still waiting

HNikarr Ambrosius Tenebrae eighteen | stalker | violent

[h-nikarr]

xxkiyeol:

His skin crawled as he moved closer to the only other person in the room, being even too close for his own comfort.The usual serious emotionless blanket covered his features as he narrowed his eyes and looked right into theirs. “So uh, I have this theory that I want you to help me test. You in?”

Ｉmmediately, Hnikarr shifted away, a frown on his features. “Uh-- fine, what is ‘t?” he questioned, grimacing. He didn’t seem to be in the mood for that sort of shit (but really, when was he?), although he hadn’t simply left, so it seemed he’d play along for now.

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔣𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

“I do—mean it, that is.” It’s said softly, as if he doesn’t want it to be heard. Distantly, he feels his right leg bouncing slightly; a nervous tic. “Didn’t puke, jus’…” On second thought, let’s not describe what he was doing. “Yeah, I know the drill.” Hnikarr’s not the only one who’s been through the mental health system—Hunter’s pretty much a professional at this point. Although, Eichen does take the cake for longest time spent in one location.

Raising a surprised brow at the sudden request, he regards the boy in front of him with a wary stare. Out of all the thing Hnikarr could’ve asked, that is by far the strangest. But in a fucked up way, he guesses it makes sense. They’re certainly not friends, but they’re not exactly strangers either. “—All right, yeah…I won’t touch anything. Promise.“

[h-nikarr]

He doesn't believe Hunter, and he's sure it's obvious, given how all he does is nod and grip the sheets, Freddie's sheets, again. A thanks isn't at all what he'd been expecting; it's no wonder that he won't - can't - take it. Hnikarr gives a tiny nod when his new roommate says he didn't vomit, putting it in the back of his mind to the remember the moment for later. If the older boy vomited, he's going to have to make sure people know it was him. Hnikarr won't say anything if it's not found, but he knows he can't get in trouble for food things again.

He scoots back, nervous, as he waits for the other's response. "Good. Thanks. Y'better not." If not for the fact that Hunter's there, he would've broken down and cried already - maybe it's better that he's gotten a new roommate so soon, so that he doesn't have time to be weak like that. "How's Lou . . ?"

[tyrell-garner]

“Oh, alright. I didn’t know that.” She nodded and secretly wished she could play an instrument. “After hours? don you mean after therapy hours or after opening hours?” She asked with a smile. She wouldn’t mind. It was the music room and not her territory. “If you need anything though, just ask me.” She smiled.

[h-nikarr]

"Hn-- uh, both. Like, past curfew," he said with a small shrug. This lady seemed alright; he felt like she wouldn't get him into trouble. It wasn't like he was sneaking around, messing things up - all he did was go and play the instruments for a bit. "Yeah, I will. Thanks."

[tyrell-garner]

Vicky laughed at his explanation and grinned. It made sense in a way. “Wow! How many instruments do you play?” She raised her eyebrows impressed. “You can play the instruments in the music room without going to therapy there though. Then maybe it’s not as aweful.” She smiled and nodded. “I know, I saw you around some times already. If the patients look like they don’t need help, I don’t interrupt them in their thoughts.”

[h-nikarr]

"When you play a brass instrument, you pretty much play all of 'em, and when you play a reed instrument, y'play all of those, too-- so, a lot, I guess," he said. His eyebrows rose a fraction at her words, but he didn't seem too surprised. "Really? I just-- usually, I go in after hours." A ghost of a smile passed over his features when she mentioned spotting him there before, but it soon faded. "Well, cool. Thanks." Nik really hated being interrupted, after all.

[h-nikarr]

♦ Is it better to get other’s approval or to be proud of ones own merits?

♦ is it better to get other’s approval or to be proud of ones own merits?

T'get someone's approval, 'cause if other people can't see what you've done is good, what's it matter?

[h-nikarr]

† Is it better to forgive others or seek vengeance on them?

† is it better to forgive others or seek vengeance on them?

S'better to seek vengeance, so they know not to fuck up however they did again.

[rp-suggestionbox]

Is it Better to...

[h-nikarr]

Send symbol to ask.

✔ Is it better to be in the right or do the right thing?

❤ Is it better to love someone or to be loved by someone?

† Is it better to forgive others or seek vengeance on them?

✦ Is it better to personally be happy or give happiness to others?

☠ Is it better to avoid pain or to survive through it?

♫ Is it better to listen or to be heard?

♦ Is it better to get other’s approval or to be proud of ones own merits?

✖ Is it better to hurt others or let yourself be hurt?

✄ Is it better to work in a team or to work solo?

✿ Is it better to be oblivious or is it better to know the truth?

◎ Is it better to go with your gut or to go with logic and proof?

[tyrell-garner]

“You’re doing great then.” The music was really nice compared to the other songs that were played earlier and Vicky really though Nik was a good dancer. “You should do music therapy sometime. Maybe you’ll like it.” She suggested. Maybe since Nik had a good feeling for rhythm, he’d like it.

[h-nikarr]

“I do lots of music shit, just not music therapy. Y'put it like that, and s'not really that fun anymore,” he explained, glad to have switched the topic from why he knew how to dance to this. “I do play piano, though - an’ guitar, saxophone, trumpet … Lots of shit like that. S'easier to find time to draw than it is t'play the shitty instruments they’ve got in ‘ere, though, so m'in the art room more than th'music room.”

[h-nikarr]

                   Forgive?  Impossible                                    Forget? I’m not sure I could. They say time heals everything.

      But I'm still waiting

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔣𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

There’s no sense of time—the only constants are the sound of shuffling feet and the uncomfortable motion of swaying. A soft shhh cuts through the dense clouds in his mind, and that’s the last thing he hears before everything fades into white noise.

His fragile frame connecting with familiar plush—though not in any sense comforting—is what forces him out of his stupor. What registers immediately is the overwhelming sensation of vertigo and the urgent lurch at the pit of his stomach which propels his body towards the nearest dump site. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to reach far as tremoring fingers claw at the edges of a garbage can and swiftly bring it forward to cover his mouth.

As he gags, he’s acutely aware of the pain currently wracking his body in waves. He’s not sure how long it all lasts, but eventually heaving and gasping turns into harsh coughing, which then turns into merciful silence. His lower back is aching and it feels like he swallowed battery acid—he’s also not entirely sure if the metallic taste on his tongue is a figment of his imagination or not, but either way it’s an extremely unpleasant feeling. Wiping his lips with the back of his hand, he slowly lowers the bin as he catches his breath.

“…Think so, yeah.” It’s a cracked sound, but hey, at least something came out. “—Should probably—say thanks, I guess.”

[h-nikarr]

"Don't say thanks if y'don't mean it," he says with a quiet sigh, starting to toy with the sheets. "Did y'puke? Gotta get rid of the trash if y'did; otherwise, they'll get suspicious . . . " Hnikarrr doesn't know how long Hunter has been here, but he's been cycling through different institutions for several months now - nearly two years, if he's counting right.

His fingers tighten on the fabric beneath them for a moment, before he smooths it out again. It's Freddie's; he can't ruin it. "Don't ask t'switch, okay? You're, like-- I can trust you, right? Not t'mess with Freddie's stuff?" The name of his old roommate slips out, but he makes no attempt to cover it. What's said is said; he can't take it back now, and he's not sure he wants to.

[belleloverson-archive2-deactiva]

Hnikarr was so stubborn, sometimes Aniya didn’t have enough patience to deal with him. Blame their history, mostly, because she was usually very calm and willing with any patient. “Don’t be childish, Hnikarr, you know that wasn’t my point,” she warned him. “Whether you start young or old, there is always a chance to start unless you’re dead. Stop making excuses.” That’s what it all sounded to her - someone relishing in complaints, someone who didn’t really want any changes. With a sigh, she paced to her chair where she took a seat. “I will. I need to study more your case, to prescribe the right medication.”

[h-nikarr]

"Don't be childish," he mocked, his pacing coming to an immediate halt. "You're one t'fuckin' talk, yeah? You know m'never gonna let you live down stabbing your friend and blaming it on me. Like, say all y'want about finding a way t'get rid of Ambrosius, but it doesn't really mean shit 'less you tell people it was you and not me." Hnikarr had to keep bringing it up; otherwise, he feared he might forget it entirely, or that someone might convince him he'd simply made it up.

[h-nikarr]

                            l o v e  is                            being willing to       ｄ ｉ ｅ                  for someone.                      o b s e s s i o n is                       being willing to                                                                          ＫＩＬＬ                       for someone.                       for you,                               i’d do both.                                                                           so what does that say about me?

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔣𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

There’s nothing more jarring than being stable(ish) on the floor before suddenly finding yourself thrown over someone’s shoulders. Giving a faint, distressed moan, Hunter attempts to cling to the body underneath him, but he’s too damn disoriented and the rocky movements are only making matters worse. Instead of just his head spinning, now everything’s spinning and dry heaving is right around the corner, although he’s trying his best to avoid that until he reaches a trash can.

A sharp, nagging concern keeps poking at him, warning him that he’s being taken to a discrete location to be brutally murdered. He’s not sure if Hnikarr is that psychotic, but either way there’s absolutely nothing he can do prevent it in this state. Heart rate increasing with every step, he sinks his teeth into the flesh of his cheeks, forcing his eyes shut so he doesn’t have to watch the ground whirl around in different directions.

Whymewhymewhymewhymewhyme…

[h-nikarr]

Hnikarr walks quickly. He wants to get Hunter down in bed as soon as possible - he's already regretting this. "Shh," he murmurs, hoping to quiet his new roommate's noises of . . pain? Discomfort? Something along those lines. Thankfully, they're on the second floor, so no stairs are needed, but the teenager is tired by the time he turns to the right hall. "People are so heavy . . . "

He carries him all the way to the bed that, just hours ago, was his own, then plops down on the bed that is, was, and always will be Freddie's. Hnikarr has no place to call his own now, but he's more than happy to take up residence in the area his boyfriend once occupied. "Are you done being all . . half-conscous?"

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔣𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

There’s a vague thought of who the hell is Freddie, but to be brutally honest, he couldn’t give less of a flying fuck at the moment. He tightly closes his eyes, willing the painful throbbing in his brain to cease as he places his hands over his unusually flush visage. “I don’t know, man. I didn’t—move anything, someone else did, I jus’… do whatever you want, okay? Doesn’t matter—be dead soon anyway.” He knows he shouldn’t say it, but everything’s spinning and it just slips out and, well…it’s true, isn’t it?

In the past thirty seconds, his fever has gone from this kind of sucks to wow, all right, this is incredibly uncomfortable to I’m gonna start dry heaving on the floor. On some plane of consciousness, he’s aware that he’s being addressed and he thinks moving is being proposed, but that seems like a terrible idea for all parties involved. “Jus’—give me a minute.” Or two. Or three.

[h-nikarr]

He nods, gaze passing over the floor to somewhere further down the hall. Although the mere thought of making physical contact with Hunter makes him nauseous, he's starting to think it might be necessary - the other looks rather . . ill. Trying not to dwell on it too long, he picks the older patient up, slinging him over both shoulders in a Fireman’s carry. “Don’t-- Don’t squirm, okay? S’gonna make this shit hard t’do,” he mumbles, clearly uncomfortable with their current position (even though he’s the one that put them in it).

Without waiting for his new roommate’s response, he starts heading in the direction of their room. Hnikarr needs to be by the phone, just in case Freddie calls. He knows that the chances are slim, but he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he misses him because of a few minutes spent doing pointless things

[h-nikarr]

The devil made me do it Outfit of the Day 5/?

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔣𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯

[hunterxblack-deactivated2016051]

“Yeah, I’m pretty s—” he starts, before what has just taken place finally processes in his foggy mind. Oh.

          …Oh, fuck.

On the list of Things Hunter Would NOT Like To Do, rooming with a psychotic asshole holding a personal vendetta against him is at the very bottom. His thoughts wander to his friends and family, and the phrase “lucky boy” sticks out. Everyone would always say that. There goes Hunter, he’s so fucking lucky. Talk about a huge steaming pile of bullshit.

          He’s going to end up being killed by Hnikarr before the HIV, mark his words.

“I get it, all right? Your room. I’ll request a swap or…something.” His head hurts too much for this right now. He needs to sit down like five minutes ago. Using his hands as a guide against the wall, he lowers himself to the ground. He highly doubts the offer to take him back to a room is still on the table—not that he would want to take it anyway—so he may as well get comfortable.

[h-nikarr]

"You don't get it--" Hnikarr fumbles for words, biting on his bottom lip as he thinks. "S'my room an'-- an' Freddie's. You didn't put your stuff on-- on his bed, did you? You can't have 'is bed. I'll move all my shit, y'can't--" The teenager ducks his head, unable to look up at Hunter. "Y'can't have his space. It's his."

He flinches and steps back as the older male sits, uncomfortable with the unexpected movement. "Why're you sitting? C'mon, gotta get y'to your-- our room. Okay? M'not gonna 'ave you passin' out here in the hall. It sucks, s'happened to me before. C'mon, get-- get up." The patient won't touch him, feeling like its a bad idea, so he tries to urge him to his feet with words.

[dictionaryofobscuresorrows]

onism

[h-nikarr]

n. the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people’s passwords, each representing one more thing you’ll never get to see before you die—and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here.