a nonbinary HRT journey

[h-r-tea]

new ink

[h-r-tea]

So I had to discontinue t gel, it wasn't right for me. I'm allergic to both forms of the shots and no other kind of T is covered by my insurance. For now, I'll focus on body masculinization purely through fitness :/

I wish medicine would catch up. The shots were amazing if only they didnt try to kill me. 💔

[h-r-tea]

my most recent work

[h-r-tea]

the newest (and last) member of my recent series

[h-r-tea]

Before starting T, I got sober after struggling with mind altering drug addiction for awhile. As a side effect of my sobriety, I experienced art block for a long time. I am finally re-learning how to express myself through my art sober. I personify my cravings, and how angry it makes me to still get my periods on T. It's a good outlet for some serious (and more male) anger.

[h-r-tea]

An update:

So I had my first shot two weeks ago, and it was amazing. I feel my moods are happier and more stable, I'm more confident, and I didn't experience PMDD before my period. Overall I had more energy!

but

There was a complication. About a week after the injection I noticed what I assumed at the time was acne around my chest. Every time I checked, there were more angry red blotches. After a few days it spread to my back, sides, neck, and even my lips and mouth.

From my panic research I realized that these were hives and that I was experiencing an allergic reaction to the oil (cottonseed oil, or cypionate) that the testosterone was injected into my muscle with.

I immediately called my doctor who advised me to go buy and take Benadryl and I switched my Testosterone prescription to Enanthate instead of cypionate. I followed the doc's orders and had 2 very sleepy days on Benadryl but the hives kept coming and didn't go away. I was very itchy and disoriented.

This morning I went to urgent care and was prescribed an anti-allergy steroid called prednisone and have started an 8 day tapering cycle of that. It has been sort of wild, and now I write to you from a dizzy stupor as I wait for the hives to clear.

Today was supposed to be my second dose of T, but now I have to wait until the hives are gone so that I can confirm that I am not allergic to enanthate. What a mess! But I really think it will all be worth it.

I'm just posting this here because it took me awhile to research all of the sideaffects of T and an allergic reaction was not something I knew of or was prepared for, so if it helps someone it was worth it.

❤️

much love,

Säge

[h-r-tea]

first shot

[h-r-tea]

It's later than I should be up the night before a big day, but I'm anxious and can't sleep.

Tomorrow is supposed to be the day I get my very first testosterone shot.

My trans nonbinary journey began last year with 3.5 months on low-dose androgel. I stopped for the following reasons:

1. Instead of ceasing, my periods got much much worse. For the past year I have been getting 1-2 heavy periods per month and significant PMDD. Beyond this, my emotions are insanely out of control because my body and mind want to reject the hormonal surges. It has been awful.

2. I gained 25lbs on T. Even though I was working out 5-6 days a week. Back then I was not observing my own nutrition well and craved/ate anything at any time. With my microdosed gel, the only changes I observed were a massive appetite and serious libido increase. This wasn't the androgyny I wanted and I mistakenly blamed T for my own lack of self control

3. I was seriously high on cannabis from the moment I woke up to when I slept. Every day. High THC medical dabs. I am an asthmatic so this seriously fucked with my body. And it gave me serious social issues- I was forgetful, I was too anxious to accept phone calls (even from my pharmacy which caused T supply issues) and the goddam munchies man.

4. My wife. She wasn't keen on my transition in the first place and is just now starting to accept my name and pronouns even though I came out as nonbinary years ago. It has been a struggle. She still doesn't want many of the changes I face with T and was the one who encouraged me to stop taking androgel.

I did not stop because I wanted to give up on my transition, I just knew I needed time to work on myself. I wanted to move to a higher dose. I was ready for injections. Given my breathing condition and fear of covid, you could say I've had plenty of time to work on myself past 11 months off T. I have been quarantined for literally years. In preparation for tomorrow I have:

1. Gotten the hang of diet, nutrition, and exercise. I safely and slowly entered into a caloric deficit over the past few months. I am now in the best shape of my life and know how to maintain it. I would like to see more muscle growth and other changes on T, but have learned to stay lean and strong.

2. I quit smoking weed. The day after Christmas (32 days ago) It was hard. I lost a friend and a family member recently and did not relapse. I have not smoked in 2022 and am so proud. I quit drinking alcohol 4 years ago and can now proudly say I am 100% sober. I am learning not to repress my trauma through drug use. I took a THC pee test and passed. I enjoy the clarity I get from sobriety, and I am less and less tempted each day. I wanted to do T right so I can accurately monitor my changes and communicate better about it with others.

3. I have educated my wife and she is starting to understand more who I am and her acceptance, though slow, is progressing. I am proud of her for sticking around.

I am so ready for this. I have wanted it for 4 years now... tonight feels like the night before a Christmas where I'm getting everything I ever wanted.

I cut and dyed my hair, got my clothes ready, thought about this nonstop for the past month since making the appointment. It's all I can think about.

They actually made me wait a long time to get on T at first and my biggest anxiety/concern is that they will not give me an injection tomorrow. I know what I want: 50MG every other week. I am not afraid of needles, I tattoo myself. I just need them to write the script, show me how to use the needle, and I'm good to go. But if they tell me I have to wait for more blood panels or therapists or anything else idk dude it would make me so sad and angry.

Tomorrow. 8am. I hope this goes well.

[h-r-tea]

I already tattoo myself, why not try to learn to cut and color my own hair too?

[kidmograph]

[bongospasm]

[ruinedchildhood]

[prememes]

[unfortunately-awake]

[meowing]

Kirby’s Comic Panic Plush:  Relaxed, Ouch

[parkistan]

them: u can’t just cut away ppl like that

me: snip snip

[adventuresoutsidethegenderbinar]

"Being nonbinary is just a fad".

Oh really? Then why have we found Sumerian tablets referring to people who are neither men or women? Why have South Asian cultures included groups of people who are a "third gender", known as the Hijira? What about Two-Spirit people of Native American communities, who have existed for thousands of years? Why have the Bugis, of modern-day Indonesia, considered there to be five genders for hundreds of years? Why were there pre-colonial Hawaiians whose gender identity was outside the traditional binary?

People who are neither entirely men or women have always existed, and we always will. Such existences were simply oppressed by the western world for so long that many of us hadn't heard of them until recently. Being nonbinary isn't a fad - it's a brave embrace of one's true self.