ruh roh @hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid - Tumblr Blog

Posts

Dude ngl depression has had a death grip on me lately. Im really tired of being in my head. Tired of feeling like no one desires my company. Tired of feeling like no one enjoys being around me

Honestly kind of tired of not really having any friends that go out of their way to look out for me like babe does. Idk I'm likely just in my head but like, knowing how hard I've been working and how much support I've needed and getting morsels is really killing me. I need a support system but my support system rn should be good. Is it me not reaching out? Am I not struggling clearly enough? Babe doesn't reach out, he just vents once and his friends are there for him for days if not weeks after. I vent, I get support then, then it feels like hours later things just reset.

Idk this is hard for me. I'm navigating so many new things and regardless of all of the support I feel like no one gets how hard it is for me. I dont know how I'm functioning. I haven't gotten any help I haven't asked for, haven't gotten most of the help I have asked for.

I hate having trauma. It would be so easy to navigate if I didn't have trauma.

It doesn't help that yet again babe has spent all day playing the game so we've gotten 0 time together. Last time we talked one on one is when I got home from work and told him about my day. That's it.

I'm so tired of no one ever wanting to hang out with me, talk to me, be there for me, play games with me, cook with me, clean with me, watch a show with me, listen to a song with me. He treats it like a chore at this point.

Im gonna be so fucking for real if anything like this happens again im just taking the L instead.

Literally offers to take the L and poses it like it doesn't matter; the gets upset because it did matter and he always takes the Ls

Dude you fucking offered, you said I love this place so I should get my fave. Just to sour the taste of it by complaining that you're not thought about and you dont want any now.

Im pissed for you, at the friend who offered then said they couldn't cover it; but it feels like you're more pissed at me for not reading you mind instead of taking your word there.

I get that a snack from the store isnt the same but holy fucking shit can I not get you something too at least? Can I not offer? Im genuinely just trying to get you a treat too.

Looks like im surprising him with a milkshake one day after I get off work. Im not having him feel like that. But im also not gonna act like he doesn't put himself in these situations either. Regardless, someone ONLY thinking about him may help ig.

And today being the third morning this week that I've needed to catch up on laundry and people SOMEHOW used the washer right before I got in there. We have no working dryer. They dont use the laundry line, except for one of them, and it's not that person's clothes (i dont think)

So I have to wait for them to move theirs to their room, or, worst case, have to wait for theirs to finish drying on the line. Which will mean if I remove theirs when done, then wash mine, that mine may sit for a day or two wet until I can rewash it then hang it up.

Basically making waiting for it to be done to do mine, pointless. I might as well just do it tomorrow, and put it off again. Dude I need to wash my shit it's pissing me the fuck off. They only recently began doing laundry here instead of at the wash house and I think it's just gonna be regularly done here now so that's really neat. If we all could just cycle it through a washer then dryer it would not matter, but this makes us have to do laundry in gaps of 2 days on average, depending on if it rains, if the person gets them off the line before sundown.

I just dont understand the lack of communication on it all ig? You are all of a sudden using our washer we own with water we pay for and electricity we pay for. You are also doing this once I start working, and have way less time to work with to do laundry on, simultaneously on my days off of work. Like. Dude.

Idk maybe im being a bitch. I wish I lived woth just Cameron. He respects people's space and things. He cleans after himself. And if he needs to be confronted, he's normal about it. I'm terrified others will not be normal about it and then ill have to deal with bullshit man

I really would like to Punch a roommate for not even trying to plunge the toilet they constantly clog, like, ever.

I vented about this to my discord and *crickets* so I also feel like im being too much now, which is so lovely

Just for reference, they dont clean the bathroom, they dont clean anywhere in the rest of the house, not even vacuuming (and they have a dog). They dont do anything in the yard. They dont plunge their own clogged toilet, no cleaning the kitchen, no touching trash. The only thing they do? Oh, they take trash to the dump once a week, and they wash dishes and leave mounds of washed dishes out on towels for me to dry and put away for them!

But you know, the discord chat made to vent in, made to connect when we don't have many friends? Yeah I definitely was just fucking ignored talking about this there.

It makes me feel like im back in high school and my friends are judging me without telling me, feels like im saying something I dont know is wrong and no one is kindly calling me out. Makes me feel like they may make a new chat with everyone BUT me.

Makes me wanna leave the chat and avoid group chats. Because it just feels like im doing friend groups wrong, yet again. Meanwhile, I may very much so, be most justified now more than ever to be mad. I buy all the food, I basically do all the cleaning, Noone else cooks really. And last night I vented because they made hotdogs while we napped. They ate them all before we woke up, so we didnt get dinner. When I usually make dinner and the others dont, and I MISS OUT when someone finally DID make dinner, because I was napping after work?

The furthest i said in the chat was "im not making them dinner anymore, not when i do everything else too". I'm scared I am now seen as The Big Bad Person.

Im tired of being fucking traumatized and basically being surrounded by people who dont know im always on my last straw. Always on my last leg. Just people who add and add and add

It's okay I'll just shut up and stop expressing i need support. Sorry for asking for too much

Im just mad I've been lacking support while giving it immediately;

Oh, you're upset were stuck? You're bugging over how much bud we have?

I had to go out to eat in 3 day old underwear, 4 day old socks, no deodorant while stinking, and pj pants yesterday. I had to deal with my mom and sibling stopping by yesterday while were stuck up here, so I didn't get to see them and won't get to see them again for months. I also had to deal with this realization alone

I also have a whole fuckign job id be starting in 2 days if I were home, that now I have to call to delay again. I missed out on making $137 bucks yesterday dude. But you're bugging

I really am honestly tired of hearing it, support me and I'll support you, but holy fuck with the misgendering from our friend, with me punching myself in the head in private moments so I can let off this overwhelming steam, when I have a job I can't work, I feel nasty because I haven't showered or changed in days and I CANT, when I miss my parents and just wanted to see them; and you're worried about something we can definitely get figured out???? Something I always handle anyways like you'll have to ask around for help?????? Yeah honestly fuck off you're making me mad

Them: -just got in the house- -walks to me- "woman"

Me: -literally ignores it, I'm so fucking over it-

Them: "dang, I guess you don't respond to that"

Yeah that's kind the whole thing about being a transman,,,,

Im being so forreal only two people in my life actually show support for my identity and the pain I experience being trans, and they're both also trans. I don't even know what to do anymore. I came out this time because I felt accepted and understood by my friends. Just to not feel that way anymore almost 6 years later.

My partner has not hugged me once since I mentioned being in my head so fucking badly this trip because of misgendering. My partner has not corrected the misgendering, and actually participated yesterday. Meanwhile, my friend who is trans too heard it yesterday, and went to the extent to text me after and say "I see what you mean". And today, is saying "I may say something today for you".

Im gonna be real. If it wasn't for this friend, with how politics have been, with how lax my partner has been on really even acknowledging I've had huge issues this week, and with how much it seems the one misgendering me has somehow steered everyone else towards the same this trip; I would just go back in the closet.

Like last time. It's too hard. I can't fight for myself like this. I literally only came out again because of the support system I had. Why does one make it all shatter? Why do I have to experience this? How many years have I fucking suffered? I can't blame trans people for getting surgeries for society more than for themselves; maybe if i had a beard and a deeper voice than his, he'd call me he/they. Maybe if my visual didn't scream "woman" I'd be respected.

Im gonna be real I really likely may just re closet myself. I actually can't handle this. I can't handle it living in my head rent fucking free.

I struggle to ask for help already but when i wake up depressed for the third week in a row and you offer to get the cigs figured out woth your parents so I don't have to reach out, just for me to wake up more and find out you ONLY planned to get the cigs figured out, otherwise leaving me to ask for help with 10 bucks instead of 16 bucks, still having to worry and stress anyways; and then you imply and basically say it's kinda fucked to look at you and say that really didn't take anything off of my plate;

Nah you're pissing me the fuck off with that one dude. What does that do other than our friend will send us less vs me not having to FUCKING MESSAGE SOMEONE FOR THE 15TH FUCKING TIME IN 3 WEEKS IF YOU COULD ALSO JUST ASK FOR LEMON JUICE, BREAD, AND RAMEN

IM ABOUT TO JUST MESSAGE THE FRIEND AND ASK HIM TO JUST WORRY ABO7T ANYTHING ELSE BUT THAT SINCE HE ISNT GONNA ACRUALLY TAKE HAVIBG TO ASK ANYONE OFF MY PLATE. HE SAID HES GONNA ASK HIS MOM FOR IT ALL INSTEAD SINCE WE DISCUSSED THIS AND I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF SHE CANT HELP AND I WAITED THIS ENTIRE TIME

Yeah so after finishing up all of the chores so they don't have to do any tomorrow, I better have my coffee made, the cats fed, my lunch made, and the laundry line hung back up tomorrow with no complaints or issues. I do basically all of this for them daily. If they really wanna give me a me day, that's all I ask. For 20-30 minutes total of their day taken out to help me not have to do shit but laundry and taking a shower

I just want enough money to be able to have a child and give them a good life. That's all. Is that too much to ask? Before I turn 30 and can't have one as easily anymore/just can't anymore, can I please get a job that pays enough to live. A job at all?

I know this is extremely selfish of me and extremely close minded and even ungrateful, but we have scraped by on pennies for years now and people who pay for concerts every two months can't help us with $5? Really? People who have been ghosting me over and over who have two motorcycles and 3 cars before 30 can't even respond and say they don't want to? Yet a person who is buying a house, engaged, DISABLED, and about to finally rightfully get custody of his child can help?

Don't ever tell me I'm wrong for not ever fully trusting people above the poverty line to actually care about helping others and keeping their friends floating like they are. I pray they don't ever lose their jobs/licenses for their jobs and have no way to work like us. I pray they never fucking go without eating for 3 goddamn days because even gas stations don't wanna hire them because they have 0 experience. I hope they know they're lucky their parents supported them financially through finding stability and work, and helped them get starter vehicles and paid their insurance for a couple years until they could themselves. I hope they know they're lucky to also have parents they're fine with living with, more than fine even.

I hope they know the only difference between them and us is loving supportive parents, and not drive or laziness. Holy fuck do I pray they never think we're not trying. If I ever found out they did I will never even look their way again

Why did life give her such shit cards

My friend who died from overdose a few years back is heavy on my mind today

She started doing substances around 12-13 years old, maybe younger. I say substances because she would do anything her neighbors would give her. She was selling her body that young for drugs too. She continued to do that, dropped out of school, and her parents died before she turned 17 from heroin overdose. When her parents passed, a restraining order was put on her from her younger siblings. All because her parents didn't care, or even could have normalized it. Her oldest younger sister did so much for her and she still could not fish herself from the void.

She was living in hotel rooms the last time I saw her. She said "her boy was on his way with something for her to try" so I headed out. She then followed me out to ask me to give her a ride. I used my last 5 to get to her, so I couldnt. A month later she died. I still don't know what she overdosed on, just that she overdosed.

Her funeral felt off. Her "loving friends" who spoke on her only spoke badly about what I know now was her transitioning, likely preferred he but never accepted it, I don't know though. They spoke like her using another name caused her addiction... so what am I left to believe?

My heart hurts when I think of them. They were literally a lost soul with no one to help them. No one could. There was dead sil, no seeds could be planted unless she fertilized it, and she was never given tools, just salt.

All she was given was salt

I'm gonna be real i can not mention I'm depressed because we spend no time together when you haven't expressed wanting to at all and you bring up I haven't played so and so game with you? Brother we haven't sat down to eat together with a show in a month except for with roommates, we haven't skated, haven't gotten those Legos out, haven't done the diamond painting kit I got you 3 years ago you said you were interested in, haven't played ANY game I like with me in years but Minecraft. Cannot bring up how I haven't played a game you got a few months back with you that you mainly got to play with our roomate.

I want to share the things I like with you just as much and you want to with me, if not more. I'm down to, I just, I'm the one who brought up missing doing things with you, you bringing that up made it feel like you haven't spent time with me BECAUSE I haven't played it with you or something

I will just continue to be lonely depressed and hermitting I guess.

So i have been doing all of the chores in a now 6 person household and I'm going fucking crazy from it at this point.

I'm sick with a chest cold, on my period, and since babe is sick he's not wanting to do chores so I'm just doing them fully by myself now. I have to do laundry, dishes, hang up the laundry, clean the bathroom, clean litter boxes, and I really should vaccum sweep and mop but I'm not gonna vaccum sweep and mop today because I'm fucking overwhelmed!

We are now easily getting most of the groceries AND easily doing all of the chores. Meanwhile the one person here with the type of money to ACTUALLY GET GROCERIES FOR US ALL is only getting them for her and her boyfriend, even eating out with him while we eat sandwiches and spam. She hasn't done shit to clean this house and I know she just got here but holy shit dude???? So you see I've been the only one to do chores and you haven't thought to offer any help in any area? Okay

I'm so fucking upset about doing all of it all of the time. I'm so tired. I want to rest today

Ngl, my grandmother wants to talk bc I cut her off over her being disrespectful, and she's likely gonna deny deny deny; my parents are coming by for late Christmas in a couple days. I need to shower, to clean the house, do laundry, so much shit is on my plate;

And a friend, instead of kicking out a shitty roommate, decides he's just gonna live full time in our home for the next two weeks and THEN cut them off! He's already been here on his workdays for the last two because his car broke down and we live so close to his job, and that has already been driving me absolutely insane. He's completely fine to stay here, but he demands our time from when we wake up to when we sleep, he's eating our food when he can't afford to replace it, leaves the bathroom door open so it won't keep heat, doesn't clean his own dishes, literally basically told us to do his laundry instead of asking, has gotten babe back into vaping, makes us smoke more bc stress and bc he has none so we want to offer to smoke with him.

It's so fucking stressful I'm so fucking tired.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

ruh roh