Story of My Life

So my name is Kit and I'm 17 and that's all you need to know. I am already pouring you my Life. Sheesh.

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Thoughts

I have always been thinking why I read like crazy. I admit, reading makes me feel happy. That somehow, in some sick twisted thing, I know, I have something. That something is my imagination. I have thought, and thought about it.

It's because the Book has everything I don't have. I'm not an anti-social. But I'd rather pick a Book than go out with friends. I'd rather stay home and fiddle with my phone rather than talking to my friends. And I'd rather be alone than to have a company I don't want.

But it makes me feel lonely. It makes me feel what I really am. Alone. Scared. And my thoughts always speak louder, and keeps on getting louder, and louder. Sometimes, I feel like it over powers me and that's why I am who I am. I never hide those thoughts. Because they scream at me, they scream and scream at me. Since I couldn't be honest to myself, I need to be honest with others.

I want to be honest with myself. I want my thoughts to talk me out of my own thoughts.

My mind thinks of stuffs I can't have, all of the things I don't have. I want to have someone to talk to. To be honest with. Someone who wouldn't judge. Someone I can say, "I tried to do it. And for the first time, the marks are there and it scares me because if someone finds out, I don't have a way out," I want a guy. I've always been fond of them. I think they're better than girls. They judge, but they are more on the truth than basing something out of nothing. They're more... real than girls.

In all honesty, I want a guy best friend who has a back bone. Who I can lean on, and while I wait for that day, I have... Microsoft Word, Wattpad, and a Book as mine. As my escape.

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I'm scared.

This is one feeling I tried ignoring ever since. I'm afraid admitting I'm actually scared. I don't like it when my heart races on the wrong pace. I don't want to know there's something I've lost control with. I'm not controlling, but since I don't have a control of anything in my life, I figured I should atleast have one thing to control. It's my emotion. It's too admitting anything. It's actually one thing I know I want to control. And I'm scared when I'm not going anywhere with it under my control.

I'm actually scared right now. I'm scared that I'd disappoint everyone around me and that I'm just another disappointment. I don't want that. I know I'm not even trying to atleast not to disappoint them but... I'm so scared. I feel like I went too far ahead on my own. Maybe I became too proud of myself. I would lose it. I will drop it. But right now. I'm scared.

I would kneel. I would crawl not to disappoint anyone. I would beg. And now I'm going to start begging, everything will be alright. I would not let you fall.

I want to know I won't.

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What other people say.

Do you hear that? People telling you what to do. People who always want to take the Lead of your every step. Of course, I think all of us has atleast one of those. It can get quite annoying. It can make us feel suffocated but I think those people keep us balance.

I always hear people say, "Why do I work?" Yes, I work. The reason why I initially quit Blogging all-in-all is because Work, School (I'm in College already), Writing and then Blogging I don't have time for all that at all. These days, if I could get a few hours, I'd rather sleep (or read and write). It's tiring. It's pressuring.

So that's why people ask me, why I work. I don't need the money right now. I can save with my own allowance. Then what is it for?

My Dad is actually against all of this working thing. He knows I'm exhausted. But it aches my heart to see him carry all, everything. I can't just sit by and watch the person I treasure the most work so hard on his own. That's why I started working. Even if all the money I get is for me, I secretly stashed and saved too much for 'just in case'.

I guess the answer is simple. It's for my Dad. I love him dearly. He is the closest thing to my heart and I would sacrifice loads if I could help him with anything.

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You're going to be selling that kind of shit to me?

How do you think I was raised? By being fucking ignorant? Please. Don't look at me like I'm some kind of fool. I've been acting innocent for quite a while now and I play that game good enough. But I'm no fool.

I have every right. I never back down from anything. I know my rights and wrongs and not a person like you! Especially you, can tell me that I was on the wrong page. You fucking piece of shit! You fucking gay! Gah! I hate you! Back then I have tolerated all of your bullshit but this is the last straw. You're going to be ignored forever! I don't give a shit if I lost ALL of my friends because if you have not noticed, I'm fine being on my own. I'll live. You don't even offer ANYTHING helpful anyway. You're all talk but you don't know business. Whatever I've had enough. The stupidest decision I ever did was the friends I chose. I'm facing the consequences of it now. I always have a poor judgment of people. I always see the right more than the wrongs. I should have trust my gut, but don't worry. You're no friend of mine anymore. Good Luck girl, who has dick. :)

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WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

I punched a kid (boy) because he was such a bully.

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It's a Blog!

Hello! And Welcome kindred's to this awesome piece of junk I will be starting to call my Blog! Okay, that's done. It's shit.

Pfft. That's not real.

I don't really care if anyone reads. I just have to continuously write anywhere and everything down before I turn myself crazy. I'm a little bit coocoo in the head. I think it's because something fell down on my head. It cracked it more up. Yes, well, anyway,

I've always been familiar with tumblr. This was my bestfriend for for years, until last year. Shit had gone crazy with my life. I feel like it's screwing more up and I don't have the balls to fix it. I sleep it a lot.

Which brings back to I love sleep more than ever. If I have enough time to sleep before School/Work then please, let me be on my own because I want sleep.

I'm 17. I'm not yet legal enough to do anything and I'm happy with it. I can't even decide which clothes to wear for the day so yeah, imagine trying to decide everything for my Life.

So this is an Intro (Ikr? XD). If I ever feel anything then, this is the first place I am going. First, I opted trying to Vlog but realizing that the only time I have left is for School and for sleep. If I make time for Vlogging then I have to sacrifice something. And I had enough of sacrifices.