to a great cause at the same time.
To Hell and Back
Gym: The Studio DC- Dupont
Address: 1710 Connecticut Ave NW
Washington, DC 20009
Class: (HOT) Power Yoga
The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Baffled
The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Like you’re being sucked into a cult
On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 5. Bring the stretcher. Immediately.
Here’s the deal: Namaste Day! Once a month, Saturday classes are free all day. Check www.thestudiodc.com for details.
Hot Power Yoga at the Studio DC was the hardest class I’ve ever been to. Period. The second I walked in I could tell that these people meant business, and that I had no business being there. I also realized I was about to die, because I didn’t know beforehand that I had signed up for HOT yoga. I was in way over my head.
But luckily, everyone who works at the Studio is really nice. The way our interactions went is how I hope things go if aliens from another planet land a UFO in my backyard. Just because the folks at Studio DC might be from Mars doesn’t mean I don’t respect them or greatly admire their impressive talents. Hot Power Yoga, which I was told is the hardest class they offer, is taught by a tall, skinny gentleman with long hair and a mustache. He was dressed in a midriff-bearing top and some brown leather necklaces. I wish I was making this stuff up.
As the class started I felt okay. I’ve done yoga before, I can do this. One by one the army of toned sexy gays in the class took off their shirts, and the girl in front of me (whose yoga mat was personalized with her initials- must be the new thing at L.L. Bean) stripped down to her sports bra. I was not about to be showing off my belly in front of these extreme fitness freaks, so clothed I stayed, with sweat everywhere, including in my eyeballs, where it created a nice consistent sting.
Things started out okay, but then just got crazy. This class moves fast, the positions are incredibly challenging, and the temperature dial is set to “hell” in a sunny room that is absolutely packed with bodies. The teacher told us to be proud of our muscles shaking because it means they’re working. He told us to keep pushing unless our bodies tell us no. In these excruciating conditions, my body had lost its ability to speak, so I didn’t know if it was telling me to smack the butt of the hottie next to me or to leave immediately before I entered into a coma.
Eventually I realized that I was in urgent need of water, so I got up to grab my bottle. As I weaved my way through the sea of half-naked fitness freaks, my head was spinning and my breath was shallow. Instead of heading back to my mat, I walked straight out of there for fear of falling on a 105-pound, 60-year old shirtless yoga master as he perfected his crow.
I sat down on a bench in the lobby, drinking water and trying to get the room to stop spinning. I was joined by another classmate, also on her deathbed. The cute guy who works the front desk, busy carrying around tampons to stock the restroom, was very sweet, asking us if we needed anything and telling us that we did the right thing by leaving when we felt shaky. He let us know that we had made it through 40 minutes of class. Hey- not bad!
So the one other human classmate and I sat outside the “practice room,” declaring ourselves done and watching a beach yoga video on loop while trying to breathe again. After about 15 minutes I decided that perhaps I should go back in, at least to grab my mat that I had abandoned in the middle of the floor. What I walked into was scarier than the scene I had left. The room was rearranged, with my mat still smack in the middle, now crumpled into a ball (thanks, new friends). In two columns, everyone was doing handstands, unassisted. HOW DID I END UP IN THIS CLASS?
As I tried to grab my mat and make a run for it, the super nice cult-leader hippyman teacher stopped me and encouraged me to try a handstand. (UM did you not see me for the first 40 minutes? I may need an ambulance…) I looked at him like he was crazy, and being pretty used to that, he instead suggested a modification for me. Reluctantly, I stayed and pretended to try.
Thank God that after that it was the special time of yoga where you lay down on your mat and do nothing. Despite running out of class early, I really felt that I deserved this time. Those 40 minutes were some of the hardest I’ve ever endured, and I was proud of myself for that, despite the nausea. So there I laid, waiting for hippyman’s assistant to come by with a spray of some aromatherapy lavender water. Obvs. She did, and of course I opened my right eye just as she sprayed. I don’t think this cult is going to take me.
So begins and ends my relationship with hot yoga— an experience far more terrifying than I ever could have imagined. But this very eccentric yoga crowd was quite supportive despite my serious inexperience, and their fitness abilities are truly unbelievable. In this world of bench-pressers and tough-mudders, the strength of the yogi is seriously underestimated. That’s good to know, but PLEASE don’t make me do hot yoga again.
Zumbing for Speed!
Gym: Fitness First Arlington
Address: 1310 N Courthouse Rd Arlington, VA 22201
Class: Zumba
The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Enraged!
The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Warm and welcome
On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 3. It’s a decent workout.
Here’s the deal: Free Guest Pass
If the Micro Machines man is still single (and alive), I’ve met the perfect lady for him. The Zumba teacher at Fitness First Arlington not only talks as fast as he does, but can also Zumb at record-breaking speed. This unique superpower is unfortunately not so useful when you’ve got an unbearably packed room of Zumba novices who are trying to follow along with you as your tiny voice and tiny body move at the speed of light. The extreme crowdedness at Fitness First Arlington made it particularly tough to keep track of the blurry ball of hot pink tank top and giant hair zipping around the front of the room.
I don’t know if it’s because she wasn’t wearing official Zumba! brand apparel, but I have to say that I was quite disappointed with this high-speed Zumber. She would pause before a song to teach us a dance, but would do it so rapidly that my lovely new friends and I would just stare at each other in disbelief. I knew things were really out of hand when I felt completely lost watching one of her demonstrations, but then realized once the song started that I actually knew the whole dance by heart from a prior class— I just couldn’t see that from her fast-forwarded take on it.
The great thing about this chaos was that it brought all of us participants together. This class was probably one of the friendliest I’ve been to in terms of actually talking with classmates. It was a good thing we made friends with each other, because the confusion led to Zumber-on-Zumber collisions more than once. We all empathized with each other, which is why I did my best to hold back my laughter when every time I did a turning move the right way, the girl behind me did it the wrong way and repeatedly ended up with her face nearly touching mine.
I was still glad that I went to class because it gave me the opportunity to sweat instead of just eating more Captain Crunch. But I can’t say that I’d recommend this class to other normals. It may get better if Fitness First invests in technology that will put a little blue light around the teacher, the way ESPN does to help viewers keep track of the hockey puck at all times. But regardless of my opinion, I don’t think Fitness First has to worry about how to keep their studios full. With a 20-person line at door waiting for yoga class after Zumba, I’m pretty sure that this fitness factory will keep on confusing DC gym-goers for years to come.
GROUPON! One or three-month membership to Results. This will be my June!
Normals on Location: Punta Cana, DR
Gym: Six Senses Spa
Address: Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
Class: Yoga
The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Like Beyonce
The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Like it's the best day ever because they consistent only of your sister and two of your best friends.
On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 2. But that is irrelevant, as this class was one of the best experiences probably of my life.
Here’s the deal: Free on Wednesdays, Beyonce priced ($55 per person) any other day of the week.
Holy crap, am I Beyonce? is all that went through my head for the first 10 minutes of the free private yoga session that I experienced last week while in the pure paradise of Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. I strongly recommend that you stop reading the interwebs now and get yourself there immediately. I will be honest, I don’t even really like yoga. But in this beautiful space, I could have been told to clip rabbit toenails (do rabbits have toenails?) for an hour and it still might have been the best hour of my life.
We arrived and walked into a dimly lit room where incense was burning and fresh flowers were spread along the walls. Although the class was free that day to anyone staying at the hotel, my sister, my friends, and I were the only people who showed up. We looked at each other in shock, and one of my friends was close to joyful tears. The teacher walked in and asked us what day it was, telling us that she can never remember because she lives in flipping Punta Cana and is up to her eyeballs in palm trees and turquoise Caribbean water everyday of her life.
In terms of the actual class, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would given that it was yoga. The room was hot, which usually would annoy the hell out of me, but I was being treated like Beyonce, so the human problems I used to have were of no concern to me. Most of the moves in the class seemed pretty easy, although some strained my arm muscles. The next day I was very sore, but there is no way of knowing whether that was due to the yoga or to the hour after yoga that I spent swimming for my life trying to avoid being thrashed into a coral reef while “snorkeling” (AKA putting my mask on, getting water under my mask and into my nostrils, taking my mask off, repeat).
I would do this class again in a heartbeat. The one thing I might do differently is NOT demolish the free hotel breakfast buffet like a champ directly beforehand, as the teacher informed us that many moves were designed to “massage our organs.” Fortunately all of my organs behaved, just as I’m sure Beyonce’s do. Our session ended with free ginger tea served to us on a veranda overlooking a pristine empty swimming pool, palm trees, and the turquoise Caribbean Sea. Not a soul was in sight. We enjoyed this tranquil time with extreme sophistication, giggling like maniacs and repeatedly asking each other if it was real life. I thought there was no cure for my cynicism, but apparently there is. I must either move to the Dominican Republic, or become Beyonce.
Zumba Klepto
Gym: Fitness First- 19th Street
Address: 1075 19th Street Northwest, Washington, DC 20036
Class: Zumba
The Instructor Makes a Normal Gal Feel: Totally entertained.
The Classmates Make a Normal Gal Feel: Happy. Such a lovely bunch of diverse people.
On a scale of 1 (waste of time) to 5 (bring the stretcher), for a normal gal this workout is a: 3. It’s a decent workout.
Here’s the deal: Free Guest Pass
I’ve had surprisingly good luck in avoiding intense marketing spiels, despite the number of gyms I’ve visited on guest passes and Groupons. I knew my luck had run out tonight when I arrived for my first class at Fitness First and was told to sit in a chair and wait to go into an office to talk to someone. Blarghhhh. That someone didn’t show up within 3 minutes, so I got highly impatient and just went to class, saving the 20 minute conversation about what kind of gym I’m looking for, what my “intensity goals” are (uhhhh zero?), and why I don't want to act now and save $125 off the enrollment fee for after class.
Since I was an unlicensed gym-goer, as I started my Zumba booty popping I got really paranoid that someone was going to track me down and kick me out because I was essentially stealing the Zumb. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man standing in the window watching everyone and I got especially freaked out. But when I finally got up the courage to face him, I figured I was safe because it was just the guy from “Shit Asian Dads Say” staring at us gals working our hips. Phew. Close one.
The Zumba class itself was pretty awesome. At first my faith was low because the class was packed, the teacher was late, and when she arrived one of the first things she said was, “I’m an actress.” Oh great. That’s the last thing I want to hear out of anyone’s mouth, because I assume that’s code for “I’m about to annoy the crap out of you.” But I shouldn’t have been wearing my judgy pants, because this Zumba-teaching actress was one of my favorite instructors ever.
The moves in the class weren’t the most challenging, but they were some of the most fun. Some were silly and involved pretending to ride a pony (always appreciated) and others were just generally fun hip hop moves that I like to pretend I know how to do. The teacher was also really funny and provided little commentary about the moves. For example, when BRIEFLY teaching us choreography (ahem, YOU, take note), instead of yelling at us to PIVOT, she said, “You turn to one side, kick your foot back, and then… oh, what’s that? I don’t know, I’m going turn it around and find out.” She also liked to sing along to the music and mock us when we messed up and awkwardly tried to hide it— my kind of humor.
When it comes to your fellow gym-goers, the Fitness First crowd is pretty much perfect. My classmates were exactly how I like them to be: young and old, fit and fuller, all different races, and one adorably pregnant. I think diversity everywhere is a good thing, but at gyms it makes things feel particularly warm and welcoming. And I should also note that besides having great classmates, outside the doors of the class was the highest proportion of tall, straight men I’ve ever seen at a DC gym. Ladies, take note.
It’s a good thing that Fitness First has all of these things going for it, because the facilities themselves are nothing to write home about. The studio was a decent size, but everything else was really crowded and kind of junky looking. The locker room reminded me of middle school gym class, as there was hardly anywhere to move and it had nothing but the basics. No water cooler, no scale, no free tampons. But I’ve made it through the sales pitch and am now ready for a full month of getting my fitness on with hot men, pregnant ladies, and Asian dads.